Posts Tagged ‘family’

Hard lessons and erecting Boundaries…



I had to eliminate people who upset or triggered me.

The calmer, more centered, my nervous system could maintain over six months, the greater chance for healing.

For me, my family all five of them, both of us decided to disown each other.

I could not heal with them in my life, they sided with my abuser, my dead father, the perfect family has to be preserved.

Some families pressure a family member, raped by another family member to participate in Christmas together.

This sends a message of acceptance for the rapist, approval that he is still a family member in good standing. (the S.O.B. should be in jail)

The correct move, is to let them decide, between the abuser and you. Takes so much courage, it is way out of our comfort zone. Just announce you will not be coming if your abuser is there.

This is a big healing step! No guarantee how it will turn out.

Our self worth is not connected to anything the family says or does.

I have done fine without my family, in fact, they were never there for me and the change was minimal.

I know this is hard, however look at their behavior.

They are placing you in danger, you will be triggered and have upset for weeks leading up to Christmas.

Your family, my family were highly dysfunctional, their behavior is mentally damaging to us.

I have dealt with this situation in my mindfulness group.

In one incidience, the mother finally had to face reality.

She choose her daughter and Christmas improved, her parental relationship changed.

Takes courage for us to stand up, erect a boundary, then enforce the consequence.

Very scary, enormously powerful!

I would ask my family to go to a therapist with you, and share their thoughts on having your rapist at Christmas dinner.

Having an expert, an authority figure to moderate will change their position. See their reaction, do they refuse?

We know by heart all our betrayals and losses in life and dread another one.

When we face a self worth issue like this, it consumes us.

After we get past this situation, the next self worth issue arises.

Check out our pattern, our lack of self worth, lack of boundaries, manifests time after time.

We must erect boundaries and enforce them.

Healing is not coming by osmosis or avoidance.




Internal Family System by Dr. Richard Schwartz Ph.D. : part one



The IFS Model, which evolved as a result of this exploration, views a person as containing an ecology of relatively discrete minds, each of which has valuable qualities and each of which is designed to — and wants to — play a valuable role within.

These parts are forced out of their valuable roles, however, by life experiences that can reorganize the system in unhealthy ways.

A good analogy is an alcoholic family in which the children are forced into protective and stereotypic roles by the extreme dynamics of their family.

While one finds similar sibling roles across alcoholic families (e.g., the scapegoat, mascot, lost child), one does not conclude that those roles represent the essence of those children.

Instead, each child is unique and, once released from his or her role by intervention, can find interests and talents separate from the demands of the chaotic family.

The same process seems to hold true for internal families — parts are forced into extreme roles by external circumstances and, once it seems safe, they gladly transform into valuable family members.

What circumstances force these parts into extreme and sometimes destructive roles?

Trauma is one factor, and the effects of childhood sexual abuse on internal families has been discussed at length (Goulding and Schwartz, 1995).

But more often, it is a person’s family of origin values and interaction patterns that create internal polarizations which escalate over time and are played out in other relationships.

This, also, is not a novel observation; indeed, it is a central tenet of object relations and self psychology.

What is novel to IFS is the attempt to understand all levels of human organization — intrapsychic, family, and culture — with the same systemic principles, and to intervene at each level with the same ecological techniques.



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