Posts Tagged ‘Judgment’

My moods shift, ptsd ignites again

Pixabay: pixel2013

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This is my mood right now, by noon it will shift, by six another emotion will rule, life is a struggle, it is painful.

It took me 8 years of intense therapy and meditation to calm all my PTSD symptoms. I was not completely healed but life was good for two years.

I meditated five hours a day for five years, went to weekly therapy, read everything on therapy, trauma, meditation, mindfulness and many spiritual or holistic healers..

It was the only two year period of relief in my life.

Now an old trauma ignited my childhood abuse, my PTSD has fired up again.

I thought it was dead, thought I beat it.

Ten years of work, how can it regenerate like this?

I have not given up but I have lost hope of ever healing, now.

Many people have spoken to me, when they had no response for my old trauma, they said bad shit happens.

It’s like that makes it ok or something, many people suffer the rest of their life after bad shit happening.

Always those without childhood abuse say just move on, it is simple, easy for them.

People are clueless and do more harm, friendships end.

I search and find something new, pour my heart into it, get momentary relief, then trauma eats my ass up again.

No matter how much some of us work, healing will likely never happen.

Sometimes hiking I wish I could just keep going deep in the woods, hike right off this damn planet, be free of what people have done to me.

I wish the pain would stop.

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PTSD is in Flux: Yeah?

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/32369691061507877/

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A couple of things happened recently, an on-line session with my therapist and my kundalini teacher exposing me to ideas outside the my narrative.

I always thought my childhood was a curse, Jennifer offered the idea that having my father may of saved my life.

Now that concept was way out of the box. Never had I envisioned my childhood being a positive.

Then I saw my trauma, trying to heal trauma, clouded my whole existence.

Working on integrating my childhood, my triggers, my PTSD, neglected my inner child, my self worth and my functioning in the world right now.

Childhood PTSD is extremely complex, we get lost in that abuse forest at times.

PTSD is irrational, illogical, confusing and frightening.

We need to continually assess our path and focus.

My days are spent working on this moment, not past trauma anymore.

The change in itself feels like a breath of fresh air.

My intrusive thoughts have calmed.

I have always faced my challenges with resistance, force, not responding with strength would show weakness.

That’s my Unworthiness manifesting in blind action.

Finally I see a space, an opportunity to change.

Inner work is finally paying off.

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Intrusive thoughts brought suffering for me

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/45599014967974172/

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Intrusive thoughts have been the PTSD symptom that has haunted me. This symptoms activates many of the other symptoms we suffer from.

The last few days intrusive thoughts have all but left the building, changing all my focus to functioning in the present moment has alleviated that concern for now.

What a wonderful gift in itself.

No, I am not healed but the mind can be approached in many more ways than I thought.

My first priority was to calm the fight or flight mechanism.

Then all the fun begins fighting to get our lives back.

Many times we are not even close to working on what needs to be integrated.

PTSD is so irrational and confusing at times, we need direction and tools to navigate.

Try my new approach, leave the past alone, focus on this present moment and work on that behavior, our reactions to people and situations.

Intrusive thoughts have a hard time penetrating when we assume this posture.

If something has stopped working, adapt, pivot and try something new.

I have found taking risks with therapy is a must from time to time.

Childhood trauma will not be healed by a therapist, I can assure you of that.

I have done the vast majority of my healing alone.

Take a step back and evaluate your healing path, make changes and reapply maximum effort.

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PTSD: Extinguished triggers are not dead, dormant maybe

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/746401338214093101/

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We have tendencies, sensitivities, and habits that are directly connected to our PTSD. For many decades, my PTSD lay dormant and hidden, these tendencies still remained active, influential.

I integrated much of my childhood abuse over an extended period. My triggers lost power and I could go out publicly with an ease never before experienced.

My triggers were connected to things that were related to my trauma, mundane, they happened in public and were accompanied by my fight or flight mechanism not firing, exploding.

The mind can take a saltine cracker, connect it with violent trauma from our past, and make saltine crackers something we avoid out of intense fear.

Our mind could intensely fire our fight or flight mechanism everytime we came into contact with a cracker. We would avoid at all costs if it gets bad enough.

Think someone without PTSD would believe that?

Some of healing is understanding how our mind works, PTSD is inside us not out there, in our mind, heart and body.

Some of my old triggers have regained power, impacting my behavior and quality of life.

How can something I extinguished thoroughly come back to life?

PTSD never leaves us completely, that is my experience.

Think what this looks and sounds like to someone who has never experienced serious PTSD symptoms.

Meditating, focusing on my breath, has let me watch my mind from a distance.

If our mind is a complete stranger we will suffer.

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I was a thing to my Narcissist dad

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/2111131067243853/

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I often wonder why my PTSD has been so destructive.

My dad exerted so much energy, a 24/7 constant obsession of grooming me for baseball stardom. I was more of an it to him, a thing, not a separate life, not an autonomous person with desires and needs.

That’s how a narcissist owns things, uses things (people) for their pleasure. Their empathy centers do not work correctly.

Whether at school, home or on a field of competition, he controlled my every move, reviewed every play of every game and performance at school, then punished any actions that deviated from his master plan.

I guess it was to replace his lost childhood from early pregnancy at 16 and subsequent end of his high school career.

He wanted to control every part of my life, even micromanage my thoughts. He stole my childhood, my life for his own sick narcissistic pleasure.

There was no opportunity for me to be me, in fact being me would get beat for insolence.

There was no deviation in what he decided I would be, just an emphasis on being much better than everyone else.

It was lonely, isolating and highly abusive.

Instead of me forming my ego, he told me what my ego should look like and act like.

