Posts Tagged ‘Thoughts’

Waking up in the Morning with PTSD

I wish it would stay dark, morning would not arrive, prolonging my avoidance of the world


Laying in bed early in the morning, a new day greets me with Ptsd symptoms, anxiety, depression, fear, worry, and a foreboding sense of shame.

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https://pixabay.com/users/greyerbaby-2323/

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Danger, violence, and betrayal surround me, knowing it is irrational does not stop that snowball from rolling down that hill.

The symptoms and damage are real. The thoughts are irrational and biased, called implicit memory (stored trauma).

Abused kids’ brains are wired differently, altered to survive childhood, sensitive to danger, and proficient at surviving and avoiding.

Life is reactionary and premeditated, we feel vulnerable around people, taking risks is dangerous.

My symptoms and thoughts tell one side of the story, the way I live my life shines a light on the damage done.

I avoid people when possible, limit my contact and chances for betrayal.

Ptsd brings enough fear that it destroys desire, it diminishes the little pleasure I enjoy.

Ptsd has made me a loner of the highest degree.

I would be content if my suffering and isolation would calm.

My PTSD has exploded again, trying to stop the pain has become a mission.

My mind has become the enemy, abuse has overwhelmed my sense of value.

Weakening as I age has made my PTSD more powerful.

It is not the explosion of my fight or flight mechanism, the dumping of cortisol and adrenaline anymore, it is a deep depression, worthlessness, and harsh betrayal that haunts my waking thoughts.

Pain and suffering are daily companions, feeling worthy, feeling attached and calm are foreign emotions.

I can not find the door out this time.

The escape route is hidden in the confusion of latent trauma.

My life is highly irrational, I search for the key to enter a calmer existence.

Will I ever trust or feel a little contentment?
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Fear has a relationship with childhood Abuse

https://www.pexels.com/photo/city-skyline-during-orange-sunset-5429260/

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I was afraid as a kid, my earliest memories contain fear, an invisible demon.

Without a developed brain to deflect the abuse, fear became a dominant emotion.

Fear negatively impacted my nervous system, instead of attachment, my brain was on high alert for danger.

So many of our habitual behaviors were to avoid danger.

We anticipated danger, analyzed every situation before going anywhere.

This does not develop a positive attitude, an open heart or a curious mind.

My childhood was about pleasing then avoiding my father.

The specific do not matter, my brain wired under extreme duress and fear. So did many of your brains.

Somehow, from reading, meditating and therapy, I feel free to share, helping others I hope.

We do not cure serious childhood abuse, we navigate the triggers, hopefully make their duration less, then try to live in the present.

Mundane things others do effortlessly, take an emotional and physical toll on us.

We are different.

We are more serious, more cautious, we fear shame and betrayal more than wanting pleasure.

No normal person can get their head around that concept.

My advice, retreat when necessary, accept the difficulty, but never, ever give up.

I have woken up to my trauma fears every day of my life.

I am not the only one.
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What are the social-community expectations of appearance?

https://unsplash.com/@andremouton

“First, what are the social-community expectations of appearance?


Brene Brown:

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From a societal level, appearance includes everything from hair, skin, makeup, weight, clothing, shoes and nails to attitude, confidence, age and wealth.

If you pile on community-specific expectations, you might have to add things like hair texture, hair length, skin color, face and body hair, teeth, looking “done-up,” not looking “done-up,” clothing and jewelry.

Why do appearance expectations exist?

I would say they exist to keep us spending our valuable resources—money, time and energy—on trying to meet some ideal that is not achievable.

Think about this: Americans spend more each year on beauty than we do on education.

How does it work? I think the expectations are both obvious and subtle—they are everything we see and everything we don’t see.

If you read fashion magazines or watch TV, you know what you are “supposed to” look like and how you are “supposed to” dress and act.

If you look hard enough, you also see everything that’s missing—the images of real people.

If you combine what’s there and what’s missing, you quickly come to believe that if you don’t look a certain way, you become invisible; you don’t matter.

What is the impact of these expectations? Well, let’s see. . . .

• About eighty million Americans are obese.

• Approximately seven million girls and women suffer from an eating disorder.

• Up to nineteen percent of college-aged women are bulimic.

• Eating disorders are the third most common chronic illness among females.

• The latest surveys show very young girls are going on diets because they think they are fat and unattractive. In one American survey, eighty-one percent of ten-year-old girls had already dieted at least once.

• A research survey found that the single largest group of high-school students considering or attempting suicide are girls who feel they are overweight.

• Twenty-five years ago, top models and beauty queens weighed only eight percent less than the average woman; now they weigh twenty-three percent less.

