Posts Tagged ‘Thought’

28 Mar

Our mind does not work the same when PTSD is active.

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://themighty.com/u/mrpositive/

I was force fed Lima beans once a week, I puked them, then got beat with a big paddle he drilled holes in to hurt me more.

Never have touched a Lima bean since childhood.

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Our mind does not work the same when PTSD is active.

Anxiety and fear switch the minds mode of operation.

A calm, safe environment has our mind relaxed, open and maybe looking for opportunity, we can think quickly and clearly.

A PTSD mind can spot imminent danger in a second, activating our defense mechanism.

A PTSD sufferer has practiced over and over his/her reaction to trauma, paved a highway to survival mode, becoming best friends with avoidance.

Our mind becomes confused, pressured by anxiety drugs as fear spikes, trying to escape at all costs.

Our mind panics, cognitive functions almost stop, fine motor skills are gone, tunnel vision ensues.

Severe cases mimic near death experiences.

PTSD fear is the worst fear we can imagine, it has the ability to fire our fight or flight mechanism 15 times a day.

The drugs are real, the PTSD is abstract and subjective to us and lives only inside our mind.

The drugs stopped secreting the first time I healed.

Now instead of my fight or flight exploding, my mood changes, spotted and pointed out by those close to me.

My abuse, now at 69, still impacts my daily existence.

It is humbling, frustrating and full of guilt when my PTSD upsets those closest to me.

Hard to not hold anger at our abusers.

There is no wand or pill or quick solution for violent childhood abuse.

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22 Mar

Navigating life with PTSD active

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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My PTSD has come alive again with a repressed memory. How do I navigate life until this new trauma is integrated?

For most of us, PTSD either survives our healing efforts or there is much more trauma below the surface.

How do we live life until we heal? How do we respond to our trauma, do we avoid going near anything that feels dangerous?

I sure did for a long time. PTSD got much worse avoiding.

At my worst, agoraphobic for six months, I started a weekly exposure therapy. I would pick one day a week and go out and face my triggers.

The emotionally tainted fear was palpable, my resistance acute, it felt extremely dangerous. Part of PTSD’s irrational nature, it is an invisible battle inside our body and mind.

What is real and what is trauma? I do not have an answer for that, I am way to close.

Looking back, it took enormous courage to face mundane, neutral situations other people take for granted.

Where others see opportunity for attachment, we see danger.

How do we act like normal people who feel no danger, no anxiety? I have never pulled it off when my PTSD was active.

Even if I had the courage to practice exposure therapy, I was a mess, anxious and guarded the whole time.

My mind could hardly think, it was scouting for imminent danger instead, confused and nervous.

A few minutes felt like an hour, I was heading right at my trauma fears, the opposite of avoidance.

All of this is invisible to everyone around us. It is a lonely journey until we improve.

Afterward, I was euphoric, in the face of PTSD fear, I had triumphed. A small victory, but a vital one.

For me and for you, we must find the courage to face our trauma fears or we will suffer.

I focus on improving, healing is to large a concept for us.

Work to improve a little each day, healing is so much bigger an animal. Keep it simple.

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8 Mar

The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo: Breathing

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/openclipart-vectors-30363/

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“Breathing is the fundamental unit of risk, the atom of inner courage that leads us into authentic living. 

With each breath, we practice opening, taking in, and releasing. 

Literally, the teacher is under our nose. 

When anxious, we simply have to remember to breathe. 

So often we make a commitment to change our ways, but stall in the face of old reflexes as new situations arise. 

When gripped by fear or anxiety, the reflex is to hold on, speed up, or remove oneself. 

Yet when we feel the reflex to hold on, that is usually the moment we need to let go. 

When we feel the urgency to speed up, that is typically the instant we need to slow down. 

Often when we feel the impulse to flee, it is the opportunity to face ourselves. 

Taking a deep meditative breath, precisely at this moment, can often break the momentum of anxiety and put our psyche in neutral.”

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My two cents: how simple and eloquent can you describe life.

We get lost in the complexities of people and life.

Remember, we are the center of our happiness.

Focused breathing has helped me get better. I depend on its power and soothing properties.

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27 Feb

PTSD: what’s it feel like inside?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: ninita_7
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I have learned to watch my mind and body. 

At times I can take a step back, be observer, kind of narrating what my being is doing.

It feels like a big fight has happened this week inside my head and heart.

Like always, the details are cloudy, confusing and abstract.

Exactly how our trauma was stored.

My read is accurate, childhood abuse haunts us like a ghost.

I have watched my mind try to convince me unworthiness lives at my core.

A humiliating event is the storyline trauma runs on the projector.

My complex PTSD thinks my soul is stained, damaged, faulty.

