Posts Tagged ‘C-PTSD’


From Forgiving What you can not Forget



“It presses into the deepest places from which we loved, causing such pain we often don’t know how to make sense of the despair.

Memories as crystal clear as if they were happening right now dance in front of us, letting us see the beauty of what used to be our life on replay.

But those replays make us cry.

Seeing what once was is as cruel as it is beautiful.

Loss indeed is a crucible.“




Crucible: a noun

  1. a container of metal or refractory material employed for heating substances to high temperatures.
  2. Metallurgy. a hollow area at the bottom of a furnace in which the metal collects.
  3. a severe, searching test or trial..



What is the Purpose of Life?

pixabay Comfreak



What is the purpose of life?

First, abused kids purpose will be drastically different than a normal kids.

We are separated at birth, an abused kids life will have more early death, cancer, addiction, pain, suffering, and mental illness.

It’s like as kids we were on different planets, one supportive and one abusive, damaging.

I have never had a purpose of my own, my dad and mom told me who I was and what I would be, a pro baseball player.

That ended at 27, I have been wandering ever since.

I have friends who are happy to lucky, life is an adventure, and their purpose is evident for them.

They live a life I am not familiar with.

Purpose has a hard time living in a container of trauma, fear, and anxiety.

Purpose becomes trying to survive, trying to diminish pain, trying to be normal.

Living is painful, I suffer enough that life feels worthless.



Obsessed: a sports analogy



From “Obsessed: The Compulsions and Creations of Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz by Steve Volk

“The catcher (your brain), gives signals to the pitcher (your consciousness).

Just as the pitcher can shake off a signal and ask the catcher for another option, our conscious mind can shake off impulses from the brain.

Some of these impulses, like quick motor reflexes, get processed and acted upon automatically.

When I see a car drifting over into my lane, I register no choice to honk the horn and move to the shoulder of the highway; I begin the actions involved before I even have full, conscious awareness of the danger.

But when I receive an impulse to eat a peach, I can shake that off—I’d rather have an apple—like the pitcher telling his catcher “no” and receiving another suggestion.

“The fact is, we behave automatically all the time,” says Schwartz.

We behave without thinking.

The brain is constantly sending us messages and thoughts and possible actions, and we can’t control what thoughts our brain is going to bring up into our awareness.

But once a thought has risen to conscious awareness, then we can step up and choose where we will focus our attention.

And the behavior we focus on is the behavior we’ll perform.”

My Bucket list



Intrusive thoughts are the ptsd symptom that dominates my life now.

Each day arrives with thoughts of trepidation and fear.

My main goal is security at all costs. What others think is worth a risk, holds no desire for me.

I am not afraid of my intrusive thoughts, they are my mind’s daily ritual.

Without input from me, my mind generates intrusive thoughts like an automatic weapon firing.

They do not trigger my nervous system, they ignite depression and unworthiness.

I am terrified of sharing the darkest ones with anyone.

I hide my thoughts and the way I live to survive.

It is embarrassing.

If you told me I have a month to live, I am not going to travel to some exotic place or change anything.

My bucket list holds only one item.

I have zero desire to travel or congregate with others. Give me the ability to trust and enjoy a few things.

Being healed.



Life has been about enduring pain



Life has been about enduring pain, enduring abuse, living without ever feeling worthy.

Being yelled at screamed at, then violently assaulted dominated my early years.

Life has been violent since my early childhood, the fear and anxiety never left.

If I had a choice, why would I choose to be born into this suffering?

How many abused kids feel the same way?

At 70, I have suffered a complete life, it is a fact.

Why did we lose the birth lottery, why were we the kids chosen to suffer?

The physical abuse fades, the emotional last a lifetime.

I have always dreamed about being different, worthy.



Fear of Failure



Fear of failing kept me alive during my childhood, helped me to survive my dad.

It felt like a symptom of abuse (Ptsd), like hypervigilance or dissociation.

I always knew physical and emotional punishment would be the consequence of any failure as a kid.

My father was brutal with his criticism, I needed to be twice as good as everyone else, not just win.

He did not select me because of my superior talent, it was his narcissistic desire for stardom through his first child.

This mindset has never left me subconsciously, I find it brings worry, and doubt to this day.

Can you find habits from childhood that shape your life today?

Fear of failure is jet fuel for the inner critic.

My father made my self-worth dependant on my performance, I could lose everything each day with a failure.

I could be worthless in his eyes by how I performed on a competitive field.

Fear of failure allowed a mediocre athlete like me to play professional baseball.

Oh, it is great for performance, outstanding accomplishments are celebrated.

Well-being is replaced with hollow trophies, self worth is all based on tomorrows performance.

At 70, I still fear failure at anything.

It is another invisible prison, like PTSD.



My Blog may not be helpful lately

My intrusive thoughts never stop at times, normal people can not comprehend this or experience it. I do not dig up intrusive trauma thoughts they arrive on their own.



My leading, helping others out has been sparse or nonexistent lately, PTSD is alive and persistent, overbearing, powerful, I strain for the correct description.

At my worst, life stopped, I could not leave the house, I was frozen, shaking for hours, darkness marked another day survived.

My fight or flight exploded 15 times a day, I was agoraphobic, irrational fear, and anxiety imprisoned me. My prescribing Ph.D. psychologist had me on 350 milligrams of effector, a normal dose is 75.

Life was horrible. He thought I was messed up.

My mind could not handle a nervous system tilted upside down, I had lost control of everything, I reacted and suffered.

All my work has calmed my physical symptoms adequately, it is the intrusive thoughts, my mind thinking that haunts my waking hours.

My mind is out of control again, intrusive thoughts, trauma memories run constantly.

Thoughts arrive without our input, an abused kid’s thoughts could not be more different, more trauma laced, more negative, or more destructive than a normal child’s. An abused kids thoughts trigger ptsd, fear, and anxiety.

All my tools, grounding skills, focus skills, tricks, and meditating focus have minimal impact.

I am worn out physically and mentally right now.

It does feel like a war inside.

Depression becomes the second biggest symptom, actually co-morbid with PTSD.

Life is horrible again.

I know that is irrational but so is my whole life.

I share when things go well, why hide my challenges and losses.

I have to make sure everyone knows I am not giving up, just suffering and whining some.


Ptsd: the roller coaster ride of our life



I have tried EFT, TFT, EMDR, hypnosis, cranial sacral, acupuncture, CBT, ACT, developmental trauma therapy, EDIT, holistic, internal family system, biofeedback, two intuitives, and some actions forgotten on the journey.

Over a decade I had three therapists, two intuitives, a slew of books, and five years at a Zen center.

There is a spiritual component connected to meditation that has been a big part of my journey. Mindfulness has been an anchor on this journey.

Months we’re spent trying to apply everything learned in therapy, in books, and online.

My effort and dedication were intense and persistent, I wanted to heal completely and dedicated the last decade to this pursuit.

I exhaustively read the latest about brain science, the cutting edge therapies, the exploration of survivor traits, the mindfulness (meditation) connection, the lack of focus on the body (exercise), the absence of daily support, and the never mentioned urgency that was missing entirely.

Frustrated to be at PTSD’s mercy again, stuck, in pain, feeling like I have lost my mind, life is painful.

Times like this, life limps along, I feel wounded and extremely vulnerable.

Giving up is not an option, so the next action is checking out a chemical imbalance.

Need to either confirm or eliminate this possibility.

After that I am out of solutions.



Brainstorming with my daughter



My daughter has a degree in child psychology. Brainstorming with her for solutions, we both agree I have done enough therapy.

In childhood, our nervous system was impacted physically, not only some of its organs but synapses and other connectors.

So neurotransmitters are the concern, serotonin levels could be low.

As she lives with me, her opinion is that depression is more prominent than PTSD symptoms right now.

I have lost purpose and a desire to be around people.

It is difficult for my kid to see me this way.

I strive to improve but results are not in my control.

Meditating or therapy will not fix these deficiencies.

Wow, this would be a miracle.

Any thoughts.




Am I too damaged to heal?



Am I too damaged to heal?

There is no figure on the percentage of seriously abused kids healing.

I wonder how many adults with a one off crisis or trauma later in life heal?

What kind of odds do people like us have in healing our childhood abuse?

I would like to know my odds or chances on this journey.

Am I fighting a losing battle?

I have devoted my life full time to healing for over a decade, intense therapy, books, meditation, and practice.

If anything I have devoted too much attention trying to heal.

So for me, I was either handling my trauma trying to heal or suffering from the symptoms.

Now, I do not know which way to turn, quit messing with my trauma trying to heal or continue full force.

My mental stability and quality of life has deteriorated.

Depression seeps into my life, all that emotional hope I carried for over a decade is fading fast.



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