Posts Tagged ‘AWARENESS’

Violence inside my head

Pixabay Pavlofox



Do normal people have the violence inside their minds that childhood abuse people experience?

It feels dangerous, harm seems imminent, screaming and confusion are out of control.

How can I describe terror in my inner world, an unsafe place for me when trauma erupts.

Yes my mind is a dangerous place for me when it is active.

More appropriate, my minds defense mechanism is broken, perceiving danger everywhere then marking traumatic memories as so important, they need to be avoided at all costs.

Think a normal friend will understand our life, our challenges.

Hard to be included with a damaged brain like this.

We need to navigate whatever works best for us.

I try to be honest, almost blunt, in my writing.



A look at my PTSD at 70

I consider my PTSD to be matured after a decade-plus of activity.

Fear and high anxiety are a thing of the past, currently, PTSD brings hopelessness and depression.

To navigate this mess, I have reduced my desires then accepted the suffering.

I have a decade-plus of therapy and intense practice, further healing will be small incrementally if at all.

Now, I try to sit in the middle of my unworthiness without judging or trying to escape.

The more willing I am to accept and surrender to the hopelessness, the better chance I have at lessening its power and duration.

Healing is a pipe dream for abused kids, our lives, mental and physical health will be compromised and we will suffer much more than non-abused (normal) kids.

Lots of empirical data to support this assumption.

The Adverse Childhood Experience proves this:

Trusting people will always be an issue, as joining any group is a big risk.

When PTSD erupts my inner world becomes a confusing battlefield, the fog of war numbs me.

Fear and anger mix, low doses of adrenaline and cortisol are secreted, then sadness overwhelms me, my past is alive again.

I sit in the middle of this old trauma, succeeding to stay present somedays and losing the battle other days.

This is my life at 70, I have the perspective of a complete life on PTSD.

It has negatively impacted every decade of my life.

I fight for free moments, healing is a pipe dream.

The most important thing is that I continue to fight.



I am Triggered

Pixabay vainodesositis



Life changes, I find myself back in that terrified little boy’s body.



Ptsd is a curse.



Will we ever feel Included, Safe?


Childhood was a time where violence and criticism reigned supreme, never a time to enjoy a safe moment.

These trauma memories unconsciously haunt my soul, impact my behavior, and steal my sanity.

I got beat and criticized enough that I trusted no one.

Life was dark, filled with failure and loss, my nervous system was always a mess.

Spotting and surviving the next crisis is how I navigated my childhood.

My purpose was self-preservation. Not very lofty, not a lot of well-being, and not much of a future.

From my earliest memories, I depended on myself, trusted no one.

Hard to rewire all that damage.

We are different, isolated, and conflicted, always an uneasy, unworthy feeling permeating life.

My bucket list has one item, being healed from Ptsd!

Will we ever feel safe, included?



Understanding and Exploiting PTSD


Ptsd is like chronic pain, she fluctuates, intensity changes and our behavior can influence the outcome.

My behavior also fluctuates, during intense activation, I play defense.

Ptsd can be overwhelming in the beginning or when another old trauma surfaces, intrusive thoughts proliferate.

With daily practice, we gain some mastery over PTSD’s power.

The stronger my ability to focus, the more power I attain.

Letting go and diffusing trauma thoughts are at the apex of our wellbeing.

It’s a simple calculation, the more time I spend in this present moment focused, the more well-being, is earned.

The more I grasp and entertain trauma memories the more I suffer.

Time spent in the past is detrimental unless we are integrating the trauma to the present moment.

Questions to ask: Can I stay present today, can I enjoy well-being?

Just for today.

Easier to fight a one-day battle than the rest of our lives.

I have an impact on today, not tomorrow.

We gain well-being by winning these small moment-to-moment battles for control.

It’s a marathon, the journey is the reward, only permanent things count.

I love the sound of us Exploiting Ptsd.

We can develop skills to exploit PTSD!



Many kids had it much worse than me!



Many kids had it far worse than I did.

I have gratitude for the skills and opportunities provided Me to survive my ordeal.

My dad wanted me to be a pro baseball player, which gave me the escape and opportunity to develop willpower and persistence.

Dad could have been a destructive alcoholic without ambition who just beat and criticized me.

He demanded I be twice as good as the other kids, cruel but such a great outlet of physical expression and accomplishment.

I was lucky.

This sentiment was hatred for a long time, but my abuse made me who I am.

Some of my father’s abuse developed incredible skills other kids never had.

My ability to perform on a baseball and basketball court/field either lessened or increased my abuse.

There was great incentive to be the very best I could be.

Psychologically, you did not want to be my opposition, I could win in so many ways. I could find weakness and exploit it.

A big monster was waiting for me outside the ring, a kid did not have a chance against me most of the time.

Unfortunately, as a teetertotter works, great strength physically is balanced by weakness socially.

These skills helped me heal the first time.

We must help those left behind.

So many suffer a lifetime from their childhood.

We have skills and tools, many are isolated, frozen, terrified, suffering.

I hope to inspire a few to take action.


Ptsd Matures as we work to minimize him/her!

Pixabay OpenClipart-Vectors


My PTSD is different from ten years ago, with no outrageous anxiety, no fight or flight mechanism firing, no great danger perceived.

Now, Ptsd presents himself cognitively, enticing my “Ego” with past emotional violations or traumatic transgressions burned into memory.

Our “Ego” feels outraged, finds power in victim mode, opportunity.

The “Ego” wants revenge, restitution, exoneration, and enormous time to cognitively wrestle with the old crap.

The “Ego” wants control, whether we suffer or not, is beyond the “Ego’s” senses.

I have spent hours wondering why me, how, and what if, till my body shook and went numb.

I am better now because my mind is more stable, focused, able to let the thoughts go immediately.

Nothing is guaranteed, know this goes a hundredfold for PTSD.

Expect trauma to be problematic, Expect to be acutely aware for the rest of your life.

Know what it takes to enjoy well-being.

The choice to fight this war is the responsibility of the person you see in the mirror.

Whatever wellbeing we attain will be earned with daily action.



Bandwidth: the energy or mental capacity required to deal with a situation. .

Pixabay geralt


On the show, “Elementary” Holmes eqates his brain to a computer with limited bandwidth.

Why fill up valuable storage with nonessential data?

PTSD uses different amounts of our bandwidth, sometimes a pinch, sometimes our soul.

Sometimes PTSD feels light, distant, other times heavy, suffocating.

It all happens inside our head, PTSD is part ghost, part monster.

At times I can step back and witness the irrational in action.

How I react to certain stimulus is more about my trauma than my well-being.

Does anyone identify with that statement?

We do irrational things at times, we feel emotionally vulnerable and frightened.

We react, feel dark emotions, feel danger, the unknown, we are kids again.

Wow, I wrote that, sometimes things come out without thought.

Kids again, heaven forbid.

As always, the more I stay present and let the thoughts go quickly, the more well-being I enjoy.

I have been doing this a long time, arriving at simple, takes hours of practice.

When PTSD recedes, life feels euphoric.

It’s the same feeling when my chronic pain receded from hiking.

My bandwidth clears itself with aerobic exercise and medication focus.

Release, let the shit go, knowing, being present, doing nothing, is better than momentary pleasure.

I can write this, but fail to live it.

It’s a war, most never see it.



What does my Practice look like?……..Spaces earned


For instance, after my morning activities, a cup of decafe, writing a post, reading the blogs and news of the day, my nervous system starts to rev up.

Instinctively, a few slow breaths give me a little space to explore.

This space to explore was earned with daily practice meditating.

I meditated when I was triggered, struggled to focus and stay present for months.

Then one day, my focused breaths calmed the monster, dissipated the cortisol and adrenaline, shocking the hell out of me.

No indication during this long journey was this guaranteed.

I felt like I was on another planet, dealing with a mind and nervous system that did whatever it felt like doing.

Finally, I witnessed the power of meditation all those books had described.

My fight or flight mechanism had reset back to my normal.

This is the mechanical side of PTSD.

Handling the intrusive thoughts and triggers becomes much easier without the adrenal stress response firing intermittently.

This space we create can be used to decide whether to react to a stimulus.

I had a second to decide before assuming an emotion or judgment.

One day a friend made a comment that immediately angered me, but in that space, I decided not to verbalize it.

I took a breath, then released that feeling.

Later, assessing the incident, I was happy for not reacting, my perception was faulty.

What we hear may not be what they intended.

I express anger much less these days.

What weakness do you react quickly, harshly to?



Matthew Ricard: assigning value, desirable-undesirable


“Mental confusion is a veil that prevents us from seeing reality clearly and clouds our understanding of the true nature of things.

Practically speaking, it is also the inability to identify the behavior that would allow us to find happiness and avoid suffering.

When we look outward, we solidify the world by projecting onto it attributes that are in no way inherent to it.

Looking inward, we freeze the flow of consciousness when we conceive of an “I” enthroned between a past that no longer exists and a future that does not yet exist.

We take it for granted that we see things as they are and rarely question that opinion.

We spontaneously assign intrinsic qualities to things and people, thinking “this is beautiful, that is ugly,” without realizing that our mind superimposes these attributes upon what we perceive.

We divide the entire world between “desirable” and “undesirable,” we ascribe permanence to ephemera and see independent entities in what is actually a network of ceaselessly changing relations.

We tend to isolate particular aspects of events, situations, and people, and to focus entirely upon these particularities.

This is how we end up labeling others as “enemies,” “good,” “evil,” et cetera, and clinging strongly to those attributions.

However, if we consider reality carefully, its complexity becomes obvious.

If one thing were truly beautiful and pleasant, if those qualities genuinely belonged to it, we could consider it desirable at all times and in all places. But is anything on earth universally and unanimously recognized as beautiful?

As the canonical Buddhist verse has it: “For the lover, a beautiful woman is an object of desire; for the hermit, a distraction; for the wolf, a good meal.”

Likewise, if an object were inherently repulsive, everyone would have good reason to avoid it.

But it changes everything to recognize that we are merely attributing these qualities to things and people.

There is no intrinsic quality in a beautiful object that makes it beneficial to the mind, and nothing in an ugly object to harm it.“



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