Posts Tagged ‘Focus’

Do not focus on limitations, find a small specific goal to relentlessly pursue.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/846958273680956350/

.

PTSD confuses the mind it inhabits with symptoms that prepare him/her for an imminent threat. This scenario is part of survival mode, a highly charged emotional state of danger, followed by an avoidance, a denial, or a numbing freeze state of existence.

All this is complex and overpowering for any mind to handle.

Those who strive to improve know the limitations childhood abuse places on their lives.

Out of this complex crisis, we need to find simple, bulletproof ways to battle trauma.

Our rules to improve: Forget about limitations, forget about judgments, forget about healing, focus on one small specific goal at a time.

My goal is to sense and move my PTSD energy around and out of my body.

Healing is not my goal, that is way too abstract and complex.

Our goal should be within reach, practical and specific.

Obtain a goal then move to the next challenge.

Never try to address more than one symptom at a time.

We are using a laser, pinpointing a small specific goal, not a shotgun approach.

Let go of all those judgments and predictions, stay focused in the moment with our goal as our bellwether.

Questions we search for: What is PTSD’s favorite emotion?

What is his favorite narrative?

What are his patterns?

Feel its energy flowing inside, sense its purpose, and roadmap.

Know thy enemy intimately, knowledge is power in this battle.

Know your PTSD micro-energy movements and behavior.

I have a one-word chant, a mantra to open my heart, solar plexus for me, a release word to say when trauma energy is present.

It is Yam, pronounced Yaam, a simple vibration to focus on opening and releasing my PTSD energy.

If nothing else it is something to focus on instead of the narrative.

Simple execution, practice the mantra during the day, then apply anytime we sense PTSD energy flowing.

Simplify the goal, use intense focus and awareness, practice daily with intent.

In my mind I relentlessly pursue my small, specific goal daily.

We need to see ourselves as warriors not victims, not helpless.

Good hunting!

.

.

Rudid96 asks is the Ego bad? ………….No!

From guidedmindclearance.com

.

Rudid96:

“Is the Ego all ‘bad’? Is it the repository of false thoughts, feelings, & actions? Or, does it hold some value? I was wondering if all those thoughts were a form of energy gone awry? In the grand scheme of life, even coach roaches hold some value.”

.

.

My two cents: The Ego is created to separate us or identify us from others. I am Marty, you are Rudid96, my rewards and punishments can be properly distributed from society.

One more time Rudid96, my meditation practice, or my ability to focus intently on my breath, allows me to take a step back and observe my Ego.

We are not obligated to ever listen to our Ego.

.

.

Let the Ego identity us, then let loose of those voids, the need for constant approval, the curse of worrying, doubting, and separating.

Stay present, observe what the senses bring to you, refrain from judgment.

In this space, the ego has faded from consciousness, reality is available for us.

Dissociation, thinking about things in the past or future is the highway for the “Ego” to gain control of us.

The “Ego” is a positive creation for normal kids and a damaged one for abused kids.

Our childhood abuse helped create an unworthy Ego filled with shame, failure, and unworthiness.

The next issue to maneuver stems from the Ego never feeling equal to another equal.

That can lead to drama, turmoil, and harsh emotions without proper perspective.

We can change the Ego, alter some of the abusive thoughts into more positive feelings.

Our goal is to keep the Ego’s desires in perspective.

In common man terms, the Ego is the cognitive invention, he/she compares everything and everyone it encounters, then adds strong emotions to gain power.

The true self is the heartfelt intuition that arrives from deep inside.

Our intuition is the opposite of thought, it is our true compass.

The Ego is clueless for direction and impact on our life.

The Ego’s behavior is harmful at times, we need to know when he/she goes astray.

Long-time meditating monks navigate life with so much less ego than us.

Does that explain why they enjoy such a euphoric existence?

YES!

I think wonderment happens when we are not involved in thought.

.

Thought is not the greatest power of our mind, in fact it is a small part of our capability.

You can not find the Ego without connection to thought.

We should try to think as little as possible. Limit dissociation and suffering, direct thought, never wander into memory.

.

.

What does improving (healing) feel like, look like?

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/927389748238170585/

.

In the beginning, PTSD was a stranger, an unknown entity.

It took me six months of discovery and reading to understand what Ptsd was all about. Finding therapies and skills to heal took more time.

Then, healing only arrived with great effort, the results were subtle, unnoticed for days and weeks.

In my healing period, I could feel a shift inside, then a couple of days later, calm would arrive.

For me, a couple of days of nirvana-type feelings surrounded me before the next buried trauma arrived.

At other times, it was like I took a few side steps, changing the angle my trauma was viewed.

This different landscape changed the power of Ptsd.

In my opinion, those two steps to the side were away from my Ego.

Healing looks and feels different than we can ever imagine.

Without the Egos penchant for drama, bias, and turmoil, reality looks much different.

The ability to be flexible, to be able to change and adapt is key to wellbeing.

Get to know your Ego, his/her tendencies, vulnerabilities, judgments.

What is your Ego’s favorite emotion?

What is your Ego’s favorite narrative?

How can you battle a ghost, get to know your mind, your mind’s creation, the Ego!

.

.

Rudid96 asks about self and feelings

.

Self: Each of us has a true self, he/she is the same every day, perfect and permanent. We create this other-self, for identity, a guy called Marty. Marty is my “Ego”.

Know this: No Ego ever feels equal to another Ego. Is this the reason our Ego is the ultimate judging machine? Walk into a room with ten people around a table, our Ego has automatically ranked us compared to everyone else. The Ego feels superior to some and inferior to others, here in lies the issue with navigating “Ego’s”.

Resentment, jealousy, anger, and other negative emotions are attached to trauma thoughts.

Realize that emotions are transparent, ephemeral, and fleeting, they arrive, stay a while then change to another emotion.

Rudid96, we place way too much importance on emotions, on thoughts, and judgments.

The Ego is a creation of the left hemisphere, a cognitive judgment of our place on this planet. This judgment takes into account how others treat us, how our first caregivers raised us, and how we value ourselves, all wrapped together in a package we call “Ego”.

The true self does not get involved in fleeting impermanent emotions, he/she observes life in the present moment free of thought.

Remember the right hemisphere of our brain has no words, thoughts, there are no judgments, no right or wrong, no good or bad on this side.

As Rick Hanson has explained in “Buddhas Brain”, you can not find an emotional center of the brain without thoughts being attached. Thoughts attach to emotions, trauma thoughts attach to violent emotions.

Marty, a left-brain invention, is flawed, I know he is in control when strong emotions arise. I have told people that they have pissed my Ego off, luckily I paid no attention.

My true self is not engaged in this worthless endeavor. My true self is not pissed, not engaged in Ptsd thoughts, not thinking in fact. No strong emotions are present, calm, and easiness takes over.

When strong emotions are present, our Ego is in control or dominating by atrocious thoughts.

My true self does not have Ptsd, the other guy, the guy who judges and thinks has PTSD. If no thought exists on the right side of my brain, no PTSD exists either.

Know we have created this Ego, and we can alter him/her with work.

Thoughts?

.

.

Childhood PTSD is like herding cats

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/566046246891715375/

.

At my worst, my fight or flight exploded 15 times a day, things were out of control.

At one point, my mind and nervous system were not under my control, I was numb, frozen, shaken, and terrified.

Being overwhelmed, terrified, anxious, furiously trying to avoid further suffering, I would risk my life to escape that hell.

It’s easy to see how addiction and suicide are the solutions too many choose to stop the pain.

Ptsd was like herding cats, wholly irrational to try and corral trauma or felines, thoughts would escape from the pack.

Without notice intense emotional terror would arrive in an instant, my fight or flight would violently fire, I was in survival mode, sometimes in public, frozen, unable to speak.

I never wanted to be vulnerable around people.

Childhood taught me being powerless will get you abused.

It is almost impossible to not think, to try and stop thoughts.

Try to stop thoughts and they will proliferate like rabbits.

Focusing on the breath intently, letting thoughts fade on their own, can be accomplished.

https://www.beabetterhitter.com/baseball-bat-sweet-spot/

When I played pro baseball, intense concentration was a skill all hitters possessed.

Sometimes, 30,000 screaming fans, along with the pressure of performing, the real danger from getting hit, possibly failing, creep into our minds.

If I could not block out everything else except that baseball, failure was assured.

You learn to spot spin, seeing the seams of the ball rotate quickly, knowing a breaking ball is coming.

If your thinking you fail. Thought is way too slow.

It sounds easy but you only have .4 seconds to locate the pitch, recognize it’s not coming towards your head, then have the hand-eye coordination to hit a round ball with a round bat.

On top of that, the sweet spot of the bat we need to hit the ball is about 8 inches long and maybe an inch wide at the barrel of the bat.

I had a head start on being able to meditate and did not know it.

Now instead of a ball, I focus on my breath, looking inward. All the while whether it is a ball or my breath, cognition has stopped.

Victory is unattainable, we fight for this moment, then the next, this simple, small, mundane existence, it is our life.

The ultimate goal is not healing, it is never giving up.

.

.

My Blog may not be helpful lately

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/211174968221885/

My intrusive thoughts never stop at times, normal people can not comprehend this or experience it. I do not dig up intrusive trauma thoughts they arrive on their own.

.

.

My leading, helping others out has been sparse or nonexistent lately, PTSD is alive and persistent, overbearing, powerful, I strain for the correct description.

At my worst, life stopped, I could not leave the house, I was frozen, shaking for hours, darkness marked another day survived.

My fight or flight exploded 15 times a day, I was agoraphobic, irrational fear, and anxiety imprisoned me. My prescribing Ph.D. psychologist had me on 350 milligrams of effector, a normal dose is 75.

Life was horrible. He thought I was messed up.

My mind could not handle a nervous system tilted upside down, I had lost control of everything, I reacted and suffered.

All my work has calmed my physical symptoms adequately, it is the intrusive thoughts, my mind thinking that haunts my waking hours.

My mind is out of control again, intrusive thoughts, trauma memories run constantly.

Thoughts arrive without our input, an abused kid’s thoughts could not be more different, more trauma laced, more negative, or more destructive than a normal child’s. An abused kids thoughts trigger ptsd, fear, and anxiety.

All my tools, grounding skills, focus skills, tricks, and meditating focus have minimal impact.

I am worn out physically and mentally right now.

It does feel like a war inside.

Depression becomes the second biggest symptom, actually co-morbid with PTSD.

Life is horrible again.

I know that is irrational but so is my whole life.

I share when things go well, why hide my challenges and losses.

I have to make sure everyone knows I am not giving up, just suffering and whining some.

.

The Journey for abused Kids

https://pixabay.com/users/sreza24595-9538179/

.

In the beginning, healing was always slow, an amazing amount of time and effort are invested for a small return.

Healing was so subtle I did not notice for months, small improvements were underway.

A trauma event as an adult, brain fully developed, is much different than childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma has a depth, a plethora of unknowns, seemingly unending instances of more abuse.

This creates some big issues.

An adult endures abuse or a horrible accident and develops PTSD. He/She knows what a normal non-traumatized existence feels like.

He/She has a finite, one-off trauma to deal with. Healing is much quicker, much easier with good tools and effort.

His/Her brain is developed and handles trauma much differently than a kid with a brain incapable of handling life.

An abused kid has never experienced a normal life, never known life without emotional or physical abuse.

An abused kid’s brain is altered from that trauma, smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala, and compromised prefrontal cortex.

Our brains are injured and trauma is mixed up with brain development. As an adult, we fail to realize we need in-depth counseling or maybe in-house therapy.

We do not have a basis to understand our life is screwed up.

We have never experienced normal, how do we know what life is like for others.

My friends think I am just crazy, weak, and stuck. They have simple fixes, then question me for not being brave enough or skilled enough to live life as they do.

I wonder how they would have survived my childhood, my dad.

I did not seek help until I was about 60.

We are similar to narcissist, how can we see something wrong with us with nothing to compare it to. Life has always been like this for us, we have not experienced support or attachment or normalcy.

Childhood abuse is a well with no bottom, no end, no hope.

That is how it feels and looks to us at times.

None of this allows us to give up trying to heal.

.

?

How to use our Meditation to heal

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/563018692772773/

.

.

“Pray for yourself to find peace and healing, pray for them to do the same, pray for forgiveness to release yourself and forgiveness to release them. Pray for an opening in your ego to allow the heart to temper it all with love and grace.”

My two cents: How do I go about accomplishing these goals?

First by setting intention before meditation.

I was taught to ask for information, knowledge not solutions in my intention.

Asking for different ways, different ideas, outside the box that will help me succeed, has helped me in the past.

It uses the law of attraction and the basic building block of neuroscience, where we place our attention grows, where we withhold withers and dies.

There must be many ways to find peace and healing.

It’s like climbing a ladder, each rung we ascend expands our horizon, our visual reality.

How many ways are there to open our hearts that I have never entertained.

The big issue for me is forgiveness. Praying for the ability to forgive is a unique approach.

Trying to just forgive has not worked for me yet.

The hurt and shame feel alive, present, oh PTSD is so irrational.

That’s why the phrase “Pray for an opening in your ego to allow the heart to temper it all with love and grace” gives me hope.

Cognitively or rationally forgiveness feels impossible, opening the heart seems the only path.

What has worked in your attempts at forgiving the abuser or abusers?

Next post we will craft an affirmation around our goals.

.

.

A look at my childhood minus the PTSD


My father was from a family of 15, he was in the middle of that order with a paternal twin. My mother was an only child raised Catholic by two atheist.

Yea that’s a weird match.

Mom got pregnant at 16, had me at 17 and that was the end of their high school education.

I was raised by crazy kids.

Mom was a fanatic with religion, dads only interest besides a weekly bowling league was for me to be Roy Hobbs, from The Natural, the greatest baseball hitter ever.

My parents were out there but found a way to exist, divorce was not recognized by the Catholic Church, my mom was stuck.

Playing baseball was his total interest in me. Oh I had to get good grades, be damn near perfect and have my behavior make him look good at all costs also.

He really never had conversations with me, I either did something to piss him off or it was baseball.

He criticized and lectured, we never had a conversation, ever.

If I brought up an idea about me being something other than a pro ball player, Mom would say God made you to play ball.

I did not talk much, fear and self protection were the emotions used for survival. Why would I ever say something and risk his wrath.

School had knowledge, dialogue but it brought social challenges.

You can understand why I was socially awkward, I was damn near a mute at home.

They controlled who I could have for friends and dad did not allow me to date, in his eyes women were a risk to my baseball career.

If he could of branded me showing ownership, it would of been a big bold tattoo.

Years later I returned home from across the country for some event, they could not believe I was a talkative adult. I was an extrovert, who knew.

And yes I moved as far away as I could.

Some of this was abusive but look at their lives.

My daughter explains my mother’s dilemma, in 1950, unwed and pregnant, her future husband was a violent narcissist.

Maybe it was a life sentence for her.

Who knows.

As an old man, I am lost, life has never had purpose or direction. I do not know how to have purpose or direction.

I try to heal a little more each day but life is hallow and has way to much suffering without a purpose.

We all have our challenges.

Any insights, comments or opinions?
.
.

The Dance between PTSD and our Thoughts

.

.

Taking a step back, perusing life around me, then exploring my mind, ideas percolate.

So much of well-being depends on our thoughts, abstract inventions filled with bias and emotion.

Expressed by wrote or speech, certain thoughts are damaging if we adopt them.

Remember 60,000 thoughts cross our consciousness daily.

Why do trauma thoughts dominate the 60,000, take up all the oxygen in the room?

Who do PTSD emotionally charged thoughts have so much power?

Why do some never go away, not present all the time but visit each new day.

Thoughts can shape our narrative, identity who we think we are, waste huge amounts of time pursuing that image.

Implicit memory (stored trauma) brings the scariest thoughts, lethal threat memories of abuse or trauma.

On the PTSD discussion boards, childhood abuse and rape were constant companions for so many.

Stuck in the violence of childhood like an invisible prison, suffering is the dish served over and over.

Recovery seemed impossible from my observation point.

For me, healing has taken power from these memories, granted me periods of well-being.

I realize some thoughts become weaponized with emotions, seeming enormously powerful, it is all hot air.

PTSD is a bully, know thine own trauma well.

Matthew Ricard describes thought as ephemeral, fleeting and hollow.

Our thoughts on self (self-worth) are extremely important.

These thoughts influence the Ego’s (identity) creation.

Our Ego has been severely compromised during childhood, we need to reparent and be aware of how the mind works.

Therapy and meditation have been my reparenting effort.

The mind is extremely complex but is programmed by simple repetitive actions.

For me that action was found in meditating, learning to focus intensely.

Calming my nervous system and being able to let negative thoughts go, remain my most powerful tools.

.

.

%d bloggers like this: