PTSD – A Way Out.com A mindful way to heal

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I have turned down 100s of invites because my PTSD was active.

We create a plethora of excuses or tell a close friend the truth.

This is one of the reasons relationships are difficult, we have a second life no one understands.

Our friends do not have an avoidance symptom, in fact, they desire contact inside a group.

We part ways behaviorally with normal people in a drastic way around avoidance.

Remember avoidance is connected to all those intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts carry our perceived danger, our fear, and our heightened nervous system.

Avoidance has enjoyed many different intensities in the last decade.

For six months I was agoraphobic, unable to leave the house, hiding in my garage during the day, praying for dark and the end of another day.

No matter where I go, my subconscious evaluates its perceived danger, sort of a battle plan.

Always have an exit plan, a safe way to avoid danger.

Sometimes knowing I can escape settles me down.

I avoid being trapped in any situation.

It feels so real inside my head and body.

Cognitively I know all this crap is a mirage, unfortunately knowing heals little.

Healing is a path with many pitfalls.

The alternative is a hopeless, helpless existence full of suffering.

Our healing carves out what pleasure we earn on this journey.

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My father raised me to fear failure and demanded perfection, a regular narcissistic behavior.

He told me I needed to be twice as good as everyone else, it was not a suggestion.

It was hard to fit in, to make friends when I was tasked with destroying them.

He wanted me to be separate, and isolated to strengthen his influence.

I was a thing to my father, a tool to make him look good.

Lacking empathy, he enforced his doctrine with violence and criticism, the whole experience was abusive.

Most of my desires in life were connected to this pursuit. Failure would trigger me, fear of failure impacted my behavior and nervous system

I would do almost anything to not fail.

This was true at 10, at 25 and now at 70. It has survived untouched for six decades.

How?

The drive to be perfect, a success, dominated a frantic childhood, then followed me into baseball and adult life.

Survivors of serious abuse live a life without direction, it is a dysfunctional and confusing existence.

At 30 I felt like a failure after graduating college and playing 6 years of pro baseball.

The only explanation is Complex PTSD?

Normal kids acted differently than me when I entered school.
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