Posts Tagged ‘Judgment’

Childhood abuse: Formation of our Ego

Dr. Anne Brown



Our Ego should be carefully created like a resume. A lively rejoice of our great qualities.

Wow, I wish with all my heart.

Resumes do not have any negative words, admission of loss or highlighted weaknesses.

Abused kids create an Ego that is flawed, it has elements of unworthiness, as it creates not only a damaged Ego but a dangerous world.

Our created Ego has never known a time without abuse, he/she never has experienced what normal people think or feel.

Attachments are dysfunctional and abusive in our childhoods.

My low was not thinking I had a right to be alive. True story.

It is insidious as a disease the way it impacts our mind and heart.

I have worked many hours recreating a normal Ego, but stress or crisis brings PTSD and the old Ego thrives.

Our self image was distorted by abuse and criticism, we never felt good enough, this feeling seems to be there from birth for us.

It is haunting not to have a memory where we felt ok, normal, deserving.

Creating a new Ego, working feverishly to heal, has only garnered short periods of freedom from my abused Ego.

He feels so hard wired, I have no remembrance of feeling ok, ever.

How are we supposed to feel? What do kids not abused feel like?

My abuse plays everyday, on its own, it brings not good enough trauma, it brings shame.

Every day I try to distract my mind, try to let the shame go, try to stay present.

I am exhausted and worn down from the constant onslaught of intrusive thoughts.

My mind is attacking my sanity.

It does not care that it harms the host.

That is childhood abuse matured into adult Complex PTSD.



PTSD uses thought and emotion to gain control



PTSD uses certain emotions to gain control, yes it’s part of the Thinker, our Ego.

Our Ego wants total control, even in a person with no history of abuse. We are easy targets when the Ego has PTSD as a weapon or when PTSD has the Ego to dominate. Pick your poison.

PTSD brings guilt to our core. Why should we ever feel guilty for being abused, yes it’s all irrational.

PTSD distorts time, memory and our sanity.

Fear of the unknown, what’s going to happen, when is the next tragedy for us, reverberates within traumas thoughts. We are always on guard, danger is close, we sense.

Trauma, PTSD, has created an alternate world that has no safety or wellbeing for us. We live in a world influenced by things out of our consciousness, PTSD.

We can get trapped inside our thoughts and feelings without realizing it. No one is going to understand.

That’s the other sad part about childhood abuse, none of your friends or enemies will ever know the hell we endure. They will feel helpless not being able to stop our suffering.

Then, there is the fear, the doom, the knowing that things have never turned out ok for us.

Our memories are like Swiss cheese. A child without abuse has a vivid memory of childhood.

We have spotty, violent nightmares, emotionally devastating snippets of abuse called memory.

Good memories are not accessible for me, my memories are of abusé, loss and betrayal. If I have good memories, I am not aware of them.

That’s sad, as I read it.

So looking back has nothing but suffering for me and probably you.

We carry all the fear and ways to escape our abuser into adulthood subconsciously.

Anyone who slightly resembles my fathers behavior, jolts my nervous system.

What do you carry with you?



When PTSD is percolating: What’s it like?




What is a day like when PTSD is active, alive and percolating.

In as little as five seconds it has grasped our consciousness with an old, traumatic, intrusive thought.

My head drops, the strong emotions churn my stomach, somehow they are alive and intense.

Some days this happens multiple times each hour, others days it can run constantly without any input from me.

No way to unring that trauma 🛎 bell.

Best I can do is limit its duration.

When active these thoughts, fear and humiliation haunt my consciousness.

My damn mind, in an insidious way, is enthralled with my worst trauma.

I beat it back, let it go, focus and meditate but he is always right under the surface.

Maybe in due time, I will Succeed but for now life has suffering.

I have come to the point where I accept my suffering.

Running from it or denying it exists, brings more grief.

Accepting my suffering, let’s me not give up. I do not not have to run, get upset or react.

Or make it any bigger.

Each day I meditate with all my intensity, taking physical actions to heal.

That is the utmost of importance.

We do not control results.

We control effort and attitude. That’s it.



PTSD: Misconceptions of normal people are GLARING!



Trauma is stored in fragmented, biased snippets during a perceived lethal threat..

Talking to it, reasoning with it or trying to influence it cognitively (consciously) is impossible.

Intrusive thoughts and PTSD have their own engine, their own leadership, their own schedule.

PTSD triggers and plays when it wants.

We do not control anything but our reaction.

We can resist and let thoughts go, but if you have experienced severe PTSD you know the storyline never stops sometimes.

Normal people think with their normal rational minds how easy it is to heal. Just stop thinking about it.

How nice, how clueless, how damaging.

PTSD is irrational and gets worse with their idea of control.

I been judged, laughed at and humiliated because of my PTSD.

Navigating regular life and people without PTSD is an issue that never goes away.

We do not fit in, we have periods where we are much different, much more guarded, much more concerned about our safety.

Even people who are friends, who have seen you suffer will tell you to get over it after a while.

It wears them out watching us suffer, then they get frustrated and lash out.

It just happened to me again. I cut contact and isolate, it hurts.

Trust is already hard, this makes it worse.

Normal people have no idea what it is like to hide away as an adult in your room for days, emotionally destroyed from the monster hiding inside our head.

Our minds play terror events at a rapid pace, cortisol and adrenaline flow, numbing drugs and coagulants are secreted for battle.

It is an invisible war, inside an invisible prison (PTSD).

How could we as infants escape our life sentence?

Instead of criticizing PTSD people, they should give ultimate gratitude they did not have to live our childhoods.

Peer pressure causes us to retreat, we start losing trust in people who can not understand us.

Every symptom and consequence of Childhood abuse has driven me towards isolation.

How about you?


My attitude (stubbornness) has helped me



I have experienced trauma throughout my life.

I have also experienced never giving up every time trauma arrived.

I do not have to achieve anything to never give up, ever.

Who am I?

I do not control the trauma, I do control not giving up.

Who are you?

Our first responsibility is to never give up, never give in.




PTSD does not own me: Attitude




Yes, I am damaged from serious childhood abuse, but PTSD does not own me!

Yes, I suffer at times, whine and complain, but my attitude of never giving up, persists.

There is a space inside me that will never give up, that will suffer with a good attitude and all our effort even without results.




Winning does not depend on me healing, it depends on me not giving up in the face of my struggles.




In the beginning of my struggles, when things got bad, I always increased my effort. My jock mentality knew trauma was the enemy and weakness was the last thing needed.

We have to find that space in our heart, that holds firm when things feel hopeless. We have to define our goals and attitude.

PTSD can humble us to our core, scare the hell out of us with what we fear most. Can you keep a good attitude and increase effort when things are bleak?

Trauma fear arrives as the scariest space we encounter, reinforced with our fight or flight mechanism dumping cortisol and adrenaline into the blood stream.

Our courage is connected to our attitude.

If we are afraid, Attitude suffers.

We heal by heading directly towards our trauma.

How many PTSD sufferers head towards their trauma?

That’s how we heal.

Avoidance powers PTSD.

I avoided at all costs in the beginning.

I learned the hard way how to heal by making every mistake.

Learn from my path, my experience, take action.

Meditation heads directly at our trauma.



Friends tell me, i am to hard on myself. : My Favourite Cartoons by Gary Larson



Be easy on yourself, is the refrain that I hear.

My childhood was dominated by a violent narcissist, perfection was demanded, criticism is all he knew.

There were no compliments, encouragements or second chances, I knew I was not good enough, he told me everyday in my youth.

It was like that narcissist could not resist brutalizing that little boy without mercy, without blame.

I never heard my dad apologize to anyone for anything, ever.

What is there but being hard on yourself? I have no experience with anything else.

Conditioned love is abusive for a child. My self worth was determined by performance, no intrinsic value did my father ever recognize inside me.

I was a thing to make him look good to his buddies.

Pro baseball was a meat market, you were only as valuable as your next at bat. Another performance equals value world.

I do not think at 69, feeling great self worth and trust are part of my path.

Will I be disappointed if self worth and trust never materialize, Hell no.

I do not know what I am missing, I never experienced unconditional love and support as a child. Or adult.

Happiness will look different to me.

After 15 intense years of healing practice, this is my reality.

Just having the nightmares, intrusive thoughts and suffering slow down would be a piece of happiness for me right now.

Living with Complex PTSD is something few understand the torturous life, we lead.

My friends, none of them can fathom my thoughts and my daily challenges.

This is a lonely journey.

You have to need very little to survive. I have learned to live inside my room when Trauma takes over without loss.

This quarantine has not impacted me in the slightest, I need very few people around me.

I learned this in childhood, my dad limited friendships, destroyed the ones that threatened his control.

I am the experiment of a violent, alcoholic, narcissist father.

My brain wired without attachment, support or any kindness.

It is my saving grace, I do not miss people, it helps my PTSD symptoms.

A late thought: I can meditate intently and make all this disappear for a while.

Trauma does not always win.



Childhood Trauma (C-PTSD) a Rollercoaster ride



During our abuse and betrayal most would agree life sucks.

When an event is stored as implicit memory, PTSD is borne inside our right amygdala, while some is hidden in our bodies.

Life will go from imminent danger to a calming period. This is not a pendulum that goes from intense suffering to wild bliss.

Wild bliss is the nightmare of trauma calming down for periods.

The activated parts of life differ in intensity.

I had reached a point where life became enjoyable, healing I thought was complete.

I understood everything about PTSD, then a repressed memory made me a liar.

My posts resemble my journey, some written with a sense of authority and command, others describing the terror trauma brings to my insides.

Facing my trauma head on, researching, helping others, practicing my healing skills, and meditating has shown me the depths of the damage done to me.

The thoughts that cross my path everyday would freak out a normal person.

They would lose their mind if they had my (our) mind.

It is true. I know I do not have thoughts they take for granted.

In the meditation group I joined, Jennifer had us go back into childhood and grab your strongest emotions.

They had euphoric events and opportunity which left them in a space we have never experienced. I wondered what a feeling of joy after a childhood would be like.

I wonder how they would of survived my father, and what would there thoughts be then. Damn sure not joy.

I see how damaged I am when others do things without effort that are impossible for me. I am not giving up or feeling like a victim, I just acknowledge the damage.

My life is so much different than a normal person.

I have to be ok with being different or I suffer.

That is my path.



Focused and Fearless by Shaila Catherine: “I” am


“Make a note of moments when the thought “I am” forms.

How much of your thinking is recreating and reinforcing the story of being you?

What would the experience of your life be like without the burden of incessant becoming?”



My two cents: “I” (Ego) am the one who loses balance, perspective, direction.

I turn desires into needs with excessive craving.

Ego tells me through irrational thoughts, his existence is paramount.

60,000 thoughts cross our path daily, coming from some nether land deep inside our mind.

Many of these thought are the Ego’s selfish needs and outrages.

When I go deep in the woods, that bear or nature could care less, I am Marty.

We are so much more than the small, rigid Ego.




No Ego is ever equal to another ego: how about identical twins, triplets?



I bow to the divine teacher (soul, trust self) within me.

Buddhism believes in the non duality of life. In layman terms our “Ego” is fictitious, our true self is the only real person inside us.

Our “Ego” is the other gal/guy that inhabits our mind.

Divine teacher is real, solid.

The “Ego” is created, transparent, made up in childhood for identity. We can not trace our “Ego” back to a source.

He/She is not real.

Our “Ego” is highly biased, judgmental, and never feels equal to any other “Ego”.

That does cause problems, turmoil with other Ego’s.

I wonder if identical twins are exempt from this with each other.

Seems those two Ego’s would be very similar.

You could actually see yourself in three dimension, like others see you. That must be weird.

This created Ego is the pain in the ass that craves approval, status, superiority, pleasure, anger, revenge and self worth.

He/She is the one feeling disrespected, outraged over others behavior.

My true self (soul) can be an observer, and gaze at the Ego’s crisis from a distance.

If we do not grasp the Ego’s emotional dilemma, we thrive.

Reality is much clearer from this perch.



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