Posts Tagged ‘MEDITATION’

My Spiritual Teacher poses questions for me

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My spiritual teacher says, my “Ego” did his job extremely well and helped me survive childhood. Wow.

Thank him and soothe him, do not battle and interrogate him.

She talks about our divine masculine and feminine sides.

Funny, she says my feminine side is active, look at my empathy not repeating what my dad did to me. Interesting concept.

Had to digest those words for a while.

Maybe having the abuse I endured through childhood, gave me a better life than being in another environment. Her words bring ideas I have never imagined.

I realize all my PTSD symptoms are directly related to my “Ego”.

If I meditate, focus intently, my PTSD goes away, along with my “Ego” for a while.

My era is filled with toxic masculinity, a denial of emotions being thought of as strength.

That adds up to a flawed “Ego”, an intolerant, angry, anxious guy.

I need to filter my “Ego” through my heart. Cleanse it of the damage it accumulated navigating through childhood trauma.

Rarely, if at all, has therapy addressed my heart.

When the heart is in observer role, we are at a deeper, spiritual level.

This all resonates with me.

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Eight Keys to Forgiveness: Part 3

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5. Find meaning in your suffering

When we suffer a great deal, it is important that we find meaning in what we have endured.

Without seeing meaning, a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to hopelessness and a despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life itself.

That doesn’t mean we look for suffering in order to grow or try to find goodness in another’s bad actions. Instead, we try to see how our suffering has changed us in a positive way.

Even as one suffers, it’s possible to develop short-term and sometimes long-range goals in life. Some people begin to think about how they can use their suffering to cope, because they’ve become more resilient or brave.

They may also realize that their suffering has altered their perspective regarding what is important in life, changing their long-range goals for themselves.

To find meaning is not to diminish your pain or to say, I’ll just make the best of it or All things happen for a reason.

You must always take care to address the woundedness in yourself and to recognize the injustice of the experience, or forgiveness will be shallow.

Still, there are many ways to find meaning in our suffering. Some may choose to focus more on the beauty of the world or decide to give service to others in need.

Some may find meaning by speaking their truth or by strengthening their inner resolve. If I were to give one answer, it would be that we should use our suffering to become more loving and to pass that love onto others.

Finding meaning, in and of itself, is helpful for finding direction in forgiveness.

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My two cents: At 69 it is hard to find meaning in my suffering. Finding purpose has been just as difficult.

My purpose was to survive my childhood, direction got lost as my safety was at great risk.

As far as purpose, my father told me what to think, how to act, who to hate and how much better I needed to be than everyone else.

I never developed my own purpose, it was not allowed in my childhood.

At 69 all I can remember is the battle to survive, not to repeat the abuse I endured or commit suicide.

I do not see the purpose of my suffering.

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A conversation with my therapist

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My relationship with my therapist is unique, very open, and I sense a true concern for my healing. He recognizes my knowledge of PTSD and effort trying to heal.

Serious trauma before the brain develops has so many more tentacles hidden inside. Survival mode shuts down many needed brain developmental functions. Building attachments, social skills, feeling safe and trust suffer in survival mode.

He said some childhood trauma gets hard wired inside brain development, unplugging this will be arduous if possible.

My mind learned to lock on to my fathers mood at all times. My therapist said this was real, abuse happened every week, and I lived in survival mode. A mind does not develop correctly while in survival mode.

PTSD being a choice: He laughed and said very few people understand serious childhood trauma. What people say can do damage, it’s like others trying to place blame or guilt on us for our PTSD.

A response yesterday: “Try focusing on something else besides all your traumas. Design & build something with your hands. Incorporate your grandkids into new projects.”

A normal brain can not fathom intrusive thoughts. That is your mind running full speed on its own, bombarding us with zillions of trauma dangers. Building things is a distraction, a good action but does nothing to heal trauma or stop the intrusive thoughts.

Subconsciously our minds search for danger in every situation without thought. This is survival mode or the hybrid that still lives inside me.

Loss is big for serious abused kids.

At 69 I still fear being a failure. I had to search deep while meditating to uncover these subconscious worries.

My actions mirror this behavior but consciously I did not have those thoughts.

I see now that I have always lived in some semblance of survival mode.

That’s all I knew as a kid. It is hard wired. I hit overload if you put me in a crowd.

It is not enjoyable. How do you fix not trusting on top of all the other PTSD symptoms?

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The Relationship between Ego and PTSD

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One Ego is never equal to another Ego, here in lies the rub of life.

Sit down at a table of ten people and our Ego will rank where we fit in, before we can even think.

The Ego is our ultimate comparing machine. He/She is the one who gets pissed, angry, upset, jealous and resentful.

Not knowing and not caring about our wellbeing is another trait of our created identity figure, our Ego.

Inside our brain (mind) trauma (PTSD) wants top billing, wants all the oxygen in the room. He gets that and more at times.

Our Ego’s Goal is always to dominate our life with tons of thought. Ego’s want total control of our mind.

PTSD gives our Ego total control of our being at times.

My Ego wants to convince me, my trauma is worse than others PTSD.

Suffering more helps my Ego stay in power.

Our Ego distorts the damage past trauma has done.

Take a step back and observe how your Ego impacts PTSD.

It takes a lot of inward exploration to solve the riddle of our created Ego!

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Stored trauma has an irrational voice

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Feeling like I had improved, my symptoms were calmer, my days freer, life was pleasant for a two year period.

This improvement came after 8 years of daily work and practice.

Now a long hidden trauma exploded into my consciousness.

This stored trauma has changed the narrative of my life.

This single event changed my life, the narrative my trauma shouts at me.

My Intrusive trauma thoughts are irrational, incomplete and violent. I know this is not close to reality, highly biased and distorted.

In reality, it destroyed trust, the rest of my life continued.

PTSD is all powerful when we feed it, he can consume all of me.

I have tools that limit the impact of PTSD, also a safe space while meditating, anywhere, anytime.

Expecting my life to be free of Ptsd or easy brings only loss and misery.

Accepting what our life is, all of it, good and bad, is the road less traveled.

Other roads are just dead ends or detours to being stuck.

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A follower Rudid96 asks about the See-Saw quality of PTSD

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The see-saw quality of PTSD: Traumas ability to enter our consciousness when he/she feels like it.

PTSD demonstrates separate qualities, a stand alone power source and a tight relationship with our negative emotions.

My image of PTSD is a roller coaster, a big, tall monster of a ride.

In real life my lows are much deeper than the highs.

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The highs are always guarded, not trusting what the world has in store next.

Explanation: In childhood I had no control, no impact on what would happen to me.

Life since childhood carries that harmful unknown, out there, just beyond my visual reach.

Our traumatized mind scours the future incessantly looking to avoid more damage.

Such a waste of time, it happens automatically without directed thought from me.

My behavior has never caused my trauma, so I had no control over the outcome of my PTSD.

My personality was hard wired feeling like this..

When Trauma erupts, ignoring it is quite impossible, so we either avoid it or work to improve it.

This dominates life, I avoided, hiding in my dark garage, the only flaw was bringing my traumatized 🧠 brain with me.

I isolated physically for six months, my trauma filled brain (mind) still dominated life, if I was alone or amongst 30,000.

Back to basics, accept and try to release, exercise to deplete the cortisol or meditate.

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I have read that trauma (PTSD, C-PTSD) is an unfinished play

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I have read that trauma (PTSD, C-PTSD) is an unfinished play, it has a beginning and a middle but lacks an ending, closure.

Maybe this is why some horrific events never die inside us.

Cognitively we search to understand why, sometimes how, and always look to escape the unescapable, our past.

Similar to our childhoods, escape was impossible, mine was a prison without bars.

From my earliest childhood I have never felt calm, safe or worthy.

I was very accomplished and physically powerful, all that was a facade.

In my mind, I thought certain accomplishments could bring me joy, wellbeing.

Chasing anything external will not lesson PTSD’s impact.

The demon lives inside us, no one else has access.

Others can help but our path to improve is inward, and intuitive.

I have helped a few improve from PTSD, my involvement was technique, experience, tools, direction and enthusiasm, they did the work on their own.

In times like this, when nothing seems to work, when the mind churns up the thought, this is hopeless, we need to keep our activity and determination filled with energy and action.

I have felt hopeless, helpless many times on my journey, this is the time we find out if we do have courage.

As long as we do not quit in our lowest moments, do not give up, we will survive.

The world will never see what trauma has done to our minds.

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Reflections

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My daughter says I try to do things heroically at times.

That stung!

Instead of just healing, I ran a mindfulness group and a blog. Does she have a point, some truth in her statement.

I am guilty, oh my.

In the chronic pain group of 15, I threw my pills away and started hiking uphill strenuously. My therapist thought that was dramatic.

Maybe so, but it worked and I helped one other quit most of his meds, the rest suffered miserably.

Wow am I a drama king?

I do not apologize for my actions there. How many chronic pain patients quit their pain killers on their own?

Not many.

When I was paralyzed from guillian beret, in pain, in rehab, I refused to pace myself. They always preached, do not overtrain.

I said no, you have no idea where overtraining was at.

Arrogant as hell, I said I am an ex pro athlete and a meditator, I am different.

That embarrasses me, such arrogance, it is how athletes compete beyond their abilities.

I did their routine and then put my legs under the biggest load they could handle.

From being told I would be paralyzed, in that wheelchair a minimum of one, maybe two years, needing special chairs and nurses, ten days later I took three steps.

They were surprised. I told them if my upper legs fired, the rest of my body would follow. It happened.

To me this was not heroic. They put me in a gym, called it physical therapy, with an important goal, my life, and nothing else to occupy my mind.

Many of my peers, pro athletes could have done the same thing. We are trained to handle a load like this.

I am excellent at physical challenges, PTSD is my kryptonite.

Our greatest challenges come from our weaknesses people.

This one is kicking my ass lately.

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PTSD: Things that are automatic; Worry

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Pinterest: Zachary Phillips

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Worry.

Worry starts way before thought for me. I know the reasons, know that severe trauma in childhood impacts our genes and undeveloped brain.

My mind worries subconsciously. I have observed it, felt how even in happy times, I never felt safe or free.

I guess it stems from the inevitability of being a prisoner, I could not escape my father, I was trapped, isolated, helpless.

My father told me athletically I needed to be twice as good as everyone else, so no one would question him as coach.

With his constant criticism, this mantra evolved into I need to be twice as good as others just to be normal. Adding to this, school brought ridicule from having a big nose.

Nowhere was safe and free in childhood.

I tried to be perfect everyday. It was the only way I could survive.

That is immense pressure on an extremely unworthy kid.

Worry was always close, always percolating, always with a level of hypervigilance, on guard, life was never safe.

In childhood my worries were accurate, and every week there would be violent beatings and criticism.

When my PTSD is active, danger is alive, close and worry becomes acute.

My work, my goal is twofold. First unplug worry when it surfaces, second change the subconscious patterns.

Exploring my inner world has revealed a mind that is partially hijacked from PTSD.

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Observing my mind::::::::::::Patterns

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Observing my mind during morning meditation, using that space between me and the thoughts, I saw my mind’s pattern.

Before meditating, an email bill from Comcast was double a normal month, my mind engaged automatically.

Ten minutes later focused on the breath, my mind added many trauma worries from the past, emotionally charged events, then I saw my survival mode from a distance.

Subconsciously my mind has always hunted for danger, things that would worry me. My father raised me with violent criticism, he never said a kind word.

I had to know where he was, what mood he was in and make sure I did not do anything to disappoint him.

He wanted perfection, a cold narcissist, fear was my closest companion.

This explains the depth of what I am trying to modify. I would be frustrated if Healing was expected to be easy or quick.

Meditation has allowed me to observe my mind from a distance, I watch my thoughts and patterns at times.

It is scary, depressing to admit or write it down to share.

A decade of therapy has helped me improve, but my mind has always functioned in a hybrid survival mode.

When my complex PTSD is active, survival mode is intense, spotting danger gets the highest clearance. Looking back, I lived in some form of survival mode everyday.

Even when things were going well, feeling some happiness, I was on guard, never trusting life fully. That is difficult to write and know it is true.

I strive to change this everyday.

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