Posts Tagged ‘Thoughts’

A blanket of Darkness

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PTSD feels like a heavy weight, a dark blanket of sadness.

A force applying pressure downward numbing my being.

When my symptoms momentarily subside, I feel lightness return.

I notice the difference, the feeling, the emotional freedom.

I have worked hard to heal, and to be aware of my symptoms traits, strengths, and weaknesses.

When PTSD and depression are active, my waking hours are filled with turmoil, anxiety, and danger.

Desire and opportunity disappear from consciousness, we return to some form of survivor mode.

Survivor mode shuts down parts of the brain, some executive functions while activating our defense mechanism.

Survival replaces desire. Or maybe our greatest desire is to survive above all other desires.

Desire needs a safe place to exist.

PTSD never feels safe to us.

After childhood, we do not trust the world, we fear what may happen to us next.

Maybe this is why we lack direction, confidence, and self-worth.

Survival mode has no direction, it is best used sparingly for a crisis.

Daily use is terrible for our health and emotional sanity.
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PTSD: Changes are happening

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My PTSD symptoms have spiked, and an intense change has happened in the last 10 days.

My stomach and solar plexus remain tight and agitated.

My sense of danger and fear is palpable.

It’s like looking down a dark alley sensing danger, nothing is concrete or visible, it is more intuitive, more abstract.

Two times now, PTSD has receded momentarily during this turmoil.

My symptoms stop, I felt desire arise and life opened up for a minute.

Most of the time it seems something worse than death is coming.

Now that’s contrast.

That’s how PTSD works, it creates disastrous scenarios of failure.

Am I in the middle of a breakthrough or am I going in the opposite direction?

Hard to tell inside this tsunami.
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Childhood abuse: A Flawed self image

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My observations: In my opinion, the creation of a flawed self-image (Ego) is one of the strongest negative consequences of childhood abuse.

We never find our true self, we are lost, influenced by our past damage.

We lack the ability to love ourselves (self-love).

This is the foundation, the core we are missing.

We have no idea who we are supposed to be, trying to survive dominates our waking hours.

Trusting ourselves is rare, our flawed self-image brings many struggles.

Life never had easy-going moments, danger always stole the stage.

Yes, I have always felt extremely flawed, missing something other kids possessed.

My path did not include repairing these voids, I was lost inside PTSDs vortex of suffering.

It is a confusing life filled with turmoil and anxiety.

PTSD masks over desire, opportunity, and living fully.

I felt helpless and flawed as a kid, how was adulthood going to be any different?

PTSD becomes stronger over time, symptoms increase until we somehow improve or heal.

I question whether any severely abused kid heals or has a decent life.

The Ace study confirms our plight of suffering, mental disorders, addiction, disease, and early death.

https://traumainformedoregon.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Adverse-Childhood-Experiences-Impact-of-Childhood-Trauma-on-Adult-Wellbeing-TIO.pdf

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PTSD dropped away for a moment yesterday

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PTSD operates without any conscious input from me, he feels like an internal entity, an invisible demon.

Yesterday while skirmishing with intrusive thoughts and emotions, I felt everything drop away momentarily.

Instead of being in the middle of the triggers, I was at a distance, separate, observing PTSDs mechanism.

I could feel life without PTSDs distractions or influence.

That dark cloud dissipated for a moment. How strange a feeling.

My nervous system calmed, while my anxiety and fear took a short vacation.

Life felt entirely different with PTSD being suppressed like this.

My first thought was, how do I make this last, perpetuate a life without the constant drama, danger, and anxiety of PTSD?

Is this a breakthrough or a fleeting moment?

I felt life as a normal person for the first time, I think.

I dream of a calm mind, a normal brain with normal thoughts, and a life filled with desire.
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Part 1: Hooked on a Feeling: intrusive and ruminative symptoms in PTSD by Kate Dahlgrenn

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Excerpt:

“Ruminative type symptoms are also seen in posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) under the general header of negative alterations in cognition and mood.

These symptoms include pervasive negative beliefs about oneself or the world, such as feelings of self-blame and guilt, which often coincide with distorted beliefs about the traumatic event that led to the development of PTSD (APA, 2013).

Persistent depressive symptoms, such as negative emotional state (e.g. anger, shame, etc.) and inability to feel pleasure (anhedonia), as well as hyper-arousal symptoms, like exaggerated startle response and constantly feeling on edge or hyper-vigilant, are also features of PTSD symptomatology (APA, 2013).

Additionally, PTSD is characterized by intrusive symptoms, defined as recurrent, involuntary, and distressing trauma-related memories; these often appear in nightmares or during flashbacks, which are powerful, involuntary episodes where a memory is re-experienced (APA, 2013).

This profile of symptoms often leads to diminished interest in or participation in normal activities and result in social isolation (APA, 2013).

These symptoms are also associated with significant distress and may increase maladaptive emotion regulation, such as negative appraisal and avoidance.”

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Who do you believe you are?

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This was a response to a question in another post, We work on becoming the person we believe we are or want to be.

A normal person sees a positive, productive, happy you, I think.

What about an adult who was abused as a kid, who does he/she see themselves as?

For me, I have no clue who I am supposed to be.

When does this happen, in childhood?

Who do you believe you are?
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PTSD: Is happiness attainable?

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Yesterday, my nervous system and sense of danger intensified.

I am on edge, short-tempered, and on alert.

Nothing concrete, this abstract sense of fear impacts life, my behavior, and PTSD symptoms.

It is not connected to anything specific.

At times, this battle inside my brain wreaks havoc on my being.

It is an ominous feeling, a foreboding sense of doom that has followed me since childhood.

Do normal people have thoughts and feelings like this?

After numerous attempts to calm everything down failed, I accepted these awkward feelings and went on with my day.

Oh, I am acutely aware of how my nervous system nears tilt again.

PTSD steals life away, every day I battle for my sanity.

Is Happiness unattainable for us?

I would settle for a cessation of suffering!
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A PTSD Ego

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As my Ego formed in childhood, strong feelings of helplessness and weakness dominated my brain.

Childhood was a violent prison for some of us.

As that small child endured constant criticism and violence, his self-image was damaged.

It happens when a caregiver threatens your safety.

Old trauma, childhood trauma is confusing and out of sequence, highly charged, and extremely powerful inside our brain.

As my body deteriorates with age, I am starting to feel vulnerable and weak again.

PTSD wreaks havoc on me at 70.

There is a void inside me, we are hollow in certain areas.

It always involves trust.

So much worry, so many doubts. This is the internal dialogue that runs inside our heads.

We have a hard time trusting ourselves.

Trusting others is difficult when we do not trust ourselves.
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PTSD: Early mornings

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Early morning darkness has a profound silence, a haunting time to peruse the events of the coming day.

I lay in bed perfectly still, my mind always churning, searching for answers, for solutions.

Listening intently, PTSDs sirens break this stillness.

Questions pierce my consciousness, and judgments follow soon afterward.

Where has desire gone?

Since PTSD exploded a decade ago, I avoided from day one.

Desires dwindle when we avoid.

PTSD changes desires slowly as we avoid people and situations over time.

It’s like a teeter-totter, more desire less avoidance, or more avoidance less desire.

At its core is a lack of trust.
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PTSD: Avoidance is my issue

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After a decade of therapy and meditation, I was able to use exposure and flooding therapy to navigate socially.

I visited my trigger situations until my nervous system calmed down.

This was a monumental success for me, I was agoraphobic for six months.

Two PTSD Symptoms persist, dissociation, ruminating in the past and avoidance

I can navigate socially, it can be awkward, triggering or tolerable.

Why do I stay in my room then?

I rarely make plans, the desire to go out has no energy, no purpose for me.

The one exception, I engage the world if it involves my grandkids.

Absent my grandkids, I end up in my room.

That’s the reality of my PTSDs damage.

Look what I have become.

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