Posts Tagged ‘Judgment’

28 Aug

Our small bodies are marinated in those chemicals.”

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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This sentence about child abuse and kids of alcoholics shocks me, “As children, our small bodies are marinated in those chemicals.”

It explains more accurately how PTSD impacts my body and nervous system.

We carry these hypervigilant drugs at higher resting levels than normal people without realizing it.

That makes sense.

I can not remember a time when my body was calm.

Our brains developed while we were in these hypervigilant and survivor modes.

Our brains were wired under duress and abuse, in a state of fear.

This is why we focus on spotting danger, why we worry constantly.

We live with that tightness in our solar plexus, it feels like fear, and we read it as danger.

When you value safety over all other desires, life becomes more and more narrow.

We find it extremely difficult to trust.

It is all stored in our cells and brain, our own body and mind carry PTSD through life.

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23 Aug

Childhood abuse: A Flawed self image

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

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My observations: In my opinion, the creation of a flawed self-image (Ego) is one of the strongest negative consequences of childhood abuse.

We never find our true self, we are lost, influenced by our past damage.

We lack the ability to love ourselves (self-love).

This is the foundation, the core we are missing.

We have no idea who we are supposed to be, trying to survive dominates our waking hours.

Trusting ourselves is rare, our flawed self-image brings many struggles.

Life never had easy-going moments, danger always stole the stage.

Yes, I have always felt extremely flawed, missing something other kids possessed.

My path did not include repairing these voids, I was lost inside PTSDs vortex of suffering.

It is a confusing life filled with turmoil and anxiety.

PTSD masks over desire, opportunity, and living fully.

I felt helpless and flawed as a kid, how was adulthood going to be any different?

PTSD becomes stronger over time, symptoms increase until we somehow improve or heal.

I question whether any severely abused kid heals or has a decent life.

The Ace study confirms our plight of suffering, mental disorders, addiction, disease, and early death.

https://traumainformedoregon.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Adverse-Childhood-Experiences-Impact-of-Childhood-Trauma-on-Adult-Wellbeing-TIO.pdf

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16 Aug

PTSD: Early mornings

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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Early morning darkness has a profound silence, a haunting time to peruse the events of the coming day.

I lay in bed perfectly still, my mind always churning, searching for answers, for solutions.

Listening intently, PTSDs sirens break this stillness.

Questions pierce my consciousness, and judgments follow soon afterward.

Where has desire gone?

Since PTSD exploded a decade ago, I avoided from day one.

Desires dwindle when we avoid.

PTSD changes desires slowly as we avoid people and situations over time.

It’s like a teeter-totter, more desire less avoidance, or more avoidance less desire.

At its core is a lack of trust.
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1 Aug

PTSD: Blatant facts:

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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Blatant facts: PTSD thoughts hide at an extremely shallow depth.

Piercing the surface is child’s play for them.

What a visual!!!!!!!

In my daily world, these thoughts haunt me, I want answers, accountability, responsibility, and justice.

None of that shit is ever going to happen.

There are few answers, and thousands of questions, we will never know or understand.

My PTSD self is elusive, he benignly senses danger.

It is hard to know what is real, and what is perceived, especially when you agitate my PTSD emotions or triggers.

I have reacted to perceived triggers over and over and over with no solution in sight.

Triggers can be unplugged, calmed, or handled, but not eliminated or controlled.

They happen outside our control, external and internal forces collide.

This has been a violent, drama-filled life.

Fear of failure should be on my gravestone.

That is hard to write.

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28 Jul

How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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I have done therapy for a decade, applied what I learned, then meditated rigorously, and my life is still a mess.

My trauma visits me like war visits a veteran, every day we tussle.

It is a haunting existence, a bad dream, a never-ending disorder.

It has become a miserable standoff, PTSD occupies way too much time in my life.

I learned not to trust at the earliest age.

Betrayal and abandonment from a caregiver have dire consequences.

My father isolated me, he forced me to be a loner for more control.

Life was harsh, abuse and betrayal scarred me, I am an outcast.

Why does PTSD bring so much suffering in my life, so little happiness or peace of mind?

How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

How can it wield such power?
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24 Jul

PTSD: Do you Worry

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

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These observations arrived after intense inner exploration and awareness.

I sit in dead silence, sensing my inner world for fear, anxiety, or agitation.

My earliest memories from childhood contain worry, a space sparsely inhabited by safety.

I am aware of my mind’s tendencies and wiring.

The spell breaks momentarily when I get absorbed in an activity or during meditation sits.

At times, I can take a step back and observe the thoughts connected to my worrisome brain.

He perceives real danger, it is a highly emotional feeling.

At times I can discount these thoughts as PTSD related and calm my nervous system, still, as a result, I avoid people.

The combination of worry and lack of trust has an isolating effect on my life.

Worry is such a harmful emotion for abused kids.

The blog psychological tools define worry this way:

What Is Worry?

“Worrying is a form of thinking about the future, defined as thinking about future events in a way that leaves you feeling anxious or apprehensive.

Clinically, excessive worry is the primary symptom of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).”
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My two cents: PTSD is also an anxiety disorder.

A correction, from NIH.gov

PTSD is no longer considered an anxiety-related disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition classification and instead is associated with trauma/stressor-related disorders. PTSD symptoms are clustered into four domains including intrusive experiences, avoidance, mood, and arousal symptoms.

Do you worry?
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17 Jul

Is the cure for PTSD external?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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Is the cure for PTSD external?

Do we need the perfect mate, children, a zillion friends, power, success, or what?

What are we missing?

What direction is toward healing?

What external possession or thing, do you think would cure our PTSD?

If PTSD is not a choice, then what are we missing, what holds us back from healing?

For me healing is internal.

Abstract internal things would help heal me.

Trust would be my biggest need, my biggest void.

How do we label trust?

Is it an emotion, feeling, state of mind, a cognitive function, a skill, or what?

I have tried many ways to trust.

Trust eludes me to this day.

I have rarely trusted anyone beyond the superficial.

How is your relationship with TRUST?
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1 Jul

Depression is our lonely villain

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

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Depression is our lonely villain, he/she takes over after the ravages of PTSD’s consequences.

I think PTSD proceeds into depression as we age.

If we have PTSD, we will be depressed, guaranteed.

PTSD is lifestyle threatening, we avoid, deny, isolate and become hypervigilant, reclusive, and afraid.

After the therapies, after all the reading, applying, navigating, intuitives, meditation, exposure therapy, cognitive therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, etc. Etc. Etc., life sucks.

More therapy is a repetition, sort of diminishing returns for me.

Like many vets who survived the war without trauma, later life is a different story.

That once stoic facade melts away when PTSD explodes.

Life changes overnight for these poor souls.

I had no idea PTSD was alive inside me until a crisis later in life exploded into my consciousness.

Older and weakened this onslaught had drastic consequences.

I have experienced PTSD EXPLODING from a crisis, then year’s later a hidden trauma, a betrayal deeply buried changed my life forever.

There are so many hidden traumatic memories, cloudy experiences from the past, and a sort of haunting beneath the surface.

Even if I win these battles, happiness, and peace of mind are complete strangers.

A crisis does not cultivate happiness or trust.
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9 Jun

PTSD: A few of my traits

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .


Many of these traits were accepted as old habits, part of who I was instead of PTSD symptoms.

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Distrust: Friendships can be tenuous, any betrayal ends any friendship immediately. This distrust limits deep relationships because of the basic need for protection.

Security: From my earliest memories as a child, feeling safe and supported was missing. All I know is this void. No mentor, no adult has ever gained my trust unconditionally.

Hypervigilance: Entering a restaurant, any group or meeting, my defense mechanism takes over, spotting imminent danger, always on alert. This is automatic, almost subconscious, and quick.

Avoidance: PTSD narrows life, we isolate to avoid triggers firing. Our fight or flight mechanism firing signals danger, this is our chemical version of fear.

In some strange abstract way, I fear and distrust people. Childhood abuse brings a vulnerability that never leaves as an adult. I can not grasp words to make you understand.

Thinking: PTSD brings intrusive thoughts and negative emotional trauma memories. These thoughts are numerous and highly invasive, filled with what we fear most.

Thinking, and dissociating into past trauma memories, fuels PTSD. The more time we spend ruminating into the past the more PTSD powers up.

Mood Swings: Life can be a rollercoaster ride of emotions and thoughts. I can spot the shift at times. My demeanor swings wildly and forcibly without my conscious input.

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PTSD feels like there is another self or being inside my head. A highly sensitive, dysfunctional, and vulnerable soul. That other self has the power to take over the organism and does at times.

Who am I?
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2 Jun

PTSD: Relationships

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@bendavisual


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Abused kids struggle in adult life with relationships.

We bring drama, mood swings, anxiety, lack of trust, and PTSD with us.

If we are married it takes a special mate to navigate our PTSD symptoms.

We can not act normally when triggers explode or PTSD activates with emotional intrusive thoughts.

When we isolate or avoid, how do we explain this to our mate?

We struggle with relationship responsibilities.

Before my PTSD exploded, I was married.

Afterward I was a completely different person, life narrowed for me.

In due time, the marriage collapsed. Looking back, it was mainly my fault.

A triple rollover, followed by spinal fusions, and nerve killings delivered chronic pain to my PTSD.

Hard to have a relationship when you go agoraphobic.

Inside the 15-person chronic pain group, all but one of us lost our mate.

The men left the women immediately, followed by the wives and girlfriends who stuck it out a little longer.

I subconsciously picked the female version of my abusive father for a wife.

We are attracted to familiarity without being aware of it.

PTSD is generational in my family, my dad, my first wife and the father of my grandkids all share strong narcissistic traits.

My life before PTSD exploded was different.

I can not envision that guy in my head anymore.
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