Posts Tagged ‘Thought’

14 May

How can PTSD sufferers ignore their PTSD then choose to be happy?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

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Yesterday during a conversation, a friend told me they choose to be happy.

I think I need to choose to be healed first. Which is easiest, to be healed or be happy?

That hit a nerve, I knew the implication was aimed at me, my PTSD.

Is our problem with PTSD the inability to choose happiness?

I can say the words, my PTSD pays no attention.

My symptoms come from a place where words can not reach.

How can PTSD sufferers ignore their PTSD then choose to be happy?

How do you accomplish this?

This means symptoms disappear, anxiety, unworthiness, fight or flight firing, depression, hypervigilance, and intrusive thoughts.

I know words do not heal PTSD.

From my vantage point, PTSD has to recede to a level few of us reach to be happy.

I would settle for being out of suffering.

Me, not healing, angers some of my friends.

They need easy solutions to all life problems.

I frustrate them.
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2 May

“Buddhas Brain”: the Self

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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“Thoughts, feelings, images, and so on exist as patterns of information represented by patterns of neural structure and activity.

In the same way, the various aspects of the apparent self—and the intimate and powerful experience of being a self—exist as patterns in the mind and brain.

The question is not whether those patterns exist.

The key questions are: What is their nature? And does that which those patterns seem to stand for—an “I” who is the unified, ongoing owner of experiences and agent of actions—truly exist?

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https://unsplash.com/@boudewijn_huysmans

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Or is self like a unicorn, a mythical being whose representations exist but who is actually.”
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My two cents: Follow any thought, the concept of “I” back to its source and you will find a mirage.

We create “I” from our childhood, what we think of ourselves combined with how the world treats us, then we roll it all together and call it “Marty” or “I”.

“I” is a creation, a magical being we invent for identity.
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4 Apr

Some days are worse than others.

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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Some days are worse than others. Yesterday was one of those days.

Yes, I was tired and sore from coaching baseball, at 70 working long-forgotten muscles has a price, this always adds a vulnerability with my defenses weakened.

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Being tired is not the issue, it is this sense of anguish that hovers nearby.

Yes, it is abstract, nothing solid, that’s how PTSD works inside our minds.

I held such power over my PTSD before covid and my college betrayal exploded.

It is hard for me to ignore these strong emotional torments.

My nervous system does not explode, it feels way off center and agitated.

It is a feeling of imminent danger, a disconnected imminent danger, not real but scary in his special PTSD way.

PTSD has a place established inside our brains, wired since childhood, their power grid so to speak.

It is where trauma memories are stored and released at times.

My dismay at repeat days is palpable.

My PTSD seems to be on steroids these days.

I can not describe this fear accurately or is it danger I feel, the world does not favor some of us.

I fear things will happen to me and my family, things out of my control as life has taught me many times.

Since childhood life has carried so much more danger and worry than normal people.

It has always been with me, I can not remember a time when PTSD danger WAS NOT CLOSE.

Stepping back, yesterday was a disaster, another harmful experience survived.

I see how wasted yesterday was, it interrupts lifes continuity.

Birth was the ultimate lottery we lost.
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20 Mar

How much drama has PTSD caused?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .


How many friends has PTSD cost you?

Besides the drama involved, avoiding and isolating keeps me out of groups or friendships that demand time and effort.

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I will not go out of the house at times, which limits friendships and social interaction.

I can not explain that sentiment to a non traumatized person.

He/she will never understand the power and the fear involved.

It is invisible to them, our demon.

They see weakness of character and a dysfunctional adult instead.

I value safety over having many friendships anyway.

Friends have to accept we are weird at times, have odd behavior, mood changes, and a need to be alone at times.

It is easier not to have new friends than have to explain all of our idiosyncrasies.

I am different, much different than others, my thoughts are negative, dark, and harmful at times, I avoid and isolate to escape people and their potential damage at times also.

In a way, you could say the damage has quelled any ambition to risk for anything these days.

Safety and solitude are better choices for Complex PTSD sufferers.

How do we escape the maze of childhood abuse and betrayal?
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11 Mar

PTSD: A lifetime of thoughts!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .


Psychologist, anxiety treatment specialist, and author, Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D, defines Self Talk and how it works: “It is so automatic and subtle you don’t notice it or the effect it has on your moods and feelings.

It appears in telegraphic form- one short word or image (”Oh no!) contains a whole series of thoughts, memories, or associations.

Anxious self-talk is typically irrational but almost always sounds like the truth.”
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My two cents: Childhood abuse has a devastating impact on self talk and on our thoughts.

Being in constant fear a whole childhood, affects our nervous system while influencing our thoughts.

My thoughts spot danger first, then possible chances of failure coupled with a deep sense of unworthiness.

These thoughts dominate my being from time to time during the day.

Every day, trauma thoughts appear, some days are much worse than others.

These thoughts are automatic, my response has to be
quick, Powerful and focused to shut these demons down.

I fight a daily battle of bringing my mind back to this present moment then letting go.

Some days the battle is constant, worry and fear of failure have been my daily companions.

My mind is active, prone to rumination, leading to damnation.

Oh, a little gallows humor while on this crazy merry-go-round.

No matter the event or scenario, my brain automatically assesses any danger, then worries about failure or humiliation.

I can unplug this disaster at times, but look at the time wasted at 70.

Instead of enjoying happiness or this moment, I am fighting traumas damage.

How automatic are your trauma thoughts?
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1 Mar

Regret, at 70 childhood abuse retains power

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .


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Please share your worst trauma details, what were your darkest thoughts and emotions?

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https://unsplash.com/@matcfelipe

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Were you angry, numb, afraid, fearful, anxious, triggered or confused?

What relationship do you have with regret?

With Failure?

With guilt?

With being perfect?

With needing approval?

With feeling worthless?

with feeling at peace

I have rarely felt at peace, failure or the risk of failure seemed omnipotent.

How about you?
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31 Jan

Looking at life through PTSD colored glasses

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .


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Seriously abused kids experience life differently, fear and abandonment dominate our thoughts. Being relaxed, at ease, mind calm and open is foreign to us.

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I feel something is broken inside my head.

For me, I have never experienced feeling whole, worthy, safe, or my mind not searching for potential danger.

We do not have the core experiences that make healthy attachments.

I can not go back into my childhood and find an open heart or trust in my memory bank.

Trying to open my heart at 70 has been problematic, how do we trust enough to risk, be vulnerable.

Many habits are involuntary, happen without thought or awareness at times.

I do not know how to stop my mind from being on alert, ready to protect me from danger way before any thought crystallizes.

Even if I calm that mechanism down after spotting potential danger, it remains on alert for the next threat.

That kind of sums up life, peace of mind is shallow and brief, danger always seems to be there for us.

I never reach a safe place, successes, money, power offer a temporary refrain but my foundation is built from the quicksand of abuse.

How many seriously abused kids experience a healthy attachment to a mate, feel safe around people, develop a deep trust in others, or have normal thoughts like people who were not abused?

For those who follow this blog, true deep healing for abused kids is rare.

What is your experience?
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9 Jan

I favor Ptsd over Depression

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

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PTSD has energy, cortisol and adrenaline, fear and danger, it’s much more exciting and enjoyable than deep depression.

Depression sucks the life out of you, for abused kids it is devastating.

My legs have stopped moving while hiking from depressive thoughts and emotions.

PTSD, I can engage and battle, calm my fight or flight mechanism while observing my trauma.

Depression, I have no answer for the shame it carries.

It is an awful mental disorder, it drained the little peace of mind my life enjoyed.

Seriously abused kids get crushed by betrayal.

We fear the outside world, when we get betrayed from inside our circle, life collapses.

We will never understand how a mate betrays us, a permanent scar will make trusting another impossible.

It’s such a narrow and risky existence, death does not scare me, being ridiculed or betrayed scares me.

Death before dishonor rings true in my world, my father drilled that into me.

I have experienced a betrayal that bad, publicly shamed for a mate’s actions.

What is your worst betrayal since childhood?

Is depression or PTSD harder for you?
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17 Dec

Ptsd, our emotional pain and shame

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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I handle my chronic pain with a jocks attitude, one person out of my chronic pain group followed me and regained his life.

Childhood abuse is different, betrayal in college altered ever trusting a human again.

I should have left this planet back then, the rest of my life would be filled with suffering.

My suffering is not greater than other abused kids, I am not special.

My childhood abuse and betrayal in college devastated my spirit.

My attitude, I was scared to death, anxious and humiliated, criticism and violence would be my daily companions.

Physical pain did not dent my armor, emotional abuse rocked my very core.

It’s hard to write in words the impact violent abuse has on a child’s brain.

It’s impossible to describe in words what a caregiver’s shaming does to a kid.

I hate what some people have done to me.

I will never understand how or why I was abused so severely.

Now, my life is lived in my room, it is one of the only safe places.

Is complex PTSD isolating?

I do not know, but I have lost the desire for being around people altogether.

You will never find me in a crowd or rarely out in public.

My thoughts are the terrible invisible prison I occupy every morning.

Since college, I have tried to isolate myself as much as I could.

I do not feel safe around people, I fear betrayal.

I have found no silver lining, no gift from my childhood, nothing positive out of betrayal.

Life is more painful than it is worth.

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28 Sep

Rudid96 asks about self and feelings

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

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Self: Each of us has a true self, he/she is the same every day, perfect and permanent. We create this other-self, for identity, a guy called Marty. Marty is my “Ego”.

Know this: No Ego ever feels equal to another Ego. Is this the reason our Ego is the ultimate judging machine? Walk into a room with ten people around a table, our Ego has automatically ranked us compared to everyone else. The Ego feels superior to some and inferior to others, here in lies the issue with navigating “Ego’s”.

Resentment, jealousy, anger, and other negative emotions are attached to trauma thoughts.

Realize that emotions are transparent, ephemeral, and fleeting, they arrive, stay a while then change to another emotion.

Rudid96, we place way too much importance on emotions, on thoughts, and judgments.

The Ego is a creation of the left hemisphere, a cognitive judgment of our place on this planet. This judgment takes into account how others treat us, how our first caregivers raised us, and how we value ourselves, all wrapped together in a package we call “Ego”.

The true self does not get involved in fleeting impermanent emotions, he/she observes life in the present moment free of thought.

Remember the right hemisphere of our brain has no words, thoughts, there are no judgments, no right or wrong, no good or bad on this side.

As Rick Hanson has explained in “Buddhas Brain”, you can not find an emotional center of the brain without thoughts being attached. Thoughts attach to emotions, trauma thoughts attach to violent emotions.

Marty, a left-brain invention, is flawed, I know he is in control when strong emotions arise. I have told people that they have pissed my Ego off, luckily I paid no attention.

My true self is not engaged in this worthless endeavor. My true self is not pissed, not engaged in Ptsd thoughts, not thinking in fact. No strong emotions are present, calm, and easiness takes over.

When strong emotions are present, our Ego is in control or dominating by atrocious thoughts.

My true self does not have Ptsd, the other guy, the guy who judges and thinks has PTSD. If no thought exists on the right side of my brain, no PTSD exists either.

Know we have created this Ego, and we can alter him/her with work.

Thoughts?

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