Posts Tagged ‘Thoughts’

4 Aug

Childhood ptsd is hard on Relationships

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/analogicus-8164369/

.

.

Relationships will always be difficult for abused kids. The experts tell us so.

PTSD was dormant until my late 50’s. The core trauma was alive in my subconscious, impacting my nervous system and behavior.

A family crisis released my childhood trauma, it exploded into consciousness. I would have trouble from that day being able to have friends.

I was not available, did not want to go out and be part of a friendship or group.

We cannot cultivate when our PTSD is at gale force.

Being agoraphobic limited my life and changed my marriage. Having triggers explode, paralyzed me, numbed me, and sharing the experience scared my partner even more.

My relationships were strained from mood swings, episodes of triggers isolated me while fear and anxiety changed my personality.

Finally, I see it was next to impossible to be a close friend.

This is more wreckage childhood PTSD has caused or I have caused. I guess they are the same person.

Life has always seemed out of control, I was always trying to catch up but an invisible demon-haunted me.

My life has been filled with turmoil, escaping PTSD symptoms has not gone well.

I struggle with relationships because I struggle mightily for any well-being.

Some of my past is a mess and I have responsibility for that mess.

.

.

31 Jul

Psychiatric Medication Management

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Do not pray for an easy life. Have we not all wished for a different childhood?

.

From Benson Health Clinic

“Medication Management is a behavioral health service that we offer, in which our nurse practitioners will diagnose, prescribe and manage a medication plan that fits your health care needs.

When is psychiatric medication helpful?

Psychiatric medication can help decrease or eliminate symptoms caused by behavioral health conditions such as anxiety, depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, Ptsd, and bipolar disorder. While some conditions require medication to help with chemical imbalances in the brain, psychiatric medications are not necessary for everyone with behavioral health concerns.”

.

This is from the clinic I have an appointment in a couple of weeks.

https://bensonhealthclinic.com/behavioral-health-services-eugene/psychiatric-medication-management/

The intake form has an Adverse Childhood Experience questionnaire with complete history. Almost scary to see my symptoms in writing. I recommend filling the forms out for yourself. It is much different to see on paper what floats in our heads.

.

.

My two cents: This is a glaring void on my healing journey.

The tools of diagnosing a specific medication have arrived.

I know many people who have said they have been in therapy 15, 17, 20 years without ever questioning the meds.

Few therapists will ever recommend this avenue of healing.

Healing contains both meds and therapy, like body and mind go together.

Check out the website and see if a Practioner is near you.

My healing journey has been way out of balance, all therapy and intense work on my own.

We have to be aware, adapt, and change course many times, we get lost and stuck.

.

.

30 Jul

Control: another side most do not see

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/281543713750855/

.

.

Someone in the Kundalini meditation group commented, that my childhood abuse and betrayal in college, was out of my control.

He thought that was key to absolving me and thus breakthrough healing.

I guess that’s what it looks like from afar.

Actually, having no control over being abused in childhood then betrayed in college, brought doubt, worry, and fear.

I was not even there when my girlfriend had sex with 15 guys, but I damn sure was publicly humiliated.

I controlled the risk of ever being betrayed in a relationship again, I never trusted my future mates. My first venture into love would be my last, I did not even realize you could be destroyed by a mate’s actions.

I guess, abused kids are addicted to control, trying to limit risk and avoid betrayal at all costs.

We sabotage our own lives, make decisions based upon fear, I am guilty. Betrayal thoughts brought intense bodily reactions, strong emotions of anger and hate.

Control has damaged my life, I can not figure out if too little or too much was the cause?

I am always on guard for the unknown betrayal or attack. Feeling safe has never existed for me, I was in danger around my dad, everyday.

Normal people think they have a certain amount of control in their lives, that delusion lives a lifetime for them.

We have no control.

Remember that tsunami in Japan, where a small village on the coast was wiped out, two in the morning, residents asleep in bed, thinking they were in control, safe.

Childhood abuse exists in my earliest memories, I controlled nothing, I was innocent, a kid, he even tried to steal my thoughts.

Billionaires can get cancer, have a mental illness, lose family and suffer just like us, no control, they just have more influence and protection.

.

.

29 Jul

Escaping trauma: Is it possible ?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/2744449763904914/

.

.

Lately, intrusive thoughts have bombarded my consciousness, strong negative feelings add to the awkwardness of enduring this onslaught.

At some point, I try to escape, looking for help, looking for any skill that can curb the pain.

I want to scream for help!

At all costs refrain from sharing Ptsd with friends, hide as much as possible, act as normal as possible.

Smile and act like everything is peachy, squash triggers, and act strong, deny you have PTSD.

They will never understand, they will insult your suffering in the end. Normal people need to believe everything can be fixed, repaired like new in their world.

Rain on that parade and they will attack you.

My blog is the one safe place I can share my experience.

Yesterday, I sat in the middle of my trauma, not moving, not trying to avoid or fix it.

I have tried everything else.

Maybe it will get tired and collapse.

My willpower against traumas.

Who knows the winner of this, not me?

.

.

28 Jul

Simon Biles: Is this a Ptsd teaching moment

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/350436414736916943/

.

Let’s look at how amateur athletes are treated, then female athletes, finally sexually abused athletes.

We better hide our symptoms and have courage and perform like nothing is wrong.

Remember, Larry Nassar, the United States gymnasts physician who molested hundreds of our top female athletes.

Simon Bikes was his most famous victim, lest our great men sports writers forget.

