Posts Tagged ‘Attitude’

Was you birthright peace, contentment and joy?

Pixabay: SarahRichterArt

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This morning in the meditation group, it was said our birth right was peace and contentment, joy.

Wow, it that really true, then what happened to those of us who were abused.

I love hearing others talk about how things should be, it gives me insight into my childhood, why I am like I am.

My birth right was violent abuse, criticism and fear.

My fathers goal was to never let me feel comfortable or content, he wanted to produce the ultimate athlete.

Wonder where forced feeding falls in the contentment scale.

PTSD is the farthest thing from contentment my being has experienced.

Contentment does not mix with abuse and trauma, the last thing we experience is contentment.

I have to scour my memory to find contentment, I do not remember a time.

These sentiments, feelings or emotions others describe, I have no clue what they are.

How about you?

Was you birthright peace, contentment and joy?

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Healing takes massive change in our behavior

https://markmanson.net/

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I have made massive changes in my life to improve from childhood abuse.

Thoughts are treated like air, useless for the most part.

Those 60,000 thoughts that arrive daily, I try to allow all to flow on through.

Emotions are ephemeral, transparent and fleeting now.

Thoughts and emotions along with anxiety ruled my world for many years, that has changed.

My awareness is a main actor on life’s stage, finally.

Do no harm starts with the guy looking back at me in the mirror. No derogatory self talk or unworthiness is tolerated.

My nervous system has become my friend, an enormous change.

I am much kinder to myself, more accepting, more loving.

My gratitude grows as I battle.

I am not afraid of traum anymore.

It is still there and takes a toll from time to time.

Guilt and worry haunted me.

They have lost great power but survive.

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Do you have the Willingness to face your demons?

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My journey was a long and winding road of confusion and suffering.

Improving (healing) at times was subtle almost imperceptible.

The big gains, the shifts integrating the scariest trauma, were violent exits from my body.

It felt the same as regular PTSD, triggers erupting, violent unrest, perceived life and death fear attacking me.

Trauma was pissed off it had to leave my being. This piece had lost power, control.

It scared me the first time, I enjoyed the hell out of it everytime it happened after that.

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If we can not overcome our fear and take action, healing will never arrive.

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It has been my willingness to face my demons while sitting quietly that has been the vehicle 🚙 used to heal.

What 🚗 do you use to face your demons?

I had to start with slightly negative stimulus to practice on at first.

Slowly I worked up to more serious trauma.

It took time to build my focus and courage to trust, surrendering the first time.

My willingness to face my demons has made the biggest impact on my attitude.

Are you part of the 5% who has the willingness to take action?

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One-pointedness

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I focus on one spot when meditating, right below my nostrils, above my upper lip. I feel the cool inhales flow slowly in, then the warm air exiting a little slower.

I extend my exhales in the beginning.

Know the breath is a continuum of four parts, inhale, pause, exhale, pause.

The pauses are the 🚪 doors to the other side of our brain.

Focus on the pauses, kind of a suspended animation space. Our body expands or contracts while inhaling and exhaling, making noises as the body moves.

The pauses have the body at complete rest, silent, still.

I know if the pauses are free of thought, my meditation will be deep and restorative.

Nothing else exists for me, while inhaling I prepare to intently focus on the coming pause, then move to the exhale while anticipating a pause at total rest.

We improve by practicing things like this, they lead to healing.

We need skills to be able to stay present when triggers fire, an ability to deplete cortisol and adrenaline plus a bulletproof way of letting thoughts go.

All my therapy work and healing are channeled through me meditating.

What my therapists have told me, I executed by applying during meditation.

Meditation was a safe exposure therapy for me.

I healed inside triggers then went and confronted the actual real life triggers.

If you want to heal, change is necessary.

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We are the center of our happiness.

Real Food Whole Life

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We are the center of our happiness.

We have to learn abuse is not an excuse to avoid responsibility for living fully.

Living fully: Giving maximum effort with a good attitude.

Everytime I meditate, I expect to heal a little more, to find a little more peace and maybe find secrets I can share with you.

If I am the center of my happiness, I must take daily action to find happiness.

Happiness comes from inside.

How much responsibility do you take for your happiness?

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Believe what your actions tell you, not your thought. . .

Pinterest: YourTango

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Every part of us does not have PTSD. I have found areas inside me that are not traumatized.

We all have what spiritual shamans call true self, soul.

It’s the part of us that has been the same since birth.

Thought can not sense it, or feel it. Trauma can never reach it, only we can access it .

Intuition is how I have bumped into it by mistake and then on purpose.

Below cognition, under the Ego exists another world without PTSD.

We can visit, recharge and use this focus to heal a little each day. This soothing space is available to all of us.

Surely I desire that my visits (Meditations) produce total healing, and quickly.

It does not work that way. It works slowly.

Without it I would be dead of a heart attack from triggers firing 15 times a day.

Meditation helped me stop my fight or flight mechanism from firing.

My nervous system cruises at a higher pace than normal people, however it does not erupt anymore.

Most people on this earth have not experienced their fight or flight mechanism firing off like death was an arms length away 15 times a day.

I was a basket case for months. Survival seemed bleak if I did not shut this mechanism down.

That did not happen overnight.

Many hours with no return or hope is what every sunrise brought.

You have to believe improvement is somewhere in the near future.

With all my soul, I believe that.

I have experience of healing where this has been true over and over again.

Believe what your actions tell you, not your thought.

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Decades old memories feel like they are happening now

The Mighty

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The abstract part of PTSD intrigues me. My childhood is 50 plus years back in history, but somehow inside my head, it carries enormous power right now.

I wince reading that, knowing in reality, a memory that old controlling my life, seems like science fiction.

It is stored as implicit memory with all those intense emotions attached.

How can it fool us, thinking we are back there, experiencing early life again and again. I spent times feeling like a child when my PTSD would activate.

That is how abuse is stored with all the emotions at that age.

In reality, a memory is like air, abstract, unreachable for all the world to see.

If we look into the bathroom mirror, we know that in reality childhood fear is a thought, not concrete, without form, without clarity., without real power.

If we could reason like this with our PTSD, all of us would be healed.

It’s like a ghost, subconscious, stealthy, loaded with powerful chemicals and emotional terror.

Why do certain things, people, situations trigger us?

I was triggered once getting out of a car without visual stimulus. My body sensed danger somehow.

In my sleep trauma nightmares sabotaged me.

Crazy how the mind and defense mechanism become our abusers.

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PTSD: we have to take responsibility for our craziness

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I have two close friends that I have shared my feelings, my day to day details with.

I have worn them out. No way a mind not damaged from severe childhood abuse, can undedertsnd how intense and non stop trauma thoughts can be for us.

I can be an asshole to others when I am wrestling my demon. No excuse a fact.

It is the same storyline for us, repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Each time we die inside, it feels real.

That makes no sense to anyone else, but I suffer reliving it.

Our trauma is stored in a certain way. That’s how we relive it.

How could anyone understand, who has not lived this nightmare.

Sharing what my mind does everyday to me, has driven them nuts.

Now, I am not sharing with anyone, this blog is it.

It hurts to know none of my friends have a clue, how I suffer.

In a way, I am glad, no way they need to suffer.

People can not fix us, that compassion turns to frustration.

Better to suffer in silence. My opinion.

Sharing my life, my trauma, is not safe with regular folk, now.

Life has quiet, silent moments now, part of me is not of this world.

I am attached to so few human beings, now.

The quiet brings solace to my damaged soul.

Happiness happens when I am alone, at least I can find it.

Being safe or trusting others will never be part of my life.

Being severely abused as a kid has life long consequences.

People will always be dangerous for me.

Navigate that childhood terror.

Why others read my blog is a mystery.

I hurt to my very core.

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Our thoughts and behavior are different not less!

https://pixabay.com/users/peggy_marco-1553824/

I have many trophies, many accomplishments, never could turn them in for even a day with peace of mind (happiness).

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We have to become aware when we stick out, when our different thoughts and mind shows.

Some of my friends sày things consume me. They tell me I am different. I believe them. I know I am!

On a dating app, I shared my blog with an attractive female. Her response, she could never date someone who had a violent childhood like mine. My life shocked someone this bad.

How do you process that sentiment ?

Damn, more judgment and rejection. I did not abuse myself. Why should I be special, people hate because of skin color and politics these days.

Expect to be treated unfair and harsh at times. The world is not going to adjust to our PTSD needs.

I tried my damndest to fit in, be invisible, be one of the guys.

It felt like failure to be ostracized.

I judged myself as defective, as my peers did. Sports gave me status, my saving grace.

It was not happiness but it gave me some shade.

Now, I do not try to fit in.

It’s a big burden lifted. I do not need approval of others to complete myself anymore.

I see politicians with millions of loyal supporters seeking revenge.

Approval does not contain wellbeing or happiness. Movie stars would all live euphoric lives. Sadness would never visit their mansions.

Approval in fact is connected to criticism.

One who showers you with big approval, also carries big criticism in his/her bag.

Watch out!

Judgments are so impermanent, hard to believe we crave approval.

These attachments steal our focus.

Can you curb your need for approval?

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Shaila Catherine explains Attachment

https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

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“Find an experience that is pleasant: looking at a sunrise, feeling the smooth fur of a cat, holding a warm cup of tea, or any other such simple thing.

Practice moving the attention between the object and the pleasant feeling it elicits.

Shift your attention between the object of pleasure (the visual image, feeling of warmth or softness) and the pleasurable feeling it evokes.

Practice allowing the attention to settle within the experience of pleasantness without adding attachment.

If the desire for more arises, notice that attachment.

Ask yourself—what is this feeling of attachment?

Does attachment increase the pleasure, or decrease it?”

Many people will recognize attachment by a characteristic feeling of contraction or separation.

How do you notice attachment to pleasure as distinct from a simple experience of pleasure?”

My two cents: Let’s explore our attachments to approval.

How real is others approval. Kind of abstract and biased.

How permanent?

How much pleasure, how much happiness, do we derive?

Approval can disappear, actually turn to criticism, instantly.

Look at our cancel culture.

How do we feel then? We have to know approval is hollow at some level, but I sure crave some.

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