Posts Tagged ‘depression’

15 Sep

Unused Emotions: Warning; sarcasm and gallows humor ahead!!

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

You Can Stop Apologizing for Your Sick Sense of Humor!

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/498281146262541482/

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My PTSD symptoms have developed into habits, some emotions have been tamped down, almost buried.

I feel the void watching others interact, watching such trusting and kind emotions surface.

Defenses are down, they display warmth, I am envious, a coldness engulfs me.

I do not feel what they feel? Why is what they do worthless to me?

People laugh out loud, hug each other, seem to absorb great emotional rewards, valuable property. They smile and I guess life is good.

This sharing and community must be happiness. What do they feel?

Memories and terror are absent from their demeanors, their behavior. I do not feel safe, free, exuberant emotions, not in private, not in public.

I have no idea what this abstract thing they enjoy, it seems to fulfill them. Makes me uncomfortable.

They have some special connection, attachment, some secret communication of knowing, trusting. I think they developed this in childhood, the security they feel is also foreign to me.

I have not and do not feel these emotions and never would I trust people like this.

Why have certain emotions been absent from my life? When others have warm inclusive feelings, mine are cold, watching for danger.

Have they not been betrayed, publically humiliated, beaten half to death as a kid?

Oh, I love gallows humor, you have to laugh at what we were born into.

If you do not believe in reincarnation, childhood abuse sucks.

If I ignored my PTSD, did nothing to heal, I would expect to suffer.

Why does my PTSD haunt me after a decade-plus of intense effort?

I navigate life in a narrow alley of confusion, anxiety, and terror, finally absent of guilt.

Words can not explain the emotion of unworthiness at my core.

How could my friends understand my feelings, understand my words, or what my life is like?

How should I look at my life at 70, hope for healing by 80?

Sarcasm and gallows humor. Depression is so serious.

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14 Sep

Why are intrusive thoughts (trauma memories) so destructive?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/19632948360919124/

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Childhood abuse (PTSD) changes life, memories are abnormal.

Our memories are experienced (felt) through the emotional prism of worthlessness, damage, failure, or abuse.

Abused kids feel worthless, flawed, or just too damaged for anyone to love or respect.

My intrusive thoughts carry these sentiments, it makes them powerful and scary. As innocent children, we never understood being beaten, raped or emotionally terrorized.

They are not normal memories, highly charged as Stephen Cope describes, “Sometimes we encounter experiences that so violate our sense of safety, order, predictability, and right, that we feel utterly overwhelmed—unable to integrate, and simply unable to go on as before.”

My whole childhood violated my sense of safety, emotionally which has left an indelible mark.

How are we ever supposed to feel safe, normal? We carry a form of terror that changed the size of certain brain organs and functions.

Our nervous systems do not resemble a regular person’s nervous system.

They do not experience the terror, the hyper-vigilance, the flashbacks, the adrenal stress response firing repeatedly, the intrusive thoughts, the emotional deregulation, the avoidance, and the loneliness of complex PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts have the emotional content we felt when abused, they transport us back in time or bring the past to life.

My intrusive thoughts become a rapid, non-stop assault on my wellbeing. It is part of the vapor my brain brings every day, part of the 60,000 thoughts that cross my consciousness daily.

They never stop or slow down when triggered.

Unfortunately, we carry this abuse with us, whether we improve or falter, childhood trauma will always be with us.

I did not have a choice at birth, I did not have any skills as a child to defend myself.

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I have always been afraid of what will happen next, even on my best day.

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When I look back on my life, my memories carry extreme humiliation and worthlessness, they will haunt me till I die.

We can improve, have brief moments of calm but we will never heal, never be free from PTSD exploding.

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13 Sep

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Symptoms

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/467530005046215647/.

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Mayo Clinic: Ptsd

Symptoms

Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may start within one month of a traumatic event, but sometimes symptoms may not appear until years after the event. These symptoms cause significant problems in social or work situations and in relationships. They can also interfere with your ability to go about your normal daily tasks.

PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. Symptoms can vary over time or vary from person to person.

Intrusive memories

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

  • Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
  • Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
  • Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event
  • Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event

Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

Negative changes in thinking and mood

Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:

  • Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships
  • Feeling detached from family and friends
  • Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Difficulty experiencing positive emotions
  • Feeling emotionally numb

Changes in physical and emotional reactions

Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Always being on guard for danger
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame

For children 6 years old and younger, signs and symptoms may also include:

  • Re-enacting the traumatic event or aspects of the traumatic event through play
  • Frightening dreams that may or may not include aspects of the traumatic event

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31 Jul

Psychiatric Medication Management

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Do not pray for an easy life. Have we not all wished for a different childhood?

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From Benson Health Clinic

“Medication Management is a behavioral health service that we offer, in which our nurse practitioners will diagnose, prescribe and manage a medication plan that fits your health care needs.

When is psychiatric medication helpful?

Psychiatric medication can help decrease or eliminate symptoms caused by behavioral health conditions such as anxiety, depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, Ptsd, and bipolar disorder. While some conditions require medication to help with chemical imbalances in the brain, psychiatric medications are not necessary for everyone with behavioral health concerns.”

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This is from the clinic I have an appointment in a couple of weeks.

https://bensonhealthclinic.com/behavioral-health-services-eugene/psychiatric-medication-management/

The intake form has an Adverse Childhood Experience questionnaire with complete history. Almost scary to see my symptoms in writing. I recommend filling the forms out for yourself. It is much different to see on paper what floats in our heads.

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My two cents: This is a glaring void on my healing journey.

The tools of diagnosing a specific medication have arrived.

I know many people who have said they have been in therapy 15, 17, 20 years without ever questioning the meds.

Few therapists will ever recommend this avenue of healing.

Healing contains both meds and therapy, like body and mind go together.

Check out the website and see if a Practioner is near you.

My healing journey has been way out of balance, all therapy and intense work on my own.

We have to be aware, adapt, and change course many times, we get lost and stuck.

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30 Jul

Control: another side most do not see

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/281543713750855/

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Someone in the Kundalini meditation group commented, that my childhood abuse and betrayal in college, was out of my control.

He thought that was key to absolving me and thus breakthrough healing.

I guess that’s what it looks like from afar.

Actually, having no control over being abused in childhood then betrayed in college, brought doubt, worry, and fear.

I was not even there when my girlfriend had sex with 15 guys, but I damn sure was publicly humiliated.

I controlled the risk of ever being betrayed in a relationship again, I never trusted my future mates. My first venture into love would be my last, I did not even realize you could be destroyed by a mate’s actions.

I guess, abused kids are addicted to control, trying to limit risk and avoid betrayal at all costs.

We sabotage our own lives, make decisions based upon fear, I am guilty. Betrayal thoughts brought intense bodily reactions, strong emotions of anger and hate.

Control has damaged my life, I can not figure out if too little or too much was the cause?

I am always on guard for the unknown betrayal or attack. Feeling safe has never existed for me, I was in danger around my dad, everyday.

Normal people think they have a certain amount of control in their lives, that delusion lives a lifetime for them.

We have no control.

Remember that tsunami in Japan, where a small village on the coast was wiped out, two in the morning, residents asleep in bed, thinking they were in control, safe.

Childhood abuse exists in my earliest memories, I controlled nothing, I was innocent, a kid, he even tried to steal my thoughts.

Billionaires can get cancer, have a mental illness, lose family and suffer just like us, no control, they just have more influence and protection.

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29 Jul

Escaping trauma: Is it possible ?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/2744449763904914/

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Lately, intrusive thoughts have bombarded my consciousness, strong negative feelings add to the awkwardness of enduring this onslaught.

At some point, I try to escape, looking for help, looking for any skill that can curb the pain.

I want to scream for help!

At all costs refrain from sharing Ptsd with friends, hide as much as possible, act as normal as possible.

Smile and act like everything is peachy, squash triggers, and act strong, deny you have PTSD.

They will never understand, they will insult your suffering in the end. Normal people need to believe everything can be fixed, repaired like new in their world.

Rain on that parade and they will attack you.

My blog is the one safe place I can share my experience.

Yesterday, I sat in the middle of my trauma, not moving, not trying to avoid or fix it.

I have tried everything else.

Maybe it will get tired and collapse.

My willpower against traumas.

Who knows the winner of this, not me?

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28 Jul

Simon Biles: Is this a Ptsd teaching moment

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/350436414736916943/

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Let’s look at how amateur athletes are treated, then female athletes, finally sexually abused athletes.

We better hide our symptoms and have courage and perform like nothing is wrong.

Remember, Larry Nassar, the United States gymnasts physician who molested hundreds of our top female athletes.

Simon Bikes was his most famous victim, lest our great men sports writers forget.

Look at how they eviscerate her. She was triggered, we understand triggers can happen at anyt time. Especially under high stress and fear.

Three articles: Piers Morgan suggests Simon Biles is “pathetic, gutless, cowardly” for quitting.

.https://www.rawstory.com/piers-morgan-simone-biles/

https://spectatorworld.com/life/simone-biles-tokyo-olympics-gymnastics-quit-mental-health/

https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2021/07/27/jason_whitlock_simone_biles_is_a_coward_i_dont_like_the_lack_of_expectations_for_greatness.html

She said it feels like the weight of the world is on her.

She stepped down to take care of her mental health.

She was triggered going back into her trauma environment and high pressure.

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Do you think other girls will want to compete?

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Did she do the correct thing for her well-being?

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28 Jul

Childhood abuse is much more than beatings and criticism.

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/386394843007801323/

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I was programmed intentionally by my dad, he wanted his desires to be my desires, it was life and death, he beat me to make sure I understood.

He enjoyed beating me, making me afraid of him, he got a release out of it. Why would you beat me once a week for puking lima beans throughout childhood?

The pressure to perform held all my self-worth, he pounded that into me.

Some things could be worse than death in his eyes.

He demanded I be twice as good as everyone else, all my self-worth he granted me was connected to performance. I did not generate much self-worth on my own in this abusive atmosphere.

No wonder I was good, fear is a great motivator.

I did not understand I was a separate being, autonomous with my desires.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/12525705203642314/

My dad did everything to kill my self, he wanted total ownership. That’s hard to comprehend for most people.

When you look at this from the lens of a narcissist, it makes sense.

His empathy centers are not working, the only thing he sees is the benefit he has wanted since I was born.

My dad failed, got his girl pregnant at 16, dropped out of high school, then resented the shit out of me for complicating his teenage years.

Having sex does not make you a parent.

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27 Jul

Coping skills faltering

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

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This is how I cope, distract my trauma from ruminating.

I watch tv and play solitaire at the same time, trying to distract my mind away from my trauma.

My mind and the thoughts generated are the enemies.

When activated like this, emotional and physical dangers feel imminent.

It’s all abstract and irrational but feels real and immediate.

Depression is such a different animal than Ptsd.

Ptsd has energy, anxiety, fear, momentum; depression sucks the life out of you.

I am a ping pong ball, volleyed back and forth between depression and panic.

Looking back at 70, violence, emotional and physical, has always been part of my life.

My dad drilled into me failure was worse than death.

He had his heart set on me making him famous, my safety meant nothing to him, failure to perform was worse than death.

I never attempted to unplug this trait, it was accepted as part of who I was.

Childhood abuse is much more than beatings and criticism.

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25 Jul

What is the Purpose of Life?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

pixabay Comfreak

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What is the purpose of life?

First, abused kids purpose will be drastically different than a normal kids.

We are separated at birth, an abused kids life will have more early death, cancer, addiction, pain, suffering, and mental illness.

It’s like as kids we were on different planets, one supportive and one abusive, damaging.

I have never had a purpose of my own, my dad and mom told me who I was and what I would be, a pro baseball player.

That ended at 27, I have been wandering ever since.

I have friends who are happy to lucky, life is an adventure, and their purpose is evident for them.

They live a life I am not familiar with.

Purpose has a hard time living in a container of trauma, fear, and anxiety.

Purpose becomes trying to survive, trying to diminish pain, trying to be normal.

Living is painful, I suffer enough that life feels worthless.

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