Posts Tagged ‘Gratitude’

Coping better is my Goal

Pixabay 愚木混株CDD20

.

I do not think there is a cure for childhood abuse (C-PTSD), do not think there is a space where we say, I am healed.

It is possible to learn coping skills, navigate life, and find some wellbeing.

Childhood trauma is hard wired while the brain developed, so it is never going to disappear.

There is a huge difference between actively coping with PTSD and being a victim.

Knowing I will never heal is not an opportunity to give up, the journey is the same, the results maybe different than total healing, that’s all.

I am not healed but my life has both wellbeing and suffering.

Coping is using my trauma skills to minimize PTSD’s impact when activated.

When PTSD is dormant, I Strengthen my mindfulness skills, always preparing for the next battle.

It is a precarious existence, often an internal war being waged inside the mind.

Remember our hippocampus is smaller while our amygdala is larger, combined with the left Prefrontal cortex being compromised.

Trauma will explode from time to time as we navigate life.

Our goal is to live and risk in the midst of PTSD terror and enjoy our trauma free Periods fully.

Our challenges come when intrusive thoughts bombard us at a rapid pace, then our fight or flight mechanism fires, how we handle this perceived threat determines life.

Be prepared, develop as many coping skills as possible and practice daily.

There are no guarantees with childhood trauma, life will suck at times, unworthiness and fear will prevail at times.

We do have a choice, resist or give up, deciding not to have PTSD is not an option I am aware of.

We have to be determined, courageous and have the ability to take action in the face of fear and anxiety.

I have learned not to resent my place on this earth, that is a victims stance.

Life Axiom: Sedentary is closer to death, action closer to life.

Healing takes daily action, suffering arrives without effort.

This years dance performance

.

The kid on his head is my grandson, Brighton.

.

what a ham.

The girls love him. It’s better than T. V.

Is Ptsd a bad genie in a bottle?

Genie in a bottle

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/27866091433321867/

.

.

PTSD’s power emerges from the fear and anxiety it perpetuates through dissociation.

Dissociation is the lynchpin of Ptsd, the fuel trauma uses to control life.

Without time spent in the past, judging, ruminating or just handling trauma thoughts, Ptsd whithers in that moment.

There is normal healing where life becomes easier to navigate.

Set accurate expectations, we are never going to be happy go lucky or be like others, we will be our own happy self, whatever that looks like.

Thinking in absolutes seems to be the rhetoric of the inner critic (Ptsd) employs to control us.

If we leave this present moment to delve into the past, suffering will materialize.

It’s almost like a genie in a bottle, Ptsd that is.

Ptsd is a bad genie, traumatized and unworthy at his core. Sounds like the inner critic’s voice.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/25543922874949051/

If we rub that lamp, suffering comes pouring out.

I entertain the dream, I am perfect as my true self, right now, right here, right this second, then I move onto the next minute.

Know the enemy and how he/she operates.

.

.

Navigating the harm of normal people

https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/

.

.

Over 20 vets have committed suicide everyday for the last three years.

Why couldn’t they just let it go, be strong. They had families, children and responsibilities.

What force could drive them to give up and take their own lives.

A normal person, not abused in childhood, has no clue what forces drive them to take their own lives.

I understand exactly why they take their lives, to stop the pain.

Wonder how they reacted when people told them to just let it go? Ignore your trauma and act normal, ignore the anxiety, ignore the fear.

I would like to see anyone of them handle my childhood trauma so easily and completely.

Our prisons are full of abused kids, growing up dysfunctional as adults, why did they fail, why couldn’t they just let their PTSD go?

How many abused young girls become prostitutes and drug addicts, cutters and suicidal risks?

Why could they not just let their sexually abusive childhoods go?

The outside world sees us as weak and broken. I have entered spaces and shared my childhood trauma trying to heal, my boldness has brought rebuke and pain.

I am not weak, I doubt if any of them could of walked my life or your life.

I get upset when supposed friends invalidate my PTSD and suffering.

I guess part of our suffering is enduring never being validated by normal people.

I must be seriously flawed not being able to effortlessly let my trauma go.

We get burnt over and over when we share our suffering.

Now, I will search for relief in private again.

Besides my therapist, this is the only safe place I have to share my trauma challenges.

Thank all of you for understanding.

Thoughts, experiences, ideas?

.

.

Orphan Triplets: separated by class then studied

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/1055599892591489/

.

.

My rational mind has no understanding why a certain traumatic event carries such power and fear.

My rational mind has no control over when and how intense PTSD will erupt or last. All I know is my effort to heal this out of control demon.

The irrational, PTSD part of my mind, runs without input from my rational, cognitive side of my brain.

Cognitively, I know normal people are able to let past memories go and move on.

I understand trauma is stored as implicit memory in the right amygdala and also in the body.

The consequences of these mechanisms changes life forever.

The differences between self image, thought patterns, levels of cortisol, anxiety, fear of people, and trust is massive.

The difference between a severely abused child’s life and one who is supported is drastic.

They have taken orphaned triplets in England and placed them in different households to study the impact of childhood. Some were sent to different economic conditions , one poor, one average and one well to do.

They did not tell the kids or adoptive parents what they were doing. This was a study on the influence of class on kids.

The nurturing of the kids was more important than class. A poor foster dad who was devoted to his kid turned out fine.

These researchers were playing God. The kids met in there 40’s, not knowing they had two other twins.

One of the kids placed in a rich home committed suicide, so class is not the only factor.

It’s between biology and nurturing that decides what life will be.

In today’s environment I doubt if you could do such a study again, playing with life for science.

In real life, birth is the ultimate lottery ticket.

.

.

Zen Things also trauma healing things

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/477874210435372390/

.

Live simply, focus and make awareness a strong habit.

.

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/154037249732823989/

.

Both posters are about living in the moment, letting the past go and making the mundane important.

.

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/293648838193682323/

.

Nature knows the way.

.

PTSD: Relationships

.

.

The science of childhood trauma says relationships will be difficult if not damn near impossible with many people.

Our minds are not free, moving on quickly from certain stimulus does not happen. What our friends slough off easily haunts us.

I am on guard and wary while friends are free and oblivious to the danger. While I spot danger, a friend will not even know others exist all around us.

I wonder how that is possible!

How can their nervous system not be ready, mine reacts involuntarily and quickly. So their nervous system is calm, relaxed, at ease where mine prepares for battle.

When mundane situations trigger me while with friends or a date, it is embarrassing, sometimes it feels humiliating.

The big difference is what happens inside our minds, how our friends feel and see nothing but mundane behavior, while our nervous system spots imminent danger and reacts.

Since my trauma has erupted again navigating people has become to costly emotionally for me.

So much trauma is active with me trying to heal, I struggle in the midst of this violent storm.

Have you ever felt not part of the world, like we are living a different reality than others.

What I face my friends have no clue, I watch how they live and think.

How can life be so free and safe for them?

Relationships are a mine field for us.

.

.

PTSD: Awareness of my masculinity was the problem

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/211174969350714/

.

.

My therapists have helped me improve, cared about me getting better, but PTSD still persisted, life was a mine field.

This week my spiritual teacher, at no cost, uncovered a crucial factor impacting my life.

Underlying all my trauma was this identity my father pounded into me, being a man. How to act, how to always be strong, how to never show weakness, was the alpha male model I developed.

This rigid male character looked powerful on the surface, underneath was a cauldron of fear and panic. How I was taught to interact with other men was the problem.

Over a decade of therapy and no mention of toxic masculinity, as I suffered, defending that image of manhood.

As stated in the last post, my gloom and doom disappeared, the unexpected consequence was my current dealings with living.

A neighbors questionable action upset my household this week. My first response, my old masculinity wanted to confront this neighbor with force.

That kind of response was so natural, I did not even think about it, almost reflexive.

That light bulb went off again, a response was not warranted, I finally needed to prove nothing. As I realized this fact, all the conflict and anxiety dropped away.

I wanted to heal from old trauma, never thought about how that would change today’s interactions.

All that therapy and the important issue of toxic masculinity never surfaced.

I thought my healing journey was exhaustive, reading and devouring everything about childhood PTSD.

How did I miss this integral part?

I worked on “Ego”, recreating and affirming a worthy new one.

My own flawed masculinity always was in control, stealthily but firmly in charge.

So many of my issues have softened with this big shift away from being some crazy alpha male stud.

My main two therapist have helped me on my journey and I am grateful.

Blaming others was part of my toxic masculinity.

It is the fear of our “Ego” being annihilated.

That can not happen but I feared the hell out of it.

I could not let this demon go, until my spiritual teacher pointed it out.

Awareness was the gift she bestowed on me and I am grateful.

Never give up, never give in, always take action in the face of fear.

.

.

Forgiveness: fertile ground for healing

Pixabay: BenteBoe

.

.

The zoom kundalini groups focus this next 40 days is forgiveness.

My long held trauma wants to punish or take revenge on offenders in my life. Do we not want some to pay, to suffer for betrayals or damage done to us?

So this mantra, I forgive everyone for everything they have done to harm me, startled my inner world. Forgiveness is my most fertile ground, ready for healing.

Forgiving everyone first for harming us, then asking for forgiveness and receiving from anyone we have harmed, followed by forgiving ourselves for all we have done to harm ourselves.

I was taught my Zen meditation practice was better than all others, my Ego relished that feeling of superiority.

Now, I have stumbled on another form of meditation, that is better at healing trauma and much easier to practice for beginners or experienced meditators.

The lesson: Always be open to new ideas and paths, life offers a myriad of new choices.

Healing has only happened when I was able to take action.

I had to be humble and vulnerable to heal.

It is not like we are riding on a white horse conquering the vile enemy, it is being scared to death, vulnerable but still exhibiting the courage to lean into what scares us the most that brings the soothing touch of healing.

.

.

Another look: 18 Characteristics of Codependents and 9 Truths to Support Recovery By Carmen Sakurai

.

.

Excerpt:

“What Is Codependency?

Also knows as “relationship addiction,” the codependent is addicted to relationships and the validation they get from them. They will do whatever it takes, including sacrificing their own personal needs and well-being, to keep receiving this validation.

Root Cause of Codependency

Codependency is usually rooted during childhood. The child grows up in a home where their emotions are ignored or punished because the parent (or parents) suffer from mental illness, addiction, or other issues. This emotional neglect results in a child having low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, and shame.

Common Characteristics of Codependents

You are hyper-aware of other people’s needs so you become a caretaker to avoid being blamed for other people’s unhappiness and/or to feed your self-esteem by making them happy.

You believe that love and pain are synonymous. This becomes a familiar feeling so you continue to allow friends, family, and romantic relationships to behave poorly and treat you with disrespect.

Your self-esteem and self-worth are dependent on those you are trying to please. Your self-worth is based on whether or not other people are happy with what you can do for them. You over-schedule yourself with other people’s priorities to prove you are worthy.

You people-please. As a child, having a preference or speaking up resulted in being punished. You quickly learned that letting others have their way spared you from that pain.

You’re afraid to upset or disappoint others, which often leads to over-extending yourself to avoid negative feedback.

You always put others’ needs before your own. You feel guilt if you don’t follow through even if it means sacrificing your well-being. You ignore your own feelings and needs, reasoning that others are more deserving of your time and help.

You lack boundaries. You have trouble speaking up for yourself and saying NO. You allow people to take advantage of your kindness because you don’t want to be responsible for their hurt their feelings.

You feel guilty and ashamed about things you didn’t even do. You were blamed for everything as a child, so you continue to expect everyone to believe this about you now.

You’re always on edge. This is due to growing up in an environment lacking security and stability. While healthy parents protect their children from harm and danger, dysfunctional parents are the source of fear for their children and distorts their self perception.

You feel unworthy and lonely. You were always told you are not good enough and everything is your fault. The dysfunctional parent conditioned you to believe that you are of no value to anyone, leaving you with no one to turn to.

You don’t trust anyone. If you can’t even trust your own parents, who can you trust? Your unhealthy childhood conditioning lead you to believe that you do not deserve honesty or to feel safe.

You won’t let others help you. You’d rather give than receive. You try to avoid having to owe someone for the help they give you, or have the favor used against you. You’d also rather do it yourself because others can’t do it your way.

You are controlling. You were conditioned to believe that you are a “good boy/girl” if those around you are OK. So when life feels overwhelming, you try to find order by controlling others instead of fixing what needs repairs in your own life.

You have unrealistic expectations for yourself as a result of the harsh criticism you constantly received as a child.

You complain about how unhappy your life has become then quickly take it back to protect your ego, trapping you in an unending cycle of complain/deny.

You melt into others. You have difficulty separating yourself from other people’s feelings, needs, and even identities. You define your identity in relation to others, while lacking a solid sense of self.

You are a martyr. You are always giving without receiving, then feel angry, resentful and taken advantage of.

You are passive-aggressive. You feel angry and resentful and complain about “having to do everything” – while you continue doing everything on your own.

You fear criticism, rejection, and failure so you procrastinate on your own dreams and goals. Instead, you manage and control people’s plans and extract fulfillment when they succeed.

These self-destructive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are based on distorted beliefs that developed as a result of emotional abuse during your childhood. As a helpless child, it was necessary to adapt these behaviors in order to survive.”

.

.

%d bloggers like this: