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Pinterest: Zachary Phillips
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Worry.
Worry starts way before thought for me. I know the reasons, know that severe trauma in childhood impacts our genes and undeveloped brain.
My mind worries subconsciously. I have observed it, felt how even in happy times, I never felt safe or free.
I guess it stems from the inevitability of being a prisoner, I could not escape my father, I was trapped, isolated, helpless.
My father told me athletically I needed to be twice as good as everyone else, so no one would question him as coach.
With his constant criticism, this mantra evolved into I need to be twice as good as others just to be normal. Adding to this, school brought ridicule from having a big nose.
Nowhere was safe and free in childhood.
I tried to be perfect everyday. It was the only way I could survive.
That is immense pressure on an extremely unworthy kid.
Worry was always close, always percolating, always with a level of hypervigilance, on guard, life was never safe.
In childhood my worries were accurate, and every week there would be violent beatings and criticism.
When my PTSD is active, danger is alive, close and worry becomes acute.
My work, my goal is twofold. First unplug worry when it surfaces, second change the subconscious patterns.
Exploring my inner world has revealed a mind that is partially hijacked from PTSD.
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