Posts Tagged ‘Anxiety’

PTSD dropped away for a moment yesterday

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PTSD operates without any conscious input from me, he feels like an internal entity, an invisible demon.

Yesterday while skirmishing with intrusive thoughts and emotions, I felt everything drop away momentarily.

Instead of being in the middle of the triggers, I was at a distance, separate, observing PTSDs mechanism.

I could feel life without PTSDs distractions or influence.

That dark cloud dissipated for a moment. How strange a feeling.

My nervous system calmed, while my anxiety and fear took a short vacation.

Life felt entirely different with PTSD being suppressed like this.

My first thought was, how do I make this last, perpetuate a life without the constant drama, danger, and anxiety of PTSD?

Is this a breakthrough or a fleeting moment?

I felt life as a normal person for the first time, I think.

I dream of a calm mind, a normal brain with normal thoughts, and a life filled with desire.
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Part 1: Hooked on a Feeling: intrusive and ruminative symptoms in PTSD by Kate Dahlgrenn

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Excerpt:

“Ruminative type symptoms are also seen in posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) under the general header of negative alterations in cognition and mood.

These symptoms include pervasive negative beliefs about oneself or the world, such as feelings of self-blame and guilt, which often coincide with distorted beliefs about the traumatic event that led to the development of PTSD (APA, 2013).

Persistent depressive symptoms, such as negative emotional state (e.g. anger, shame, etc.) and inability to feel pleasure (anhedonia), as well as hyper-arousal symptoms, like exaggerated startle response and constantly feeling on edge or hyper-vigilant, are also features of PTSD symptomatology (APA, 2013).

Additionally, PTSD is characterized by intrusive symptoms, defined as recurrent, involuntary, and distressing trauma-related memories; these often appear in nightmares or during flashbacks, which are powerful, involuntary episodes where a memory is re-experienced (APA, 2013).

This profile of symptoms often leads to diminished interest in or participation in normal activities and result in social isolation (APA, 2013).

These symptoms are also associated with significant distress and may increase maladaptive emotion regulation, such as negative appraisal and avoidance.”

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PTSD: Hyper-vigilance and fear

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Triggered the other day, I became more hyper-vigilant for a couple of days.

I am acutely aware, super sensitive to external stimuli while feeling extremely vulnerable.

This is PTSDs mechanism of influence and control.

Everything is heightened as my body recoils, bracing for my fight or flight to fire.

Perceived dangers have multiplied, thinking is compromised, and my nervous system is on high alert.

No physical danger exists, it is all perceived emotional damage I fear.

It feels real, my body’s physical mechanisms for protection are near tilt.

Feels like I am going into battle or my PTSD symptoms have exploded.

I would avoid and isolate however I have outings planned with my grandkids.

Sometimes I can block out most of the world, and feel like I am wearing a protective shield around me, impenetrable and safe.

My mind wants to focus on past triggers, feelings of danger, and vulnerability.

Thoughts of what if and worst-case scenarios fly by my consciousness.

Thoughts interrupt my serenity, perceived fear wants control.

How will I handle today?

It is emotionally draining as the fear seems real.
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PTSD: Blatant facts:

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Blatant facts: PTSD thoughts hide at an extremely shallow depth.

Piercing the surface is child’s play for them.

What a visual!!!!!!!

In my daily world, these thoughts haunt me, I want answers, accountability, responsibility, and justice.

None of that shit is ever going to happen.

There are few answers, and thousands of questions, we will never know or understand.

My PTSD self is elusive, he benignly senses danger.

It is hard to know what is real, and what is perceived, especially when you agitate my PTSD emotions or triggers.

I have reacted to perceived triggers over and over and over with no solution in sight.

Triggers can be unplugged, calmed, or handled, but not eliminated or controlled.

They happen outside our control, external and internal forces collide.

This has been a violent, drama-filled life.

Fear of failure should be on my gravestone.

That is hard to write.

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How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

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I have done therapy for a decade, applied what I learned, then meditated rigorously, and my life is still a mess.

My trauma visits me like war visits a veteran, every day we tussle.

It is a haunting existence, a bad dream, a never-ending disorder.

It has become a miserable standoff, PTSD occupies way too much time in my life.

I learned not to trust at the earliest age.

Betrayal and abandonment from a caregiver have dire consequences.

My father isolated me, he forced me to be a loner for more control.

Life was harsh, abuse and betrayal scarred me, I am an outcast.

Why does PTSD bring so much suffering in my life, so little happiness or peace of mind?

How does an abused kid describe their purpose in this life?

How can it wield such power?
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Is PTSD fear real?

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PTSD is confusing to me, trauma is stored under such duress, fear, and anxiety it is distorted.

We never understand PTSD, we know many things about it, the symptoms, and body mechanisms but solutions and clarity are rare.

Somehow the past comes alive, and an internal battle wages to keep us safe.

Fear and anxiety become unwanted lifelong companions.

Is this fear real?

Is PTSD fear real?
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PTSD: Surviving

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PTSD has grown, maturing through the years.

Early on the challenge was my fight or flight mechanism firing, then the intrusive thoughts bombarded my being, followed by depression, and finally anger and resentment.

Anxiety, fear, and worry are always present.

PTSD at its core is subconscious fear.

We fear this abstract, perceived danger may happen again.

This fear emanates from deep inside, for abused kids, it has always been present.

PTSD will become a battle inside our heads, between our ears for life.

A subconscious, shadow world of trauma and suffering exists below the surface.

I live a large part of my life dealing with these PTSD thoughts and emotions.

It has been a harsh life.

I survive.

I survive with little trust and few attachments.

PTSD has been hard on desire, danger kills desire, and safety becomes precious as gold.

We isolate ourselves for protection and survival in our minds.

If we felt safe we would attach much more, mingle effortlessly, and be like normal people.
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Perfection as a coping mechanism

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I tried to be perfect as a coping mechanism, as a way to survive my father.

As kids, we crave our caregiver’s approval.

I feared being abandoned.

Thinking my behavior, my performance, or achievement could bring me self-worth or safety ended in major disappointment.

This void never leaves abused kids.

We search for meaning and try to grasp a purpose.

I feared my father, I did not trust him.

My path was filled with violence and ridicule, with lots of anger.

I fear loss and losing, rejection and shame.

These feelings hide below consciousness as an adult.

Happiness and trust have always been strangers.
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PTSDs invisible prison.

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My blog, my writing process, and the connection to my creativity have become a morning habit.

My inward gaze mixes with my cognitions, both questions and answers arrive.

Some have clarity while others remain confusing and cloudy.

PTSD hides in our cells and is stored as implicit memory, hidden in our right amygdala.

The storage process is heightened by fear (imminent danger), trauma shuts down parts of our prefrontal cortex, so distortion and confusion are always present.

I do not understand in any concrete way PTSDs abstract, perceived fear (emotional).

It is not physical danger, it is abstract and very emotionally charged a heightened and confusing fear.

We react the same way every time we come in contact with it.

All we know is that it feels close to emotional death, high anxiety or as it matures, more like shame.

We want to take flight when the trigger explodes, or take revenge subconsciously.

It is a shadow world we engage in, it is PTSDs invisible prison.

I know my PTSD thoughts and emotions, they arrive in a calm manner now, no cortisol or adrenaline, their poison is different but just as lethal.
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Is the cure for PTSD external?

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Is the cure for PTSD external?

Do we need the perfect mate, children, a zillion friends, power, success, or what?

What are we missing?

What direction is toward healing?

What external possession or thing, do you think would cure our PTSD?

If PTSD is not a choice, then what are we missing, what holds us back from healing?

For me healing is internal.

Abstract internal things would help heal me.

Trust would be my biggest need, my biggest void.

How do we label trust?

Is it an emotion, feeling, state of mind, a cognitive function, a skill, or what?

I have tried many ways to trust.

Trust eludes me to this day.

I have rarely trusted anyone beyond the superficial.

How is your relationship with TRUST?
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