Posts Tagged ‘Pain’

17 Jun

Navigating the harm of normal people

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/

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Over 20 vets have committed suicide everyday for the last three years.

Why couldn’t they just let it go, be strong. They had families, children and responsibilities.

What force could drive them to give up and take their own lives.

A normal person, not abused in childhood, has no clue what forces drive them to take their own lives.

I understand exactly why they take their lives, to stop the pain.

Wonder how they reacted when people told them to just let it go? Ignore your trauma and act normal, ignore the anxiety, ignore the fear.

I would like to see anyone of them handle my childhood trauma so easily and completely.

Our prisons are full of abused kids, growing up dysfunctional as adults, why did they fail, why couldn’t they just let their PTSD go?

How many abused young girls become prostitutes and drug addicts, cutters and suicidal risks?

Why could they not just let their sexually abusive childhoods go?

The outside world sees us as weak and broken. I have entered spaces and shared my childhood trauma trying to heal, my boldness has brought rebuke and pain.

I am not weak, I doubt if any of them could of walked my life or your life.

I get upset when supposed friends invalidate my PTSD and suffering.

I guess part of our suffering is enduring never being validated by normal people.

I must be seriously flawed not being able to effortlessly let my trauma go.

We get burnt over and over when we share our suffering.

Now, I will search for relief in private again.

Besides my therapist, this is the only safe place I have to share my trauma challenges.

Thank all of you for understanding.

Thoughts, experiences, ideas?

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18 May

I was a thing to my Narcissist dad

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/2111131067243853/

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I often wonder why my PTSD has been so destructive.

My dad exerted so much energy, a 24/7 constant obsession of grooming me for baseball stardom. I was more of an it to him, a thing, not a separate life, not an autonomous person with desires and needs.

That’s how a narcissist owns things, uses things (people) for their pleasure. Their empathy centers do not work correctly.

Whether at school, home or on a field of competition, he controlled my every move, reviewed every play of every game and performance at school, then punished any actions that deviated from his master plan.

I guess it was to replace his lost childhood from early pregnancy at 16 and subsequent end of his high school career.

He wanted to control every part of my life, even micromanage my thoughts. He stole my childhood, my life for his own sick narcissistic pleasure.

There was no opportunity for me to be me, in fact being me would get beat for insolence.

There was no deviation in what he decided I would be, just an emphasis on being much better than everyone else.

It was lonely, isolating and highly abusive.

Instead of me forming my ego, he told me what my ego should look like and act like.

I see why I am so messed up, always searching for the real me.

We do not pick our parents, so this is my challenge, I can accept it and take action or be a victim.

I fight on.

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https://www.pinterest.com/pin/267190190381444390/

9 May

. The irrational seems rational, feels real,

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/16888567360170857/

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The irrational seems rational, feels real, it’s called childhood PTSD, developmental trauma to be more exact.

I understand the mechanics of PTSD very well, I have no idea why my mind makes old trauma so important, so alive, so persistent, so damaging.

Irrational, I know that but knowing has not healed it.

My mind is mush, confused, anxious, worn out, in and out of survivor mode.

My mind is alert for danger, emotional danger at all times again.

This has a big impact, it isolates me and takes enjoyment out of life.

Emotional fear is so abstract when attached to violent trauma.

Its like an evil ghost haunting me.

Irrational but automatic, it happens without my input, it is exhausting and painful.

Working on forgiveness has just stirred up the shit even more.

I could scream, this is so frustrating, I have done the hard work for over a decade.

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28 Feb

More Suffering (PTSD style)

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: kalhh

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We not only avoid triggers, people and situations, but suffering.


There are many kinds of suffering, many different intensities and durations involved.

In a normal life situation, avoiding suffering is a basic skill.


We do not put our hand in the flame on the gas stove or jump off a roof.


PTSD bring a longer, more insidious kind of suffering.

PTSD suffering is repetitive, pain is mixed with emotionally charged fear and trauma.


PTSD uses our defense mechanism to scare us, firing our fight or flight mechanism, turning our nervous system into our personal terrorist.

This suffering is not physical as a broken leg, and does not heal anything like a broken bone.


PTSD has a big physical dimension using strong fear drugs and bodily functions to prepare us for a lethal threat.

We can see that PTSD suffering has the ability to last a lifetime.

I have had many, many injuries playing professional sports, they pail in comparison to childhood PTSD.


So how do we handle the suffering PTSD brings us?

Our first reaction is to avoid suffering at all costs.

With PTSD it does not work.

It’s similar to chasing pleasure, which seems like a good strategy until it ends in addiction.


Trying to avoid suffering, being afraid to experience my suffering made it worse.

How do we change human nature and accept our suffering.

For me this idea came forward.

If We have to suffer, we will suffer trying to heal.

In that sentence there is no avoidance or fear dealing with my suffering.


If you try to heal, your suffering will increase before it will release.

The old adage, no pain no gain seems to fit perfectly here.

If you fear your suffering PTSD will get much worse.
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26 Feb

Childhood abuse: Formation of our Ego

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Dr. Anne Brown

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Our Ego should be carefully created like a resume. A lively rejoice of our great qualities.

Wow, I wish with all my heart.

Resumes do not have any negative words, admission of loss or highlighted weaknesses.

Abused kids create an Ego that is flawed, it has elements of unworthiness, as it creates not only a damaged Ego but a dangerous world.

Our created Ego has never known a time without abuse, he/she never has experienced what normal people think or feel.

Attachments are dysfunctional and abusive in our childhoods.

My low was not thinking I had a right to be alive. True story.

It is insidious as a disease the way it impacts our mind and heart.

I have worked many hours recreating a normal Ego, but stress or crisis brings PTSD and the old Ego thrives.

Our self image was distorted by abuse and criticism, we never felt good enough, this feeling seems to be there from birth for us.

It is haunting not to have a memory where we felt ok, normal, deserving.

Creating a new Ego, working feverishly to heal, has only garnered short periods of freedom from my abused Ego.

He feels so hard wired, I have no remembrance of feeling ok, ever.

How are we supposed to feel? What do kids not abused feel like?

My abuse plays everyday, on its own, it brings not good enough trauma, it brings shame.

Every day I try to distract my mind, try to let the shame go, try to stay present.

I am exhausted and worn down from the constant onslaught of intrusive thoughts.

My mind is attacking my sanity.

It does not care that it harms the host.

That is childhood abuse matured into adult Complex PTSD.

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25 Feb

You, but better: Scientists designing method to remove fear, boost confidence via brain stimulation by John Anderer

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Pinterest: Zachary Phillips

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Feb 24, 2021

SEIKA, Japan — If modern science conceived of a way to “pluck” unwanted fears, thoughts, and preferences from your mind, is that that something you would be interested in? It sounds impossible, but a new study on non-conscious brain stimulation may just make it a reality.

Via a combination of artificial intelligence and brain scanning technology, scientists in Japan say they’ve discovered avenues to remove specific fears, boost confidence, and even alter individual preferences.

They believe that in the future these techniques may lead to new treatments for patients dealing with issues like PTSD or generalized anxiety disorder.

All of this is incredibly promising, but researchers admit they haven’t perfected their approach just yet. While the treatment they developed has proven effective with many, some individuals haven’t seen the same benefits.

Crowdsourcing research on the brain?

Continue reading →

25 Feb

PTSD uses thought and emotion to gain control

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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PTSD uses certain emotions to gain control, yes it’s part of the Thinker, our Ego.

Our Ego wants total control, even in a person with no history of abuse. We are easy targets when the Ego has PTSD as a weapon or when PTSD has the Ego to dominate. Pick your poison.

PTSD brings guilt to our core. Why should we ever feel guilty for being abused, yes it’s all irrational.

PTSD distorts time, memory and our sanity.

Fear of the unknown, what’s going to happen, when is the next tragedy for us, reverberates within traumas thoughts. We are always on guard, danger is close, we sense.

Trauma, PTSD, has created an alternate world that has no safety or wellbeing for us. We live in a world influenced by things out of our consciousness, PTSD.

We can get trapped inside our thoughts and feelings without realizing it. No one is going to understand.

That’s the other sad part about childhood abuse, none of your friends or enemies will ever know the hell we endure. They will feel helpless not being able to stop our suffering.

Then, there is the fear, the doom, the knowing that things have never turned out ok for us.

Our memories are like Swiss cheese. A child without abuse has a vivid memory of childhood.

We have spotty, violent nightmares, emotionally devastating snippets of abuse called memory.

Good memories are not accessible for me, my memories are of abusé, loss and betrayal. If I have good memories, I am not aware of them.

That’s sad, as I read it.

So looking back has nothing but suffering for me and probably you.

We carry all the fear and ways to escape our abuser into adulthood subconsciously.

Anyone who slightly resembles my fathers behavior, jolts my nervous system.

What do you carry with you?

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22 Feb

PTSD: Misconceptions of normal people are GLARING!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.atrapamente.com/en/guides/post/understand-PTSD/

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Trauma is stored in fragmented, biased snippets during a perceived lethal threat..

Talking to it, reasoning with it or trying to influence it cognitively (consciously) is impossible.

Intrusive thoughts and PTSD have their own engine, their own leadership, their own schedule.

PTSD triggers and plays when it wants.

We do not control anything but our reaction.

We can resist and let thoughts go, but if you have experienced severe PTSD you know the storyline never stops sometimes.

Normal people think with their normal rational minds how easy it is to heal. Just stop thinking about it.

How nice, how clueless, how damaging.

PTSD is irrational and gets worse with their idea of control.

I been judged, laughed at and humiliated because of my PTSD.

Navigating regular life and people without PTSD is an issue that never goes away.

We do not fit in, we have periods where we are much different, much more guarded, much more concerned about our safety.

Even people who are friends, who have seen you suffer will tell you to get over it after a while.

It wears them out watching us suffer, then they get frustrated and lash out.

It just happened to me again. I cut contact and isolate, it hurts.

Trust is already hard, this makes it worse.

Normal people have no idea what it is like to hide away as an adult in your room for days, emotionally destroyed from the monster hiding inside our head.

Our minds play terror events at a rapid pace, cortisol and adrenaline flow, numbing drugs and coagulants are secreted for battle.

It is an invisible war, inside an invisible prison (PTSD).

How could we as infants escape our life sentence?

Instead of criticizing PTSD people, they should give ultimate gratitude they did not have to live our childhoods.

Peer pressure causes us to retreat, we start losing trust in people who can not understand us.

Every symptom and consequence of Childhood abuse has driven me towards isolation.

How about you?

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https://www.atrapamente.com/en/guides/post/understand-PTSD/

21 Feb

PTSD has exploded with old age, retirement

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

A rare peak behind the curtain the real me.

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Work and play always kept that demon inside, chasing me at bay.

With retirement and large swaths of time to think, I finally see my life, the big picture.

I am devastated.

Like many, we did not have a chance as little kids.

My childhood abuse followed me into college, where betrayal broke that abused little boys back.

It was stored as the most horrific thing that ever happened to me. I can not change how this was stored, the intensity or the harm or the event itself. Oh I have tried.

I never realized, I should never have entered a relationship with a partner, ever. I did not know the risk, the damage for life that would happen.

Childhood abuse left me damaged and incapable of ever handling betrayal, let alone public ridicule. My father so isolated me, I never confided in a soul.

I did not have anyone I trusted, anyone I would ever share humiliation, shame, loss or weakness with.

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I lived life inside my head, alone, since childhood. I was extremely vulnerable and had no clue.

I have paid a heavy price for loving someone. I never trusted a mate again. It was not conscious or cognitive, everytime a girlfriend or wife would go out alone, my bags were packed.

I did not understand why my gut would churn, my nervous system would go to tilt or why I suffered. This always caused conflict and suffering for me.

It was impossible for me to attach in a healthy way. But it felt like failure to be single.

I found it impossible to be close or trust any partner after college. I gave what was available, much of me had shut down without me knowing it.

PTSD was alive but I never knew it.

My cognitive rationalizations now, common sense, can not reach this nightmare. We can not cognitively reach ptsd or change it by talking to it, like many think.

It plays in a venue that thinks its worse than death. Somehow I need to proces this, integrate this, not try to change it.

Hard for an old guy to handle this level of anxiety, humiliation and outright fear, now.

How in the world do you fix this?

I have done the work, journeyed for a decade on the road less traveled and this is what remains.

PTSD does not care, we can suffer till we die.

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6 Feb

I am one of the lucky ones. I can resist and take action

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

“We need to live with less complaints and more gratitude.” Pinterest

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When PTSD is active, life changes, thought patterns simplify.

The habitual traumatic event is the only movie playing. Over and over the torment haunts us.

How do we handle this unfair life?

What do we do for attitude, effort, and hope?

For me, I know I am luckier than most with childhood PTSD. I have tools and willpower.

Most childhood abuse (C-PTSD) ends in addiction, prostitution, aberrant behavior, disease, shorter life span and suffering.

Most severely abused kids are incapable of taking action, facing their fears (abuse) or improving.

Venture on to the PTSD discussion boards and witness the flailing and suffering . The opposite of healing is going on, victimhood is celebrated in such a public dysfunctional way.

It is extremely sad.

22 vets have committed suicide everyday for last three years, while PTSD surges beyond epidemic rates.

Think of the massive amount of PTSD that grips those living in the war zones our soldier have fought in.

I am lucky. If you follow this blog, I think you are lucky because your looking to heal.

Searching still, you have not given up.

We have the willpower and courage to look for healing and look to take action.

I know happiness and trauma are inside me.

Everyday I connect to that inner guide and search for improvement, a better life.

I can resist with every molecule in my body, that along with not giving up has carved a small space that I live inside.

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