Posts Tagged ‘C-PTSD’

31 May

Distorted Thoughts and emotions from childhood abuse

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Unsplash


.
PTSD is like a T.V. rerun, our trauma movie of childhood collects many residuals throughout life.

Complex PTSD will always be alive, inside our body and mind, in some form until we die.

This movie is distorted, and stored while experiencing our fight or flight exploding.

Since cognition is offline, rational interpretation is impossible.

It is different for every person, the same stressor experienced by a group does not produce PTSD for everyone.

I have carried a feeling of impending doom, loss, or humiliation since my earliest memories.

Abused kids usually do not exhibit a happy-go-lucky demeanor, we are too busy spotting danger, then negotiating away or towards that danger.

For me, this process happens subconsciously. My mind is already assessing every situation before I know it.

Our trauma is stored in the same place, (the right amygdala) as our mechanism for spotting current danger.

Looking back, I never trusted or felt safe as a kid.

Some of that never goes away.

These emotions and thoughts are damaging to our mental health if we engage them for long.

Solution: Keep as present as possible during the day. Letting a mind like ours wander is a recipe for disaster.

Realize the battle is never over.

.

.

20 May

Memories that we carry from an abusive childhood

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

.

Unsplash

.
.
As a child being criticized constantly, followed by physical violence, my self-worth was destroyed.

I felt like I did not deserve or belong on this earth.

My nervous system stayed on constant alert, life was lived with anxiety and fear of abandonment.

I was always fighting an internal battle as life overwhelmed me. My early life was lived inside my head, in a make-believe world.

Living in constant fear as a kid, corrupted my view of myself and the world around me.

Now, as an old man of 71, memories arrive connected to emotional distress and anxiety.

Funny how trauma memories(implicit memories) have all the anxiety and fear of the original event.

It is how they are stored, short powerful snippets of charged emotions.

This morning an old buried, long-forgotten memory came back to life without provocation.

We never know what will surface from our childhood.

It’s hard to feel self-worth at times, while happiness is covered by traumas abstract fear.

My mind wants to engage and change the memory but that only fuels its longevity.

Best practice is to follow the breath while letting memories fade without attention.

Life is a minefield for adults with a history of childhood abuse.
.
.

14 May

I did an interview about my baseball career

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Unsplash


.
Recently, I did an interview about my baseball career. It was for a college project on a 20th-century man. (If that does not make you feel old)

First question: Tell me about your childhood.

That froze me for a long minute. My brain has this well-developed record, that plays my narrative of childhood. I know it is how I perceive my childhood, saved under duress.

How can you share in words the damage this abuse has caused me? It never goes away completely. There is a void inside me, a feeling of not being good enough.

When you are physically and emotionally abused by your caregivers, self-worth never develops. Constant criticism leads to a flawed ego, a feeling of being worthless at our core.

My memory of childhood is sparse, and limited. My ability to hide most of my childhood back then saves me from more anguish.

These images are hard to share, I bluntly state a few incidents without any hint of nuance.

My childhood is recorded as a black-and-white movie, with short snippets of violence and shouting.

So after the interview, I felt vulnerable and exposed.

Abused kids never like to be judged. I have a sense of fear about what he will write.

It’s part of our disorder, PTSD, fear, and worthlessness.

It’s hard to write and own up to it.

A PTSD life.
.
.

30 Apr

Our Thoughts are the Problem

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , .

.

.
.
Childhood PTSD (complex PTSD): It is how our brains are wired during childhood that makes our thoughts (dissociation) the problem.

From the Complex PTSD workbook: “Dissociation, like all other symptoms of C-PTSD, is a learned behavior that initially helped you cope with a threatening environment. A neglected or abused child will rely upon built-in, biological protection mechanisms for survival to “tune out” threatening experiences. In adulthood, dissociation becomes a well-maintained division between the part of you involved in keeping up with daily tasks of living and the part of you that is holding emotions of fear, shame, or anger.”

My nervous system and emotional regulation are distorted: Childhood abuse fires the fight or flight mechanism, consequently, we store these memories as traumatic.

Traumatic memories or implicit memories are stored in the right amygdala, out of reach consciously.

Our brains are wired to spot danger above all else.

We spend enormous amounts of time spotting danger.

Questions bombard us on how to avoid, face, or deny our perceived danger.

Our self-worth is damaged, and we feel vulnerable and isolated too often.

Emotional regulation is a constant issue.

Our thoughts are a big issue, for me, it is a constant battle to let go and come back to the present.

How do your thoughts impact your life?
.
.

19 Apr

Our Mindset as abused kids (Complex PTSD)

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Unsplash by Chris Saborchrissabor


.
Childhood abuse wires the brain in an atmosphere of perceived or real danger.

As an adult, we feel the world is much more dangerous than normal adults.

We are far more accomplished spotting danger, real or perceived.

Relationships and trust are problematic. We dissociate into the shadow thoughts of Complex PTSD.

We can experience mood swings when triggered by other people and situations.

Life hardly ever flows easily, we spot danger in most situations.

School is overwhelming because we are fighting a battle at home, we are compromised from the abuse.

Happy go lucky is reserved for children who were loved and supported.

It seems turmoil thrives inside our heads.

I have to work diligently, be aware, and meditate daily to curb this disorder.

Childhood trauma (complex PTSD) hard wires inside our brain development.

Our abuse happened before the brain developed, so certain parts of the brain are not online to protect us.

Be aware of our tendencies, and have a plan when things explode.

Learn better ways to cope with these feelings.

We never feel good enough, or worthy enough, in fact, we feel flawed to our core.

This is the dysfunction of complex PTSD.
.
.

7 Apr

Fear of Failure

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1638148713271-37084b2e8688?ixlib=rb-4.0.3&q=85&fm=jpg&crop=entropy&cs=srgb&dl=leah-hetteberg-A1VLL159QqI-unsplash.jpg


.
It has been a while since I posted. I needed an emotional break.

Recently, while examining my behavior and habits, fear of failure was always under the surface.

Even retired, my fear of failure influences my behavior and emotional state.

I would say many professional athletes compete out of fear of failure.

We feel it’s a trial of worthiness, every challenge, game, or tournament.

If it’s a team sport, we fear letting our teammates down.

In sports, a lack of performance leads to firing, death to who we thought we were. My mother told me God made me to be a professional baseball player. Who can I be now at 71?

Some athletes have considerable difficulty losing their supposed true identity.

Fear of failure is jet fuel for worry.

Self-worth has an enormous influence on every aspect of life.

My work is to be aware of fear’s influence, then adjust letting these emotions release.

The more that I can stay present, the better chance for equanimity.

“Equanimity is steady through vicissitudes, equally close to the things you may like and the things you do not like.” By Sheila Catherine
.
.

4 Oct

Implicit memories bring intrusive thoughts

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@kellysikkema


.
How do we define PTSD fear?

Our fight or flight mechanism firing is what we think of normal fear.

Cortisol, adrenaline gets dumped into our bloodstream along with bp, heart rate, and respiration increasing.

That deep thud in our solar plexus freezes us temporarily.

Some of PTSD fear uses the same mechanism when a trigger fires.

Other PTSD fears are more abstract, they are connected to past violent trauma

I think these are implicit memories, subconscious and abstract.

“Implicit memory relies on structures in our brain that are fully developed before we are born. Because it’s an unconscious, bodily memory, when it gets triggered in the present, it does not seem like it’s coming from the past.

Instead, it feels like it’s happening now.

Thus, we react as if we are back in the original situation.”

From These Invisible Memories Shape Our Lives
Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.

This is why PTSD feels so alive, so ever-present.
.
.

23 Sep

Implant may reduce OCD symptoms with electrical pulses

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , .

Deep brain stimulation,” or DBS, can offer significant relief to as many as two-thirds of patients with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder, a new study found. Photo by Raman Oza/Pixabay


.

by Alan Mozes, HealthDay News


When traditional treatments fail to help patients with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), an implant that zaps the brain with electrical pulses just might, a new research review shows.

It found that the remedy — known as “deep brain stimulation,” or DBS — can offer significant relief to as many as two-thirds of such patients. On average, it can reduce OCD-triggered symptoms by nearly half, the review found.

“[OCD involves] intrusive and bothersome thoughts that the individual cannot silence, and compulsions that are repetitive, ritualistic behaviors performed to reduce the anxiety produced by the compulsions,” said study author Dr. Sameer Sheth. He is an associate professor of neurosurgery at Baylor College of Medicine in Houston.

An estimated 3% of the global population is thought to be affected. For those with severe OCD that is uncontrolled, the symptoms can be “all-consuming,” Sheth said. Examples of OCD include repeated handwashing, ordering and arranging, repeating words in one’s head, and checking and double-checking.

“They can prevent the person from being able to perform other necessary activities of life, and therefore be extremely disabling,” Sheth said. “Some people cannot leave their room or home because of the cleaning rituals that would be necessary to re-enter, or cannot interact with others because of incessant taboo thoughts.”

The good news is that a combination of behavioral therapy and standard antidepressants — such as serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SRIs) — help many individuals.

The bad news: “About 10% to 20% do not respond” to those treatments, Sheth said.

Continued in response section

.

.

18 Sep

Healing spiritually

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://i2.wp.com/prettymomguide.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/kundalini-yoga.jpg


.

A decade of therapy helped me but did not stop the demon from doing damage. My spiritual healing offers me hope, calming what therapy could not.


The online kundalini group is doing a 40-day meditation on positivity (love).

Ten minutes of breath work: Inhaling for five seconds, a short pause, exhaling for five seconds followed by a 15 second pause, then repeat.

Thoughts subside with intense focus on the breath like this.

Next, we chant for ten minutes. Chanting is new for me.

We rarely chanted at the zen center, silence was cherished.

We finish with ten minutes of deep breathing.

Instructions are to think of ourselves in the most positive, healthy, and happy way.

This is a task for us. No negativity, no gossiping all day.

I am working on opening my heart and trying to heal more spiritually.

Our job is to continually find new ways to improve, then take action.

The act of trying, and never giving up sustains us during the rough times.
.
.

17 Sep

The Wounded Heart

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@jccards


.
Excerpt from The Deep Heart

“We are continuing to learn more about the origins and impacts of childhood conditioning, particularly when it comes to developmental trauma.

Researchers have discovered that children respond differently to traumatic events than adults do.

In part this is due to their undeveloped nervous system, in part due to the ongoing nature of the traumas, and in part due to the fact that their primary caretakers — those the children rely on for stability, guidance, and protection — are the source of these traumas.

Developmental traumas arise from ongoing neglect, abandonment, or abuse.

The impacts of chronic, relationally oriented trauma are pervasive and long lasting.

All aspects of children’s experiences become distorted.

Their ability to self-regulate, experience relative control and mastery, think clearly, self-soothe, take care of themselves, recognize and articulate needs and feelings, feel worthy, focus attention, learn, trust others, bond, and stay physically healthy are all compromised, sometimes severely.

Studies have shown that 75 percent of prison inmates suffer from developmental trauma.”
.
.

« Older Entries
%d bloggers like this: