Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

PTSD is a fickle ______…… Fill in the blank

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For most of my life, I was always busy subconsciously running from my trauma demons.

Sometimes, whether we isolate or mingle gingerly, we suffer, we obsessively wonder, what does it all mean.

What is the best thing to do, risk or be safe?

Are we failing by avoiding or taking risks that do more damage?

That Octopus (PTSD) entangled around my brain has no clue how to heal, let go, ignore PTSD, live freely, effortlessly, or trust easily.

Being in a group accentuates how different my thoughts, my brain, my life is. Instead of leading to wellbeing, I feel isolated and totally different than them.

I wonder how they can be so free and jolly, while I suffer.

To say we feel a twinge of jealousy is normal, it amazes us how others attach and feel safe rather easily as we avoid, isolate and have mental anguish.

So risking, joining a group, does not bring more healing, at times it brings more unrest and more PTSD symptoms.

At this point, I have done Exposure therapy, faced my demons head on, tried vigorously, many therapies, holistic healers and adopted a daily mediation practice.

I am at a loss to further my healing.

Each day is a struggle, coping is arduous somedays, life has more pain than joy by far.

Help!

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This years dance performance

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The kid on his head is my grandson, Brighton.

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what a ham.

The girls love him. It’s better than T. V.

My Spiritual Teacher poses questions for me

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My spiritual teacher says, my “Ego” did his job extremely well and helped me survive childhood. Wow.

Thank him and soothe him, do not battle and interrogate him.

She talks about our divine masculine and feminine sides.

Funny, she says my feminine side is active, look at my empathy not repeating what my dad did to me. Interesting concept.

Had to digest those words for a while.

Maybe having the abuse I endured through childhood, gave me a better life than being in another environment. Her words bring ideas I have never imagined.

I realize all my PTSD symptoms are directly related to my “Ego”.

If I meditate, focus intently, my PTSD goes away, along with my “Ego” for a while.

My era is filled with toxic masculinity, a denial of emotions being thought of as strength.

That adds up to a flawed “Ego”, an intolerant, angry, anxious guy.

I need to filter my “Ego” through my heart. Cleanse it of the damage it accumulated navigating through childhood trauma.

Rarely, if at all, has therapy addressed my heart.

When the heart is in observer role, we are at a deeper, spiritual level.

This all resonates with me.

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Observing my mind::::::::::::Patterns

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Observing my mind during morning meditation, using that space between me and the thoughts, I saw my mind’s pattern.

Before meditating, an email bill from Comcast was double a normal month, my mind engaged automatically.

Ten minutes later focused on the breath, my mind added many trauma worries from the past, emotionally charged events, then I saw my survival mode from a distance.

Subconsciously my mind has always hunted for danger, things that would worry me. My father raised me with violent criticism, he never said a kind word.

I had to know where he was, what mood he was in and make sure I did not do anything to disappoint him.

He wanted perfection, a cold narcissist, fear was my closest companion.

This explains the depth of what I am trying to modify. I would be frustrated if Healing was expected to be easy or quick.

Meditation has allowed me to observe my mind from a distance, I watch my thoughts and patterns at times.

It is scary, depressing to admit or write it down to share.

A decade of therapy has helped me improve, but my mind has always functioned in a hybrid survival mode.

When my complex PTSD is active, survival mode is intense, spotting danger gets the highest clearance. Looking back, I lived in some form of survival mode everyday.

Even when things were going well, feeling some happiness, I was on guard, never trusting life fully. That is difficult to write and know it is true.

I strive to change this everyday.

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A loved child versus an abused one, the differences

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Abused children overdevelop the defense mechanism while revving up their nervous system. Being anxious, hypervigilant becomes second nature to us, it is how we navigate the world.

The abused child thoughts and emotions with be totally different. The abused child will be more detached, prone to large segments of time dissociating (ruminating on Trauma thoughts and emotions).

One is in survival mode, the other calm, present and looking to take risks. The abused child grows up to fear loss, public loss even more.

Unbelievable, is it not?

A loved child feels secure, supported which forms a strong attachment to their first caregivers. The opposite happened to the abused child.

The abused child grows up not trusting, being guarded, skeptical, the loved child already has strong attachments which built a foundation of trust.

Loved kids grow up to be trusting adults.

Being loved as a child does not exclude anyone from experiencing trauma later in life but that foundation of love gives them a great chance of healing.

One child feels confident, secure, the other searches for any self worth or kindness. It is a life time of searching, trying to fix what was missing in our childhood.

One craves approval, runs from criticism, feels unworthy, while the other has confidence and autonomy, lives with a sense of worthiness.

Growing up, the abused one, becomes hypervigilance and paranoid around others, seeking a safe place above all else. Risk is way to risky for us.

The loved one feels safe in a group and builds attachments with ease. He/She has way more perspective and resilience if a crisis arrives.

The abused adult will have to battle his brain for the rest of his life. If he/she has the courage to fight it, all that time invested in healing, is time not enjoying life.

I am aware of how much time, childhood abuse has stolen.

Any differences you are aware of?

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Happiness versus Emotions

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“Authentic happiness is not linked to an activity; it is a state of being, a profound emotional balance struck by a subtle understanding of how the mind functions.

While ordinary pleasures are produced by contact with pleasant objects and end when that contact is broken, sukha (happiness) —lasting well-being—is felt so long as we remain in harmony with our inner nature.”

Matthew Ricard in his book “Happiness”

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My two cents: When I am thinking about my past or projecting into the future, happiness is always absent.

Happiness versus emotions. Happiness lives inside us.

Happiness is much more solid, much longer lasting, and contains contentment while emotions are ephemeral, transparent and fleeting.

Our Ego loves using emotions to be upset, outraged at others.

Do you feel more righteous when strong emotions are added to a judgment? I know when I am angry, common sense stops and I am capable of things not even imagined when calm.

Wellbeing or happiness is much different than an emotion, like momentary joy or achievement.

Hell, I have had ten different emotions while writing this post.

Which one is me?

We all have the same amount of emotions, so emotions do not make us unique.

I have had periods where my need for approval wanes, life becomes easier as PTSD retreats.

Emotions can last as little as five seconds when not grasped.

Emotions are fine, bathe in the positive ones and let the negative ones die a death of starvation.

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Healing takes massive change in our behavior

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I have made massive changes in my life to improve from childhood abuse.

Thoughts are treated like air, useless for the most part.

Those 60,000 thoughts that arrive daily, I try to allow all to flow on through.

Emotions are ephemeral, transparent and fleeting now.

Thoughts and emotions along with anxiety ruled my world for many years, that has changed.

My awareness is a main actor on life’s stage, finally.

Do no harm starts with the guy looking back at me in the mirror. No derogatory self talk or unworthiness is tolerated.

My nervous system has become my friend, an enormous change.

I am much kinder to myself, more accepting, more loving.

My gratitude grows as I battle.

I am not afraid of traum anymore.

It is still there and takes a toll from time to time.

Guilt and worry haunted me.

They have lost great power but survive.

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This is how a narcissistic parent operates.

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Understanding our weaknesses is the first step in filling the gaps.

Realize we were like an it, a thing, an inanimate object to our narcissistic abuser.

Narcissist empathy centers are not functioning correctly.

My dad was incapable of seeing me as a person needing support or love.

Why should I be pissed at that. Brain damage or mental illness is just that.

Expecting him to repair his empathy center is beyond foolish.

Right now, it does not matter, what he felt or thought.

Healing is the responsibility of the guy who looks back at me in the bathroom mirror.

If I believe I am at the center of my happiness, this moment is the most important moment in life, then we move onto the next moment, free of any baggage.

I have carried my trauma baggage long enough.

Healing also happens in this present moment.

I can not go back in the past and alter my abuse or go into the future looking for happiness.

All we have is this mundane moment, that’s it.

Nothing I accomplish in the future can bring happiness or fix my abuse.

If we can not find a way to be happy right now, we will never be happy.

Happiness lives in one time zone, now.

This is our invisible war, no one else knows or sees happening.

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One-pointedness

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I focus on one spot when meditating, right below my nostrils, above my upper lip. I feel the cool inhales flow slowly in, then the warm air exiting a little slower.

I extend my exhales in the beginning.

Know the breath is a continuum of four parts, inhale, pause, exhale, pause.

The pauses are the 🚪 doors to the other side of our brain.

Focus on the pauses, kind of a suspended animation space. Our body expands or contracts while inhaling and exhaling, making noises as the body moves.

The pauses have the body at complete rest, silent, still.

I know if the pauses are free of thought, my meditation will be deep and restorative.

Nothing else exists for me, while inhaling I prepare to intently focus on the coming pause, then move to the exhale while anticipating a pause at total rest.

We improve by practicing things like this, they lead to healing.

We need skills to be able to stay present when triggers fire, an ability to deplete cortisol and adrenaline plus a bulletproof way of letting thoughts go.

All my therapy work and healing are channeled through me meditating.

What my therapists have told me, I executed by applying during meditation.

Meditation was a safe exposure therapy for me.

I healed inside triggers then went and confronted the actual real life triggers.

If you want to heal, change is necessary.

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We are the center of our happiness.

Real Food Whole Life

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We are the center of our happiness.

We have to learn abuse is not an excuse to avoid responsibility for living fully.

Living fully: Giving maximum effort with a good attitude.

Everytime I meditate, I expect to heal a little more, to find a little more peace and maybe find secrets I can share with you.

If I am the center of my happiness, I must take daily action to find happiness.

Happiness comes from inside.

How much responsibility do you take for your happiness?

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