Posts Tagged ‘Ego’

9 Jun

A rerun: 5 Ways Anger is Not Like Other Emotions By Jonice Webb

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/21462535715145928/

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Anger is not just any old emotion. It’s special.

In fact, it’s so special that a 2017 survey by the Mental Health Foundation of 2000 people found that 28% are sometimes worried about the level of anger that they feel.

First, let’s outline what makes anger different from other emotions, and then we’ll talk about how you can use this information to become happier and healthier in your life.

* It’s Motivating: Anger’s purpose is to push you to protect yourself. Anger gives you energy. It’s activating, and it drives you to engage, not withdraw, as most other emotions do.

* It Never Stands Alone: Anger is always a result of feeling something else. You feel hurt, marginalized, overlooked, targeted, mistreated or vulnerable. Anger isn’t just an emotion, it’s a constellation of emotions. There are always layers of feelings underneath it, feeding it.

* It Seeks a Target: Other emotions can simply be. Anger cannot. Like an arrow shot from the bow, it looks for a target. This is what makes anger so easy to misdirect. It may erupt at the wrong person, in the wrong way and at the wrong time so very easily.

* It Can Be Turned Inward or Outward: Sometimes directing our anger at its true target can be acutely uncomfortable, and sometimes we aren’t aware of the true target. This is when we are at risk for turning our anger inward, directing it at ourselves.

* It’s Capable of Damaging Your Health: Research has shown that anger prone individuals and people who express their anger as rage are more at risk for heart attacks and cancer.

Anger is a powerful, protective, complex emotion.

Yes, it has potential to do great damage.

But used properly, it also has potential to help you mightily.“

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My two cents: My PTSD emotions have changed while trying to heal.

At first fear and anxiety ruled my life, erupting triggers overpowered any cognitive defense.

Anger was rarely used until I calmed my triggers exploding, not until the fear subsided did my resentment and anger surface.

When I am suffering, resentment and anger want a prominent place in my thoughts.

It is the daily ongoing battle of PTSD , the war that I have been waging since childhood.

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1 Jun

PTSD is in Flux: Yeah?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/32369691061507877/

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A couple of things happened recently, an on-line session with my therapist and my kundalini teacher exposing me to ideas outside the my narrative.

I always thought my childhood was a curse, Jennifer offered the idea that having my father may of saved my life.

Now that concept was way out of the box. Never had I envisioned my childhood being a positive.

Then I saw my trauma, trying to heal trauma, clouded my whole existence.

Working on integrating my childhood, my triggers, my PTSD, neglected my inner child, my self worth and my functioning in the world right now.

Childhood PTSD is extremely complex, we get lost in that abuse forest at times.

PTSD is irrational, illogical, confusing and frightening.

We need to continually assess our path and focus.

My days are spent working on this moment, not past trauma anymore.

The change in itself feels like a breath of fresh air.

My intrusive thoughts have calmed.

I have always faced my challenges with resistance, force, not responding with strength would show weakness.

That’s my Unworthiness manifesting in blind action.

Finally I see a space, an opportunity to change.

Inner work is finally paying off.

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1 Jun

Zen Things also trauma healing things

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/477874210435372390/

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Live simply, focus and make awareness a strong habit.

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https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/154037249732823989/

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Both posters are about living in the moment, letting the past go and making the mundane important.

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https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/293648838193682323/

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Nature knows the way.

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31 May

I always thought my inner child was the weakest most damaged part of me

Posted by Marty in My Favorites. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/4574037110564549/

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Childhood trauma has this extra dimension, an inner child who had to navigate abuse while the brain was not developed. We can integrate all the trauma we experienced and still our hardwiring is unchanged.

I saw my abused inner child, as vulnerable and weak, the origin of all the PTSD. My thought was it needed fixing, repaired, made over.

Shifting my focus away from trauma and triggers into functioning in this moment, has brought a massive change in how I see my inner child.

Without knowing it, in a response I wrote to the last post, my inner child became the strongest, bravest part of me.

My inner child had the fewest tools, was the most vulnerable part of my life but he survived the greatest abuse, childhood.

Instead of a meek coward, he navigated his way into adulthood with great strength. As an adult I see he survived where mature Marty would of failed.

Is this thinking outside the box or just Awareness being a reward for my inner exploration?

That inner child had strengths others did not have. He could endure intense pain and still take action.

My inner child developed incredible willpower and never gave up in the face of hardship.

What a paradigm shift from victim to my leading freedom fighter.

Now my challenge is to soothe that inner child in current situations, reparent in a way.

Again, this approach is trying to not handle my trauma, it is about functioning now, in this situation, this moment.

I have danced around the inner child numerous times and have written posts in the past, but something was different this time.

I never thought my inner child was the bravest part of my life.

My perceived weakness might be my biggest strength in reality.

How about you?

Your inner child helped you survive also.

He/She maybe your ultimate strength, not the damaged mess we perceive.

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28 May

Changing focus

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/505529126901549155/

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Working on trauma, worrying about PTSD symptoms, has become counter productive.

I have integrated most of my core abuse over a decade of therapy.

My issues are related to the development of my brain. The fear from childhood imprinted on my defense mechanism.

I realize that my mind spots danger at a prolific rate, my challenge is to calm my reaction.

Two different reactions surface, a freeze response or aggression.

Look how black and white my response, I am hardwired to spot danger in mundane situations, then react.

Guilt, shame and unworthiness are part of the dysfunctional thoughts that come with my reaction.

When avoiding fear runs subconsciously like this, life narrows and taking risks becomes harder.

The other dysfunctional trait finds my mind getting totally consumed with negative thoughts.

This fear has given my PTSD great power.

Now with this awareness, I have found what needs repaired.

Please share your journey with childhood abuse.

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23 May

PTSD: life is out of balance

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/628744797980522203/

Maybe we should buy this pin for $3.99 to wear. Just kidding.

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Feedback: My daughter has a wider picture than most, she wonders where the overachiever, the guy with drive, passion and purpose went. Her frustration boils over, PTSD robs many lives. This brings a sorrow I do not know how to fix.

PTSD and trying to heal from PTSD has consumed a decade. For the first five years I spent eight to ten hours a day trying to heal, meditating, reading and applying therapy.

It’s time spent dealing with past trauma, in a way it’s own dissociative trap. We become self centered, not like a narcissist looking for adulation, but a person looking for relief.

I focused intently, maybe even maniacally on healing.

The rest of life was put on hold when PTSD exploded, childhood trauma took my life over, revved my nervous system to high alert, and fear did the rest.

At my worst, life was not worth living. Improvement was necessary to Function first, then survive.

I improved and integrated trauma with regularity, the problem, there was always more behind it.

For someone with a whole childhood of abuse, where is the balance in this?

Trying to heal keeps me engaged with my past trauma.

If I refrain from trying to heal, PTSD does not go away but gets worse.

That’s lose lose.

I can not imagine what my behavior looks like to family and friends.

My complex PTSD has totally consumed my life for a decade now.

Where is the path for me, the balance in life I dearly miss?

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21 May

The mind switches gears

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

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How do you change a child’s mind that scoured every situation searching for danger, a chance of failure, possibly being humiliated or the annihilation of the “Ego”.

The original abuse caused this reaction: it’s called adrenal stress response, fight or flight mechanism or pure fear.

The mind switches gears, secretes opioids, coagulants, cortisol, and adrenaline. The executive functioning left prefrontal cortex fades, we experience tunnel vision, lose fine motor skills, along with the fear of death or serious injury, making this an anxious, confusing experience.

This is Survival mode.

This is how we react to the original abuse. Then PTSD brings emotional danger via our triggers to mirror the original traumatic experience. It’s abstract and irrational but we avoid and run like hell at first.

All this happens before thought, it is a right brain mechanism, that springs from the amygdala, our defense organ of the brain.

If someone placed an empty box over our head, then suddenly removed it, a funny thing happens.

Our right amygdala engages immediately, our defense mechanism overrides the normal function of the mind. It takes five seconds for the left hemisphere, our cognitive side to engage.

That’s five seconds of my mind searching for danger before I am even aware of it. That’s if I react immediately.

I am much better at this now, but it remains a problem area for me.

This is a balancing act for us when PTSD is active. I have a small social life but avoid crowds and situations that are sensitive to my triggers.

I went through the early phase of healing where I went to every scary place. It started out as Exposure Therapy, then developed into integration.

As a kid I was an expert at sensing danger, then added 50 more years of practice, the result is a habit that seems natural and useful.

Man, look what just came out of my mouth. Natural and useful.

I have my doubts if therapy can rewire serious childhood abuse.

Improvement is possible, a wide range, rewarding, total healing, I would love to read and witness that feat.

This is our journey, knowing what we face has helped me improve.

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18 May

I was a thing to my Narcissist dad

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/2111131067243853/

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I often wonder why my PTSD has been so destructive.

