Posts Tagged ‘depression’

My traits from childhood abuse

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Traits from my Childhood abuse (Complex PTSD):

Fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, lack of trust, heightened sense of danger (hypervigilance), the anticipation of significant loss or worry, and a strong drive to avoid or isolate.

As everyone describes the benefits of community, of healthy attachment, we feel the opposite and take action to avoid people and organizations.

We have an issue with our safety, as a child, we never felt safe.

I think this fear drives us to isolate or avoid people.

It is hard to understand this cognitively, most feelings are subconscious, abstract, and confusing.

All of this is complicated by the way trauma is stored in a high-priority way and in a place we do not have conscious access.

PTSD has its own key to our defense mechanism, and our fear drugs (cortisol and adrenaline).

This feels like real power, real danger, and real harm.

Knowing these mechanisms of PTSD can help us navigate better.
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Our small bodies are marinated in those chemicals.”

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This sentence about child abuse and kids of alcoholics shocks me, “As children, our small bodies are marinated in those chemicals.”

It explains more accurately how PTSD impacts my body and nervous system.

We carry these hypervigilant drugs at higher resting levels than normal people without realizing it.

That makes sense.

I can not remember a time when my body was calm.

Our brains developed while we were in these hypervigilant and survivor modes.

Our brains were wired under duress and abuse, in a state of fear.

This is why we focus on spotting danger, why we worry constantly.

We live with that tightness in our solar plexus, it feels like fear, and we read it as danger.

When you value safety over all other desires, life becomes more and more narrow.

We find it extremely difficult to trust.

It is all stored in our cells and brain, our own body and mind carry PTSD through life.

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PTSD: Is happiness attainable?

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Yesterday, my nervous system and sense of danger intensified.

I am on edge, short-tempered, and on alert.

Nothing concrete, this abstract sense of fear impacts life, my behavior, and PTSD symptoms.

It is not connected to anything specific.

At times, this battle inside my brain wreaks havoc on my being.

It is an ominous feeling, a foreboding sense of doom that has followed me since childhood.

Do normal people have thoughts and feelings like this?

After numerous attempts to calm everything down failed, I accepted these awkward feelings and went on with my day.

Oh, I am acutely aware of how my nervous system nears tilt again.

PTSD steals life away, every day I battle for my sanity.

Is Happiness unattainable for us?

I would settle for a cessation of suffering!
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PTSD: Our Nervous System

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I inherited a flighty or elevated nervous system from my mother.

She was an extremely emotional person, easily excited, and a constant worrier.

Worry intensifies anxiety, a vicious cycle.

An elevated nervous system impacts the intensity with which I experience PTSD.

My fight or flight mechanism paralyzes me with the gigantic shock to my solar plexus, a numbing feeling of terror.

I freeze or flee as quickly as possible, it is hard to fight when you can barely move.

Those were my early days of PTSD.

It took five years of meditating 5 hours a day for me to calm my fight or flight mechanism.

Now PTSD has changed and haunts me in thought and a different kind of internal fear.

PTSD brings depression, a lethal one-two punch.
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PTSD: Hyper-vigilance and fear

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Triggered the other day, I became more hyper-vigilant for a couple of days.

I am acutely aware, super sensitive to external stimuli while feeling extremely vulnerable.

This is PTSDs mechanism of influence and control.

Everything is heightened as my body recoils, bracing for my fight or flight to fire.

Perceived dangers have multiplied, thinking is compromised, and my nervous system is on high alert.

No physical danger exists, it is all perceived emotional damage I fear.

It feels real, my body’s physical mechanisms for protection are near tilt.

Feels like I am going into battle or my PTSD symptoms have exploded.

I would avoid and isolate however I have outings planned with my grandkids.

Sometimes I can block out most of the world, and feel like I am wearing a protective shield around me, impenetrable and safe.

My mind wants to focus on past triggers, feelings of danger, and vulnerability.

Thoughts of what if and worst-case scenarios fly by my consciousness.

Thoughts interrupt my serenity, perceived fear wants control.

How will I handle today?

It is emotionally draining as the fear seems real.
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PTSD: Blatant facts:

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Blatant facts: PTSD thoughts hide at an extremely shallow depth.

Piercing the surface is child’s play for them.

What a visual!!!!!!!

In my daily world, these thoughts haunt me, I want answers, accountability, responsibility, and justice.

None of that shit is ever going to happen.

There are few answers, and thousands of questions, we will never know or understand.

My PTSD self is elusive, he benignly senses danger.

It is hard to know what is real, and what is perceived, especially when you agitate my PTSD emotions or triggers.

I have reacted to perceived triggers over and over and over with no solution in sight.

Triggers can be unplugged, calmed, or handled, but not eliminated or controlled.

They happen outside our control, external and internal forces collide.

This has been a violent, drama-filled life.

Fear of failure should be on my gravestone.

That is hard to write.

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How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

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I have done therapy for a decade, applied what I learned, then meditated rigorously, and my life is still a mess.

My trauma visits me like war visits a veteran, every day we tussle.

It is a haunting existence, a bad dream, a never-ending disorder.

It has become a miserable standoff, PTSD occupies way too much time in my life.

I learned not to trust at the earliest age.

Betrayal and abandonment from a caregiver have dire consequences.

My father isolated me, he forced me to be a loner for more control.

Life was harsh, abuse and betrayal scarred me, I am an outcast.

Why does PTSD bring so much suffering in my life, so little happiness or peace of mind?

How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

How can it wield such power?
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Is PTSD fear real?

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PTSD is confusing to me, trauma is stored under such duress, fear, and anxiety it is distorted.

We never understand PTSD, we know many things about it, the symptoms, and body mechanisms but solutions and clarity are rare.

Somehow the past comes alive, and an internal battle wages to keep us safe.

Fear and anxiety become unwanted lifelong companions.

Is this fear real?

Is PTSD fear real?
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PTSD: Surviving

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PTSD has grown, maturing through the years.

Early on the challenge was my fight or flight mechanism firing, then the intrusive thoughts bombarded my being, followed by depression, and finally anger and resentment.

Anxiety, fear, and worry are always present.

PTSD at its core is subconscious fear.

We fear this abstract, perceived danger may happen again.

This fear emanates from deep inside, for abused kids, it has always been present.

PTSD will become a battle inside our heads, between our ears for life.

A subconscious, shadow world of trauma and suffering exists below the surface.

I live a large part of my life dealing with these PTSD thoughts and emotions.

It has been a harsh life.

I survive.

I survive with little trust and few attachments.

PTSD has been hard on desire, danger kills desire, and safety becomes precious as gold.

We isolate ourselves for protection and survival in our minds.

If we felt safe we would attach much more, mingle effortlessly, and be like normal people.
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Depression is our lonely villain

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Depression is our lonely villain, he/she takes over after the ravages of PTSD’s consequences.

I think PTSD proceeds into depression as we age.

If we have PTSD, we will be depressed, guaranteed.

PTSD is lifestyle threatening, we avoid, deny, isolate and become hypervigilant, reclusive, and afraid.

After the therapies, after all the reading, applying, navigating, intuitives, meditation, exposure therapy, cognitive therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, etc. Etc. Etc., life sucks.

More therapy is a repetition, sort of diminishing returns for me.

Like many vets who survived the war without trauma, later life is a different story.

That once stoic facade melts away when PTSD explodes.

Life changes overnight for these poor souls.

I had no idea PTSD was alive inside me until a crisis later in life exploded into my consciousness.

Older and weakened this onslaught had drastic consequences.

I have experienced PTSD EXPLODING from a crisis, then year’s later a hidden trauma, a betrayal deeply buried changed my life forever.

There are so many hidden traumatic memories, cloudy experiences from the past, and a sort of haunting beneath the surface.

Even if I win these battles, happiness, and peace of mind are complete strangers.

A crisis does not cultivate happiness or trust.
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