Posts Tagged ‘Hardship’

20 Nov

Navigating a traumatized existence

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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Stating the obvious, we were innocent, helpless kids without the mental or physical abilities to escape or protect ourselves.

For me, healing looks totally different than a normal person.

Everyone talks about how connecting and trusting, having healthy social relationships are part of healing and wellbeing.

I did the opposite. Socially, trusting people was never going to happen except for an inner circle of a few.

For me, isolating from most people, stabilized my nervous system, so I could heal.

I never trusted people, never.

People betraying me, did so much damage after my childhood, I became a loner.

Finding a way to be happy without many attachments was difficult, but the alternative of a loved one betraying me was never an option after college.

I stayed alive, did not commit suicide, got up and created a private world for myself.

I am alive, I survived extreme abuse as a confused, little boy.

Terror followed me, nightmares, sweats, stomach aches, vomiting, anxiety and fear ensued.

Now, when all this explodes life goes back to feeling imminent danger is near, it exists deep inside my memories.

I can not make sense of my life and all the suffering.

Was I born to be a sufferer?

How should I endure a life filled with suffering.

Where is the worth in my life, keeps nagging me for answers

Abused kids can not escape the damage.

Any insight?

Note: I am not advocating isolating, except from your abusers, even if it is a parent until after you improve.

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22 Dec

Unworthiness turns into Self -Hate .

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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Meditation for me was not about a spiritual journey, searching for enlightenment or an awakening. Whatever the hell enlightenment is, out there, achieved after two to three decades of daily practice.

Meditation was my last hope finding relief from childhood PTSD. My dads constant criticism and abuse created a big unworthy hole in me.

A parent demanding perfection from a child, damages that child beyond belief. Life becomes a struggle, unworthiness manifests as self hate.

We abandon reading what our bodies need and start trying to fulfill the needs of the parent. We become strangers to ourselves.

I had a therapist say, if your dad wrote your epitaph on a grave stone, it would be, never good enough.

That is damage at my core, not a flaw.

Enter meditation: It took enormous daily practice to see unworthiness as a mirage. It took ten times that effort to accept and be vulnerable in the face of an unworthy trigger erupting.

Unworthy started before my mind developed. It becomes stealthy, sabotaging everything we try to do.

Unworthiness seeks solitude, desires approval over all else, then runs from negativity or criticism.

Unworthiness brings so much self hate that some external approval is needed to survive. It consumes our existence.

I have seen self hate manifest in an outwardly happy go lucky man. The desire to appear normal or the need to gain approval at all costs springs from self hate.

My unworthiness fueled my professional baseball career. I could outwork everyone else without that much difficulty.

The need for approval was far greater than any amount physical exercise.

Life was dedicated to working out, the goal was to enjoy success, which brought approval.

I accomplished my goal, even enjoyed some adulation, sports fans are passionate.

Only one problem, approval has nothing to do with healing or happiness.

I had to change my goal.

The need for approval dissiapated the more I meditated.

It is always a battle, healing is not a point of time but a daily, moment by moment awareness.

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30 Nov

Let’s practice not being special!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: dozemode

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Today, relinquish all desire to be special. Can you tolerate being ordinary or even inept at something new.

Anything we struggle with, is a great proving ground for not being special. Join an expert group you have no knowledge about the subject.

When we are the novice, having nothing to add to the group, how does your “Ego” react.

Does he/she discount this group as not important, or lobby to exit this group. One thing for sure, our “Ego” does not like not being special.

We can learn our “Egos” personality in situations like this.

Observe his/her judgments and bias.

Do you agree with these judgments.

Do your “Egos” judgments harm or benefit your being?

In truth most harm!

Explore your inner world, know when the “Ego” is leading, judging and dominating.

Learn to observe, that is be present as the Aware Presence.

Aware Presence has no memory or thought, it is a neutral observer.

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20 Aug

Does your life with Chronic Pain feel like this?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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My chronic pain was like the wind, invisible, powerful and relentless at times.

How was I going to battle such a ghost. I named my pain Mr P. after the old Happy Days show, Mr. C.

Mr. P. Was my nemesis when I hiked. Mr. P. wanted to stop my legs from moving, from confronting my fear, from taking control of my mind back.

My mindset was centered around my greatest strength, my willpower, determination. Always incorporate your strengths as part of your solutions.

My mindset as usual, a jock accepts the challenge before him/her. No way was Pain going stop my legs from moving!

My exercise routine became an emotional battle between pain and my will.

In a way it was exhilarating. I convinced myself not many humans could hike in such pain day after day.

We jocks always imagined being at bat with the bases loaded, two outs bottom of ninth, game seven of World Series. This was my chronic pain version.

Visualization is powerful. I would imagine myself in “The Last of the Mohicans” running with Hawkeye, running for our life.

Music gave me a beat that I could synchronize my legs with. My legs would move to a beat when they were exhausted, ready to quit.

Chronic pain became a friend. Adversity makes us stronger.

Chronic pain strengthened my meditation practice. I truly learned how to focus and dissipate my pain level.

Pain constricted, became much more bearable, then faded as months passed. Aerobic exercise and meditation were my tools.

I would set in the middle of my pain with my breath, no judgments just observing.

My breath could dissipate my pain. My familiarity allowed me to sit calmly inside my pain. My pain received no energy from fear, attention or thought.

After a few years I had compartmentalzed my chronic pain.

Acute pain is a different animal.

Pain eats energy but does not touch my soul, or my enthusiasm for life.

