Posts Tagged ‘C-PTSD’

My mind is the Issue……..he runs on his own at times



Mood swings, intense emotions, and social anxiety are how PTSD manifests itself.

Depression has extinguished desire, or desire has extinguished depression.

Apathy has resulted in a lack of self-care.

I do not recognize myself.

My daughter says the force of nature she has known me to be is gone.

I hate the mood swings, but my mind continues to switch, dramatically at times.

It takes energy and time to unplug these disruptive moods.

Is your mind out of control at times?

These mood swings and thoughts come out from either of the minds, 60,000 thoughts a day neuroscientists tell us to cross our path.

That’s what a normal mind endures, a mind abused in childhood is dominated by intense, dangerous thoughts.

Most people do not connect the consequences on our life.

Most of our time is spent handling trauma, mood swings, avoiding, navigating around triggers, or keeping busy with distractions.

Social anxiety is an acute form of avoidance, add quarantine, masks, and six-foot distance required and I am a mess.

My inability to feel safe around people or trust them explains how my childhood abuse manifests itself.

I fight to stay present, absent of any mood, letting go of any trauma-related behavior.

PTSD runs without my input, intrusive thoughts arrive, rapid-fire like a Gatling gun taking aim.

It’s like our mind has something sinister running it.

Others do not have this burden to carry.

It’s not cancer, or blindness, etc. it’s invisible to everyone.

A dilemma for us.



PTSD: Beyond Symptoms


Most of my harsh PTSD physical symptoms have faded or been reduced to a low level through my healing efforts.

Hypervigilance, triggers firing, high anxiety and raging fear have subsided.

Besides depression and low-level anxiety, PTSD’s impact shows up in avoidance, isolation, the lack of desire to trust or bond with people.

What relationships I have left on this planet are shallow except for my kids and grandkids.

You will not find me on Facebook claiming 100’s of friends in a relaxed setting.

I do not have family pictures on my walls, or self-portraits, my ego was obliterated by my father’s abuse.

My life does not contain what normal people crave. I am ok with that.

My daughter tells me Facebook is for connecting to all your friends and family, keeping them apprised of our life.

I have had no use for this platform at any time in my life.

This blog is my outreach. Trying to share and support other traumatized people is my Facebook, I guess.

I do not trust putting myself out there in a public forum.

My life deals with the danger and possible betrayal posed by people, not the joy of needing small talk with others to feel included.

How am I supposed to trust, be relaxed enough to risk being vulnerable, when I fear what people will do to me?

Am I supposed to care about attaching to others more than my safety?

What is the benefit for me? Does it overcome the risk of betrayal?


We avoid, lack the composure to feel safe around people.

Being seriously abused as a kid has a lifetime of suffering and isolation waiting for you.

I may heal but I will never trust people.

I am ok with that.

I am not a victim, by necessity I have had to learn to need very little to navigate life.

I fear people way more than Ptsd. Trust was something that I used once, with one person, and that public betrayal changed my life forever.

Happiness and trust do not mix in my mind or life.

My happiness does not contain what others think happiness consists of.

That’s alright with me also.



Real Fear versus PTSD Fear



This is what PTSD fear looks like to others watching us.

They see no danger, we feel like we are on a ledge 100 stories high, our fight or flight mechanism explodes.

My trauma drugs have stopped dumping into my nervous system, that part of my PTSD has gone dormant.

Focused breathing practice every day for months made the mechanism friendly.

Our defense mechanism, the fight or flight mechanism, called the adrenal stress response by the professionals, have no intention or emotional feelings.

When we face an imminent threat, our defense mechanism fires before thought, before any cognitive function, in fact, parts of the mind shut down to prioritize our best chance at surviving.

PTSD highjacks this mechanism, firing it erroneously at old non-lethal trauma thoughts.

PTSD has access to the on/off switch.

At my worst, my fight or flight mechanism was firing over 15 times a day.

The moral of this story eluded me, I was not damaged, imminent danger never showed up, in 15 minutes my nervous system was back to my normal.

Was I damaged? No! Why did I continue to fear I would be hurt?

I had no answer to that question.

I was deathly afraid of this mechanism firing, avoided every chance a trigger had at igniting.

No real danger exists inside this mechanism, know that the narrative of trauma drives our fears.

Our thoughts and emotions make the fight or flight scary.

I sat in the middle of my trigger firing, focused on my breath and the corresponding body sensations. I stayed present, focused which help integrate trauma to the present moment.

My fight or flight mechanism stopped firing for triggers in due time.

This is half the battle.



“Coping with traumatic-related dissociation”: Core Beliefs


Chronically traumatized people often suffer from persistent core beliefs.

These are deeply rooted convictions that typically involve all-or-nothing thinking without balance or nuance.

“Things never work out for me,” “People always try to hurt me,” I am completely stupid and unlovable,” or ” There is no safe place.”.

These beliefs often contain words like always, never, or none. Such thoughts and beliefs can profoundly influence, reinforce, and intensify negative emotions.

Negative core beliefs are reinforced over time by negative emotions, perception, and predictions, and by additional negative life experiences.

The same is true for positive core beliefs and attendant receptions, emotions, and experiences.



My two cents: It Seems affirmations and mantras are good practices to combat these negative core beliefs.

Our biggest crime is leaving our minds unattended.

Rick Hanson in “Buddha’s Brain” details how negative thought is like Velcro while positive is like Teflon.

PTSD thoughts and emotions are Velcro on steroids.

Observing our mind in its minute-to-minute existence is crucial for our wellbeing.



Do not focus on limitations, find a small specific goal to relentlessly pursue.


PTSD confuses the mind it inhabits with symptoms that prepare him/her for an imminent threat. This scenario is part of survival mode, a highly charged emotional state of danger, followed by an avoidance, a denial, or a numbing freeze state of existence.

All this is complex and overpowering for any mind to handle.

Those who strive to improve know the limitations childhood abuse places on their lives.

Out of this complex crisis, we need to find simple, bulletproof ways to battle trauma.

Our rules to improve: Forget about limitations, forget about judgments, forget about healing, focus on one small specific goal at a time.

My goal is to sense and move my PTSD energy around and out of my body.

Healing is not my goal, that is way too abstract and complex.

Our goal should be within reach, practical and specific.

Obtain a goal then move to the next challenge.

Never try to address more than one symptom at a time.

We are using a laser, pinpointing a small specific goal, not a shotgun approach.

Let go of all those judgments and predictions, stay focused in the moment with our goal as our bellwether.

Questions we search for: What is PTSD’s favorite emotion?

What is his favorite narrative?

What are his patterns?

Feel its energy flowing inside, sense its purpose, and roadmap.

Know thy enemy intimately, knowledge is power in this battle.

Know your PTSD micro-energy movements and behavior.

I have a one-word chant, a mantra to open my heart, solar plexus for me, a release word to say when trauma energy is present.

It is Yam, pronounced Yaam, a simple vibration to focus on opening and releasing my PTSD energy.

If nothing else it is something to focus on instead of the narrative.

Simple execution, practice the mantra during the day, then apply anytime we sense PTSD energy flowing.

Simplify the goal, use intense focus and awareness, practice daily with intent.

In my mind I relentlessly pursue my small, specific goal daily.

We need to see ourselves as warriors not victims, not helpless.

Good hunting!



We are the Shepard, the Ego is the sheep.


Theranos CEO Elisabeth Holmes, Our example of an Ego gone crazy.


We are the Shepard, the Ego is the sheep.

The sheep do not make judgments for the Shepard.

The Ego is just a creation of the mind without origin or power source.

Egos give massive power to accomplishment, status, looks, smarts, and wins.

None of that matters when we die and leave this planet.

I think most have heard of the Theranos gal, Elisabeth Holmes, who claimed to invent a world-changing blood test.

This documentary details how an out-of-control Ego is never, ever satisfied.

My Ego judged her Ego as narcissistic or deranged, someone who claimed to be greater than Thomas Edison and named her fake machine, “The Edison”.

These are grandiose Egos, abused kids marvel at how people like this can claim such importance.

She feels power and confidence in the middle of this scam’s meltdown.

An Ego like this will never admit wrongdoing or failure.

Some Egos will never admit loss, defeat, ever.

Our PTSD Ego acts differently.

We avoid, we feel danger, fear, and mistrust groups of people. We would never be outbragging in the face of a scam like this.

With my skill set, I could have coached so many kids in baseball.

With my abuse, the parents keep me away, I do not need any more drama or criticism.

I would coach the kids without the parents and enjoy it.

PTSD limits life without us understanding the reason.

I need to expand my boundaries, I need too badly but I lack the desire to be around people.

It is sad, I guess, I have never trusted people so it is familiar and safe for me.

Happiness is never experienced around people for me.



Rudid96 asks is the Ego bad? ………….No!




“Is the Ego all ‘bad’? Is it the repository of false thoughts, feelings, & actions? Or, does it hold some value? I was wondering if all those thoughts were a form of energy gone awry? In the grand scheme of life, even coach roaches hold some value.”



My two cents: The Ego is created to separate us or identify us from others. I am Marty, you are Rudid96, my rewards and punishments can be properly distributed from society.

One more time Rudid96, my meditation practice, or my ability to focus intently on my breath, allows me to take a step back and observe my Ego.

We are not obligated to ever listen to our Ego.



Let the Ego identity us, then let loose of those voids, the need for constant approval, the curse of worrying, doubting, and separating.

Stay present, observe what the senses bring to you, refrain from judgment.

In this space, the ego has faded from consciousness, reality is available for us.

Dissociation, thinking about things in the past or future is the highway for the “Ego” to gain control of us.

The “Ego” is a positive creation for normal kids and a damaged one for abused kids.

Our childhood abuse helped create an unworthy Ego filled with shame, failure, and unworthiness.

The next issue to maneuver stems from the Ego never feeling equal to another equal.

That can lead to drama, turmoil, and harsh emotions without proper perspective.

We can change the Ego, alter some of the abusive thoughts into more positive feelings.

Our goal is to keep the Ego’s desires in perspective.

In common man terms, the Ego is the cognitive invention, he/she compares everything and everyone it encounters, then adds strong emotions to gain power.

The true self is the heartfelt intuition that arrives from deep inside.

Our intuition is the opposite of thought, it is our true compass.

The Ego is clueless for direction and impact on our life.

The Ego’s behavior is harmful at times, we need to know when he/she goes astray.

Long-time meditating monks navigate life with so much less ego than us.

Does that explain why they enjoy such a euphoric existence?


I think wonderment happens when we are not involved in thought.


Thought is not the greatest power of our mind, in fact it is a small part of our capability.

You can not find the Ego without connection to thought.

We should try to think as little as possible. Limit dissociation and suffering, direct thought, never wander into memory.



Mindfulness: the opposite of the Ego


The ego grasps identity, selects strong emotions, needs approval, achievement, and a sense of superiority.

Mindfulness is about letting go, bringing perspective to desires.

The ego is rigid and narrow, mindful flexible, and expansive.

The ego is created, mindful just is.

The ego thrives in dissociation, mindful only knows this present moment.

The ego feels isolated, better or worse not equal, the mindful totally connected to one another and things.

The ego is like a prison, the mindful freedom, the universe.

The ego always needs, unfettered desire, the mindful, fulfilled with life exactly like it is.

The ego judges, the mindful accepts, observes.

The ego avoids, the mindful stays even when vulnerable.

The ego has goals, the mindful a journey.

The ego restricts growth, the mindful unlimited opportunity.


The ego feels unworthy, the mindful complete.

The ego races, the mindful enjoys, slows.

The ego affiliates with anger, hate, resentment, the mindful has perspective and balance when expressing emotions.

The ego is lonely, the mindful at peace.

The ego is sad, the mindful happy.

The ego never feels equal to another, the mindful lives in harmony.

The ego immerses itself in drama, the mindful stays calm.

The ego suffers, the mindful endure pain without suffering.



What does improving (healing) feel like, look like?


In the beginning, PTSD was a stranger, an unknown entity.

It took me six months of discovery and reading to understand what Ptsd was all about. Finding therapies and skills to heal took more time.

Then, healing only arrived with great effort, the results were subtle, unnoticed for days and weeks.

In my healing period, I could feel a shift inside, then a couple of days later, calm would arrive.

For me, a couple of days of nirvana-type feelings surrounded me before the next buried trauma arrived.

At other times, it was like I took a few side steps, changing the angle my trauma was viewed.

This different landscape changed the power of Ptsd.

In my opinion, those two steps to the side were away from my Ego.

Healing looks and feels different than we can ever imagine.

Without the Egos penchant for drama, bias, and turmoil, reality looks much different.

The ability to be flexible, to be able to change and adapt is key to wellbeing.

Get to know your Ego, his/her tendencies, vulnerabilities, judgments.

What is your Ego’s favorite emotion?

What is your Ego’s favorite narrative?

How can you battle a ghost, get to know your mind, your mind’s creation, the Ego!



Takes more than courage to improve



Being able to observe your fear without thinking, judging, or avoiding takes skill.

First, you must lose your fear of the fight or flight mechanism! If we deny or avoid Ptsd grows.

If we are always a part of our fear, we suffer.

When we learn to step away and observe life changes.


Sitting quietly in silence, focused on my breath, built the weapon to unplug my fight or flight mechanism.

This is a neuroscientific fact. Focused Meditation engages our parasympathetic nervous system, applying the brakes.

Cortisol and adrenaline are dissipated as our body resets to calm.

It is not just courage we need, we need this skill, this weapon, to face our fears.

Practice breathing slowly when you are calm, listen for the sound of you exhales and inhales, feel the sensations in the body.

When you successfully stay present, focused on the breath and the body sensations as the fight or flight mechanism fires life changes.

This is the mechanical side of PTSD.

I have improved, the skills obtained from daily practice have made my life better.

I am a work in progress.



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