Posts Tagged ‘Dissociation’

Observing my mind::::::::::::Patterns

https://pixabay.com/users/openclipart-vectors-30363/

.

.

Observing my mind during morning meditation, using that space between me and the thoughts, I saw my mind’s pattern.

Before meditating, an email bill from Comcast was double a normal month, my mind engaged automatically.

Ten minutes later focused on the breath, my mind added many trauma worries from the past, emotionally charged events, then I saw my survival mode from a distance.

Subconsciously my mind has always hunted for danger, things that would worry me. My father raised me with violent criticism, he never said a kind word.

I had to know where he was, what mood he was in and make sure I did not do anything to disappoint him.

He wanted perfection, a cold narcissist, fear was my closest companion.

This explains the depth of what I am trying to modify. I would be frustrated if Healing was expected to be easy or quick.

Meditation has allowed me to observe my mind from a distance, I watch my thoughts and patterns at times.

It is scary, depressing to admit or write it down to share.

A decade of therapy has helped me improve, but my mind has always functioned in a hybrid survival mode.

When my complex PTSD is active, survival mode is intense, spotting danger gets the highest clearance. Looking back, I lived in some form of survival mode everyday.

Even when things were going well, feeling some happiness, I was on guard, never trusting life fully. That is difficult to write and know it is true.

I strive to change this everyday.

.

.

PTSD: Revenge or Forgiveness?

https://pixabay.com/users/annaliseart-7089643/

.

For me, intrusive thoughts are the big issue living with PTSD.

Once a trauma memory gets rolling all the negative emotions engulf us. 

One of my weaknesses is wanting revenge, wanting my abusers to pay a price, basic human nature.

This has not worked out well, actually it has damaged me more, made me suffer.

Forgiveness has been difficult, I have many harshly held resentments for the damage done to me.

This is the essence of PTSD for me now.

My PTSD has become a hybrid form since many of my traumas have been integrated or partially healed.

How much time my intrusive thoughts spend in my consciousness determines the outcome of everyday.

For that reason my mantra, I forgive everyone for everything they have done to harm me, was shortened.

I made the acronym FEE, Forgive Everyone Everything.

When an intrusive thought invades my space, immediately the acronym FEE appears followed by forgive everyone everything. 

FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERYTHING……FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERYTHING…….FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERYTHING…..FORGIVE EVERYONE EVERYTHING.

Am I a little OCD?

Repetition till it’s reflexive and intuitive makes our acronym much more effective.

Know your mind, it’s patterns and habits intimately.

When intrusive thoughts are broken, the emotions attached do not get a chance to draw me in.

This is a war between me and my PTSD, who will dominate my thoughts is the ultimate winner.

I healed the first time by not thinking about my father or my abuse.

So far it has helped clear my day of some of traumas turmoil.

Anything we can do to stay present, to stop dissociating, leaving this moment to ruminate, bodes well for us.

..

Pinterest

Forgiveness: fertile ground for healing

Pixabay: BenteBoe

.

.

The zoom kundalini groups focus this next 40 days is forgiveness.

My long held trauma wants to punish or take revenge on offenders in my life. Do we not want some to pay, to suffer for betrayals or damage done to us?

So this mantra, I forgive everyone for everything they have done to harm me, startled my inner world. Forgiveness is my most fertile ground, ready for healing.

Forgiving everyone first for harming us, then asking for forgiveness and receiving from anyone we have harmed, followed by forgiving ourselves for all we have done to harm ourselves.

I was taught my Zen meditation practice was better than all others, my Ego relished that feeling of superiority.

Now, I have stumbled on another form of meditation, that is better at healing trauma and much easier to practice for beginners or experienced meditators.

The lesson: Always be open to new ideas and paths, life offers a myriad of new choices.

Healing has only happened when I was able to take action.

I had to be humble and vulnerable to heal.

It is not like we are riding on a white horse conquering the vile enemy, it is being scared to death, vulnerable but still exhibiting the courage to lean into what scares us the most that brings the soothing touch of healing.

.

.

LOST CHILDHOOD Mystery of the sleeping refugee children who shut down in bizarre coma-like state for YEARS after horrors of war

Two sisters lay in bed in Sweden after being struck down with resignation syndromeCredit: AP:Associated Press

..

Mark Hodge: 31 Mar 2021,

“CHILDREN from refugee families in Sweden are mysteriously falling into coma-like states and not waking up for years.

The condition, called ‘resignation syndrome‘, has baffled doctors as tests on the kids’ brain show they are responsive to waking and sleeping despite being seemingly unconscious.

According to reports, the mystery illness was first seen in Sweden in the 1990s – but grew rapidly by the mid-2000s.

Between 2003 and 2005, 424 cases were reported and hundreds more children have since been struck down with the syndrome.

What is bizarre about the condition is that it only affects kids from refugee families in one country in the world.

Neurologist Suzanne O’Sullivan travelled to Stockholm to study two sisters suffering from the condition.

Describing the onset of symptoms in The Times, she wrote: “Children initially became anxious and depressed.

