Posts Tagged ‘Anxiety’

PTSD: Narrowing of life

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Life changes drastically when PTSD explodes, when hypervigilance and triggers unleash their chemical fear responses.

For the last decade, since PTSD exploded, I have avoided and isolated, made decisions for safety over any other desire.

Desires are suppressed amid PTSD danger, seems cortisol and adrenaline destroy it.

Our fears are more subconscious, abstract like shame, humiliation, and ridicule.

We fear anxiety also, triggers firing out of control.

We fear what the universe will do to us next.

Yes, in childhood we knew life sentenced us to violence and abuse.

Why would we think as adults that things would change?

Life has always been violent and abusive for some of us.

That’s why we avoid.
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PTSD: Our thoughts separate us

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Meditating for hours upon hours upon hours, intently focusing on my inner world, my crazy thought patterns unfolded.

The thoughts that arrive in my (your) head every day do not resemble a normal (non-abused) person’s thoughts.

Something is missing, why do we feel separate from the common collective, we are trauma outcasts.

It is like another entity lives inside us, fjones619 describes it like this:

“Highly sensitive and vulnerable, that thing that tries to limit my life, keep me from venturing too far from my comfort zone to keep me safe while at the same time makes me unhappy and unfulfilled from living a dull life without any real purpose.”

Do you feel a separate entity inside your PTSD body?

So our thought patterns are filled with abstract fear, a sort of confusing unknown, a danger that comes out of the ether every morning.

Hard to find purpose while fighting imminent danger.

This is a very confusing life for us, hard to have explanations or solutions available.

Real Purpose: I think this is one of our big deficiencies from childhood abuse.

My dad was so abusive he suppressed my true personality.

When I improved the first time, my personality changed from the suppressed introvert to an extrovert, my true me.

My purpose is extremely difficult to find in the middle of PTSD.

At 70, I have no idea who I am supposed to be or how to fit in.

Question: Do you have good memories? Which memories dominate your mind?
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What would PTSD look like if it manifested physically?

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Would we be covered in scars, have cancer, or look like a Leper?

People would recognize our disorder and empathize.

PTSD seems cloudy to us, a confusing state of Mind we live in.

Our trauma memories are loaded with such fear and anxiety, that we isolate for protection.

Hard to be social and free when we feel danger around us.

PTSD is an entity, he/she lives inside our brain and the cells of our body.

It is difficult to ignore PTSD when he is active.

Hypervigilance, avoidance, triggers firing, intrusive thoughts and panic can not be ignored.

We are a captive audience.

I tried to avoid PTSD and my triggers, I stopped going out.

Isolated alone in my dark garage, I could not escape my mind by changing geography.

My triggers fired without outside stimuli.

We can not escape our mind.
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Distorted Time

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Yesterday was a tough day.

PTSD feels like distress, time is distorted, and nerves are frayed.

It is not geographical, we can not run from it, it is attached to us.

PTSD overrides all other cognitive functions, life stops, it is called survival mode.

The war is inside my head.

This war occupies enormous amounts of time, the chance to be happy never gets enough time or energy.
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PTSD: A few of my traits


Many of these traits were accepted as old habits, part of who I was instead of PTSD symptoms.

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Distrust: Friendships can be tenuous, any betrayal ends any friendship immediately. This distrust limits deep relationships because of the basic need for protection.

Security: From my earliest memories as a child, feeling safe and supported was missing. All I know is this void. No mentor, no adult has ever gained my trust unconditionally.

Hypervigilance: Entering a restaurant, any group or meeting, my defense mechanism takes over, spotting imminent danger, always on alert. This is automatic, almost subconscious, and quick.

Avoidance: PTSD narrows life, we isolate to avoid triggers firing. Our fight or flight mechanism firing signals danger, this is our chemical version of fear.

In some strange abstract way, I fear and distrust people. Childhood abuse brings a vulnerability that never leaves as an adult. I can not grasp words to make you understand.

Thinking: PTSD brings intrusive thoughts and negative emotional trauma memories. These thoughts are numerous and highly invasive, filled with what we fear most.

Thinking, and dissociating into past trauma memories, fuels PTSD. The more time we spend ruminating into the past the more PTSD powers up.

Mood Swings: Life can be a rollercoaster ride of emotions and thoughts. I can spot the shift at times. My demeanor swings wildly and forcibly without my conscious input.

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PTSD feels like there is another self or being inside my head. A highly sensitive, dysfunctional, and vulnerable soul. That other self has the power to take over the organism and does at times.

Who am I?
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PTSD; Feeling Disconnected

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When PTSD is active, life feels disconnected.

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It is like having a barrier between me and the world.

Avoiding or isolating enhances PTSD’s thick fog of confusion.

I inhabit my inner world when PTSD explodes.

A battle of emotions connected to traumatic thought unfolds.

It is high anxiety, and perceived danger connected to perceived fear.

The danger rarely materializes, but it does not seem to matter in this abstract world.

My life before PTSD activated was drastically different.

I did not know what PTSD was before it exploded at 55.

I had mild symptoms that we’re not recognized as PTSD, they we’re just odd habits and strange quirks.

Life changed one night, PTSD exploded, and it has never been the same.

The damage abuse wrought on a child seems permanent.

Like a soldier haunted by flashbacks, it never quite goes away.

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PTSD: Sensing Danger

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How do I describe my nervous system, my mood swings, or my behavior?

PTSD is the reason, the cause, the driving force behind my mood swings, intrusive thoughts, and distrust of this world.

Having attachments is not a priority, safety is number one, avoiding failure and humiliation number two.

I get this foreboding sense of danger, it’s spooky, abstract of course, nothing I can see or touch.

It is not someone shooting me or knifing me, it’s the dark unknown, out there in the mist.

Going out seems risky, I find myself hiding, on edge, and anxiously depressed.

This is like the Mafia going to the mattresses.

This is anxious downtime, days lost in a dark fog, clutching the safety of isolation.

Happiness is a dream, an unknown commodity, like love and trust for abused kids.

Complex PTSD does not end, I am 70, still battling for my sanity.

This is my life.
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PTSD: Is Happiness possible?

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I have read and studied PTSD in the military.

Many soldiers who went through a war unscathed by PTSD develop trauma symptoms later in life.

For me, it took a family crisis for my childhood abuse to explode at 55.

I can not tell you if it is better or worse to get PTSD immediately or 50 years later.

My symptoms functioned under the radar, I avoided without knowing it was a symptom.

My take on this: Serious childhood abuse and the gore of war always follow the victim through life.

The severity depends on many factors.

I never thought about seeking help (therapy), I did not know I had Complex PTSD.

The quicker you address trauma the better your chance at healing.

PTSD does not get better with time, it deepens its devastating hold on the host.

Being a senior is said to be the happiest time in life.

Complex PTSD changes that happiness into a battle for sanity.

Happiness is a strange, almost scary concept for me.

Are we failures without happiness?

PTSD brings challenges, pain, suffering, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, avoidance, and fear, and happiness has very little time and space to blossom.

Are you happy, and healed from your childhood abuse?
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How can PTSD sufferers ignore their PTSD then choose to be happy?

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Yesterday during a conversation, a friend told me they choose to be happy.

I think I need to choose to be healed first. Which is easiest, to be healed or be happy?

That hit a nerve, I knew the implication was aimed at me, my PTSD.

Is our problem with PTSD the inability to choose happiness?

I can say the words, my PTSD pays no attention.

My symptoms come from a place where words can not reach.

How can PTSD sufferers ignore their PTSD then choose to be happy?

How do you accomplish this?

This means symptoms disappear, anxiety, unworthiness, fight or flight firing, depression, hypervigilance, and intrusive thoughts.

I know words do not heal PTSD.

From my vantage point, PTSD has to recede to a level few of us reach to be happy.

I would settle for being out of suffering.

Me, not healing, angers some of my friends.

They need easy solutions to all life problems.

I frustrate them.
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The ACE Study

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/about.html

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Beginning in 1994, the “adverse childhood experiences” (ACE) Study, a partnership between the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente assessed the relationship between adult health risk behaviors and childhood abuse and household dysfunction.

  • The study began with a sample of 9,508 individuals representing a 70.5% response rate.
  • Respondents were given a score of one for each ACE category that they experienced.

Findings showed that people who experienced four or more adverse childhood events had:

  • increased risk for smoking, alcoholism and drug abuse
  • increased risk for depression and suicide attempts
  • poor self-rated health
  • 50 or more sexual partners
  • greater likelihood of sexually transmitted disease
  • challenges with physical inactivity, and severe obesity

A follow-up sample combined with baseline data for a total sample of 17,337. Additional findings show that ACE Score is associated with:

  • likelihood of attempted suicide across the lifespan
  • increased risk for broken bones
  • heart disease
  • lung disease
  • liver disease
  • multiple types of cancer

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Check out the blog: https://ccsme.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/ACE-Chart-and-ACE-Score-Questions-Feb-2011.pdf

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