Posts Tagged ‘Pain’

I know a life is not supposed to be lived like this

Pixabay: wgbieber

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Thanksgiving has sent my mind racing, searching for explanations why others seek family get togethers.

Wellbeing (happiness) has all these great trusting relationships and deep family connections.

My life is void of that, I am connected to a daughter and three grandkids.

I feel safe loving my grandkids, they will never betray me. I do not love anything else.

That hits me as extremely sad as I write it, but it is my reality.

I am a loner who is not lonely.

Betrayal is far worse than not having any deep attachments in my life.

Criticism cuts deep into our soul, betrayal rips our hearts out.

Unless you have been severely abused as a kid, my feelings make no sense to you.

That use to bother me, now I could care less if anyone understands me.

Luckily I have shed my guilt for believing I was unworthy, or at fault for my abuse.

Adult children of narcissist are haunted, not attached in healthy relationships, then confused at feeling like an outcast.

We stick out, we see danger when others feel secure, we see betrayal where others see opportunity, we isolate out of fear while normal people attach, enjoy, even trust.

We are shocked others can trust and feel safe.

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Childhood abuse destroys a kids ability to trust others or himself/herself

Pixabay: GregMontani

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How do you trust when one parent is your violent abuser and the other is his enabler?

Conditioned love from your caregivers, places all self-worth and value as a person, on performance (approval) for the dominant abuser. 

I was conditioned to have no intrinsic value except for the achievements my narcissistic parent picked out as valuable.

My narcissistic father demanded I would be twice as good (at baseball) as any other kid in my hometown.

At five I was informed I would be a great professional baseball player or else.

How does a little boy handle such as outrageous demand. Oh yea, I played six years for the Baltimore Orioles.

Now, is my self worth dependent on being twice as Good? 

You better damn well believe it did in that household.

Sad as a little boy, that’s exactly how my father valued me or I was beat violently and portrayed verbally as worthless.

He did not care about anything else, cold, calculated and extremely violent was his demeanor.

Now, at 69, weakened by chronic pain, spinal fusions, and complex PTSD, my abuse overwhelms me.

Once a strong advocate for fighting for every breath, now my spirit is tired of the humiliation I have endured.

My strength is gone, endurance crippled by a serious car wreck, and my chronic pain grows as I age.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I have read enough, meditated enough and healed enough to understand the mountain I faced from birth.

With ten years of intensive healing under my belt, the mountain of trauma inside my brain keeps pouring out.

My expectations: I thought all my effort would heal me.

I did not expect trauma would never stop haunting me, or would be endless until I die.

For me, life has been filled with abuse, betrayal and suffering.

I think I have fought the good fight, my reward is always more trauma to endure.

I am lost in the middle of this recent eruption of old trauma.

It feels like trauma has consumed my existence, stole my life.

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Navigating a traumatized existence

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Stating the obvious, we were innocent, helpless kids without the mental or physical abilities to escape or protect ourselves.

For me, healing looks totally different than a normal person.

Everyone talks about how connecting and trusting, having healthy social relationships are part of healing and wellbeing.

I did the opposite. Socially, trusting people was never going to happen except for an inner circle of a few.

For me, isolating from most people, stabilized my nervous system, so I could heal.

I never trusted people, never.

People betraying me, did so much damage after my childhood, I became a loner.

Finding a way to be happy without many attachments was difficult, but the alternative of a loved one betraying me was never an option after college.

I stayed alive, did not commit suicide, got up and created a private world for myself.

I am alive, I survived extreme abuse as a confused, little boy.

Terror followed me, nightmares, sweats, stomach aches, vomiting, anxiety and fear ensued.

Now, when all this explodes life goes back to feeling imminent danger is near, it exists deep inside my memories.

I can not make sense of my life and all the suffering.

Was I born to be a sufferer?

How should I endure a life filled with suffering.

Where is the worth in my life, keeps nagging me for answers

Abused kids can not escape the damage.

Any insight?

Note: I am not advocating isolating, except from your abusers, even if it is a parent until after you improve.

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Adult survivors are often isolated, lacking the ability or courage to trust

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From https://www.vetmed.wsu.edu/docs/librariesprovider16/default-document-library/the-long-shadow-adult-survivors-of-childhood-abuse.pdf?sfvrsn=0

Interpersonal Problems

Adult survivors of past abuse may also experience difficulties in relationships with others. These difficulties can influence your relationships with partners, friends, members of your family of origin, and your children.

Evvie Becker-Lausen and Sharon Mallon-Kraft describe two dysfunctional interpersonal styles that they characterize as “pandemic” outcomes of past abuse. Adult survivors may adopt an avoidant style, which includes low interdependency, self-disclosure and warmth, leading to few interpersonal ties. ( I have lived with few deep attachments and enjoy the security of my bedroom over any social gathering)

Or they may adopt an intrusive style, which includes extremely high needs for closeness, excessive self-disclosure and being smotheringly warm. We could call the intrusive style “codependent.”

The intrusive style is overly demanding and controlling. Interestingly, both styles result in loneliness. (You’ll also notice that the two styles are very similar to those of depressed mothers.)

Past abuse influences adult relationships. In a sample of incest survivors, those not in stable or secure relationships as adults were more likely to be depressed (Alexander, Anderson, Brand, Schaeffer, Grelling & Kretz. 1998).

Past abuse can influence your ability to trust others, make friends, and have relationships that are not exploitive. ( I have never trusted a woman in a relationship after the public humiliation in college. Fear was the driving subconscious force that enabled me to not need people)

Adult survivors are often isolated and are less satisfied with their relationships than adults who were never abused. (I Isolated, had few deep connections, never joined groups, and became suspicious of others motives, people were not safe in my world)

If you are an abuse survivor, you may find it difficult to find an adequate support network to help you cope with the stresses of parenting. ( Abused kids have few resources and are oblivious that we need therapy)

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Trust, is it possible for seriously abused kids.

https://pixabay.com/users/johnhain-352999/

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I am just realizing some of my habits were created from childhood trauma.

My Childhood was void of trust, it was a violent struggle for a little boy to survive. No attachments were created with my parents, I hated my father, my abuser.

After leaving the household for college, the first person I trusted betrayed me in a horrendous way.

Consequences: Life was much better not trusting people, being dependent on myself, especially when a crisis occurred.

How do you trust after a childhood where I was brutalized emotionally and physically until I left that house?

Childhood did not turn out ok, I was severely damaged and isolated from healthy connections to my peers. I was not allowed to dilute my father’s control with having close friends and a girlfriend was forbidden.

My brain lacked social skills to trust and bond with the group.

Do I cry about lacking, become a victim or do I learn to live without people’s help. That answer is quite obvious.

PTSD is an irrational disorder, we make decisions in survival mode that do not work in normal life. Things are extremely distorted inside our damaged brains.

How does a person like me get to therapy and then trust a therapist?

Trust is a shallow connection to another for me. I just realized how sad this is.

How do we trust on a deep level?

My only touch I received in childhood was getting beat. That does not promote trust or closeness.

Who do you call?

69 years of not trusting is a big mountain!

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What’s Your ACE Score? Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study)

Three Types of ACEs

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There are 10 types of childhood trauma measured in the ACE Study. Five are personal — physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect, and emotional neglect. Five are related to other family members: a parent who’s an alcoholic, a mother who’s a victim of domestic violence, a family member in jail, a family member diagnosed with a mental illness, and the disappearance of a parent through divorce, death or abandonment. Each type of trauma counts as one. So a person who’s been physically abused, with one alcoholic parent, and a mother who was beaten up has an ACE score of three.

There are, of course, many other types of childhood trauma — racism, bullying, watching a sibling being abused, losing a caregiver (grandmother, mother, grandfather, etc.), homelessness, surviving and recovering from a severe accident, witnessing a father being abused by a mother, witnessing a grandmother abusing a father, involvement with the foster care system, involvement with the juvenile justice system, etc. The ACE Study included only those 10 childhood traumas because those were mentioned as most common by a group of about 300 Kaiser members; those traumas were also well studied individually in the research literature.

The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: If you experienced other types of toxic stress over months or years, then those would likely increase your risk of health consequences.

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ACEs Increase Health Risks

According to the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, the rougher your childhood, the higher your score is likely to be and the higher your risk for various health problems later.

Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

Credit: Robert Wood Johnson Foundation

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Prior to your 18th birthday:

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?

No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?

No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?

No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Did you often or very often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?

No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Did you often or very often feel that … You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?

No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Were your parents ever separated or divorced?

No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Was your mother or stepmother:

Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?

No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?

No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide? No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Did a household member go to prison?

No___If Yes, enter 1 __

Now add up your “Yes” answers: _ This is your ACE Score

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Does your Pain define you?

https://pixabay.com/users/AnnaliseArt-7089643/

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A triple rollover on south 5 downtown San Diego landed me in a chronic pain group.

Mostly spinal injuries from accidents, I was shocked , these were my peers.

My chronic pain therapist, a PhD pain psychologist told me, it is like you entered a third world country.

Doctors, surgeries, physical therapy, therapists, work comp and pain become your waking companions.

No one understands your limitations, unless you have a cane or walker, pain is invisible.

Living with a serious chronic pain person is not easy.

14 of the 15 mates in that chronic pain group left their spouses, divorced.

You end up by yourself, hurting, alone, confused with severe depression.

15 out of 15 said, I just want to be like I was before the accident. That thought will bring you suffering forever, we were never going to be like we were.

Chronic pain takes much more of a toll than others realize.

Took me a few years to compress my chronic pain and get some of my life back.

Now I hike five days a week, 4 miles uphill 60 stories briskly.

It takes time and effort to learn how to adjust and adapt.

Conclusion: No one could see my pain, my suffering.

If I needed others to understand or give me sympathy, suffering would never leave me.

I learned to keep my pain limitations to myself.

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I learned Triggers were an Opportunity to heal!……. The door to the other side

Color Inspiration – 25 Magical Doors

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When my trauma exploded later in life, my fight or flight mechanism erupted, brought enormous fear and anxiety.

A lethal threat seemed to follow me, my adrenal stress response firing throughout the day filling me up with cortisol and adrenaline.

Fight, flight or freeze always ends with freeze for PTSD sufferers.

Fight or flight may happen the first couple of triggers, however repeated triggers firing causes us to freeze.

We try to avoid our triggers firing as a coping mechanism.

One day an epiphany hit me, I was terrified of my fight or flight going off.

I feared a body mechanism because it was linked to a traumatic childhood memory.

It took many hours of meditating and practice to realize a trigger was an opportunity to heal.

Instead of fearing my adrenal stress response I welcomed the opportunity to integrate the traumatic memory.

My triggers were the door to the other side.

When a trigger erupted, my PTSD was at its apex of power, PTSD was also at its most vulnerable.

I found out if you stayed present, focused on the breath and body sensations Ptsd lost power.

Ptsd has a glaring weakness, it was a bully bluffing of real harm.

I analyzed a trigger erupting.

Cortisol and adrenaline are secreted, bp, respiration and heart rate climb, opioids and coagulants are added into the blood stream, tunnel vision and loss of fine motor skills lead to mental confusion.

In ten or maybe twenty long minutes, all the chemicals dissipate and the nervous system calm back down.

In the aftermath no harm is permanently done but we feel great emotional loss.

I had to know there was no danger, PTSD just had access to my fight or flight mechanism.

Our fight or flight firing gives PTSD it’s powerful aversion.

That imminent danger does not exist, adrenaline and especially cortisol strengthen traumas bluff.

I did not heal by avoiding triggers.

I healed by confronting the bully and his bluff.

Ask yourself, after a trigger erupts, and things calm back down. where is the permanent danger?

There is none.

Ptsd is a mirage of fear.

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I have absorbed the body trauma meditating yesterday

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Yesterday, I meditated five hours total in one hour increments. A past Trauma popped up with all its emotional terror, being trapped inside my body.

Trauma is stored at the time it occurs and with the ability at that age. My 19 year old self is much different than this 68 year old self.

The power, the intensity, the sheer anger and hurt shocked me.

All my skills had not stopped this trauma from taking over for a week.

Yesterday during my meditative sets, I brought the event to the surface, then observed all the fear, shame, anger and confusion without reaction.

I learned this as titration, you bring your trauma up for a couple minutes of thought, then meditate. The goal is to settle the nervous system back to normal.

Yes, I triggered myself, so I could integrate the fear. It is the road less travelled for sure.

That’s how healing happened originally. Triggers always caused me to avoid until I realized healing goes directly through the center of our fear (trauma).

The goal is not to squash the danger, it is to do nothing, accept and surrender from a distance.

This process integrates the stored trauma from the body and amygdala.

It is a very simple process, however it takes a strong ability to focus and courage to face our fears.

As long as our trauma has these strong negative emotions to reinforce its storyline, we lose.

For a couple of days, I was a victim, experiencing the tragedy in its full power.

It takes me a while for the mind to grapple with the demon.

Today, my system has absorbed most of the stored trauma, settled closer to my normal existence. I have separation of my 19 year old ego and my 68 year old ego again.

I forgot the intensity, the confusion and the outright terror PTSD wields when aroused. It’s been five years since anything like this has happened.

What seemed overwhelming last week, has shrunk to very unpleasant.

Settling the nervous system makes PTSD much easier to handle.

Thoughts?

Writing a few post with me suffering with PTSD, was difficult sharing the last couple of days. I knew everyone would be watching to see how I would handle it.

Do I just talk the talk or walk the walk. I have an added responsibility to not feel sorry for myself or be a victim. That actually adds to my motivation to never give in, never give up.

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Hidden trauma resurfaces, opening up the deepest cut of my life

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My healing journey always followed my inner guide. I trusted this guide would bring forth trauma that needed integrated when I was ready.

Access to my inner guide needed meditation as the vehicle to enter into my subconscious world.

At times even following the inner guide PTSD was still overwhelming when it exploded.

I believed total healing was possible. For a two year period, I was free of doubt and worry, triggers never fired and intrusive thoughts had subsided.

This was a euphoric time for me. The cessation of suffering felt miraculous.

Then one day my symptoms reignited from a side effect of a prescribed blood pressure medicine.

No new trauma had surface with this event, it was all nervous system exploding. It took a while but I settled my nervous system down.

Stunned this week, a powerful and shameful trauma exploded into my consciousness.

No way did I think any incident in my life could be stronger that a whole childhood of abuse.

Hidden below my childhood, the event that emotionally killed my trust popped forward.

This event keeps presenting itself in vivid color without any input from me. It runs on its own with an emotionally charged storyline.

I am bombarded with horrible images of public betrayal when I was 19. The imagined scene is so embarrassing and demeaning, it takes my breath away.

It has haunted me this week and stole my sense of value in life.

Without my fight or flight firing, this event brings ridicule and shame in force.

Emotionally it has numbed me, I feel the hurt like I was 19 again.

There is no danger of ptsd gaining power again, however it has brought a great sadness from it’s deep grave.

My “Ego” was emotionally scarred for life from this event. My childhood gave me trust issues and this event extinguished what was left.

I did not know this was the source of my lost trust until this week. This event never entered my consciousness, never had this trauma memory see the light of day until this week.

PTSD has been much more complex, more secretive than I ever thought possible.

Hard to believe anything is below this disaster.

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