Posts Tagged ‘depression’

My attitude (stubbornness) has helped me



I have experienced trauma throughout my life.

I have also experienced never giving up every time trauma arrived.

I do not have to achieve anything to never give up, ever.

Who am I?

I do not control the trauma, I do control not giving up.

Who are you?

Our first responsibility is to never give up, never give in.




We are different, much much different



Recently my landscape has changed, many things have cleared up. I understand my triggers, the cause of my thoughts, the aberrant wiring of my young brain.

The most painful discovery, knowing how much different abused kids in childhood turn out. We are so different, damaged.

In the meditation group I joined online, the thoughts of joy, jubilation, good childhood memories, stunned me.

I get triggered while the group bathes in happy memories and effortless feeling complete, joyful. Of course this is how it seems on the surface listening. We all have struggles but their is a huge difference.

How can they be like they are, good thoughts and feelings from childhood and now. Opportunity surrounds them, it seems they radiate.

My memories are few from childhood through college, only a couple of the most violent and traumatic ones remain.

I been told I need community to help my healing, no thanks.

That would do more damage than help for me, trust was extinguished in college, so being around people triggers me and makes me hyper-vigilant.

Well, these revelations explain why we isolate, fear, avoid and deal with trauma thoughts others have no idea about.

I always wonder how someone else would of faired living my childhood.

We never know how to compare our success or losses from all this abuse. I know we should not compare.

No one around us has a clue.

A few friends know my story, they can not start to know the hurt and pain.

Child abuse makes lonely adults, inside their heads anyway.

Anyone have these kind of thoughts? Please share your battles with PTSD.



Sometimes I write for me, let me share one

Cognitive Dissonance Redeux – The Greening of Gavin



Sometimes I write for me, part therapy, part freedom to write my blunt reality and feelings on paper without others to judge.

This recent explosion of repressed, betrayal trauma has brought suffering.

My PTSD brings violent thoughts, extreme humiliation and despair.

It runs like a horror flick when it wants during the day.

Many things activate this movie, watching tv, going to grocery or quiet time is often invaded by heart wrenching violence and unbelievable abuse.

It rocks my soul, numbs my body and freezes me with hopelessness.

I would rather not be me, not be a part of my storyline.

Then my life has to turn back to my breath, focus and letting go skills. My meditation practice has matured and strengthened.

Meditation and giving have been my shining lights in this dark trauma jungle.

I can make all the noise go away for a while, quiet it down.

With a decade of processing trauma behind me, PTSD still takes up large parts of everyday.

Dealing with the movie, then working to unplug the damage takes time.

It also takes a physical and emotional toll.

How do we weave happiness inside our PTSD.

I have done it for periods.

Now a repressed memory has brought the old damage into my present..

The alternative is giving up and being a victim.

I will die before I take that road.

It takes stubbornness and willpower when things seem helpless, the ability to take action in the face of our terror.



Childhood Trauma (C-PTSD) a Rollercoaster ride



During our abuse and betrayal most would agree life sucks.

When an event is stored as implicit memory, PTSD is borne inside our right amygdala, while some is hidden in our bodies.

Life will go from imminent danger to a calming period. This is not a pendulum that goes from intense suffering to wild bliss.

Wild bliss is the nightmare of trauma calming down for periods.

The activated parts of life differ in intensity.

I had reached a point where life became enjoyable, healing I thought was complete.

I understood everything about PTSD, then a repressed memory made me a liar.

My posts resemble my journey, some written with a sense of authority and command, others describing the terror trauma brings to my insides.

Facing my trauma head on, researching, helping others, practicing my healing skills, and meditating has shown me the depths of the damage done to me.

The thoughts that cross my path everyday would freak out a normal person.

They would lose their mind if they had my (our) mind.

It is true. I know I do not have thoughts they take for granted.

In the meditation group I joined, Jennifer had us go back into childhood and grab your strongest emotions.

They had euphoric events and opportunity which left them in a space we have never experienced. I wondered what a feeling of joy after a childhood would be like.

I wonder how they would of survived my father, and what would there thoughts be then. Damn sure not joy.

I see how damaged I am when others do things without effort that are impossible for me. I am not giving up or feeling like a victim, I just acknowledge the damage.

My life is so much different than a normal person.

I have to be ok with being different or I suffer.

That is my path.



Emotions are so confusing, appearing out of memories without any current stimulus.



PTSD brings an emotion, sadness from four decades ago.

It feels real. Is it real?

Sure feels real but it is many decades past.

My mind must be broke.

The mind (PTSD) creates negative emotions from past memories.

Why do they have power in this current space?


Emotions can last as little as three seconds or with PTSD many decades.

Childhood Trauma is emblazoned forever inside our adolescent brains.

Seems that old sadness feels like fake sadness, or stale sadness, not fresh, not applicable to me, now.

I have eliminated some of these old trauma emotions, more to go for us, it seems.

If you give up easy, childhood PTSD will become Satan.



Ego versus true self, divine presence, soul



“Ego, the self which he has believed himself to be,

is nothing but a pattern of habits.”

Alan Watts



My two cents: Our true self, soul, divine presence, is the same since birth, our shining light.

He/She stays mostly hidden because we concoct this identity figure, our “Ego”, that hogs the conscious stage.

Common sense and neuroscience tells me, he/she is a created myth.

How do we know this?

In observer mode, I can watch the thinker work.

Who is it that is observing the thinker?

Not the thinker (Ego), must be the power of our being.

Our true self, soul, divine presence is the Observer.

A healthy Ego is essential for wellbeing in limited quantities.

Our “Ego” was made for identity, a way of differentiating us from them, not the captain of our ship.

Do not promote an Ego, who behaves like a petulant adolescent at times to supreme leader.

Observer does not judge, he/she exists in present moment, empty of thought.

It is our default position, so we can take an unbiased look at our “Ego’s” latest judgments.

We see reality, clearly in observer mode.



Do we get a Reward from Trauma?


A friend asked me about my old trauma, what reward, what benefit did I receive from having it in my daily life?

What a quandary? My being resisted the thought, enjoyment, hell all I felt was shame and suffering.

I guess Preventing a future betrayal or somehow calming my internal fears could be the answer. Has to be something stronger to endure suffering.

Is it subconscious?

Do we receive a benefit from old trauma?

If so, my search has commenced.

Many behaviors are influenced or indirectly dominated by subconscious traumatic memories.

My trust issues were driven by a repressed betrayal in college.

How do we fix what we can not see or feel consciously?



If our Ego disappeared would we have PTSD?



We create this character for identity, adopting the name our parents gave us. So my “Ego” is named Marty.

Marty never feels equal to another “Ego”, always better or worse. If we walk into a room of people sitting around a big table, our “Ego” judges others and assesses our rank, our status in the group.

We decide by things we hold important. A group of athletes would give me a high ranking, while entering a group of knitters would send me to the basement.

How we rate ourselves within our peer group and how the opposite sex sees us are two important areas.

Our “Ego” is in charge when strong emotions are present. Our “Ego” feels the outrage not our observer (true self, soul).

If someone cuts me off on the freeway, it is my “Ego” that is pissed, feels disrespected or threatened.

If I take a breath, focus, and let go, the anger dissipates. That anger needs my “Egos” energy to stay alive.

PTSD goes away when I focus, let my mind empty of thought, and observe life in this present moment.

It’s like seeing everything in my landscape without judgment (observer mode).

My “Ego” takes a place in the back, in the far reaches of my mind for a minute.

I asked my therapists one day, Doc, if I can be free of trauma for five minutes while meditating, then I can increase that time more and more with practice?

She said of course.

I have learned to meditate, a space where I travel to the right hemisphere of my brain, it is “Egoless” over there.

No words, sentences, right or wrong, good or bad.

Words are pixels on this side.

Think of the “Ego” as a ventriloquist dummy on our lap.

He/She is kind of us, but can say things we never would think of.

Just think of how common sense disappears when we get really pissed.

Look at that dummy on your lap, and say Hello to your “Ego”.

We need less “Ego” and more Observer for balance and wellbeing.

Next time you get pissed, follow the “Ego” back to its source.

Trick question. Who knows the answer?

Our true self (soul) can exist without the “Ego”, the “Ego” can not be exist without our true self.

Out deep in the woods, our “Ego” loses his/her powers.

The answer: The “Ego” has no source to find, it is made up without a center.



A crazy PTSD journey: a Rollercoaster ride for free



My childhood trauma broke loose in my mid 50’s with a vengeance, life changed drastically, my nervous system exploded.

Improving (healing) was slow, arduous and painful. Took five years of all out effort with the new tools and skills I acquired.

My spirit was triumphant, much much freer, calmer as life had real joy for the first time. That horrible haunting feeling stopped, that unworthy to the core feeling dissipated.

To my shock five months ago, another super charged, hidden trauma exploded. Determined to quickly integrate this new trauma, frustration ensued.

I would meditate, let it go, time after time. Two days later the intrusive thoughts returned.

Three times these thoughts ceased for a couple of days only to return in force.

From my perch: Reading many, many books, meditating five hours a day, actively participating in therapy and applying all the skills learned, I was not your normal PTSD client a therapist would see.

I was a great success healing the first time. My therapist and friends agreed.

Now, confused, these same skills, more mature and adept, fail to impact this new trauma.

I revisited the Internal Family System therapy, it seems betrayal is my kryptonite.

It is like my soul, my spirit, my core Or my ego fears anihilation from this event and will not let go.

Hell no, I do not understand it. I know rationally it is the distant past and no danger is present.

Knowing that, life is still a rollercoaster ride at times.

He is an irrational ghost with inside power, who holds me in this invisible prison.

This monster (PTSD) runs on its own, has enormous power at times, and robs us.

For me, I am engaged in the battle again, maybe lost but looking for the crack in its armor.




Survival Mode: “The Body Keeps the Score”

Pixabay: Comfreak



“In other words: If an organism is stuck in survival mode, its energies are focused on fighting off unseen enemies, which leaves no room for nurture, care, and love.

For us humans, it means that as long as the mind is defending itself against invisible assaults, our closest bonds are threatened, along with our ability to imagine, plan, play, learn, and pay attention to other people’s needs.

Darwin also wrote about body-brain connections that we are still exploring today.

Intense emotions involve not only the mind but also the gut and the heart: “Heart, guts, and brain communicate intimately via the ‘pneumogastric’ nerve, the critical nerve involved in the expression and management of emotions in both humans and animals.

When the mind is strongly excited, it instantly affects the state of the viscera; so that under excitement there will be much mutual action and reaction between these, the two most important organs of the body.”

The first time I encountered this passage, I reread it with growing excitement. Of course we experience our most devastating emotions as gut-wrenching feelings and heartbreak.

As long as we register emotions primarily in our heads, we can remain pretty much in control, but feeling as if our chest is caving in or we’ve been punched in the gut is unbearable.

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