Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

Our PTSD has Patterns

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A couple days ago my PTSD reacted to external stimulus, one of those invalidating discussions with a friend.

No, my fight or flight did not erupt, my nervous system revs up some, nothing scary or intimidating.

The irrational thinking part of PTSD takes over. This is my main culprit.

This is my pattern.

A battle between letting the crap go versus engaging the trauma begins.

We have to find reality in the midst of all the PTSD symptoms.

For me, I play defense, refuse to make decisions, discount the anger and unworthiness that PTSD offers.

When intrusive thoughts flow, anxiety arrives and cognitive functions become confusing.

We get lost and suffer.

What is real life and what is trauma? Takes time and practice to decipher this riddle.

In a couple of days the horizon clears back to our PTSD normal.

I always come back, never get lost for long now.

For me, this is most freedom available, being able to navigate PTSD when it erupts.

I have lost my guilt around my abuse, this is a soothing accomplishment.

I take daily action, try to heal a little each day.

Never give up, never give in, this is our challenge.

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PTSD: The reason I am like I am

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Growing up in a dangerous environment, my mind was always focused on my father’s mental condition.

Whether at school or home, whatever the task at hand, my fear of my father was stronger than any task.

Any school work or athletic event brought consequences from my father.

My purpose in life was to achieve enough to save my ass from emotional and physical abuse.

I have a hard time with purpose and desire now. My father defined my purpose, my mother told me a God made me to be a professional baseball star.

Being a separate individual was not allowed for me. I was owned, they made that damn clear.

That’s both my caregivers defining my purpose in life.

My parents had no boundaries when it came to me.

My mother never said a word or tried to protect me from the beatings or emotional abuse that would land my father in jail for a long time today.

She actually was the enabler for him.

Now, as an old man, my family denies everything, my mom actually told me dad never laid a hand in me.

I asked her what that giant paddle with all the holes drilled in it dad made at the cabinet shop was for.

What do you do when your mother lies about what they did to you?

It took me years to be able to share my details.

Healing is mixed with bouts of suffering and a huge dose of worry and anxiety.

It’s a minefield trying to feel safe interacting with people.

My daughter does not know how I can be at peace with minimal interaction with outsiders.

You have to live my life, my childhood, experience my abuse to understand.

If you betray me or manipulate me, we are done for life.

Childhood abuse has made me much more rigid than normal people.

I accept that and have no guilt, I did not abuse me.

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Navigating the harm of normal people

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Over 20 vets have committed suicide everyday for the last three years.

Why couldn’t they just let it go, be strong. They had families, children and responsibilities.

What force could drive them to give up and take their own lives.

A normal person, not abused in childhood, has no clue what forces drive them to take their own lives.

I understand exactly why they take their lives, to stop the pain.

Wonder how they reacted when people told them to just let it go? Ignore your trauma and act normal, ignore the anxiety, ignore the fear.

I would like to see anyone of them handle my childhood trauma so easily and completely.

Our prisons are full of abused kids, growing up dysfunctional as adults, why did they fail, why couldn’t they just let their PTSD go?

How many abused young girls become prostitutes and drug addicts, cutters and suicidal risks?

Why could they not just let their sexually abusive childhoods go?

The outside world sees us as weak and broken. I have entered spaces and shared my childhood trauma trying to heal, my boldness has brought rebuke and pain.

I am not weak, I doubt if any of them could of walked my life or your life.

I get upset when supposed friends invalidate my PTSD and suffering.

I guess part of our suffering is enduring never being validated by normal people.

I must be seriously flawed not being able to effortlessly let my trauma go.

We get burnt over and over when we share our suffering.

Now, I will search for relief in private again.

Besides my therapist, this is the only safe place I have to share my trauma challenges.

Thank all of you for understanding.

Thoughts, experiences, ideas?

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People tell me PTSD is a choice


Friends tell me PTSD is a choice, choose not to think about PTSD and it will disappear.

Pixabay ArtsyBee

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I am lost I guess, after a decade of work, PTSD being a choice is the farthest from the truth in my trauma world.

I get frustrated with the simplistic solutions that do not work for me.

My PTSD runs on its own without any help from me. I have been asked if I really want to heal or do I want to suffer with PTSD.

How do you answer such an uniformed insult?

We are supposed to ignore our trauma, our triggers and assume a normal posture, a normal life.

At my worst, my fight or flight firing 15 times a day, my body filled with cortisol and adrenaline, agoraphobia took root.

Somehow, someway, my desires should go back to normal.

My desires have never been normal, my life has never been normal, abuse always nullified desire for me.

I tried to not think about PTSD yesterday.

Is there something I am missing like this is a cure.

Nothing changed.

People do not understand violent childhood abuse.

This isolates me more, my tendency is to pull away from these voices.

My life, my PTSD, frustrates people, there is always an answer, always a cure, always a happy ending.

Damn what a life this is.

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Inner critics impact on memory, self image

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Our inner critic impacts much more than the present moment, He/She colors every memory.

The inner critic sees our existence through a prism of unworthiness.

Memories are felt through the unworthy inner critic, much more negative than the average Jack or Jill.

Our memories are sabotaged, the past seems quite a night mare.

A narcissist is the polar opposite of us, he/she reads every memory close to adoration, unworthiness does not exist in this mind.

Our Ego and self image flow from the inner critic. Our personality is joined with this negative culprit, the inner critic.

Our inner critic has operated from the earliest memories as a kid, intertwined inside brain development.

It is my goal to unplug this destructive entity, calming the voice, soothing the critic, overwhelming him/her with living in this moment.

The inner critic steals opportunity, doubt and worry keeps us from risking, living fully.

Accomplishments only last a short time, fear of failure returns quickly, peace of mind is my dream healing destination.

My goals are to improve some each day, healing is out of my control or reach right now.

I have a specific target now, my inner voice.

I like to use a laser like focus, one specific symptom at a time.

Life will be better if I can manage this beast of burden.

Attitude and effort is all I control, may I smile while busting ass to heal.

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Quieting the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD

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FEBRUARY 14, 2019 TRACI POWELL

Complex PTSD involves a strong inner critic that presents a great challenge to recovery. Learn to manage PTSD’s inner critic to decrease emotional flashbacks at HealthyPlace.

One of the greatest challenges of complex posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is quieting the inner critic. The critic develops as a result of a neglectful or abusive home in which caregivers do not provide a sense of safe attachment in the child. Many children in this situation will enact perfectionist mode, believing if they could just be good enough or do things well enough, they can prove their worth and earn parental love. However, over time, as perfectionism fails to create the bond the child so desperately needs, anxiety and sadness build in the child.

As anxiety grows due to failed attempts at perfection, the inner critic finds its voice. The child begins to search for all of the ways he or she is flawed, becomes hyper self-critical and takes on the blame of the parent’s lack of affection. The critic can become even worse when the abusive environment includes constant berating about the child’s stupidity or worthlessness.

Eventually, the child believes emphatically that he or she is inherently faulty. Still needing parental love, a cycle begins of perfectionism to win over the parents followed by severe self-criticism. As perfection continues to fail, over time, perceived imperfection becomes deeply attached to fear and shame.

How the Inner Critic of Complex PTSD Causes Emotional Flashbacks

My childhood was filled with people who were wounded people themselves and therefore completely unable to provide me with a sense of safety and love. I took the perfectionist route, which not only didn’t make my family treat me better but instead resulted in ridicule or physical harm. Eventually, I connected doing good with being very bad, but I just continued to work harder at perfection to prove my worth.

Now, I have a very present inner critic. For a long time, I shamed myself for every little or big mistake, which would result in me making choices that were not healthy because I was angry at myself for what I felt was me not being good enough. I still struggle to ignore my inner critic at times. It loves to tell me how worthless and imperfect I am, which leads to me emotionally flashing back to the days when I felt that way all of the time. Once my inner critic takes charge of my thinking, I can spiral quickly into depression and anxiety.

Silence Your Inner Critic to Manage Complex PTSD

Because your inner critic is so closely tied to the feelings of worthlessness you had as a child, it’s important to stop it as soon as possible. One of the best defenses against the inner critic is to fight back with positive thoughts. If you can move quickly to identify the inner critic thought and replace it with a new positive one, you can head off a spiral down into an emotional flashback.

Take note of situations in which your inner critic most often comes out. For me, it almost always happens if I’m taking a class because school was where I always tried the hardest to prove my worth. Even if I were to receive 99 percent on a paper, I would instantly start beating myself up over the missed point that kept me from receiving a perfect score. That little one point has caused my inner critic to lead me down into emotional flashbacks so badly that I quit a class, believing I had no right to participate.

Now, whether it’s a class or anything else in life, I do my best to fight the critic and give myself credit for the part that I did right. This helps the abused little girl in me to feel it’s ok to not be perfect.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to find anything positive when the inner critic has already sent you into a flashback. To be prepared for such situations, take time to create a list of some of your positive qualities and accomplishments, no matter how small. This list can act as a constant reminder to the adult you that you are a worthy individual, helping you battle the emotional flashback. As you learn to interrupt your inner critic, you’ll begin to be on your own side and teach the child within you to know that he or she has value.

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My two cents: This is a huge issue for me, my inner voice fuels unworthiness.

My new focus is to damper this demon.

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A rerun: 5 Ways Anger is Not Like Other Emotions By Jonice Webb

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/21462535715145928/

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Anger is not just any old emotion. It’s special.

In fact, it’s so special that a 2017 survey by the Mental Health Foundation of 2000 people found that 28% are sometimes worried about the level of anger that they feel.

First, let’s outline what makes anger different from other emotions, and then we’ll talk about how you can use this information to become happier and healthier in your life.

* It’s Motivating: Anger’s purpose is to push you to protect yourself. Anger gives you energy. It’s activating, and it drives you to engage, not withdraw, as most other emotions do.

* It Never Stands Alone: Anger is always a result of feeling something else. You feel hurt, marginalized, overlooked, targeted, mistreated or vulnerable. Anger isn’t just an emotion, it’s a constellation of emotions. There are always layers of feelings underneath it, feeding it.

* It Seeks a Target: Other emotions can simply be. Anger cannot. Like an arrow shot from the bow, it looks for a target. This is what makes anger so easy to misdirect. It may erupt at the wrong person, in the wrong way and at the wrong time so very easily.

* It Can Be Turned Inward or Outward: Sometimes directing our anger at its true target can be acutely uncomfortable, and sometimes we aren’t aware of the true target. This is when we are at risk for turning our anger inward, directing it at ourselves.

* It’s Capable of Damaging Your Health: Research has shown that anger prone individuals and people who express their anger as rage are more at risk for heart attacks and cancer.

Anger is a powerful, protective, complex emotion.

Yes, it has potential to do great damage.

But used properly, it also has potential to help you mightily.“

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My two cents: My PTSD emotions have changed while trying to heal.

At first fear and anxiety ruled my life, erupting triggers overpowered any cognitive defense.

Anger was rarely used until I calmed my triggers exploding, not until the fear subsided did my resentment and anger surface.

When I am suffering, resentment and anger want a prominent place in my thoughts.

It is the daily ongoing battle of PTSD , the war that I have been waging since childhood.

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Orphan Triplets: separated by class then studied

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My rational mind has no understanding why a certain traumatic event carries such power and fear.

My rational mind has no control over when and how intense PTSD will erupt or last. All I know is my effort to heal this out of control demon.

The irrational, PTSD part of my mind, runs without input from my rational, cognitive side of my brain.

Cognitively, I know normal people are able to let past memories go and move on.

I understand trauma is stored as implicit memory in the right amygdala and also in the body.

The consequences of these mechanisms changes life forever.

The differences between self image, thought patterns, levels of cortisol, anxiety, fear of people, and trust is massive.

The difference between a severely abused child’s life and one who is supported is drastic.

They have taken orphaned triplets in England and placed them in different households to study the impact of childhood. Some were sent to different economic conditions , one poor, one average and one well to do.

They did not tell the kids or adoptive parents what they were doing. This was a study on the influence of class on kids.

The nurturing of the kids was more important than class. A poor foster dad who was devoted to his kid turned out fine.

These researchers were playing God. The kids met in there 40’s, not knowing they had two other twins.

One of the kids placed in a rich home committed suicide, so class is not the only factor.

It’s between biology and nurturing that decides what life will be.

In today’s environment I doubt if you could do such a study again, playing with life for science.

In real life, birth is the ultimate lottery ticket.

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My moods shift, ptsd ignites again

Pixabay: pixel2013

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This is my mood right now, by noon it will shift, by six another emotion will rule, life is a struggle, it is painful.

It took me 8 years of intense therapy and meditation to calm all my PTSD symptoms. I was not completely healed but life was good for two years.

I meditated five hours a day for five years, went to weekly therapy, read everything on therapy, trauma, meditation, mindfulness and many spiritual or holistic healers..

It was the only two year period of relief in my life.

Now an old trauma ignited my childhood abuse, my PTSD has fired up again.

I thought it was dead, thought I beat it.

Ten years of work, how can it regenerate like this?

I have not given up but I have lost hope of ever healing, now.

Many people have spoken to me, when they had no response for my old trauma, they said bad shit happens.

It’s like that makes it ok or something, many people suffer the rest of their life after bad shit happening.

Always those without childhood abuse say just move on, it is simple, easy for them.

People are clueless and do more harm, friendships end.

I search and find something new, pour my heart into it, get momentary relief, then trauma eats my ass up again.

No matter how much some of us work, healing will likely never happen.

Sometimes hiking I wish I could just keep going deep in the woods, hike right off this damn planet, be free of what people have done to me.

I wish the pain would stop.

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Childhood PTSD lasts a lifetime

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My childhood PTSD has three heads, the first deals with the consequences, subconscious and overt over my lifetime, the second encompasses all the therapy and effort trying to heal and lastly the effort to function in this present moment.

The second phase of trying to heal from childhood abuse did not start until my mid 50’s. My father considered therapy a sign of weakness. The main reason: I had no idea something needed fixed, no clue PTSD was an issue.

When my PTSD exploded in my mid 50’s, trying to heal consumed all my energy and focus. My trauma was living under the radar, in my subconscious, until a family crisis set it loose.

On the healing path, the consequences of PTSD are numerous. I can give you examples where my life was devastated by traumas curse. Our memory, our past haunts us, it is cloudy and confusing and extremely scary.

It never totally disappears and has a habit of exploding when stress visits me.

Now my time is spent trying to function in this present moment. Life is a minefield, mood changes and triggers abound.

Life has never been free for me, always guarded, PTSD changed my personality and wellbeing.

There is no celebration over what I have overcome. Shame, humiliation, physical harm and unworthiness are the gifts childhood trauma gave to me.

If you are looking for a storybook ending, childhood trauma is the wrong place to search. From the Adverse Childhood Experiences, we have more cancer, addictions, suicides, chronic diseases, other mental disorders and early death.

We are not normal. I feel that to my very core.

Ask any abused kid if he would want to experience childhood again or the life after it.

I am not alone, life does not feel safe for some of us, we do not trust people.

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