Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

Do we ever break free of childhood abuse and habits?

.
I find the isolation and lack of autonomy the most damaging scars from my childhood.

.

https://unsplash.com/@gasparuhas

.

My father was a puppetmaster, he told me who I would be, what I would believe in, and who I could be or could not be friends with.

He controlled the depth of all friendships, and others he did not like.

All the stats say community, having support is excellent for healing.

I have no history of community except for team sports and I guess work.

My dad isolated me for greater control, whether it damaged me or not, a narcissist does not give a shit.

I could not function inside my house, how would I survive the outside world.

My dad assumed part of my being, autonomy was too risky for him.

No way he would even let a thought of going against his will survive.

His hair-trigger volatility and penchant for violence against me were always loaded.

To this day I struggle to know who I am or repair my damaged ego.

Abused kids are rarely trusting or open to others, many warm feelings are unknown to us.

What a dilemma!

As an old retired guy, reaching out has become much harder, my trauma erupting has brought suffering and fear.
.
.

For abused kids: Why are we on this Planet?

.

.

https://unsplash.com/@susan_wilkinson

.

I have questions that will never be answered, so many of us out there.

Why am I on this planet? Am I paying for a bad past life? Abused kids do not understand why we were born into violence and abuse?

Old age seems as unwelcoming as birth for this abused kid.

As my body deteriorates, my mind slows, becomes forgetful and weaker, my chronic pain increases.

My emotional and physical pain are out of control.

Childhood trauma has an encore for me, the most damaging experiences return with a vengeance.

I do not understand why I suffer, why my mind will not let go of its most painful event, why nothing helps.

Abuse has robbed my brain of wiring in a supportive and safe environment.

Life carries far less value for abused kids.

I do not feel good about life, what has happened to me, how I have been treated, how I have suffered because of others.

When we experience loss, our being is wounded, we sink, recoil, isolate and try to numb the pain.

We have difficulty enjoying life, trauma fills our being with danger and shame.

People have done things to me I will never forget, a mate shaming me publicly has left a permanent stain.

After a horrendous childhood, we are vulnerable to being used by people.

It happened to me in a way that brought suicidal thoughts, feelings of not wanting to be alive.

Who understands?

Why am I on this planet?

My hopelessness embarrasses me but I share anyway.

.

.

Emotional Regulation: Yikes!!!!!!

.

https://unsplash.com/@tengyart

.

Excerpt: From Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD

“The Body Keeps the Score”

“When trauma emanates from within the family, children experience a crisis of loyalty and organize their behavior to survive within their families. Being prevented from articulating what they observe and experience, traumatized children will organize their behavior around keeping the secret, deal with their helplessness with compliance or defiance, and acclimate in any way they can to entrapment in abusive or neglectful situations.

Being left to their own devices leaves chronically traumatized children with deficits in emotional self-regulation. This results in problems with self-definition as reflected by a lack of a continuous sense of self, poorly modulated affect and impulse control, including aggression against self and others, and uncertainty about the reliability and predictability of others, expressed as distrust, suspiciousness, and problems with intimacy, resulting in social isolation.

Chronically traumatized children tend to suffer from distinct alterations in states of consciousness, including amnesia, hypermnesia, dissociation, depersonalization and derealization, flashbacks and nightmares of specific events, school problems, difficulties in attention regulation, disorientation in time and space, and sensorimotor developmental disorders. The children often are literally are “out of touch” with their feelings, and often have no language to describe internal states.

When a child lacks a sense of predictability, he or she may experience difficulty developing of object constancy and inner representations of their own inner world or their surroundings. As a result, they lack a good sense of cause and effect and of their own contributions to what happens to them.

Without internal maps to guide them, they act, instead of plan, and show their wishes in their behaviors, rather than discussing what they want. Unable to appreciate clearly who they or others are, they have problems enlisting other people as allies on their behalf. Other people are sources of terror or pleasure but are rarely fellow human beings with their own sets of needs and desires.

These children also have difficulty appreciating novelty. Without a map to compare and contrast, anything new is potentially threatening. What is familiar tends to be experienced as safer, even if it is a predictable source of terror.

Traumatized children rarely discuss their fears and traumas spontaneously. They also have little insight into the relationship between what they do, what they feel, and what has happened to them. They tend to communicate the nature of their traumatic past by repeating it in the form of interpersonal en- actments, both in their play and in their fantasy lives.

.

PTSD has a physical part and an emotional part

.
When my childhood trauma ignited in my mid 50’s, the physical side of PTSD exploded along with these nasty intrusive thoughts.

.

https://pixabay.com/users/alexas_fotos-686414/

The physical, my fight or flight mechanism erupted 10 to 15 times a day. Our nervous system has another controller, another entity that can take over the operation now.

He/She is called PTSD.

My first goal focused on calming the fight or flight mechanism, trying to shut down the PTSD explosions.

We need our fight or flight mechanism for normal danger, for defense and protection, not for the abstract danger of PTSD.

After we have calmed this adrenal stress response, what remains are the symptoms, dissociation, hypervigilance, avoidance, flashbacks, emotional deregulation, startle response, difficulty concentrating, sleep issues, distortion of time, and unlimited intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts remind me of a Gatlin gun firing, they are much faster and much more numerous than normal.

Time spent ruminating in the past or trying to predict the future fuels PTSD. It is similar to pouring jet fuel onto a fire.

Dissociation is the kingpin of all these symptoms.

PTSD thrives when we leave the present moment, grasping intrusive thoughts in the past leads to suffering.

PTSD is confusing, time is distorted, usually, we have a beginning and a middle for our trauma narrative, the lack of an ending is the issue.

Healing is not a cognitive journey. Words will not heal us.

Our trauma is stored on the side of the brain that contains no words, no good or bad, no right or wrong.

Trauma is stored at the time it occurs with our abilities at that age.

Childhood trauma is stored at a young age without the brain being developed, so our abilities are limited.

Certain parts of the brain needed to heal are not yet online and functioning.

Our goal is to bring all old trauma into the present moment, so we can integrate it.
.
.

Waking up in the Morning with PTSD

I wish it would stay dark, morning would not arrive, prolonging my avoidance of the world


Laying in bed early in the morning, a new day greets me with Ptsd symptoms, anxiety, depression, fear, worry, and a foreboding sense of shame.

.

https://pixabay.com/users/greyerbaby-2323/

.

Danger, violence, and betrayal surround me, knowing it is irrational does not stop that snowball from rolling down that hill.

The symptoms and damage are real. The thoughts are irrational and biased, called implicit memory (stored trauma).

Abused kids’ brains are wired differently, altered to survive childhood, sensitive to danger, and proficient at surviving and avoiding.

Life is reactionary and premeditated, we feel vulnerable around people, taking risks is dangerous.

My symptoms and thoughts tell one side of the story, the way I live my life shines a light on the damage done.

I avoid people when possible, limit my contact and chances for betrayal.

Ptsd brings enough fear that it destroys desire, it diminishes the little pleasure I enjoy.

Ptsd has made me a loner of the highest degree.

I would be content if my suffering and isolation would calm.

My PTSD has exploded again, trying to stop the pain has become a mission.

My mind has become the enemy, abuse has overwhelmed my sense of value.

Weakening as I age has made my PTSD more powerful.

It is not the explosion of my fight or flight mechanism, the dumping of cortisol and adrenaline anymore, it is a deep depression, worthlessness, and harsh betrayal that haunts my waking thoughts.

Pain and suffering are daily companions, feeling worthy, feeling attached and calm are foreign emotions.

I can not find the door out this time.

The escape route is hidden in the confusion of latent trauma.

My life is highly irrational, I search for the key to enter a calmer existence.

Will I ever trust or feel a little contentment?
.
.

What does happiness look like for you?..

.

Failure or should I say fear of failure has followed me subconsciously since early childhood.


If happiness depends on being normal, thinking like an unabused person, we are doomed to failure.

https://images.pexels.com/photos/15286/pexels-photo.jpg?cs=srgb&dl=pexels-luis-del-r%C3%ADo-15286.jpg&fm=jpg

Some failure is beyond our control.

My father never said a kind word to me, he criticized my every action then physically beat me severely.

The world holds so much more danger and loss for me.

My dad demanded perfection, nothing less than a great professional baseball player was acceptable.

I failed him, miserably, I was a thing to him.

I feel at risk around people, I do not trust them, do not know how to trust them.

Betrayal left a permanent stain in college, intimacy died in the face of opportunity.

People have been treacherous in my life.

Happiness for me does not involve lots of people or any somedays.

At 70, I can not change the damage, the impact on my life.

I strive to improve every day but I have avoided people, groups, crowds, and organizations.

Solitude is much safer and more fulfilling in my world.

What does happiness look like for you?
.
.

A Christmas Wish for you: Never give in, Never give up!

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/11188699061880344/

.

Lately, I have been struggling, old trauma resurfacing has impacted my life negatively.

At times it feels like there is no hope only darkness and suffering.

You have read desperate posts of suffering and hopelessness.

I can not hide my tough times, Ptsd will impact us the rest of our lives from time to time.

But that’s not the whole story.

I have not given up.

My effort to heal remains the same, I continue to search for that opening.

Do not give in, do not give up.

Some days that is my purpose.

If I was dependant on results, quitting would be much easier.

Sometimes, putting in the work, in the face of helplessness is all I need.

We have to find gratitude in our effort.

Recognize the difficulty that we face, revel in the ability to take action in the face of fear and anxiety.

I have sat many hours in silent meditation, alone with my mind, observing my trauma thoughts.

Giving up is easy, victimhood does not end well.

Know that taking daily action, resisting, fighting to improve holds pockets of joy and satisfaction.

Victimhood carries the known sufferings that we accept as our destiny.

Victimhood carries no hope.

Never giving up need not succeed to bring purpose and some satisfaction.

.

.

Ho Ho Ho: Christmas brings unresolved shame,

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/138063544813531301/

.

Holidays bring depression and reminders of unresolved shame for me.

My trauma memories cancel this false celebration of family, Christmas.

I would rather not be involved in Christmas, in the celebration of how great family is supposed to be.

To the outside world, I smile and play the shallow role of a normal person.

On the inside, I resent what people have done to me!

I was born into the prison of a violent abusive narcissist.

There was no escape, no way to survive the damage, emotional and physical.

Fear, anxiety, and shame were my dominant emotions.

Critical violence was my father’s favorite game with me.

Life always came at me too fast, I was fighting a separate battle of abuse besides trying to be a kid.

I worried so much I puked often.

My nervous system was always on high alert, that little boy feared for his life.

I did not attach to another human being, my dad isolated me for total control.

Now, I am the consummate loner, I avoid people, contact except for necessities.

I lost the ability to trust, to desire attachment, to be vulnerable to betrayal.

It pains me to see the damage.

Feeling worthy is something I will never experience.

.

.

Are normal people proud of their lives?

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/16114511154814772/

.

Can therapy fix my life?

Will I ever feel normal, have warm emotions and attachments like normal people?

Will I ever feel safe in public, around strangers, or in a relationship?

Can you show me what love is?

How does it work, feel? How can you trust, how can you feel safe?

What is it? I experienced public shame when I tried to love.

I only know abuse and betrayal, I have no idea what love is, or how it works.

How do you trust another human being?

My childhood was brutal, dad beat me with a special paddle, screaming shame-filled words as he abused me.

That son of a bitch enjoyed brutalizing me.

It would take me into adulthood before I threatened him.

He was a coward facing a grown man, but the damage was done.

A coward, my father could only bully a kid.

Love does not flow from violent childhood abuse.

How do I handle the shame from childhood, from college?

Normal kids got love, abused kids received a heavy dose of shame.

Are normal people proud of their lives?

I am ashamed of my life and do not want to be reincarnated or born again.

.

.

PTSD: Things normal people do not know

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/3448137205603336/

.

Childhood for all abused kids: We experience the coldness, the cruelty, and violent dysfunction of life immediately.

It is all we know, a loving touch becomes the sting of a paddle or belt, the emotional connection becomes abusive language and criticism.

When both caregivers participate, the child’s life will be riddled with turmoil, suffering, more loss, and abuse.

I was shamed physically and emotionally by my father on a weekly basis.

This is where future drug addicts, prostitutes, alcoholics, criminals, and highly dysfunctional adults are created.

We fix very few of these kids, in my opinion.

Look at our jails, our opioid crisis, our divorce and rape rates.

Hell, we shoot each other over masks, politics and some of these people had normal childhoods?

I did not form an attachment as a kid to either parent, kids like me have never felt normal emotions of love, kindness, safety, or calm.

We do not know what a loving relationship looks like, our role models abused us.

My ego has never felt safe or worthy. I know this after a decade of therapy and intense meditation.

All those accomplishments, all those trophies did nothing for my soul.

Some of us have never loved or felt like someone loved us.

Betrayal collapses our world, we retreat, hide, hibernate and try to unplug from all people.

Was there to much damage to us that we can not feel safe enough to try and see the good.

.

.

%d bloggers like this: