Posts Tagged ‘depression’

PTSD and Suffering

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A friend asked me, what do you gain from your suffering?

I have a hard time applying that to PTSD suffering.

Whether we are a victim or actively trying to heal, suffering is part of our life.

In my opinion, childhood abuse was a sentence of future suffering.

No matter what I did, suffering and loss would be my companions.

My damage and weaknesses were glaring for me.

The best I can do is, try to heal in spite of my suffering.

Feeling I gain something from suffering, brings strong guilt feelings.

I must be doing something wrong to prolong PTSD and my suffering.

Seems to me, having courage and taking action to heal is trying to stop suffering.

An idea arrives. I can offer my suffering up to help Others heal.



PTSD: what’s it feel like inside?

Pixabay: ninita_7
I have learned to watch my mind and body. 

At times I can take a step back, be observer, kind of narrating what my being is doing.

It feels like a big fight has happened this week inside my head and heart.

Like always, the details are cloudy, confusing and abstract.

Exactly how our trauma was stored.

My read is accurate, childhood abuse haunts us like a ghost.

I have watched my mind try to convince me unworthiness lives at my core.

A humiliating event is the storyline trauma runs on the projector.

My complex PTSD thinks my soul is stained, damaged, faulty.

Being able to take a step back, gives me a chance to know it,then attack it in due time.

This is a battle people, PTSD wins at times.

That thought of feeling sorry for myself broke my consciousness.

I know life is not fair and others have it harder than me.

We regroup, retool and attack it.

If I have to suffer, I will suffer trying to heal.

It is not easy at times like this.

PTSD uses thought and emotion to gain control



PTSD uses certain emotions to gain control, yes it’s part of the Thinker, our Ego.

Our Ego wants total control, even in a person with no history of abuse. We are easy targets when the Ego has PTSD as a weapon or when PTSD has the Ego to dominate. Pick your poison.

PTSD brings guilt to our core. Why should we ever feel guilty for being abused, yes it’s all irrational.

PTSD distorts time, memory and our sanity.

Fear of the unknown, what’s going to happen, when is the next tragedy for us, reverberates within traumas thoughts. We are always on guard, danger is close, we sense.

Trauma, PTSD, has created an alternate world that has no safety or wellbeing for us. We live in a world influenced by things out of our consciousness, PTSD.

We can get trapped inside our thoughts and feelings without realizing it. No one is going to understand.

That’s the other sad part about childhood abuse, none of your friends or enemies will ever know the hell we endure. They will feel helpless not being able to stop our suffering.

Then, there is the fear, the doom, the knowing that things have never turned out ok for us.

Our memories are like Swiss cheese. A child without abuse has a vivid memory of childhood.

We have spotty, violent nightmares, emotionally devastating snippets of abuse called memory.

Good memories are not accessible for me, my memories are of abusé, loss and betrayal. If I have good memories, I am not aware of them.

That’s sad, as I read it.

So looking back has nothing but suffering for me and probably you.

We carry all the fear and ways to escape our abuser into adulthood subconsciously.

Anyone who slightly resembles my fathers behavior, jolts my nervous system.

What do you carry with you?



Updated: Awareness: know your trauma Patterns

An example of what a functional MRI scan looks like. Brain activation is averaged across 20 PTSD patients compared to healthy controls in an emotion regulation task.



Yes, I am drawing a pattern out of only two episodes of trauma in my life.

Here are a few patterns I notice.

The obvious, my trauma buries itself quite deeply for decades.

This pattern allows trauma to have subconscious impact without anytime spent trying to heal.

My childhood abuse did not erupt until I was in my fifties.

Secondly, the first couple of months are extremely intense.

My nervous system is agitated and intrusive thoughts seem to come at a rate of a Gatling gun firing.

I see that my whole personality changes.

One of my symptoms brings the feeling of imminent danger to my being.

It is irrational and very confusing.

Imminent danger for me is not physical, I fear the annihilating of my ego, emotional death in a sense.

I am intense, consumed and out of my gourd for a couple months.

You have witnessed this in my recent posts.

I sound and act like a victim, hopeless, helpless, it is embarrassing but sharing will help others push through their humiliating thoughts.

At my lowest, agoraphobic, hiding in my dark garage during the day, I thought something was going to come through the tile roof and do something worse than death.

Look how abstract that fear is. I have no idea what is coming through the roof, man, animal or alien.

My danger does not need a gender or even an origin but it is what I fear most, the unknown.

PTSD has that unknown quality about it.

The tragic memory is incomplete at the time trauma happens.

If it happened in childhood, the brain has not fully developed, storing an incomplete, distorted memory.

Somewhere in our background we need that skill that does not give up when all Common sense says it is the prudent choice.

At my lowest, Agoraphobic, contemplating suicide, a moment of clarity and strength surfaced for me.

From somewhere deep inside my head, the words, my abuser, my dad wins if I give up.

That may seem a feeble judgment by some, but every fiber in my body would not allow him to win.

In a crazy moment of crisis, I accepted my suffering, decided I would rather sit and suffer than let my dad win.

I did not realize this was a pivotal moment on my healing journey, inside my ego, that inner voice knew I would never give up.

Healing from PTSD is a war zone, expect the turmoil as part of the journey.

Ironically, surviving my fathers abuse developed the traits that helped me heal.

We have to fight for our wellbeing, fight the demons our childhoods created.




PTSD: Misconceptions of normal people are GLARING!



Trauma is stored in fragmented, biased snippets during a perceived lethal threat..

Talking to it, reasoning with it or trying to influence it cognitively (consciously) is impossible.

Intrusive thoughts and PTSD have their own engine, their own leadership, their own schedule.

PTSD triggers and plays when it wants.

We do not control anything but our reaction.

We can resist and let thoughts go, but if you have experienced severe PTSD you know the storyline never stops sometimes.

Normal people think with their normal rational minds how easy it is to heal. Just stop thinking about it.

How nice, how clueless, how damaging.

PTSD is irrational and gets worse with their idea of control.

I been judged, laughed at and humiliated because of my PTSD.

Navigating regular life and people without PTSD is an issue that never goes away.

We do not fit in, we have periods where we are much different, much more guarded, much more concerned about our safety.

Even people who are friends, who have seen you suffer will tell you to get over it after a while.

It wears them out watching us suffer, then they get frustrated and lash out.

It just happened to me again. I cut contact and isolate, it hurts.

Trust is already hard, this makes it worse.

Normal people have no idea what it is like to hide away as an adult in your room for days, emotionally destroyed from the monster hiding inside our head.

Our minds play terror events at a rapid pace, cortisol and adrenaline flow, numbing drugs and coagulants are secreted for battle.

It is an invisible war, inside an invisible prison (PTSD).

How could we as infants escape our life sentence?

Instead of criticizing PTSD people, they should give ultimate gratitude they did not have to live our childhoods.

Peer pressure causes us to retreat, we start losing trust in people who can not understand us.

Every symptom and consequence of Childhood abuse has driven me towards isolation.

How about you?


PTSD has exploded with old age, retirement

A rare peak behind the curtain the real me.



Work and play always kept that demon inside, chasing me at bay.

With retirement and large swaths of time to think, I finally see my life, the big picture.

I am devastated.

Like many, we did not have a chance as little kids.

My childhood abuse followed me into college, where betrayal broke that abused little boys back.

It was stored as the most horrific thing that ever happened to me. I can not change how this was stored, the intensity or the harm or the event itself. Oh I have tried.

I never realized, I should never have entered a relationship with a partner, ever. I did not know the risk, the damage for life that would happen.

Childhood abuse left me damaged and incapable of ever handling betrayal, let alone public ridicule. My father so isolated me, I never confided in a soul.

I did not have anyone I trusted, anyone I would ever share humiliation, shame, loss or weakness with.


I lived life inside my head, alone, since childhood. I was extremely vulnerable and had no clue.

I have paid a heavy price for loving someone. I never trusted a mate again. It was not conscious or cognitive, everytime a girlfriend or wife would go out alone, my bags were packed.

I did not understand why my gut would churn, my nervous system would go to tilt or why I suffered. This always caused conflict and suffering for me.

It was impossible for me to attach in a healthy way. But it felt like failure to be single.

I found it impossible to be close or trust any partner after college. I gave what was available, much of me had shut down without me knowing it.

PTSD was alive but I never knew it.

My cognitive rationalizations now, common sense, can not reach this nightmare. We can not cognitively reach ptsd or change it by talking to it, like many think.

It plays in a venue that thinks its worse than death. Somehow I need to proces this, integrate this, not try to change it.

Hard for an old guy to handle this level of anxiety, humiliation and outright fear, now.

How in the world do you fix this?

I have done the work, journeyed for a decade on the road less traveled and this is what remains.

PTSD does not care, we can suffer till we die.



My attitude (stubbornness) has helped me



I have experienced trauma throughout my life.

I have also experienced never giving up every time trauma arrived.

I do not have to achieve anything to never give up, ever.

Who am I?

I do not control the trauma, I do control not giving up.

Who are you?

Our first responsibility is to never give up, never give in.




We are different, much much different



Recently my landscape has changed, many things have cleared up. I understand my triggers, the cause of my thoughts, the aberrant wiring of my young brain.

The most painful discovery, knowing how much different abused kids in childhood turn out. We are so different, damaged.

In the meditation group I joined online, the thoughts of joy, jubilation, good childhood memories, stunned me.

I get triggered while the group bathes in happy memories and effortless feeling complete, joyful. Of course this is how it seems on the surface listening. We all have struggles but their is a huge difference.

How can they be like they are, good thoughts and feelings from childhood and now. Opportunity surrounds them, it seems they radiate.

My memories are few from childhood through college, only a couple of the most violent and traumatic ones remain.

I been told I need community to help my healing, no thanks.

That would do more damage than help for me, trust was extinguished in college, so being around people triggers me and makes me hyper-vigilant.

Well, these revelations explain why we isolate, fear, avoid and deal with trauma thoughts others have no idea about.

I always wonder how someone else would of faired living my childhood.

We never know how to compare our success or losses from all this abuse. I know we should not compare.

No one around us has a clue.

A few friends know my story, they can not start to know the hurt and pain.

Child abuse makes lonely adults, inside their heads anyway.

Anyone have these kind of thoughts? Please share your battles with PTSD.



Sometimes I write for me, let me share one

Cognitive Dissonance Redeux – The Greening of Gavin



Sometimes I write for me, part therapy, part freedom to write my blunt reality and feelings on paper without others to judge.

This recent explosion of repressed, betrayal trauma has brought suffering.

My PTSD brings violent thoughts, extreme humiliation and despair.

It runs like a horror flick when it wants during the day.

Many things activate this movie, watching tv, going to grocery or quiet time is often invaded by heart wrenching violence and unbelievable abuse.

It rocks my soul, numbs my body and freezes me with hopelessness.

I would rather not be me, not be a part of my storyline.

Then my life has to turn back to my breath, focus and letting go skills. My meditation practice has matured and strengthened.

Meditation and giving have been my shining lights in this dark trauma jungle.

I can make all the noise go away for a while, quiet it down.

With a decade of processing trauma behind me, PTSD still takes up large parts of everyday.

Dealing with the movie, then working to unplug the damage takes time.

It also takes a physical and emotional toll.

How do we weave happiness inside our PTSD.

I have done it for periods.

Now a repressed memory has brought the old damage into my present..

The alternative is giving up and being a victim.

I will die before I take that road.

It takes stubbornness and willpower when things seem helpless, the ability to take action in the face of our terror.



Childhood Trauma (C-PTSD) a Rollercoaster ride



During our abuse and betrayal most would agree life sucks.

When an event is stored as implicit memory, PTSD is borne inside our right amygdala, while some is hidden in our bodies.

Life will go from imminent danger to a calming period. This is not a pendulum that goes from intense suffering to wild bliss.

Wild bliss is the nightmare of trauma calming down for periods.

The activated parts of life differ in intensity.

I had reached a point where life became enjoyable, healing I thought was complete.

I understood everything about PTSD, then a repressed memory made me a liar.

My posts resemble my journey, some written with a sense of authority and command, others describing the terror trauma brings to my insides.

Facing my trauma head on, researching, helping others, practicing my healing skills, and meditating has shown me the depths of the damage done to me.

The thoughts that cross my path everyday would freak out a normal person.

They would lose their mind if they had my (our) mind.

It is true. I know I do not have thoughts they take for granted.

In the meditation group I joined, Jennifer had us go back into childhood and grab your strongest emotions.

They had euphoric events and opportunity which left them in a space we have never experienced. I wondered what a feeling of joy after a childhood would be like.

I wonder how they would of survived my father, and what would there thoughts be then. Damn sure not joy.

I see how damaged I am when others do things without effort that are impossible for me. I am not giving up or feeling like a victim, I just acknowledge the damage.

My life is so much different than a normal person.

I have to be ok with being different or I suffer.

That is my path.



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