. These observations arrived after intense inner exploration and awareness.
I sit in dead silence, sensing my inner world for fear, anxiety, or agitation.
My earliest memories from childhood contain worry, a space sparsely inhabited by safety.
I am aware of my mind’s tendencies and wiring.
The spell breaks momentarily when I get absorbed in an activity or during meditation sits.
At times, I can take a step back and observe the thoughts connected to my worrisome brain.
He perceives real danger, it is a highly emotional feeling.
At times I can discount these thoughts as PTSD related and calm my nervous system, still, as a result, I avoid people.
The combination of worry and lack of trust has an isolating effect on my life.
Worry is such a harmful emotion for abused kids.
The blog psychological tools define worry this way:
What Is Worry?
“Worrying is a form of thinking about the future, defined as thinking about future events in a way that leaves you feeling anxious or apprehensive.
Clinically, excessive worry is the primary symptom of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).” . .
My two cents: PTSD is also an anxiety disorder.
A correction, from NIH.gov
PTSD is no longer considered an anxiety-related disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition classification and instead is associated with trauma/stressor-related disorders. PTSD symptoms are clustered into four domains including intrusive experiences, avoidance, mood, and arousal symptoms.
. Depression is our lonely villain, he/she takes over after the ravages of PTSD’s consequences.
I think PTSD proceeds into depression as we age.
If we have PTSD, we will be depressed, guaranteed.
PTSD is lifestyle threatening, we avoid, deny, isolate and become hypervigilant, reclusive, and afraid.
After the therapies, after all the reading, applying, navigating, intuitives, meditation, exposure therapy, cognitive therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, etc. Etc. Etc., life sucks.
More therapy is a repetition, sort of diminishing returns for me.
Like many vets who survived the war without trauma, later life is a different story.
That once stoic facade melts away when PTSD explodes.
Life changes overnight for these poor souls.
I had no idea PTSD was alive inside me until a crisis later in life exploded into my consciousness.
Older and weakened this onslaught had drastic consequences.
I have experienced PTSD EXPLODING from a crisis, then year’s later a hidden trauma, a betrayal deeply buried changed my life forever.
There are so many hidden traumatic memories, cloudy experiences from the past, and a sort of haunting beneath the surface.
Even if I win these battles, happiness, and peace of mind are complete strangers.
A crisis does not cultivate happiness or trust. . .
Distrust: Friendships can be tenuous, any betrayal ends any friendship immediately. This distrust limits deep relationships because of the basic need for protection.
Security: From my earliest memories as a child, feeling safe and supported was missing. All I know is this void. No mentor, no adult has ever gained my trust unconditionally.
Hypervigilance: Entering a restaurant, any group or meeting, my defense mechanism takes over, spotting imminent danger, always on alert. This is automatic, almost subconscious, and quick.
Avoidance: PTSD narrows life, we isolate to avoid triggers firing. Our fight or flight mechanism firing signals danger, this is our chemical version of fear.
In some strange abstract way, I fear and distrust people. Childhood abuse brings a vulnerability that never leaves as an adult. I can not grasp words to make you understand.
Thinking: PTSD brings intrusive thoughts and negative emotional trauma memories. These thoughts are numerous and highly invasive, filled with what we fear most.
Thinking, and dissociating into past trauma memories, fuels PTSD. The more time we spend ruminating into the past the more PTSD powers up.
Mood Swings: Life can be a rollercoaster ride of emotions and thoughts. I can spot the shift at times. My demeanor swings wildly and forcibly without my conscious input.
PTSD feels like there is another self or being inside my head. A highly sensitive, dysfunctional, and vulnerable soul. That other self has the power to take over the organism and does at times.
Infants born to mothers who were pregnant during a traumatic event that could have resulted in a diagnosis of PTSD (such as during the 9/11 attacks) had lower birth weights and increased levels of cortisols (chemicals that respond to stress). Although this does not necessarily result in childhood abuse or neglect, such infants can be harder to soothe, more prone to colic, and at increased risk for PTSD.
5 Family dynamics:
Parents develop different with different children. Factors that influence this bond with a child can include such things as comfort level with a child’s gender, readiness to have a child, and events surrounding the pregnancy or birth. For example, unplanned or unwanted pregnancies can lead to resentment or anger toward a child, or a difficult pregnancy or traumatic birthing process might cause a parent to reject or blame a child.
6 Modeling:
Children who grow up in abusive homes tend to be exposed to multiple risk factors. Medical care may not be consistent. There may be insufficient modeling of hygiene practices, or a lack of encouragement of health-promoting behaviors such as exercise or healthy eating. There may also be excessive modeling of high-risk behaviors like smoking or substance abuse.
7 Presence of a learning disability or ADHD:
There is a strong correlation between children with learning disabilities, including Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and child abuse. This connection appears to be bidirectional. Children who are abused are at greater risk for the development of learning disabilities because of the impact of chronic stress and trauma on their developing brain. Additionally, children who have a learning disability or ADHD are at greater risk of being abused when parents misunderstand or are triggered by their child’s cognitive differences, distractibility, or impulsivity.
8 Lack of resilience factors:
Resilience factors are those protective resources, such as parents, that alleviate the impact of childhood trauma. Research suggests that when parents are not supportive, even an attachment to an adult in your community who understands, nurtures, and protects you can lessen the impact of traumatic childhood events. Additional protective factors include participation in activities outside of the home and developing positive peer relationships. When resilience factors are lacking, the impact of neglect or abuse can be amplified by a feeling that those around you have failed to protect you. . .
PTSD - A Way Out.com 