I see why I am so messed up, always searching for the real me.

We do not pick our parents, so this is my challenge, I can accept it and take action or be a victim.

I fight on.

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https://www.pinterest.com/pin/267190190381444390/

Images we create in childhood

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/207165651599402179/

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From the book “Mastery of Love”

We are afraid to be punished, but later we are also afraid of not getting the reward, of not being good enough for Mom or Dad, sibling or teacher.

The need to be accepted is born.

Before that, we don’t care whether we are accepted or not. People’s opinions are not important. They are not important because we just want to play and we live in the present.

The fear of not getting the reward becomes the fear of rejection. The fear of not being good enough for someone else is what makes us try to change, what makes us create an image.

Then we try to project that image according to what they want us to be, just to be accepted, just to have the reward.

We learn to pretend to be what we are not, and we practice trying to be someone else, just to be good enough for Mom, for Dad, for the teacher, for our religion, for whatever.

We practice and practice, and we master how to be what we are not. Soon we forget who we really are, and we start to live our images.

We create not just one image, but many different images according to the different groups of people we associate with.

We create an image at home, an image at school, and when we grow up we create even more images.

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The male Ego and Trauma

https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

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My insecurities living up to the male ego my father demanded, caused so much anxiety and fear.

Being a man meant never showing weakness, hiding emotions and being prepared to respond to any threat with force.

I was not the man of my father wishes, I was far from the alpha male, superstar he envisioned.

Navigating life was difficult, failure lurked around every corner. Worry and fear of failure entered my mind at every turn.

I could not be seen as weak, never could back down, and my nervous system and stomach bore the brunt of living like this.

All that fear of failure made an anxious, scared boy.

My spiritual teacher pointed out this toxic masculinity, said it was a prison of my own construct.

I see that finally. My dad was not a brave man, never went to bars or fought another man, he was a giant beating my ass half to death.

He wanted me to be the man he never was. That is extremely sad, his weaknesses caused my trauma.

All that suffering, and most of my trauma happened to that toxic “Ego”, the man I was supposed to be.

I find that it is easy for me to let that toxic “Ego” go, release it and all trauma it collected.

It is like a big weight has lifted for a couple of days.

Moral of story: I have been suffering lately and it has felt helpless, but we never give up, this is part of our journey, our challenge.

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The Mask You Live In

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A documentary about male toxic masculinity.

http://therepresentationproject.org/film/the-mask-you-live-in-film/

This is eye opening for me. What I have always taken for granted, what I believed a man was supposed to be, has been the cause of many, many issues.

Factor in my father’s special sauce, I needed to be twice as good as all other male ego’s on a field of competition.

To be that dominate Ego, all social interaction at school had to be consistent.

My mask was contrary to my personality. I just wanted to fit in, to have friends, to be secure and accepted.

Baseball was a hybrid battle for my dad with tactics and psychological warfare.

No crying in baseball, you never show weakness, always play hurt, and never back down. You win and dominate.

With a healthy male ego, my college betrayal would not be about me or my masculinity.

Wow, that seems ground breaking.

I wanted to share this as I dig deeper into this subject.

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. The irrational seems rational, feels real,

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/16888567360170857/

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The irrational seems rational, feels real, it’s called childhood PTSD, developmental trauma to be more exact.

I understand the mechanics of PTSD very well, I have no idea why my mind makes old trauma so important, so alive, so persistent, so damaging.

Irrational, I know that but knowing has not healed it.

My mind is mush, confused, anxious, worn out, in and out of survivor mode.

My mind is alert for danger, emotional danger at all times again.

This has a big impact, it isolates me and takes enjoyment out of life.

Emotional fear is so abstract when attached to violent trauma.

Its like an evil ghost haunting me.

Irrational but automatic, it happens without my input, it is exhausting and painful.

Working on forgiveness has just stirred up the shit even more.

I could scream, this is so frustrating, I have done the hard work for over a decade.

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A conversation with my therapist

https://pixabay.com/users/clker-free-vector-images-3736/

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My relationship with my therapist is unique, very open, and I sense a true concern for my healing. He recognizes my knowledge of PTSD and effort trying to heal.

Serious trauma before the brain develops has so many more tentacles hidden inside. Survival mode shuts down many needed brain developmental functions. Building attachments, social skills, feeling safe and trust suffer in survival mode.

He said some childhood trauma gets hard wired inside brain development, unplugging this will be arduous if possible.

My mind learned to lock on to my fathers mood at all times. My therapist said this was real, abuse happened every week, and I lived in survival mode. A mind does not develop correctly while in survival mode.

PTSD being a choice: He laughed and said very few people understand serious childhood trauma. What people say can do damage, it’s like others trying to place blame or guilt on us for our PTSD.

A response yesterday: “Try focusing on something else besides all your traumas. Design & build something with your hands. Incorporate your grandkids into new projects.”

A normal brain can not fathom intrusive thoughts. That is your mind running full speed on its own, bombarding us with zillions of trauma dangers. Building things is a distraction, a good action but does nothing to heal trauma or stop the intrusive thoughts.

Subconsciously our minds search for danger in every situation without thought. This is survival mode or the hybrid that still lives inside me.

Loss is big for serious abused kids.

At 69 I still fear being a failure. I had to search deep while meditating to uncover these subconscious worries.

My actions mirror this behavior but consciously I did not have those thoughts.

I see now that I have always lived in some semblance of survival mode.

That’s all I knew as a kid. It is hard wired. I hit overload if you put me in a crowd.

It is not enjoyable. How do you fix not trusting on top of all the other PTSD symptoms?

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