30 Apr
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“When the past calls, let it go to voicemail, believe me, it has nothing new to say.”
– Unknown –
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My two cents: A motto to live by for PTSD sufferers.
The past holds suffering for us, it is the freeway of pain.
The present moment holds opportunity and freedom.
The past triggers me.
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29 Apr
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Childhood abuse clouds my already sparse memory.
Large swaths of time are absent, my memories are distorted and sequentially hard to decipher.
Traumatic memories (triggers) on the other hand are clear, vivid, and powerful.
We all slow down on the interstate to see the grizzly accident, watch the nightly news dominated by sensational crimes and tragedies, while the mundane or normal parts of life go unnoticed.
The traumatic incidents we endure are stored in a special space, we label them implicit memories.
These memories are offline or not reachable consciously, stored in the right amygdala.
So trauma or implicit memory has an abstract quality, PTSD fear is a reaction to a perceived lethal threat.
I know my triggers are more benign than dangerous.
I still do not trust people, avoid crowds and carry an enormous amount of worry.
That’s powerful for what I consider a benign symptom.
Does anyone understand this?
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28 Apr
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For abused kids, PTSD happens way before we have any understanding of trauma.
For me, PTSD came into my consciousness around 55 after a family crisis.
Many subconscious symptoms had become habits, under the radar during those 50 years.
I always avoided, isolated without knowing the reason.
We call ourselves homebodies, a pleasant way of saying, loners.
My circle of friends was small, trust was always an issue in my life.
As I peruse my life at 70, this is the landscape.
I can change some things and strive to improve what is possible.
Even if we have to swim upstream, we have to swim or suffer.
We just do not get as far as regular humans.
I never expect to be normal, my expectations are grounded and doable.
We all can improve, that is our daily challenge.
This is our daily battle of doing the work, the road less traveled.
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It is easy to give up, to numb ourselves, to act like a victim.
Being scared, vulnerable but still taking action is our goal.
PTSD is a very personal disorder, our sanity is at stake.
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27 Apr
I was triggered yesterday in the online Kundalini group. We have a daily online group at 7 am During the week and at 8 am on weekends.
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We have a WhatsApp group chat to facilitate sharing and community.
I experienced the PTSD upset, a sense of danger, the physical reaction, intense sweating, and intrusive thoughts.
Instead of isolating myself, I shared my experience with the group.
Inside this group, I feel respected and safe.
That sounds like trust.
It can sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Sometimes we have to lean in more, risk a little more and do the opposite of what PTSD wants us to do.
Instead of the usual aftermath of being triggered, isolated and upset, I feel part of the group, calm, and included.
They supported me and gave me great feedback and empathy.
PTSD still rages at times but as Rudid96 says, I will continue swimming upstream for a while.
P.S. What a pain in the ass I must be. I am a lightning rod for discussion, never at a loss for topics.
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26 Apr
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People think Healing is a simple action, we are weak in their minds.
All we have to do is not think about the abuse or abuser.
People do not understand Complex PTSD, serious childhood abuse, or us.
If it were a physical wound, a big nasty boil, or maybe us in a wheelchair, people would treat us differently.
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Tell a woman who was sexually molested by her dad to just stay present and not think about it.
In my mind that is cruel and damaging, uninformed.
We are failures in their judgment.
I know I am for some of my former friends.
I know better than reacting but I get triggered, then anger seeps in.
Navigating people is an adventure and not a pleasant one most of the time.
I wonder if they know the damage that is possible.
I doubt it from their words.
How do we attach to and navigate people, strangers, friends, or enemies?
No wonder we isolate, we want to feel safe, understood, and respected.
Do you feel understood, safe, and respected by people?
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22 Apr
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“Still, some people are high in one and low in the other, and there are traits that are related to happiness but not to meaning, and vice versa.
Here are four differences.
20 Apr
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What is it, the fabric of life we are missing?
What do normal people feel towards each other?
I would never risk what they do. My nervous system would explode taking risks like that.
We do not understand, we opt out for isolation and avoidance, while they attach and congregate.
We feel Danger, fear strangers, they see opportunity and inclusion.
When it comes to attachment and trust normal people thrive, we are the opposite.
Take a normal person’s life and compare it to one of us.
They belong to organizations, neighborhood things, churches, etc., we may be estranged from our families, isolated and join damn near nothing.
Our friends form a tiny circle, it’s how an abused kid survives as an adult.
We limit our chances for betrayal, that’s always seems the best option.
How do you act when going out leads to more symptoms and suffering? I been there, done that for a couple years, it’s not fun.
Lack of Trust and attachment I believe is the cause of our sorrow.
I have no idea how to trust at a deep level, have tried many ways to grow my trust.
My family and I agreed to never speak for two decades.
If I can cut out my family for 20 years, I can cut out almost anyone.
I did not trust them either. Asked for help and they denied my PTSD.
Does trust and attachment form in childhood?
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19 Apr
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We do not want to be part of the walking wounded, we yearn to be normal, to fit in, to feel safe and accepted.
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We loathe how we feel about ourselves, unworthy, flawed, outcasts!
All the hard work to improve and act normal still finds us more isolated and buried in traumatic thoughts.
After a decade of intense healing, PTSD still haunts my being.
PTSD has changed over the years, gone is the fight or flight mechanism firing, gone is the intense fear, replaced by thoughts, hate, resentment, and depression.
Where others see attachments as beneficial, I see the chance for betrayal, this perceived danger is powerful inside my brain.
All therapeutic endeavors and meditation have helped me improve, healing is impossible in my opinion.
Show me serious childhood abuse being healed completely. Show me a happy, free-flowing life after serious childhood abuse. Show me more than a few isolated successes.
How do you heal completely? I see a sea of suffering and pain instead.
It is a fear that revs up my nervous system and makes suffering a part of every thought, life is worse than miserable.
PTSD people will understand the last sentence, and normal people will have no clue what I meant.
I guess our dreams were shattered in childhood, and our ability to trust pretty much destroyed.
I fear certain things more than death, always have.
Of course, I envision a peaceful death, not being burnt alive or tortured.
Do you have these thoughts, my normal friends never do.
What is the craziest thing a friend has commented on your PTSD behavior?
Do you feel broken?
I walk zombie-like around people, feeling vulnerable, exposed, fearful, and anxious.
Is that PTSD or just my personality after childhood?
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18 Apr
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The beatings have faded into obscurity, the pain long since past, almost forgotten.
The emotional scars were written in indelible ink.
They seem to have a lasting impact, resilient beyond necessity.
We are part of the walking wounded, still participating when we determine the risk is favorable.
On a bad day, I am risking little, more likely playing defense or hiding at home.
Life is a minefield, a battle inside our mind, thoughts wage an internal war.
The battle seems to never end, victories never vanquish the foe.
Is this our cross to bear?
PTSD has always been with me, I did not choose to be abused or be born into an abusive family.
My chronic pain is similar, a constant companion, it also ebbs and flows with stimulation.
Pain is unwanted as much as PTSD.
Pain and PTSD fluctuate at certain times, from active and painful to almost dormant.
Something is influencing the changes.
Infer that we can influence pain and PTSD also.
I am much better at managing my chronic pain than PTSD.
PTSD has a power source and capability of running on its own.
Normal people express so much deeper connection to one another. They trust each other at a level I would find dangerous.
I lack enough trust that I do not even understand the connection.
I have all the same positive emotions like a normal person, sadly mine has been hidden by abuse, pain, and fear.
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18 Apr
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Survivor label makes me uncomfortable, I wake up every day and live what’s left.
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If that’s survival, it’s not something I ever aspired to, something maybe a step up from homelessness.
How do we describe our lives?
Do you have a clue?
I am haunted, like a horror film, that’s my PTSD life, extreme fear, paralyzing numbness, anxious feelings close to puking.
This started in high school! No need for superlative adjectives to dramatize the impact.
Serious PTSD never disappears, it is a matter of intensity and duration.
How much of your day does PTSD DOMINATE?
Do you see your path to wellbeing clearly?
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 