Posts Tagged ‘inner critic’

20 Dec

Are normal people proud of their lives?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/16114511154814772/

.

Can therapy fix my life?

Will I ever feel normal, have warm emotions and attachments like normal people?

Will I ever feel safe in public, around strangers, or in a relationship?

Can you show me what love is?

How does it work, feel? How can you trust, how can you feel safe?

What is it? I experienced public shame when I tried to love.

I only know abuse and betrayal, I have no idea what love is, or how it works.

How do you trust another human being?

My childhood was brutal, dad beat me with a special paddle, screaming shame-filled words as he abused me.

That son of a bitch enjoyed brutalizing me.

It would take me into adulthood before I threatened him.

He was a coward facing a grown man, but the damage was done.

A coward, my father could only bully a kid.

Love does not flow from violent childhood abuse.

How do I handle the shame from childhood, from college?

Normal kids got love, abused kids received a heavy dose of shame.

Are normal people proud of their lives?

I am ashamed of my life and do not want to be reincarnated or born again.

.

.

15 Jul

Jousting with Forgiveness

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/trainer24-3242559/

.

Healing is unpacking old habits, then repeatedly and persistently inserting new healthy habits.

Like staying present instead of dissociating or letting go of thought instead of ruminating or following body sensations instead of the emotion.

Not forgiving is a huge impediment to my healing.

I replace it first with my mantra, “Forgivness is for me”.

Slowly as I delve deeper into finding ways to forgive, resistance is stiff at times, but other times the path is open.

One big change, I have decided to forgive, I will find a way.

My inner critic has received the message and recognizes I am dead serious.

Know thy enemy.

.

.

14 Jul

The Tug of War: Ego vs Inner Critic

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/saxonrider-85297/



My vicious inner critic has close ties to my male Ego, constantly reminding me of past wrongs and failures.

My inner critic loves using blame to fuel his dominance in my conscious life.

What better way of dominating our mind than bringing highly emotional, judgmental thoughts.

Trauma explodes when we grasp this rope.

PTSD is fueled in this scenario.

I have spent countless hours blaming and punishing Abusers in my visual recreations.

A total waste of time and energy, somehow we have to forgive and surrender or be owned by our abuse (abuser).

This is a tug of war, grab the rope with only one arm and the whole body is attached.

Compartmentalization does not work with trauma.

I have run from forgiving in the past, now I plant my flag and engage forgiveness.

Follow me or let me be your test dummy.

My male ego needs a revision, a spiritual awakening of sorts.

My inner critic can kiss my ass.

Sorry for that raw emotion.

Sarcasm is my vehicle of choice on this journey.

.

9 Jul

No one knows what‘s around the next Bend in the River

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , .


My kundalini teacher has struck again (sarcasm).

..

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/58265388920228552/

Spiritual work on my PTSD.

The inner critic work this month in the online meditation group agitated my vulnerabilities, a wounded part, as Jennifer says.

Doing the work, showing up every morning for the meditation group, collides with old memories of hurt and pain. Healing starts by picking the scab, what a visual that is.

I have a trauma event, one that destroyed two lives, the deepest hurt, the most shame, and rage that stayed buried until recently.

Now it has burst into my consciousness.

So Jennifer’s advice is:

“Pray for yourself to find peace and healing, pray for them to do the same, pray for forgiveness to release yourself and forgiveness to release them. Pray for an opening in your ego to allow the heart to temper it all with love and grace.”

Man, that is eloquent and profound, Allow the heart to temper it all with love and grace. Feels like magic in those words.

Praying gives me pause, I have bad experiences with religion but I understand the concept. For me I will add this to my meditation practice, working on peace and healing.

Pray for forgiveness to release yourself and forgiveness to release them, wow, is that possible?

I needed hope, mine was low, so offering a probable solution is a wonderful gift.

Beyond therapy exists holistic and spiritual healing, tools not in the therapists bag.

The next effort to heal maybe the one we have been searching for.

No one knows what’s around the next bend in the river.

Keep paddling.

.

6 Jul

When do we decide to stay or quit?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/402861129176554161/

.

In the online Kundalini group, we are working on the inner critic and the goal is to never take what others say personally.

I fail miserably, with my childhood abuse and betrayals, it seems impossible. While the group celebrates, depression takes hold, I can not behave like them, feel like them, or even fake it for a half hour.

Ten people in group celebrate the benefits of letting go criticism as if it were ordering a sandwich.

How can others do what has become next to impossible for us?

Maybe it is the smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala and compromised prefrontal cortex that makes us different, makes us incapable of being normal.

What others do seamlessly, my 🧠 brain can not accomplish.

My criticism is from a caregiver, a complete childhood and his criticism was constant and violent.

It changed my brain, I see it clearly when I join any group.

Joining a group reinforces how different my mind works, how different my thoughts and daily battles are.

I can not even fake joy for short periods.

Finally, at my age, I want the pain to just stop.

I am conflicted, do I stay in the Kundalini group?

Is it doing more good than damage?

How can we decide being inside our traumatized brains.

When we can not perform like all the others in a group, does that separate us more or what?

How do we navigate life, keep going no matter how much we suffer?

At the end of the day I have a decade of therapy, meditation and practice, it has helped tremendously but I still suffer.

I have always been an outcast soul, my father had more control in childhood with me isolated.

Can We change our basic nature?

I have changed some, the evil shit still lives on.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/611785930635528346/

.

.

.

24 Jun

PTSD is a con artist

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/973833119394298748/

.

.

PTSD is a con artist, he/she entices us into thought, discussion and then judgement.

This con artist, my inner critic, defines my dysfunctional relationship with my true self.

PTSD wants me to live as a victim, avoid risking, living fully, actually giving up a productive life to hide.

When I observe PTSD from a distance, the irrational parts stick out as flawed and filled with suffering.

I have calmed my fight or flight mechanism with therapy and meditation so I can take the opposite action.

PTSD wants me to stop living my life freely.

How about you, what does your inner critic want, a true victim to control?

Therapy and meditation have limited his powers but he still found a way to regenerate and thrive.

Now, I have learned to not only resist but to change the storyline around the inner critic.

If I stop the ruminating immediately, the narrative dies a quick death.

I refuse to feel my old PTSD unworthiness, those sirens sing but their song has lost some power. It sounds out of tune for me now.

It is these little battles for dominance that decides our PTSD war.

Discount the inner critic, take immediate action, embrace contrary thoughts, go in the opposite direction, fast.

My ruminations have lessened but this is a moment to moment battle and perfection is not our goal.

Keep on the offense, vigilant and aware of the con artist.

He/she operates best when we dissociate, leave this moment to think, this is our Achilles heal.

.

.

23 Jun

The Inner Critic: Assigning Importance

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

.
.
.
Our goal is to
find a way to live in this moment unencumbered by memory or past thought (PTSD).

Pixabay: Zorro4

Sounds ominous, complex and impossible.

My inner critic, a major contributor to the ego, causes that snowball to roll down that hill of suffering.

A sports analogy: A back in football is much easier to stop before he gets a full head of steam, similar to the inner critic, much easier to thwart before it gets momentum.

My inner critic lobbies for power, isolation, feeling like a victim and time bombarding me with worthless thoughts.

Instead of battling him/her, do the opposite.

I try to accept, let go and keep living life.

Without my negative narrative having power, life is better.

All the therapy and healing will feel numb if the inner critic still reigns supreme inside our mind.

Just for today, make a choice to change your relationship with the inner critic, act contrary to his/her wishes.

I am actively giving this approach full energy.

Any thoughts?
.
.

14 Jun

Childhood PTSD: a moment to moment battle for our sanity

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/414190496988225976/

.

.

Healing from childhood PTSD looks much different than we expect.

Our wellbeing is a moment to moment battle to stay present, letting trauma thoughts flow on through without impact.

Each day presents a new challenge, a new twist, a new trigger.

The inner critic formed from childhood abuse is a different animal, created before the brain can diminish his/her strength. It is like an inner critic on steroids, he/she has always occupied prime real estate inside our Brain.

No, childhood PTSD does not evaporate, early trauma happens before the brain develops. This hard wiring needs constant vigilance, constant awareness or suffering develops.

