Posts Tagged ‘Ego’

A PTSD Ego

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As my Ego formed in childhood, strong feelings of helplessness and weakness dominated my brain.

Childhood was a violent prison for some of us.

As that small child endured constant criticism and violence, his self-image was damaged.

It happens when a caregiver threatens your safety.

Old trauma, childhood trauma is confusing and out of sequence, highly charged, and extremely powerful inside our brain.

As my body deteriorates with age, I am starting to feel vulnerable and weak again.

PTSD wreaks havoc on me at 70.

There is a void inside me, we are hollow in certain areas.

It always involves trust.

So much worry, so many doubts. This is the internal dialogue that runs inside our heads.

We have a hard time trusting ourselves.

Trusting others is difficult when we do not trust ourselves.
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PTSD and the Ego

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My mind or part of it seems like a separate entity, I call it PTSD.

This traumatic part is connected to my Ego, he is a world-class judgmental star.

He/She compares the present with the traumas of the past, it’s called dissociation, the kingpin of PTSD symptoms.

Time spent ruminating, dissociating into the past fuels our symptoms, and powers PTSD.

The longer the duration, the stronger PTSD becomes.

This PTSD mind melts into our Ego or vice versa.

My Ego was created under traumatic abuse, so he identifies as a PTSD Ego.

My daughter tells me I identify as a PTSD person or sufferer.

Well, I sure do not identify as anywhere close to normal.

When I meditate at times, my Ego drops away along with all my PTSD symptoms.

This is the freest feeling I experience.

The sirens of trauma take a momentary break.

I have worked diligently on shrinking my ego, lessening his impact.

Without the Ego dominating life, our hearts can begin to open for short periods.

It takes great awareness to realize how PTSD functions inside our brains.

Have you ever followed the concept of I or me to its origin?

Who am I is a trick question.

I is a mirage, a created identity moniker.
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PTSD: Blatant facts:

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Blatant facts: PTSD thoughts hide at an extremely shallow depth.

Piercing the surface is child’s play for them.

What a visual!!!!!!!

In my daily world, these thoughts haunt me, I want answers, accountability, responsibility, and justice.

None of that shit is ever going to happen.

There are few answers, and thousands of questions, we will never know or understand.

My PTSD self is elusive, he benignly senses danger.

It is hard to know what is real, and what is perceived, especially when you agitate my PTSD emotions or triggers.

I have reacted to perceived triggers over and over and over with no solution in sight.

Triggers can be unplugged, calmed, or handled, but not eliminated or controlled.

They happen outside our control, external and internal forces collide.

This has been a violent, drama-filled life.

Fear of failure should be on my gravestone.

That is hard to write.

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Spending time in my ROOM

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This blog chronicles my decade-plus battle with PTSD.

Over 6,000 posts, plenty of educational expertise, sound advice, and an optimistic outlook for therapies and meditation.

I have read, researched, actively tried to heal through therapy, application, and meditation.

I could be a huge success story, working above and beyond, but I avoid people for safety.

I can not change reality.

In reality, I only venture out for my grandkids and necessities, hiking, food etc.

That means I live my life mainly in my room by myself.

I can not explain all my reasons, but I end up not going out.

After all the effort, all the therapy, all the courage in facing my demons, I do not socialize.

I avoid most people.

I have no desire to risk betrayal, trust died many years ago.

How do you climb out of this hole?
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PTSD versus strength of purpose

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Life had enormous obligations and responsibilities as a kid.

I was tasked with being a great professional baseball player by age 7.

This was my father’s mandate, backed by violence and criticism.

Outstanding performances granted me a slight reprieve, perfection was demanded as criticism was his vehicle of motivation or punishment.

Life was overwhelming, anxiety and fear dominated.

My Ego was created in this dangerous and anxious-filled childhood.

My mind still reacts to life in survivor mode first, my default setting.

My first response to perceived danger is to recoil(flight) or attack(fight).

Loss and failure are always in the equation of any public encounter.

It is how my brain is wired from my earliest recollections.

I weigh the negative possibilities every time I leave the house.

I am on guard, defensive, and motivated to get in and get back home.

I can navigate and neutralize these feelings at times.

My purpose must be greater than the perceived risk.

Crowds and certain social situations are completely avoided.

A normal person would die of boredom, he/she does not have my childhood scars.
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“You mean I am not bound by my thoughts and their related feelings in any way?

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From The Deep Heart:

“We are ultimately undefinable and thus totally free from everything.

This is one of the premier insights of traditional nondual teachings.

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“You mean I am not bound by my thoughts and their related feelings in any way?

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Who I really am is pure awareness or consciousness?”

We are invited by these teachings to wake up out of our mis-taken identity and simply be as we are, undefined and unconfined by any story or image.

Can you sense the liberating power of this realization?“

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“Let it in” ………….from the Deep Heart

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When we open ourselves to heart wisdom, we open our conditioned body-mind to the light of awareness.

When this happens, it often feels as if separate and driven compartments within our body are being touched by warmth and light.

As we open to a deeper truth, we can often feel an interior softening and melting—the inner armor is softening; the inner ice melting.

The individual body-mind—-what we ordinarily take to be our self—has been under the effect of powerful conditioning for many years.

This conditioning leaves its imprint on the way we consciously and subconsciously think, feel, sense, and act.

We have been innocently dividing, freezing, numbing, armoring, coiling, ignoring and attacking ourselves from an early age, and this divisive and self-protective process has tremendous momentum.

It takes time for it to undo itself.

The stronger the conditioning, both in terms of intensity and duration, the longer this unwinding process takes.

While this conditioning can substantially diminish, I doubt if it ever ends.
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When PTSD waits 50 years to surface

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PTSD lay dormant until my mid 50’s, then exploded one night.

As documented, many soldiers do not get PTSD until later in life, usually after a crisis.

Then the past explodes, life changes and they now have a meticulous memory of the horrors they witnessed.

My trauma exploded with a family crisis, my father, long dead was inches away from my face, and PTSD had arrived.

Then last year a shameful betrayal surfaced.

Those of us who experience PTSD later in life, fight a different battle.

We experience our trauma through the eyes of a mature adult.

I did not possess the knowledge or skills to seek support or therapy as a 20-year-old.

I experience it now as a 70-year-old.

I do not have the comfort of crazy college exuberance, drunkenness, and lack of maturity to explain it.

I can not believe another human being could betray me so publicly, so shamefully.

So many questions haunt me now.

Questions that will never be answered.

This is what trauma is like when it waits 50 years to explode.
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Egoic level from The Deep Heart

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“Finally, the egoic level involves so-called self-consciousness.

We actually feel self-conscious when we are concerned about what others think and feel about us.

“Do you think I am ok or doing it right?”

When we are consumed by this doubt, we feel anxious and awkward.

Self-consciousness is rooted in our social consciousness by how much our sense of self is shaped by our family and the larger culture.

So-called self-consciousness is typical other-consciousness that is, what we imagine others think and feel about us.

It is an important step to recognize that our thoughts about others’ views of us are mostly our projections of what we think and feel about ourselves.

Deep self-awareness and self-acceptance undermine this tendency to project onto or judge others.

As we stop judging ourselves, we stop judging others.

Everyone benefits.”
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My two cents: I need to go below this level, way below.

It’s Not the Pump: part 2 from the DEEP HEART!

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“Our subjective experience of the heart varies enormously depending upon how intimate we are with it and, correspondingly, how separate we take ourselves to be from others.

If we are distant and alienated from our Self, we will in turn experience this with others.

For example, if on some level we are caught in a story of our unworthiness and the related feelings of shame and the fear of rejection, we feel split within ourselves and separate from others.

To put it simply, our heart feels closed, so much so that we may not even know what an open heart feels like.

Most of us have had at least episodes of thinking and feeling this way.

If this state becomes chronic, we will feel that we are lacking or flawed in an uncaring or hostile universe.

As a result, we suffer unnecessarily, radiating this suffering out to those around us.”
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