Early on the challenge was my fight or flight mechanism firing, then the intrusive thoughts bombarded my being, followed by depression, and finally anger and resentment.
Anxiety, fear, and worry are always present.
PTSD at its core is subconscious fear.
We fear this abstract, perceived danger may happen again.
This fear emanates from deep inside, for abused kids, it has always been present.
PTSD will become a battle inside our heads, between our ears for life.
A subconscious, shadow world of trauma and suffering exists below the surface.
I live a large part of my life dealing with these PTSD thoughts and emotions.
It has been a harsh life.
I survive.
I survive with little trust and few attachments.
PTSD has been hard on desire, danger kills desire, and safety becomes precious as gold.
We isolate ourselves for protection and survival in our minds.
If we felt safe we would attach much more, mingle effortlessly, and be like normal people. . .
. Depression is our lonely villain, he/she takes over after the ravages of PTSD’s consequences.
I think PTSD proceeds into depression as we age.
If we have PTSD, we will be depressed, guaranteed.
PTSD is lifestyle threatening, we avoid, deny, isolate and become hypervigilant, reclusive, and afraid.
After the therapies, after all the reading, applying, navigating, intuitives, meditation, exposure therapy, cognitive therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, etc. Etc. Etc., life sucks.
More therapy is a repetition, sort of diminishing returns for me.
Like many vets who survived the war without trauma, later life is a different story.
That once stoic facade melts away when PTSD explodes.
Life changes overnight for these poor souls.
I had no idea PTSD was alive inside me until a crisis later in life exploded into my consciousness.
Older and weakened this onslaught had drastic consequences.
I have experienced PTSD EXPLODING from a crisis, then year’s later a hidden trauma, a betrayal deeply buried changed my life forever.
There are so many hidden traumatic memories, cloudy experiences from the past, and a sort of haunting beneath the surface.
Even if I win these battles, happiness, and peace of mind are complete strangers.
A crisis does not cultivate happiness or trust. . .