Posts Tagged ‘Attitude’

Inner critics impact on memory, self image

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Our inner critic impacts much more than the present moment, He/She colors every memory.

The inner critic sees our existence through a prism of unworthiness.

Memories are felt through the unworthy inner critic, much more negative than the average Jack or Jill.

Our memories are sabotaged, the past seems quite a night mare.

A narcissist is the polar opposite of us, he/she reads every memory close to adoration, unworthiness does not exist in this mind.

Our Ego and self image flow from the inner critic. Our personality is joined with this negative culprit, the inner critic.

Our inner critic has operated from the earliest memories as a kid, intertwined inside brain development.

It is my goal to unplug this destructive entity, calming the voice, soothing the critic, overwhelming him/her with living in this moment.

The inner critic steals opportunity, doubt and worry keeps us from risking, living fully.

Accomplishments only last a short time, fear of failure returns quickly, peace of mind is my dream healing destination.

My goals are to improve some each day, healing is out of my control or reach right now.

I have a specific target now, my inner voice.

I like to use a laser like focus, one specific symptom at a time.

Life will be better if I can manage this beast of burden.

Attitude and effort is all I control, may I smile while busting ass to heal.

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My moods shift, ptsd ignites again

Pixabay: pixel2013

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This is my mood right now, by noon it will shift, by six another emotion will rule, life is a struggle, it is painful.

It took me 8 years of intense therapy and meditation to calm all my PTSD symptoms. I was not completely healed but life was good for two years.

I meditated five hours a day for five years, went to weekly therapy, read everything on therapy, trauma, meditation, mindfulness and many spiritual or holistic healers..

It was the only two year period of relief in my life.

Now an old trauma ignited my childhood abuse, my PTSD has fired up again.

I thought it was dead, thought I beat it.

Ten years of work, how can it regenerate like this?

I have not given up but I have lost hope of ever healing, now.

Many people have spoken to me, when they had no response for my old trauma, they said bad shit happens.

It’s like that makes it ok or something, many people suffer the rest of their life after bad shit happening.

Always those without childhood abuse say just move on, it is simple, easy for them.

People are clueless and do more harm, friendships end.

I search and find something new, pour my heart into it, get momentary relief, then trauma eats my ass up again.

No matter how much some of us work, healing will likely never happen.

Sometimes hiking I wish I could just keep going deep in the woods, hike right off this damn planet, be free of what people have done to me.

I wish the pain would stop.

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Different times

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https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/322640760812104156/

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Goodness this is so true, we are addicted to our phones, technology .

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https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/144959681728330436/

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Funny concept these days.

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https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/13440498877944316/

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Thoughts have been my downfall, judgments, comparisons, complaints, etc.

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I always thought my inner child was the weakest most damaged part of me

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/4574037110564549/

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Childhood trauma has this extra dimension, an inner child who had to navigate abuse while the brain was not developed. We can integrate all the trauma we experienced and still our hardwiring is unchanged.

I saw my abused inner child, as vulnerable and weak, the origin of all the PTSD. My thought was it needed fixing, repaired, made over.

Shifting my focus away from trauma and triggers into functioning in this moment, has brought a massive change in how I see my inner child.

Without knowing it, in a response I wrote to the last post, my inner child became the strongest, bravest part of me.

My inner child had the fewest tools, was the most vulnerable part of my life but he survived the greatest abuse, childhood.

Instead of a meek coward, he navigated his way into adulthood with great strength. As an adult I see he survived where mature Marty would of failed.

Is this thinking outside the box or just Awareness being a reward for my inner exploration?

That inner child had strengths others did not have. He could endure intense pain and still take action.

My inner child developed incredible willpower and never gave up in the face of hardship.

What a paradigm shift from victim to my leading freedom fighter.

Now my challenge is to soothe that inner child in current situations, reparent in a way.

Again, this approach is trying to not handle my trauma, it is about functioning now, in this situation, this moment.

I have danced around the inner child numerous times and have written posts in the past, but something was different this time.

I never thought my inner child was the bravest part of my life.

My perceived weakness might be my biggest strength in reality.

How about you?

Your inner child helped you survive also.

He/She maybe your ultimate strength, not the damaged mess we perceive.

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Another look: 18 Characteristics of Codependents and 9 Truths to Support Recovery By Carmen Sakurai

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Excerpt:

“What Is Codependency?

Also knows as “relationship addiction,” the codependent is addicted to relationships and the validation they get from them. They will do whatever it takes, including sacrificing their own personal needs and well-being, to keep receiving this validation.

Root Cause of Codependency

Codependency is usually rooted during childhood. The child grows up in a home where their emotions are ignored or punished because the parent (or parents) suffer from mental illness, addiction, or other issues. This emotional neglect results in a child having low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, and shame.

Common Characteristics of Codependents

You are hyper-aware of other people’s needs so you become a caretaker to avoid being blamed for other people’s unhappiness and/or to feed your self-esteem by making them happy.

You believe that love and pain are synonymous. This becomes a familiar feeling so you continue to allow friends, family, and romantic relationships to behave poorly and treat you with disrespect.

Your self-esteem and self-worth are dependent on those you are trying to please. Your self-worth is based on whether or not other people are happy with what you can do for them. You over-schedule yourself with other people’s priorities to prove you are worthy.

You people-please. As a child, having a preference or speaking up resulted in being punished. You quickly learned that letting others have their way spared you from that pain.

You’re afraid to upset or disappoint others, which often leads to over-extending yourself to avoid negative feedback.

You always put others’ needs before your own. You feel guilt if you don’t follow through even if it means sacrificing your well-being. You ignore your own feelings and needs, reasoning that others are more deserving of your time and help.

You lack boundaries. You have trouble speaking up for yourself and saying NO. You allow people to take advantage of your kindness because you don’t want to be responsible for their hurt their feelings.

You feel guilty and ashamed about things you didn’t even do. You were blamed for everything as a child, so you continue to expect everyone to believe this about you now.

You’re always on edge. This is due to growing up in an environment lacking security and stability. While healthy parents protect their children from harm and danger, dysfunctional parents are the source of fear for their children and distorts their self perception.

You feel unworthy and lonely. You were always told you are not good enough and everything is your fault. The dysfunctional parent conditioned you to believe that you are of no value to anyone, leaving you with no one to turn to.

You don’t trust anyone. If you can’t even trust your own parents, who can you trust? Your unhealthy childhood conditioning lead you to believe that you do not deserve honesty or to feel safe.

You won’t let others help you. You’d rather give than receive. You try to avoid having to owe someone for the help they give you, or have the favor used against you. You’d also rather do it yourself because others can’t do it your way.

You are controlling. You were conditioned to believe that you are a “good boy/girl” if those around you are OK. So when life feels overwhelming, you try to find order by controlling others instead of fixing what needs repairs in your own life.

You have unrealistic expectations for yourself as a result of the harsh criticism you constantly received as a child.

You complain about how unhappy your life has become then quickly take it back to protect your ego, trapping you in an unending cycle of complain/deny.

You melt into others. You have difficulty separating yourself from other people’s feelings, needs, and even identities. You define your identity in relation to others, while lacking a solid sense of self.

You are a martyr. You are always giving without receiving, then feel angry, resentful and taken advantage of.

You are passive-aggressive. You feel angry and resentful and complain about “having to do everything” – while you continue doing everything on your own.

You fear criticism, rejection, and failure so you procrastinate on your own dreams and goals. Instead, you manage and control people’s plans and extract fulfillment when they succeed.

These self-destructive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are based on distorted beliefs that developed as a result of emotional abuse during your childhood. As a helpless child, it was necessary to adapt these behaviors in order to survive.”

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Was you birthright peace, contentment and joy?

Pixabay: SarahRichterArt

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This morning in the meditation group, it was said our birth right was peace and contentment, joy.

Wow, it that really true, then what happened to those of us who were abused.

I love hearing others talk about how things should be, it gives me insight into my childhood, why I am like I am.

My birth right was violent abuse, criticism and fear.

My fathers goal was to never let me feel comfortable or content, he wanted to produce the ultimate athlete.

Wonder where forced feeding falls in the contentment scale.

PTSD is the farthest thing from contentment my being has experienced.

Contentment does not mix with abuse and trauma, the last thing we experience is contentment.

I have to scour my memory to find contentment, I do not remember a time.

These sentiments, feelings or emotions others describe, I have no clue what they are.

How about you?

Was you birthright peace, contentment and joy?

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Healing takes massive change in our behavior

https://markmanson.net/

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I have made massive changes in my life to improve from childhood abuse.

Thoughts are treated like air, useless for the most part.

Those 60,000 thoughts that arrive daily, I try to allow all to flow on through.

Emotions are ephemeral, transparent and fleeting now.

Thoughts and emotions along with anxiety ruled my world for many years, that has changed.

My awareness is a main actor on life’s stage, finally.

Do no harm starts with the guy looking back at me in the mirror. No derogatory self talk or unworthiness is tolerated.

My nervous system has become my friend, an enormous change.

I am much kinder to myself, more accepting, more loving.

My gratitude grows as I battle.

I am not afraid of traum anymore.

It is still there and takes a toll from time to time.

Guilt and worry haunted me.

They have lost great power but survive.

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Do you have the Willingness to face your demons?

https://pixabay.com/users/annaliseart-7089643/

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My journey was a long and winding road of confusion and suffering.

Improving (healing) at times was subtle almost imperceptible.

The big gains, the shifts integrating the scariest trauma, were violent exits from my body.

It felt the same as regular PTSD, triggers erupting, violent unrest, perceived life and death fear attacking me.

Trauma was pissed off it had to leave my being. This piece had lost power, control.

It scared me the first time, I enjoyed the hell out of it everytime it happened after that.

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If we can not overcome our fear and take action, healing will never arrive.

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It has been my willingness to face my demons while sitting quietly that has been the vehicle 🚙 used to heal.

What 🚗 do you use to face your demons?

I had to start with slightly negative stimulus to practice on at first.

Slowly I worked up to more serious trauma.

It took time to build my focus and courage to trust, surrendering the first time.

My willingness to face my demons has made the biggest impact on my attitude.

Are you part of the 5% who has the willingness to take action?

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One-pointedness

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I focus on one spot when meditating, right below my nostrils, above my upper lip. I feel the cool inhales flow slowly in, then the warm air exiting a little slower.

I extend my exhales in the beginning.

Know the breath is a continuum of four parts, inhale, pause, exhale, pause.

The pauses are the 🚪 doors to the other side of our brain.

Focus on the pauses, kind of a suspended animation space. Our body expands or contracts while inhaling and exhaling, making noises as the body moves.

The pauses have the body at complete rest, silent, still.

I know if the pauses are free of thought, my meditation will be deep and restorative.

Nothing else exists for me, while inhaling I prepare to intently focus on the coming pause, then move to the exhale while anticipating a pause at total rest.

We improve by practicing things like this, they lead to healing.

We need skills to be able to stay present when triggers fire, an ability to deplete cortisol and adrenaline plus a bulletproof way of letting thoughts go.

All my therapy work and healing are channeled through me meditating.

What my therapists have told me, I executed by applying during meditation.

Meditation was a safe exposure therapy for me.

I healed inside triggers then went and confronted the actual real life triggers.

If you want to heal, change is necessary.

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We are the center of our happiness.

Real Food Whole Life

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We are the center of our happiness.

We have to learn abuse is not an excuse to avoid responsibility for living fully.

Living fully: Giving maximum effort with a good attitude.

Everytime I meditate, I expect to heal a little more, to find a little more peace and maybe find secrets I can share with you.

If I am the center of my happiness, I must take daily action to find happiness.

Happiness comes from inside.

How much responsibility do you take for your happiness?

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