Posts Tagged ‘MINDFULNESS’

Childhood abuse: Formation of our Ego

Dr. Anne Brown

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Our Ego should be carefully created like a resume. A lively rejoice of our great qualities.

Wow, I wish with all my heart.

Resumes do not have any negative words, admission of loss or highlighted weaknesses.

Abused kids create an Ego that is flawed, it has elements of unworthiness, as it creates not only a damaged Ego but a dangerous world.

Our created Ego has never known a time without abuse, he/she never has experienced what normal people think or feel.

Attachments are dysfunctional and abusive in our childhoods.

My low was not thinking I had a right to be alive. True story.

It is insidious as a disease the way it impacts our mind and heart.

I have worked many hours recreating a normal Ego, but stress or crisis brings PTSD and the old Ego thrives.

Our self image was distorted by abuse and criticism, we never felt good enough, this feeling seems to be there from birth for us.

It is haunting not to have a memory where we felt ok, normal, deserving.

Creating a new Ego, working feverishly to heal, has only garnered short periods of freedom from my abused Ego.

He feels so hard wired, I have no remembrance of feeling ok, ever.

How are we supposed to feel? What do kids not abused feel like?

My abuse plays everyday, on its own, it brings not good enough trauma, it brings shame.

Every day I try to distract my mind, try to let the shame go, try to stay present.

I am exhausted and worn down from the constant onslaught of intrusive thoughts.

My mind is attacking my sanity.

It does not care that it harms the host.

That is childhood abuse matured into adult Complex PTSD.

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PTSD: we have to take responsibility for our craziness

https://pixabay.com/users/congerdesign-509903/

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I have two close friends that I have shared my feelings, my day to day details with.

I have worn them out. No way a mind not damaged from severe childhood abuse, can undedertsnd how intense and non stop trauma thoughts can be for us.

I can be an asshole to others when I am wrestling my demon. No excuse a fact.

It is the same storyline for us, repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Each time we die inside, it feels real.

That makes no sense to anyone else, but I suffer reliving it.

Our trauma is stored in a certain way. That’s how we relive it.

How could anyone understand, who has not lived this nightmare.

Sharing what my mind does everyday to me, has driven them nuts.

Now, I am not sharing with anyone, this blog is it.

It hurts to know none of my friends have a clue, how I suffer.

In a way, I am glad, no way they need to suffer.

People can not fix us, that compassion turns to frustration.

Better to suffer in silence. My opinion.

Sharing my life, my trauma, is not safe with regular folk, now.

Life has quiet, silent moments now, part of me is not of this world.

I am attached to so few human beings, now.

The quiet brings solace to my damaged soul.

Happiness happens when I am alone, at least I can find it.

Being safe or trusting others will never be part of my life.

Being severely abused as a kid has life long consequences.

People will always be dangerous for me.

Navigate that childhood terror.

Why others read my blog is a mystery.

I hurt to my very core.

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Updated: Awareness: know your trauma Patterns

An example of what a functional MRI scan looks like. Brain activation is averaged across 20 PTSD patients compared to healthy controls in an emotion regulation task.

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Yes, I am drawing a pattern out of only two episodes of trauma in my life.

Here are a few patterns I notice.

The obvious, my trauma buries itself quite deeply for decades.

This pattern allows trauma to have subconscious impact without anytime spent trying to heal.

My childhood abuse did not erupt until I was in my fifties.

Secondly, the first couple of months are extremely intense.

My nervous system is agitated and intrusive thoughts seem to come at a rate of a Gatling gun firing.

I see that my whole personality changes.

One of my symptoms brings the feeling of imminent danger to my being.

It is irrational and very confusing.

Imminent danger for me is not physical, I fear the annihilating of my ego, emotional death in a sense.

I am intense, consumed and out of my gourd for a couple months.

You have witnessed this in my recent posts.

I sound and act like a victim, hopeless, helpless, it is embarrassing but sharing will help others push through their humiliating thoughts.

At my lowest, agoraphobic, hiding in my dark garage during the day, I thought something was going to come through the tile roof and do something worse than death.

Look how abstract that fear is. I have no idea what is coming through the roof, man, animal or alien.

My danger does not need a gender or even an origin but it is what I fear most, the unknown.

PTSD has that unknown quality about it.

The tragic memory is incomplete at the time trauma happens.

If it happened in childhood, the brain has not fully developed, storing an incomplete, distorted memory.

Somewhere in our background we need that skill that does not give up when all Common sense says it is the prudent choice.

At my lowest, Agoraphobic, contemplating suicide, a moment of clarity and strength surfaced for me.

From somewhere deep inside my head, the words, my abuser, my dad wins if I give up.

That may seem a feeble judgment by some, but every fiber in my body would not allow him to win.

In a crazy moment of crisis, I accepted my suffering, decided I would rather sit and suffer than let my dad win.

I did not realize this was a pivotal moment on my healing journey, inside my ego, that inner voice knew I would never give up.

Healing from PTSD is a war zone, expect the turmoil as part of the journey.

Ironically, surviving my fathers abuse developed the traits that helped me heal.

We have to fight for our wellbeing, fight the demons our childhoods created.

Thoughts?

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PTSD. Versus C-PTSD

https://www.atrapamente.com/en/guides/post/understand-PTSD/

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Childhood abuse is much more insidious because the mind was not developed fully when we were abused.

Abuse will always be part of our life, maybe a dominant factor.

This does not minimize PTSD, just points out the complexity of repeated abuse and its damage.

The healing path is the same just more arduous.

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PTSD: Misconceptions of normal people are GLARING!

https://www.atrapamente.com/en/guides/post/understand-PTSD/

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Trauma is stored in fragmented, biased snippets during a perceived lethal threat..

Talking to it, reasoning with it or trying to influence it cognitively (consciously) is impossible.

Intrusive thoughts and PTSD have their own engine, their own leadership, their own schedule.

PTSD triggers and plays when it wants.

We do not control anything but our reaction.

We can resist and let thoughts go, but if you have experienced severe PTSD you know the storyline never stops sometimes.

Normal people think with their normal rational minds how easy it is to heal. Just stop thinking about it.

How nice, how clueless, how damaging.

PTSD is irrational and gets worse with their idea of control.

I been judged, laughed at and humiliated because of my PTSD.

Navigating regular life and people without PTSD is an issue that never goes away.

We do not fit in, we have periods where we are much different, much more guarded, much more concerned about our safety.

Even people who are friends, who have seen you suffer will tell you to get over it after a while.

It wears them out watching us suffer, then they get frustrated and lash out.

It just happened to me again. I cut contact and isolate, it hurts.

Trust is already hard, this makes it worse.

Normal people have no idea what it is like to hide away as an adult in your room for days, emotionally destroyed from the monster hiding inside our head.

Our minds play terror events at a rapid pace, cortisol and adrenaline flow, numbing drugs and coagulants are secreted for battle.

It is an invisible war, inside an invisible prison (PTSD).

How could we as infants escape our life sentence?

Instead of criticizing PTSD people, they should give ultimate gratitude they did not have to live our childhoods.

Peer pressure causes us to retreat, we start losing trust in people who can not understand us.

Every symptom and consequence of Childhood abuse has driven me towards isolation.

How about you?

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https://www.atrapamente.com/en/guides/post/understand-PTSD/

PTSD has exploded with old age, retirement

A rare peak behind the curtain the real me.

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Work and play always kept that demon inside, chasing me at bay.

With retirement and large swaths of time to think, I finally see my life, the big picture.

I am devastated.

Like many, we did not have a chance as little kids.

My childhood abuse followed me into college, where betrayal broke that abused little boys back.

It was stored as the most horrific thing that ever happened to me. I can not change how this was stored, the intensity or the harm or the event itself. Oh I have tried.

I never realized, I should never have entered a relationship with a partner, ever. I did not know the risk, the damage for life that would happen.

Childhood abuse left me damaged and incapable of ever handling betrayal, let alone public ridicule. My father so isolated me, I never confided in a soul.

I did not have anyone I trusted, anyone I would ever share humiliation, shame, loss or weakness with.

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I lived life inside my head, alone, since childhood. I was extremely vulnerable and had no clue.

I have paid a heavy price for loving someone. I never trusted a mate again. It was not conscious or cognitive, everytime a girlfriend or wife would go out alone, my bags were packed.

I did not understand why my gut would churn, my nervous system would go to tilt or why I suffered. This always caused conflict and suffering for me.

It was impossible for me to attach in a healthy way. But it felt like failure to be single.

I found it impossible to be close or trust any partner after college. I gave what was available, much of me had shut down without me knowing it.

PTSD was alive but I never knew it.

My cognitive rationalizations now, common sense, can not reach this nightmare. We can not cognitively reach ptsd or change it by talking to it, like many think.

It plays in a venue that thinks its worse than death. Somehow I need to proces this, integrate this, not try to change it.

Hard for an old guy to handle this level of anxiety, humiliation and outright fear, now.

How in the world do you fix this?

I have done the work, journeyed for a decade on the road less traveled and this is what remains.

PTSD does not care, we can suffer till we die.

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Our thoughts and behavior are different not less!

https://pixabay.com/users/peggy_marco-1553824/

I have many trophies, many accomplishments, never could turn them in for even a day with peace of mind (happiness).

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We have to become aware when we stick out, when our different thoughts and mind shows.

Some of my friends sày things consume me. They tell me I am different. I believe them. I know I am!

On a dating app, I shared my blog with an attractive female. Her response, she could never date someone who had a violent childhood like mine. My life shocked someone this bad.

How do you process that sentiment ?

Damn, more judgment and rejection. I did not abuse myself. Why should I be special, people hate because of skin color and politics these days.

Expect to be treated unfair and harsh at times. The world is not going to adjust to our PTSD needs.

I tried my damndest to fit in, be invisible, be one of the guys.

It felt like failure to be ostracized.

I judged myself as defective, as my peers did. Sports gave me status, my saving grace.

It was not happiness but it gave me some shade.

Now, I do not try to fit in.

It’s a big burden lifted. I do not need approval of others to complete myself anymore.

I see politicians with millions of loyal supporters seeking revenge.

Approval does not contain wellbeing or happiness. Movie stars would all live euphoric lives. Sadness would never visit their mansions.

Approval in fact is connected to criticism.

One who showers you with big approval, also carries big criticism in his/her bag.

Watch out!

Judgments are so impermanent, hard to believe we crave approval.

These attachments steal our focus.

Can you curb your need for approval?

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This is our path, our battle

https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

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Excerpt: “The Neuroscience of Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse”

“The damage to the amygdala of the victims of narcissistic abuse become trapped in a permanent state of fear and anxiety and react badly to environmental triggers that remind them of the violation by the narcissist.

This means that victims of narcissistic abuse are constantly alert to the danger that does not exist now.”

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My two cents: I realize now, my life has been lived alert to danger since college, in sort of survival mode.

In spite of damaged amygdala and hippocampus, my not giving up part of my mind grew to compensate.

In spite of this, I am opening up my heart, still taking risks and trying to heal.

It is our path, people.

Join me, take action.

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The Brains Narcissistically Abused Children

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The Neuroscience of Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse

Excerpt:

Narcissistic abuse is the psychological, sexual, financial, and physical abuse of others by a narcissist. Children of narcissists also, like their parent(s), form brain damage from maltreatment.

When children suffer at the hands of a narcissistic abuser, some crucial brain regions are affected, including damage to the hippocampus and amygdala. These changes lead to devastating effects on the lives of these children.

The hippocampus is essential for learning, and the development of memories and the amygdala is where emotions like fear, guilt, envy, and shame are born.

Overstimulation by an abusive parent(s) of these vital areas in the brain leaves the child with a shrunken hippocampus and amygdala.

Because these regions are smaller than average, the child will grow into adulthood with a sincere lack of the ability to handle their own emotions, especially those of shame and guilt.

The damage to the amygdala of the victims of narcissistic abuse become trapped in a permanent state of fear and anxiety and react badly to environmental triggers that remind them of the violation by the narcissist.

This means that victims of narcissistic abuse are constantly alert to the danger that does not exist now.

This hypervigilance leads children of narcissists also leads to panic attacks, phobias, and other panic disorders that significantly inhibit them from living full and productive lives.

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My two cents: A narcissistic (my dad) parent will keep their target in constant survival mode. More control that way.

I understand his tactics and purpose now. Nothing to do with me, it was all his shit.

Remember their empathy center is not working.

My father was not capable of feeling compassion for me.

I was an it to him.

He never said a kind word to me, I remember.

Good to know why my thoughts are so much different than a normal person.

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Common sense versus Irrational PTSD

https://pixabay.com/users/piro4d-2707530/

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I studied and studied, then isolated my trigger experiences.

My solar plexus would be violently jolted, numbing, then freezing me. Breathing became difficult, unknown fear paralyzed me.

So I ran, avoided, denied and tried to think my way out.

I feared that next explosion.

This scenario repeated itself for years.

Then I realized after being paralyzed with cortisol and adrenaline, ten minutes later everything calmed.

I was fine, just the same, ten minutes later.

So, if no real harm ever happened, why did I fear the next explosion.

That’s part of the irrational nature of PTSD.

We can not see its weaknesses.

There were no real consequences. Nothing permanent.

For me, I described it as a bluff.

It is a bully, it threatens with damage and has the key to our fight or flight mechanism, but it has no teeth.

Follow your next trigger exploding, feel all of it.

Feel its strength without resisting, then follow it as it fades in short time.

I realized my fight or flight had fired over and over without damaging me.

Be a detective.

Follow a trigger exploding all the way to feeling calm again.

Observe, not judge it.

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