Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

Heart-Brain Communication



“Traditionally, the study of communication pathways between the head and heart has been approached from a rather one-sided perspective, with scientists focusing primarily on the heart’s responses to the brain’s commands.

We have learned, however, that communication between the heart and brain actually is a dynamic, ongoing, two-way dialogue, with each organ continuously influencing the other’s function.

Research has shown that the heart communicates to the brain in four major ways: neurologically (through the transmission of nerve impulses), biochemically (via hormones and neurotransmitters), biophysically (through pressure waves) and energetically (through electromagnetic field interactions).

Communication along all these conduits significantly affects the brain’s activity. Moreover, our research shows that messages the heart sends to the brain also can affect performance.”

The heart communicates with the brain and body in four ways:

Neurological communication (nervous system)

Biochemical communication (hormones)

Biophysical communication (pulse wave)

Energetic communication (electromagnetic fields)



PTSD does not own me: Attitude




Yes, I am damaged from serious childhood abuse, but PTSD does not own me!

Yes, I suffer at times, whine and complain, but my attitude of never giving up, persists.

There is a space inside me that will never give up, that will suffer with a good attitude and all our effort even without results.




Winning does not depend on me healing, it depends on me not giving up in the face of my struggles.




In the beginning of my struggles, when things got bad, I always increased my effort. My jock mentality knew trauma was the enemy and weakness was the last thing needed.

We have to find that space in our heart, that holds firm when things feel hopeless. We have to define our goals and attitude.

PTSD can humble us to our core, scare the hell out of us with what we fear most. Can you keep a good attitude and increase effort when things are bleak?

Trauma fear arrives as the scariest space we encounter, reinforced with our fight or flight mechanism dumping cortisol and adrenaline into the blood stream.

Our courage is connected to our attitude.

If we are afraid, Attitude suffers.

We heal by heading directly towards our trauma.

How many PTSD sufferers head towards their trauma?

That’s how we heal.

Avoidance powers PTSD.

I avoided at all costs in the beginning.

I learned the hard way how to heal by making every mistake.

Learn from my path, my experience, take action.

Meditation heads directly at our trauma.



PTSD takes one of two paths



From what I know and have read, after a traumatic event, one of three things will happen.

Some will not get PTSD, in fact there is a low percentage of people who will not develop PTSD.

Some will develop PTSD within a couple of months or immediately.

If we are going to develop PTSD, being aware of it immediately gives us a chance to heal the quickest.

Then there are people like me, who develop PTSD decades later. A crisis later in life along with getting older, weaker, exposes long buried terror. My trauma kind of fermented subconsciously.

It impacts our behavior without us knowing its presence.

For me, I knew something was different, wrong, damaged about me. It was always a mystery, I had some symptoms but never knew the cause.

So we limp along through life, we have never known anything different since childhood.

My two biggest traumas were different. My dad was nuts, a violent narcissist, I was always aware something was wrong.

This other trauma was repressed into memory, completely out of consciousness for 50 years. I do not understand how. It was shocking when it exploded.

How do you deal with trauma that is 50 years old?

The PTSD emotions are that of a 19 year old, strong, almost overpowering for a 69 year old guy.

Trauma is stored at the time it happens with all the attached emotions.

Our minds try to change the event or our reaction to the trauma. How can it feel so real?

It presents itself as near life and death.

It is irrational, cognitively impossible, but PTSD has special power until we integrate it.

I have not found a path to healing without pain, turbulence and suffering.

There is no way around our trauma. No easy solutions.

Each of us must face our trauma head on if we want relief.

This is why so few heal from serious prolonged abuse.




PTSD: Things that bring relief



My first break with fighting PTSD came when I found meditation inside Acceptance and Committment therapy.

Building focus on my breath countered my intrusive thoughts. I found a way to let thoughts clear for short periods of time.

Next, meditation slowly unplugged my fight or flight mechanism from firing for PTSD triggers. This was a monumental step towards healing and calming the fear.

Without our nervous system hitting tilt all the time, trauma loses some of its teeth.

Next, I was taught to enter a task, drop the concept of time, getting done quickly or any cognitive judgment. Be the knife that slowly slices the vegetables.

We are preparing the best meal with our present ingredients. Each task deserves our complete awareness.

That is living in a mindful way. We start by picking a mundane chore and then practice entering, deeper and deeper, until time stops.

Doing laundry used to be a chore, now my purpose is to make my grandkids look as good as possible. Time melts. Each blouse and shirt is meticulously put on a hanger.

My mind calms, my nervous system applies the brakes, I experience a soothing, grounded feeling.

This feeling is unique, I need to expand into other tasks.

Forget about time, complete the task with focus, precision and purpose.

Learn to just be (observer), without needing to judge an event as good or bad, right or wrong. Our mind always wants to look ahead, be engrossed in thought, preoccupied.

Realize preoccupied has no chance at happiness. It’s close to multitasking, awareness disappears.

With PTSD, being aware, mindful of right now, stops many of PTSD symptoms.

All healing happens in this moment, not in the past and surely not the future.

We do not act like this is true.

Wellbeing comes down to the thoughts we grasp and the awareness of this present moment.

Even if you heal, it will not last if you leave this present moment.

I have experienced being healed then plunged backward into the abyss again.

I have developed the ability to stay present, in a focused mindful way even during traumas explosion.

I can take a step back, focus, then see reality more clearly.

We have two lives, one during calm times and the other when PTSD dominates our soul.



Rejoice: I do not know the word!



Looking for answers from others with childhood trauma.

Do you rejoice out loud in public? Do you feel safe enough, sober, to let go with unbridled happiness, laughter, care free exuberance?

There is something in me that stays vigilant, unconsciously at all times. I have never lost that fear from childhood rejection, criticism and abuse. It lives without my input.

That means with all my work, my core feels it is at risk.

Potentially I can be humiliated like childhood and especially college at any moment.

There is great panic, anxiety, humiliation and fear around these thoughts.

Common sense says this is crazy and irrational. PTSD does not care.

But PTSD is irrational, the past becomes the present, old damage comes alive.

Do you guys/gals feel safe in public? Are there any concerns, worries flowing?

Can you let go totally around people?

Do You feel danger around you?

When my ptsd was at its worst, I could not leave my house.

An invisible prison was erected around immense fear.


I see normal people rejoice all the time, effortlessly letting go without any fear showing.

How can they do that?

What does your landscape look like?



I am one of the lucky ones. I can resist and take action

“We need to live with less complaints and more gratitude.” Pinterest



When PTSD is active, life changes, thought patterns simplify.

The habitual traumatic event is the only movie playing. Over and over the torment haunts us.

How do we handle this unfair life?

What do we do for attitude, effort, and hope?

For me, I know I am luckier than most with childhood PTSD. I have tools and willpower.

Most childhood abuse (C-PTSD) ends in addiction, prostitution, aberrant behavior, disease, shorter life span and suffering.

Most severely abused kids are incapable of taking action, facing their fears (abuse) or improving.

Venture on to the PTSD discussion boards and witness the flailing and suffering . The opposite of healing is going on, victimhood is celebrated in such a public dysfunctional way.

It is extremely sad.

22 vets have committed suicide everyday for last three years, while PTSD surges beyond epidemic rates.

Think of the massive amount of PTSD that grips those living in the war zones our soldier have fought in.

I am lucky. If you follow this blog, I think you are lucky because your looking to heal.

Searching still, you have not given up.

We have the willpower and courage to look for healing and look to take action.

I know happiness and trauma are inside me.

Everyday I connect to that inner guide and search for improvement, a better life.

I can resist with every molecule in my body, that along with not giving up has carved a small space that I live inside.



Friends tell me, i am to hard on myself. : My Favourite Cartoons by Gary Larson



Be easy on yourself, is the refrain that I hear.

My childhood was dominated by a violent narcissist, perfection was demanded, criticism is all he knew.

There were no compliments, encouragements or second chances, I knew I was not good enough, he told me everyday in my youth.

It was like that narcissist could not resist brutalizing that little boy without mercy, without blame.

I never heard my dad apologize to anyone for anything, ever.

What is there but being hard on yourself? I have no experience with anything else.

Conditioned love is abusive for a child. My self worth was determined by performance, no intrinsic value did my father ever recognize inside me.

I was a thing to make him look good to his buddies.

Pro baseball was a meat market, you were only as valuable as your next at bat. Another performance equals value world.

I do not think at 69, feeling great self worth and trust are part of my path.

Will I be disappointed if self worth and trust never materialize, Hell no.

