Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

27 Aug

Part 2: Dysfunctional Households or Adult Children of Alcoholics: The Inner Drugstore

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

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Inner drugstore:


“Or perhaps we were ignored or emotionally abandoned by our parents, creating anxiety and the general feeling of being alone and unsafe.

Our normal can become anxiety and fear.

And since it is perhaps all we have ever known, and since we may already have learned to shut down access to our feelings and our bodies, we may not even be aware of our anxiety.

Hypervigilance creates a stress response in the body, it even releases dopamine in our brains.

As children, our small bodies are marinated in those chemicals.

Even if we have never taken a drink of alcohol nor any drugs, we are all addicts.

We, as Adult Children, learn to be addicted to our own inner drug stores.

We can subconsciously seek out situations which recreate these feelings.”
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My two cents: Our small bodies were marinated in these chemicals because of abuse?

That is an ominous claim, makes my body twitch a bit reading it.

We were innocent kids.

This is another PTSD layer that needs healing.

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23 Aug

PTSD dropped away for a moment yesterday

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

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PTSD operates without any conscious input from me, he feels like an internal entity, an invisible demon.

Yesterday while skirmishing with intrusive thoughts and emotions, I felt everything drop away momentarily.

Instead of being in the middle of the triggers, I was at a distance, separate, observing PTSDs mechanism.

I could feel life without PTSDs distractions or influence.

That dark cloud dissipated for a moment. How strange a feeling.

My nervous system calmed, while my anxiety and fear took a short vacation.

Life felt entirely different with PTSD being suppressed like this.

My first thought was, how do I make this last, perpetuate a life without the constant drama, danger, and anxiety of PTSD?

Is this a breakthrough or a fleeting moment?

I felt life as a normal person for the first time, I think.

I dream of a calm mind, a normal brain with normal thoughts, and a life filled with desire.
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22 Aug

Part 1: Hooked on a Feeling: intrusive and ruminative symptoms in PTSD by Kate Dahlgrenn

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

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Excerpt:

“Ruminative type symptoms are also seen in posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) under the general header of negative alterations in cognition and mood.

These symptoms include pervasive negative beliefs about oneself or the world, such as feelings of self-blame and guilt, which often coincide with distorted beliefs about the traumatic event that led to the development of PTSD (APA, 2013).

Persistent depressive symptoms, such as negative emotional state (e.g. anger, shame, etc.) and inability to feel pleasure (anhedonia), as well as hyper-arousal symptoms, like exaggerated startle response and constantly feeling on edge or hyper-vigilant, are also features of PTSD symptomatology (APA, 2013).

Additionally, PTSD is characterized by intrusive symptoms, defined as recurrent, involuntary, and distressing trauma-related memories; these often appear in nightmares or during flashbacks, which are powerful, involuntary episodes where a memory is re-experienced (APA, 2013).

This profile of symptoms often leads to diminished interest in or participation in normal activities and result in social isolation (APA, 2013).

These symptoms are also associated with significant distress and may increase maladaptive emotion regulation, such as negative appraisal and avoidance.”

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21 Aug

How Emotional Abuse in Childhood Changes the Brain by Leonard Holmes, PhD

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

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Excerpt:

Effects on Brain Structure

“Childhood abuse and neglect can have several negative effects on how the brain develops.

Decreased size of the corpus callosum, which integrates cortical functioning—motor, sensory, and cognitive performances—between the hemispheres

Decreased size of the hippocampus, which is important in learning and memory

Dysfunction at different levels of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which is involved in the stress response

Less volume in the prefrontal cortex, which affects behavior, emotional balance, and perception

Overactivity in the amygdala, which is responsible for processing emotions and determining reactions to potentially stressful or dangerous situations

Reduced volume of the cerebellum, which can affect motor skills and coordination”
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20 Aug

PTSD: Is happiness attainable?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/xiserge-15871962/


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Yesterday, my nervous system and sense of danger intensified.

I am on edge, short-tempered, and on alert.

Nothing concrete, this abstract sense of fear impacts life, my behavior, and PTSD symptoms.

It is not connected to anything specific.

At times, this battle inside my brain wreaks havoc on my being.

It is an ominous feeling, a foreboding sense of doom that has followed me since childhood.

Do normal people have thoughts and feelings like this?

After numerous attempts to calm everything down failed, I accepted these awkward feelings and went on with my day.

Oh, I am acutely aware of how my nervous system nears tilt again.

PTSD steals life away, every day I battle for my sanity.

Is Happiness unattainable for us?

I would settle for a cessation of suffering!
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16 Aug

PTSD: Early mornings

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/rauschenberger-4614580/


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Early morning darkness has a profound silence, a haunting time to peruse the events of the coming day.

