Posts Tagged ‘Judgment’

PTSD: Early mornings

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Early morning darkness has a profound silence, a haunting time to peruse the events of the coming day.

I lay in bed perfectly still, my mind always churning, searching for answers, for solutions.

Listening intently, PTSDs sirens break this stillness.

Questions pierce my consciousness, and judgments follow soon afterward.

Where has desire gone?

Since PTSD exploded a decade ago, I avoided from day one.

Desires dwindle when we avoid.

PTSD changes desires slowly as we avoid people and situations over time.

It’s like a teeter-totter, more desire less avoidance, or more avoidance less desire.

At its core is a lack of trust.
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PTSD: Blatant facts:

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Blatant facts: PTSD thoughts hide at an extremely shallow depth.

Piercing the surface is child’s play for them.

What a visual!!!!!!!

In my daily world, these thoughts haunt me, I want answers, accountability, responsibility, and justice.

None of that shit is ever going to happen.

There are few answers, and thousands of questions, we will never know or understand.

My PTSD self is elusive, he benignly senses danger.

It is hard to know what is real, and what is perceived, especially when you agitate my PTSD emotions or triggers.

I have reacted to perceived triggers over and over and over with no solution in sight.

Triggers can be unplugged, calmed, or handled, but not eliminated or controlled.

They happen outside our control, external and internal forces collide.

This has been a violent, drama-filled life.

Fear of failure should be on my gravestone.

That is hard to write.

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How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

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I have done therapy for a decade, applied what I learned, then meditated rigorously, and my life is still a mess.

My trauma visits me like war visits a veteran, every day we tussle.

It is a haunting existence, a bad dream, a never-ending disorder.

It has become a miserable standoff, PTSD occupies way too much time in my life.

I learned not to trust at the earliest age.

Betrayal and abandonment from a caregiver have dire consequences.

My father isolated me, he forced me to be a loner for more control.

Life was harsh, abuse and betrayal scarred me, I am an outcast.

Why does PTSD bring so much suffering in my life, so little happiness or peace of mind?

How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

How can it wield such power?
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PTSD: Do you Worry

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These observations arrived after intense inner exploration and awareness.

I sit in dead silence, sensing my inner world for fear, anxiety, or agitation.

My earliest memories from childhood contain worry, a space sparsely inhabited by safety.

I am aware of my mind’s tendencies and wiring.

The spell breaks momentarily when I get absorbed in an activity or during meditation sits.

At times, I can take a step back and observe the thoughts connected to my worrisome brain.

He perceives real danger, it is a highly emotional feeling.

At times I can discount these thoughts as PTSD related and calm my nervous system, still, as a result, I avoid people.

The combination of worry and lack of trust has an isolating effect on my life.

Worry is such a harmful emotion for abused kids.

The blog psychological tools define worry this way:

What Is Worry?

“Worrying is a form of thinking about the future, defined as thinking about future events in a way that leaves you feeling anxious or apprehensive.

Clinically, excessive worry is the primary symptom of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).”
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My two cents: PTSD is also an anxiety disorder.

A correction, from NIH.gov

PTSD is no longer considered an anxiety-related disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition classification and instead is associated with trauma/stressor-related disorders. PTSD symptoms are clustered into four domains including intrusive experiences, avoidance, mood, and arousal symptoms.

Do you worry?
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Is the cure for PTSD external?

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Is the cure for PTSD external?

Do we need the perfect mate, children, a zillion friends, power, success, or what?

What are we missing?

What direction is toward healing?

What external possession or thing, do you think would cure our PTSD?

If PTSD is not a choice, then what are we missing, what holds us back from healing?

For me healing is internal.

Abstract internal things would help heal me.

Trust would be my biggest need, my biggest void.

How do we label trust?

Is it an emotion, feeling, state of mind, a cognitive function, a skill, or what?

I have tried many ways to trust.

Trust eludes me to this day.

I have rarely trusted anyone beyond the superficial.

How is your relationship with TRUST?
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Depression is our lonely villain

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Depression is our lonely villain, he/she takes over after the ravages of PTSD’s consequences.

I think PTSD proceeds into depression as we age.

If we have PTSD, we will be depressed, guaranteed.

PTSD is lifestyle threatening, we avoid, deny, isolate and become hypervigilant, reclusive, and afraid.

After the therapies, after all the reading, applying, navigating, intuitives, meditation, exposure therapy, cognitive therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, etc. Etc. Etc., life sucks.

More therapy is a repetition, sort of diminishing returns for me.

Like many vets who survived the war without trauma, later life is a different story.

That once stoic facade melts away when PTSD explodes.

Life changes overnight for these poor souls.

I had no idea PTSD was alive inside me until a crisis later in life exploded into my consciousness.

Older and weakened this onslaught had drastic consequences.

I have experienced PTSD EXPLODING from a crisis, then year’s later a hidden trauma, a betrayal deeply buried changed my life forever.

There are so many hidden traumatic memories, cloudy experiences from the past, and a sort of haunting beneath the surface.

Even if I win these battles, happiness, and peace of mind are complete strangers.

A crisis does not cultivate happiness or trust.
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PTSD: A few of my traits


Many of these traits were accepted as old habits, part of who I was instead of PTSD symptoms.

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Distrust: Friendships can be tenuous, any betrayal ends any friendship immediately. This distrust limits deep relationships because of the basic need for protection.

Security: From my earliest memories as a child, feeling safe and supported was missing. All I know is this void. No mentor, no adult has ever gained my trust unconditionally.

Hypervigilance: Entering a restaurant, any group or meeting, my defense mechanism takes over, spotting imminent danger, always on alert. This is automatic, almost subconscious, and quick.

Avoidance: PTSD narrows life, we isolate to avoid triggers firing. Our fight or flight mechanism firing signals danger, this is our chemical version of fear.

In some strange abstract way, I fear and distrust people. Childhood abuse brings a vulnerability that never leaves as an adult. I can not grasp words to make you understand.

Thinking: PTSD brings intrusive thoughts and negative emotional trauma memories. These thoughts are numerous and highly invasive, filled with what we fear most.

Thinking, and dissociating into past trauma memories, fuels PTSD. The more time we spend ruminating into the past the more PTSD powers up.

Mood Swings: Life can be a rollercoaster ride of emotions and thoughts. I can spot the shift at times. My demeanor swings wildly and forcibly without my conscious input.

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PTSD feels like there is another self or being inside my head. A highly sensitive, dysfunctional, and vulnerable soul. That other self has the power to take over the organism and does at times.

Who am I?
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PTSD: Relationships

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Abused kids struggle in adult life with relationships.

We bring drama, mood swings, anxiety, lack of trust, and PTSD with us.

If we are married it takes a special mate to navigate our PTSD symptoms.

We can not act normally when triggers explode or PTSD activates with emotional intrusive thoughts.

When we isolate or avoid, how do we explain this to our mate?

We struggle with relationship responsibilities.

Before my PTSD exploded, I was married.

Afterward I was a completely different person, life narrowed for me.

In due time, the marriage collapsed. Looking back, it was mainly my fault.

A triple rollover, followed by spinal fusions, and nerve killings delivered chronic pain to my PTSD.

Hard to have a relationship when you go agoraphobic.

Inside the 15-person chronic pain group, all but one of us lost our mate.

The men left the women immediately, followed by the wives and girlfriends who stuck it out a little longer.

I subconsciously picked the female version of my abusive father for a wife.

We are attracted to familiarity without being aware of it.

PTSD is generational in my family, my dad, my first wife and the father of my grandkids all share strong narcissistic traits.

My life before PTSD exploded was different.

I can not envision that guy in my head anymore.
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PTSD: Is Happiness possible?

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I have read and studied PTSD in the military.

Many soldiers who went through a war unscathed by PTSD develop trauma symptoms later in life.

For me, it took a family crisis for my childhood abuse to explode at 55.

I can not tell you if it is better or worse to get PTSD immediately or 50 years later.

My symptoms functioned under the radar, I avoided without knowing it was a symptom.

My take on this: Serious childhood abuse and the gore of war always follow the victim through life.

The severity depends on many factors.

I never thought about seeking help (therapy), I did not know I had Complex PTSD.

The quicker you address trauma the better your chance at healing.

PTSD does not get better with time, it deepens its devastating hold on the host.

Being a senior is said to be the happiest time in life.

Complex PTSD changes that happiness into a battle for sanity.

Happiness is a strange, almost scary concept for me.

Are we failures without happiness?

PTSD brings challenges, pain, suffering, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, avoidance, and fear, and happiness has very little time and space to blossom.

Are you happy, and healed from your childhood abuse?
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Part two: Eight Contributing Factors to the Development of C-PTSD

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4 In-utero influence:

Infants born to mothers who were pregnant during a traumatic event that could have resulted in a diagnosis of PTSD (such as during the 9/11 attacks) had lower birth weights and increased levels of cortisols (chemicals that respond to stress). Although this does not necessarily result in childhood abuse or neglect, such infants can be harder to soothe, more prone to colic, and at increased risk for PTSD.

5 Family dynamics:

Parents develop different with different children. Factors that influence this bond with a child can include such things as comfort level with a child’s gender, readiness to have a child, and events surrounding the pregnancy or birth. For example, unplanned or unwanted pregnancies can lead to resentment or anger toward a child, or a difficult pregnancy or traumatic birthing process might cause a parent to reject or blame a child.

6 Modeling:

Children who grow up in abusive homes tend to be exposed to multiple risk factors. Medical care may not be consistent. There may be insufficient modeling of hygiene practices, or a lack of encouragement of health-promoting behaviors such as exercise or healthy eating. There may also be excessive modeling of high-risk behaviors like smoking or substance abuse.

7 Presence of a learning disability or ADHD:

There is a strong correlation between children with learning disabilities, including Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and child abuse. This connection appears to be bidirectional. Children who are abused are at greater risk for the development of learning disabilities because of the impact of chronic stress and trauma on their developing brain. Additionally, children who have a learning disability or ADHD are at greater risk of being abused when parents misunderstand or are triggered by their child’s cognitive differences, distractibility, or impulsivity.

8 Lack of resilience factors:

Resilience factors are those protective resources, such as parents, that alleviate the impact of childhood trauma. Research suggests that when parents are not supportive, even an attachment to an adult in your community who understands, nurtures, and protects you can lessen the impact of traumatic childhood events. Additional protective factors include participation in activities outside of the home and developing positive peer relationships. When resilience factors are lacking, the impact of neglect or abuse can be amplified by a feeling that those around you have failed to protect you.
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