Posts Tagged ‘Emotions’

Feeling at peace: what does that feel like?

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I search for that peaceful feeling in the morning when the mind looks to peruse the day.

Being at peace means, feeling safe, relaxed, confident, looking forward to the day with unlimited opportunities.

Instead, my mind searches the day for danger, abstract danger, PTSD danger, perceived danger, then tries to navigate around any awkward situation.

It happens on its own, a habit practiced since childhood, it has deep roots.

I fear loss, humiliation, and failure above all else.

Our minds grapple with judgment, a never-ending stream of thoughts bombards us, and PTSD dominates our consciousness.

I deal with my PTSD symptoms no matter what I do.

At my worst I went agoraphobic for 6 months, hiding in my dark garage unable to muster the courage to go out.

My mind followed me into that dark garage, triggers fired despite my solitude.

Now, if I need to socialize or go to an event, I can navigate and participate.

It is not pleasant, it is filled with anxiety and awkwardness.

It’s like a soldier hearing a car backfire.

He takes cover spontaneously without thought, a perceived imminent threat has been heard.

He has been transported back to the battlefield.

That’s PTSD.
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Spending time in my ROOM

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This blog chronicles my decade-plus battle with PTSD.

Over 6,000 posts, plenty of educational expertise, sound advice, and an optimistic outlook for therapies and meditation.

I have read, researched, actively tried to heal through therapy, application, and meditation.

I could be a huge success story, working above and beyond, but I avoid people for safety.

I can not change reality.

In reality, I only venture out for my grandkids and necessities, hiking, food etc.

That means I live my life mainly in my room by myself.

I can not explain all my reasons, but I end up not going out.

After all the effort, all the therapy, all the courage in facing my demons, I do not socialize.

I avoid most people.

I have no desire to risk betrayal, trust died many years ago.

How do you climb out of this hole?
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PTSD: Belief System

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In the Kundalini online group, Jennifer had us look at our belief system, our thought patterns, and the attached feelings.

When I am inside my head, judging, using my cognitive prowess, my belief system locks onto my PTSDs feelings.

Lack of trust, fear, and worry fuel intrusive thoughts.

I am not a victim but I am lost, almost depressed, trying to escape this invisible prison.

How do I handle this incessant flood of trauma thoughts?

How do I dissipate the fear, anxiety, and resentment these thoughts bring?

I ignore as much as possible, focusing on my breath as a countermeasure but some get thru.

My life is consumed by PTSD at times, am I failing?

I feel like a soldier trying to escape the gore of war, it seems to never be over, never leave.

My mind never tires of running intrusive thoughts by my consciousness.

PTSD wants to control.

It is so frustrating.
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How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

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I have done therapy for a decade, applied what I learned, then meditated rigorously, and my life is still a mess.

My trauma visits me like war visits a veteran, every day we tussle.

It is a haunting existence, a bad dream, a never-ending disorder.

It has become a miserable standoff, PTSD occupies way too much time in my life.

I learned not to trust at the earliest age.

Betrayal and abandonment from a caregiver have dire consequences.

My father isolated me, he forced me to be a loner for more control.

Life was harsh, abuse and betrayal scarred me, I am an outcast.

Why does PTSD bring so much suffering in my life, so little happiness or peace of mind?

How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

How can it wield such power?
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Is PTSD fear real?

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PTSD is confusing to me, trauma is stored under such duress, fear, and anxiety it is distorted.

We never understand PTSD, we know many things about it, the symptoms, and body mechanisms but solutions and clarity are rare.

Somehow the past comes alive, and an internal battle wages to keep us safe.

Fear and anxiety become unwanted lifelong companions.

Is this fear real?

Is PTSD fear real?
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PTSD: Surviving

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PTSD has grown, maturing through the years.

Early on the challenge was my fight or flight mechanism firing, then the intrusive thoughts bombarded my being, followed by depression, and finally anger and resentment.

Anxiety, fear, and worry are always present.

PTSD at its core is subconscious fear.

We fear this abstract, perceived danger may happen again.

This fear emanates from deep inside, for abused kids, it has always been present.

PTSD will become a battle inside our heads, between our ears for life.

A subconscious, shadow world of trauma and suffering exists below the surface.

I live a large part of my life dealing with these PTSD thoughts and emotions.

It has been a harsh life.

I survive.

I survive with little trust and few attachments.

PTSD has been hard on desire, danger kills desire, and safety becomes precious as gold.

We isolate ourselves for protection and survival in our minds.

If we felt safe we would attach much more, mingle effortlessly, and be like normal people.
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Perfection as a coping mechanism

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I tried to be perfect as a coping mechanism, as a way to survive my father.

As kids, we crave our caregiver’s approval.

I feared being abandoned.

Thinking my behavior, my performance, or achievement could bring me self-worth or safety ended in major disappointment.

This void never leaves abused kids.

We search for meaning and try to grasp a purpose.

I feared my father, I did not trust him.

My path was filled with violence and ridicule, with lots of anger.

I fear loss and losing, rejection and shame.

These feelings hide below consciousness as an adult.

Happiness and trust have always been strangers.
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PTSDs invisible prison.

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My blog, my writing process, and the connection to my creativity have become a morning habit.

My inward gaze mixes with my cognitions, both questions and answers arrive.

Some have clarity while others remain confusing and cloudy.

PTSD hides in our cells and is stored as implicit memory, hidden in our right amygdala.

The storage process is heightened by fear (imminent danger), trauma shuts down parts of our prefrontal cortex, so distortion and confusion are always present.

I do not understand in any concrete way PTSDs abstract, perceived fear (emotional).

It is not physical danger, it is abstract and very emotionally charged a heightened and confusing fear.

We react the same way every time we come in contact with it.

All we know is that it feels close to emotional death, high anxiety or as it matures, more like shame.

We want to take flight when the trigger explodes, or take revenge subconsciously.

It is a shadow world we engage in, it is PTSDs invisible prison.

I know my PTSD thoughts and emotions, they arrive in a calm manner now, no cortisol or adrenaline, their poison is different but just as lethal.
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PTSD: Do you Worry

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These observations arrived after intense inner exploration and awareness.

I sit in dead silence, sensing my inner world for fear, anxiety, or agitation.

My earliest memories from childhood contain worry, a space sparsely inhabited by safety.

I am aware of my mind’s tendencies and wiring.

The spell breaks momentarily when I get absorbed in an activity or during meditation sits.

At times, I can take a step back and observe the thoughts connected to my worrisome brain.

He perceives real danger, it is a highly emotional feeling.

At times I can discount these thoughts as PTSD related and calm my nervous system, still, as a result, I avoid people.

The combination of worry and lack of trust has an isolating effect on my life.

Worry is such a harmful emotion for abused kids.

The blog psychological tools define worry this way:

What Is Worry?

“Worrying is a form of thinking about the future, defined as thinking about future events in a way that leaves you feeling anxious or apprehensive.

Clinically, excessive worry is the primary symptom of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).”
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My two cents: PTSD is also an anxiety disorder.

A correction, from NIH.gov

PTSD is no longer considered an anxiety-related disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition classification and instead is associated with trauma/stressor-related disorders. PTSD symptoms are clustered into four domains including intrusive experiences, avoidance, mood, and arousal symptoms.

Do you worry?
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Sensing the Body: part 1

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From The Deep Heart:


“As we begin to sense into our body, some areas will feel more free and open while others will feel dense and closed.

It is common to encounter areas that feel numb or frozen, and this is often true with the heart area.

As I mentioned in chapter 1, when we are young, we learn to protect our most sensitive areas from attack, abandonment, neglect, and the shocks of ordinary life.

When it’s too painful to stay open, we find ways to shut down.

We withdraw our native sensitivity like a turtle pulling back into its shell.

We try to be as small, invisible, or hard as possible in order to remain safe and avoid difficult feelings such as shame, terror, grief, rage, vulnerability, or bitter disappointment.

Sometimes, under extreme duress, we may even need to dissociate and leave our body for a while.”
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