I lay in bed perfectly still, my mind always churning, searching for answers, for solutions.

Listening intently, PTSDs sirens break this stillness.

Questions pierce my consciousness, and judgments follow soon afterward.

Where has desire gone?

Since PTSD exploded a decade ago, I avoided from day one.

Desires dwindle when we avoid.

PTSD changes desires slowly as we avoid people and situations over time.

It’s like a teeter-totter, more desire less avoidance, or more avoidance less desire.

At its core is a lack of trust.
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13 Aug

PTSD and the Ego

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/


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My mind or part of it seems like a separate entity, I call it PTSD.

This traumatic part is connected to my Ego, he is a world-class judgmental star.

He/She compares the present with the traumas of the past, it’s called dissociation, the kingpin of PTSD symptoms.

Time spent ruminating, dissociating into the past fuels our symptoms, and powers PTSD.

The longer the duration, the stronger PTSD becomes.

This PTSD mind melts into our Ego or vice versa.

My Ego was created under traumatic abuse, so he identifies as a PTSD Ego.

My daughter tells me I identify as a PTSD person or sufferer.

Well, I sure do not identify as anywhere close to normal.

When I meditate at times, my Ego drops away along with all my PTSD symptoms.

This is the freest feeling I experience.

The sirens of trauma take a momentary break.

I have worked diligently on shrinking my ego, lessening his impact.

Without the Ego dominating life, our hearts can begin to open for short periods.

It takes great awareness to realize how PTSD functions inside our brains.

Have you ever followed the concept of I or me to its origin?

Who am I is a trick question.

I is a mirage, a created identity moniker.
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10 Aug

A PTSD brain: wired differently

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/aytuguluturk-4440588/

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I would love an fMRI scan and evaluation of my brain, a look into its dysfunction, and a snapshot of the defective wiring of child abuse.

Nothing I have read comes close to describing how my brain works.

My abuse, my betrayals, and my losses dominate my thought patterns.

What do you do when the negative, violent, and traumatic events of your life replay over and over?

Why does my mind concentrate on past trauma, past betrayal above all else?

Happy, kind, or trusting thoughts rarely enter my mind, and feeling safe has a battle with the danger these thoughts bring.

We avoid and isolate, a nomad-like existence, not belonging to any group, always on the fringes of society.

Few relationships tether us to this world.

I have no idea what a normal person thinks or what his/her life is like, and they have no clue about mine.

Life is different for us.

I have accepted this as reality.
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9 Aug

PTSD: Our Nervous System

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/


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I inherited a flighty or elevated nervous system from my mother.

She was an extremely emotional person, easily excited, and a constant worrier.

Worry intensifies anxiety, a vicious cycle.

An elevated nervous system impacts the intensity with which I experience PTSD.

My fight or flight mechanism paralyzes me with the gigantic shock to my solar plexus, a numbing feeling of terror.

I freeze or flee as quickly as possible, it is hard to fight when you can barely move.

Those were my early days of PTSD.

It took five years of meditating 5 hours a day for me to calm my fight or flight mechanism.

Now PTSD has changed and haunts me in thought and a different kind of internal fear.

PTSD brings depression, a lethal one-two punch.
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7 Aug

PTSD: is it a Mirage, bad Imagination?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/sarahrichterart-1546275/


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Is it all a mirage, PTSD that is?

I read my posts about fear, anxiety, triggers, and intrusive thoughts, they seem so small, so feeble looking on paper.

Words can not convey PTSDs power over me, parts of my brain shut down during triggers firing, or while grasping intrusive thoughts.

Life changes when PTSD becomes active, confusion and anxiety dominate our being.

Is this real? Imagination? Mirage or fact?

I can not see concrete evidence, it is all about the past, it is abstract, only memories that are distorted.

Was my childhood that bad, the memories are confusing and out of sequence, time is distorted, and my fear spikes.

Physically we are unharmed, our defense mechanism works all too well.

Danger was spotted, the fight or flight mechanism fired violently, then calmed back down to our normal.

Why do we fear another trigger firing then?

Why do we avoid and fear something that does no physical damage?

The dumping of cortisol and adrenaline is extremely uncomfortable, our being is ramping up to face a perceived lethal threat.

We try to avoid these chemicals and any person or situation that is connected to them.

Our fight or flight mechanism firing as we secrete cortisol and adrenaline is what we label as fear.

That intense jolt in the solar plexus, like a numbing punch, is what we call fear.

PTSD fires that mechanism over and over, he has access to the switch.

PTSD would not be so powerful without access to that switch.

Thoughts, opinions?
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