Posts Tagged ‘Focus’

People tell me PTSD is a choice


Friends tell me PTSD is a choice, choose not to think about PTSD and it will disappear.

Pixabay ArtsyBee

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I am lost I guess, after a decade of work, PTSD being a choice is the farthest from the truth in my trauma world.

I get frustrated with the simplistic solutions that do not work for me.

My PTSD runs on its own without any help from me. I have been asked if I really want to heal or do I want to suffer with PTSD.

How do you answer such an uniformed insult?

We are supposed to ignore our trauma, our triggers and assume a normal posture, a normal life.

At my worst, my fight or flight firing 15 times a day, my body filled with cortisol and adrenaline, agoraphobia took root.

Somehow, someway, my desires should go back to normal.

My desires have never been normal, my life has never been normal, abuse always nullified desire for me.

I tried to not think about PTSD yesterday.

Is there something I am missing like this is a cure.

Nothing changed.

People do not understand violent childhood abuse.

This isolates me more, my tendency is to pull away from these voices.

My life, my PTSD, frustrates people, there is always an answer, always a cure, always a happy ending.

Damn what a life this is.

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Inner critics impact on memory, self image

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Our inner critic impacts much more than the present moment, He/She colors every memory.

The inner critic sees our existence through a prism of unworthiness.

Memories are felt through the unworthy inner critic, much more negative than the average Jack or Jill.

Our memories are sabotaged, the past seems quite a night mare.

A narcissist is the polar opposite of us, he/she reads every memory close to adoration, unworthiness does not exist in this mind.

Our Ego and self image flow from the inner critic. Our personality is joined with this negative culprit, the inner critic.

Our inner critic has operated from the earliest memories as a kid, intertwined inside brain development.

It is my goal to unplug this destructive entity, calming the voice, soothing the critic, overwhelming him/her with living in this moment.

The inner critic steals opportunity, doubt and worry keeps us from risking, living fully.

Accomplishments only last a short time, fear of failure returns quickly, peace of mind is my dream healing destination.

My goals are to improve some each day, healing is out of my control or reach right now.

I have a specific target now, my inner voice.

I like to use a laser like focus, one specific symptom at a time.

Life will be better if I can manage this beast of burden.

Attitude and effort is all I control, may I smile while busting ass to heal.

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Quieting the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD

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FEBRUARY 14, 2019 TRACI POWELL

Complex PTSD involves a strong inner critic that presents a great challenge to recovery. Learn to manage PTSD’s inner critic to decrease emotional flashbacks at HealthyPlace.

One of the greatest challenges of complex posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is quieting the inner critic. The critic develops as a result of a neglectful or abusive home in which caregivers do not provide a sense of safe attachment in the child. Many children in this situation will enact perfectionist mode, believing if they could just be good enough or do things well enough, they can prove their worth and earn parental love. However, over time, as perfectionism fails to create the bond the child so desperately needs, anxiety and sadness build in the child.

As anxiety grows due to failed attempts at perfection, the inner critic finds its voice. The child begins to search for all of the ways he or she is flawed, becomes hyper self-critical and takes on the blame of the parent’s lack of affection. The critic can become even worse when the abusive environment includes constant berating about the child’s stupidity or worthlessness.

Eventually, the child believes emphatically that he or she is inherently faulty. Still needing parental love, a cycle begins of perfectionism to win over the parents followed by severe self-criticism. As perfection continues to fail, over time, perceived imperfection becomes deeply attached to fear and shame.

How the Inner Critic of Complex PTSD Causes Emotional Flashbacks

My childhood was filled with people who were wounded people themselves and therefore completely unable to provide me with a sense of safety and love. I took the perfectionist route, which not only didn’t make my family treat me better but instead resulted in ridicule or physical harm. Eventually, I connected doing good with being very bad, but I just continued to work harder at perfection to prove my worth.

Now, I have a very present inner critic. For a long time, I shamed myself for every little or big mistake, which would result in me making choices that were not healthy because I was angry at myself for what I felt was me not being good enough. I still struggle to ignore my inner critic at times. It loves to tell me how worthless and imperfect I am, which leads to me emotionally flashing back to the days when I felt that way all of the time. Once my inner critic takes charge of my thinking, I can spiral quickly into depression and anxiety.

Silence Your Inner Critic to Manage Complex PTSD

Because your inner critic is so closely tied to the feelings of worthlessness you had as a child, it’s important to stop it as soon as possible. One of the best defenses against the inner critic is to fight back with positive thoughts. If you can move quickly to identify the inner critic thought and replace it with a new positive one, you can head off a spiral down into an emotional flashback.

Take note of situations in which your inner critic most often comes out. For me, it almost always happens if I’m taking a class because school was where I always tried the hardest to prove my worth. Even if I were to receive 99 percent on a paper, I would instantly start beating myself up over the missed point that kept me from receiving a perfect score. That little one point has caused my inner critic to lead me down into emotional flashbacks so badly that I quit a class, believing I had no right to participate.

Now, whether it’s a class or anything else in life, I do my best to fight the critic and give myself credit for the part that I did right. This helps the abused little girl in me to feel it’s ok to not be perfect.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to find anything positive when the inner critic has already sent you into a flashback. To be prepared for such situations, take time to create a list of some of your positive qualities and accomplishments, no matter how small. This list can act as a constant reminder to the adult you that you are a worthy individual, helping you battle the emotional flashback. As you learn to interrupt your inner critic, you’ll begin to be on your own side and teach the child within you to know that he or she has value.

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My two cents: This is a huge issue for me, my inner voice fuels unworthiness.

My new focus is to damper this demon.

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Orphan Triplets: separated by class then studied

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/1055599892591489/

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My rational mind has no understanding why a certain traumatic event carries such power and fear.

My rational mind has no control over when and how intense PTSD will erupt or last. All I know is my effort to heal this out of control demon.

The irrational, PTSD part of my mind, runs without input from my rational, cognitive side of my brain.

Cognitively, I know normal people are able to let past memories go and move on.

I understand trauma is stored as implicit memory in the right amygdala and also in the body.

The consequences of these mechanisms changes life forever.

The differences between self image, thought patterns, levels of cortisol, anxiety, fear of people, and trust is massive.

The difference between a severely abused child’s life and one who is supported is drastic.

They have taken orphaned triplets in England and placed them in different households to study the impact of childhood. Some were sent to different economic conditions , one poor, one average and one well to do.

They did not tell the kids or adoptive parents what they were doing. This was a study on the influence of class on kids.

The nurturing of the kids was more important than class. A poor foster dad who was devoted to his kid turned out fine.

These researchers were playing God. The kids met in there 40’s, not knowing they had two other twins.

One of the kids placed in a rich home committed suicide, so class is not the only factor.

It’s between biology and nurturing that decides what life will be.

In today’s environment I doubt if you could do such a study again, playing with life for science.

In real life, birth is the ultimate lottery ticket.

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My moods shift, ptsd ignites again

Pixabay: pixel2013

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This is my mood right now, by noon it will shift, by six another emotion will rule, life is a struggle, it is painful.

It took me 8 years of intense therapy and meditation to calm all my PTSD symptoms. I was not completely healed but life was good for two years.

I meditated five hours a day for five years, went to weekly therapy, read everything on therapy, trauma, meditation, mindfulness and many spiritual or holistic healers..

It was the only two year period of relief in my life.

Now an old trauma ignited my childhood abuse, my PTSD has fired up again.

I thought it was dead, thought I beat it.

Ten years of work, how can it regenerate like this?

I have not given up but I have lost hope of ever healing, now.

Many people have spoken to me, when they had no response for my old trauma, they said bad shit happens.

It’s like that makes it ok or something, many people suffer the rest of their life after bad shit happening.

Always those without childhood abuse say just move on, it is simple, easy for them.

People are clueless and do more harm, friendships end.

I search and find something new, pour my heart into it, get momentary relief, then trauma eats my ass up again.

No matter how much some of us work, healing will likely never happen.

Sometimes hiking I wish I could just keep going deep in the woods, hike right off this damn planet, be free of what people have done to me.

I wish the pain would stop.

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PTSD is in Flux: Yeah?

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/32369691061507877/

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A couple of things happened recently, an on-line session with my therapist and my kundalini teacher exposing me to ideas outside the my narrative.

I always thought my childhood was a curse, Jennifer offered the idea that having my father may of saved my life.

Now that concept was way out of the box. Never had I envisioned my childhood being a positive.

Then I saw my trauma, trying to heal trauma, clouded my whole existence.

Working on integrating my childhood, my triggers, my PTSD, neglected my inner child, my self worth and my functioning in the world right now.

Childhood PTSD is extremely complex, we get lost in that abuse forest at times.

PTSD is irrational, illogical, confusing and frightening.

We need to continually assess our path and focus.

My days are spent working on this moment, not past trauma anymore.

The change in itself feels like a breath of fresh air.

My intrusive thoughts have calmed.

I have always faced my challenges with resistance, force, not responding with strength would show weakness.

That’s my Unworthiness manifesting in blind action.

Finally I see a space, an opportunity to change.

Inner work is finally paying off.

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Zen Things also trauma healing things

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/477874210435372390/

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Live simply, focus and make awareness a strong habit.

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https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/154037249732823989/

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Both posters are about living in the moment, letting the past go and making the mundane important.

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https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/293648838193682323/

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Nature knows the way.

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I always thought my inner child was the weakest most damaged part of me

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/4574037110564549/

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Childhood trauma has this extra dimension, an inner child who had to navigate abuse while the brain was not developed. We can integrate all the trauma we experienced and still our hardwiring is unchanged.

I saw my abused inner child, as vulnerable and weak, the origin of all the PTSD. My thought was it needed fixing, repaired, made over.

Shifting my focus away from trauma and triggers into functioning in this moment, has brought a massive change in how I see my inner child.

Without knowing it, in a response I wrote to the last post, my inner child became the strongest, bravest part of me.

My inner child had the fewest tools, was the most vulnerable part of my life but he survived the greatest abuse, childhood.

Instead of a meek coward, he navigated his way into adulthood with great strength. As an adult I see he survived where mature Marty would of failed.

Is this thinking outside the box or just Awareness being a reward for my inner exploration?

That inner child had strengths others did not have. He could endure intense pain and still take action.

My inner child developed incredible willpower and never gave up in the face of hardship.

What a paradigm shift from victim to my leading freedom fighter.

Now my challenge is to soothe that inner child in current situations, reparent in a way.

Again, this approach is trying to not handle my trauma, it is about functioning now, in this situation, this moment.

I have danced around the inner child numerous times and have written posts in the past, but something was different this time.

I never thought my inner child was the bravest part of my life.

My perceived weakness might be my biggest strength in reality.

How about you?

Your inner child helped you survive also.

He/She maybe your ultimate strength, not the damaged mess we perceive.

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How to Do Inner-Child Work for Healing Trauma and Self-Acceptance by Sheleana Aiyana

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By connecting with our inner-child, we gain access to new information about our unhealed wounds, and the needs that may not have been met when we were actually children.

Then, “reparenting” becomes the process of meeting those needs and practicing self-care so we can operate in the world as happy, functional adults.

Susan Anderson, the author of the Journey from Abandonment to Healing explains the layers of inner-child work in 3 parts – the Inner-Child, the Outer-Child and the Adult Self. Her explanation is really helpful when we seek to understand our own coping mechanisms and behavior patterns on a deeper level. My descriptions for the inner and outer child are adapted from her work.

Below, I cover how to identify your inner and outer child, the wounded inner child and the integrated adult. Then, we move onto how to reconnect, nurture and heal the inner-child.

….Inner-Child

The “little you” – tender, emotional. Your inner-child is the innocent part of you – all about feelings and your primal needs.

Vulnerable and innocent

Deep feeling and sensitivity

Curious, creative and playful

Craves love, recognition, and validation

Desires connection and safety

Open-minded

Total in expression – be it anger, sadness, joy

….Outer-Child

Responsible for self-defeating behaviors, self-sabotage. The outer child responds to the inner-child and can over-protect by acting out.

Self-defeating behaviors

Loss of control over behavior and reactions

Uncalibrated in the expression of anger

Impatient and impulsive

Self-centered and focused on having needs met

Sabotages your inner-growth and fights change

Over-protects inner-child by pushing love away

…..Wounded Inner-Child

Response to emotional or psychological neglect.

A deep-seated belief that you are broken.

Fear of abandonment and loss of love.

Insecure and low-self esteem.

Loss of self in an attempt to gain approval from others.

Fearful of setting boundaries or saying “no”.

Seeking instant-gratification through substances, shopping, distraction, and procrastination.

https://risingwoman.com/inner-child-work-healing-trauma-self-acceptance/

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Intrusive thoughts brought suffering for me

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/45599014967974172/

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Intrusive thoughts have been the PTSD symptom that has haunted me. This symptoms activates many of the other symptoms we suffer from.

The last few days intrusive thoughts have all but left the building, changing all my focus to functioning in the present moment has alleviated that concern for now.

What a wonderful gift in itself.

No, I am not healed but the mind can be approached in many more ways than I thought.

My first priority was to calm the fight or flight mechanism.

Then all the fun begins fighting to get our lives back.

Many times we are not even close to working on what needs to be integrated.

PTSD is so irrational and confusing at times, we need direction and tools to navigate.

Try my new approach, leave the past alone, focus on this present moment and work on that behavior, our reactions to people and situations.

Intrusive thoughts have a hard time penetrating when we assume this posture.

If something has stopped working, adapt, pivot and try something new.

I have found taking risks with therapy is a must from time to time.

Childhood trauma will not be healed by a therapist, I can assure you of that.

I have done the vast majority of my healing alone.

Take a step back and evaluate your healing path, make changes and reapply maximum effort.

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