8 Sep
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My PTSD has exploded.
Somehow my body stays full of anxiety without any strong jolts from my fight or flight exploding.
My solar plexus and gut stay tense and agitated.
My mind is bombarded by negative traumatic thoughts.
PTSD dominates thought and emotion, I try to unplug this mechanism.
I fight to stay present.
My body feels paralyzed with abstract fear.
I fight to calm my anxiety, physically by hiking strenuously uphill and spiritually through meditation.
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31 Aug
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My body feels paralyzed from the level of anxiety and unrest in my solar plexus and gut regions.
At this intensity, my mind races, and it is hard to think level-headed.
It is almost overwhelming.
Funny, how we always try to escape intense anxiety.
I find myself pacing, trying to distance myself from anxiety.
Being on edge has always been close to me.
As a kid, my anxiety was so intense I would freeze up, finding it hard to speak.
My dad brutalized me, it made me an anxious mess, and I felt helpless to protect myself.
All this followed me into adulthood.
Hard for joy or happiness to exist inside intense anxiety and fear.
I fight for my security and sanity, happiness seems a pipe dream.
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16 Aug
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Early morning darkness has a profound silence, a haunting time to peruse the events of the coming day.
I lay in bed perfectly still, my mind always churning, searching for answers, for solutions.
Listening intently, PTSDs sirens break this stillness.
Questions pierce my consciousness, and judgments follow soon afterward.
Where has desire gone?
Since PTSD exploded a decade ago, I avoided from day one.
Desires dwindle when we avoid.
PTSD changes desires slowly as we avoid people and situations over time.
It’s like a teeter-totter, more desire less avoidance, or more avoidance less desire.
At its core is a lack of trust.
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1 Aug
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Blatant facts: PTSD thoughts hide at an extremely shallow depth.
Piercing the surface is child’s play for them.
What a visual!!!!!!!
In my daily world, these thoughts haunt me, I want answers, accountability, responsibility, and justice.
None of that shit is ever going to happen.
There are few answers, and thousands of questions, we will never know or understand.
My PTSD self is elusive, he benignly senses danger.
It is hard to know what is real, and what is perceived, especially when you agitate my PTSD emotions or triggers.
I have reacted to perceived triggers over and over and over with no solution in sight.
Triggers can be unplugged, calmed, or handled, but not eliminated or controlled.
They happen outside our control, external and internal forces collide.
This has been a violent, drama-filled life.
Fear of failure should be on my gravestone.
That is hard to write.
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28 Jul
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PTSD has grown, maturing through the years.
Early on the challenge was my fight or flight mechanism firing, then the intrusive thoughts bombarded my being, followed by depression, and finally anger and resentment.
Anxiety, fear, and worry are always present.
PTSD at its core is subconscious fear.
We fear this abstract, perceived danger may happen again.
This fear emanates from deep inside, for abused kids, it has always been present.
PTSD will become a battle inside our heads, between our ears for life.
A subconscious, shadow world of trauma and suffering exists below the surface.
I live a large part of my life dealing with these PTSD thoughts and emotions.
It has been a harsh life.
I survive.
I survive with little trust and few attachments.
PTSD has been hard on desire, danger kills desire, and safety becomes precious as gold.
We isolate ourselves for protection and survival in our minds.
If we felt safe we would attach much more, mingle effortlessly, and be like normal people.
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1 Jul
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Depression is our lonely villain, he/she takes over after the ravages of PTSD’s consequences.
I think PTSD proceeds into depression as we age.
If we have PTSD, we will be depressed, guaranteed.
PTSD is lifestyle threatening, we avoid, deny, isolate and become hypervigilant, reclusive, and afraid.
After the therapies, after all the reading, applying, navigating, intuitives, meditation, exposure therapy, cognitive therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, etc. Etc. Etc., life sucks.
More therapy is a repetition, sort of diminishing returns for me.
Like many vets who survived the war without trauma, later life is a different story.
That once stoic facade melts away when PTSD explodes.
Life changes overnight for these poor souls.
I had no idea PTSD was alive inside me until a crisis later in life exploded into my consciousness.
Older and weakened this onslaught had drastic consequences.
I have experienced PTSD EXPLODING from a crisis, then year’s later a hidden trauma, a betrayal deeply buried changed my life forever.
There are so many hidden traumatic memories, cloudy experiences from the past, and a sort of haunting beneath the surface.
Even if I win these battles, happiness, and peace of mind are complete strangers.
A crisis does not cultivate happiness or trust.
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29 Jun
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Is PTSD real? Is PTSD fear real?
The firing of our defense mechanism along with the chemicals cortisol and adrenaline being secreted is real, and powerful.
How about our trauma, and intrusive thoughts, are they real?
They were real at one time and now exist as implicit memory. Are implicit memories dangerous?
We get triggered when our implicit memories surface, so yes we fear them, we try to avoid them.
Think back to when a trigger fired violently, how real was the fear?
Seems like a flawed defense mechanism that leads to avoidance, hypervigilance, and suffering.
The more vulnerable we feel, the stronger our PTSD symptoms become.
No one else can feel or see what lies inside us.
A frightening trigger is a mundane event for a normal person.
What I may sense as life-threatening, holds no danger for the masses.
A strange mental illness, childhood abuse.
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11 Jun
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Yesterday was a tough day.
PTSD feels like distress, time is distorted, and nerves are frayed.
It is not geographical, we can not run from it, it is attached to us.
PTSD overrides all other cognitive functions, life stops, it is called survival mode.
The war is inside my head.
This war occupies enormous amounts of time, the chance to be happy never gets enough time or energy.
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2 Jun
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Abused kids struggle in adult life with relationships.
We bring drama, mood swings, anxiety, lack of trust, and PTSD with us.
If we are married it takes a special mate to navigate our PTSD symptoms.
We can not act normally when triggers explode or PTSD activates with emotional intrusive thoughts.
When we isolate or avoid, how do we explain this to our mate?
We struggle with relationship responsibilities.
Before my PTSD exploded, I was married.
Afterward I was a completely different person, life narrowed for me.
In due time, the marriage collapsed. Looking back, it was mainly my fault.
A triple rollover, followed by spinal fusions, and nerve killings delivered chronic pain to my PTSD.
Hard to have a relationship when you go agoraphobic.
Inside the 15-person chronic pain group, all but one of us lost our mate.
The men left the women immediately, followed by the wives and girlfriends who stuck it out a little longer.
I subconsciously picked the female version of my abusive father for a wife.
We are attracted to familiarity without being aware of it.
PTSD is generational in my family, my dad, my first wife and the father of my grandkids all share strong narcissistic traits.
My life before PTSD exploded was different.
I can not envision that guy in my head anymore.
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14 May
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Yesterday during a conversation, a friend told me they choose to be happy.
I think I need to choose to be healed first. Which is easiest, to be healed or be happy?
That hit a nerve, I knew the implication was aimed at me, my PTSD.
Is our problem with PTSD the inability to choose happiness?
I can say the words, my PTSD pays no attention.
My symptoms come from a place where words can not reach.
How can PTSD sufferers ignore their PTSD then choose to be happy?
How do you accomplish this?
This means symptoms disappear, anxiety, unworthiness, fight or flight firing, depression, hypervigilance, and intrusive thoughts.
I know words do not heal PTSD.
From my vantage point, PTSD has to recede to a level few of us reach to be happy.
I would settle for being out of suffering.
Me, not healing, angers some of my friends.
They need easy solutions to all life problems.
I frustrate them.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 