I do not know what I am missing, I never experienced unconditional love and support as a child. Or adult.

Happiness will look different to me.

After 15 intense years of healing practice, this is my reality.

Just having the nightmares, intrusive thoughts and suffering slow down would be a piece of happiness for me right now.

Living with Complex PTSD is something few understand the torturous life, we lead.

My friends, none of them can fathom my thoughts and my daily challenges.

This is a lonely journey.

You have to need very little to survive. I have learned to live inside my room when Trauma takes over without loss.

This quarantine has not impacted me in the slightest, I need very few people around me.

I learned this in childhood, my dad limited friendships, destroyed the ones that threatened his control.

I am the experiment of a violent, alcoholic, narcissist father.

My brain wired without attachment, support or any kindness.

It is my saving grace, I do not miss people, it helps my PTSD symptoms.

A late thought: I can meditate intently and make all this disappear for a while.

Trauma does not always win.



Sometimes I write for me, let me share one

Cognitive Dissonance Redeux – The Greening of Gavin



Sometimes I write for me, part therapy, part freedom to write my blunt reality and feelings on paper without others to judge.

This recent explosion of repressed, betrayal trauma has brought suffering.

My PTSD brings violent thoughts, extreme humiliation and despair.

It runs like a horror flick when it wants during the day.

Many things activate this movie, watching tv, going to grocery or quiet time is often invaded by heart wrenching violence and unbelievable abuse.

It rocks my soul, numbs my body and freezes me with hopelessness.

I would rather not be me, not be a part of my storyline.

Then my life has to turn back to my breath, focus and letting go skills. My meditation practice has matured and strengthened.

Meditation and giving have been my shining lights in this dark trauma jungle.

I can make all the noise go away for a while, quiet it down.

With a decade of processing trauma behind me, PTSD still takes up large parts of everyday.

Dealing with the movie, then working to unplug the damage takes time.

It also takes a physical and emotional toll.

How do we weave happiness inside our PTSD.

I have done it for periods.

Now a repressed memory has brought the old damage into my present..

The alternative is giving up and being a victim.

I will die before I take that road.

It takes stubbornness and willpower when things seem helpless, the ability to take action in the face of our terror.



Childhood Trauma (C-PTSD) a Rollercoaster ride



During our abuse and betrayal most would agree life sucks.

When an event is stored as implicit memory, PTSD is borne inside our right amygdala, while some is hidden in our bodies.

Life will go from imminent danger to a calming period. This is not a pendulum that goes from intense suffering to wild bliss.

Wild bliss is the nightmare of trauma calming down for periods.

The activated parts of life differ in intensity.

I had reached a point where life became enjoyable, healing I thought was complete.

I understood everything about PTSD, then a repressed memory made me a liar.

My posts resemble my journey, some written with a sense of authority and command, others describing the terror trauma brings to my insides.

Facing my trauma head on, researching, helping others, practicing my healing skills, and meditating has shown me the depths of the damage done to me.

The thoughts that cross my path everyday would freak out a normal person.

They would lose their mind if they had my (our) mind.

It is true. I know I do not have thoughts they take for granted.

In the meditation group I joined, Jennifer had us go back into childhood and grab your strongest emotions.

They had euphoric events and opportunity which left them in a space we have never experienced. I wondered what a feeling of joy after a childhood would be like.

I wonder how they would of survived my father, and what would there thoughts be then. Damn sure not joy.

I see how damaged I am when others do things without effort that are impossible for me. I am not giving up or feeling like a victim, I just acknowledge the damage.

My life is so much different than a normal person.

I have to be ok with being different or I suffer.

That is my path.



Focused and Fearless by Shaila Catherine: “I” am


“Make a note of moments when the thought “I am” forms.

How much of your thinking is recreating and reinforcing the story of being you?

What would the experience of your life be like without the burden of incessant becoming?”



My two cents: “I” (Ego) am the one who loses balance, perspective, direction.

I turn desires into needs with excessive craving.

Ego tells me through irrational thoughts, his existence is paramount.

60,000 thoughts cross our path daily, coming from some nether land deep inside our mind.

Many of these thought are the Ego’s selfish needs and outrages.

When I go deep in the woods, that bear or nature could care less, I am Marty.

We are so much more than the small, rigid Ego.




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