. . My online kundalini teacher passed away yesterday. She was only 51.
There was something special about Jenn, a quality, a fearlessness, and a selfless way of living. I found her meditation group online during covid.
After five years at a zen center, no one resembled her. I sensed a special being, a selfless warrior who placed herself in the middle of others’ trauma without fear for her mental health.
Meticulously I showed up every day trying to understand how she became who she was. Somehow, someway, she elevated her being.
Jenn had a way of making you feel safe. She would make time between appointments to talk to me. I always felt better after our conversations.
Jenn was the purest person, charismatic to a fault that I have ever come across.
She always had a different perspective, outside the box.
Here is an example:
“Pray for yourself to find peace and healing, pray for them to do the same, pray for forgiveness to release yourself and forgiveness to release them. Pray for an opening in your ego to allow the heart to temper it all with love and grace.”
We all feel blessed to have known her and feel a void now that she has passed.
. In the beginning, I learned to avoid my triggers, yearned to keep my fight or flight mechanism from firing, and yearned to let go of all the intrusive thoughts.
Using meditation, I learned to focus and stay present when amid a trigger firing. This was the first step in trying to neutralize the impact of my adrenal stress response.
My nervous system settled, limiting both the intensity and frequency of triggers firing.
The next step was searching out trigger situations, then sitting in the middle of them until they calmed.
This part of healing was gratifying and freeing.
Then covid quarantine uncovered more trauma and all hell broke loose again.
My triggers do not fire violently anymore but my system still fills with anxiety and negative emotions.
After all this healing and hard work, avoiding and isolating are still coping strategies.
Some of the deep, dark vulnerabilities are hard-wired from my childhood.
How normal people socialize so freely and without fear or anxiety puzzles me.
Looking back, I can see high levels of anxiety and fear were always present in my life.
From childhood on these high levels were normal for me. . .
Fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, lack of trust, heightened sense of danger (hypervigilance), the anticipation of significant loss or worry, and a strong drive to avoid or isolate.
As everyone describes the benefits of community, of healthy attachment, we feel the opposite and take action to avoid people and organizations.
We have an issue with our safety, as a child, we never felt safe.
I think this fear drives us to isolate or avoid people.
It is hard to understand this cognitively, most feelings are subconscious, abstract, and confusing.
All of this is complicated by the way trauma is stored in a high-priority way and in a place we do not have conscious access.
PTSD has its own key to our defense mechanism, and our fear drugs (cortisol and adrenaline).
This feels like real power, real danger, and real harm.
Knowing these mechanisms of PTSD can help us navigate better. . .
BPD (sometimes called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, or EUPD) is a lifelong mood disorder which can affect how someone thinks, feels, perceives, and relates to others.
People with BPD may struggle with a fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviour, intense emotions and relationships, and an unstable self-image.
Although there’s no single cause, research suggests genetics and brain chemistry may make someone more susceptible to the condition.
BPD often stems from prolonged childhood trauma, which can also increase someone’s chance of developing PTSD. PTSD is a psychological response to a traumatic event (which of course might include childhood events).
The symptoms of PTSD can include flashbacks, depression, anxiety, shame, anger and relationship problems.
Can someone have both BPD and PTSD?
It’s thought that between 25% and 60% of people with BPD also have PTSD. This could be because living with a mood disorder can both increase the risk of experiencing a traumatic situation, and make it more likely that experiencing a traumatic event leads to PTSD.
When someone has both conditions, the symptoms tend to be worse than if they had BPD or PTSD alone.
PTSD can increase the likelihood of dissociative, intrusive and suicidal thoughts in people with BPD.
That’s why it’s so important to get the correct diagnosis.
Making a correct diagnosis for BPD or PTSD
BPD can sometimes be mistaken for PTSD or C-PTSD, and vice-versa.
C-PTSD is a subset of PTSD which is associated with long-term or chronic exposure to trauma – much like BPD.
Both can cause emotional distress, mood swings, flashbacks, anxiety and anger.
It’s thought there are some generalised key differences to look out for, but of course, everybody is different:
Although both conditions can lead to problems maintaining personal relationships, people with BPD tend to fear abandonment, whereas people with C-PTSD may avoid intimacy or relationships altogether because of ‘feeling somehow unlovable or undeserving because of the abuse they endured’.
People with BPD are more likely to self-harm, than people with PTSD or C-PTSD.
‘While both those with BPD and C-PTSD struggle with emotional regulation and often experience outbursts of anger or crying, those with C-PTSD may experience emotional numbing, emptiness, or a detachment from emotions.’
Someone with PTSD may be calmed by going to a familiar environment and being reassured that they are safe. This might irritate someone with BPD, who may respond more positively to being told their feelings are valid.
People with PTSD are more likely to be triggered by a specific external trigger and think and behave rationally outside those triggers.
For people with BPD, the triggers tend to be internal thoughts and feelings, which can be less predictable.
Unfortunately, because of the overlap in symptoms, and because some differences appear similar from the outside, some people with C-PTSD end up being misdiagnosed with BPD, or vice-versa.
Sometimes someone will have both conditions, but only one is picked up.” . .
PTSD - A Way Out.com 