My dad exerted so much energy, a 24/7 constant obsession of grooming me for baseball stardom. I was more of an it to him, a thing, not a separate life, not an autonomous person with desires and needs.

That’s how a narcissist owns things, uses things (people) for their pleasure. Their empathy centers do not work correctly.

Whether at school, home or on a field of competition, he controlled my every move, reviewed every play of every game and performance at school, then punished any actions that deviated from his master plan.

I guess it was to replace his lost childhood from early pregnancy at 16 and subsequent end of his high school career.

He wanted to control every part of my life, even micromanage my thoughts. He stole my childhood, my life for his own sick narcissistic pleasure.

There was no opportunity for me to be me, in fact being me would get beat for insolence.

There was no deviation in what he decided I would be, just an emphasis on being much better than everyone else.

It was lonely, isolating and highly abusive.

Instead of me forming my ego, he told me what my ego should look like and act like.

I see why I am so messed up, always searching for the real me.

We do not pick our parents, so this is my challenge, I can accept it and take action or be a victim.

I fight on.

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https://www.pinterest.com/pin/267190190381444390/

18 May

Inner drugstore and negative excitement drugs

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/211174968221902/

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From Adult Children of Alcoholics: Inner Drug Store:

“For every emotion we feel, a corresponding biochemical substance is automatically released in our bodies. Think about how the felt sense of anger is different from the felt sense of calm or amusement. Especially for those of us who have trouble connecting with our bodies or our emotions, these chemical changes may happen below our level of awareness. But they still happen.

The inner drug store is not all bad. There are bottles of joy, peacefulness, and spirituality to name a few. But we Adult Children often gravitate toward the drugs of negative excitement.

Growing up in dysfunctional households, our everyday state can become one of hypervigilance. Am I safe? What mood is Mom in? We walk on eggshells trying to be invisible. Dad’s car just pulled in the driveway, is he drunk? We scan the house for things that might anger him and quickly try to neutralize them.

Or perhaps we were ignored or emotionally abandoned by our parents, creating anxiety and the general feeling of being alone and unsafe. Our normal can become anxiety and fear. And since it is perhaps all we have ever known, and since we may already have learned to shut down access to our feelings and our bodies, we may not even be aware of our anxiety.

Hypervigilance creates a stress response in the body, it even releases dopamine in our brains. As children, our small bodies are marinated in those chemicals. Even if we have never taken a drink of alcohol nor any drugs, we are all addicts. We, as Adult Children, learn to be addicted to our own inner drug stores. We can subconsciously seek out situations which recreate these feelings.

Emotional Intoxication is getting high on our inner drug store.

The more I understand it, the less it controls me. – (Jarvis)

“Subconsciously” is an important concept here. Generally, we don’t consciously choose to take these actions. It may be like breathing. Our minds are in control of that process, but normally we aren’t consciously aware of taking each breath. If we were we might have trouble thinking about anything else.

The subconscious mind takes over certain processes. I think maintaining our “normal” level of emotional intoxication or sobriety may be one of those. If we were raised in a dysfunctional home, our normal can be anxiety and fear. And we seek to re-create what is normal for each of us.”

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My two cents: This seems to be part of childhood abuse (trauma), our future C-PTSD.

So besides our abuse we have a subconscious addiction to negative excitement drugs.

PTSD intrusive thoughts must cause more of these negative excitement drugs to secrete when triggered.

Couple this with our fight or flight mechanism drugs and we have an anxious PTSD zombie.

Lots of things to unplug on our way to well being.

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17 May

Images we create in childhood

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/207165651599402179/

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From the book “Mastery of Love”

We are afraid to be punished, but later we are also afraid of not getting the reward, of not being good enough for Mom or Dad, sibling or teacher.

The need to be accepted is born.

Before that, we don’t care whether we are accepted or not. People’s opinions are not important. They are not important because we just want to play and we live in the present.

The fear of not getting the reward becomes the fear of rejection. The fear of not being good enough for someone else is what makes us try to change, what makes us create an image.

Then we try to project that image according to what they want us to be, just to be accepted, just to have the reward.

We learn to pretend to be what we are not, and we practice trying to be someone else, just to be good enough for Mom, for Dad, for the teacher, for our religion, for whatever.

We practice and practice, and we master how to be what we are not. Soon we forget who we really are, and we start to live our images.

We create not just one image, but many different images according to the different groups of people we associate with.

We create an image at home, an image at school, and when we grow up we create even more images.

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