Now, the strongest part of my PTSD is my inner voices.

He starts that snowball rolling down that PTSD hill, grasping unworthy offerings by the inner critic.

When I grasp that inner voice of unworthiness, a train of negative storylines is given life.

My gratitude and giving work is sabotaged, the inner voice undermines all our efforts.

This is a subconscious, stealthy inner voice, part unworthy Ego and part victim, it is the only jet fuel PTSD has left.

I do not know if healing is possible but calming this culprit will bring relief.

We must have hope and take daily action or we will suffer.

This challenge from our birth is not something we can ignore.

Childhood PTSD will take our life if we let the inner critic thrive.

Others will never understand the battle we face, that is another challenge we must come to grips with.

We are much different, our life does not resemble a normal life, our thoughts are weaponized around childhood abuse and the development of our brain.

We need to support each other and take daily action.

.

13 Jun

Inner Critic Work

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , .


.
Inner voices and the inner critic are the focus of my recovery now.

Pixabay johnhain

Old habits like self shaming, having a critical relationship with myself, and self sabotage are at the core of my PTSD.

Simple phrases like, We are mature now, We are safe, We are worthy, We are loved, calm the wounded child.

I was abused in childhood not flawed, not unworthy, and not damaged at my core.

After a week of work on my inner voices, glimpses of value and acceptance have appeared.

With all the healing work done in the last decade, my inner critic is the piece that fuels my PTSD.

Worthlessness springs from these inner voices, they are the culprit.

On my healing journey, I improved in small increments, using many therapies and techniques.

Childhood PTSD presents the greatest trauma challenge for a therapist, it is not a single event that happened after the brain developed.

Childhood Trauma is like an octopus entwined around our brain development, looking from the inside it is hard for us to determine what is mind and what is trauma.

Our inner critic is formed before we become aware, before some parts of the brain develop to handle trauma efficiently.

The inner critic is part of us, so we need to soothe him and make him safe and secure first.

This is the way out of survivor mode.

Thoughts?
.
.

21 Mar

Looking back on the Week

Posted by Marty in Assorted, My Favorites. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

.

Description of this week: There is an internal war going on, battles are intermittent but intense.

My moods can switch instantly, the morose part brings many emotions, seemingly before thought even starts. Remember the defense mechanism fires immediately, the cognitive side is 5 seconds delayed.

PTSD triggers fire our defense mechanism, called our fight or flight mechanism. This is part of the mechanical, physical side of trauma. Think of that, a trigger fires before directed thought even knows what the hell just happened.

I have eliminated this repressed trauma three times, gaining some freedom for a few days, then it appears again. With my childhood trauma, once a piece was integrated, my improvement lasted.

So part of my day is good, part horrible and then the rest spent distracting my mind.

I have to play solitaire while I watch 📺 tv, it takes two things like this to prevent my mind from ruminating. Having chronic pain and being 69, I do not have the energy to go back to my workaholic distraction.

Much of my adult life, I see now, was spent working or being busy, overloaded to outrun what was chasing me. Spending time alone with my mind was avoided at all costs. Sound familiar?

Fear is not a big part of my PTSD lately, humiliation and shame are far more dangerous and debilitating.

Humiliation and shame have a huge impact on unworthiness.

Childhood abuse brings anxiety, fear and unworthiness at its core. Unworthiness and abandonment were my big fears as a child.

I was going to get beat severely no matter what.

I feared, but never cried, giving that son of a bitch (dad) any satisfaction.

Even as a little kid, there was a apart of me that would not let him think he could hurt me.

That’s hilarious now as he has stolen most of my adult life. I was using my only strength against him, sadly it was not enough.

It was the emotional crap that carried on inside. We all have strengths and weaknesses.

I can endure pain, unworthiness and shame are my weaknesses. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

For me going after the physical part of PTSD first, was using my strengths. I needed to take as much power away from PTSD before I attacked my weaknesses.

Common sense for me, comes from pro ball, how to improve and fill in your weaknesses.

It’s called the off season.

.

.

« Older Entries
%d bloggers like this: