Posts Tagged ‘worry’

PTSD: Things that are automatic; Worry

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Pinterest: Zachary Phillips

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Worry.

Worry starts way before thought for me. I know the reasons, know that severe trauma in childhood impacts our genes and undeveloped brain.

My mind worries subconsciously. I have observed it, felt how even in happy times, I never felt safe or free.

I guess it stems from the inevitability of being a prisoner, I could not escape my father, I was trapped, isolated, helpless.

My father told me athletically I needed to be twice as good as everyone else, so no one would question him as coach.

With his constant criticism, this mantra evolved into I need to be twice as good as others just to be normal. Adding to this, school brought ridicule from having a big nose.

Nowhere was safe and free in childhood.

I tried to be perfect everyday. It was the only way I could survive.

That is immense pressure on an extremely unworthy kid.

Worry was always close, always percolating, always with a level of hypervigilance, on guard, life was never safe.

In childhood my worries were accurate, and every week there would be violent beatings and criticism.

When my PTSD is active, danger is alive, close and worry becomes acute.

My work, my goal is twofold. First unplug worry when it surfaces, second change the subconscious patterns.

Exploring my inner world has revealed a mind that is partially hijacked from PTSD.

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Looking back on the Week

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Description of this week: There is an internal war going on, battles are intermittent but intense.

My moods can switch instantly, the morose part brings many emotions, seemingly before thought even starts. Remember the defense mechanism fires immediately, the cognitive side is 5 seconds delayed.

PTSD triggers fire our defense mechanism, called our fight or flight mechanism. This is part of the mechanical, physical side of trauma. Think of that, a trigger fires before directed thought even knows what the hell just happened.

I have eliminated this repressed trauma three times, gaining some freedom for a few days, then it appears again. With my childhood trauma, once a piece was integrated, my improvement lasted.

So part of my day is good, part horrible and then the rest spent distracting my mind.

I have to play solitaire while I watch 📺 tv, it takes two things like this to prevent my mind from ruminating. Having chronic pain and being 69, I do not have the energy to go back to my workaholic distraction.

Much of my adult life, I see now, was spent working or being busy, overloaded to outrun what was chasing me. Spending time alone with my mind was avoided at all costs. Sound familiar?

Fear is not a big part of my PTSD lately, humiliation and shame are far more dangerous and debilitating.

Humiliation and shame have a huge impact on unworthiness.

Childhood abuse brings anxiety, fear and unworthiness at its core. Unworthiness and abandonment were my big fears as a child.

I was going to get beat severely no matter what.

I feared, but never cried, giving that son of a bitch (dad) any satisfaction.

Even as a little kid, there was a apart of me that would not let him think he could hurt me.

That’s hilarious now as he has stolen most of my adult life. I was using my only strength against him, sadly it was not enough.

It was the emotional crap that carried on inside. We all have strengths and weaknesses.

I can endure pain, unworthiness and shame are my weaknesses. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

For me going after the physical part of PTSD first, was using my strengths. I needed to take as much power away from PTSD before I attacked my weaknesses.

Common sense for me, comes from pro ball, how to improve and fill in your weaknesses.

It’s called the off season.

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Worry is a Bully

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Worry is a bully.

Worry only takes, never gives anything.

Yes, an abused kid learns to worry like a champion.

My worry was well founded, we had reason to worry in childhood.

I have worked on this habit.

Our PTSD symptoms, hypervigilance, Dissociation, flash backs, and triggers bring a big volùme of worry to our doorstep.

We worry about criticism, approval, fitting in, ridicule and unworthiness.

We need to limit as many of these worries as possible.

When PTSD is active our worry increases without input from us.

Worry is not a necessity.

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Worry, Worry, Worry, Worry, Worry, Worry,

Pixabay: cafepampas

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We can not fix everything at one time. I believe a laser approach to healing works far better than a shotgun blast.

Working on one specific issue, symptom or habit at a time has benefitted me the most.

Let’s concentrate on Worry!

A little bit of worry, momentary anxiety is not what we are addressing.

If you are a worrier, life is dominated by an over active mind, finding danger in the near future.

Our worrier can spot danger no one else can see or sense.

Worriers create suffering that may somehow happen later.

Worry is predicting future loss. Worry enough and that prediction becomes reality.

First, Worry robs us of any chance of happiness, now.

All my time to invest in myself is lost on negative, emotional noise.

The Worry ship is captained by our “Ego”.

Champion of being upset, outraged, jealous, angry and anxious, our ego never finds another “Ego” equal to it.

When we Worry, the “Ego” is in total control.

The “Ego” is always in control when we venture into the past and future without direction.

If your a worrier, leaving this moment to think is like a beer to an alcoholic or a fix for a drug addict.

Worry seems to have a power to consume an entire life.

How does worry impact your life?

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Worry Quote

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“Worry is a misuse of imagination.”

Dan Zadra

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My two cents: Worry can occupy all our senses, rob of us of a chance to live fully.

Worry or not, we die same day, same hour.

Worry has little benefit then!

We can train the mind to let most worry go.

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Another look at Worry


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Worry seems to have its own engine, a way of entering our consciousness without an invitation. It seems to be one of the function of our mind, everyone has worried, some incessantly.


When we worry the mind is engaged cognitively in the past and future, it’s speed increases. Awareness of reality, of this present moment, disappears when the mind speeds up.


Fear enters our consciousness with the possible consequences of our worry. Mental confusion makes it difficult to move, to take action, to let go of this created problem (Worry).

 

Worry seems to be a battle between the what if’s in life and living freely.  Worry in a way is a prediction of future doom created inside our doubts and fears.

 

So for me, my first task when confronting worry, is to slow my mind. I slow my breath, try to slow my heart and focus intently below the thoughts and emotions.

 

I know when my mind is racing, trouble is coming.


We always have our practice to slow us down and bring us back to now.


Worry does not exist with a mind that is present, empty and focused on the senses.

 

Worry will still visit but the stay will be shorter.
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Worry visits me early Monday morning

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If you suffer from childhood trauma (abuse), worry and fear were daily companions.

 

I have worked and integrated most of my trauma. Worry still shows up to entice me in the morning.

 

 

Past thoughts and feelings of unworthiness, tragedy and anxiety try to gain a foothold.

 

 

Our battle to be free starts at this simple, core level.

 

 

Worry has dominated our early, formative years and seems to hang around looking for a way back in.

 

 

Worry can enter stealthily, powering up before we notice.

 

 

Always, our job is to focus on the breath, while letting go of the thought driving worry.

 

 

Come back to this present moment, empty of thought, focused on what the eyes see.

 


This simple skill can change your life more than any other endeavor.
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Worry, mine started early

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For those of us prone to worry, our choice of thoughts, determines our outcome.

 

 

Worry seems to have its own engine, a way of entering our consciousness without an invitation.

 

 

So I decided to invite my worrier into my mindfulness practice.

 

 

I envision my worrier and my current worries before I Meditate.

 

 

I invite all my worries to express themselves, loudly.

 

 

I observe, feel all the worries then breathe into them.

 

 

Resisting or trying to distract myself from worry failed time after time.

 

 

Embrace worry, feel all of it, then release it.

 

 

Lots of opportunity for practice.
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From “Buddhism Now” blog

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Question: What can I do about doubts? Some days I’m plagued with doubts about the practice or my own progress, or the teacher.

 

 

Answer: Doubting is natural. Everyone starts out with doubts. You can learn a great deal from them.

 

What is important is that you don’t identify with your doubts: that is, don’t get caught up in them.

 

This will spin your mind in endless circles.

 

 

Instead, watch the whole process of doubting, of wondering. See who it is that doubts. See how doubts come and go.

 

 

Then you will no longer be victimised by your doubts.

 

 

You will step outside of them and your mind will be quiet.

 

 

You can see how all things come and go.

 

 

Just let go of what you are attached to.

 

Let go of your doubts and simply watch.

 

 

This is how to end doubting.
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