Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

Healing spiritually

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A decade of therapy helped me but did not stop the demon from doing damage. My spiritual healing offers me hope, calming what therapy could not.


The online kundalini group is doing a 40-day meditation on positivity (love).

Ten minutes of breath work: Inhaling for five seconds, a short pause, exhaling for five seconds followed by a 15 second pause, then repeat.

Thoughts subside with intense focus on the breath like this.

Next, we chant for ten minutes. Chanting is new for me.

We rarely chanted at the zen center, silence was cherished.

We finish with ten minutes of deep breathing.

Instructions are to think of ourselves in the most positive, healthy, and happy way.

This is a task for us. No negativity, no gossiping all day.

I am working on opening my heart and trying to heal more spiritually.

Our job is to continually find new ways to improve, then take action.

The act of trying, and never giving up sustains us during the rough times.
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PTSD: High Anxiety

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My body feels paralyzed from the level of anxiety and unrest in my solar plexus and gut regions.

At this intensity, my mind races, and it is hard to think level-headed.

It is almost overwhelming.

Funny, how we always try to escape intense anxiety.

I find myself pacing, trying to distance myself from anxiety.

Being on edge has always been close to me.

As a kid, my anxiety was so intense I would freeze up, finding it hard to speak.

My dad brutalized me, it made me an anxious mess, and I felt helpless to protect myself.

All this followed me into adulthood.

Hard for joy or happiness to exist inside intense anxiety and fear.

I fight for my security and sanity, happiness seems a pipe dream.
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How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

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I have done therapy for a decade, applied what I learned, then meditated rigorously, and my life is still a mess.

My trauma visits me like war visits a veteran, every day we tussle.

It is a haunting existence, a bad dream, a never-ending disorder.

It has become a miserable standoff, PTSD occupies way too much time in my life.

I learned not to trust at the earliest age.

Betrayal and abandonment from a caregiver have dire consequences.

My father isolated me, he forced me to be a loner for more control.

Life was harsh, abuse and betrayal scarred me, I am an outcast.

Why does PTSD bring so much suffering in my life, so little happiness or peace of mind?

How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

How can it wield such power?
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Felt Sense from the Deep Heart

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“When we drop a question into the heart area and don’t go to the ordinary mind for an answer, we are opening to this felt sense.

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The response may first come as a subtle sensation — a vibration, for example — or it may come as a faint feeling or sensation somewhere in the body.

If we are wired visually, our response may arise as an image that may or may not also be accompanied by sensations, feelings, or words.

Ordinarily distinct modes of sensing and thinking tend to blend. Our best poets and writers have access to this multidimensional level, weaving their magic with surprising words and images.

Sometimes a wordless knowing arises — a vibrant silence.

For instance, when we explore the truth of our core limiting beliefs, we often come in touch with a wordless knowing of their irrelevance.

If we inquire into who we really are, we will quickly come to a “don’t know.”

This is not a mistake.

It signals that we have gone as far as the ordinary mind can go.

We have made a critically important discovery — the limit of the mind’s ability to know that which is not an object.

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The mind is designed to grasp ideas just as our hands are designed to grasp objects, but the mind is incapable of grasping the infinite.

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This realization brings a letting go and a new kind of openness — an openness to being open.”

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Worry, regret and blame

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“Buddhas Brain” by Rick Hansen

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“Only we humans worry about the future, regret the past, and blame ourselves for the present.

We get frustrated when we can’t have what we want, and disappointed when what we like ends.

We suffer that we suffer. We get upset about being in pain, angry about dying, sad about waking up sad yet another day.

This kind of suffering—which encompasses most of our unhappiness and dissatisfaction—is constructed by the brain.

It is made up.

Which is ironic, poignant—and supremely hopeful.

For if the brain is the cause of suffering, it can also be its cure.”
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PTSD: It is what we do, it is how we survive, this daily dedication to improve.

Normal kids have attachments and some positive events in childhood.

They grow up with enough support and approval to form a positive ego. How much is enough, I have no idea?

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That forms a foundation, experiences to reference when times get tough.

Abused kids have a big void where trust and safety blossom.

Abused kids never felt safe, physically or emotionally.

Our challenge: Find a way to navigate life with little trust and big voids.

Life has always happened too fast for me. As a child, I was always wrong, always a burden, always behind.

My thoughts were about surviving my father not going to the prom or being popular.

Yes, I wanted approval, but that took a backseat to dad.

Complex PTSD never heals completely, we will deal with varying degrees of activation for the rest of our lives.

Actions: I am starting to limit the impact of certain traumas, and a small shift has occurred.

Maybe it is from a decade of intense work or I am exhausted and old.

We do our daily work without negligible results for long periods, hoping improvement is on the way.

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It is what we do, it is how we survive, this daily dedication to improve.

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I am trying to heal, I have not given up, and I am proud of myself.
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“Never giving up” is the trait we need most


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I have learned to keep trying, to keep going when life feels hopeless.

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If you endured serious childhood abuse, life has always had a tinge of hopelessness.

We have a choice, give up, deny or never give up, no matter how bad it gets.

I wonder if my father felt powerful beating a helpless child violently and often.

These actions are so against my nature, I try not to harm anyone, especially kids.

Never giving up relies on our ability to play defense when PTSD is active.

I can not react, not panic, and not make any judgments for days until PTSD calms down.

My fear gets muted, my anxiety accepted as harmless, unattached sensations and my thoughts get discounted as worthless creations of trauma.

I may suffer but I do not fear PTSD.

I distract myself, meditate and use my mindfulness skills.

Know that PTSD is like a wave coming in, forceful and damaging until it loses its momentum.

Withstand the force of the wave and it will return to the sea harmlessly.

As much as possible, I have learned to not think, not judge while PTSD is active.

Dissociation fuels PTSD, and ruminating on triggers leads to explosions.

I am not winning the war but I do triumph in some of the battles with PTSD.
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Matthew Ricard: Aversion

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Aversion is the negative side of attachment; we may have aversion to failure, loss, instability, or discomfort; and we usually believe that if the things toward which we feel aversion happen, we’ll surely be unhappy.

It can’t be emphasized enough that to experience genuine happiness we first have to recognize what blocks it.

This includes seeing our attachments, the things we believe will bring us happiness, but which actually do just the opposite.

We will continue to pursue the conditioned strategies of behavior that we hope will bring us happiness as long as we believe they are working.

And because they sometimes do bring us some degree of personal happiness, these behaviors can get reinforced for a long time.

That’s how people get caught on the treadmill of their attachments and routines for a lifetime without making any effort to change.

Paradoxically, we’re actually fortunate if life occasionally serves us a big dose of disappointment, because it forces us to question whether our attachments and strategies really serve us.”
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How can PTSD sufferers ignore their PTSD then choose to be happy?

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Yesterday during a conversation, a friend told me they choose to be happy.

I think I need to choose to be healed first. Which is easiest, to be healed or be happy?

That hit a nerve, I knew the implication was aimed at me, my PTSD.

Is our problem with PTSD the inability to choose happiness?

I can say the words, my PTSD pays no attention.

My symptoms come from a place where words can not reach.

How can PTSD sufferers ignore their PTSD then choose to be happy?

How do you accomplish this?

This means symptoms disappear, anxiety, unworthiness, fight or flight firing, depression, hypervigilance, and intrusive thoughts.

I know words do not heal PTSD.

From my vantage point, PTSD has to recede to a level few of us reach to be happy.

I would settle for being out of suffering.

Me, not healing, angers some of my friends.

They need easy solutions to all life problems.

I frustrate them.
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Many more stressors are happening

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I wonder how PTSDers navigated life during the Civil War or the great depression.

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It seems as if the world and America have come unglued.

Covid has changed everything, our political upheaval has such vitriol, and now Roe v. Wade will bring fervent protests and violence.

If you have a dedicated meditation practice, you realize we are on this journey in harmony not competition, our path is to give and help others less fortunate.

It’s inclusion, we are all equal human beings. What a novel concept we have forgotten. Let’s clear out the homeless, they are not real people.

The intensity of hate, racism, and violence saddens me.

Where are the peacemakers and true leaders?

One side hates the other side and vice versa, as an eye for an eye leaves us all blind and lost.

Do you see more happiness, kindness or more healing in this current climate?

If you have PTSD, this turmoil heightens your distrust and fear, life becomes narrower.
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