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Meditation for me was not about a spiritual journey, searching for enlightenment or an awakening. Whatever the hell enlightenment is, out there, achieved after two to three decades of daily practice.
Meditation was my last hope finding relief from childhood PTSD. My dads constant criticism and abuse created a big unworthy hole in me.
A parent demanding perfection from a child, damages that child beyond belief. Life becomes a struggle, unworthiness manifests as self hate.
We abandon reading what our bodies need and start trying to fulfill the needs of the parent. We become strangers to ourselves.
I had a therapist say, if your dad wrote your epitaph on a grave stone, it would be, never good enough.
That is damage at my core, not a flaw.
Enter meditation: It took enormous daily practice to see unworthiness as a mirage. It took ten times that effort to accept and be vulnerable in the face of an unworthy trigger erupting.
Unworthy started before my mind developed. It becomes stealthy, sabotaging everything we try to do.
Unworthiness seeks solitude, desires approval over all else, then runs from negativity or criticism.
Unworthiness brings so much self hate that some external approval is needed to survive. It consumes our existence.
I have seen self hate manifest in an outwardly happy go lucky man. The desire to appear normal or the need to gain approval at all costs springs from self hate.
My unworthiness fueled my professional baseball career. I could outwork everyone else without that much difficulty.
The need for approval was far greater than any amount physical exercise.
Life was dedicated to working out, the goal was to enjoy success, which brought approval.
I accomplished my goal, even enjoyed some adulation, sports fans are passionate.
Only one problem, approval has nothing to do with healing or happiness.
I had to change my goal.
The need for approval dissiapated the more I meditated.
It is always a battle, healing is not a point of time but a daily, moment by moment awareness.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 