Posts Tagged ‘Self’

7 Jul

Self or No-Self: The Great Heart part 1

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@timmossholder

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The deepest dimension — level three: the Self or no-self — is unbounded and infinite, unlike any worldly ocean that has a limit, no matter how vast.

I call this the Great or Universal Heart.

Our oceanic metaphor dissolves here, unable to contain what it points to.

Some Buddhists might call this domain “no-self” in order to avoid making it into a subtle object.

It seems to me that the concepts of Self and no-self point to the same direct realization.

To call this reality the “Self” accents the every-thingness or fullness of our true nature; to call it “no-self” accents its no-thingness or emptiness — both are true depending upon whether we look from the perspective of love or wisdom.

As Nisargadatta Maharaj famously said, “Love says that I am everything.

Wisdom says that I am nothing.

Between the two, my life flows.”

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2 May

“Buddhas Brain”: the Self

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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“Thoughts, feelings, images, and so on exist as patterns of information represented by patterns of neural structure and activity.

In the same way, the various aspects of the apparent self—and the intimate and powerful experience of being a self—exist as patterns in the mind and brain.

The question is not whether those patterns exist.

The key questions are: What is their nature? And does that which those patterns seem to stand for—an “I” who is the unified, ongoing owner of experiences and agent of actions—truly exist?

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https://unsplash.com/@boudewijn_huysmans

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Or is self like a unicorn, a mythical being whose representations exist but who is actually.”
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My two cents: Follow any thought, the concept of “I” back to its source and you will find a mirage.

We create “I” from our childhood, what we think of ourselves combined with how the world treats us, then we roll it all together and call it “Marty” or “I”.

“I” is a creation, a magical being we invent for identity.
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16 May

PTSD: Awareness of my masculinity was the problem

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/211174969350714/

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My therapists have helped me improve, cared about me getting better, but PTSD still persisted, life was a mine field.

This week my spiritual teacher, at no cost, uncovered a crucial factor impacting my life.

Underlying all my trauma was this identity my father pounded into me, being a man. How to act, how to always be strong, how to never show weakness, was the alpha male model I developed.

This rigid male character looked powerful on the surface, underneath was a cauldron of fear and panic. How I was taught to interact with other men was the problem.

Over a decade of therapy and no mention of toxic masculinity, as I suffered, defending that image of manhood.

As stated in the last post, my gloom and doom disappeared, the unexpected consequence was my current dealings with living.

A neighbors questionable action upset my household this week. My first response, my old masculinity wanted to confront this neighbor with force.

That kind of response was so natural, I did not even think about it, almost reflexive.

That light bulb went off again, a response was not warranted, I finally needed to prove nothing. As I realized this fact, all the conflict and anxiety dropped away.

I wanted to heal from old trauma, never thought about how that would change today’s interactions.

All that therapy and the important issue of toxic masculinity never surfaced.

I thought my healing journey was exhaustive, reading and devouring everything about childhood PTSD.

How did I miss this integral part?

I worked on “Ego”, recreating and affirming a worthy new one.

My own flawed masculinity always was in control, stealthily but firmly in charge.

So many of my issues have softened with this big shift away from being some crazy alpha male stud.

My main two therapist have helped me on my journey and I am grateful.

Blaming others was part of my toxic masculinity.

It is the fear of our “Ego” being annihilated.

That can not happen but I feared the hell out of it.

I could not let this demon go, until my spiritual teacher pointed it out.

Awareness was the gift she bestowed on me and I am grateful.

Never give up, never give in, always take action in the face of fear.

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26 Feb

Childhood abuse: Formation of our Ego

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Dr. Anne Brown

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Our Ego should be carefully created like a resume. A lively rejoice of our great qualities.

Wow, I wish with all my heart.

Resumes do not have any negative words, admission of loss or highlighted weaknesses.

Abused kids create an Ego that is flawed, it has elements of unworthiness, as it creates not only a damaged Ego but a dangerous world.

Our created Ego has never known a time without abuse, he/she never has experienced what normal people think or feel.

Attachments are dysfunctional and abusive in our childhoods.

My low was not thinking I had a right to be alive. True story.

It is insidious as a disease the way it impacts our mind and heart.

I have worked many hours recreating a normal Ego, but stress or crisis brings PTSD and the old Ego thrives.

Our self image was distorted by abuse and criticism, we never felt good enough, this feeling seems to be there from birth for us.

It is haunting not to have a memory where we felt ok, normal, deserving.

Creating a new Ego, working feverishly to heal, has only garnered short periods of freedom from my abused Ego.

He feels so hard wired, I have no remembrance of feeling ok, ever.

How are we supposed to feel? What do kids not abused feel like?

My abuse plays everyday, on its own, it brings not good enough trauma, it brings shame.

Every day I try to distract my mind, try to let the shame go, try to stay present.

I am exhausted and worn down from the constant onslaught of intrusive thoughts.

My mind is attacking my sanity.

It does not care that it harms the host.

That is childhood abuse matured into adult Complex PTSD.

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22 Feb

PTSD: Misconceptions of normal people are GLARING!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.atrapamente.com/en/guides/post/understand-PTSD/

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Trauma is stored in fragmented, biased snippets during a perceived lethal threat..

Talking to it, reasoning with it or trying to influence it cognitively (consciously) is impossible.

Intrusive thoughts and PTSD have their own engine, their own leadership, their own schedule.

PTSD triggers and plays when it wants.

We do not control anything but our reaction.

We can resist and let thoughts go, but if you have experienced severe PTSD you know the storyline never stops sometimes.

Normal people think with their normal rational minds how easy it is to heal. Just stop thinking about it.

How nice, how clueless, how damaging.

PTSD is irrational and gets worse with their idea of control.

I been judged, laughed at and humiliated because of my PTSD.

Navigating regular life and people without PTSD is an issue that never goes away.

We do not fit in, we have periods where we are much different, much more guarded, much more concerned about our safety.

Even people who are friends, who have seen you suffer will tell you to get over it after a while.

It wears them out watching us suffer, then they get frustrated and lash out.

It just happened to me again. I cut contact and isolate, it hurts.

Trust is already hard, this makes it worse.

Normal people have no idea what it is like to hide away as an adult in your room for days, emotionally destroyed from the monster hiding inside our head.

Our minds play terror events at a rapid pace, cortisol and adrenaline flow, numbing drugs and coagulants are secreted for battle.

It is an invisible war, inside an invisible prison (PTSD).

How could we as infants escape our life sentence?

Instead of criticizing PTSD people, they should give ultimate gratitude they did not have to live our childhoods.

Peer pressure causes us to retreat, we start losing trust in people who can not understand us.

Every symptom and consequence of Childhood abuse has driven me towards isolation.

How about you?

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https://www.atrapamente.com/en/guides/post/understand-PTSD/

30 Jan

No Ego is ever equal to another ego: how about identical twins, triplets?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

http://photopin.com/free-photos/identical-twins

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I bow to the divine teacher (soul, trust self) within me.

Buddhism believes in the non duality of life. In layman terms our “Ego” is fictitious, our true self is the only real person inside us.

Our “Ego” is the other gal/guy that inhabits our mind.

Divine teacher is real, solid.

The “Ego” is created, transparent, made up in childhood for identity. We can not trace our “Ego” back to a source.

He/She is not real.

Our “Ego” is highly biased, judgmental, and never feels equal to any other “Ego”.

That does cause problems, turmoil with other Ego’s.

I wonder if identical twins are exempt from this with each other.

Seems those two Ego’s would be very similar.

You could actually see yourself in three dimension, like others see you. That must be weird.

This created Ego is the pain in the ass that craves approval, status, superiority, pleasure, anger, revenge and self worth.

He/She is the one feeling disrespected, outraged over others behavior.

My true self (soul) can be an observer, and gaze at the Ego’s crisis from a distance.

If we do not grasp the Ego’s emotional dilemma, we thrive.

Reality is much clearer from this perch.

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16 Jan

Body and Mind: a partnership

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/hebushiki-6324338/

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Let’s look at life in a different way. We are granted a body at birth, sometimes parents are part of the package. A mind comes with that body, the organ that will decide if we find wellbeing, suffering or something in between.

The body deteriorates at a much faster pace than the mind in normal times. Think of the needs of your body, then your mind.

The body is never satisfied for long, desires are never fulfilled for long. Constantly fulfilling desire leads to addiction not wellbeing.

The greatest meal on earth keeps hunger pains away for maybe 8 or 10 hours. One meal does not sustain us forever.

I mean look how often we need oxygen, four breathes a minute, every 15 seconds of so.

Then the body starts deteriorating if we reach maturity. We wither and die, no one has escaped.

What does the mind need. Well it uses 25% of the bodies oxygen and is dépendant on the body being healthy.

The mind has the option of grasping our desires, then judging success or failure on how we fulfill them.

The mind can also discount the Ego’s needs, making decisions in an unbiased observer mode.

Wellbeing happens when these two forces are balanced.

We have to fulfill certain desires but we need balance and perspective.

One banana split is wonderful, the second damn good, the third brings stomach pains.

Substitute drugs, alcohol, sex, power, status or approval for the banana split.

More desire does not quench desire, it promulgates more and more.

“Happiness does not come from having much, but from being attached to little.”

—Venerable Cheng Yen!!!

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13 Jan

Demystifying Meditation for Depression and PTSD

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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Take the robes, lineage and all the rules out of your meditation practice. Our goal is not enlightenment, it is improving, healing or wellbeing.

I may meditate for 30 minutes but my goal is to focus on ten breaths with very specific intention. How, you may ask?

We use a combination of our senses. Thought is the enemy, thinking is the opposite of meditating. Actually these two actions happen in different hémisphères of the brain.

So let’s start: Visually; I use a model a continuum so getting lost in the pauses becomes much harder. There are visual models, the boxed breath and my breathing track. I also monitor what my eyes see with eyelids closed.

Auditory: A plethora of stimulus here. Pick out the quietest sound in the room, then go beneath it. Listen for the sound of your inhales and exhales. For me, I hear my inhales and exhales, as my focus stays inside my nostrils. For those experienced, a symphony plays inside our head, listen inside your ears.

Tactile: During the pauses, internal noise stops, it is a special opportunity to search for agitation, tightness, fear in the body. Focus on your inner world, intently. I , also focus on my third eye, or my upper lip close to my nostrils, feeling the cool inhales pass followed by the warmer exhale.

Smell: At the zen center form was important, incense and repeating phrases were staples. Incense can tell the brain it is time to meditate.

Mindset: No goals. We influence nothing, try to exert no energy, we observe and focus. We always set for others first.

Again, we are the ultimate observer, detached from thought and judgment, existing totally in this moment, unencumbered by the past.

We let thought clear, and hold an empty, focused space so our mind and body can repair as neuroscience tells us.

Know that ten focused breaths can deliver us to a no thought space, and active meditation. Once we are there time stops and the body repairs itself.

Question?

Inhale starts at bottom right corner traveling up and to the left.

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29 Dec

How To Explore Your Inner-self

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/janbaby-3005373/

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From HUMAN PERFORMANCE PSYCHOLOGY Blog

“The actual psychological personality of a person is referred to as the ‘self’ of a person. 

Each one of us has a hidden self within us, but we are not aware of it. A human being thinks that it is his consciousness that lead his actions. 

Actually, our inner self guides our behavior in our day-to-day life. This self is constructed and undergoes transformation with the passage of time as we experience new things.

Ego also forms a part of our inner self. It makes us fight for our own identity in the world. It stresses on an individual existence of a human being separated from others. 

This will make an individual proud and selfish. He will neglect certain facts, which will be an obstacle in his self-awareness and thereby degrading his self-development. 

Thus for the development of the inner-self, the foremost step is self-introspection. 

This means that an individual should look within himself and analyze his own personality. 

This way he will be able to make out his own strengths and weaknesses. 

After this, it will be easy for him to take on to the methods that add on to his strengths and subtract his weaknesses. 

A person will then become more attracted towards the positive ways of life. This can be selfless service towards humanity and moving away from the negative thoughts of life such as jealousy and frustration. This will lead to the healing of the inner-self.

Another way of self-healing is to take on an optimistic attitude towards life. Many of us are prone to pessimistic thinking, which is the reason why they fail to realize the possibility of a solution to the problem. Taking on a positive and constructive attitude will give an individual the strength to face the problems of life and seek a solution to the same.

Continue reading →

25 Dec

Survival Mode: “The Body Keeps the Score”

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: Comfreak

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“In other words: If an organism is stuck in survival mode, its energies are focused on fighting off unseen enemies, which leaves no room for nurture, care, and love.

For us humans, it means that as long as the mind is defending itself against invisible assaults, our closest bonds are threatened, along with our ability to imagine, plan, play, learn, and pay attention to other people’s needs.

Darwin also wrote about body-brain connections that we are still exploring today.

Intense emotions involve not only the mind but also the gut and the heart: “Heart, guts, and brain communicate intimately via the ‘pneumogastric’ nerve, the critical nerve involved in the expression and management of emotions in both humans and animals.

When the mind is strongly excited, it instantly affects the state of the viscera; so that under excitement there will be much mutual action and reaction between these, the two most important organs of the body.”

The first time I encountered this passage, I reread it with growing excitement. Of course we experience our most devastating emotions as gut-wrenching feelings and heartbreak.

As long as we register emotions primarily in our heads, we can remain pretty much in control, but feeling as if our chest is caving in or we’ve been punched in the gut is unbearable.

Continue reading →

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