“Their behaviour changed: they stopped playing with other children and, over time, stopped playing altogether.

“They slowly withdrew into themselves, and soon they couldn’t go to school. They spoke less and less, until they didn’t speak at all.

“Eventually they took to bed. If they entered the deepest stage, they could no longer eat or open their eyes. They became completely immobile…

“They ceased having any active participation in the world.”

The patients – whose ages range from seven to 19 – are fed through tubes and their families keep their joints mobile through physiotherapy.

According to Dr O’Sullivan, the kids “were traumatised long before they fell ill.”

Continue reading

Repairing Childhood Traumas impact on the 🧠 brain

https://irishroversbooks.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/lest-we-forget/

.

.

What changes occur in the brain in childhood trauma? What are their effects?

• Reduced activity in Broca’s area (this is the area for speech). This can make it difficult to talk about trauma and describe it with detail (Hull, 2002). This is additional to trauma which is pre-verbal.

I have trauma that is pre verbal, it has a ghostly feel. It took years of meditating to be able to share my trauma with others.

• The hippocampus becomes smaller and its structure is interrupted (Wilson et al., 2011; McCrory et al, 2010). This can affect attention, learning and memory (Hedges and Woon, 2011; Pechtel and Pizzagalli, 2011).

Nothing has brought my memory back intact, many trauma memories are unfinished and confusing, incomplete and choppy.

• The corpus collosum which connects the left and right sides of the brain, is reduced. This prevents the two sides of the brain working in a coordinated way (Wilson et al., 2011)

Experienced meditators have a wider and thicker corpus collosum.

• Changes to amygdala function (Wilson et al., 2011; Pechtel and Pizzagalli, 2011). This can make a person more likely to react to triggers, especially emotional ones. People can experience emotional extremes and struggle to regulate their emotions.

My meditation practice calmed my amygdala and brought some balance. I could take the cortisol and adrenaline away with long deep,focused breaths.

• Reduced activity in different parts of the cortex- frontal lobes (McCrory et al, 2012). This can mean a survival response/s is triggered in absence of danger (Ali, et al., 2011).

Neuroscientists say meditation repairs the damage trauma does to the left prefrontal cortex.

• Changes in ‘reward pathways’. This can mean that survivors anticipate less pleasure from different activities, and may appear less motivated (Pechtel and Pizzagalli,)

I have been extremely motivated to heal. It’s just not an appearance of less pleasure, we serious abused kids suffer throughout life. Childhood trauma never totally leaves our being..

.

Childhood trauma and the brain

Pixabay: OpenClipart-Vectors

.

.

From https://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/Information/Understanding-abuse-and-trauma/What-is-childhood-trauma/Childhood-trauma-and-the-brain

Excerpt: How does childhood trauma impact on brain development?

.

Our childhood brains develop from the ‘bottom up’ i.e. the brain stem first. The survival functions develop before those for planning and impulse control. Our brainstem works fully when we are born. It controls basic survival functions such as heart rate, breathing, sleep and hunger.

We are also born with a functioning ‘threat detection’ system. In fact the amygdala can register a fear response in the final month before we’re born (Cozolino, 2006). We can develop a ‘memory’ of fear before we have language (i.e. this is pre-verbal), or can understand where the fear comes from. These ‘memories’ are stored in our body as body memories and emotions.

The hippocampus develops in response to our world into adulthood (Cozolino, 2006). Before the hippocampus develops we can’t consolidate ‘autobiographical’ memories. The pre-frontal cortex only matures in our mid-twenties.

Some parts of the brain grow and develop rapidly at certain ages. Overwhelming stress in childhood affects the way the brain develops (Gunnar and Quevedo, 2007; Pechtel and Pizzagalli, 2011). During critical periods of development, trauma can badly affect different areas. Positive experiences can help development. Negative experiences impair development (Wilson et al., 2011).

What changes occur in the brain in childhood trauma? What are their effects?

Childhood trauma can affect different parts of the brain. This helps explain many of the challenges survivors experience.

• Reduced activity in Broca’s area (this is the area for speech). This can make it difficult to talk about trauma and describe it with detail (Hull, 2002). This is additional to trauma which is pre-verbal.

• The hippocampus becomes smaller and its structure is interrupted (Wilson et al., 2011; McCrory et al, 2010). This can affect attention, learning and memory (Hedges and Woon, 2011; Pechtel and Pizzagalli, 2011).

• The corpus collosum which connects the left and right sides of the brain, is reduced. This prevents the two sides of the brain working in a coordinated way (Wilson et al., 2011)

• Changes to amygdala function (Wilson et al., 2011; Pechtel and Pizzagalli, 2011). This can make a person more likely to react to triggers, especially emotional ones. People can experience emotional extremes and struggle to regulate their emotions.

• Reduced activity in different parts of the cortex- frontal lobes (McCrory et al, 2012). This can mean a survival response/s is triggered in absence of danger (Ali, et al., 2011).

• Changes in ‘reward pathways’. This can mean that survivors anticipate less pleasure from different activities, and may appear less motivated (Pechtel and Pizzagalli,)

.

