Posts Tagged ‘Attitude’

26 Dec

PTSD insights

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .


People diagnosed with complex Ptsd (childhood abuse) struggle on the cognitive side of our brain, the left hemisphere.

Pixabay Jordan_Singh

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Childhood trauma is irrational, common sense thinking leads us in circles.

The right hemisphere, our creative side, connects with our heart without thought.

The right hemisphere only knows this current moment, right now, the only place where PTSD dies as long as we immerse ourselves.

I have to leave worry alone, leave what might happen, and leave the past alone to escape PTSD.

Ptsd is not a single battle, each day brings challenges, a crisis could ignite a war.

Attitude can not depend on results.

I am a habitual man from my earlier days.

I get up, meditate, work on healing, do my chores and hike every day whether I feel great or suicidal.

We need a few things that PTSD can not stop or impact.

We need wins, actual power demonstrated through action.

This is not for the faint of heart, being a victim is easy, takes courage and strength to take daily action.

I may hide at times but I always do my routine.

I find a kind of peace with the familiarity.

My mind relaxes in the middle of focus.
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29 Aug

Permanent things, an old post

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/prettysleepy-2973588/

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On my arduous journey with childhood trauma, I have found a few constants, permanent things, only a few.

Life is complex, things we thought vital in our youth, fade in importance as we age.

Things I coveted have changed in value, possessions get damaged, stolen, or worn out. Status, beauty, and health all deteriorate with time. My trophies took enormous effort, grueling competitiveness to attain, now they collect dust out of sight.

What seemed to hold ultimate happiness, disappoints quickly, then fades to the next challenge.

How many times have we chased things, college, career, status, fame, etc. searching for happiness, only to find nothing behind it.

The band that dreams of a miracle hit, expecting lasting happiness, finds intense pressure in a cutthroat business to write more hits quickly, instead.

The greatest, most expensive meal in the world, turns to hunger in six hours.

Fulfilling desire does not quench the beast, it feeds it.

What endures.

For me, two things off the top of my head, giving and gratitude are constants me. My emotions peak and valley like a big rollercoaster, but I am a giver and appreciate what I have.

Giving without regard for reward is called loving-kindness by the Buddhists, a tenet of wellbeing.

Giving has always been a part of my life, being able to run a blog that helps others improve, is precious in my life.

The bond I share with a few on this healing path endures and matures.

I always count my blessings and know others have it much tougher than me.

My meditation practice is permanent, a daily companion who asks no toll for soothing my being.

My permanent things have an abstract quality to them, unlike possesssions, we protect from thieves.

You can not steal my kindness, gratitude, or meditation practice. They cost nothing but are more valuable than all my possesssions.

The few things that I will leave this earth with.

How about you, what is permanent in your life?

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4 Aug

Childhood ptsd is hard on Relationships

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/analogicus-8164369/

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Relationships will always be difficult for abused kids. The experts tell us so.

PTSD was dormant until my late 50’s. The core trauma was alive in my subconscious, impacting my nervous system and behavior.

A family crisis released my childhood trauma, it exploded into consciousness. I would have trouble from that day being able to have friends.

I was not available, did not want to go out and be part of a friendship or group.

We cannot cultivate when our PTSD is at gale force.

Being agoraphobic limited my life and changed my marriage. Having triggers explode, paralyzed me, numbed me, and sharing the experience scared my partner even more.

My relationships were strained from mood swings, episodes of triggers isolated me while fear and anxiety changed my personality.

Finally, I see it was next to impossible to be a close friend.

This is more wreckage childhood PTSD has caused or I have caused. I guess they are the same person.

Life has always seemed out of control, I was always trying to catch up but an invisible demon-haunted me.

My life has been filled with turmoil, escaping PTSD symptoms has not gone well.

I struggle with relationships because I struggle mightily for any well-being.

Some of my past is a mess and I have responsibility for that mess.

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21 Jul

My Blog may not be helpful lately

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/211174968221885/

My intrusive thoughts never stop at times, normal people can not comprehend this or experience it. I do not dig up intrusive trauma thoughts they arrive on their own.

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My leading, helping others out has been sparse or nonexistent lately, PTSD is alive and persistent, overbearing, powerful, I strain for the correct description.

At my worst, life stopped, I could not leave the house, I was frozen, shaking for hours, darkness marked another day survived.

My fight or flight exploded 15 times a day, I was agoraphobic, irrational fear, and anxiety imprisoned me. My prescribing Ph.D. psychologist had me on 350 milligrams of effector, a normal dose is 75.

Life was horrible. He thought I was messed up.

My mind could not handle a nervous system tilted upside down, I had lost control of everything, I reacted and suffered.

All my work has calmed my physical symptoms adequately, it is the intrusive thoughts, my mind thinking that haunts my waking hours.

My mind is out of control again, intrusive thoughts, trauma memories run constantly.

Thoughts arrive without our input, an abused kid’s thoughts could not be more different, more trauma laced, more negative, or more destructive than a normal child’s. An abused kids thoughts trigger ptsd, fear, and anxiety.

All my tools, grounding skills, focus skills, tricks, and meditating focus have minimal impact.

I am worn out physically and mentally right now.

It does feel like a war inside.

Depression becomes the second biggest symptom, actually co-morbid with PTSD.

Life is horrible again.

I know that is irrational but so is my whole life.

I share when things go well, why hide my challenges and losses.

I have to make sure everyone knows I am not giving up, just suffering and whining some.

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20 Jul

Ptsd: the roller coaster ride of our life

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/paulbr75-2938186/

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I have tried EFT, TFT, EMDR, hypnosis, cranial sacral, acupuncture, CBT, ACT, developmental trauma therapy, EDIT, holistic, internal family system, biofeedback, two intuitives, and some actions forgotten on the journey.

Over a decade I had three therapists, two intuitives, a slew of books, and five years at a Zen center.

There is a spiritual component connected to meditation that has been a big part of my journey. Mindfulness has been an anchor on this journey.

Months we’re spent trying to apply everything learned in therapy, in books, and online.

My effort and dedication were intense and persistent, I wanted to heal completely and dedicated the last decade to this pursuit.

I exhaustively read the latest about brain science, the cutting edge therapies, the exploration of survivor traits, the mindfulness (meditation) connection, the lack of focus on the body (exercise), the absence of daily support, and the never mentioned urgency that was missing entirely.

Frustrated to be at PTSD’s mercy again, stuck, in pain, feeling like I have lost my mind, life is painful.

Times like this, life limps along, I feel wounded and extremely vulnerable.

Giving up is not an option, so the next action is checking out a chemical imbalance.

Need to either confirm or eliminate this possibility.

After that I am out of solutions.

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5 Jul

A look at my childhood minus the PTSD

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .


My father was from a family of 15, he was in the middle of that order with a paternal twin. My mother was an only child raised Catholic by two atheist.

Yea that’s a weird match.

Mom got pregnant at 16, had me at 17 and that was the end of their high school education.

I was raised by crazy kids.

Mom was a fanatic with religion, dads only interest besides a weekly bowling league was for me to be Roy Hobbs, from The Natural, the greatest baseball hitter ever.

My parents were out there but found a way to exist, divorce was not recognized by the Catholic Church, my mom was stuck.

Playing baseball was his total interest in me. Oh I had to get good grades, be damn near perfect and have my behavior make him look good at all costs also.

He really never had conversations with me, I either did something to piss him off or it was baseball.

He criticized and lectured, we never had a conversation, ever.

If I brought up an idea about me being something other than a pro ball player, Mom would say God made you to play ball.

I did not talk much, fear and self protection were the emotions used for survival. Why would I ever say something and risk his wrath.

School had knowledge, dialogue but it brought social challenges.

You can understand why I was socially awkward, I was damn near a mute at home.

They controlled who I could have for friends and dad did not allow me to date, in his eyes women were a risk to my baseball career.

If he could of branded me showing ownership, it would of been a big bold tattoo.

Years later I returned home from across the country for some event, they could not believe I was a talkative adult. I was an extrovert, who knew.

And yes I moved as far away as I could.

Some of this was abusive but look at their lives.

My daughter explains my mother’s dilemma, in 1950, unwed and pregnant, her future husband was a violent narcissist.

Maybe it was a life sentence for her.

Who knows.

As an old man, I am lost, life has never had purpose or direction. I do not know how to have purpose or direction.

I try to heal a little more each day but life is hallow and has way to much suffering without a purpose.

We all have our challenges.

Any insights, comments or opinions?
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15 Jun

Inner critics impact on memory, self image

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

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Our inner critic impacts much more than the present moment, He/She colors every memory.

The inner critic sees our existence through a prism of unworthiness.

Memories are felt through the unworthy inner critic, much more negative than the average Jack or Jill.

Our memories are sabotaged, the past seems quite a night mare.

A narcissist is the polar opposite of us, he/she reads every memory close to adoration, unworthiness does not exist in this mind.

Our Ego and self image flow from the inner critic. Our personality is joined with this negative culprit, the inner critic.

Our inner critic has operated from the earliest memories as a kid, intertwined inside brain development.

It is my goal to unplug this destructive entity, calming the voice, soothing the critic, overwhelming him/her with living in this moment.

The inner critic steals opportunity, doubt and worry keeps us from risking, living fully.

Accomplishments only last a short time, fear of failure returns quickly, peace of mind is my dream healing destination.

My goals are to improve some each day, healing is out of my control or reach right now.

I have a specific target now, my inner voice.

I like to use a laser like focus, one specific symptom at a time.

Life will be better if I can manage this beast of burden.

Attitude and effort is all I control, may I smile while busting ass to heal.

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8 Jun

My moods shift, ptsd ignites again

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: pixel2013

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This is my mood right now, by noon it will shift, by six another emotion will rule, life is a struggle, it is painful.

It took me 8 years of intense therapy and meditation to calm all my PTSD symptoms. I was not completely healed but life was good for two years.

I meditated five hours a day for five years, went to weekly therapy, read everything on therapy, trauma, meditation, mindfulness and many spiritual or holistic healers..

It was the only two year period of relief in my life.

Now an old trauma ignited my childhood abuse, my PTSD has fired up again.

I thought it was dead, thought I beat it.

Ten years of work, how can it regenerate like this?

I have not given up but I have lost hope of ever healing, now.

Many people have spoken to me, when they had no response for my old trauma, they said bad shit happens.

It’s like that makes it ok or something, many people suffer the rest of their life after bad shit happening.

Always those without childhood abuse say just move on, it is simple, easy for them.

People are clueless and do more harm, friendships end.

I search and find something new, pour my heart into it, get momentary relief, then trauma eats my ass up again.

No matter how much some of us work, healing will likely never happen.

Sometimes hiking I wish I could just keep going deep in the woods, hike right off this damn planet, be free of what people have done to me.

I wish the pain would stop.

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1 Jun

Different times

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , .

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https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/322640760812104156/

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Goodness this is so true, we are addicted to our phones, technology .

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https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/144959681728330436/

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Funny concept these days.

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https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/13440498877944316/

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Thoughts have been my downfall, judgments, comparisons, complaints, etc.

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31 May

I always thought my inner child was the weakest most damaged part of me

Posted by Marty in My Favorites. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/4574037110564549/

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Childhood trauma has this extra dimension, an inner child who had to navigate abuse while the brain was not developed. We can integrate all the trauma we experienced and still our hardwiring is unchanged.

I saw my abused inner child, as vulnerable and weak, the origin of all the PTSD. My thought was it needed fixing, repaired, made over.

Shifting my focus away from trauma and triggers into functioning in this moment, has brought a massive change in how I see my inner child.

Without knowing it, in a response I wrote to the last post, my inner child became the strongest, bravest part of me.

My inner child had the fewest tools, was the most vulnerable part of my life but he survived the greatest abuse, childhood.

Instead of a meek coward, he navigated his way into adulthood with great strength. As an adult I see he survived where mature Marty would of failed.

Is this thinking outside the box or just Awareness being a reward for my inner exploration?

That inner child had strengths others did not have. He could endure intense pain and still take action.

My inner child developed incredible willpower and never gave up in the face of hardship.

What a paradigm shift from victim to my leading freedom fighter.

Now my challenge is to soothe that inner child in current situations, reparent in a way.

Again, this approach is trying to not handle my trauma, it is about functioning now, in this situation, this moment.

I have danced around the inner child numerous times and have written posts in the past, but something was different this time.

I never thought my inner child was the bravest part of my life.

My perceived weakness might be my biggest strength in reality.

How about you?

Your inner child helped you survive also.

He/She maybe your ultimate strength, not the damaged mess we perceive.

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