Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

17 Jan

How to minimize Dissociation

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/bessi-909086/

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The most damaging PTSD symptom is Dissociation, leaving this present moment in thought, entering the past or future.

https://cptsdawayout.com/dissociation/

This is jet fuel for trauma. Any skill we can develop to stay present brings improvement.

Here are a few grounding exercises: Pick out a visual subject, maybe a flower, a building or a picture. Study it in detail for thirty seconds.

Now draw as much detail as you can remember. Yes, we did not study our object like we can.

Now do it again, see how much deeper you view the object the second time. We look but really do not see, a lot.

I practice being observer. Going in a public place, I observe people and try not to judge. If I judge, I vacate the judgment, then reset. This takes practice.

I use my eyes to be present. I look closely, in detail, to the landscape in front of me. Maybe a mountain, trees or a interior wall, but all of them exist only in this moment.

Exercise: Oh yes, I have used aerobic exercise for many benefits.

When my mind is frozen from trauma fears, my legs can still move, gaining achievement and exhilaration. My mind gets to share my bodies achievement, expelling of poissons and aerobic focus.

Next, practice entering mundane chores everyday. Slow your movements, focus. Preparing a meal, I become the knife slicing the vegetables,

Let time fade away, we are preparing the best meal with current ingredients.

The second highest person in a Zen center is the cook.

Watch a Zen Buddhist monk, see his deliberate movement, mindfully orchestrated.

Thoughts hardly tempt these superstar meditators. Staying present has become an easy habit for them.

Yes, meditation will help heal our PTSD.

Takes daily practice. PTSD practices daily in my head.

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14 Jan

PTSD’s schedule

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/valiphotos-1720744/

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PTSD has its own schedule, seemingly its own power source and strong stress hormones.

A trigger can explode at any time releasing cortisol, adrenaline and Norepinephrine into our blood stream.

High anxiety ensues.

The breath has great influence on our nervous system.

Until we learn to dissipate a trigger firing, we are at PTSD’s mercy.

I use ten, slow, focused breaths to accomplish this task.

Let the storyline fade, feel where your triggers manifest in the body.

Take your breath into the middle of your body sensation.

Know your fears physical manifestations.

Mine always jolts my solar plexus.

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10 Jan

Discovering PTSD’s hidden components

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: ugglemamma
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PTSD has a hidden component, Childhood trauma (C-PTSD) is much stealthier because our brain was still developing.

For abused kids, our biggest hidden component is an unworthy, a damaged “Ego”.

At 69, finally, my unworthy “Ego” has been exposed.

We have to explore our inner world, discovering what is hidden, then determine its influence in our life.

We create this person for identity “Ego”.

Heavy influencers are initial caregivers, peers, friends and enemies.

We create Marty at his core from my attachment or lack of it in childhood with my initial caregivers.

Next we evaluate how the world treats us, peers, friends and enemies, then we add how we see ourself into the mix.

Then we create our identity based on these life experiences.

Wow!

Look at how much of our self image, self worth is based on external factors.

We all need to work on changing self image, it’s kind of our “Ego”.

Our wellbeing depends on a healthy “Ego”.

Our “Ego”, the thinker is the one who has PTSD.

PTSD dies when I meditate, when I reach a focused no thought space.

Words, judgment, right or wrong, good or bad do not exist in this space.

Our right hemisphere, the expansive side of the Brain, does not know the past or future even exists.

PTSD lives, thrives in the past and future.

It’s called Dissociation, the lynchpin, the power of PTSD.

PTSD proliferates inside thought, the longer the duration the more fuel.

My healing is a moment to moment awareness or lack of it.

That building block determines my wellbeing.
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9 Jan

PTSD (trauma), Memory and Our “Ego”

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: trilemedia
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Normal kids have good memories, solid attachments, support.

Abused kids have nightmares for memories. When we close our eyes, we see a real boogie man, our abuser

Even now, at 69, letting my mind wander into memory has awful consequences.

Life is a battle, constantly letting go of bad memories, coming back to this minute.

I can win that battle if my PTSD is inside my window of tolerance.

Twice in my life, when an old trauma exploded, my window of tolerance disappeared. Intrusive thoughts overwhelmed my being for a couple of months.

Memories can trigger our nervous system or support other triggers firing.

Remember, while meditating, we hook up to our divine self, our core, our true self, our soul.

It is the shining light of power for our being.

It is perfect, everyday since birth.

Abused kids, it is our “Ego” that is severely flawed not our true self, our soul.

With my old trauma exploding recently, I see how damaged my “Ego” is.

Subconsciously, he has always felt so unworthy, a failure, unredeemable, to his core.

Much of this is below consciousness and remains there without inner exploration.

I have been unaware of many habits, carrying a damaged “Ego” is my greatest failure.

That is shame!

Since we create our “Ego” my plight is not permanent.

We can change our “Ego”
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8 Jan

Do we get a Reward from Trauma?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

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A friend asked me about my old trauma, what reward, what benefit did I receive from having it in my daily life?

What a quandary? My being resisted the thought, enjoyment, hell all I felt was shame and suffering.

I guess Preventing a future betrayal or somehow calming my internal fears could be the answer. Has to be something stronger to endure suffering.

Is it subconscious?

Do we receive a benefit from old trauma?

If so, my search has commenced.

Many behaviors are influenced or indirectly dominated by subconscious traumatic memories.

My trust issues were driven by a repressed betrayal in college.

How do we fix what we can not see or feel consciously?

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7 Jan

Fear causes many behaviors for us Humans

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

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We all know conscious fear.

Spotting a shark while swimming, losing an engine on a commercial flight, or being caught in a high rise fire, are obvious events producing intense fear.

My less obvious fears hide inside my past, especially my trauma

They manifest in my consciousness as anxiety, unworthiness, humiliation (shame).

So if an event is in the past, this fear is irrational, but it holds current power inside my being.

Perception becomes reality again. I feel the fear, but discount it’s reality.

I have been exploring the fear, humiliation has brought me.

Why does old shame have such power over us?

Why does an old event live on inside, just out of reach?

Yes, I know it is PTSD, stored implicit memory, but it has a conscious component to it.

What big fear has me grasping decades old humiliation?

Inside our minds, we know there is no real danger, no real fear.

Is some unknown need being met by carrying this anchor around like a medal.

What reward do we receive from honoring old fears?

Awareness of there existence is the first step towards ultimate release, in my opinion.

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28 Dec

New Years Resolution for PTSD

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/usa-reiseblogger-328188/

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Do you want to heal (improve)? How badly, I would ask?

Our trauma patterns, our everyday habits, will not change with half ass effort.

Will not change, if we give up when things get difficult.

Our resolution has to be a dedicated daily effort or PTSD wins easily.

Do we need to add courage as part of our resolution?

Definitely we need willpower, the desire to heal has to Outwiegh our fears.

Part of our resolution has to include taking action with our new direction.

Next, write it down, display it in plain view. Hold yourself accountable, keep a daily journal.

We will need skills. Research and practice. Meditation/Mindfulness was my cornerstone of daily effort and healing.

Lastly, we need purpose.

Our purpose must be unwavering, trauma brings imminent danger when confronted.

Realize this journey is arduous and scary, purpose must be bulletproof.

Start with a daily affirmation, repeated, recorded, and played back throughout the day.

This is such an easy way to jump start self image and attitude.

“In this moment, right now I feel my body overflowing with kindness, approval and safety.”

Customize your resolution, add the words that mean something to you. Love is a word that does not connect for me, kindness and approval come across as organic and soothing.

What I control: If I get up each day with a good attitude and give all out effort, then I have done my best.

There is satisfaction and wellbeing in this effort alone.

I can not guarantee results but attitude and effort, I do control.

Assess what you control, place effort into these actions.

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26 Dec

A crazy PTSD journey: a Rollercoaster ride for free

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/openclipart-vectors-30363/

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My childhood trauma broke loose in my mid 50’s with a vengeance, life changed drastically, my nervous system exploded.

Improving (healing) was slow, arduous and painful. Took five years of all out effort with the new tools and skills I acquired.

My spirit was triumphant, much much freer, calmer as life had real joy for the first time. That horrible haunting feeling stopped, that unworthy to the core feeling dissipated.

To my shock five months ago, another super charged, hidden trauma exploded. Determined to quickly integrate this new trauma, frustration ensued.

I would meditate, let it go, time after time. Two days later the intrusive thoughts returned.

Three times these thoughts ceased for a couple of days only to return in force.

From my perch: Reading many, many books, meditating five hours a day, actively participating in therapy and applying all the skills learned, I was not your normal PTSD client a therapist would see.

I was a great success healing the first time. My therapist and friends agreed.

Now, confused, these same skills, more mature and adept, fail to impact this new trauma.

I revisited the Internal Family System therapy, it seems betrayal is my kryptonite.

It is like my soul, my spirit, my core Or my ego fears anihilation from this event and will not let go.

Hell no, I do not understand it. I know rationally it is the distant past and no danger is present.

Knowing that, life is still a rollercoaster ride at times.

He is an irrational ghost with inside power, who holds me in this invisible prison.

This monster (PTSD) runs on its own, has enormous power at times, and robs us.

For me, I am engaged in the battle again, maybe lost but looking for the crack in its armor.

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25 Dec

Survival Mode: “The Body Keeps the Score”

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: Comfreak

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“In other words: If an organism is stuck in survival mode, its energies are focused on fighting off unseen enemies, which leaves no room for nurture, care, and love.

For us humans, it means that as long as the mind is defending itself against invisible assaults, our closest bonds are threatened, along with our ability to imagine, plan, play, learn, and pay attention to other people’s needs.

Darwin also wrote about body-brain connections that we are still exploring today.

Intense emotions involve not only the mind but also the gut and the heart: “Heart, guts, and brain communicate intimately via the ‘pneumogastric’ nerve, the critical nerve involved in the expression and management of emotions in both humans and animals.

When the mind is strongly excited, it instantly affects the state of the viscera; so that under excitement there will be much mutual action and reaction between these, the two most important organs of the body.”

The first time I encountered this passage, I reread it with growing excitement. Of course we experience our most devastating emotions as gut-wrenching feelings and heartbreak.

As long as we register emotions primarily in our heads, we can remain pretty much in control, but feeling as if our chest is caving in or we’ve been punched in the gut is unbearable.

Continue reading →

24 Dec

Holidays do not mix with ptsd very well

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/richardsdrawings-858383/

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If we do not have these warm feelings, these deep attachments, or dreams of people being trustworthy, what do we do?

I think my default stage around the holidays is a hybrid survival mode.

All those childhood memories, beatings, etc., visiting our consciousness, are upsetting.

Will there be a time, when this horrible shit will stay away?

Why does the worst stuff last forever, run on its own, have incredible power, while the good events fade helplessly.

The holidays bring that unknown, haunting feeling to me, like something is going to happen.

Kids of narcissists often spot danger, learn to be sensitive to future threats. We spend time and energy making sure we do not get ambushed.

It all goes back to our narcissistic parent, our habits formed to survive their abuse.

I was in danger when my dad was home, both physically and emotionally.

That fear has never left that little boys soul.

Now, it takes energy to unplug all this crap 💩.

To be normal, I have to meditate, focus and let all this crap go.

It seems we always need to do incredible work before we get to enjoy life.

At least we have a chance.

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