Being able to take a step back, gives me a chance to know it,then attack it in due time.

This is a battle people, PTSD wins at times.

That thought of feeling sorry for myself broke my consciousness.

I know life is not fair and others have it harder than me.

We regroup, retool and attack it.

If I have to suffer, I will suffer trying to heal.

It is not easy at times like this.
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26 Feb

Childhood abuse: Formation of our Ego

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Dr. Anne Brown

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Our Ego should be carefully created like a resume. A lively rejoice of our great qualities.

Wow, I wish with all my heart.

Resumes do not have any negative words, admission of loss or highlighted weaknesses.

Abused kids create an Ego that is flawed, it has elements of unworthiness, as it creates not only a damaged Ego but a dangerous world.

Our created Ego has never known a time without abuse, he/she never has experienced what normal people think or feel.

Attachments are dysfunctional and abusive in our childhoods.

My low was not thinking I had a right to be alive. True story.

It is insidious as a disease the way it impacts our mind and heart.

I have worked many hours recreating a normal Ego, but stress or crisis brings PTSD and the old Ego thrives.

Our self image was distorted by abuse and criticism, we never felt good enough, this feeling seems to be there from birth for us.

It is haunting not to have a memory where we felt ok, normal, deserving.

Creating a new Ego, working feverishly to heal, has only garnered short periods of freedom from my abused Ego.

He feels so hard wired, I have no remembrance of feeling ok, ever.

How are we supposed to feel? What do kids not abused feel like?

My abuse plays everyday, on its own, it brings not good enough trauma, it brings shame.

Every day I try to distract my mind, try to let the shame go, try to stay present.

I am exhausted and worn down from the constant onslaught of intrusive thoughts.

My mind is attacking my sanity.

It does not care that it harms the host.

That is childhood abuse matured into adult Complex PTSD.

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25 Feb

You, but better: Scientists designing method to remove fear, boost confidence via brain stimulation by John Anderer

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Pinterest: Zachary Phillips

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Feb 24, 2021

SEIKA, Japan — If modern science conceived of a way to “pluck” unwanted fears, thoughts, and preferences from your mind, is that that something you would be interested in? It sounds impossible, but a new study on non-conscious brain stimulation may just make it a reality.

Via a combination of artificial intelligence and brain scanning technology, scientists in Japan say they’ve discovered avenues to remove specific fears, boost confidence, and even alter individual preferences.

They believe that in the future these techniques may lead to new treatments for patients dealing with issues like PTSD or generalized anxiety disorder.

All of this is incredibly promising, but researchers admit they haven’t perfected their approach just yet. While the treatment they developed has proven effective with many, some individuals haven’t seen the same benefits.

Crowdsourcing research on the brain?

Continue reading →

23 Feb

When PTSD is percolating: What’s it like?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

reddit

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What is a day like when PTSD is active, alive and percolating.

In as little as five seconds it has grasped our consciousness with an old, traumatic, intrusive thought.

My head drops, the strong emotions churn my stomach, somehow they are alive and intense.

Some days this happens multiple times each hour, others days it can run constantly without any input from me.

No way to unring that trauma 🛎 bell.

Best I can do is limit its duration.

When active these thoughts, fear and humiliation haunt my consciousness.

My damn mind, in an insidious way, is enthralled with my worst trauma.

I beat it back, let it go, focus and meditate but he is always right under the surface.

Maybe in due time, I will Succeed but for now life has suffering.

I have come to the point where I accept my suffering.

Running from it or denying it exists, brings more grief.

Accepting my suffering, let’s me not give up. I do not not have to run, get upset or react.

Or make it any bigger.

Each day I meditate with all my intensity, taking physical actions to heal.

That is the utmost of importance.

We do not control results.

We control effort and attitude. That’s it.

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22 Feb

PTSD: Misconceptions of normal people are GLARING!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.atrapamente.com/en/guides/post/understand-PTSD/

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Trauma is stored in fragmented, biased snippets during a perceived lethal threat..

Talking to it, reasoning with it or trying to influence it cognitively (consciously) is impossible.

Intrusive thoughts and PTSD have their own engine, their own leadership, their own schedule.

PTSD triggers and plays when it wants.

We do not control anything but our reaction.

We can resist and let thoughts go, but if you have experienced severe PTSD you know the storyline never stops sometimes.

Normal people think with their normal rational minds how easy it is to heal. Just stop thinking about it.

How nice, how clueless, how damaging.

PTSD is irrational and gets worse with their idea of control.

I been judged, laughed at and humiliated because of my PTSD.

Navigating regular life and people without PTSD is an issue that never goes away.

We do not fit in, we have periods where we are much different, much more guarded, much more concerned about our safety.

Even people who are friends, who have seen you suffer will tell you to get over it after a while.

It wears them out watching us suffer, then they get frustrated and lash out.

It just happened to me again. I cut contact and isolate, it hurts.

Trust is already hard, this makes it worse.

Normal people have no idea what it is like to hide away as an adult in your room for days, emotionally destroyed from the monster hiding inside our head.

Our minds play terror events at a rapid pace, cortisol and adrenaline flow, numbing drugs and coagulants are secreted for battle.

It is an invisible war, inside an invisible prison (PTSD).

How could we as infants escape our life sentence?

Instead of criticizing PTSD people, they should give ultimate gratitude they did not have to live our childhoods.

Peer pressure causes us to retreat, we start losing trust in people who can not understand us.

Every symptom and consequence of Childhood abuse has driven me towards isolation.

How about you?

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https://www.atrapamente.com/en/guides/post/understand-PTSD/

21 Feb

PTSD has exploded with old age, retirement

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

A rare peak behind the curtain the real me.

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Work and play always kept that demon inside, chasing me at bay.

With retirement and large swaths of time to think, I finally see my life, the big picture.

I am devastated.

Like many, we did not have a chance as little kids.

My childhood abuse followed me into college, where betrayal broke that abused little boys back.

It was stored as the most horrific thing that ever happened to me. I can not change how this was stored, the intensity or the harm or the event itself. Oh I have tried.

I never realized, I should never have entered a relationship with a partner, ever. I did not know the risk, the damage for life that would happen.

Childhood abuse left me damaged and incapable of ever handling betrayal, let alone public ridicule. My father so isolated me, I never confided in a soul.

I did not have anyone I trusted, anyone I would ever share humiliation, shame, loss or weakness with.

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I lived life inside my head, alone, since childhood. I was extremely vulnerable and had no clue.

I have paid a heavy price for loving someone. I never trusted a mate again. It was not conscious or cognitive, everytime a girlfriend or wife would go out alone, my bags were packed.

I did not understand why my gut would churn, my nervous system would go to tilt or why I suffered. This always caused conflict and suffering for me.

It was impossible for me to attach in a healthy way. But it felt like failure to be single.

I found it impossible to be close or trust any partner after college. I gave what was available, much of me had shut down without me knowing it.

PTSD was alive but I never knew it.

My cognitive rationalizations now, common sense, can not reach this nightmare. We can not cognitively reach ptsd or change it by talking to it, like many think.

It plays in a venue that thinks its worse than death. Somehow I need to proces this, integrate this, not try to change it.

Hard for an old guy to handle this level of anxiety, humiliation and outright fear, now.

How in the world do you fix this?

I have done the work, journeyed for a decade on the road less traveled and this is what remains.

PTSD does not care, we can suffer till we die.

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5 Feb

Friends tell me, i am to hard on myself.

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

tsemrinpoche.com : My Favourite Cartoons by Gary Larson

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Be easy on yourself, is the refrain that I hear.

My childhood was dominated by a violent narcissist, perfection was demanded, criticism is all he knew.

There were no compliments, encouragements or second chances, I knew I was not good enough, he told me everyday in my youth.

It was like that narcissist could not resist brutalizing that little boy without mercy, without blame.

I never heard my dad apologize to anyone for anything, ever.

What is there but being hard on yourself? I have no experience with anything else.

Conditioned love is abusive for a child. My self worth was determined by performance, no intrinsic value did my father ever recognize inside me.

I was a thing to make him look good to his buddies.

Pro baseball was a meat market, you were only as valuable as your next at bat. Another performance equals value world.

I do not think at 69, feeling great self worth and trust are part of my path.

Will I be disappointed if self worth and trust never materialize, Hell no.

I do not know what I am missing, I never experienced unconditional love and support as a child. Or adult.

Happiness will look different to me.

After 15 intense years of healing practice, this is my reality.

Just having the nightmares, intrusive thoughts and suffering slow down would be a piece of happiness for me right now.

Living with Complex PTSD is something few understand the torturous life, we lead.

My friends, none of them can fathom my thoughts and my daily challenges.

This is a lonely journey.

You have to need very little to survive. I have learned to live inside my room when Trauma takes over without loss.

This quarantine has not impacted me in the slightest, I need very few people around me.

I learned this in childhood, my dad limited friendships, destroyed the ones that threatened his control.

I am the experiment of a violent, alcoholic, narcissist father.

My brain wired without attachment, support or any kindness.

It is my saving grace, I do not miss people, it helps my PTSD symptoms.

A late thought: I can meditate intently and make all this disappear for a while.

Trauma does not always win.

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