Posts Tagged ‘Emotions’

PTSD: Getting out of our head

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The battle is engaged, I am trying to get out of my head, traveling down to my heart area (solar plexus).

I want to filter my PTSD, my irrational thoughts, and my symptoms through my heart area (soul).

When trauma thoughts lure me away, I return to my body sensations.

I have learned to sit amid my unrest, focusing intently, observing my inner world.

Breathing through my solar plexus shifts focus from my head, we know that thinking is the enemy.

My thought streams constantly venture into past betrayals and childhood abuse.

Emotional duress is fortified with the release of our fear drugs, jolting our physical body, while rational thought is compromised. We start to panic.

This is fertile ground for PTSD.

Engaging these thoughts has consequences, PTSD thrives and multiplies.

The thoughts, the shame, and the failures still visit every day.

Childhood abuse is complex, confusing, and subconscious.

Staying present, focused, and alert rescues us momentarily.

Healing is that far off goal, the moment-to-moment battle takes priority.

Some days are a constant battle, normal life takes a back seat.

This means PTSD thoughts are active.

I may be successful in staying present, however, PTSD has stopped normal functions.

Time battling PTSD is never recovered.

Hard to find joy in the middle of this war.
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Isolation and avoidance bring me safety

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The last decade has been an adventure into isolation.

I hike, read, write, meditate and take care of necessities.

I have lived most of the last decade inside my room, alone, but not lonely.

How can that be, I fear betrayal, ridicule, and shame, it makes it is easy to avoid.

How can someone survive with this sparse contact with others?

That is hard to write, what has happened to me?

How much has a mental illness, and childhood abuse impacted my day-to-day survival?

I am smart, dedicated, resourceful, and driven, but that has little impact on child abuse.

With all my successes, I have never felt worthy at my core. I am not the only one.

For the most part, I am not lonely, maybe bored from time to time but I would rather be safe and away from people.

I desire safety.

You have to learn safety has a huge price.

Subconsciously I sense danger around people, I do not trust them intimately, ever.

How can a normal person understand that level of fear?

Happy-go-lucky is the farthest personality from me.

This has been the damage PTSD has wrought.

Anyone feel like this?

Anyone else live this?
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When PTSD waits 50 years to surface

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PTSD lay dormant until my mid 50’s, then exploded one night.

As documented, many soldiers do not get PTSD until later in life, usually after a crisis.

Then the past explodes, life changes and they now have a meticulous memory of the horrors they witnessed.

My trauma exploded with a family crisis, my father, long dead was inches away from my face, and PTSD had arrived.

Then last year a shameful betrayal surfaced.

Those of us who experience PTSD later in life, fight a different battle.

We experience our trauma through the eyes of a mature adult.

I did not possess the knowledge or skills to seek support or therapy as a 20-year-old.

I experience it now as a 70-year-old.

I do not have the comfort of crazy college exuberance, drunkenness, and lack of maturity to explain it.

I can not believe another human being could betray me so publicly, so shamefully.

So many questions haunt me now.

Questions that will never be answered.

This is what trauma is like when it waits 50 years to explode.
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PTSD took over for a while

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Somewhere in the middle of covid quarantine, a traumatic memory long buried resurfaced, and I got lost.

PTSD thoughts overpowered most of my memory.

When Depression joined my PTSD, life became dark.

PTSD is confusing, thoughts are abstract, fear is palpable and high anxiety is present.

Out of this mess, my meditation space is where I gain some clarity.

I remember back now, when I was a successful salesman, often a lead salesman, it seems like another life, another century.

Next question, how did I accomplish being a successful salesman?

How did I make cold calls, do presentations, close deals, and succeed?

I am much more than my PTSD would have me believe.

PTSD took over for a while, I am wrestling back my sanity.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of mental and emotional distortion?
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It’s Not the Pump: part 2 from the DEEP HEART!

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“Our subjective experience of the heart varies enormously depending upon how intimate we are with it and, correspondingly, how separate we take ourselves to be from others.

If we are distant and alienated from our Self, we will in turn experience this with others.

For example, if on some level we are caught in a story of our unworthiness and the related feelings of shame and the fear of rejection, we feel split within ourselves and separate from others.

To put it simply, our heart feels closed, so much so that we may not even know what an open heart feels like.

Most of us have had at least episodes of thinking and feeling this way.

If this state becomes chronic, we will feel that we are lacking or flawed in an uncaring or hostile universe.

As a result, we suffer unnecessarily, radiating this suffering out to those around us.”
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Deep Heart map by John Pendergast


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“What do I mean by the Deep Heart? What is it, exactly, and what does it entail?

I want to share a multidimensional map with you, one that I have distilled after years of exploration.

This map of the heart is simple, subtle, and incomplete. It is also not completely original—others have described similar strata of the psyche.

We can access three broad levels of experience and identity in and through the heart area: ego, soul, and Self (no-self).

Ego refers to our self-story and image, along with its related feelings and sensations. It is who most of us ordinarily think and feel we are.

The Soul level is an intermediary dimension between ego and self. This level is often denied or dismissed by rationally oriented psychologists who have never contacted it experientially.

The deepest dimension—the self or no-self is unbounded and infinite, unlike any worldly ocean that has a limit, no matter how vast.”
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My two cents: I have never thought that the heart has different depths, different levels.

My meditation practice is intently focused on exploring these levels.

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It’s Not the Pump: part one from the DEEP HEART!

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“When I write about the human heart, I am not referring to the physical pump on the left side of the chest, despite its interesting electromagnetic qualities.

Rather, I mean the center of extraordinary sensitivity in the center of the chest that has infinite depth.

It is a multidimensional center of being, knowing, and feeling.

Our experience of it can range across a wide spectrum — from the gross, through the subtle, to the infinite.

Our sense of self can accordingly vary from being highly constricted and exclusive to being infinitely expansive and inclusive.

Likewise, our knowing can range from being densely veiled and distorted to being transparently clear.

Further, our capacity to feel can range from being relatively numb to being exquisitely attuned and quietly joyful, or anywhere in between.
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My two cents: I search for my multidimensional center of being, knowing, and feeling.

It’s such a different search than therapy ever posed.

Therapy helped me and healed many things, this latent trauma needs spiritual healing.

My opinion.
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Love versus Betrayal

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Is betrayal impossible with true love?

How do you know for sure?

Is betrayal, part of true love?

How can they exist together, being extreme opposites.

Does true love die when one betrays the other.

Was it really true love?
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Depression is our lonely villain

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Depression is our lonely villain, he/she takes over after the ravages of PTSD’s consequences.

I think PTSD proceeds into depression as we age.

If we have PTSD, we will be depressed, guaranteed.

PTSD is lifestyle threatening, we avoid, deny, isolate and become hypervigilant, reclusive, and afraid.

After the therapies, after all the reading, applying, navigating, intuitives, meditation, exposure therapy, cognitive therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, etc. Etc. Etc., life sucks.

More therapy is a repetition, sort of diminishing returns for me.

Like many vets who survived the war without trauma, later life is a different story.

That once stoic facade melts away when PTSD explodes.

Life changes overnight for these poor souls.

I had no idea PTSD was alive inside me until a crisis later in life exploded into my consciousness.

Older and weakened this onslaught had drastic consequences.

I have experienced PTSD EXPLODING from a crisis, then year’s later a hidden trauma, a betrayal deeply buried changed my life forever.

There are so many hidden traumatic memories, cloudy experiences from the past, and a sort of haunting beneath the surface.

Even if I win these battles, happiness, and peace of mind are complete strangers.

A crisis does not cultivate happiness or trust.
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PTSD emotions

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When we are triggered or PTSD is active our emotions spike in intensity.

If you observe a small child, the slightest upset will be met with extreme emotions, tantrums even.

A small child lacks the skill to be slightly or moderately upset, it’s all or nothing.

So black and white, so literal, so like PTSD.

We feel imminent danger without actual danger anywhere near.

Triggered I have bolted from restaurants, groceries, sporting events, etc., and been laughed at later by friends. They see no danger and are clueless about PTSD.

I have worked with PTSD people who were triggered, their fight or flight mechanism firing.

Normal emotions are overpowered, and panic ensues if you react.

For me, being able to meditate intently, dissipates the drugs of the fight or flight mechanism.

Mindfulness/Meditation can calm our anxiety and increase emotional stability.

Without my daily healing actions, PTSD would be much more destructive.

We need to calm PTSD because depression is part of the PTSD comorbid universe.
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