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4 Oct

Buddhism and Western medicine: a good read

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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Author:

Alex Lickerman, MD, is a physician and former director of primary care at one of the world’s most prestigious universities, the University of Chicago. He is also a practicing Nichiren Buddhist and leader in the Nichiren Buddhist lay organization, the Soka Gakkai International, USA (SGI-USA).

 

Buddhism and Western medicine would seem an incongruous mixture, but in the hands of Alex Lickerman they meld seamlessly into a recipe for overcoming life’s hardships—indeed, for turning them into advantages. An accomplished physician, Lickerman has no truck for the supernatural, but recognizes that the tenets of Nichiren Buddhism have been honed over centuries to help alleviate life’s inevitable sufferings. The Undefeated Mind is a deeply engaging story of how Lickerman has fused modern medicine with ancient wisdom to heal his patients both physically and psychologically—lessons that apply to all of us.”
–Jerry Coyne, professor of Ecology and Evolution at University of Chicago

Continue reading →

10 Mar

Ricard: Learning to welcome Difficult Emotions

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Footpath through dense greenery

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“One crucial aspect of working with our emotions is learning to stop viewing them as obstacles to our happiness.
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We almost always judge the emotions that feel bad as bad; we see them as the enemy, as something to be conquered or eradicated.”
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I think our judging happens without thought, as though it is an involuntary reflex, habitually practiced with every external experience.
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We avoid our own body functions, adrenal stress response (fight or flight), difficult emotions, (fear, anxiety, self doubt, anxiety, etc.), pain or unpleasantness.
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Having the ability to experience awkward, unpleasant, or anxious situations without judgment frees us to experience this current moment.
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Go visit an uncomfortable or awkward situation today without reacting, without judging until these emotions subside.
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Let the storyline go and feel the body sensations, intimately, quietly.
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On the surface judging steals our waking time needed to experience happiness, freedom,the present moment, life.
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99% of all judgments impact our chance of being happy negatively.
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Healing, finding happiness is not a birth right, it is earned through daily work.
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12 Aug

Irreverence is the path I choose at times now!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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Growing up in a container of violence, criticism and control, I struggled for identity, self worth.
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Trying to blend in, trying to be, or even act normal, was a constant desire.
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Overachieving was my vehicle for inflating my self worth.
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Accomplishments, titles, awards were pursued and collected in place of self worth and happiness.
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I always tried to fit in, tried to avoid being the target of ridicule as a child, then as an adult.
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I felt damaged to my core, unworthy without the possibility of redemption and happiness.
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My father’s abuse actually suppressed my true personality, extrovert became introvert for almost 60 years.
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I finally healed and a pure extrovert emerged.
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In a store the other day, I purchased the LOUDEST, BRIGHTEST, UGLIEST looking T-shirt I could find. Fluorescent actually.
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I realized that I need not project anything to others or the world to be happy or fulfilled.
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All healing and happiness originates inside, the ego’s domain is the external.
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Sit today, focus, let go, discover the real you, he/she is perfect, like the rest of us.
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11 Jul

Life isn’t about getting and having, .

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

  
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“Life isn’t about getting and having,
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it’s about giving and being.”
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–Kevin Kruse-
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When unfulfilled desire steals opportunity, suffering ensues.
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Desire and need must wane for growth and healing to begin.
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Acceptance, total acceptance of us and our current situation is the prerequisite for growth and happiness.
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Some of our day needs to be spent with the mind going slow, empty of thought, immersed in this present moment.
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19 Jun

The Physical Breath,,, Bring awareness to life’s immediate necessity air

Posted by Marty in My Favorites. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

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The inhale takes the majority of energy needed to breathe.
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Inhaling needs the chest to expand and that takes strength and effort.
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Muscles have to contract to accommodate oxygen.
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Notice what happens physically, visually when we inhale deeply.
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Focus, feel your lungs expand, fill up, and then hold this energy, life force.
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The first pause has a feeling of pressure wanting to be released.
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The deeper we breathe, the more pressure we create.
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The exhale takes little energy.
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It feels as the inhale created all the pressure (energy) needed to exhale.
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The exhale feels like a release valve on a tire.
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Tension, worry, and doubt can flow out in the exhale also.
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The chest and lungs return to resting.
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We inflate the chest and lungs and then return them back to resting, simple.
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The last pause allows the bad air to clear and the breath to have balance, flow, symmetry, rhythm.
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The most immediate, most powerful life force, the breath.
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Take a closer, deeper look.
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23 May

The Undefeated Mind by Alex Lickerman, physical and emotional pain,,, our judgment is all important or lack of it, if we are mindful!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

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“Though the experience of physical pain and emotional pain are clearly different, functional imaging studies show that, with few exceptions, the regions of the brain that these types of pain activate are identical.
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These include not only the regions responsible for giving pain its unpleasant character, but also those responsible for regulating its size, location, and intensity (perhaps partially explaining the startling finding that Tylenol, a centrally acting pain reliever, alleviates not only the pain of a smashed finger but also the pain of hurt feelings.)
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No wonder, then, that physical and emotional pain produce the same reaction: a strong desire to avoid the things that cause them.
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“Suffer what there is to suffer.
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Enjoy what there is to enjoy.
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Regard both suffering and joy as facts of life,”
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wrote Nichiren Daishonin.
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Yet most of us clearly don’t.
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Unfortunately, the strategies we use to avoid emotional pain often cause more harm than does the experience of emotional pain itself:
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more harm results, for example, from excessive drinking or drug use than from the anxiety they’re often used to anesthetize; more harm results from relationship sabotage than from the fear of intimacy that often drives it.
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Not only that, but attempting to suppress emotional pain may paradoxically increase it.
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In contrast, being accepting of emotional pain, being willing to experience it without attempting to control it, has actually been found to decrease it.”
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