Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

5 Jun

Updated: I always thought my inner child was the weakest most damaged part of me

Posted by Marty in My Favorites. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/4574037110564549/

.

.

Childhood trauma has this extra dimension, an inner child who had to navigate abuse while the brain was not developed. We can integrate all the trauma we experienced and still our hardwiring is unchanged.

I saw my abused inner child, as vulnerable and weak, the origin of all the PTSD. My thought was it needed fixing, repaired, made over.

Shifting my focus away from trauma and triggers into functioning in this moment, has brought a massive change in how I see my inner child.

Without knowing it, in a response I wrote to the last post, my inner child became the strongest, bravest part of me.

My inner child had the fewest tools, was the most vulnerable part of my life but he survived the greatest abuse, childhood.

Instead of a meek coward, he navigated his way into adulthood with great strength. As an adult I see he survived where mature Marty would of failed.

Is this thinking outside the box or just Awareness being a reward for my inner exploration?

That inner child had strengths others did not have. He could endure intense pain and still take action.

My inner child developed incredible willpower and never gave up in the face of hardship.

What a paradigm shift from victim to my leading freedom fighter.

Now my challenge is to soothe that inner child in current situations, reparent in a way.

Again, this approach is trying to not handle my trauma, it is about functioning now, in this situation, this moment.

I have danced around the inner child numerous times and have written posts in the past, but something was different this time.

I never thought my inner child was the bravest part of my life.

My perceived weakness might be my biggest strength in reality.

How about you?

Your inner child helped you survive also.

He/She maybe your ultimate strength, not the damaged mess we perceive.

.

.

4 Jun

How do abused kids ever trust?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

Unsplash: Arno Senoner


.
Excerpt from PsychCentral: Relationship difficulties

“You may not feel as though you can trust anyone or come to expect that others will harm you. You may also find yourself in other traumatic situations if abuse was a regular part of your past.”
.
.
My two cents: To see this as a symptom of complex PTSD is reassuring, a little soothing, and disturbing.

Other abused kids share this inability to trust, I am not alone.

We want healthy relationships but isolate and withdraw from many situations.

It’s such a dilemma for us. At times we lose desire, a way to protect ourselves from our PTSD fears.

Hard to trust with hyper-vigilance always filling us with anxiety (cortisol and adrenaline), dissociation creating the almost real scenarios of doom, then triggers explode.

How do abused kids ever trust?

I do not know the answer.

All I can do is stay present and continue to take risks.

How deeply do you trust?

How many close friends do you trust?
.
.

2 Jun

Childhood abuse: How do we trust?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Unsplash: Marek Piwnicki


.
When we can not trust our caregivers, the foundation for life is built on quicksand.

We learn to trust, not deep trust but a limited acceptance of a few.

I have found betrayal brings a deep hurt, it reverberates to my core.

Each betrayal makes trusting even more difficult.

All the literature tells us having a loving relationship with a mate is optimum.

I carry too much baggage, too much trauma, too much fear to make a good mate for anyone.

When all hell breaks loose, I may be suffering and unavailable at times.

At other times I will be in the thralls of a PTSD episode.

I have been in a relationship where a mate does not understand PTSD or the battle we face.

It does not end well.

The professionals say our chances of being in a healthy relationship are slim at best.

Childhood abuse lasts a lifetime.

My dad did not want me to form healthy relationships with others.

He did not want his control diluted.

Like most abused kids, I was isolated and adrift looking for safety and comfort.
.
.

31 May

Distorted Thoughts and emotions from childhood abuse

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Unsplash


.
PTSD is like a T.V. rerun, our trauma movie of childhood collects many residuals throughout life.

Complex PTSD will always be alive, inside our body and mind, in some form until we die.

This movie is distorted, and stored while experiencing our fight or flight exploding.

Since cognition is offline, rational interpretation is impossible.

It is different for every person, the same stressor experienced by a group does not produce PTSD for everyone.

I have carried a feeling of impending doom, loss, or humiliation since my earliest memories.

Abused kids usually do not exhibit a happy-go-lucky demeanor, we are too busy spotting danger, then negotiating away or towards that danger.

For me, this process happens subconsciously. My mind is already assessing every situation before I know it.

Our trauma is stored in the same place, (the right amygdala) as our mechanism for spotting current danger.

Looking back, I never trusted or felt safe as a kid.

Some of that never goes away.

These emotions and thoughts are damaging to our mental health if we engage them for long.

Solution: Keep as present as possible during the day. Letting a mind like ours wander is a recipe for disaster.

Realize the battle is never over.

.

.

20 May

Memories that we carry from an abusive childhood

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

.

Unsplash

.
.
As a child being criticized constantly, followed by physical violence, my self-worth was destroyed.

I felt like I did not deserve or belong on this earth.

My nervous system stayed on constant alert, life was lived with anxiety and fear of abandonment.

I was always fighting an internal battle as life overwhelmed me. My early life was lived inside my head, in a make-believe world.

Living in constant fear as a kid, corrupted my view of myself and the world around me.

Now, as an old man of 71, memories arrive connected to emotional distress and anxiety.

Funny how trauma memories(implicit memories) have all the anxiety and fear of the original event.

It is how they are stored, short powerful snippets of charged emotions.

This morning an old buried, long-forgotten memory came back to life without provocation.

We never know what will surface from our childhood.

It’s hard to feel self-worth at times, while happiness is covered by traumas abstract fear.

My mind wants to engage and change the memory but that only fuels its longevity.

Best practice is to follow the breath while letting memories fade without attention.

Life is a minefield for adults with a history of childhood abuse.
.
.

14 May

I did an interview about my baseball career

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Unsplash


.
Recently, I did an interview about my baseball career. It was for a college project on a 20th-century man. (If that does not make you feel old)

First question: Tell me about your childhood.

That froze me for a long minute. My brain has this well-developed record, that plays my narrative of childhood. I know it is how I perceive my childhood, saved under duress.

How can you share in words the damage this abuse has caused me? It never goes away completely. There is a void inside me, a feeling of not being good enough.

When you are physically and emotionally abused by your caregivers, self-worth never develops. Constant criticism leads to a flawed ego, a feeling of being worthless at our core.

My memory of childhood is sparse, and limited. My ability to hide most of my childhood back then saves me from more anguish.

These images are hard to share, I bluntly state a few incidents without any hint of nuance.

My childhood is recorded as a black-and-white movie, with short snippets of violence and shouting.

So after the interview, I felt vulnerable and exposed.

Abused kids never like to be judged. I have a sense of fear about what he will write.

It’s part of our disorder, PTSD, fear, and worthlessness.

It’s hard to write and own up to it.

A PTSD life.
.
.

7 Apr

Fear of Failure

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1638148713271-37084b2e8688?ixlib=rb-4.0.3&q=85&fm=jpg&crop=entropy&cs=srgb&dl=leah-hetteberg-A1VLL159QqI-unsplash.jpg


.
It has been a while since I posted. I needed an emotional break.

Recently, while examining my behavior and habits, fear of failure was always under the surface.

Even retired, my fear of failure influences my behavior and emotional state.

I would say many professional athletes compete out of fear of failure.

We feel it’s a trial of worthiness, every challenge, game, or tournament.

If it’s a team sport, we fear letting our teammates down.

In sports, a lack of performance leads to firing, death to who we thought we were. My mother told me God made me to be a professional baseball player. Who can I be now at 71?

Some athletes have considerable difficulty losing their supposed true identity.

Fear of failure is jet fuel for worry.

Self-worth has an enormous influence on every aspect of life.

My work is to be aware of fear’s influence, then adjust letting these emotions release.

The more that I can stay present, the better chance for equanimity.

“Equanimity is steady through vicissitudes, equally close to the things you may like and the things you do not like.” By Sheila Catherine
.
.

17 Sep

The Wounded Heart

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@jccards


.
Excerpt from The Deep Heart

“We are continuing to learn more about the origins and impacts of childhood conditioning, particularly when it comes to developmental trauma.

Researchers have discovered that children respond differently to traumatic events than adults do.

In part this is due to their undeveloped nervous system, in part due to the ongoing nature of the traumas, and in part due to the fact that their primary caretakers — those the children rely on for stability, guidance, and protection — are the source of these traumas.

Developmental traumas arise from ongoing neglect, abandonment, or abuse.

The impacts of chronic, relationally oriented trauma are pervasive and long lasting.

All aspects of children’s experiences become distorted.

Their ability to self-regulate, experience relative control and mastery, think clearly, self-soothe, take care of themselves, recognize and articulate needs and feelings, feel worthy, focus attention, learn, trust others, bond, and stay physically healthy are all compromised, sometimes severely.

Studies have shown that 75 percent of prison inmates suffer from developmental trauma.”
.
.

12 Sep

How Does Social Anxiety Affect the Brain?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@a_d_s_w

.

Excerpt from PyschCentral

“Social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia, is a form of anxiety that causes intense fear and embarrassment in social situations.

For example, it’s common to feel slightly nervous when meeting new people or speaking in public. People with social anxiety disorder can experience a paralyzing fear that makes it hard for them to live everyday life.

We now know that social anxiety disorder affects more than just relationships, work, and other daily activities — it also affects the brain.

Researchers have found that critical areas in the brains of socially anxious people function differently. These areas mainly involve processing emotion, danger, and social cues.

What causes social anxiety?


It’s still not clear exactly what causes social anxiety. Research from 2022 suggests that genetic and environmental influences cause social anxiety, such as upbringing and life experiences.

Research has revealed certain areas of the brain that play a role in fear and anxiety, and we know that genetics affects their function. But researchers don’t yet know which specific genes those are.

Children of controlling, overprotective, or intrusive parents are more likely to develop a social anxiety disorder.

Stressful life events such as sexual or emotional abuse also increase the risk of developing the disorder.

The hope is that by studying how the brain is affected by social anxiety, researchers can develop more effective treatments for the disorder.”

Continued in response

.

.

11 Sep

PTSD: trauma over time

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@krivitskiy


.
Childhood abuse impacts our life and does the most damage by repeatedly exploding month after month, year after year.

This strengthens the symptoms of PTSD and makes them almost a habit. We adjust our behavior, avoid triggers, while trying to limit the danger we feel.

Then, we start to anticipate danger, it feels like real fear.

It sure secretes our fear drugs (cortisol and adrenaline) numerous times a day.

We navigate life by avoiding triggers and danger subconsciously. It becomes a habit over time.

Hypervigilance becomes a way of keeping safe.

Avoiding calms our hypervigilance for a while but narrows life.

Hypervigilance happens quickly without thought, every time I go out, enter a building, or plan an outing.

I have never been able to stop my hypervigilance from happening but I can ignore the danger as not real at times.
.
.

« Older Entries
%d bloggers like this: