Posts Tagged ‘Judgment’

13 Jan

Do we ever break free of childhood abuse and habits?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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I find the isolation and lack of autonomy the most damaging scars from my childhood.

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https://unsplash.com/@gasparuhas

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My father was a puppetmaster, he told me who I would be, what I would believe in, and who I could be or could not be friends with.

He controlled the depth of all friendships, and others he did not like.

All the stats say community, having support is excellent for healing.

I have no history of community except for team sports and I guess work.

My dad isolated me for greater control, whether it damaged me or not, a narcissist does not give a shit.

I could not function inside my house, how would I survive the outside world.

My dad assumed part of my being, autonomy was too risky for him.

No way he would even let a thought of going against his will survive.

His hair-trigger volatility and penchant for violence against me were always loaded.

To this day I struggle to know who I am or repair my damaged ego.

Abused kids are rarely trusting or open to others, many warm feelings are unknown to us.

What a dilemma!

As an old retired guy, reaching out has become much harder, my trauma erupting has brought suffering and fear.
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11 Jan

Writing a blog brings many emotions for me.

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

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Reading some of my latest posts, I am embarrassed, shocked at how hopeless my words convey.

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https://unsplash.com/@stefanopollio

Deep depression does not look good in person or on paper.

Dealing with my childhood abuse, I have done a great job of calming my nervous system and integrating significant parts of my trauma.

I guess I handle anxiety, the firing of my fight or flight mechanism, the symptoms of hypervigilance, fear, and avoidance better than depression.

Ptsd brought desperation but it was for short periods, it was a battle with Ptsd.

My strength is handling the physical challenges, the pain, the injuries, my vulnerability is the emotional betrayals and losses.

In my 60’s, Guilian Beret left me paralyzed from the neck down, ICU for two months, followed by another two months in rehab.

Doctors, physical therapists, occupational therapists all said I would be in a wheelchair for a minimum of a year and possibly two.

Ten days later I got up from that wheelchair and took three very shaky steps.

The doctors and nurses were stunned, I was a devoted meditator and a former pro athlete, this was my element.

As accomplished at physical challenges as I am, it highlights my weakness with emotional betrayal and depression.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and then we have our blind spots.

Betrayal and depression are my vulnerabilities.

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9 Jan

I favor Ptsd over Depression

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@theshuttervision

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PTSD has energy, cortisol and adrenaline, fear and danger, it’s much more exciting and enjoyable than deep depression.

Depression sucks the life out of you, for abused kids it is devastating.

My legs have stopped moving while hiking from depressive thoughts and emotions.

PTSD, I can engage and battle, calm my fight or flight mechanism while observing my trauma.

Depression, I have no answer for the shame it carries.

It is an awful mental disorder, it drained the little peace of mind my life enjoyed.

Seriously abused kids get crushed by betrayal.

We fear the outside world, when we get betrayed from inside our circle, life collapses.

We will never understand how a mate betrays us, a permanent scar will make trusting another impossible.

It’s such a narrow and risky existence, death does not scare me, being ridiculed or betrayed scares me.

Death before dishonor rings true in my world, my father drilled that into me.

I have experienced a betrayal that bad, publicly shamed for a mate’s actions.

What is your worst betrayal since childhood?

Is depression or PTSD harder for you?
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6 Oct

Do not focus on limitations, find a small specific goal to relentlessly pursue.

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/846958273680956350/

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PTSD confuses the mind it inhabits with symptoms that prepare him/her for an imminent threat. This scenario is part of survival mode, a highly charged emotional state of danger, followed by an avoidance, a denial, or a numbing freeze state of existence.

All this is complex and overpowering for any mind to handle.

Those who strive to improve know the limitations childhood abuse places on their lives.

Out of this complex crisis, we need to find simple, bulletproof ways to battle trauma.

Our rules to improve: Forget about limitations, forget about judgments, forget about healing, focus on one small specific goal at a time.

My goal is to sense and move my PTSD energy around and out of my body.

Healing is not my goal, that is way too abstract and complex.

Our goal should be within reach, practical and specific.

Obtain a goal then move to the next challenge.

Never try to address more than one symptom at a time.

We are using a laser, pinpointing a small specific goal, not a shotgun approach.

Let go of all those judgments and predictions, stay focused in the moment with our goal as our bellwether.

Questions we search for: What is PTSD’s favorite emotion?

What is his favorite narrative?

What are his patterns?

Feel its energy flowing inside, sense its purpose, and roadmap.

Know thy enemy intimately, knowledge is power in this battle.

Know your PTSD micro-energy movements and behavior.

I have a one-word chant, a mantra to open my heart, solar plexus for me, a release word to say when trauma energy is present.

It is Yam, pronounced Yaam, a simple vibration to focus on opening and releasing my PTSD energy.

If nothing else it is something to focus on instead of the narrative.

Simple execution, practice the mantra during the day, then apply anytime we sense PTSD energy flowing.

Simplify the goal, use intense focus and awareness, practice daily with intent.

In my mind I relentlessly pursue my small, specific goal daily.

We need to see ourselves as warriors not victims, not helpless.

Good hunting!

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3 Oct

Rudid96 asks is the Ego bad? ………….No!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

From guidedmindclearance.com

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Rudid96:

“Is the Ego all ‘bad’? Is it the repository of false thoughts, feelings, & actions? Or, does it hold some value? I was wondering if all those thoughts were a form of energy gone awry? In the grand scheme of life, even coach roaches hold some value.”

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My two cents: The Ego is created to separate us or identify us from others. I am Marty, you are Rudid96, my rewards and punishments can be properly distributed from society.

One more time Rudid96, my meditation practice, or my ability to focus intently on my breath, allows me to take a step back and observe my Ego.

We are not obligated to ever listen to our Ego.

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Let the Ego identity us, then let loose of those voids, the need for constant approval, the curse of worrying, doubting, and separating.

Stay present, observe what the senses bring to you, refrain from judgment.

In this space, the ego has faded from consciousness, reality is available for us.

Dissociation, thinking about things in the past or future is the highway for the “Ego” to gain control of us.

The “Ego” is a positive creation for normal kids and a damaged one for abused kids.

Our childhood abuse helped create an unworthy Ego filled with shame, failure, and unworthiness.

The next issue to maneuver stems from the Ego never feeling equal to another equal.

That can lead to drama, turmoil, and harsh emotions without proper perspective.

We can change the Ego, alter some of the abusive thoughts into more positive feelings.

Our goal is to keep the Ego’s desires in perspective.

In common man terms, the Ego is the cognitive invention, he/she compares everything and everyone it encounters, then adds strong emotions to gain power.

The true self is the heartfelt intuition that arrives from deep inside.

Our intuition is the opposite of thought, it is our true compass.

The Ego is clueless for direction and impact on our life.

The Ego’s behavior is harmful at times, we need to know when he/she goes astray.

Long-time meditating monks navigate life with so much less ego than us.

Does that explain why they enjoy such a euphoric existence?

YES!

I think wonderment happens when we are not involved in thought.

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Thought is not the greatest power of our mind, in fact it is a small part of our capability.

You can not find the Ego without connection to thought.

We should try to think as little as possible. Limit dissociation and suffering, direct thought, never wander into memory.

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28 Sep

Rudid96 asks about self and feelings

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

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Self: Each of us has a true self, he/she is the same every day, perfect and permanent. We create this other-self, for identity, a guy called Marty. Marty is my “Ego”.

Know this: No Ego ever feels equal to another Ego. Is this the reason our Ego is the ultimate judging machine? Walk into a room with ten people around a table, our Ego has automatically ranked us compared to everyone else. The Ego feels superior to some and inferior to others, here in lies the issue with navigating “Ego’s”.

Resentment, jealousy, anger, and other negative emotions are attached to trauma thoughts.

Realize that emotions are transparent, ephemeral, and fleeting, they arrive, stay a while then change to another emotion.

Rudid96, we place way too much importance on emotions, on thoughts, and judgments.

The Ego is a creation of the left hemisphere, a cognitive judgment of our place on this planet. This judgment takes into account how others treat us, how our first caregivers raised us, and how we value ourselves, all wrapped together in a package we call “Ego”.

The true self does not get involved in fleeting impermanent emotions, he/she observes life in the present moment free of thought.

Remember the right hemisphere of our brain has no words, thoughts, there are no judgments, no right or wrong, no good or bad on this side.

As Rick Hanson has explained in “Buddhas Brain”, you can not find an emotional center of the brain without thoughts being attached. Thoughts attach to emotions, trauma thoughts attach to violent emotions.

Marty, a left-brain invention, is flawed, I know he is in control when strong emotions arise. I have told people that they have pissed my Ego off, luckily I paid no attention.

My true self is not engaged in this worthless endeavor. My true self is not pissed, not engaged in Ptsd thoughts, not thinking in fact. No strong emotions are present, calm, and easiness takes over.

When strong emotions are present, our Ego is in control or dominating by atrocious thoughts.

My true self does not have Ptsd, the other guy, the guy who judges and thinks has PTSD. If no thought exists on the right side of my brain, no PTSD exists either.

Know we have created this Ego, and we can alter him/her with work.

Thoughts?

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15 Sep

Unused Emotions: Warning; sarcasm and gallows humor ahead!!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

You Can Stop Apologizing for Your Sick Sense of Humor!

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/498281146262541482/

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My PTSD symptoms have developed into habits, some emotions have been tamped down, almost buried.

I feel the void watching others interact, watching such trusting and kind emotions surface.

Defenses are down, they display warmth, I am envious, a coldness engulfs me.

I do not feel what they feel? Why is what they do worthless to me?

People laugh out loud, hug each other, seem to absorb great emotional rewards, valuable property. They smile and I guess life is good.

This sharing and community must be happiness. What do they feel?

Memories and terror are absent from their demeanors, their behavior. I do not feel safe, free, exuberant emotions, not in private, not in public.

I have no idea what this abstract thing they enjoy, it seems to fulfill them. Makes me uncomfortable.

They have some special connection, attachment, some secret communication of knowing, trusting. I think they developed this in childhood, the security they feel is also foreign to me.

I have not and do not feel these emotions and never would I trust people like this.

Why have certain emotions been absent from my life? When others have warm inclusive feelings, mine are cold, watching for danger.

Have they not been betrayed, publically humiliated, beaten half to death as a kid?

Oh, I love gallows humor, you have to laugh at what we were born into.

If you do not believe in reincarnation, childhood abuse sucks.

If I ignored my PTSD, did nothing to heal, I would expect to suffer.

Why does my PTSD haunt me after a decade-plus of intense effort?

I navigate life in a narrow alley of confusion, anxiety, and terror, finally absent of guilt.

Words can not explain the emotion of unworthiness at my core.

How could my friends understand my feelings, understand my words, or what my life is like?

How should I look at my life at 70, hope for healing by 80?

Sarcasm and gallows humor. Depression is so serious.

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14 Sep

Why are intrusive thoughts (trauma memories) so destructive?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/19632948360919124/

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Childhood abuse (PTSD) changes life, memories are abnormal.

Our memories are experienced (felt) through the emotional prism of worthlessness, damage, failure, or abuse.

Abused kids feel worthless, flawed, or just too damaged for anyone to love or respect.

My intrusive thoughts carry these sentiments, it makes them powerful and scary. As innocent children, we never understood being beaten, raped or emotionally terrorized.

They are not normal memories, highly charged as Stephen Cope describes, “Sometimes we encounter experiences that so violate our sense of safety, order, predictability, and right, that we feel utterly overwhelmed—unable to integrate, and simply unable to go on as before.”

My whole childhood violated my sense of safety, emotionally which has left an indelible mark.

How are we ever supposed to feel safe, normal? We carry a form of terror that changed the size of certain brain organs and functions.

Our nervous systems do not resemble a regular person’s nervous system.

They do not experience the terror, the hyper-vigilance, the flashbacks, the adrenal stress response firing repeatedly, the intrusive thoughts, the emotional deregulation, the avoidance, and the loneliness of complex PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts have the emotional content we felt when abused, they transport us back in time or bring the past to life.

My intrusive thoughts become a rapid, non-stop assault on my wellbeing. It is part of the vapor my brain brings every day, part of the 60,000 thoughts that cross my consciousness daily.

They never stop or slow down when triggered.

Unfortunately, we carry this abuse with us, whether we improve or falter, childhood trauma will always be with us.

I did not have a choice at birth, I did not have any skills as a child to defend myself.

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I have always been afraid of what will happen next, even on my best day.

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When I look back on my life, my memories carry extreme humiliation and worthlessness, they will haunt me till I die.

We can improve, have brief moments of calm but we will never heal, never be free from PTSD exploding.

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13 Sep

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Symptoms

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/467530005046215647/.

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Mayo Clinic: Ptsd

Symptoms

Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may start within one month of a traumatic event, but sometimes symptoms may not appear until years after the event. These symptoms cause significant problems in social or work situations and in relationships. They can also interfere with your ability to go about your normal daily tasks.

PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. Symptoms can vary over time or vary from person to person.

Intrusive memories

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

  • Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
  • Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
  • Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event
  • Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event

Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

Negative changes in thinking and mood

Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:

  • Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships
  • Feeling detached from family and friends
  • Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Difficulty experiencing positive emotions
  • Feeling emotionally numb

Changes in physical and emotional reactions

Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Always being on guard for danger
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame

For children 6 years old and younger, signs and symptoms may also include:

  • Re-enacting the traumatic event or aspects of the traumatic event through play
  • Frightening dreams that may or may not include aspects of the traumatic event

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30 Jul

Control: another side most do not see

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/281543713750855/

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Someone in the Kundalini meditation group commented, that my childhood abuse and betrayal in college, was out of my control.

He thought that was key to absolving me and thus breakthrough healing.

I guess that’s what it looks like from afar.

Actually, having no control over being abused in childhood then betrayed in college, brought doubt, worry, and fear.

I was not even there when my girlfriend had sex with 15 guys, but I damn sure was publicly humiliated.

I controlled the risk of ever being betrayed in a relationship again, I never trusted my future mates. My first venture into love would be my last, I did not even realize you could be destroyed by a mate’s actions.

I guess, abused kids are addicted to control, trying to limit risk and avoid betrayal at all costs.

We sabotage our own lives, make decisions based upon fear, I am guilty. Betrayal thoughts brought intense bodily reactions, strong emotions of anger and hate.

Control has damaged my life, I can not figure out if too little or too much was the cause?

I am always on guard for the unknown betrayal or attack. Feeling safe has never existed for me, I was in danger around my dad, everyday.

Normal people think they have a certain amount of control in their lives, that delusion lives a lifetime for them.

We have no control.

Remember that tsunami in Japan, where a small village on the coast was wiped out, two in the morning, residents asleep in bed, thinking they were in control, safe.

Childhood abuse exists in my earliest memories, I controlled nothing, I was innocent, a kid, he even tried to steal my thoughts.

Billionaires can get cancer, have a mental illness, lose family and suffer just like us, no control, they just have more influence and protection.

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