Posts Tagged ‘Emotions’

What is the Purpose of Life?

pixabay Comfreak

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What is the purpose of life?

First, abused kids purpose will be drastically different than a normal kids.

We are separated at birth, an abused kids life will have more early death, cancer, addiction, pain, suffering, and mental illness.

It’s like as kids we were on different planets, one supportive and one abusive, damaging.

I have never had a purpose of my own, my dad and mom told me who I was and what I would be, a pro baseball player.

That ended at 27, I have been wandering ever since.

I have friends who are happy to lucky, life is an adventure, and their purpose is evident for them.

They live a life I am not familiar with.

Purpose has a hard time living in a container of trauma, fear, and anxiety.

Purpose becomes trying to survive, trying to diminish pain, trying to be normal.

Living is painful, I suffer enough that life feels worthless.

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Life has been about enduring pain

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/1618549853309899/

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Life has been about enduring pain, enduring abuse, living without ever feeling worthy.

Being yelled at screamed at, then violently assaulted dominated my early years.

Life has been violent since my early childhood, the fear and anxiety never left.

If I had a choice, why would I choose to be born into this suffering?

How many abused kids feel the same way?

At 70, I have suffered a complete life, it is a fact.

Why did we lose the birth lottery, why were we the kids chosen to suffer?

The physical abuse fades, the emotional last a lifetime.

I have always dreamed about being different, worthy.

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unresolved pain and unhealed hurts

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From “Forgiving what you can not Forget”

“Have you ever been around someone who personalizes everything?

No matter what you say, they immediately filter it through unresolved pain and unhealed hurts from experiences they’ve had in their life story.

They don’t forget things said to them.

They are always building a case to support their perceptions.

They quickly assign wrong motives and negative interpretations to what is done and said to them.

They believe with all their heart things like, They don’t like me. They don’t think I’m smart, Etc.”

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My two cents: Oh my, I resemble these words, sounds like childhood PTSD talking loudly!

Do you have any of these traits, symptoms?

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When do we decide to stay or quit?

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/402861129176554161/

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In the online Kundalini group, we are working on the inner critic and the goal is to never take what others say personally.

I fail miserably, with my childhood abuse and betrayals, it seems impossible. While the group celebrates, depression takes hold, I can not behave like them, feel like them, or even fake it for a half hour.

Ten people in group celebrate the benefits of letting go criticism as if it were ordering a sandwich.

How can others do what has become next to impossible for us?

Maybe it is the smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala and compromised prefrontal cortex that makes us different, makes us incapable of being normal.

What others do seamlessly, my 🧠 brain can not accomplish.

My criticism is from a caregiver, a complete childhood and his criticism was constant and violent.

It changed my brain, I see it clearly when I join any group.

Joining a group reinforces how different my mind works, how different my thoughts and daily battles are.

I can not even fake joy for short periods.

Finally, at my age, I want the pain to just stop.

I am conflicted, do I stay in the Kundalini group?

Is it doing more good than damage?

How can we decide being inside our traumatized brains.

When we can not perform like all the others in a group, does that separate us more or what?

How do we navigate life, keep going no matter how much we suffer?

At the end of the day I have a decade of therapy, meditation and practice, it has helped tremendously but I still suffer.

I have always been an outcast soul, my father had more control in childhood with me isolated.

Can We change our basic nature?

I have changed some, the evil shit still lives on.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/611785930635528346/

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PTSD’s impact on my life at 70

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/81838918220096983/

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No sugarcoating, this is how my PTSD feels.

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I have no memory of having a direction, a purpose in life. My parents told me who and what I would be, a pro ball player, after that was done, I wandered without a rudder.

Dealing with PTSD symptoms, handling crisis, trying to survive, describes the rest of my life until now. Betrayal took my sense of safety, security, the ability to trust.

Someone chastised me for not having a bucket list yesterday, like I was void of human desires.

Is there happiness in any part of a bucket list? Definitely some joy maybe.

Fulfilling a bucket list will not change my PTSD, will it? Have not read about a therapy called bucket list yet.

I have no bucket list or desire to make one. With PTSD, traveling to some exotic destination dies a quick death, being at some crowded event, sports or otherwise, does not interest me.

Right now, I do not belong to any group, any church, any team. Childhood abuse and a college betrayal took safety out of my life, no group is worth the risk. This is sad I know.

Things were destroyed when I was younger, broken, people can not understand that. My thoughts are so much different that I feel an outcast.

Worry and doubt have always had a strong presence, feeling safe never happened in childhood, as an adult a hybrid of that emotion lives on. Not feeling safe is emotional now, connected to my trauma subconsciously.

PTSD’s manifests most in my lifestyle, I am a loner, avoid crowds and people most of the time. Trust is scarce, feeling free or happy go lucky has never happened.

Pictures of my mom, dad and siblings do not exist in my space, in my life. There are no good memories from childhood, no attachments then, no attachments now, to any of them.

It is hard to feel connection with caregivers who beat and criticized you abusively, then deny their behavior for the rest of their. life.

I would like to say my life is well adjusted with lots of community and connection.

My life has some calm joy.

It also is a life haunted by demons of abuse and betrayal at my core.

Sadness overwhelms my spirit somedays, I wish to be on another planet, in another body, with another mind, and another life.

Then, there are days I can distract myself and feel a little joy.

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PTSD: Birth is the ultimate lottery

https://www.si.com/nba/2016/10/27/classic-photos-kareem-abdul-jabbar#gid=ci02554da9c0002580&pid=2015

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Looking back after 70 years on this planet, life is harsh even for kids who had great support and love from their caregivers.

Watching a podcast of NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, he described his life as an oddity, sticking out being 6’8” at 12 years old. 7’2″ was his height as an adult, how do you blend in or hide, fit into a hotel bed, buy clothes, or fit in a car?

People always stare and treat you like an oddity. He says this kind of scrutiny drives you inside, into your own cocoon.

Life shrinks for people scrutinized as different or abused kids markedly different in behavior than normal kids.

Now, consider being seriously abused as a kid, criticized and beaten by a caregiver. Think we are not an abnormality, an oddity compared to normal kids.

We do not feel equal to others, we know we are flawed and compromised, dysfunctional and isolated.

I am not saying as an adult I believe any of this now, however it was my reality most of my life and dogma as a kid.

If birth is the ultimate lottery, we lost big time.

The impact of abusing a child, lasts a lifetime, I am an example of this. The ACE study documents the physical diseases and early death that childhood abuse causes.

I am not a victim but I have suffered trying to heal from childhood PTSD my entire life. That is a fact.

At 70, my brain is still trying to cope with a smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala and a compromised left prefrontal cortex, Childhood PTSD disrupts nearly everyday with unworthiness and failure.

I have friends who are happy go lucky, think everything will turn out alright. Their demeanor is relaxed and confident, life seems easy and happy for them.

To say I am envious and amazed is an understatement.

Are they from another planet, how can a brain feel safe and secure, being able to trust thoughts, and finally they trust others.

I have never had those feelings and never expect to feel that way, a little bit of wellbeing and peace of mind are my only goals now.

My life is navigating around my trauma minefield, searching for brief moments of joy while dodging trauma thoughts, anxiety and isolation.

Yes, I have felt haunted by childhood demons, this battle has never receded from my life.

Everyone has challenges, some much greater than others. Whoever makes those decisions is way above our pay grade.

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The Dance between PTSD and our Thoughts

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Taking a step back, perusing life around me, then exploring my mind, ideas percolate.

So much of well-being depends on our thoughts, abstract inventions filled with bias and emotion.

Expressed by wrote or speech, certain thoughts are damaging if we adopt them.

Remember 60,000 thoughts cross our consciousness daily.

Why do trauma thoughts dominate the 60,000, take up all the oxygen in the room?

Who do PTSD emotionally charged thoughts have so much power?

Why do some never go away, not present all the time but visit each new day.

Thoughts can shape our narrative, identity who we think we are, waste huge amounts of time pursuing that image.

Implicit memory (stored trauma) brings the scariest thoughts, lethal threat memories of abuse or trauma.

On the PTSD discussion boards, childhood abuse and rape were constant companions for so many.

Stuck in the violence of childhood like an invisible prison, suffering is the dish served over and over.

Recovery seemed impossible from my observation point.

For me, healing has taken power from these memories, granted me periods of well-being.

I realize some thoughts become weaponized with emotions, seeming enormously powerful, it is all hot air.

PTSD is a bully, know thine own trauma well.

Matthew Ricard describes thought as ephemeral, fleeting and hollow.

Our thoughts on self (self-worth) are extremely important.

These thoughts influence the Ego’s (identity) creation.

Our Ego has been severely compromised during childhood, we need to reparent and be aware of how the mind works.

Therapy and meditation have been my reparenting effort.

The mind is extremely complex but is programmed by simple repetitive actions.

For me that action was found in meditating, learning to focus intensely.

Calming my nervous system and being able to let negative thoughts go, remain my most powerful tools.

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My Top two skills for PTSD

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/38702878038245906/

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My focus skills have helped me the most, have always been there to access in low moments.

Meditation, the ability to focus on an object, the breath, mantra, etc. opens many doors.

My daily practice of sitting quietly, intensely focused on the tiniest body sensation or observing a trauma trigger thought from a safe distance, calms and soothes me.

Any therapy or skill is applied through meditations focus, it is a safe space to take risks.

My fight or flight mechanism calmed from firing by meditating everyday for hours.

In my mind, this is imperative and the first goal on the healing path.

I have been able to risk at times because of meditations power. Meditation allowed me to use exposure therapy in a safe place, over and over and over and over again, until I had enough courage to face triggers in real life.

Next I learned to separate from my Ego’s grasp, allowing me access to reality, my true self without bias or confusion.

To this day my wellbeing depends more on my ability to focus, then let go than any other skill in my tool box.

Aerobic exercise has always been beneficial in many ways.

It is a physical challenge where trauma thoughts die a fast death.

I flush the poisons from my system, gain achievement which is shared with my mind, deplete cortisol and adrenaline, then escape out of my head into my body.

Aerobic exercise is such a release for my body, meditation is a release for my mind.

If you are not using aerobic exercise, a great healing opportunity awaits those who can take action.

Start slow, focus and know you are actively healing.

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Lessons I have learned

https://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?rs=typed&q=ptsd%20healing

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After a long energetic effort with therapy and practice to heal, my life was still a damn mess.

In my old wisdom, if that is a real thing, learning to function in the midst of PTSD is the new gold on my healing path.

Listen, my childhood abuse, wiring of my brain in survival mode, is never going away.

My ability to function, discount the noise and take action is a part of my happiness in life, the oasis in this PTSD desert.

It is not about winning, it is how we fight, how much energy we exert, how much adversity can we respond to.

How resilient can we be along this path, how many times can we get back up.

This is not the road of an easy life, many succumb without much resistance.

My purpose is to live as freely as possible despite PTSD and inspire you to never give up.

We rarely take big risks.

We face adversity and the collapse of our boundaries.

Adversity is not a punishment, some think opportunity lies within adversity.

Adversity is ever present in our lives, attitude and effort are the tools needed to resist and continue living.

Effort has always been easy for me, attitude is difficult when unworthiness and depression try to consume me.

Another lesson I use is the knowledge that PTSD is cyclical, it explodes with cortisol and adrenaline, fills us with anxiety and fear, then recedes in time back to our normal.

Know the pattern of trauma firing up, staying a while then returning back to normal.

Some Wisdom: I have survived my worst flare ups already, with PTSD active and powered up, so my fear level has dropped.

PTSD can do nothing new to me that I have not already endured or survived.

So PTSD has thrown its biggest punches and I am still standing, so are you, maybe you have not realized the accomplishment yet.

Realize that therapy even once a week is only 4 hours a month, our time alone accounts for 720 hours. 720 hours versus 4 hours.

Where do you think healing will happen?

Mine happened on my own time, sometimes directed by my therapists input, most of the time while meditating using my tools.

Next, Find a mentor.

Books were my first mentor, books on neuroscience, PTSD therapies, war, meditation and holistic cures.

PTSD discussion boards were next, a negative place filled with victims acting out, taught me what not to do.

Lessons are hidden everywhere.

Now, I follow blogs that inspire me as part of my daily routine.

Please share one of your tools that has made a difference.

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My take on childhood abuse’s impact on the mind and body

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Childhood abuse results in a smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala and the quarterback (left prefrontal cortex) of our mind confused and ineffective.

Our minds wired around abuse, in survival mode, so the organs responsible for regulation and safety developed differently.

So memory, emotional regulation, safety and common sense have been compromised.

If we understand these shortcomings, we can grade our thoughts on this trauma curve.

Discount everything we feel and think around our PTSD. I do not believe my PTSD thoughts.

They are inaccurate, damaging and a distant memory.

That question of why we just can not let go, is answered in the damage to these three brain organs.

If we look at the Kaiser Adverse Childhood study, cancer, disease, addiction and early death come with childhood abuse, also.

It’s just not the mind, it is the body that suffers.

So let me rejoice at my advanced age to have survived and never given up.

Few will understand how we feel, now we know our brains have physical deficiencies.

This is not to use as an excuse but wisdom to live life as fully as possible in the face of our challenges.

There will be low times of hopelessness and depression, that’s why we never give up, never give in.

I have waited out serious bouts of PTSD with triggers firing, anxiety filling my body, and fear consuming me.

These spells will break, subside and life goes back to our normal.

I still hope, but hope only has a chance with daily work and courage to risk.

We journey together on this path not on competition.

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