Posts Tagged ‘depression’

The ACE Study


Beginning in 1994, the “adverse childhood experiences” (ACE) Study, a partnership between the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente assessed the relationship between adult health risk behaviors and childhood abuse and household dysfunction.

  • The study began with a sample of 9,508 individuals representing a 70.5% response rate.
  • Respondents were given a score of one for each ACE category that they experienced.

Findings showed that people who experienced four or more adverse childhood events had:

  • increased risk for smoking, alcoholism and drug abuse
  • increased risk for depression and suicide attempts
  • poor self-rated health
  • 50 or more sexual partners
  • greater likelihood of sexually transmitted disease
  • challenges with physical inactivity, and severe obesity

A follow-up sample combined with baseline data for a total sample of 17,337. Additional findings show that ACE Score is associated with:

  • likelihood of attempted suicide across the lifespan
  • increased risk for broken bones
  • heart disease
  • lung disease
  • liver disease
  • multiple types of cancer


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Mental Illness: Depression claims another life


The Associated Press
Wynonna Judd, left, and Naomi Judd

Naomi Judd, of Grammy-winning duo The Judds, dies at 76

Naomi Judd, whose family harmonies with daughter Wynonna turned them into the Grammy-winning country stars The Judds, has died. She was 76.

Her daughters, Wynonna and Ashley, announced her death on Saturday in a statement provided to The Associated Press.

“Today we sisters experienced a tragedy. We lost our beautiful mother to the disease of mental illness,” the statement said.

“We are shattered.

We are navigating profound grief and know that as we loved her, she was loved by her public.

We are in unknown territory.”

PTSD: Are we the walking wounded?

We do not want to be part of the walking wounded, we yearn to be normal, to fit in, to feel safe and accepted.



We loathe how we feel about ourselves, unworthy, flawed, outcasts!

All the hard work to improve and act normal still finds us more isolated and buried in traumatic thoughts.

After a decade of intense healing, PTSD still haunts my being.

PTSD has changed over the years, gone is the fight or flight mechanism firing, gone is the intense fear, replaced by thoughts, hate, resentment, and depression.

Where others see attachments as beneficial, I see the chance for betrayal, this perceived danger is powerful inside my brain.

All therapeutic endeavors and meditation have helped me improve, healing is impossible in my opinion.

Show me serious childhood abuse being healed completely. Show me a happy, free-flowing life after serious childhood abuse. Show me more than a few isolated successes.

How do you heal completely? I see a sea of suffering and pain instead.

It is a fear that revs up my nervous system and makes suffering a part of every thought, life is worse than miserable.

PTSD people will understand the last sentence, and normal people will have no clue what I meant.

I guess our dreams were shattered in childhood, and our ability to trust pretty much destroyed.

I fear certain things more than death, always have.

Of course, I envision a peaceful death, not being burnt alive or tortured.

Do you have these thoughts, my normal friends never do.

What is the craziest thing a friend has commented on your PTSD behavior?

Do you feel broken?

I walk zombie-like around people, feeling vulnerable, exposed, fearful, and anxious.

Is that PTSD or just my personality after childhood?


It takes action, practice, hard work and guts to heal

First class menu


“Meditation is a matter not of theory but of practice, just as it does not satisfy your hunger to read a restaurant menu if you are not going to eat something from it.”

Matthew Ricard from “Happiness”




My two cents: Healing is not a spectators sport, reading heals nothing, it takes daily action.

We PTSDers avoid and isolate, go numb and sedentary.

Taking action in the face of fear and anxiety is a necessity.

It takes great desire, focus and persistence, besides courage to heal.

It is a moment-to-moment battle with our thoughts, anxiety, and fear.

Know the playing field, be prepared, have an attack plan, and finally develop your tools.

Healing is not for the faint of heart, victims find it difficult if not nearly impossible to take action.

We must prepare and accept PTSD’s suffering, then take healing action in the face of this fear.

We start with small actions and small incremental gains with daily work.

Sedentary is closer to death, action closer to life.

Your decision, your life.

happy Healing!

Third class menu not so elegant!

Some days are worse than others.

Some days are worse than others. Yesterday was one of those days.

Yes, I was tired and sore from coaching baseball, at 70 working long-forgotten muscles has a price, this always adds a vulnerability with my defenses weakened.



Being tired is not the issue, it is this sense of anguish that hovers nearby.

Yes, it is abstract, nothing solid, that’s how PTSD works inside our minds.

I held such power over my PTSD before covid and my college betrayal exploded.

It is hard for me to ignore these strong emotional torments.

My nervous system does not explode, it feels way off center and agitated.

It is a feeling of imminent danger, a disconnected imminent danger, not real but scary in his special PTSD way.

PTSD has a place established inside our brains, wired since childhood, their power grid so to speak.

It is where trauma memories are stored and released at times.

My dismay at repeat days is palpable.

My PTSD seems to be on steroids these days.

I can not describe this fear accurately or is it danger I feel, the world does not favor some of us.

I fear things will happen to me and my family, things out of my control as life has taught me many times.

Since childhood life has carried so much more danger and worry than normal people.

It has always been with me, I can not remember a time when PTSD danger WAS NOT CLOSE.

Stepping back, yesterday was a disaster, another harmful experience survived.

I see how wasted yesterday was, it interrupts lifes continuity.

Birth was the ultimate lottery we lost.

Age impacts PTSD

The edges of age, both bookends, childhood and old age are a more vulnerable time for us (PTSD).



As a child we were helpless to resist a caregiver, we were a captive, owned by a giant.

Our brains are wired differently, this will be our challenge for the rest of our lives, spotting danger will become a lifelong habit.

I am not able to distract my mind with activities like I use to.

As a senior with chronic pain, depression, and Complex PTSD, my physical and emotional assets have deteriorated.

Getting old sucks, the alternative sucks even more.




My pain has increased while my physical skills have declined.

Unable to work because of physical decline and injuries, I am isolated from my social network.

I can not change my plight by finding a job now.

Ptsd sucks for seniors is my new motto.

I guess every age has its drawbacks when dealing with childhood abuse.

We are the lucky ones, we take action and try to heal.

We suffer less, have our good moments plus hope is still alive.

We have improved incrementally but remain a prisoner of our abuse.

Taking action brings satisfaction, changes us from victim to survivor instantly.

Giving up is a sentence of intense suffering, dark depression, and hopelessness.

When things get tough is a daily ritual for us, action is needed every day.

We must feel some power over our trauma.

I still influence what my mind latches onto.

We have power, we must find ways to use it creatively.

Happy healing!

Filling in Idle moments

PTSD causes me to fill idle moments with distractions, some action or actions to occupy the space trauma covets.



It is early, 4 in the morning, up early with a sick cat, somehow I need an action that fills two hours.

My trauma thoughts of negativity and unworthiness are looming on the sideline, ready to dominate and create suffering.

This is our moment-to-moment battle for control of our brain.

We suffer if trauma gets an audience, we win if we can stay present and focused.

The road is a rollercoaster ride through life.

The alternate brings pain and suffering at higher intensities and duration.

So fight like hell for the smallest improvement.

How much healing is possible for Childhood Abuse.


My healing and improvements are not constant, not static, and not consistent.

Certain triggers, fears, and unworthiness remain with power.

I have times that are freer than other times, happier for short periods.

The issue is right below our consciousness, abuse and its damage thrive from time to time.

That terrified little boy and that betrayed college kid never feels worthy or safe for very long.

I carry my damage, my shame inside my body and mind forever. It is in there, hidden where we can not access it consciously.

At 70 my PTSD visits me daily, symptoms vary in intensity and duration from mild to severe.

One hour life is moving along, some enjoyment and ease are noticeable, then in an instant something triggers a memory., life changes back into abuse.

I do not expect healing to ever make me feel worthy or have peace of mind that I am okay.

How can I explain that to a non traumatized person?

My happiness has to exist amid my damaged brain.

Neuroscientist say our brain wired differently.

That wiring causes suffering for a lifetime, it is damaged or broken in my opinion.

It will never resemble a normal brain no matter how much rewiring you think you can accomplish.

Childhood abuse damages the child, who grows into a damaged adult.

We will never be completely free of triggers, worry, doubt, unworthiness, or anxiety.

Our best result will be a daily battle for control of our brain.

If you think total healing is possible you will suffer greatly.

My expectations are more realistic.

PTSD: HOW do we handle Loss, Failure?


Childhood abuse on its own feels like we are losers, a big failure at an early age.

Our minds are wired thinking we are failures, reinforced by an abusive caregiver, Life’s opportunities are for normal kids.



I have trophies, awards, sparkling accolades, however, these golden idols melt on PTSD’s doorstep.

External, impermanent things are shiny objects that do little to heal Ptsd!

We try like hell to extinguish PTSD’s suffering with limited results.

Improvement is possible, it is an extremely difficult existence, that’s the truth.

Do not let books, therapists, or anyone else tell you differently.

Failure and loss show up when I think, ruminate or my mind is idle.

I play solitaire while watching tv to distract myself.

It takes two actions to distract my mind from the pain.

Trauma sneaks into thought easily, seamlessly.

My failures have brought shame to my being.

We resent what has happened to us, I am outraged at my two abusers.

Ptsd can take an ancient trauma and make it come alive.

How do we handle Failure?

We suffer when failure visits, it reinforces all those unworthy thoughts we have carried.

My best efforts have isolated these failed feelings in a compartment.

It is a battle, some days that compartment works, other times PTSD breaks out.

Be aware of the inner battle, the desire for worthiness, and the pain of failure.

How much drama has PTSD caused?

How many friends has PTSD cost you?

Besides the drama involved, avoiding and isolating keeps me out of groups or friendships that demand time and effort.


I will not go out of the house at times, which limits friendships and social interaction.

I can not explain that sentiment to a non traumatized person.

He/she will never understand the power and the fear involved.

It is invisible to them, our demon.

They see weakness of character and a dysfunctional adult instead.

I value safety over having many friendships anyway.

Friends have to accept we are weird at times, have odd behavior, mood changes, and a need to be alone at times.

It is easier not to have new friends than have to explain all of our idiosyncrasies.

I am different, much different than others, my thoughts are negative, dark, and harmful at times, I avoid and isolate to escape people and their potential damage at times also.

In a way, you could say the damage has quelled any ambition to risk for anything these days.

Safety and solitude are better choices for Complex PTSD sufferers.

How do we escape the maze of childhood abuse and betrayal?

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