Posts Tagged ‘PTSD’

Life has been about enduring pain



Life has been about enduring pain, enduring abuse, living without ever feeling worthy.

Being yelled at screamed at, then violently assaulted dominated my early years.

Life has been violent since my early childhood, the fear and anxiety never left.

If I had a choice, why would I choose to be born into this suffering?

How many abused kids feel the same way?

At 70, I have suffered a complete life, it is a fact.

Why did we lose the birth lottery, why were we the kids chosen to suffer?

The physical abuse fades, the emotional last a lifetime.

I have always dreamed about being different, worthy.



Fear of Failure



Fear of failing kept me alive during my childhood, helped me to survive my dad.

It felt like a symptom of abuse (Ptsd), like hypervigilance or dissociation.

I always knew physical and emotional punishment would be the consequence of any failure as a kid.

My father was brutal with his criticism, I needed to be twice as good as everyone else, not just win.

He did not select me because of my superior talent, it was his narcissistic desire for stardom through his first child.

This mindset has never left me subconsciously, I find it brings worry, and doubt to this day.

Can you find habits from childhood that shape your life today?

Fear of failure is jet fuel for the inner critic.

My father made my self-worth dependant on my performance, I could lose everything each day with a failure.

I could be worthless in his eyes by how I performed on a competitive field.

Fear of failure allowed a mediocre athlete like me to play professional baseball.

Oh, it is great for performance, outstanding accomplishments are celebrated.

Well-being is replaced with hollow trophies, self worth is all based on tomorrows performance.

At 70, I still fear failure at anything.

It is another invisible prison, like PTSD.



My Blog may not be helpful lately

My intrusive thoughts never stop at times, normal people can not comprehend this or experience it. I do not dig up intrusive trauma thoughts they arrive on their own.



My leading, helping others out has been sparse or nonexistent lately, PTSD is alive and persistent, overbearing, powerful, I strain for the correct description.

At my worst, life stopped, I could not leave the house, I was frozen, shaking for hours, darkness marked another day survived.

My fight or flight exploded 15 times a day, I was agoraphobic, irrational fear, and anxiety imprisoned me. My prescribing Ph.D. psychologist had me on 350 milligrams of effector, a normal dose is 75.

Life was horrible. He thought I was messed up.

My mind could not handle a nervous system tilted upside down, I had lost control of everything, I reacted and suffered.

All my work has calmed my physical symptoms adequately, it is the intrusive thoughts, my mind thinking that haunts my waking hours.

My mind is out of control again, intrusive thoughts, trauma memories run constantly.

Thoughts arrive without our input, an abused kid’s thoughts could not be more different, more trauma laced, more negative, or more destructive than a normal child’s. An abused kids thoughts trigger ptsd, fear, and anxiety.

All my tools, grounding skills, focus skills, tricks, and meditating focus have minimal impact.

I am worn out physically and mentally right now.

It does feel like a war inside.

Depression becomes the second biggest symptom, actually co-morbid with PTSD.

Life is horrible again.

I know that is irrational but so is my whole life.

I share when things go well, why hide my challenges and losses.

I have to make sure everyone knows I am not giving up, just suffering and whining some.


Ptsd: the roller coaster ride of our life



I have tried EFT, TFT, EMDR, hypnosis, cranial sacral, acupuncture, CBT, ACT, developmental trauma therapy, EDIT, holistic, internal family system, biofeedback, two intuitives, and some actions forgotten on the journey.

Over a decade I had three therapists, two intuitives, a slew of books, and five years at a Zen center.

There is a spiritual component connected to meditation that has been a big part of my journey. Mindfulness has been an anchor on this journey.

Months we’re spent trying to apply everything learned in therapy, in books, and online.

My effort and dedication were intense and persistent, I wanted to heal completely and dedicated the last decade to this pursuit.

I exhaustively read the latest about brain science, the cutting edge therapies, the exploration of survivor traits, the mindfulness (meditation) connection, the lack of focus on the body (exercise), the absence of daily support, and the never mentioned urgency that was missing entirely.

Frustrated to be at PTSD’s mercy again, stuck, in pain, feeling like I have lost my mind, life is painful.

Times like this, life limps along, I feel wounded and extremely vulnerable.

Giving up is not an option, so the next action is checking out a chemical imbalance.

Need to either confirm or eliminate this possibility.

After that I am out of solutions.



Brainstorming with my daughter



My daughter has a degree in child psychology. Brainstorming with her for solutions, we both agree I have done enough therapy.

In childhood, our nervous system was impacted physically, not only some of its organs but synapses and other connectors.

So neurotransmitters are the concern, serotonin levels could be low.

As she lives with me, her opinion is that depression is more prominent than PTSD symptoms right now.

I have lost purpose and a desire to be around people.

It is difficult for my kid to see me this way.

I strive to improve but results are not in my control.

Meditating or therapy will not fix these deficiencies.

Wow, this would be a miracle.

Any thoughts.




Am I too damaged to heal?



Am I too damaged to heal?

There is no figure on the percentage of seriously abused kids healing.

I wonder how many adults with a one off crisis or trauma later in life heal?

What kind of odds do people like us have in healing our childhood abuse?

I would like to know my odds or chances on this journey.

Am I fighting a losing battle?

I have devoted my life full time to healing for over a decade, intense therapy, books, meditation, and practice.

If anything I have devoted too much attention trying to heal.

So for me, I was either handling my trauma trying to heal or suffering from the symptoms.

Now, I do not know which way to turn, quit messing with my trauma trying to heal or continue full force.

My mental stability and quality of life has deteriorated.

Depression seeps into my life, all that emotional hope I carried for over a decade is fading fast.



The Journey for abused Kids


In the beginning, healing was always slow, an amazing amount of time and effort are invested for a small return.

Healing was so subtle I did not notice for months, small improvements were underway.

A trauma event as an adult, brain fully developed, is much different than childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma has a depth, a plethora of unknowns, seemingly unending instances of more abuse.

This creates some big issues.

An adult endures abuse or a horrible accident and develops PTSD. He/She knows what a normal non-traumatized existence feels like.

He/She has a finite, one-off trauma to deal with. Healing is much quicker, much easier with good tools and effort.

His/Her brain is developed and handles trauma much differently than a kid with a brain incapable of handling life.

An abused kid has never experienced a normal life, never known life without emotional or physical abuse.

An abused kid’s brain is altered from that trauma, smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala, and compromised prefrontal cortex.

Our brains are injured and trauma is mixed up with brain development. As an adult, we fail to realize we need in-depth counseling or maybe in-house therapy.

We do not have a basis to understand our life is screwed up.

We have never experienced normal, how do we know what life is like for others.

My friends think I am just crazy, weak, and stuck. They have simple fixes, then question me for not being brave enough or skilled enough to live life as they do.

I wonder how they would have survived my childhood, my dad.

I did not seek help until I was about 60.

We are similar to narcissist, how can we see something wrong with us with nothing to compare it to. Life has always been like this for us, we have not experienced support or attachment or normalcy.

Childhood abuse is a well with no bottom, no end, no hope.

That is how it feels and looks to us at times.

None of this allows us to give up trying to heal.



I struggle with Forgiveness



How do we forgive, I have prayed for peace, healing, and forgiveness, inserted compassion, and opened my heart?

I have accepted, surrendered, forgave silently, verbally out loud, and written it down.

Cognitively I know forgiving benefits me, frees me but the damaged feelings persist, the scenario keeps playing as I battle to extinguish it.

Forgiveness is different than integrating triggers, unplugging the fight or flight mechanism, or handling other symptoms like hypervigilance, avoidance, or agoraphobia.

Where is the crack in this armor of trauma, forgiveness does not happen with my words, actions, or intention so far?

Forgiveness has resisted all my tools, all my skills so far, and all my effort.

How do I get that memory to stop playing, stop haunting, stop ruining my life?



Jousting with Forgiveness


Healing is unpacking old habits, then repeatedly and persistently inserting new healthy habits.

Like staying present instead of dissociating or letting go of thought instead of ruminating or following body sensations instead of the emotion.

Not forgiving is a huge impediment to my healing.

I replace it first with my mantra, “Forgivness is for me”.

Slowly as I delve deeper into finding ways to forgive, resistance is stiff at times, but other times the path is open.

One big change, I have decided to forgive, I will find a way.

My inner critic has received the message and recognizes I am dead serious.

Know thy enemy.



The Tug of War: Ego vs Inner Critic

My vicious inner critic has close ties to my male Ego, constantly reminding me of past wrongs and failures.

My inner critic loves using blame to fuel his dominance in my conscious life.

What better way of dominating our mind than bringing highly emotional, judgmental thoughts.

Trauma explodes when we grasp this rope.

PTSD is fueled in this scenario.

I have spent countless hours blaming and punishing Abusers in my visual recreations.

A total waste of time and energy, somehow we have to forgive and surrender or be owned by our abuse (abuser).

This is a tug of war, grab the rope with only one arm and the whole body is attached.

Compartmentalization does not work with trauma.

I have run from forgiving in the past, now I plant my flag and engage forgiveness.

Follow me or let me be your test dummy.

My male ego needs a revision, a spiritual awakening of sorts.

My inner critic can kiss my ass.

Sorry for that raw emotion.

Sarcasm is my vehicle of choice on this journey.


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