Posts Tagged ‘Thoughts’

PTSD: Do you Worry

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These observations arrived after intense inner exploration and awareness.

I sit in dead silence, sensing my inner world for fear, anxiety, or agitation.

My earliest memories from childhood contain worry, a space sparsely inhabited by safety.

I am aware of my mind’s tendencies and wiring.

The spell breaks momentarily when I get absorbed in an activity or during meditation sits.

At times, I can take a step back and observe the thoughts connected to my worrisome brain.

He perceives real danger, it is a highly emotional feeling.

At times I can discount these thoughts as PTSD related and calm my nervous system, still, as a result, I avoid people.

The combination of worry and lack of trust has an isolating effect on my life.

Worry is such a harmful emotion for abused kids.

The blog psychological tools define worry this way:

What Is Worry?

“Worrying is a form of thinking about the future, defined as thinking about future events in a way that leaves you feeling anxious or apprehensive.

Clinically, excessive worry is the primary symptom of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).”
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My two cents: PTSD is also an anxiety disorder.

A correction, from NIH.gov

PTSD is no longer considered an anxiety-related disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition classification and instead is associated with trauma/stressor-related disorders. PTSD symptoms are clustered into four domains including intrusive experiences, avoidance, mood, and arousal symptoms.

Do you worry?
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PTSD versus strength of purpose

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Life had enormous obligations and responsibilities as a kid.

I was tasked with being a great professional baseball player by age 7.

This was my father’s mandate, backed by violence and criticism.

Outstanding performances granted me a slight reprieve, perfection was demanded as criticism was his vehicle of motivation or punishment.

Life was overwhelming, anxiety and fear dominated.

My Ego was created in this dangerous and anxious-filled childhood.

My mind still reacts to life in survivor mode first, my default setting.

My first response to perceived danger is to recoil(flight) or attack(fight).

Loss and failure are always in the equation of any public encounter.

It is how my brain is wired from my earliest recollections.

I weigh the negative possibilities every time I leave the house.

I am on guard, defensive, and motivated to get in and get back home.

I can navigate and neutralize these feelings at times.

My purpose must be greater than the perceived risk.

Crowds and certain social situations are completely avoided.

A normal person would die of boredom, he/she does not have my childhood scars.
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“You mean I am not bound by my thoughts and their related feelings in any way?

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From The Deep Heart:

“We are ultimately undefinable and thus totally free from everything.

This is one of the premier insights of traditional nondual teachings.

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“You mean I am not bound by my thoughts and their related feelings in any way?

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Who I really am is pure awareness or consciousness?”

We are invited by these teachings to wake up out of our mis-taken identity and simply be as we are, undefined and unconfined by any story or image.

Can you sense the liberating power of this realization?“

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PTSD: Awareness of Thoughts

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From The Deep Heart:

“For example, whenever you have a thought, you must first be aware of it.

This simple but critically important differentiation is reflected in our ordinary speech.

We say: “I am aware of thought” or “I am thinking about . . .”

Prior to any thought is the “I am” — the sense of being aware.

Awareness precedes thought, even if we don’t consciously recognize it.

We can be aware without thought when there are moments of conscious silence, yet we can never have a thought without being implicitly aware.

Our attention can certainly be lost or absorbed in thought, yet a quiet background awareness is always present, available with a slight shift of attention.”
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My two cents: I kind of disagree on these grounds.

From the Mindfulness Skills Workbook for Clinicians and Clients: 111 Tools, Techniques, Activities & Worksheets

“With 60,000 thoughts a day (and the emotions they evoke) whirling through the mind, it is easy to understand how the mind can get cluttered, overwhelmed, and unfocused.

A calm, clear mind can be easily overwhelmed by the constant flow of thoughts, feelings, and sensations.”

I am not aware of the majority of those 60,000 thoughts.

That’s about one every second during waking time.

My mind can not focus on a new thought every second.

Can yours?
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Opening the Deep Heart

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During my meditation sits, my goal is to open my heart, to not think, to find the unworded knowing.

I can get to the no thought space, observing my breath and body sensations intimately.

To be honest, I have no clue what an open heart feels like, how to trust the universe, or feel safe in this world.

The path is not well lit or traveled.

We must have faith, I guess.

It must be very subtle in the beginning.

Is this the path to knowing, healing, or well-being?

Have you opened your heart up after childhood abuse?

Please share?
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Sensing the Body: part 1

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From The Deep Heart:


“As we begin to sense into our body, some areas will feel more free and open while others will feel dense and closed.

It is common to encounter areas that feel numb or frozen, and this is often true with the heart area.

As I mentioned in chapter 1, when we are young, we learn to protect our most sensitive areas from attack, abandonment, neglect, and the shocks of ordinary life.

When it’s too painful to stay open, we find ways to shut down.

We withdraw our native sensitivity like a turtle pulling back into its shell.

We try to be as small, invisible, or hard as possible in order to remain safe and avoid difficult feelings such as shame, terror, grief, rage, vulnerability, or bitter disappointment.

Sometimes, under extreme duress, we may even need to dissociate and leave our body for a while.”
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PTSD: Heart Wisdom

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One of our big issues is thinking, judging, and dissociating into the past.

We get lost trying to think our way out, always wanting to rationalize our condition.

Does this describe the “Ego” we create, that judging superstar?

Thoughts then attach to emotions, strengthening their impact.

John J. Pendergast opines, “The willingness to not know creates space for a different kind of knowing, for heart wisdom to emerge.”

Our left cognitive hemisphere dominates life, he/she is quick and competitive.

Heart wisdom is the opposite, deep, slow and neutral.

I have to get out of my head if healing is my goal.

Heart Wisdom is an unexplored resource for me, fertile ground for improvement.

Childhood abuse separated us from our hearts, we are strangers.

Maybe this is where trust sprouts for normal people.

This is the road less traveled, in my opinion.
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Is the cure for PTSD external?

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Is the cure for PTSD external?

Do we need the perfect mate, children, a zillion friends, power, success, or what?

What are we missing?

What direction is toward healing?

What external possession or thing, do you think would cure our PTSD?

If PTSD is not a choice, then what are we missing, what holds us back from healing?

For me healing is internal.

Abstract internal things would help heal me.

Trust would be my biggest need, my biggest void.

How do we label trust?

Is it an emotion, feeling, state of mind, a cognitive function, a skill, or what?

I have tried many ways to trust.

Trust eludes me to this day.

I have rarely trusted anyone beyond the superficial.

How is your relationship with TRUST?
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Is PTSD a choice?

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Some people think PTSD is a choice, and symptoms are controlled by cognitive judgments.

Condescendingly a friend said, “I choose to be happy.”

That infers I choose to have PTSD. That’s BULLSHIT!

All I have to do is choose to be happy and PTSD fades away.

How do we respond?

They are pointing out how weak they think we are.

I have a hard time with this mindset.

People who do not have PTSD, can not fathom what it is like.

I wonder if they ever get a clue or know the damage they inflict?

Do I lack courage?

Some of my friends think so.
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PTSD: Getting out of our head

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The battle is engaged, I am trying to get out of my head, traveling down to my heart area (solar plexus).

I want to filter my PTSD, my irrational thoughts, and my symptoms through my heart area (soul).

When trauma thoughts lure me away, I return to my body sensations.

I have learned to sit amid my unrest, focusing intently, observing my inner world.

Breathing through my solar plexus shifts focus from my head, we know that thinking is the enemy.

My thought streams constantly venture into past betrayals and childhood abuse.

Emotional duress is fortified with the release of our fear drugs, jolting our physical body, while rational thought is compromised. We start to panic.

This is fertile ground for PTSD.

Engaging these thoughts has consequences, PTSD thrives and multiplies.

The thoughts, the shame, and the failures still visit every day.

Childhood abuse is complex, confusing, and subconscious.

Staying present, focused, and alert rescues us momentarily.

Healing is that far off goal, the moment-to-moment battle takes priority.

Some days are a constant battle, normal life takes a back seat.

This means PTSD thoughts are active.

I may be successful in staying present, however, PTSD has stopped normal functions.

Time battling PTSD is never recovered.

Hard to find joy in the middle of this war.
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