Posts Tagged ‘Fear of failure’

Fear of Failure

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Fear of failing kept me alive during my childhood, helped me to survive my dad.

It felt like a symptom of abuse (Ptsd), like hypervigilance or dissociation.

I always knew physical and emotional punishment would be the consequence of any failure as a kid.

My father was brutal with his criticism, I needed to be twice as good as everyone else, not just win.

He did not select me because of my superior talent, it was his narcissistic desire for stardom through his first child.

This mindset has never left me subconsciously, I find it brings worry, and doubt to this day.

Can you find habits from childhood that shape your life today?

Fear of failure is jet fuel for the inner critic.

My father made my self-worth dependant on my performance, I could lose everything each day with a failure.

I could be worthless in his eyes by how I performed on a competitive field.

Fear of failure allowed a mediocre athlete like me to play professional baseball.

Oh, it is great for performance, outstanding accomplishments are celebrated.

Well-being is replaced with hollow trophies, self worth is all based on tomorrows performance.

At 70, I still fear failure at anything.

It is another invisible prison, like PTSD.

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Fear of Failing haunts me

Sahar Zulfiqar Ahmad|Personal Development|Mental Health

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My father was a narcissist that liked keeping his target in survival mode. He had much more control. He wanted me to fear him, obey him like a robot.

At 18 in the garage, he got pissed and started coming at me.

For the first time in my life, I clinched my first and took a step backward. He stopped immediately and said you do not kick your old mans ass.

He had beat me for 18 years. As an adult, I regretted not taking the opportunity. All his abuse was emotional from then on.

Fear of abandonment and failure were constant companions.

I would rather die that lose or be humiliated. What was important was dictated by my dads desires. He told me what to think, how to play, who to like and who to hate.

That was not a rational decision but a symptom of childhood trauma.

My dad was not capable of saying a kind word to me. I see that now.

At 69, underneath, deep inside, I always avoid criticism and ridicule.

I think about death and failing.

Yes even death holds a chance of ridicule for me.

My mind Searches every person and situation evaluating the chance of being ridiculed or humiliated. It does it on its own without thought from me.

I avoid places and people, groups to survive even now.

It feels intrinsic, before thought, who I am.

That can not be true, but how much fear and abuse does it take to imprint for life, like this.

What I see in the mirror does not resemble what my friends see in me.

Words do not reach my core.

What do you do when you have done the healing work for ten years and you are still suffering?

I healed once before this repressed trauma from college exploded.

All my tools and skills have not touched this new trauma.

At 69 to be suffering like this, pisses me off.

My PTSD does not scare me anymore, it pisses me off.

I wonder what happened to my father when he died.

Did he have to pay for abusing me?

How do you ruin a life your were supposed to love and protect?

I guess abusers have different thoughts than us.

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Fear of failure is a beast!

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I was raised by a father whose vehicle to inspire me was criticism. Never good enough for his standards, was my plight. At 40, with a degree in chemistry and seven years of pro baseball under my belt, I felt like a failure.

 

 

Fear of failure drove me to outwork, out play, outperform anyone in front of me. It was great for performance, victory. Conditioned love was always up for judgment. If I did not perform well, I was treated harshly.

 

My father never wanted me to feel comfortable or satisfied I guess, criticism would develop the best athlete. Many fathers in the Midwest treated their sons harshly.

 

My healing was not easy. For a type A personality, a devoted overachiever, healing meant not overachieving. It was extremely difficult to stop judging myself.

 

Fear of failure craves approval. Approval is external and out of our control.

 

Now, I have found compassion meditation, showering myself with inner peace.

 

This care circuit has opened easily and builds quickly so far.

 

Inner peace was completely foreign to my being. When the first waves of warmth appeared, I was startled and relieved.

 

 

Never did I think, a time would come when I was fine, complete, not at risk for a moment.

 

Never give up, never give in, exhaust all effort, let yourself feel inner peace.
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