Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

Observing my mind::::::::::::Patterns

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Observing my mind during morning meditation, using that space between me and the thoughts, I saw my mind’s pattern.

Before meditating, an email bill from Comcast was double a normal month, my mind engaged automatically.

Ten minutes later focused on the breath, my mind added many trauma worries from the past, emotionally charged events, then I saw my survival mode from a distance.

Subconsciously my mind has always hunted for danger, things that would worry me. My father raised me with violent criticism, he never said a kind word.

I had to know where he was, what mood he was in and make sure I did not do anything to disappoint him.

He wanted perfection, a cold narcissist, fear was my closest companion.

This explains the depth of what I am trying to modify. I would be frustrated if Healing was expected to be easy or quick.

Meditation has allowed me to observe my mind from a distance, I watch my thoughts and patterns at times.

It is scary, depressing to admit or write it down to share.

A decade of therapy has helped me improve, but my mind has always functioned in a hybrid survival mode.

When my complex PTSD is active, survival mode is intense, spotting danger gets the highest clearance. Looking back, I lived in some form of survival mode everyday.

Even when things were going well, feeling some happiness, I was on guard, never trusting life fully. That is difficult to write and know it is true.

I strive to change this everyday.

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A loved child versus an abused one, the differences

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Abused children overdevelop the defense mechanism while revving up their nervous system. Being anxious, hypervigilant becomes second nature to us, it is how we navigate the world.

The abused child thoughts and emotions with be totally different. The abused child will be more detached, prone to large segments of time dissociating (ruminating on Trauma thoughts and emotions).

One is in survival mode, the other calm, present and looking to take risks. The abused child grows up to fear loss, public loss even more.

Unbelievable, is it not?

A loved child feels secure, supported which forms a strong attachment to their first caregivers. The opposite happened to the abused child.

The abused child grows up not trusting, being guarded, skeptical, the loved child already has strong attachments which built a foundation of trust.

Loved kids grow up to be trusting adults.

Being loved as a child does not exclude anyone from experiencing trauma later in life but that foundation of love gives them a great chance of healing.

One child feels confident, secure, the other searches for any self worth or kindness. It is a life time of searching, trying to fix what was missing in our childhood.

One craves approval, runs from criticism, feels unworthy, while the other has confidence and autonomy, lives with a sense of worthiness.

Growing up, the abused one, becomes hypervigilance and paranoid around others, seeking a safe place above all else. Risk is way to risky for us.

The loved one feels safe in a group and builds attachments with ease. He/She has way more perspective and resilience if a crisis arrives.

The abused adult will have to battle his brain for the rest of his life. If he/she has the courage to fight it, all that time invested in healing, is time not enjoying life.

I am aware of how much time, childhood abuse has stolen.

Any differences you are aware of?

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Happiness versus Emotions

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“Authentic happiness is not linked to an activity; it is a state of being, a profound emotional balance struck by a subtle understanding of how the mind functions.

While ordinary pleasures are produced by contact with pleasant objects and end when that contact is broken, sukha (happiness) —lasting well-being—is felt so long as we remain in harmony with our inner nature.”

Matthew Ricard in his book “Happiness”

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My two cents: When I am thinking about my past or projecting into the future, happiness is always absent.

Happiness versus emotions. Happiness lives inside us.

Happiness is much more solid, much longer lasting, and contains contentment while emotions are ephemeral, transparent and fleeting.

Our Ego loves using emotions to be upset, outraged at others.

Do you feel more righteous when strong emotions are added to a judgment? I know when I am angry, common sense stops and I am capable of things not even imagined when calm.

Wellbeing or happiness is much different than an emotion, like momentary joy or achievement.

Hell, I have had ten different emotions while writing this post.

Which one is me?

We all have the same amount of emotions, so emotions do not make us unique.

I have had periods where my need for approval wanes, life becomes easier as PTSD retreats.

Emotions can last as little as five seconds when not grasped.

Emotions are fine, bathe in the positive ones and let the negative ones die a death of starvation.

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Healing takes massive change in our behavior

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I have made massive changes in my life to improve from childhood abuse.

Thoughts are treated like air, useless for the most part.

Those 60,000 thoughts that arrive daily, I try to allow all to flow on through.

Emotions are ephemeral, transparent and fleeting now.

Thoughts and emotions along with anxiety ruled my world for many years, that has changed.

My awareness is a main actor on life’s stage, finally.

Do no harm starts with the guy looking back at me in the mirror. No derogatory self talk or unworthiness is tolerated.

My nervous system has become my friend, an enormous change.

I am much kinder to myself, more accepting, more loving.

My gratitude grows as I battle.

I am not afraid of traum anymore.

It is still there and takes a toll from time to time.

Guilt and worry haunted me.

They have lost great power but survive.

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This is how a narcissistic parent operates.

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Understanding our weaknesses is the first step in filling the gaps.

Realize we were like an it, a thing, an inanimate object to our narcissistic abuser.

Narcissist empathy centers are not functioning correctly.

My dad was incapable of seeing me as a person needing support or love.

Why should I be pissed at that. Brain damage or mental illness is just that.

Expecting him to repair his empathy center is beyond foolish.

Right now, it does not matter, what he felt or thought.

Healing is the responsibility of the guy who looks back at me in the bathroom mirror.

If I believe I am at the center of my happiness, this moment is the most important moment in life, then we move onto the next moment, free of any baggage.

I have carried my trauma baggage long enough.

Healing also happens in this present moment.

I can not go back in the past and alter my abuse or go into the future looking for happiness.

All we have is this mundane moment, that’s it.

Nothing I accomplish in the future can bring happiness or fix my abuse.

If we can not find a way to be happy right now, we will never be happy.

Happiness lives in one time zone, now.

This is our invisible war, no one else knows or sees happening.

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One-pointedness

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I focus on one spot when meditating, right below my nostrils, above my upper lip. I feel the cool inhales flow slowly in, then the warm air exiting a little slower.

I extend my exhales in the beginning.

Know the breath is a continuum of four parts, inhale, pause, exhale, pause.

The pauses are the 🚪 doors to the other side of our brain.

Focus on the pauses, kind of a suspended animation space. Our body expands or contracts while inhaling and exhaling, making noises as the body moves.

The pauses have the body at complete rest, silent, still.

I know if the pauses are free of thought, my meditation will be deep and restorative.

Nothing else exists for me, while inhaling I prepare to intently focus on the coming pause, then move to the exhale while anticipating a pause at total rest.

We improve by practicing things like this, they lead to healing.

We need skills to be able to stay present when triggers fire, an ability to deplete cortisol and adrenaline plus a bulletproof way of letting thoughts go.

All my therapy work and healing are channeled through me meditating.

What my therapists have told me, I executed by applying during meditation.

Meditation was a safe exposure therapy for me.

I healed inside triggers then went and confronted the actual real life triggers.

If you want to heal, change is necessary.

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We are the center of our happiness.

Real Food Whole Life

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We are the center of our happiness.

We have to learn abuse is not an excuse to avoid responsibility for living fully.

Living fully: Giving maximum effort with a good attitude.

Everytime I meditate, I expect to heal a little more, to find a little more peace and maybe find secrets I can share with you.

If I am the center of my happiness, I must take daily action to find happiness.

Happiness comes from inside.

How much responsibility do you take for your happiness?

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PTSD: we have to take responsibility for our craziness

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I have two close friends that I have shared my feelings, my day to day details with.

I have worn them out. No way a mind not damaged from severe childhood abuse, can undedertsnd how intense and non stop trauma thoughts can be for us.

I can be an asshole to others when I am wrestling my demon. No excuse a fact.

It is the same storyline for us, repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Each time we die inside, it feels real.

That makes no sense to anyone else, but I suffer reliving it.

Our trauma is stored in a certain way. That’s how we relive it.

How could anyone understand, who has not lived this nightmare.

Sharing what my mind does everyday to me, has driven them nuts.

Now, I am not sharing with anyone, this blog is it.

It hurts to know none of my friends have a clue, how I suffer.

In a way, I am glad, no way they need to suffer.

People can not fix us, that compassion turns to frustration.

Better to suffer in silence. My opinion.

Sharing my life, my trauma, is not safe with regular folk, now.

Life has quiet, silent moments now, part of me is not of this world.

I am attached to so few human beings, now.

The quiet brings solace to my damaged soul.

Happiness happens when I am alone, at least I can find it.

Being safe or trusting others will never be part of my life.

Being severely abused as a kid has life long consequences.

People will always be dangerous for me.

Navigate that childhood terror.

Why others read my blog is a mystery.

I hurt to my very core.

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PTSD has exploded with old age, retirement

A rare peak behind the curtain the real me.

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Work and play always kept that demon inside, chasing me at bay.

With retirement and large swaths of time to think, I finally see my life, the big picture.

I am devastated.

Like many, we did not have a chance as little kids.

My childhood abuse followed me into college, where betrayal broke that abused little boys back.

It was stored as the most horrific thing that ever happened to me. I can not change how this was stored, the intensity or the harm or the event itself. Oh I have tried.

I never realized, I should never have entered a relationship with a partner, ever. I did not know the risk, the damage for life that would happen.

Childhood abuse left me damaged and incapable of ever handling betrayal, let alone public ridicule. My father so isolated me, I never confided in a soul.

I did not have anyone I trusted, anyone I would ever share humiliation, shame, loss or weakness with.

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I lived life inside my head, alone, since childhood. I was extremely vulnerable and had no clue.

I have paid a heavy price for loving someone. I never trusted a mate again. It was not conscious or cognitive, everytime a girlfriend or wife would go out alone, my bags were packed.

I did not understand why my gut would churn, my nervous system would go to tilt or why I suffered. This always caused conflict and suffering for me.

It was impossible for me to attach in a healthy way. But it felt like failure to be single.

I found it impossible to be close or trust any partner after college. I gave what was available, much of me had shut down without me knowing it.

PTSD was alive but I never knew it.

My cognitive rationalizations now, common sense, can not reach this nightmare. We can not cognitively reach ptsd or change it by talking to it, like many think.

It plays in a venue that thinks its worse than death. Somehow I need to proces this, integrate this, not try to change it.

Hard for an old guy to handle this level of anxiety, humiliation and outright fear, now.

How in the world do you fix this?

I have done the work, journeyed for a decade on the road less traveled and this is what remains.

PTSD does not care, we can suffer till we die.

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Opening my Heart: Chaos ensues Quickly! .

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Everyday the online meditation teacher instructs us to open our hearts, open that clenched fist, let the fear, betrayal, worry and doubt come out.

Wow. I find this exercise releases a barrage of chaos for me.

I enjoy hearing others rejoice as they peruse their childhoods and heartfelt experiences.

My experience has a much darker tone. I cringe and my stomach convulses, my heart contains much different data than them.

Trying to accept and eventually surrender to my demons has been emotionally and physically draining.

It hurts reliving my past, what my heart has stored.

Hard to tell which way I am headed in the middle of this.

My intentions are towards healing, facing what has torn my life apart.

It is our unknown.

Will we ever enjoy peace of mind?

I can not answer that, results are not guaranteed.

If this does not work, I will find something else.

We have to learn to accept the suffering abuse causes everyday for us.

I can not be happy now, anticipating how I will be completely healed one day.

Happiness only exists right now, this moment.

So accepting my trauma let’s me enjoy pieces of my life as happy, today.

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