.

Our mind does not work the same when PTSD is active.

https://themighty.com/u/mrpositive/

I was force fed Lima beans once a week, I puked them, then got beat with a big paddle he drilled holes in to hurt me more.

Never have touched a Lima bean since childhood.

.

Our mind does not work the same when PTSD is active.

Anxiety and fear switch the minds mode of operation.

A calm, safe environment has our mind relaxed, open and maybe looking for opportunity, we can think quickly and clearly.

A PTSD mind can spot imminent danger in a second, activating our defense mechanism.

A PTSD sufferer has practiced over and over his/her reaction to trauma, paved a highway to survival mode, becoming best friends with avoidance.

Our mind becomes confused, pressured by anxiety drugs as fear spikes, trying to escape at all costs.

Our mind panics, cognitive functions almost stop, fine motor skills are gone, tunnel vision ensues.

Severe cases mimic near death experiences.

PTSD fear is the worst fear we can imagine, it has the ability to fire our fight or flight mechanism 15 times a day.

The drugs are real, the PTSD is abstract and subjective to us and lives only inside our mind.

The drugs stopped secreting the first time I healed.

Now instead of my fight or flight exploding, my mood changes, spotted and pointed out by those close to me.

My abuse, now at 69, still impacts my daily existence.

It is humbling, frustrating and full of guilt when my PTSD upsets those closest to me.

Hard to not hold anger at our abusers.

There is no wand or pill or quick solution for violent childhood abuse.

.

.

PTSD was a Submarine, out of site, stealthy

https://pixabay.com/users/conmongt-1226108/

.

PTSD was a submarine for me until my mid 50’s, stealthy, out of sight, right below the surface of consciousness.

There were no flashbacks, triggers firing, or any visible confirmation I was suffering from PTSD.

Oh a trained therapist would have spotted my PTSD easily!

The sad thing about my trauma being hidden, it grew in power, unnoticed as it impacted critical parts of my wellbeing.

Vital parts of my wellbeing were severely damaged and not working for decades.

One of my major deficiencies was my ability to trust and feel good enough, worthy.

In childhood, my narcissistic father tried to take over my being, live through me, since I came into his life unexpectedly when he was 16.

I took his childhood so he repaid the favor, he never said a kind word to me, never letting me feel comfortable was his goal.

He thought it would make me a better baseball player, his ultimate goal.

So that narcissist owned me, treated me as an it, I was his pit bull he took in a cage to the fight.

My value was totally contained in my performance, showing his peers his coaching talent.

Some would call this conditioned love, that is a misnomer, there was no love, only a narcissist cold ownership of his first male child.

How do you explain love to an abused child like this?

Love is something I do not pine for, being able to trust would be nice.

I wonder if my father has any remorse being dead now, looking down or up at me.

Lots of thoughts haunt us, what is real and what is trauma?

Is there love, trust and loyalty out there?

I was birthed into violent abuse and criticism.

Love and trust are strangers to me.

.

.

.

Sounds like PTSD to me

Breaking Barriers Australia (@breakingbarriersau)

.

.

Sounds like PTSD to me.

Go visit a PTSD discussion board and you will see many self destructive behaviors.

Handling our trauma, dissociating into the middle of the storyline is jet fuel for PTSD.

Be aware, trauma thoughts are dangerous for us.

3 tools for calming the nervous system

.

.

I know of three ways of depleting cortisol and adrenaline.

First is our diet, what we eat and how much body fat around our belly is influenced by our cortisol levels. Certain foods help deplete cortisol.

Second tool is Slowing the breath, focusing intently, activates our parasympathetic nervous system, applies the brakes.

This calms us, settles us down and lowers cortisol and adrenaline. It’s called meditation, it has many variations.

The third way is purely physical, aerobic exercise works like a charm.

Aerobic exercise to near failure works like a miracle. Start slow and adapt, then build up so you can exert maximum energy.

We have to want to heal more than any desire we entertain. I have never read that in any psychology book.

Therapy and my two therapists, one in San Diego then another in Eugene , helped me on my journey. I was encouraged to explore and try new things outside therapy.

Aerobic exercise and meditation were my two most valuable skills. Being a former pro jock, aerobic exercise was easy for me.

All my friends doubted I could ever meditate, I was always amped up, excitable and kind of high strung.

Do not let other people’s judgments rule our behavior. We get lost and run over by others because we are different, stay strong and try like hell in the face of worry and doubt.

I laughed at my friends, you think focusing on the spin of a baseball while hitting with 25,000 screaming fans can not be turned internally.

For a jock, being told we can not do something, is not something you want to bet against.

When my mind was frozen from trauma, my legs could still move and my willpower drove me to exhaustion.

Mechanically I can calm my body completely down.

We can not separate our mind from our body, they work as one.

There are many skills or tools we can learn to improve.

Yesterday, I started hiking to exhaustion again.

It’s half mental and half physical. It builds willpower.

How bad do you want to heal?

What is your level of commitment, are you in a little, a medium involvement or are you all in.

Intensity is a necessity for optimum results.

.

.

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: