Posts Tagged ‘Judgment’

15 Sep

Unused Emotions: Warning; sarcasm and gallows humor ahead!!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

You Can Stop Apologizing for Your Sick Sense of Humor!

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/498281146262541482/

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My PTSD symptoms have developed into habits, some emotions have been tamped down, almost buried.

I feel the void watching others interact, watching such trusting and kind emotions surface.

Defenses are down, they display warmth, I am envious, a coldness engulfs me.

I do not feel what they feel? Why is what they do worthless to me?

People laugh out loud, hug each other, seem to absorb great emotional rewards, valuable property. They smile and I guess life is good.

This sharing and community must be happiness. What do they feel?

Memories and terror are absent from their demeanors, their behavior. I do not feel safe, free, exuberant emotions, not in private, not in public.

I have no idea what this abstract thing they enjoy, it seems to fulfill them. Makes me uncomfortable.

They have some special connection, attachment, some secret communication of knowing, trusting. I think they developed this in childhood, the security they feel is also foreign to me.

I have not and do not feel these emotions and never would I trust people like this.

Why have certain emotions been absent from my life? When others have warm inclusive feelings, mine are cold, watching for danger.

Have they not been betrayed, publically humiliated, beaten half to death as a kid?

Oh, I love gallows humor, you have to laugh at what we were born into.

If you do not believe in reincarnation, childhood abuse sucks.

If I ignored my PTSD, did nothing to heal, I would expect to suffer.

Why does my PTSD haunt me after a decade-plus of intense effort?

I navigate life in a narrow alley of confusion, anxiety, and terror, finally absent of guilt.

Words can not explain the emotion of unworthiness at my core.

How could my friends understand my feelings, understand my words, or what my life is like?

How should I look at my life at 70, hope for healing by 80?

Sarcasm and gallows humor. Depression is so serious.

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14 Sep

Why are intrusive thoughts (trauma memories) so destructive?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/19632948360919124/

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Childhood abuse (PTSD) changes life, memories are abnormal.

Our memories are experienced (felt) through the emotional prism of worthlessness, damage, failure, or abuse.

Abused kids feel worthless, flawed, or just too damaged for anyone to love or respect.

My intrusive thoughts carry these sentiments, it makes them powerful and scary. As innocent children, we never understood being beaten, raped or emotionally terrorized.

They are not normal memories, highly charged as Stephen Cope describes, “Sometimes we encounter experiences that so violate our sense of safety, order, predictability, and right, that we feel utterly overwhelmed—unable to integrate, and simply unable to go on as before.”

My whole childhood violated my sense of safety, emotionally which has left an indelible mark.

How are we ever supposed to feel safe, normal? We carry a form of terror that changed the size of certain brain organs and functions.

Our nervous systems do not resemble a regular person’s nervous system.

They do not experience the terror, the hyper-vigilance, the flashbacks, the adrenal stress response firing repeatedly, the intrusive thoughts, the emotional deregulation, the avoidance, and the loneliness of complex PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts have the emotional content we felt when abused, they transport us back in time or bring the past to life.

My intrusive thoughts become a rapid, non-stop assault on my wellbeing. It is part of the vapor my brain brings every day, part of the 60,000 thoughts that cross my consciousness daily.

They never stop or slow down when triggered.

Unfortunately, we carry this abuse with us, whether we improve or falter, childhood trauma will always be with us.

I did not have a choice at birth, I did not have any skills as a child to defend myself.

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I have always been afraid of what will happen next, even on my best day.

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When I look back on my life, my memories carry extreme humiliation and worthlessness, they will haunt me till I die.

We can improve, have brief moments of calm but we will never heal, never be free from PTSD exploding.

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13 Sep

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Symptoms

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/467530005046215647/.

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Mayo Clinic: Ptsd

Symptoms

Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may start within one month of a traumatic event, but sometimes symptoms may not appear until years after the event. These symptoms cause significant problems in social or work situations and in relationships. They can also interfere with your ability to go about your normal daily tasks.

PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. Symptoms can vary over time or vary from person to person.

Intrusive memories

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

  • Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
  • Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
  • Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event
  • Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event

Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

Negative changes in thinking and mood

Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:

  • Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships
  • Feeling detached from family and friends
  • Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Difficulty experiencing positive emotions
  • Feeling emotionally numb

Changes in physical and emotional reactions

Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Always being on guard for danger
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame

For children 6 years old and younger, signs and symptoms may also include:

  • Re-enacting the traumatic event or aspects of the traumatic event through play
  • Frightening dreams that may or may not include aspects of the traumatic event

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30 Jul

Control: another side most do not see

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/281543713750855/

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Someone in the Kundalini meditation group commented, that my childhood abuse and betrayal in college, was out of my control.

He thought that was key to absolving me and thus breakthrough healing.

I guess that’s what it looks like from afar.

Actually, having no control over being abused in childhood then betrayed in college, brought doubt, worry, and fear.

I was not even there when my girlfriend had sex with 15 guys, but I damn sure was publicly humiliated.

I controlled the risk of ever being betrayed in a relationship again, I never trusted my future mates. My first venture into love would be my last, I did not even realize you could be destroyed by a mate’s actions.

I guess, abused kids are addicted to control, trying to limit risk and avoid betrayal at all costs.

We sabotage our own lives, make decisions based upon fear, I am guilty. Betrayal thoughts brought intense bodily reactions, strong emotions of anger and hate.

Control has damaged my life, I can not figure out if too little or too much was the cause?

I am always on guard for the unknown betrayal or attack. Feeling safe has never existed for me, I was in danger around my dad, everyday.

Normal people think they have a certain amount of control in their lives, that delusion lives a lifetime for them.

We have no control.

Remember that tsunami in Japan, where a small village on the coast was wiped out, two in the morning, residents asleep in bed, thinking they were in control, safe.

Childhood abuse exists in my earliest memories, I controlled nothing, I was innocent, a kid, he even tried to steal my thoughts.

Billionaires can get cancer, have a mental illness, lose family and suffer just like us, no control, they just have more influence and protection.

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29 Jul

Escaping trauma: Is it possible ?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/2744449763904914/

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Lately, intrusive thoughts have bombarded my consciousness, strong negative feelings add to the awkwardness of enduring this onslaught.

At some point, I try to escape, looking for help, looking for any skill that can curb the pain.

I want to scream for help!

At all costs refrain from sharing Ptsd with friends, hide as much as possible, act as normal as possible.

Smile and act like everything is peachy, squash triggers, and act strong, deny you have PTSD.

They will never understand, they will insult your suffering in the end. Normal people need to believe everything can be fixed, repaired like new in their world.

Rain on that parade and they will attack you.

My blog is the one safe place I can share my experience.

Yesterday, I sat in the middle of my trauma, not moving, not trying to avoid or fix it.

I have tried everything else.

Maybe it will get tired and collapse.

My willpower against traumas.

Who knows the winner of this, not me?

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28 Jul

Childhood abuse is much more than beatings and criticism.

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/386394843007801323/

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I was programmed intentionally by my dad, he wanted his desires to be my desires, it was life and death, he beat me to make sure I understood.

He enjoyed beating me, making me afraid of him, he got a release out of it. Why would you beat me once a week for puking lima beans throughout childhood?

The pressure to perform held all my self-worth, he pounded that into me.

Some things could be worse than death in his eyes.

He demanded I be twice as good as everyone else, all my self-worth he granted me was connected to performance. I did not generate much self-worth on my own in this abusive atmosphere.

No wonder I was good, fear is a great motivator.

I did not understand I was a separate being, autonomous with my desires.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/12525705203642314/

My dad did everything to kill my self, he wanted total ownership. That’s hard to comprehend for most people.

When you look at this from the lens of a narcissist, it makes sense.

His empathy centers are not working, the only thing he sees is the benefit he has wanted since I was born.

My dad failed, got his girl pregnant at 16, dropped out of high school, then resented the shit out of me for complicating his teenage years.

Having sex does not make you a parent.

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17 Jul

The Journey for abused Kids

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/sreza24595-9538179/

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In the beginning, healing was always slow, an amazing amount of time and effort are invested for a small return.

Healing was so subtle I did not notice for months, small improvements were underway.

A trauma event as an adult, brain fully developed, is much different than childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma has a depth, a plethora of unknowns, seemingly unending instances of more abuse.

This creates some big issues.

An adult endures abuse or a horrible accident and develops PTSD. He/She knows what a normal non-traumatized existence feels like.

He/She has a finite, one-off trauma to deal with. Healing is much quicker, much easier with good tools and effort.

His/Her brain is developed and handles trauma much differently than a kid with a brain incapable of handling life.

An abused kid has never experienced a normal life, never known life without emotional or physical abuse.

An abused kid’s brain is altered from that trauma, smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala, and compromised prefrontal cortex.

Our brains are injured and trauma is mixed up with brain development. As an adult, we fail to realize we need in-depth counseling or maybe in-house therapy.

We do not have a basis to understand our life is screwed up.

We have never experienced normal, how do we know what life is like for others.

My friends think I am just crazy, weak, and stuck. They have simple fixes, then question me for not being brave enough or skilled enough to live life as they do.

I wonder how they would have survived my childhood, my dad.

I did not seek help until I was about 60.

We are similar to narcissist, how can we see something wrong with us with nothing to compare it to. Life has always been like this for us, we have not experienced support or attachment or normalcy.

Childhood abuse is a well with no bottom, no end, no hope.

That is how it feels and looks to us at times.

None of this allows us to give up trying to heal.

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13 Jul

unresolved pain and unhealed hurts

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

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From “Forgiving what you can not Forget”

“Have you ever been around someone who personalizes everything?

No matter what you say, they immediately filter it through unresolved pain and unhealed hurts from experiences they’ve had in their life story.

They don’t forget things said to them.

They are always building a case to support their perceptions.

They quickly assign wrong motives and negative interpretations to what is done and said to them.

They believe with all their heart things like, They don’t like me. They don’t think I’m smart, Etc.”

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My two cents: Oh my, I resemble these words, sounds like childhood PTSD talking loudly!

Do you have any of these traits, symptoms?

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5 Jul

A look at my childhood minus the PTSD

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .


My father was from a family of 15, he was in the middle of that order with a paternal twin. My mother was an only child raised Catholic by two atheist.

Yea that’s a weird match.

Mom got pregnant at 16, had me at 17 and that was the end of their high school education.

I was raised by crazy kids.

Mom was a fanatic with religion, dads only interest besides a weekly bowling league was for me to be Roy Hobbs, from The Natural, the greatest baseball hitter ever.

My parents were out there but found a way to exist, divorce was not recognized by the Catholic Church, my mom was stuck.

Playing baseball was his total interest in me. Oh I had to get good grades, be damn near perfect and have my behavior make him look good at all costs also.

He really never had conversations with me, I either did something to piss him off or it was baseball.

He criticized and lectured, we never had a conversation, ever.

If I brought up an idea about me being something other than a pro ball player, Mom would say God made you to play ball.

I did not talk much, fear and self protection were the emotions used for survival. Why would I ever say something and risk his wrath.

School had knowledge, dialogue but it brought social challenges.

You can understand why I was socially awkward, I was damn near a mute at home.

They controlled who I could have for friends and dad did not allow me to date, in his eyes women were a risk to my baseball career.

If he could of branded me showing ownership, it would of been a big bold tattoo.

Years later I returned home from across the country for some event, they could not believe I was a talkative adult. I was an extrovert, who knew.

And yes I moved as far away as I could.

Some of this was abusive but look at their lives.

My daughter explains my mother’s dilemma, in 1950, unwed and pregnant, her future husband was a violent narcissist.

Maybe it was a life sentence for her.

Who knows.

As an old man, I am lost, life has never had purpose or direction. I do not know how to have purpose or direction.

I try to heal a little more each day but life is hallow and has way to much suffering without a purpose.

We all have our challenges.

Any insights, comments or opinions?
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4 Jul

PTSD: Birth is the ultimate lottery

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.si.com/nba/2016/10/27/classic-photos-kareem-abdul-jabbar#gid=ci02554da9c0002580&pid=2015

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Looking back after 70 years on this planet, life is harsh even for kids who had great support and love from their caregivers.

Watching a podcast of NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, he described his life as an oddity, sticking out being 6’8” at 12 years old. 7’2″ was his height as an adult, how do you blend in or hide, fit into a hotel bed, buy clothes, or fit in a car?

People always stare and treat you like an oddity. He says this kind of scrutiny drives you inside, into your own cocoon.

Life shrinks for people scrutinized as different or abused kids markedly different in behavior than normal kids.

Now, consider being seriously abused as a kid, criticized and beaten by a caregiver. Think we are not an abnormality, an oddity compared to normal kids.

We do not feel equal to others, we know we are flawed and compromised, dysfunctional and isolated.

I am not saying as an adult I believe any of this now, however it was my reality most of my life and dogma as a kid.

If birth is the ultimate lottery, we lost big time.

The impact of abusing a child, lasts a lifetime, I am an example of this. The ACE study documents the physical diseases and early death that childhood abuse causes.

I am not a victim but I have suffered trying to heal from childhood PTSD my entire life. That is a fact.

At 70, my brain is still trying to cope with a smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala and a compromised left prefrontal cortex, Childhood PTSD disrupts nearly everyday with unworthiness and failure.

I have friends who are happy go lucky, think everything will turn out alright. Their demeanor is relaxed and confident, life seems easy and happy for them.

To say I am envious and amazed is an understatement.

Are they from another planet, how can a brain feel safe and secure, being able to trust thoughts, and finally they trust others.

I have never had those feelings and never expect to feel that way, a little bit of wellbeing and peace of mind are my only goals now.

My life is navigating around my trauma minefield, searching for brief moments of joy while dodging trauma thoughts, anxiety and isolation.

Yes, I have felt haunted by childhood demons, this battle has never receded from my life.

Everyone has challenges, some much greater than others. Whoever makes those decisions is way above our pay grade.

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