Posts Tagged ‘Ego’

30 Jun

PTSD emotions

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

chenspec / 9991 images


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When we are triggered or PTSD is active our emotions spike in intensity.

If you observe a small child, the slightest upset will be met with extreme emotions, tantrums even.

A small child lacks the skill to be slightly or moderately upset, it’s all or nothing.

So black and white, so literal, so like PTSD.

We feel imminent danger without actual danger anywhere near.

Triggered I have bolted from restaurants, groceries, sporting events, etc., and been laughed at later by friends. They see no danger and are clueless about PTSD.

I have worked with PTSD people who were triggered, their fight or flight mechanism firing.

Normal emotions are overpowered, and panic ensues if you react.

For me, being able to meditate intently, dissipates the drugs of the fight or flight mechanism.

Mindfulness/Meditation can calm our anxiety and increase emotional stability.

Without my daily healing actions, PTSD would be much more destructive.

We need to calm PTSD because depression is part of the PTSD comorbid universe.
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11 Jun

Distorted Time

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/vojta_kucer-7696229/


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Yesterday was a tough day.

PTSD feels like distress, time is distorted, and nerves are frayed.

It is not geographical, we can not run from it, it is attached to us.

PTSD overrides all other cognitive functions, life stops, it is called survival mode.

The war is inside my head.

This war occupies enormous amounts of time, the chance to be happy never gets enough time or energy.
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25 May

PTSD: stuck on the same Tune!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

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Rudid96 opines:

“It seems like I’ve been stuck on the same radio station for most of my life. The same tunes keep popping up, only the volume changes.”
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https://pixabay.com/users/jazella-1930366/

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My two cents: Childhood trauma is intertwined with our brain development.

It’s hidden in the crevices, I know, he sneaks out when he fancies.

PTSD is like a vine that wraps around a tree, damn near impossible to separate the two.

Do they merge in places, embed inside each other a certain depth?

From my viewpoint, separating PTSD and my brain are impossible.

I have only known abuse from my earliest memories, so my brain knows nothing but PTSDs presence.

At one time I tried to escape PTSD, hid in my garage, alone in the dark.

There was no escape, Childhood trauma followed me, a permanent companion.

It is my sirens song, the perceived danger, and unworthiness.

Does anyone share my emotions and symptoms?
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24 May

PTSD: hiding from the danger

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@theonlynoonan


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I have turned down 100s of invites because my PTSD was active.

We create a plethora of excuses or tell a close friend the truth.

This is one of the reasons relationships are difficult, we have a second life no one understands.

Our friends do not have an avoidance symptom, in fact, they desire contact inside a group.

We part ways behaviorally with normal people in a drastic way around avoidance.

Remember avoidance is connected to all those intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts carry our perceived danger, our fear, and our heightened nervous system.

Avoidance has enjoyed many different intensities in the last decade.

For six months I was agoraphobic, unable to leave the house, hiding in my garage during the day, praying for dark and the end of another day.

No matter where I go, my subconscious evaluates its perceived danger, sort of a battle plan.

Always have an exit plan, a safe way to avoid danger.

Sometimes knowing I can escape settles me down.

I avoid being trapped in any situation.

It feels so real inside my head and body.

Cognitively I know all this crap is a mirage, unfortunately knowing heals little.

Healing is a path with many pitfalls.

The alternative is a hopeless, helpless existence full of suffering.

Our healing carves out what pleasure we earn on this journey.

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17 May

Our Inner Condition

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .


Matthew Ricard from “Happiness”

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https://unsplash.com/@hesterqiang

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“We willingly spend a dozen years in school, then go on to college or professional training for several more; we work out at the gym to stay healthy;

we spend a lot of time enhancing our comfort, our wealth, and our social status.

We put a great deal into all this, and yet we do so little to improve the inner condition that determines the very quality of our lives.

What strange hesitancy, fear, or apathy stops us from looking within ourselves, from trying to grasp the true essence of joy and sadness, desire and hatred?”

Fear of the unknown prevails, and the courage to explore that inner world fails at the frontier of our mind.
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My two cents: What an ominous phrase, at the frontier of our mind. That means our mind is massive.

Talking with my grandson’s soccer and baseball coach, he said confidence, the attitude of the mind means everything even at 9.

Can we have a good attitude living with PTSD?

Our mental attitude means everything when dealing with PTSD.

What does your scoreboard look like, time of day with good versus bad attitude?

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10 May

PTSD: Avoidance

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@jakobowens1


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The question is not if we avoid, but how much.

I avoided the most when my fight or flight mechanism was firing 10 plus times a day.

My agoraphobia lasted six months, it left me scarred, afraid, and lost.

Meditation and exposure therapy helped me past agoraphobia.

It was a great victory however it was painful and I suffered.

Childhood abuse (Complex PTSD) wires the brain differently, mine searched for danger, then fired my fight or flight mechanism for protection.

Remember that shuts down some of the executive branch, our prefrontal cortex.

Triggered, we sense a near-lethal threat, the prefrontal cortex is confused and partially offline.

Our whole being shifts to surviving, we are scared to death.

