Posts Tagged ‘trust’

PTSD: Relationships

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Abused kids struggle in adult life with relationships.

We bring drama, mood swings, anxiety, lack of trust, and PTSD with us.

If we are married it takes a special mate to navigate our PTSD symptoms.

We can not act normally when triggers explode or PTSD activates with emotional intrusive thoughts.

When we isolate or avoid, how do we explain this to our mate?

We struggle with relationship responsibilities.

Before my PTSD exploded, I was married.

Afterward I was a completely different person, life narrowed for me.

In due time, the marriage collapsed. Looking back, it was mainly my fault.

A triple rollover, followed by spinal fusions, and nerve killings delivered chronic pain to my PTSD.

Hard to have a relationship when you go agoraphobic.

Inside the 15-person chronic pain group, all but one of us lost our mate.

The men left the women immediately, followed by the wives and girlfriends who stuck it out a little longer.

I subconsciously picked the female version of my abusive father for a wife.

We are attracted to familiarity without being aware of it.

PTSD is generational in my family, my dad, my first wife and the father of my grandkids all share strong narcissistic traits.

My life before PTSD exploded was different.

I can not envision that guy in my head anymore.
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Trust and PTSD do not mix.

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I have had three lives, an abusive childhood, an adult life with PTSD inactive, and then a contentious life after PTSD exploded.

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We are innocent victims of horrendous abuse as kids, with no escape, no chance at a normal brain or life.

As an adult, PTSD was dormant till around 55 when all hell broke loose.

Somehow I became a pro athlete, then a successful salesman.

How in the world did I ever exist as a salesman baffles me now?

After PTSD exploded life changed drastically.

That salesman was lost, I can not find anyone inside who could function like that, a guy who excelled at influencing strangers.

Who was that guy, where did he go, how did he accomplish those things.

This PTSD Marty could not be more different.

Those feelings about myself before PTSD exploded are gone, confusing residue from my past remains.

The confidence and courage to be a salesman are lost, and the desire to attach to others is gone.

Trust disappeared when PTSD exploded.

My childhood abuse came alive, I avoided people, out of safety for my being.

I can not describe the fear and distrust my active PTSD brings to my subconscious every day.

Feeling safe and connected is absent now.

I am lucky and grateful for my adult life when PTSD was inactive.

Life with PTSD active is harsh, the danger is always a companion, and we would rather be at home safe than in any social function.

Trust and PTSD do not mix.
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..What is it, the fabric of life we are missing?

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What is it, the fabric of life we are missing?

What do normal people feel towards each other?

I would never risk what they do. My nervous system would explode taking risks like that.

We do not understand, we opt out for isolation and avoidance, while they attach and congregate.

We feel Danger, fear strangers, they see opportunity and inclusion.

When it comes to attachment and trust normal people thrive, we are the opposite.

Take a normal person’s life and compare it to one of us.

They belong to organizations, neighborhood things, churches, etc., we may be estranged from our families, isolated and join damn near nothing.

Our friends form a tiny circle, it’s how an abused kid survives as an adult.

We limit our chances for betrayal, that’s always seems the best option.

How do you act when going out leads to more symptoms and suffering? I been there, done that for a couple years, it’s not fun.

Lack of Trust and attachment I believe is the cause of our sorrow.

I have no idea how to trust at a deep level, have tried many ways to grow my trust.

My family and I agreed to never speak for two decades.

If I can cut out my family for 20 years, I can cut out almost anyone.

I did not trust them either. Asked for help and they denied my PTSD.

Does trust and attachment form in childhood?
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PTSD: An Emotional wound

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The beatings have faded into obscurity, the pain long since past, almost forgotten.

The emotional scars were written in indelible ink.

They seem to have a lasting impact, resilient beyond necessity.

We are part of the walking wounded, still participating when we determine the risk is favorable.

On a bad day, I am risking little, more likely playing defense or hiding at home.

Life is a minefield, a battle inside our mind, thoughts wage an internal war.

The battle seems to never end, victories never vanquish the foe.

Is this our cross to bear?

PTSD has always been with me, I did not choose to be abused or be born into an abusive family.

My chronic pain is similar, a constant companion, it also ebbs and flows with stimulation.

Pain is unwanted as much as PTSD.

Pain and PTSD fluctuate at certain times, from active and painful to almost dormant.

Something is influencing the changes.

Infer that we can influence pain and PTSD also.

I am much better at managing my chronic pain than PTSD.

PTSD has a power source and capability of running on its own.

Normal people express so much deeper connection to one another. They trust each other at a level I would find dangerous.

I lack enough trust that I do not even understand the connection.

I have all the same positive emotions like a normal person, sadly mine has been hidden by abuse, pain, and fear.
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Do we need a loyal, trusting, intimate relationship to be happy

Boy, 90% of the world would be unhappy if we needed a loyal, intimate relationship.

I see many, many older ladies alone with a small dog as a companion.

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Are they happy or unhappy?

Do they desire a trusting lover?

Do we settle for a pet?

So Do we feel like a failure if we are alone without a small dog.

What expectations are appropriate? Healthy?

If your a woman unmarried at 35 your looked at indifferently, a spinster.

Hell, if you do not have kids you are looked on differently.

What a minefield.
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PTSD: Beyond Symptoms

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Most of my harsh PTSD physical symptoms have faded or been reduced to a low level through my healing efforts.

Hypervigilance, triggers firing, high anxiety and raging fear have subsided.

Besides depression and low-level anxiety, PTSD’s impact shows up in avoidance, isolation, the lack of desire to trust or bond with people.

What relationships I have left on this planet are shallow except for my kids and grandkids.

You will not find me on Facebook claiming 100’s of friends in a relaxed setting.

I do not have family pictures on my walls, or self-portraits, my ego was obliterated by my father’s abuse.

My life does not contain what normal people crave. I am ok with that.

My daughter tells me Facebook is for connecting to all your friends and family, keeping them apprised of our life.

I have had no use for this platform at any time in my life.

This blog is my outreach. Trying to share and support other traumatized people is my Facebook, I guess.

I do not trust putting myself out there in a public forum.

My life deals with the danger and possible betrayal posed by people, not the joy of needing small talk with others to feel included.

How am I supposed to trust, be relaxed enough to risk being vulnerable, when I fear what people will do to me?

Am I supposed to care about attaching to others more than my safety?

What is the benefit for me? Does it overcome the risk of betrayal?

No!

We avoid, lack the composure to feel safe around people.

Being seriously abused as a kid has a lifetime of suffering and isolation waiting for you.

I may heal but I will never trust people.

I am ok with that.

I am not a victim, by necessity I have had to learn to need very little to navigate life.

I fear people way more than Ptsd. Trust was something that I used once, with one person, and that public betrayal changed my life forever.

Happiness and trust do not mix in my mind or life.

My happiness does not contain what others think happiness consists of.

That’s alright with me also.

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A conversation with my therapist

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My relationship with my therapist is unique, very open, and I sense a true concern for my healing. He recognizes my knowledge of PTSD and effort trying to heal.

Serious trauma before the brain develops has so many more tentacles hidden inside. Survival mode shuts down many needed brain developmental functions. Building attachments, social skills, feeling safe and trust suffer in survival mode.

He said some childhood trauma gets hard wired inside brain development, unplugging this will be arduous if possible.

My mind learned to lock on to my fathers mood at all times. My therapist said this was real, abuse happened every week, and I lived in survival mode. A mind does not develop correctly while in survival mode.

PTSD being a choice: He laughed and said very few people understand serious childhood trauma. What people say can do damage, it’s like others trying to place blame or guilt on us for our PTSD.

A response yesterday: “Try focusing on something else besides all your traumas. Design & build something with your hands. Incorporate your grandkids into new projects.”

A normal brain can not fathom intrusive thoughts. That is your mind running full speed on its own, bombarding us with zillions of trauma dangers. Building things is a distraction, a good action but does nothing to heal trauma or stop the intrusive thoughts.

Subconsciously our minds search for danger in every situation without thought. This is survival mode or the hybrid that still lives inside me.

Loss is big for serious abused kids.

At 69 I still fear being a failure. I had to search deep while meditating to uncover these subconscious worries.

My actions mirror this behavior but consciously I did not have those thoughts.

I see now that I have always lived in some semblance of survival mode.

That’s all I knew as a kid. It is hard wired. I hit overload if you put me in a crowd.

It is not enjoyable. How do you fix not trusting on top of all the other PTSD symptoms?

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Childhood abuse, do we ever trust

Pixabay: Myriams-Fotos

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Awareness preempts any change in my humble opinion.

Many habits and patterns go unnoticed right below the surface of consciousness.

Recently, I realized how sensitive or paranoid my behavior has developed.

At all times, in any situation, I am aware of everything around me.

I have always been like this, always knowing where my father was, what mood, what danger existed.

It is second nature to me, my peripheral vision is excellent, I even know what is behind me.

Now I see this as a defense mechanism (PTSD symptoms), where real danger rarely exists.

My behavior has developed from a violent, abusive childhood.

My Survival mode is always activated in some form no matter where I am or what I am doing.

I am not physically afraid, in fact quite the opposite, however emotionally, imminent danger has always been close.

My complete childhood was spent more or less in survival mode.

Spotting imminent danger overwhelmed all other circuits.

Part of it is hereditary, I inherited my mothers nervous system, high strung and anxiety ridden.

When my fight or flight mechanism would fire, it was violent and intense, numbing, almost paralyzing.

Meditation has calmed my nervous system.

Unfortunately now I see my Nervous system does not fire violently, however he is on high alert constantly, spotting danger.

It has been mostly subconscious, nothing overt or any conscious effort.

All this happens automatically without thought or input.

Being able to trust is so important.

How do we trust with only betrayal in our past?

Trust is just something I know nothing about.

How do you start trusting at age 69?

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