Posts Tagged ‘habits’

Habits formed and practiced since childhood


My PTSD lay dormant until my mid 50’s, unbeknownst to me, subconscious habits formed.

How does a child know his ego is deformed, abuse hardwired my brain in survival mode.

How was I supposed to know, to value attachment, touch, hugs, and closeness over the safety of isolation?

Violence and criticism elevated my ability to survive over all other mechanisms.

Making friends at school was a waste of time. Dad destroyed most of them anyway.

My dad wanted total control, he tried to steal my thoughts also.

I hid my thoughts from him, I lived inside my head, the only safe place as a kid I owned.

Who was that child going to trust? Who mirrored trust for me in childhood?

I have healed an enormous amount in the last decade, my PTSD habits persist through all of this.

My room is my invisible prison or panic room, depending on your perspective.

I trust other abused kids more than normal people.

Being realistic, healing will not make me a happy-go-lucky guy.

If you offered me a meal out, tickets to a big game, invite me to a party, no desire appears great enough to leave my room.

My betrayals have left permanent scars, I do not care what psychologists opine.

We are not changing what was hard-wired throughout brain development.

We can navigate better, happy go lucky or trusting will never happen.

I am a loner because of 70 years of reinforcing my childhood abuse.

What habits have you formed?



Hidden Habits from childhood PTSD

I think my awareness is keen and sensitive, however examples of being clueless slap me in the face.

Pixabay Ver_Ena

The last three days my right hip and sciatic nerve have me laying flat in excruciating acute pain.

This pain has few similarities with my chronic pain, but it’s addition to my ever present chronic pain has crossed my threshold of coping.

I handle my chronic pain very well, acute nerve pain like this even clouds my thoughts and takes my breath away.

So my daughter blurts out, your hiking uphill so much is the cause of your hip issues.

I guess some habitual behavior connected to childhood trauma goes undetected for decades.

That took a while to sink in.

Then, I spotted that old mechanism from childhood, locked into a routine, to rigid to even notice consequences.

In my subconscious, hiking uphill strenuously was keeping me alive, lowering blood pressure, flushing poisons etc.

Most of that is true, the issue was my rigidity not finding other aerobic exercises to incorporate.

Our childhood PTSD influences many subconscious behaviors we are blind to.

I have hiked in pain, hurting, like it was my wellbeing in the balance without another option.

My childhood was locked in like that, I obeyed my dad blindly whether it felt good or hurt like hell.

There is a part of me that still has an attachment to perfection. I have tried to eliminate perfection.

Why does my mind not even entertain other options or show flexibility, be curious or explore more.

I have been hiking that 4 mile 80 story elevation change for 8 years.

My hips have to hurt to the point I can not function, can not walk before my daughter states the obvious, so oblivious to me.

Childhood PTSD is an octopus using its tentacles to impact parts of our brain.

What else in my life am I blind to?

How about you?

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