Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

PTSD: Birth is the ultimate lottery

https://www.si.com/nba/2016/10/27/classic-photos-kareem-abdul-jabbar#gid=ci02554da9c0002580&pid=2015

.

.

Looking back after 70 years on this planet, life is harsh even for kids who had great support and love from their caregivers.

Watching a podcast of NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, he described his life as an oddity, sticking out being 6’8” at 12 years old. 7’2″ was his height as an adult, how do you blend in or hide, fit into a hotel bed, buy clothes, or fit in a car?

People always stare and treat you like an oddity. He says this kind of scrutiny drives you inside, into your own cocoon.

Life shrinks for people scrutinized as different or abused kids markedly different in behavior than normal kids.

Now, consider being seriously abused as a kid, criticized and beaten by a caregiver. Think we are not an abnormality, an oddity compared to normal kids.

We do not feel equal to others, we know we are flawed and compromised, dysfunctional and isolated.

I am not saying as an adult I believe any of this now, however it was my reality most of my life and dogma as a kid.

If birth is the ultimate lottery, we lost big time.

The impact of abusing a child, lasts a lifetime, I am an example of this. The ACE study documents the physical diseases and early death that childhood abuse causes.

I am not a victim but I have suffered trying to heal from childhood PTSD my entire life. That is a fact.

At 70, my brain is still trying to cope with a smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala and a compromised left prefrontal cortex, Childhood PTSD disrupts nearly everyday with unworthiness and failure.

I have friends who are happy go lucky, think everything will turn out alright. Their demeanor is relaxed and confident, life seems easy and happy for them.

To say I am envious and amazed is an understatement.

Are they from another planet, how can a brain feel safe and secure, being able to trust thoughts, and finally they trust others.

I have never had those feelings and never expect to feel that way, a little bit of wellbeing and peace of mind are my only goals now.

My life is navigating around my trauma minefield, searching for brief moments of joy while dodging trauma thoughts, anxiety and isolation.

Yes, I have felt haunted by childhood demons, this battle has never receded from my life.

Everyone has challenges, some much greater than others. Whoever makes those decisions is way above our pay grade.

.

.

Coping better is my Goal

Pixabay 愚木混株CDD20

.

I do not think there is a cure for childhood abuse (C-PTSD), do not think there is a space where we say, I am healed.

It is possible to learn coping skills, navigate life, and find some wellbeing.

Childhood trauma is hard wired while the brain developed, so it is never going to disappear.

There is a huge difference between actively coping with PTSD and being a victim.

Knowing I will never heal is not an opportunity to give up, the journey is the same, the results maybe different than total healing, that’s all.

I am not healed but my life has both wellbeing and suffering.

Coping is using my trauma skills to minimize PTSD’s impact when activated.

When PTSD is dormant, I Strengthen my mindfulness skills, always preparing for the next battle.

It is a precarious existence, often an internal war being waged inside the mind.

Remember our hippocampus is smaller while our amygdala is larger, combined with the left Prefrontal cortex being compromised.

Trauma will explode from time to time as we navigate life.

Our goal is to live and risk in the midst of PTSD terror and enjoy our trauma free Periods fully.

Our challenges come when intrusive thoughts bombard us at a rapid pace, then our fight or flight mechanism fires, how we handle this perceived threat determines life.

Be prepared, develop as many coping skills as possible and practice daily.

There are no guarantees with childhood trauma, life will suck at times, unworthiness and fear will prevail at times.

We do have a choice, resist or give up, deciding not to have PTSD is not an option I am aware of.

We have to be determined, courageous and have the ability to take action in the face of fear and anxiety.

I have learned not to resent my place on this earth, that is a victims stance.

Life Axiom: Sedentary is closer to death, action closer to life.

Healing takes daily action, suffering arrives without effort.

Lessons I have learned

https://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?rs=typed&q=ptsd%20healing

.

.

After a long energetic effort with therapy and practice to heal, my life was still a damn mess.

In my old wisdom, if that is a real thing, learning to function in the midst of PTSD is the new gold on my healing path.

Listen, my childhood abuse, wiring of my brain in survival mode, is never going away.

My ability to function, discount the noise and take action is a part of my happiness in life, the oasis in this PTSD desert.

It is not about winning, it is how we fight, how much energy we exert, how much adversity can we respond to.

How resilient can we be along this path, how many times can we get back up.

This is not the road of an easy life, many succumb without much resistance.

My purpose is to live as freely as possible despite PTSD and inspire you to never give up.

We rarely take big risks.

We face adversity and the collapse of our boundaries.

Adversity is not a punishment, some think opportunity lies within adversity.

Adversity is ever present in our lives, attitude and effort are the tools needed to resist and continue living.

Effort has always been easy for me, attitude is difficult when unworthiness and depression try to consume me.

Another lesson I use is the knowledge that PTSD is cyclical, it explodes with cortisol and adrenaline, fills us with anxiety and fear, then recedes in time back to our normal.

Know the pattern of trauma firing up, staying a while then returning back to normal.

Some Wisdom: I have survived my worst flare ups already, with PTSD active and powered up, so my fear level has dropped.

PTSD can do nothing new to me that I have not already endured or survived.

So PTSD has thrown its biggest punches and I am still standing, so are you, maybe you have not realized the accomplishment yet.

Realize that therapy even once a week is only 4 hours a month, our time alone accounts for 720 hours. 720 hours versus 4 hours.

Where do you think healing will happen?

Mine happened on my own time, sometimes directed by my therapists input, most of the time while meditating using my tools.

Next, Find a mentor.

Books were my first mentor, books on neuroscience, PTSD therapies, war, meditation and holistic cures.

PTSD discussion boards were next, a negative place filled with victims acting out, taught me what not to do.

Lessons are hidden everywhere.

Now, I follow blogs that inspire me as part of my daily routine.

Please share one of your tools that has made a difference.

.

.

Is Ptsd a bad genie in a bottle?

Genie in a bottle

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/27866091433321867/

.

.

PTSD’s power emerges from the fear and anxiety it perpetuates through dissociation.

Dissociation is the lynchpin of Ptsd, the fuel trauma uses to control life.

Without time spent in the past, judging, ruminating or just handling trauma thoughts, Ptsd whithers in that moment.

There is normal healing where life becomes easier to navigate.

Set accurate expectations, we are never going to be happy go lucky or be like others, we will be our own happy self, whatever that looks like.

Thinking in absolutes seems to be the rhetoric of the inner critic (Ptsd) employs to control us.

If we leave this present moment to delve into the past, suffering will materialize.

It’s almost like a genie in a bottle, Ptsd that is.

Ptsd is a bad genie, traumatized and unworthy at his core. Sounds like the inner critic’s voice.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/25543922874949051/

If we rub that lamp, suffering comes pouring out.

I entertain the dream, I am perfect as my true self, right now, right here, right this second, then I move onto the next minute.

Know the enemy and how he/she operates.

.

.

PTSD: finding our way

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/296533956723067482/

.

.

As a lay person, I know nearly as much as most therapists about childhood PTSD, in my opinion.

Yes, this has been helpful improving but healing therapies, therapists and holistic solutions have their limitations.

I lost my mind for a few months when an old buried trauma decided to surface.

All those old therapies and tools did not stick to the proverbial wall, life narrowed, became rigid and my options dwindled.

Childhood trauma has been highly resistant to healing for all of us at times.

We get lost, angry, ashamed and frustrated, suffering feels endless at these moments.

That’s when we need to find our own way out, intuitively.

Meditation has let me visualize things outside the box.

Now, I refuse to follow my inner critic or let PTSD mood swings impact behavior.

Not really a therapy but a valuable skill for me.

In a way, I have rationally refused to have the past rule my present moment.

Instead of letting ptsd fear and anxiety impact my thoughts, behavior, I do the opposite.

Feels so much freer not handling old trauma and the past.

Is this healing?

.

.

Changing my PTSD habits

.

.

Many of my trauma habits were hidden, subconsciously out of sight for decades.

I never understood why my thoughts, my life was so much different.

Unfortunately, many of my behaviors were trauma related, highly dysfunctional and confusing.

My healing journey has pivoted many times, now I focus on the outcome.

I want to not react, when my PTSD spots danger, unworthiness or outrage.

That’s correct, not react physically and not react to the storyline of PTSD.

I know this will be good for me!

Our goal is to let go of the perceived wrong as quickly as possible.

I will have more wellbeing if I can learn not to react, not to give it power.

This focus is ever present, has nothing to do with old trauma, just do not react, now.

I believe this is the way to calm the inner critic.

Take power away from him/her.

.

.

Our PTSD has Patterns

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/48695239710690388/

.

A couple days ago my PTSD reacted to external stimulus, one of those invalidating discussions with a friend.

No, my fight or flight did not erupt, my nervous system revs up some, nothing scary or intimidating.

The irrational thinking part of PTSD takes over. This is my main culprit.

This is my pattern.

A battle between letting the crap go versus engaging the trauma begins.

We have to find reality in the midst of all the PTSD symptoms.

For me, I play defense, refuse to make decisions, discount the anger and unworthiness that PTSD offers.

When intrusive thoughts flow, anxiety arrives and cognitive functions become confusing.

We get lost and suffer.

What is real life and what is trauma? Takes time and practice to decipher this riddle.

In a couple of days the horizon clears back to our PTSD normal.

I always come back, never get lost for long now.

For me, this is most freedom available, being able to navigate PTSD when it erupts.

I have lost my guilt around my abuse, this is a soothing accomplishment.

I take daily action, try to heal a little each day.

Never give up, never give in, this is our challenge.

.

.

PTSD: The reason I am like I am

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/2462974784923699/

.

.

Growing up in a dangerous environment, my mind was always focused on my father’s mental condition.

Whether at school or home, whatever the task at hand, my fear of my father was stronger than any task.

Any school work or athletic event brought consequences from my father.

My purpose in life was to achieve enough to save my ass from emotional and physical abuse.

I have a hard time with purpose and desire now. My father defined my purpose, my mother told me a God made me to be a professional baseball star.

Being a separate individual was not allowed for me. I was owned, they made that damn clear.

That’s both my caregivers defining my purpose in life.

My parents had no boundaries when it came to me.

My mother never said a word or tried to protect me from the beatings or emotional abuse that would land my father in jail for a long time today.

She actually was the enabler for him.

Now, as an old man, my family denies everything, my mom actually told me dad never laid a hand in me.

I asked her what that giant paddle with all the holes drilled in it dad made at the cabinet shop was for.

What do you do when your mother lies about what they did to you?

It took me years to be able to share my details.

Healing is mixed with bouts of suffering and a huge dose of worry and anxiety.

It’s a minefield trying to feel safe interacting with people.

My daughter does not know how I can be at peace with minimal interaction with outsiders.

You have to live my life, my childhood, experience my abuse to understand.

If you betray me or manipulate me, we are done for life.

Childhood abuse has made me much more rigid than normal people.

I accept that and have no guilt, I did not abuse me.

.

.

Navigating the harm of normal people

https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/

.

.

Over 20 vets have committed suicide everyday for the last three years.

Why couldn’t they just let it go, be strong. They had families, children and responsibilities.

What force could drive them to give up and take their own lives.

A normal person, not abused in childhood, has no clue what forces drive them to take their own lives.

I understand exactly why they take their lives, to stop the pain.

Wonder how they reacted when people told them to just let it go? Ignore your trauma and act normal, ignore the anxiety, ignore the fear.

I would like to see anyone of them handle my childhood trauma so easily and completely.

Our prisons are full of abused kids, growing up dysfunctional as adults, why did they fail, why couldn’t they just let their PTSD go?

How many abused young girls become prostitutes and drug addicts, cutters and suicidal risks?

Why could they not just let their sexually abusive childhoods go?

The outside world sees us as weak and broken. I have entered spaces and shared my childhood trauma trying to heal, my boldness has brought rebuke and pain.

I am not weak, I doubt if any of them could of walked my life or your life.

I get upset when supposed friends invalidate my PTSD and suffering.

I guess part of our suffering is enduring never being validated by normal people.

I must be seriously flawed not being able to effortlessly let my trauma go.

We get burnt over and over when we share our suffering.

Now, I will search for relief in private again.

Besides my therapist, this is the only safe place I have to share my trauma challenges.

Thank all of you for understanding.

Thoughts, experiences, ideas?

.

.

People tell me PTSD is a choice


Friends tell me PTSD is a choice, choose not to think about PTSD and it will disappear.

Pixabay ArtsyBee

.

I am lost I guess, after a decade of work, PTSD being a choice is the farthest from the truth in my trauma world.

I get frustrated with the simplistic solutions that do not work for me.

My PTSD runs on its own without any help from me. I have been asked if I really want to heal or do I want to suffer with PTSD.

How do you answer such an uniformed insult?

We are supposed to ignore our trauma, our triggers and assume a normal posture, a normal life.

At my worst, my fight or flight firing 15 times a day, my body filled with cortisol and adrenaline, agoraphobia took root.

Somehow, someway, my desires should go back to normal.

My desires have never been normal, my life has never been normal, abuse always nullified desire for me.

I tried to not think about PTSD yesterday.

Is there something I am missing like this is a cure.

Nothing changed.

People do not understand violent childhood abuse.

This isolates me more, my tendency is to pull away from these voices.

My life, my PTSD, frustrates people, there is always an answer, always a cure, always a happy ending.

Damn what a life this is.

.

.

%d bloggers like this: