Posts Tagged ‘Thoughts’

10 Aug

A PTSD brain: wired differently

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/aytuguluturk-4440588/

.
I would love an fMRI scan and evaluation of my brain, a look into its dysfunction, and a snapshot of the defective wiring of child abuse.

Nothing I have read comes close to describing how my brain works.

My abuse, my betrayals, and my losses dominate my thought patterns.

What do you do when the negative, violent, and traumatic events of your life replay over and over?

Why does my mind concentrate on past trauma, past betrayal above all else?

Happy, kind, or trusting thoughts rarely enter my mind, and feeling safe has a battle with the danger these thoughts bring.

We avoid and isolate, a nomad-like existence, not belonging to any group, always on the fringes of society.

Few relationships tether us to this world.

I have no idea what a normal person thinks or what his/her life is like, and they have no clue about mine.

Life is different for us.

I have accepted this as reality.
.
.

9 Aug

PTSD: Our Nervous System

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/


.
I inherited a flighty or elevated nervous system from my mother.

She was an extremely emotional person, easily excited, and a constant worrier.

Worry intensifies anxiety, a vicious cycle.

An elevated nervous system impacts the intensity with which I experience PTSD.

My fight or flight mechanism paralyzes me with the gigantic shock to my solar plexus, a numbing feeling of terror.

I freeze or flee as quickly as possible, it is hard to fight when you can barely move.

Those were my early days of PTSD.

It took five years of meditating 5 hours a day for me to calm my fight or flight mechanism.

Now PTSD has changed and haunts me in thought and a different kind of internal fear.

PTSD brings depression, a lethal one-two punch.
.
.

8 Aug

PTSD: Exposure Therapy did not heal me

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/


.
Exposure therapy scared me.

Going agoraphobic for six months, avoiding everything, hiding in my dark garage, the thought of facing my demons terrified me.

It’s like teaching someone to swim by throwing them into the deep end.

It is terrifying and feels life-threatening without skills or tools.

mindfulness skills had to be developed, learning how to focus and stay present before exposure therapy was beneficial.

In my opinion, Exposure therapy can cause damage if the PTSD client is not ready.

I developed the skill to visit my triggers, to dissipate the anxiety with my breath.

Exposure therapy was supposed to heal me.

It did not.

After I did the work, faced my demons, and was able to navigate life better, PTSD still caused me to avoid and suffer.

Exposure therapy did not increase my self worth, restore my trust or improve my life much.

Exposure therapy did calm my nervous system and allow me to take actions I could not before.

I could go out now if I had to.

What does heal PTSD?

All the therapies have helped me improve, but PTSD persists and brings daily suffering.

Maybe psychedelics to expand my mind to other possibilities.

How do you afford or find some of these new cures?
.
.

7 Aug

PTSD: is it a Mirage, bad Imagination?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/sarahrichterart-1546275/


.
Is it all a mirage, PTSD that is?

I read my posts about fear, anxiety, triggers, and intrusive thoughts, they seem so small, so feeble looking on paper.

Words can not convey PTSDs power over me, parts of my brain shut down during triggers firing, or while grasping intrusive thoughts.

Life changes when PTSD becomes active, confusion and anxiety dominate our being.

Is this real? Imagination? Mirage or fact?

I can not see concrete evidence, it is all about the past, it is abstract, only memories that are distorted.

Was my childhood that bad, the memories are confusing and out of sequence, time is distorted, and my fear spikes.

Physically we are unharmed, our defense mechanism works all too well.

Danger was spotted, the fight or flight mechanism fired violently, then calmed back down to our normal.

Why do we fear another trigger firing then?

Why do we avoid and fear something that does no physical damage?

The dumping of cortisol and adrenaline is extremely uncomfortable, our being is ramping up to face a perceived lethal threat.

We try to avoid these chemicals and any person or situation that is connected to them.

Our fight or flight mechanism firing as we secrete cortisol and adrenaline is what we label as fear.

That intense jolt in the solar plexus, like a numbing punch, is what we call fear.

PTSD fires that mechanism over and over, he has access to the switch.

PTSD would not be so powerful without access to that switch.

Thoughts, opinions?
.
.

6 Aug

PTSD: is it background music for us?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/


.
My mind developed in survivor mode, it plays as background music now, always lurking in the shadows, always looking to increase its volume.

My mind is drawn to problems (danger), like a bug to a light, it is a habitual trait, it allows the background music to amplify the tune.

Our defense mechanism is more sensitive, more developed, and more used than a normal person.

We are superstars at spotting potential danger.

Focusing on the present becomes problematic.

My emotions intensify, some of the left prefrontal cortex shuts down, we are in full-blown survivor mode.

The cognitive engine will only make things worse, he heightens panic, as he judges and grasps trauma thoughts.

Failure or Fear of failure has always been a worst-case scenario for me.

My childhood was filled with fear of failure, it became habitual, my default mode of existence.

I try to meditate, try to distract myself, try to let this bombardment of thoughts go, and try to calm down.

My mind is mush, the best I can do is play defense until the spell breaks.

I have traveled this path so often it has become a freeway.

This path is filled with pain and suffering.
.
.

5 Aug

PTSD: Hyper-vigilance and fear

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/thedigitalartist-202249/


.
Triggered the other day, I became more hyper-vigilant for a couple of days.

I am acutely aware, super sensitive to external stimuli while feeling extremely vulnerable.

This is PTSDs mechanism of influence and control.

Everything is heightened as my body recoils, bracing for my fight or flight to fire.

Perceived dangers have multiplied, thinking is compromised, and my nervous system is on high alert.

No physical danger exists, it is all perceived emotional damage I fear.

It feels real, my body’s physical mechanisms for protection are near tilt.

Feels like I am going into battle or my PTSD symptoms have exploded.

I would avoid and isolate however I have outings planned with my grandkids.

Sometimes I can block out most of the world, and feel like I am wearing a protective shield around me, impenetrable and safe.

My mind wants to focus on past triggers, feelings of danger, and vulnerability.

Thoughts of what if and worst-case scenarios fly by my consciousness.

Thoughts interrupt my serenity, perceived fear wants control.

How will I handle today?

It is emotionally draining as the fear seems real.
.
.

4 Aug

PTSD: Not Knowing

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/%EA%B0%95%EC%B6%98%EC%84%B1-15738132/


.
From The Deep Heart:

“Not knowing refers not only to our inability to know what will happen; it also means that we cannot know our true nature solely by thinking about it.

Who we really are is not something we can define or confine with thought.

Who we really are is quite literally inconceivable and unimaginable.

Our true nature is not an object — it exists prior to the mind.

We can say what our true nature is not, at least initially, but we cannot definitively state what it is.

Yet we can know it directly by consciously being it.

When the mind clearly recognizes that it is not going to understand what is prior to it, a spontaneous letting go occurs, and attention quite naturally rests in the heart.
.
.

3 Aug

PTSD: Desire versus Risk

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/


.
PTSD: The Equation that decides how we live, is desire versus risk.

If my desires lead to me being triggered, I start avoiding this danger.

Another equation is pain versus pleasure, which finds us avoiding for safety.

Many PTSD symptoms are risk aversive, avoidance leading the way.

Survival mode is how PTSD rolls.

In this mode, risks seem enormous, our perception is consumed by the danger.

Our fight or flight mechanism strongly reinforces this belief as real.

Physical mechanisms are changing and firing.

Strong chemicals are secreted to face a lethal threat.

Desires wane when complex PTSD is active.

How do we ever enjoy life, people, or feel safe?
.
.

1 Aug

PTSD: Blatant facts:

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@steve_j


.
Blatant facts: PTSD thoughts hide at an extremely shallow depth.

Piercing the surface is child’s play for them.

What a visual!!!!!!!

In my daily world, these thoughts haunt me, I want answers, accountability, responsibility, and justice.

None of that shit is ever going to happen.

There are few answers, and thousands of questions, we will never know or understand.

My PTSD self is elusive, he benignly senses danger.

It is hard to know what is real, and what is perceived, especially when you agitate my PTSD emotions or triggers.

I have reacted to perceived triggers over and over and over with no solution in sight.

Triggers can be unplugged, calmed, or handled, but not eliminated or controlled.

They happen outside our control, external and internal forces collide.

This has been a violent, drama-filled life.

Fear of failure should be on my gravestone.

That is hard to write.

.

.

31 Jul

Feeling at peace: what does that feel like?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/sorbyphoto-725076/


.
I search for that peaceful feeling in the morning when the mind looks to peruse the day.

Being at peace means, feeling safe, relaxed, confident, looking forward to the day with unlimited opportunities.

Instead, my mind searches the day for danger, abstract danger, PTSD danger, perceived danger, then tries to navigate around any awkward situation.

It happens on its own, a habit practiced since childhood, it has deep roots.

I fear loss, humiliation, and failure above all else.

Our minds grapple with judgment, a never-ending stream of thoughts bombards us, and PTSD dominates our consciousness.

I deal with my PTSD symptoms no matter what I do.

At my worst I went agoraphobic for 6 months, hiding in my dark garage unable to muster the courage to go out.

My mind followed me into that dark garage, triggers fired despite my solitude.

Now, if I need to socialize or go to an event, I can navigate and participate.

It is not pleasant, it is filled with anxiety and awkwardness.

It’s like a soldier hearing a car backfire.

He takes cover spontaneously without thought, a perceived imminent threat has been heard.

He has been transported back to the battlefield.

That’s PTSD.
.
.

« Older Entries
%d bloggers like this: