. Recently, I did an interview about my baseball career. It was for a college project on a 20th-century man. (If that does not make you feel old)
First question: Tell me about your childhood.
That froze me for a long minute. My brain has this well-developed record, that plays my narrative of childhood. I know it is how I perceive my childhood, saved under duress.
How can you share in words the damage this abuse has caused me? It never goes away completely. There is a void inside me, a feeling of not being good enough.
When you are physically and emotionally abused by your caregivers, self-worth never develops. Constant criticism leads to a flawed ego, a feeling of being worthless at our core.
My memory of childhood is sparse, and limited. My ability to hide most of my childhood back then saves me from more anguish.
These images are hard to share, I bluntly state a few incidents without any hint of nuance.
My childhood is recorded as a black-and-white movie, with short snippets of violence and shouting.
So after the interview, I felt vulnerable and exposed.
Abused kids never like to be judged. I have a sense of fear about what he will write.
It’s part of our disorder, PTSD, fear, and worthlessness.
. It has been a while since I posted. I needed an emotional break.
Recently, while examining my behavior and habits, fear of failure was always under the surface.
Even retired, my fear of failure influences my behavior and emotional state.
I would say many professional athletes compete out of fear of failure.
We feel it’s a trial of worthiness, every challenge, game, or tournament.
If it’s a team sport, we fear letting our teammates down.
In sports, a lack of performance leads to firing, death to who we thought we were. My mother told me God made me to be a professional baseball player. Who can I be now at 71?
Some athletes have considerable difficulty losing their supposed true identity.
Fear of failure is jet fuel for worry.
Self-worth has an enormous influence on every aspect of life.
My work is to be aware of fear’s influence, then adjust letting these emotions release.
The more that I can stay present, the better chance for equanimity.
“Equanimity is steady through vicissitudes, equally close to the things you may like and the things you do not like.” By Sheila Catherine . .
Our fight or flight mechanism firing is what we think of normal fear.
Cortisol, adrenaline gets dumped into our bloodstream along with bp, heart rate, and respiration increasing.
That deep thud in our solar plexus freezes us temporarily.
Some of PTSD fear uses the same mechanism when a trigger fires.
Other PTSD fears are more abstract, they are connected to past violent trauma
I think these are implicit memories, subconscious and abstract.
“Implicit memory relies on structures in our brain that are fully developed before we are born. Because it’s an unconscious, bodily memory, when it gets triggered in the present, it does not seem like it’s coming from the past.
Instead, it feels like it’s happening now.
Thus, we react as if we are back in the original situation.”
From These Invisible Memories Shape Our Lives Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.
This is why PTSD feels so alive, so ever-present. . .
Deep brain stimulation,” or DBS, can offer significant relief to as many as two-thirds of patients with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder, a new study found. Photo by Raman Oza/Pixabay
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by Alan Mozes, HealthDay News
When traditional treatments fail to help patients with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), an implant that zaps the brain with electrical pulses just might, a new research review shows.
It found that the remedy — known as “deep brain stimulation,” or DBS — can offer significant relief to as many as two-thirds of such patients. On average, it can reduce OCD-triggered symptoms by nearly half, the review found.
“[OCD involves] intrusive and bothersome thoughts that the individual cannot silence, and compulsions that are repetitive, ritualistic behaviors performed to reduce the anxiety produced by the compulsions,” said study author Dr. Sameer Sheth. He is an associate professor of neurosurgery at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston.
An estimated 3% of the global population is thought to be affected. For those with severe OCD that is uncontrolled, the symptoms can be “all-consuming,” Sheth said. Examples of OCD include repeated handwashing, ordering and arranging, repeating words in one’s head, and checking and double-checking.
“They can prevent the person from being able to perform other necessary activities of life, and therefore be extremely disabling,” Sheth said. “Some people cannot leave their room or home because of the cleaning rituals that would be necessary to re-enter, or cannot interact with others because of incessant taboo thoughts.”
The good news is that a combination of behavioral therapy and standard antidepressants — such as serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SRIs) — help many individuals.
The bad news: “About 10% to 20% do not respond” to those treatments, Sheth said.
“We are continuing to learn more about the origins and impacts of childhood conditioning, particularly when it comes to developmental trauma.
Researchers have discovered that children respond differently to traumatic events than adults do.
In part this is due to their undeveloped nervous system, in part due to the ongoing nature of the traumas, and in part due to the fact that their primary caretakers — those the children rely on for stability, guidance, and protection — are the source of these traumas.
Developmental traumas arise from ongoing neglect, abandonment, or abuse.
The impacts of chronic, relationally oriented trauma are pervasive and long lasting.
All aspects of children’s experiences become distorted.
Their ability to self-regulate, experience relative control and mastery, think clearly, self-soothe, take care of themselves, recognize and articulate needs and feelings, feel worthy, focus attention, learn, trust others, bond, and stay physically healthy are all compromised, sometimes severely.
Studies have shown that 75 percent of prison inmates suffer from developmental trauma.” . .
BPD (sometimes called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, or EUPD) is a lifelong mood disorder which can affect how someone thinks, feels, perceives, and relates to others.
People with BPD may struggle with a fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviour, intense emotions and relationships, and an unstable self-image.
Although there’s no single cause, research suggests genetics and brain chemistry may make someone more susceptible to the condition.
BPD often stems from prolonged childhood trauma, which can also increase someone’s chance of developing PTSD. PTSD is a psychological response to a traumatic event (which of course might include childhood events).
The symptoms of PTSD can include flashbacks, depression, anxiety, shame, anger and relationship problems.
Can someone have both BPD and PTSD?
It’s thought that between 25% and 60% of people with BPD also have PTSD. This could be because living with a mood disorder can both increase the risk of experiencing a traumatic situation, and make it more likely that experiencing a traumatic event leads to PTSD.
When someone has both conditions, the symptoms tend to be worse than if they had BPD or PTSD alone.
PTSD can increase the likelihood of dissociative, intrusive and suicidal thoughts in people with BPD.
That’s why it’s so important to get the correct diagnosis.
Making a correct diagnosis for BPD or PTSD
BPD can sometimes be mistaken for PTSD or C-PTSD, and vice-versa.
C-PTSD is a subset of PTSD which is associated with long-term or chronic exposure to trauma – much like BPD.
Both can cause emotional distress, mood swings, flashbacks, anxiety and anger.
It’s thought there are some generalised key differences to look out for, but of course, everybody is different:
Although both conditions can lead to problems maintaining personal relationships, people with BPD tend to fear abandonment, whereas people with C-PTSD may avoid intimacy or relationships altogether because of ‘feeling somehow unlovable or undeserving because of the abuse they endured’.
People with BPD are more likely to self-harm, than people with PTSD or C-PTSD.
‘While both those with BPD and C-PTSD struggle with emotional regulation and often experience outbursts of anger or crying, those with C-PTSD may experience emotional numbing, emptiness, or a detachment from emotions.’
Someone with PTSD may be calmed by going to a familiar environment and being reassured that they are safe. This might irritate someone with BPD, who may respond more positively to being told their feelings are valid.
People with PTSD are more likely to be triggered by a specific external trigger and think and behave rationally outside those triggers.
For people with BPD, the triggers tend to be internal thoughts and feelings, which can be less predictable.
Unfortunately, because of the overlap in symptoms, and because some differences appear similar from the outside, some people with C-PTSD end up being misdiagnosed with BPD, or vice-versa.
Sometimes someone will have both conditions, but only one is picked up.” . .
PTSD - A Way Out.com 