The current media ideal for women is achievable by less than five percent of the female population—and that’s just in terms of weight and size.

• Among women over eighteen looking at themselves in the mirror, research indicates that at least eighty percent are unhappy with what they see.

Many will not even be seeing an accurate reflection.

Most of us have heard that people with anorexia see themselves as larger than they really are, but some recent research indicates that this kind of distorted body image is by no means confined to those suffering from eating disorders—in some studies up to eighty percent of women overestimated their size.

Increasing numbers of women with no weight problems or clinical psychological disorders look at themselves in the mirror and see ugliness and fat.

• According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, since 1997, there has been a 465 percent increase in the total number of cosmetic procedures.

• Women had nearly 10.7 million cosmetic procedures, ninety percent of the total. The number of cosmetic procedures for women has increased forty-nine percent since 2003.

• The top five surgical procedures for women were: liposuction, breast augmentation, eyelid surgery, tummy tuck and facelift.

• Americans spent just under $12.5 billion on cosmetic procedures in 2004.”
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What does happiness look like for you?..

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Failure or should I say fear of failure has followed me subconsciously since early childhood.


If happiness depends on being normal, thinking like an unabused person, we are doomed to failure.

https://images.pexels.com/photos/15286/pexels-photo.jpg?cs=srgb&dl=pexels-luis-del-r%C3%ADo-15286.jpg&fm=jpg

Some failure is beyond our control.

My father never said a kind word to me, he criticized my every action then physically beat me severely.

The world holds so much more danger and loss for me.

My dad demanded perfection, nothing less than a great professional baseball player was acceptable.

I failed him, miserably, I was a thing to him.

I feel at risk around people, I do not trust them, do not know how to trust them.

Betrayal left a permanent stain in college, intimacy died in the face of opportunity.

People have been treacherous in my life.

Happiness for me does not involve lots of people or any somedays.

At 70, I can not change the damage, the impact on my life.

I strive to improve every day but I have avoided people, groups, crowds, and organizations.

Solitude is much safer and more fulfilling in my world.

What does happiness look like for you?
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PTSD insights


People diagnosed with complex Ptsd (childhood abuse) struggle on the cognitive side of our brain, the left hemisphere.

Pixabay Jordan_Singh

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Childhood trauma is irrational, common sense thinking leads us in circles.

The right hemisphere, our creative side, connects with our heart without thought.

The right hemisphere only knows this current moment, right now, the only place where PTSD dies as long as we immerse ourselves.

I have to leave worry alone, leave what might happen, and leave the past alone to escape PTSD.

Ptsd is not a single battle, each day brings challenges, a crisis could ignite a war.

Attitude can not depend on results.

I am a habitual man from my earlier days.

I get up, meditate, work on healing, do my chores and hike every day whether I feel great or suicidal.

We need a few things that PTSD can not stop or impact.

We need wins, actual power demonstrated through action.

This is not for the faint of heart, being a victim is easy, takes courage and strength to take daily action.

I may hide at times but I always do my routine.

I find a kind of peace with the familiarity.

My mind relaxes in the middle of focus.
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A Christmas Wish for you: Never give in, Never give up!

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/11188699061880344/

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Lately, I have been struggling, old trauma resurfacing has impacted my life negatively.

At times it feels like there is no hope only darkness and suffering.

You have read desperate posts of suffering and hopelessness.

I can not hide my tough times, Ptsd will impact us the rest of our lives from time to time.

But that’s not the whole story.

I have not given up.

My effort to heal remains the same, I continue to search for that opening.

Do not give in, do not give up.

Some days that is my purpose.

If I was dependant on results, quitting would be much easier.

Sometimes, putting in the work, in the face of helplessness is all I need.

We have to find gratitude in our effort.

Recognize the difficulty that we face, revel in the ability to take action in the face of fear and anxiety.

I have sat many hours in silent meditation, alone with my mind, observing my trauma thoughts.

Giving up is easy, victimhood does not end well.

Know that taking daily action, resisting, fighting to improve holds pockets of joy and satisfaction.

Victimhood carries the known sufferings that we accept as our destiny.

Victimhood carries no hope.

Never giving up need not succeed to bring purpose and some satisfaction.

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Ho Ho Ho: Christmas brings unresolved shame,

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/138063544813531301/

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Holidays bring depression and reminders of unresolved shame for me.

My trauma memories cancel this false celebration of family, Christmas.

I would rather not be involved in Christmas, in the celebration of how great family is supposed to be.

To the outside world, I smile and play the shallow role of a normal person.

On the inside, I resent what people have done to me!

I was born into the prison of a violent abusive narcissist.

There was no escape, no way to survive the damage, emotional and physical.

Fear, anxiety, and shame were my dominant emotions.

Critical violence was my father’s favorite game with me.

Life always came at me too fast, I was fighting a separate battle of abuse besides trying to be a kid.

I worried so much I puked often.

My nervous system was always on high alert, that little boy feared for his life.

I did not attach to another human being, my dad isolated me for total control.

Now, I am the consummate loner, I avoid people, contact except for necessities.

I lost the ability to trust, to desire attachment, to be vulnerable to betrayal.

It pains me to see the damage.

Feeling worthy is something I will never experience.

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Are normal people proud of their lives?

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/16114511154814772/

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Can therapy fix my life?

Will I ever feel normal, have warm emotions and attachments like normal people?

Will I ever feel safe in public, around strangers, or in a relationship?

Can you show me what love is?

How does it work, feel? How can you trust, how can you feel safe?

What is it? I experienced public shame when I tried to love.

I only know abuse and betrayal, I have no idea what love is, or how it works.

How do you trust another human being?

My childhood was brutal, dad beat me with a special paddle, screaming shame-filled words as he abused me.

That son of a bitch enjoyed brutalizing me.

It would take me into adulthood before I threatened him.

He was a coward facing a grown man, but the damage was done.

A coward, my father could only bully a kid.

Love does not flow from violent childhood abuse.

How do I handle the shame from childhood, from college?

Normal kids got love, abused kids received a heavy dose of shame.

Are normal people proud of their lives?

I am ashamed of my life and do not want to be reincarnated or born again.

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Ptsd, our emotional pain and shame

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https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

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I handle my chronic pain with a jocks attitude, one person out of my chronic pain group followed me and regained his life.

Childhood abuse is different, betrayal in college altered ever trusting a human again.

I should have left this planet back then, the rest of my life would be filled with suffering.

My suffering is not greater than other abused kids, I am not special.

My childhood abuse and betrayal in college devastated my spirit.

My attitude, I was scared to death, anxious and humiliated, criticism and violence would be my daily companions.

Physical pain did not dent my armor, emotional abuse rocked my very core.

It’s hard to write in words the impact violent abuse has on a child’s brain.

It’s impossible to describe in words what a caregiver’s shaming does to a kid.

I hate what some people have done to me.

I will never understand how or why I was abused so severely.

Now, my life is lived in my room, it is one of the only safe places.

Is complex PTSD isolating?

I do not know, but I have lost the desire for being around people altogether.

You will never find me in a crowd or rarely out in public.

My thoughts are the terrible invisible prison I occupy every morning.

Since college, I have tried to isolate myself as much as I could.

I do not feel safe around people, I fear betrayal.

I have found no silver lining, no gift from my childhood, nothing positive out of betrayal.

Life is more painful than it is worth.

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My mind has patterns, some good, some harmful!

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My mind has patterns, some good, some harmful!

From the earliest memory, my mind and nervous system would lock on to my dad’s behavior, that’s where imminent danger lived for me.

My nervous system was always alert, ready to go to Defcon five in seconds.

This was reinforced every day I lived in that house.

To this day, my mind will lock onto imminent danger, (perceived imminent danger) my mood races to extremes, reacting subconsciously to its perceptions.

My mind, my stored implicit memory, thinks I could be gravely hurt by the current stimulus.

It’s called PTSD and our mind and nervous system are wired differently, hard-wired in extreme survival mode.

My childhood was 17 plus years of daily criticism, physical and emotional abuse.

My brain subconsciously scans the horizon, spotting danger, navigating around people.

My attachments have always been shallow, I always depended on myself, made my own decisions.

My PTSD brain is rigid, anxious, and aggressive, that is a male trait I believe.

I do not understand how people can trust, risk betrayal, or worse.

It is beyond avoidance for me, I do not trust or have a desire to trust.

There is nothing in my memory bank that reinforces attaching to strangers or anyone else.

Emotional safety is the foremost consideration before I leave this house for anything.

I hate it.

I could take anyone afraid of heights up to the top of the Empire State Building.

All the focus and breathing and thinking will not shut that fear down.

You will not be able to calmly analyze anything, think about a dinner engagement, or have a happy-go-lucky experience.

You will be tense, muscles, tendons, nervous system scared to death. You are frozen, parts of the cognitive thinking are offline, rational thought is impossible.

Think you could do some algebra or thread a needle?

Is happiness a choice right now?

How long will a mind be upset from a near-death experience? Hours, days, weeks?

That’s what an intense trigger felt like for me.

That’s PTSD.

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