Posts Tagged ‘Ego’

17 Mar

Be a Thought Detective

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/graphicmama-team-2641041/

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Can you follow your awareness back to its origin? How big is your awareness?

Can you visualize yourself sitting on a couch watching TV? Can you add a rerun of yourself from last week as the show playing?

Observing the thinker, with practice you can see you sitting on the couch.

Can you watch your mind, be aware of your thoughts. Who is the person that is aware of those thoughts? Not the thinker, we are observing him/her over there.

There is a separation between me and the thinker, we are not the same.

Is that guy in the rerun real? Some people on that television have been dead for decades. Does that TV bring them back to life?

Bringing awareness to our thoughts, uncovers the raging river, rapidly flowing through our consciousness.

60,000 thoughts everyday, one every waking second, how and why do we choose the scary ones, the negative ones, or the ones that are unworthy over the happy, kind ones?

We only choose a small percentage each day.

Experienced monks have trained their minds to let all those thoughts pass on by.

Emotions rarely uncenter them. They exist with their minds living in the current moment, void of random thought. For the most part they direct thinking when they need to, otherwise they are in observer mode.

Thoughts and emotions are partners, they choose which emotions stay and which ones go by by. Without random thoughts to latch onto, negative emotions learn to stay dormant.

Think what that must feel like for us.

Awareness uses all our senses plus intuition in one dimension, then past awareness of danger is prioritized.

Be a detective, awareness is your vehicle.

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16 Mar

Dissociation again

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

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“The Body Keeps the Score”:

The overwhelming experience is split off and fragmented, so that the emotions, sounds, images, thoughts, and physical sensations related to the trauma take on a life of their own.

The sensory fragments of memory intrude into the present, where they are literally relived.

As long as the trauma is not resolved, the stress hormones that the body secretes to protect itself keep circulating, and the defensive movements and emotional responses keep getting replayed.

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My two cents: Dissociation is the king of all PTSD symptoms, it is where trauma fuels itself and takes over large pieces of time.

Conversely, PTSD has a difficult time functioning in this present moment, when we are focused.

It is simple, not easy, in fact our biggest challenge Childhood abuse brings to our doorstep.

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16 Mar

Happiness versus Emotions

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

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“Authentic happiness is not linked to an activity; it is a state of being, a profound emotional balance struck by a subtle understanding of how the mind functions.

While ordinary pleasures are produced by contact with pleasant objects and end when that contact is broken, sukha (happiness) —lasting well-being—is felt so long as we remain in harmony with our inner nature.”

Matthew Ricard in his book “Happiness”

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My two cents: When I am thinking about my past or projecting into the future, happiness is always absent.

Happiness versus emotions. Happiness lives inside us.

Happiness is much more solid, much longer lasting, and contains contentment while emotions are ephemeral, transparent and fleeting.

Our Ego loves using emotions to be upset, outraged at others.

Do you feel more righteous when strong emotions are added to a judgment? I know when I am angry, common sense stops and I am capable of things not even imagined when calm.

Wellbeing or happiness is much different than an emotion, like momentary joy or achievement.

Hell, I have had ten different emotions while writing this post.

Which one is me?

We all have the same amount of emotions, so emotions do not make us unique.

I have had periods where my need for approval wanes, life becomes easier as PTSD retreats.

Emotions can last as little as five seconds when not grasped.

Emotions are fine, bathe in the positive ones and let the negative ones die a death of starvation.

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14 Mar

Bad days look like this now

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety/ptsd

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How do we describe something no one else can feel or see? It is PTSD of course.

Yesterday my nervous system ramped up enough to make me uncomfortable.

I felt something bad was going to happen, it is a theme that has played since my earliest childhood memories.

It is subconscious and insidious. Certain feeling predate my brain developing, so it feels ghostly to me.

Life became guarded, like someone with a gun was going to ambush me. Abstract and unknown.

PTSD does not explode with triggers anymore, it manifests like this now.

Unworthiness and shame have replaced triggers firing violently. It is a vast improvement but PTSD survives.

Damn, I have worked hard and long to kill all my trauma but some always survives.

I play defense until it breaks.

It is a day of letting go and distracting myself with chores, tasks, meditating and exercise.

It is a time to let thoughts about depression and unworthiness flow on through.

It is a time when PTSD steals my opportunity to feel normal, happy.

It unplugs all my healing as PTSD raises its ugly head again in my life.

I have to control my anger at my abusers and betrayers.

PTSD has become much more stealthy and subtle, not the triggers exploding mess it once was.

People without childhood abuse have no idea, no clue what life is like for us.

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12 Mar

Healing takes massive change in our behavior

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://markmanson.net/

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I have made massive changes in my life to improve from childhood abuse.

Thoughts are treated like air, useless for the most part.

Those 60,000 thoughts that arrive daily, I try to allow all to flow on through.

Emotions are ephemeral, transparent and fleeting now.

Thoughts and emotions along with anxiety ruled my world for many years, that has changed.

My awareness is a main actor on life’s stage, finally.

Do no harm starts with the guy looking back at me in the mirror. No derogatory self talk or unworthiness is tolerated.

My nervous system has become my friend, an enormous change.

I am much kinder to myself, more accepting, more loving.

My gratitude grows as I battle.

I am not afraid of traum anymore.

It is still there and takes a toll from time to time.

Guilt and worry haunted me.

They have lost great power but survive.

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11 Mar

This is how a narcissistic parent operates.

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/pixel2013-2364555/

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Understanding our weaknesses is the first step in filling the gaps.

Realize we were like an it, a thing, an inanimate object to our narcissistic abuser.

Narcissist empathy centers are not functioning correctly.

My dad was incapable of seeing me as a person needing support or love.

Why should I be pissed at that. Brain damage or mental illness is just that.

Expecting him to repair his empathy center is beyond foolish.

Right now, it does not matter, what he felt or thought.

Healing is the responsibility of the guy who looks back at me in the bathroom mirror.

If I believe I am at the center of my happiness, this moment is the most important moment in life, then we move onto the next moment, free of any baggage.

I have carried my trauma baggage long enough.

Healing also happens in this present moment.

I can not go back in the past and alter my abuse or go into the future looking for happiness.

All we have is this mundane moment, that’s it.

Nothing I accomplish in the future can bring happiness or fix my abuse.

If we can not find a way to be happy right now, we will never be happy.

Happiness lives in one time zone, now.

This is our invisible war, no one else knows or sees happening.

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6 Mar

Believe what your actions tell you, not your thought. . .

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Pinterest: YourTango

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Every part of us does not have PTSD. I have found areas inside me that are not traumatized.

We all have what spiritual shamans call true self, soul.

It’s the part of us that has been the same since birth.

Thought can not sense it, or feel it. Trauma can never reach it, only we can access it .

Intuition is how I have bumped into it by mistake and then on purpose.

Below cognition, under the Ego exists another world without PTSD.

We can visit, recharge and use this focus to heal a little each day. This soothing space is available to all of us.

Surely I desire that my visits (Meditations) produce total healing, and quickly.

It does not work that way. It works slowly.

Without it I would be dead of a heart attack from triggers firing 15 times a day.

Meditation helped me stop my fight or flight mechanism from firing.

My nervous system cruises at a higher pace than normal people, however it does not erupt anymore.

Most people on this earth have not experienced their fight or flight mechanism firing off like death was an arms length away 15 times a day.

I was a basket case for months. Survival seemed bleak if I did not shut this mechanism down.

That did not happen overnight.

Many hours with no return or hope is what every sunrise brought.

You have to believe improvement is somewhere in the near future.

With all my soul, I believe that.

I have experience of healing where this has been true over and over again.

Believe what your actions tell you, not your thought.

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26 Feb

Childhood abuse: Formation of our Ego

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Dr. Anne Brown

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Our Ego should be carefully created like a resume. A lively rejoice of our great qualities.

Wow, I wish with all my heart.

Resumes do not have any negative words, admission of loss or highlighted weaknesses.

Abused kids create an Ego that is flawed, it has elements of unworthiness, as it creates not only a damaged Ego but a dangerous world.

Our created Ego has never known a time without abuse, he/she never has experienced what normal people think or feel.

Attachments are dysfunctional and abusive in our childhoods.

My low was not thinking I had a right to be alive. True story.

It is insidious as a disease the way it impacts our mind and heart.

I have worked many hours recreating a normal Ego, but stress or crisis brings PTSD and the old Ego thrives.

Our self image was distorted by abuse and criticism, we never felt good enough, this feeling seems to be there from birth for us.

It is haunting not to have a memory where we felt ok, normal, deserving.

Creating a new Ego, working feverishly to heal, has only garnered short periods of freedom from my abused Ego.

He feels so hard wired, I have no remembrance of feeling ok, ever.

How are we supposed to feel? What do kids not abused feel like?

My abuse plays everyday, on its own, it brings not good enough trauma, it brings shame.

Every day I try to distract my mind, try to let the shame go, try to stay present.

I am exhausted and worn down from the constant onslaught of intrusive thoughts.

My mind is attacking my sanity.

It does not care that it harms the host.

That is childhood abuse matured into adult Complex PTSD.

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25 Feb

You, but better: Scientists designing method to remove fear, boost confidence via brain stimulation by John Anderer

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Pinterest: Zachary Phillips

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Feb 24, 2021

SEIKA, Japan — If modern science conceived of a way to “pluck” unwanted fears, thoughts, and preferences from your mind, is that that something you would be interested in? It sounds impossible, but a new study on non-conscious brain stimulation may just make it a reality.

Via a combination of artificial intelligence and brain scanning technology, scientists in Japan say they’ve discovered avenues to remove specific fears, boost confidence, and even alter individual preferences.

They believe that in the future these techniques may lead to new treatments for patients dealing with issues like PTSD or generalized anxiety disorder.

All of this is incredibly promising, but researchers admit they haven’t perfected their approach just yet. While the treatment they developed has proven effective with many, some individuals haven’t seen the same benefits.

Crowdsourcing research on the brain?

Continue reading →

25 Feb

PTSD uses thought and emotion to gain control

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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PTSD uses certain emotions to gain control, yes it’s part of the Thinker, our Ego.

Our Ego wants total control, even in a person with no history of abuse. We are easy targets when the Ego has PTSD as a weapon or when PTSD has the Ego to dominate. Pick your poison.

PTSD brings guilt to our core. Why should we ever feel guilty for being abused, yes it’s all irrational.

PTSD distorts time, memory and our sanity.

Fear of the unknown, what’s going to happen, when is the next tragedy for us, reverberates within traumas thoughts. We are always on guard, danger is close, we sense.

Trauma, PTSD, has created an alternate world that has no safety or wellbeing for us. We live in a world influenced by things out of our consciousness, PTSD.

We can get trapped inside our thoughts and feelings without realizing it. No one is going to understand.

That’s the other sad part about childhood abuse, none of your friends or enemies will ever know the hell we endure. They will feel helpless not being able to stop our suffering.

Then, there is the fear, the doom, the knowing that things have never turned out ok for us.

Our memories are like Swiss cheese. A child without abuse has a vivid memory of childhood.

We have spotty, violent nightmares, emotionally devastating snippets of abuse called memory.

Good memories are not accessible for me, my memories are of abusé, loss and betrayal. If I have good memories, I am not aware of them.

That’s sad, as I read it.

So looking back has nothing but suffering for me and probably you.

We carry all the fear and ways to escape our abuser into adulthood subconsciously.

Anyone who slightly resembles my fathers behavior, jolts my nervous system.

What do you carry with you?

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