Look at how they eviscerate her. She was triggered, we understand triggers can happen at anyt time. Especially under high stress and fear.

Three articles: Piers Morgan suggests Simon Biles is “pathetic, gutless, cowardly” for quitting.

.https://www.rawstory.com/piers-morgan-simone-biles/

https://spectatorworld.com/life/simone-biles-tokyo-olympics-gymnastics-quit-mental-health/

https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2021/07/27/jason_whitlock_simone_biles_is_a_coward_i_dont_like_the_lack_of_expectations_for_greatness.html

She said it feels like the weight of the world is on her.

She stepped down to take care of her mental health.

She was triggered going back into her trauma environment and high pressure.

.

.

Do you think other girls will want to compete?

.

.

Did she do the correct thing for her well-being?

.

.

28 Jul

Childhood abuse is much more than beatings and criticism.

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/386394843007801323/

.

I was programmed intentionally by my dad, he wanted his desires to be my desires, it was life and death, he beat me to make sure I understood.

He enjoyed beating me, making me afraid of him, he got a release out of it. Why would you beat me once a week for puking lima beans throughout childhood?

The pressure to perform held all my self-worth, he pounded that into me.

Some things could be worse than death in his eyes.

He demanded I be twice as good as everyone else, all my self-worth he granted me was connected to performance. I did not generate much self-worth on my own in this abusive atmosphere.

No wonder I was good, fear is a great motivator.

I did not understand I was a separate being, autonomous with my desires.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/12525705203642314/

My dad did everything to kill my self, he wanted total ownership. That’s hard to comprehend for most people.

When you look at this from the lens of a narcissist, it makes sense.

His empathy centers are not working, the only thing he sees is the benefit he has wanted since I was born.

My dad failed, got his girl pregnant at 16, dropped out of high school, then resented the shit out of me for complicating his teenage years.

Having sex does not make you a parent.

.

.

27 Jul

Coping skills faltering

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

.

.

This is how I cope, distract my trauma from ruminating.

I watch tv and play solitaire at the same time, trying to distract my mind away from my trauma.

My mind and the thoughts generated are the enemies.

When activated like this, emotional and physical dangers feel imminent.

It’s all abstract and irrational but feels real and immediate.

Depression is such a different animal than Ptsd.

Ptsd has energy, anxiety, fear, momentum; depression sucks the life out of you.

I am a ping pong ball, volleyed back and forth between depression and panic.

Looking back at 70, violence, emotional and physical, has always been part of my life.

My dad drilled into me failure was worse than death.

He had his heart set on me making him famous, my safety meant nothing to him, failure to perform was worse than death.

I never attempted to unplug this trait, it was accepted as part of who I was.

Childhood abuse is much more than beatings and criticism.

.

.

25 Jul

What is the Purpose of Life?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

pixabay Comfreak

.

.

What is the purpose of life?

First, abused kids purpose will be drastically different than a normal kids.

We are separated at birth, an abused kids life will have more early death, cancer, addiction, pain, suffering, and mental illness.

It’s like as kids we were on different planets, one supportive and one abusive, damaging.

I have never had a purpose of my own, my dad and mom told me who I was and what I would be, a pro baseball player.

That ended at 27, I have been wandering ever since.

I have friends who are happy to lucky, life is an adventure, and their purpose is evident for them.

They live a life I am not familiar with.

Purpose has a hard time living in a container of trauma, fear, and anxiety.

Purpose becomes trying to survive, trying to diminish pain, trying to be normal.

Living is painful, I suffer enough that life feels worthless.

.

.

25 Jul

Obsessed: a sports analogy

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

.

https://pixabay.com/users/cherylholt-209609/

.

From “Obsessed: The Compulsions and Creations of Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz by Steve Volk

“The catcher (your brain), gives signals to the pitcher (your consciousness).

Just as the pitcher can shake off a signal and ask the catcher for another option, our conscious mind can shake off impulses from the brain.

Some of these impulses, like quick motor reflexes, get processed and acted upon automatically.

When I see a car drifting over into my lane, I register no choice to honk the horn and move to the shoulder of the highway; I begin the actions involved before I even have full, conscious awareness of the danger.

But when I receive an impulse to eat a peach, I can shake that off—I’d rather have an apple—like the pitcher telling his catcher “no” and receiving another suggestion.

“The fact is, we behave automatically all the time,” says Schwartz.

“We behave without thinking.

The brain is constantly sending us messages and thoughts and possible actions, and we can’t control what thoughts our brain is going to bring up into our awareness.

But once a thought has risen to conscious awareness, then we can step up and choose where we will focus our attention.

And the behavior we focus on is the behavior we’ll perform.”
.
.

24 Jul

My Bucket list

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/rotatingmass-333872/

.

.

Intrusive thoughts are the ptsd symptom that dominates my life now.

Each day arrives with thoughts of trepidation and fear.

My main goal is security at all costs. What others think is worth a risk, holds no desire for me.

I am not afraid of my intrusive thoughts, they are my mind’s daily ritual.

Without input from me, my mind generates intrusive thoughts like an automatic weapon firing.

They do not trigger my nervous system, they ignite depression and unworthiness.

I am terrified of sharing the darkest ones with anyone.

I hide my thoughts and the way I live to survive.

It is embarrassing.

If you told me I have a month to live, I am not going to travel to some exotic place or change anything.

My bucket list holds only one item.

I have zero desire to travel or congregate with others. Give me the ability to trust and enjoy a few things.

Being healed.

.

.

« Older Entries
%d bloggers like this: