Posts Tagged ‘Focus’

My Blog may not be helpful lately

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My intrusive thoughts never stop at times, normal people can not comprehend this or experience it. I do not dig up intrusive trauma thoughts they arrive on their own.

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My leading, helping others out has been sparse or nonexistent lately, PTSD is alive and persistent, overbearing, powerful, I strain for the correct description.

At my worst, life stopped, I could not leave the house, I was frozen, shaking for hours, darkness marked another day survived.

My fight or flight exploded 15 times a day, I was agoraphobic, irrational fear, and anxiety imprisoned me. My prescribing Ph.D. psychologist had me on 350 milligrams of effector, a normal dose is 75.

Life was horrible. He thought I was messed up.

My mind could not handle a nervous system tilted upside down, I had lost control of everything, I reacted and suffered.

All my work has calmed my physical symptoms adequately, it is the intrusive thoughts, my mind thinking that haunts my waking hours.

My mind is out of control again, intrusive thoughts, trauma memories run constantly.

Thoughts arrive without our input, an abused kid’s thoughts could not be more different, more trauma laced, more negative, or more destructive than a normal child’s. An abused kids thoughts trigger ptsd, fear, and anxiety.

All my tools, grounding skills, focus skills, tricks, and meditating focus have minimal impact.

I am worn out physically and mentally right now.

It does feel like a war inside.

Depression becomes the second biggest symptom, actually co-morbid with PTSD.

Life is horrible again.

I know that is irrational but so is my whole life.

I share when things go well, why hide my challenges and losses.

I have to make sure everyone knows I am not giving up, just suffering and whining some.

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The Journey for abused Kids

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In the beginning, healing was always slow, an amazing amount of time and effort are invested for a small return.

Healing was so subtle I did not notice for months, small improvements were underway.

A trauma event as an adult, brain fully developed, is much different than childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma has a depth, a plethora of unknowns, seemingly unending instances of more abuse.

This creates some big issues.

An adult endures abuse or a horrible accident and develops PTSD. He/She knows what a normal non-traumatized existence feels like.

He/She has a finite, one-off trauma to deal with. Healing is much quicker, much easier with good tools and effort.

His/Her brain is developed and handles trauma much differently than a kid with a brain incapable of handling life.

An abused kid has never experienced a normal life, never known life without emotional or physical abuse.

An abused kid’s brain is altered from that trauma, smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala, and compromised prefrontal cortex.

Our brains are injured and trauma is mixed up with brain development. As an adult, we fail to realize we need in-depth counseling or maybe in-house therapy.

We do not have a basis to understand our life is screwed up.

We have never experienced normal, how do we know what life is like for others.

My friends think I am just crazy, weak, and stuck. They have simple fixes, then question me for not being brave enough or skilled enough to live life as they do.

I wonder how they would have survived my childhood, my dad.

I did not seek help until I was about 60.

We are similar to narcissist, how can we see something wrong with us with nothing to compare it to. Life has always been like this for us, we have not experienced support or attachment or normalcy.

Childhood abuse is a well with no bottom, no end, no hope.

That is how it feels and looks to us at times.

None of this allows us to give up trying to heal.

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How to use our Meditation to heal

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“Pray for yourself to find peace and healing, pray for them to do the same, pray for forgiveness to release yourself and forgiveness to release them. Pray for an opening in your ego to allow the heart to temper it all with love and grace.”

My two cents: How do I go about accomplishing these goals?

First by setting intention before meditation.

I was taught to ask for information, knowledge not solutions in my intention.

Asking for different ways, different ideas, outside the box that will help me succeed, has helped me in the past.

It uses the law of attraction and the basic building block of neuroscience, where we place our attention grows, where we withhold withers and dies.

There must be many ways to find peace and healing.

It’s like climbing a ladder, each rung we ascend expands our horizon, our visual reality.

How many ways are there to open our hearts that I have never entertained.

The big issue for me is forgiveness. Praying for the ability to forgive is a unique approach.

Trying to just forgive has not worked for me yet.

The hurt and shame feel alive, present, oh PTSD is so irrational.

That’s why the phrase “Pray for an opening in your ego to allow the heart to temper it all with love and grace” gives me hope.

Cognitively or rationally forgiveness feels impossible, opening the heart seems the only path.

What has worked in your attempts at forgiving the abuser or abusers?

Next post we will craft an affirmation around our goals.

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A look at my childhood minus the PTSD


My father was from a family of 15, he was in the middle of that order with a paternal twin. My mother was an only child raised Catholic by two atheist.

Yea that’s a weird match.

Mom got pregnant at 16, had me at 17 and that was the end of their high school education.

I was raised by crazy kids.

Mom was a fanatic with religion, dads only interest besides a weekly bowling league was for me to be Roy Hobbs, from The Natural, the greatest baseball hitter ever.

My parents were out there but found a way to exist, divorce was not recognized by the Catholic Church, my mom was stuck.

Playing baseball was his total interest in me. Oh I had to get good grades, be damn near perfect and have my behavior make him look good at all costs also.

He really never had conversations with me, I either did something to piss him off or it was baseball.

He criticized and lectured, we never had a conversation, ever.

If I brought up an idea about me being something other than a pro ball player, Mom would say God made you to play ball.

I did not talk much, fear and self protection were the emotions used for survival. Why would I ever say something and risk his wrath.

School had knowledge, dialogue but it brought social challenges.

You can understand why I was socially awkward, I was damn near a mute at home.

They controlled who I could have for friends and dad did not allow me to date, in his eyes women were a risk to my baseball career.

If he could of branded me showing ownership, it would of been a big bold tattoo.

Years later I returned home from across the country for some event, they could not believe I was a talkative adult. I was an extrovert, who knew.

And yes I moved as far away as I could.

Some of this was abusive but look at their lives.

My daughter explains my mother’s dilemma, in 1950, unwed and pregnant, her future husband was a violent narcissist.

Maybe it was a life sentence for her.

Who knows.

As an old man, I am lost, life has never had purpose or direction. I do not know how to have purpose or direction.

I try to heal a little more each day but life is hallow and has way to much suffering without a purpose.

We all have our challenges.

Any insights, comments or opinions?
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The Dance between PTSD and our Thoughts

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Taking a step back, perusing life around me, then exploring my mind, ideas percolate.

So much of well-being depends on our thoughts, abstract inventions filled with bias and emotion.

Expressed by wrote or speech, certain thoughts are damaging if we adopt them.

Remember 60,000 thoughts cross our consciousness daily.

Why do trauma thoughts dominate the 60,000, take up all the oxygen in the room?

Who do PTSD emotionally charged thoughts have so much power?

Why do some never go away, not present all the time but visit each new day.

Thoughts can shape our narrative, identity who we think we are, waste huge amounts of time pursuing that image.

Implicit memory (stored trauma) brings the scariest thoughts, lethal threat memories of abuse or trauma.

On the PTSD discussion boards, childhood abuse and rape were constant companions for so many.

Stuck in the violence of childhood like an invisible prison, suffering is the dish served over and over.

Recovery seemed impossible from my observation point.

For me, healing has taken power from these memories, granted me periods of well-being.

I realize some thoughts become weaponized with emotions, seeming enormously powerful, it is all hot air.

PTSD is a bully, know thine own trauma well.

Matthew Ricard describes thought as ephemeral, fleeting and hollow.

Our thoughts on self (self-worth) are extremely important.

These thoughts influence the Ego’s (identity) creation.

Our Ego has been severely compromised during childhood, we need to reparent and be aware of how the mind works.

Therapy and meditation have been my reparenting effort.

The mind is extremely complex but is programmed by simple repetitive actions.

For me that action was found in meditating, learning to focus intensely.

Calming my nervous system and being able to let negative thoughts go, remain my most powerful tools.

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Lessons I have learned

https://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?rs=typed&q=ptsd%20healing

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After a long energetic effort with therapy and practice to heal, my life was still a damn mess.

In my old wisdom, if that is a real thing, learning to function in the midst of PTSD is the new gold on my healing path.

Listen, my childhood abuse, wiring of my brain in survival mode, is never going away.

My ability to function, discount the noise and take action is a part of my happiness in life, the oasis in this PTSD desert.

It is not about winning, it is how we fight, how much energy we exert, how much adversity can we respond to.

How resilient can we be along this path, how many times can we get back up.

This is not the road of an easy life, many succumb without much resistance.

My purpose is to live as freely as possible despite PTSD and inspire you to never give up.

We rarely take big risks.

We face adversity and the collapse of our boundaries.

Adversity is not a punishment, some think opportunity lies within adversity.

Adversity is ever present in our lives, attitude and effort are the tools needed to resist and continue living.

Effort has always been easy for me, attitude is difficult when unworthiness and depression try to consume me.

Another lesson I use is the knowledge that PTSD is cyclical, it explodes with cortisol and adrenaline, fills us with anxiety and fear, then recedes in time back to our normal.

Know the pattern of trauma firing up, staying a while then returning back to normal.

Some Wisdom: I have survived my worst flare ups already, with PTSD active and powered up, so my fear level has dropped.

PTSD can do nothing new to me that I have not already endured or survived.

So PTSD has thrown its biggest punches and I am still standing, so are you, maybe you have not realized the accomplishment yet.

Realize that therapy even once a week is only 4 hours a month, our time alone accounts for 720 hours. 720 hours versus 4 hours.

Where do you think healing will happen?

Mine happened on my own time, sometimes directed by my therapists input, most of the time while meditating using my tools.

Next, Find a mentor.

Books were my first mentor, books on neuroscience, PTSD therapies, war, meditation and holistic cures.

PTSD discussion boards were next, a negative place filled with victims acting out, taught me what not to do.

Lessons are hidden everywhere.

Now, I follow blogs that inspire me as part of my daily routine.

Please share one of your tools that has made a difference.

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PTSD: finding our way

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As a lay person, I know nearly as much as most therapists about childhood PTSD, in my opinion.

Yes, this has been helpful improving but healing therapies, therapists and holistic solutions have their limitations.

I lost my mind for a few months when an old buried trauma decided to surface.

All those old therapies and tools did not stick to the proverbial wall, life narrowed, became rigid and my options dwindled.

Childhood trauma has been highly resistant to healing for all of us at times.

We get lost, angry, ashamed and frustrated, suffering feels endless at these moments.

That’s when we need to find our own way out, intuitively.

Meditation has let me visualize things outside the box.

Now, I refuse to follow my inner critic or let PTSD mood swings impact behavior.

Not really a therapy but a valuable skill for me.

In a way, I have rationally refused to have the past rule my present moment.

Instead of letting ptsd fear and anxiety impact my thoughts, behavior, I do the opposite.

Feels so much freer not handling old trauma and the past.

Is this healing?

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Changing my PTSD habits

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Many of my trauma habits were hidden, subconsciously out of sight for decades.

I never understood why my thoughts, my life was so much different.

Unfortunately, many of my behaviors were trauma related, highly dysfunctional and confusing.

My healing journey has pivoted many times, now I focus on the outcome.

I want to not react, when my PTSD spots danger, unworthiness or outrage.

That’s correct, not react physically and not react to the storyline of PTSD.

I know this will be good for me!

Our goal is to let go of the perceived wrong as quickly as possible.

I will have more wellbeing if I can learn not to react, not to give it power.

This focus is ever present, has nothing to do with old trauma, just do not react, now.

I believe this is the way to calm the inner critic.

Take power away from him/her.

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People tell me PTSD is a choice


Friends tell me PTSD is a choice, choose not to think about PTSD and it will disappear.

Pixabay ArtsyBee

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I am lost I guess, after a decade of work, PTSD being a choice is the farthest from the truth in my trauma world.

I get frustrated with the simplistic solutions that do not work for me.

My PTSD runs on its own without any help from me. I have been asked if I really want to heal or do I want to suffer with PTSD.

How do you answer such an uniformed insult?

We are supposed to ignore our trauma, our triggers and assume a normal posture, a normal life.

At my worst, my fight or flight firing 15 times a day, my body filled with cortisol and adrenaline, agoraphobia took root.

Somehow, someway, my desires should go back to normal.

My desires have never been normal, my life has never been normal, abuse always nullified desire for me.

I tried to not think about PTSD yesterday.

Is there something I am missing like this is a cure.

Nothing changed.

People do not understand violent childhood abuse.

This isolates me more, my tendency is to pull away from these voices.

My life, my PTSD, frustrates people, there is always an answer, always a cure, always a happy ending.

Damn what a life this is.

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Inner critics impact on memory, self image

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Our inner critic impacts much more than the present moment, He/She colors every memory.

The inner critic sees our existence through a prism of unworthiness.

Memories are felt through the unworthy inner critic, much more negative than the average Jack or Jill.

Our memories are sabotaged, the past seems quite a night mare.

A narcissist is the polar opposite of us, he/she reads every memory close to adoration, unworthiness does not exist in this mind.

Our Ego and self image flow from the inner critic. Our personality is joined with this negative culprit, the inner critic.

Our inner critic has operated from the earliest memories as a kid, intertwined inside brain development.

It is my goal to unplug this destructive entity, calming the voice, soothing the critic, overwhelming him/her with living in this moment.

The inner critic steals opportunity, doubt and worry keeps us from risking, living fully.

Accomplishments only last a short time, fear of failure returns quickly, peace of mind is my dream healing destination.

My goals are to improve some each day, healing is out of my control or reach right now.

I have a specific target now, my inner voice.

I like to use a laser like focus, one specific symptom at a time.

Life will be better if I can manage this beast of burden.

Attitude and effort is all I control, may I smile while busting ass to heal.

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