Posts Tagged ‘depression’

25 Jul

What is the Purpose of Life?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

pixabay Comfreak

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What is the purpose of life?

First, abused kids purpose will be drastically different than a normal kids.

We are separated at birth, an abused kids life will have more early death, cancer, addiction, pain, suffering, and mental illness.

It’s like as kids we were on different planets, one supportive and one abusive, damaging.

I have never had a purpose of my own, my dad and mom told me who I was and what I would be, a pro baseball player.

That ended at 27, I have been wandering ever since.

I have friends who are happy to lucky, life is an adventure, and their purpose is evident for them.

They live a life I am not familiar with.

Purpose has a hard time living in a container of trauma, fear, and anxiety.

Purpose becomes trying to survive, trying to diminish pain, trying to be normal.

Living is painful, I suffer enough that life feels worthless.

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24 Jul

My Bucket list

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/rotatingmass-333872/

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Intrusive thoughts are the ptsd symptom that dominates my life now.

Each day arrives with thoughts of trepidation and fear.

My main goal is security at all costs. What others think is worth a risk, holds no desire for me.

I am not afraid of my intrusive thoughts, they are my mind’s daily ritual.

Without input from me, my mind generates intrusive thoughts like an automatic weapon firing.

They do not trigger my nervous system, they ignite depression and unworthiness.

I am terrified of sharing the darkest ones with anyone.

I hide my thoughts and the way I live to survive.

It is embarrassing.

If you told me I have a month to live, I am not going to travel to some exotic place or change anything.

My bucket list holds only one item.

I have zero desire to travel or congregate with others. Give me the ability to trust and enjoy a few things.

Being healed.

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23 Jul

Life has been about enduring pain

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/1618549853309899/

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Life has been about enduring pain, enduring abuse, living without ever feeling worthy.

Being yelled at screamed at, then violently assaulted dominated my early years.

Life has been violent since my early childhood, the fear and anxiety never left.

If I had a choice, why would I choose to be born into this suffering?

How many abused kids feel the same way?

At 70, I have suffered a complete life, it is a fact.

Why did we lose the birth lottery, why were we the kids chosen to suffer?

The physical abuse fades, the emotional last a lifetime.

I have always dreamed about being different, worthy.

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20 Jul

Ptsd: the roller coaster ride of our life

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/paulbr75-2938186/

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I have tried EFT, TFT, EMDR, hypnosis, cranial sacral, acupuncture, CBT, ACT, developmental trauma therapy, EDIT, holistic, internal family system, biofeedback, two intuitives, and some actions forgotten on the journey.

Over a decade I had three therapists, two intuitives, a slew of books, and five years at a Zen center.

There is a spiritual component connected to meditation that has been a big part of my journey. Mindfulness has been an anchor on this journey.

Months we’re spent trying to apply everything learned in therapy, in books, and online.

My effort and dedication were intense and persistent, I wanted to heal completely and dedicated the last decade to this pursuit.

I exhaustively read the latest about brain science, the cutting edge therapies, the exploration of survivor traits, the mindfulness (meditation) connection, the lack of focus on the body (exercise), the absence of daily support, and the never mentioned urgency that was missing entirely.

Frustrated to be at PTSD’s mercy again, stuck, in pain, feeling like I have lost my mind, life is painful.

Times like this, life limps along, I feel wounded and extremely vulnerable.

Giving up is not an option, so the next action is checking out a chemical imbalance.

Need to either confirm or eliminate this possibility.

After that I am out of solutions.

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13 Jul

unresolved pain and unhealed hurts

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

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From “Forgiving what you can not Forget”

“Have you ever been around someone who personalizes everything?

No matter what you say, they immediately filter it through unresolved pain and unhealed hurts from experiences they’ve had in their life story.

They don’t forget things said to them.

They are always building a case to support their perceptions.

They quickly assign wrong motives and negative interpretations to what is done and said to them.

They believe with all their heart things like, They don’t like me. They don’t think I’m smart, Etc.”

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My two cents: Oh my, I resemble these words, sounds like childhood PTSD talking loudly!

Do you have any of these traits, symptoms?

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7 Jul

PTSD is a fickle ______…… Fill in the blank

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/290763719696255817/

For most of my life, I was always busy subconsciously running from my trauma demons.

Sometimes, whether we isolate or mingle gingerly, we suffer, we obsessively wonder, what does it all mean.

What is the best thing to do, risk or be safe?

Are we failing by avoiding or taking risks that do more damage?

That Octopus (PTSD) entangled around my brain has no clue how to heal, let go, ignore PTSD, live freely, effortlessly, or trust easily.

Being in a group accentuates how different my thoughts, my brain, my life is. Instead of leading to wellbeing, I feel isolated and totally different than them.

I wonder how they can be so free and jolly, while I suffer.

To say we feel a twinge of jealousy is normal, it amazes us how others attach and feel safe rather easily as we avoid, isolate and have mental anguish.

So risking, joining a group, does not bring more healing, at times it brings more unrest and more PTSD symptoms.

At this point, I have done Exposure therapy, faced my demons head on, tried vigorously, many therapies, holistic healers and adopted a daily mediation practice.

I am at a loss to further my healing.

Each day is a struggle, coping is arduous somedays, life has more pain than joy by far.

Help!

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6 Jul

When do we decide to stay or quit?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/402861129176554161/

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In the online Kundalini group, we are working on the inner critic and the goal is to never take what others say personally.

I fail miserably, with my childhood abuse and betrayals, it seems impossible. While the group celebrates, depression takes hold, I can not behave like them, feel like them, or even fake it for a half hour.

Ten people in group celebrate the benefits of letting go criticism as if it were ordering a sandwich.

How can others do what has become next to impossible for us?

Maybe it is the smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala and compromised prefrontal cortex that makes us different, makes us incapable of being normal.

What others do seamlessly, my 🧠 brain can not accomplish.

My criticism is from a caregiver, a complete childhood and his criticism was constant and violent.

It changed my brain, I see it clearly when I join any group.

Joining a group reinforces how different my mind works, how different my thoughts and daily battles are.

I can not even fake joy for short periods.

Finally, at my age, I want the pain to just stop.

I am conflicted, do I stay in the Kundalini group?

Is it doing more good than damage?

How can we decide being inside our traumatized brains.

When we can not perform like all the others in a group, does that separate us more or what?

How do we navigate life, keep going no matter how much we suffer?

At the end of the day I have a decade of therapy, meditation and practice, it has helped tremendously but I still suffer.

I have always been an outcast soul, my father had more control in childhood with me isolated.

Can We change our basic nature?

I have changed some, the evil shit still lives on.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/611785930635528346/

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4 Jul

PTSD’s impact on my life at 70

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/81838918220096983/

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No sugarcoating, this is how my PTSD feels.

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I have no memory of having a direction, a purpose in life. My parents told me who and what I would be, a pro ball player, after that was done, I wandered without a rudder.

Dealing with PTSD symptoms, handling crisis, trying to survive, describes the rest of my life until now. Betrayal took my sense of safety, security, the ability to trust.

Someone chastised me for not having a bucket list yesterday, like I was void of human desires.

Is there happiness in any part of a bucket list? Definitely some joy maybe.

Fulfilling a bucket list will not change my PTSD, will it? Have not read about a therapy called bucket list yet.

I have no bucket list or desire to make one. With PTSD, traveling to some exotic destination dies a quick death, being at some crowded event, sports or otherwise, does not interest me.

Right now, I do not belong to any group, any church, any team. Childhood abuse and a college betrayal took safety out of my life, no group is worth the risk. This is sad I know.

Things were destroyed when I was younger, broken, people can not understand that. My thoughts are so much different that I feel an outcast.

Worry and doubt have always had a strong presence, feeling safe never happened in childhood, as an adult a hybrid of that emotion lives on. Not feeling safe is emotional now, connected to my trauma subconsciously.

PTSD’s manifests most in my lifestyle, I am a loner, avoid crowds and people most of the time. Trust is scarce, feeling free or happy go lucky has never happened.

Pictures of my mom, dad and siblings do not exist in my space, in my life. There are no good memories from childhood, no attachments then, no attachments now, to any of them.

It is hard to feel connection with caregivers who beat and criticized you abusively, then deny their behavior for the rest of their. life.

I would like to say my life is well adjusted with lots of community and connection.

My life has some calm joy.

It also is a life haunted by demons of abuse and betrayal at my core.

Sadness overwhelms my spirit somedays, I wish to be on another planet, in another body, with another mind, and another life.

Then, there are days I can distract myself and feel a little joy.

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4 Jul

PTSD: Birth is the ultimate lottery

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.si.com/nba/2016/10/27/classic-photos-kareem-abdul-jabbar#gid=ci02554da9c0002580&pid=2015

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Looking back after 70 years on this planet, life is harsh even for kids who had great support and love from their caregivers.

Watching a podcast of NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, he described his life as an oddity, sticking out being 6’8” at 12 years old. 7’2″ was his height as an adult, how do you blend in or hide, fit into a hotel bed, buy clothes, or fit in a car?

People always stare and treat you like an oddity. He says this kind of scrutiny drives you inside, into your own cocoon.

Life shrinks for people scrutinized as different or abused kids markedly different in behavior than normal kids.

Now, consider being seriously abused as a kid, criticized and beaten by a caregiver. Think we are not an abnormality, an oddity compared to normal kids.

We do not feel equal to others, we know we are flawed and compromised, dysfunctional and isolated.

I am not saying as an adult I believe any of this now, however it was my reality most of my life and dogma as a kid.

If birth is the ultimate lottery, we lost big time.

The impact of abusing a child, lasts a lifetime, I am an example of this. The ACE study documents the physical diseases and early death that childhood abuse causes.

I am not a victim but I have suffered trying to heal from childhood PTSD my entire life. That is a fact.

At 70, my brain is still trying to cope with a smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala and a compromised left prefrontal cortex, Childhood PTSD disrupts nearly everyday with unworthiness and failure.

I have friends who are happy go lucky, think everything will turn out alright. Their demeanor is relaxed and confident, life seems easy and happy for them.

To say I am envious and amazed is an understatement.

Are they from another planet, how can a brain feel safe and secure, being able to trust thoughts, and finally they trust others.

I have never had those feelings and never expect to feel that way, a little bit of wellbeing and peace of mind are my only goals now.

My life is navigating around my trauma minefield, searching for brief moments of joy while dodging trauma thoughts, anxiety and isolation.

Yes, I have felt haunted by childhood demons, this battle has never receded from my life.

Everyone has challenges, some much greater than others. Whoever makes those decisions is way above our pay grade.

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17 Jun

Navigating the harm of normal people

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/

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Over 20 vets have committed suicide everyday for the last three years.

Why couldn’t they just let it go, be strong. They had families, children and responsibilities.

What force could drive them to give up and take their own lives.

A normal person, not abused in childhood, has no clue what forces drive them to take their own lives.

I understand exactly why they take their lives, to stop the pain.

Wonder how they reacted when people told them to just let it go? Ignore your trauma and act normal, ignore the anxiety, ignore the fear.

I would like to see anyone of them handle my childhood trauma so easily and completely.

Our prisons are full of abused kids, growing up dysfunctional as adults, why did they fail, why couldn’t they just let their PTSD go?

How many abused young girls become prostitutes and drug addicts, cutters and suicidal risks?

Why could they not just let their sexually abusive childhoods go?

The outside world sees us as weak and broken. I have entered spaces and shared my childhood trauma trying to heal, my boldness has brought rebuke and pain.

I am not weak, I doubt if any of them could of walked my life or your life.

I get upset when supposed friends invalidate my PTSD and suffering.

I guess part of our suffering is enduring never being validated by normal people.

I must be seriously flawed not being able to effortlessly let my trauma go.

We get burnt over and over when we share our suffering.

Now, I will search for relief in private again.

Besides my therapist, this is the only safe place I have to share my trauma challenges.

Thank all of you for understanding.

Thoughts, experiences, ideas?

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