Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

I am one of the lucky ones. I can resist and take action

“We need to live with less complaints and more gratitude.” Pinterest

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When PTSD is active, life changes, thought patterns simplify.

The habitual traumatic event is the only movie playing. Over and over the torment haunts us.

How do we handle this unfair life?

What do we do for attitude, effort, and hope?

For me, I know I am luckier than most with childhood PTSD. I have tools and willpower.

Most childhood abuse (C-PTSD) ends in addiction, prostitution, aberrant behavior, disease, shorter life span and suffering.

Most severely abused kids are incapable of taking action, facing their fears (abuse) or improving.

Venture on to the PTSD discussion boards and witness the flailing and suffering . The opposite of healing is going on, victimhood is celebrated in such a public dysfunctional way.

It is extremely sad.

22 vets have committed suicide everyday for last three years, while PTSD surges beyond epidemic rates.

Think of the massive amount of PTSD that grips those living in the war zones our soldier have fought in.

I am lucky. If you follow this blog, I think you are lucky because your looking to heal.

Searching still, you have not given up.

We have the willpower and courage to look for healing and look to take action.

I know happiness and trauma are inside me.

Everyday I connect to that inner guide and search for improvement, a better life.

I can resist with every molecule in my body, that along with not giving up has carved a small space that I live inside.

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We are different, much much different

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Recently my landscape has changed, many things have cleared up. I understand my triggers, the cause of my thoughts, the aberrant wiring of my young brain.

The most painful discovery, knowing how much different abused kids in childhood turn out. We are so different, damaged.

In the meditation group I joined online, the thoughts of joy, jubilation, good childhood memories, stunned me.

I get triggered while the group bathes in happy memories and effortless feeling complete, joyful. Of course this is how it seems on the surface listening. We all have struggles but their is a huge difference.

How can they be like they are, good thoughts and feelings from childhood and now. Opportunity surrounds them, it seems they radiate.

My memories are few from childhood through college, only a couple of the most violent and traumatic ones remain.

I been told I need community to help my healing, no thanks.

That would do more damage than help for me, trust was extinguished in college, so being around people triggers me and makes me hyper-vigilant.

Well, these revelations explain why we isolate, fear, avoid and deal with trauma thoughts others have no idea about.

I always wonder how someone else would of faired living my childhood.

We never know how to compare our success or losses from all this abuse. I know we should not compare.

No one around us has a clue.

A few friends know my story, they can not start to know the hurt and pain.

Child abuse makes lonely adults, inside their heads anyway.

Anyone have these kind of thoughts? Please share your battles with PTSD.

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An old favorite Shaila Catherine: thoughts are not solid

Creative Entrepreneurship (Practice)

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“You do not need to get rid of thoughts, just cease to believe them.

If you are not seduced by the story that they represent, the thoughts will not disturb your mind.

Tenzin Palmo, a nun in the Tibetan tradition wrote:

There is the thought, and then there is the knowing of the thought.

And the difference between being aware of the thought and just thinking is immense.

Normally we are so identified with our thoughts and emotions, that we are them.

We are the happiness, we are the anger, we are the fear.

We have to learn to step back and know our thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions.

They’re just mental states.

They’re not solid, they’re transparent.”

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My two cents: As I have said, thoughts are air without action.

You can not see my thoughts, so they do not exist in the world until I act on them in some way.

60,000 thoughts cross our path daily.

I would guess 55,000 plus are unknown to even us.

Why do we pick negative, trauma thoughts to grasp?

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Body and Mind: a partnership

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Let’s look at life in a different way. We are granted a body at birth, sometimes parents are part of the package. A mind comes with that body, the organ that will decide if we find wellbeing, suffering or something in between.

The body deteriorates at a much faster pace than the mind in normal times. Think of the needs of your body, then your mind.

The body is never satisfied for long, desires are never fulfilled for long. Constantly fulfilling desire leads to addiction not wellbeing.

The greatest meal on earth keeps hunger pains away for maybe 8 or 10 hours. One meal does not sustain us forever.

I mean look how often we need oxygen, four breathes a minute, every 15 seconds of so.

Then the body starts deteriorating if we reach maturity. We wither and die, no one has escaped.

What does the mind need. Well it uses 25% of the bodies oxygen and is dépendant on the body being healthy.

The mind has the option of grasping our desires, then judging success or failure on how we fulfill them.

The mind can also discount the Ego’s needs, making decisions in an unbiased observer mode.

Wellbeing happens when these two forces are balanced.

We have to fulfill certain desires but we need balance and perspective.

One banana split is wonderful, the second damn good, the third brings stomach pains.

Substitute drugs, alcohol, sex, power, status or approval for the banana split.

More desire does not quench desire, it promulgates more and more.

“Happiness does not come from having much, but from being attached to little.”

—Venerable Cheng Yen!!!

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Demystifying Meditation for Depression and PTSD

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Take the robes, lineage and all the rules out of your meditation practice. Our goal is not enlightenment, it is improving, healing or wellbeing.

I may meditate for 30 minutes but my goal is to focus on ten breaths with very specific intention. How, you may ask?

We use a combination of our senses. Thought is the enemy, thinking is the opposite of meditating. Actually these two actions happen in different hémisphères of the brain.

So let’s start: Visually; I use a model a continuum so getting lost in the pauses becomes much harder. There are visual models, the boxed breath and my breathing track. I also monitor what my eyes see with eyelids closed.

Auditory: A plethora of stimulus here. Pick out the quietest sound in the room, then go beneath it. Listen for the sound of your inhales and exhales. For me, I hear my inhales and exhales, as my focus stays inside my nostrils. For those experienced, a symphony plays inside our head, listen inside your ears.

Tactile: During the pauses, internal noise stops, it is a special opportunity to search for agitation, tightness, fear in the body. Focus on your inner world, intently. I , also focus on my third eye, or my upper lip close to my nostrils, feeling the cool inhales pass followed by the warmer exhale.

Smell: At the zen center form was important, incense and repeating phrases were staples. Incense can tell the brain it is time to meditate.

Mindset: No goals. We influence nothing, try to exert no energy, we observe and focus. We always set for others first.

Again, we are the ultimate observer, detached from thought and judgment, existing totally in this moment, unencumbered by the past.

We let thought clear, and hold an empty, focused space so our mind and body can repair as neuroscience tells us.

Know that ten focused breaths can deliver us to a no thought space, and active meditation. Once we are there time stops and the body repairs itself.

Question?

Inhale starts at bottom right corner traveling up and to the left.

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An Affirmation for Unworthiness

Pixabay: Bessi

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One of my affirmations to address unworthiness I harbor deep inside.

“In this moment right now, I feel kindness and goodness oozing out of every pore.”

What color would yours be?

Green slime for me.

Pixabay: OpenClipart-Vectors

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Things I own, permanent things

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On my arduous journey with childhood trauma, I have found a few constants, things that are permanent, only a few.

Life is complex, things we thought vital in our youth, fade in importance as we age.

Things I coveted have changed in value, possessions get damaged, stolen or worn out. Status, beauty, and health all deteriorate with time. My trophies took enormous effort, grueling competitiveness to attain, now they collect dust out of sight.

What seemed to hold ultimate happiness, disappoints quickly, then fades to the next challenge.

How many times have we chased things, college, career, status, fame etc. searching for happiness, only to find nothing behind it.

The band that dreams of a miracle hit, expecting lasting happiness, finds intense pressure in a cutthroat business to write more hits quickly, instead.

The greatest, most expensive meal in the world, turns to hunger in six hours.

Fulfilling desire does not quench the beast, it feeds it.

What endures.

For me, two things off the top of my head, giving and gratitude are constants for me. My emotions peak and valley like a big rollercoaster, but I am a giver and appreciate what I have.

Giving without regard for reward is called loving kindness by the Buddhists, a tenet of wellbeing.

Giving has always been a part of my life, being able to run a blog that helps others improve, is precious in my life.

The bond I share with a few on this healing path endures and matures.

I always count my blessings and know others have it much tougher than me.

My meditation practice is permanent, a daily companion who asks no toll for soothing my being.

My permanent things have an abstract quality to them, unlike possesssions we protect from thieves.

You can not steal my kindness, gratitude, or meditation practice. They cost nothing but are more valuable than all my possesssions.

The few things that I will leave this earth with.

How about you, what is permanent in your life?

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We are not Normal: Is that a problem for you?

CT scans belong to children of the same age, you’ll notice that the one on the left is much bigger and has fewer blurred structures than the one on the right. 

This radical difference is not caused by disease or physical injury, it’s actually the result of extreme emotional trauma and neglect.

The image comes from a paper by Professor Bruce D Perry, Chief of Psychiatry at Texas Children’s Hospital.

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Feeling good about ourselves, in childhood, in early adulthood and old age, never quite crystslizes for us.

We have that void, it is the space in our brain that being hugged, supported and loved accumulated as the base for self worth. That does not exist for us.

Ours never felt safe, instead it spotted danger, in fact imminent danger.

We have an uninvited ghost (childhood PTSD) sabotaging our “Ego” and self worth from inside our 🧠 brain.

From my perspective, all my therapy, all the books I have devoured and all the actual application of my healing skills, highlighted how much different I was from a normal person.

Instead of belonging to a family, feeling safe, secure, we are outcast from the earliest age.

For the rest of our lives, we subconsciously crave to be normal, included, invisible in the midst of our peers.

We never get close.

My joy in this life only came when I gave up the desire to be normal.

Do I have to state the obvious, that is very, very, not normal.

We live the road less 🧳 traveled, not by choice but by the unwanted abuse we endured as kids.

We spend weeks, actually a lifetime looking for inclusion and self worth.

Common man terms, we crave approval and inclusion, we are terrified of betrayal and ridicule.

We covet things that bring us approval.

Sad, none of these things contain what we lack, wellbeing, love, trust, or happiness.

Without great introspection and effort to improve, we suffer until we die.

I have found myself in two groups in my life that I never desired, chronic pain and PTSD.

It is how we accept our fate, then our ability to fight, that determines if we can carve out a small piece of mind.

This blog has given me a platform to finally feel included to a group.

I belong to your group, fellow abused kids trying to figure out trauma and find the courage to continue living.

I see it in the compassion and sharing of feelings in the response section.

This is one of the few places where I am understood and valued.

Thank you for that.

We are very hard to describe or define, we never really know why we feel and act in certain situations.

I need to work on forgiving myself everyday, it is that stream of guilt that runs underground inside us that haunts me.

Funny, when I am most vulnerable, seemingly in victim mode, sharing my weaknesses, is when my followers have given me a cyber hug.

For me, I have received more kindness on this blog than from real life.

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Compassion and Kindness

Pixabay: klimkin

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Rick Hanson:

“Very simply, compassion is wishing that beings not suffer, and kindness is wishing that they be happy.

As wishes, these are forms of desire.

Which raises an important question that we should address first:

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. . . . . . . Is desire okay?”

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Sustaining a steady mind

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“If awakening is like a mountain, in some moments you may find yourself far up the slopes– but can you stay there, on firm footing?

Or do you keep slipping back down again?”

Rick Hanson

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My two cents: My meditation practice has been deep and powerful at times, then at other times I get lost in endless thought, worry and doubt.

I reach that special place at times meditating, my issue is slipping back into the abyss an hour later.

My concentration steadies my mind and allows serene moments, fleeting contact without the bias of my ego.

Sustaining this space is my current goal.

How about you?

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