Thinking is confused as cortisol and adrenaline flood our system.

Forget trying to explain this to others, you have to experience an out-of-control nervous system, the severity, and FEAR produced.

My PTSD and avoidance have matured.

Now, I navigate life a little better but do not even think about going to social functions, crowds, or certain events.

If I have to go to a function, I can block out and distract myself to limit the damage.

Normal people do not understand how much energy and pain we go through preparing to face our PTSD Triggers.

Then there are all the questions and exploration of the interaction afterward.

Our mind wants to judge, and prepare for the next time we venture into dangerous waters.

Childhood abuse brings a danger that never leaves our brain, it is like a big stain ruining the whole carpet.

How does avoidance impact your life?
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9 May

PTSD: Failure is Subjective

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/


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My father raised me to fear failure and demanded perfection, a regular narcissistic behavior.

He told me I needed to be twice as good as everyone else, it was not a suggestion.

It was hard to fit in, to make friends when I was tasked with destroying them.

He wanted me to be separate, and isolated to strengthen his influence.

I was a thing to my father, a tool to make him look good.

Lacking empathy, he enforced his doctrine with violence and criticism, the whole experience was abusive.

Most of my desires in life were connected to this pursuit. Failure would trigger me, fear of failure impacted my behavior and nervous system

I would do almost anything to not fail.

This was true at 10, at 25 and now at 70. It has survived untouched for six decades.

How?

The drive to be perfect, a success, dominated a frantic childhood, then followed me into baseball and adult life.

Survivors of serious abuse live a life without direction, it is a dysfunctional and confusing existence.

At 30 I felt like a failure after graduating college and playing 6 years of pro baseball.

The only explanation is Complex PTSD?

Normal kids acted differently than me when I entered school.
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2 May

“Buddhas Brain”: the Self

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

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“Thoughts, feelings, images, and so on exist as patterns of information represented by patterns of neural structure and activity.

In the same way, the various aspects of the apparent self—and the intimate and powerful experience of being a self—exist as patterns in the mind and brain.

The question is not whether those patterns exist.

The key questions are: What is their nature? And does that which those patterns seem to stand for—an “I” who is the unified, ongoing owner of experiences and agent of actions—truly exist?

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https://unsplash.com/@boudewijn_huysmans

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Or is self like a unicorn, a mythical being whose representations exist but who is actually.”
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My two cents: Follow any thought, the concept of “I” back to its source and you will find a mirage.

We create “I” from our childhood, what we think of ourselves combined with how the world treats us, then we roll it all together and call it “Marty” or “I”.

“I” is a creation, a magical being we invent for identity.
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28 Apr

Swimming Upstream

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/ronile-126846/


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For abused kids, PTSD happens way before we have any understanding of trauma.

For me, PTSD came into my consciousness around 55 after a family crisis.

Many subconscious symptoms had become habits, under the radar during those 50 years.

I always avoided, isolated without knowing the reason.

We call ourselves homebodies, a pleasant way of saying, loners.

My circle of friends was small, trust was always an issue in my life.

As I peruse my life at 70, this is the landscape.

I can change some things and strive to improve what is possible.

Even if we have to swim upstream, we have to swim or suffer.

We just do not get as far as regular humans.

I never expect to be normal, my expectations are grounded and doable.

We all can improve, that is our daily challenge.

This is our daily battle of doing the work, the road less traveled.

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https://pixabay.com/users/jplenio-7645255/

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It is easy to give up, to numb ourselves, to act like a victim.

Being scared, vulnerable but still taking action is our goal.

PTSD is a very personal disorder, our sanity is at stake.
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19 Apr

PTSD: Are we the walking wounded?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .


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We do not want to be part of the walking wounded, we yearn to be normal, to fit in, to feel safe and accepted.

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https://unsplash.com/@tomjur

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We loathe how we feel about ourselves, unworthy, flawed, outcasts!

All the hard work to improve and act normal still finds us more isolated and buried in traumatic thoughts.

After a decade of intense healing, PTSD still haunts my being.

PTSD has changed over the years, gone is the fight or flight mechanism firing, gone is the intense fear, replaced by thoughts, hate, resentment, and depression.

Where others see attachments as beneficial, I see the chance for betrayal, this perceived danger is powerful inside my brain.

All therapeutic endeavors and meditation have helped me improve, healing is impossible in my opinion.

Show me serious childhood abuse being healed completely. Show me a happy, free-flowing life after serious childhood abuse. Show me more than a few isolated successes.

How do you heal completely? I see a sea of suffering and pain instead.

It is a fear that revs up my nervous system and makes suffering a part of every thought, life is worse than miserable.

PTSD people will understand the last sentence, and normal people will have no clue what I meant.

I guess our dreams were shattered in childhood, and our ability to trust pretty much destroyed.

I fear certain things more than death, always have.

Of course, I envision a peaceful death, not being burnt alive or tortured.

Do you have these thoughts, my normal friends never do.

What is the craziest thing a friend has commented on your PTSD behavior?

Do you feel broken?

I walk zombie-like around people, feeling vulnerable, exposed, fearful, and anxious.

Is that PTSD or just my personality after childhood?


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