Posts Tagged ‘Anxiety’

17 Jul

Is the cure for PTSD external?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/cocoparisienne-127419/


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Is the cure for PTSD external?

Do we need the perfect mate, children, a zillion friends, power, success, or what?

What are we missing?

What direction is toward healing?

What external possession or thing, do you think would cure our PTSD?

If PTSD is not a choice, then what are we missing, what holds us back from healing?

For me healing is internal.

Abstract internal things would help heal me.

Trust would be my biggest need, my biggest void.

How do we label trust?

Is it an emotion, feeling, state of mind, a cognitive function, a skill, or what?

I have tried many ways to trust.

Trust eludes me to this day.

I have rarely trusted anyone beyond the superficial.

How is your relationship with TRUST?
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1 Jul

Depression is our lonely villain

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , .

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Depression is our lonely villain, he/she takes over after the ravages of PTSD’s consequences.

I think PTSD proceeds into depression as we age.

If we have PTSD, we will be depressed, guaranteed.

PTSD is lifestyle threatening, we avoid, deny, isolate and become hypervigilant, reclusive, and afraid.

After the therapies, after all the reading, applying, navigating, intuitives, meditation, exposure therapy, cognitive therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, etc. Etc. Etc., life sucks.

More therapy is a repetition, sort of diminishing returns for me.

Like many vets who survived the war without trauma, later life is a different story.

That once stoic facade melts away when PTSD explodes.

Life changes overnight for these poor souls.

I had no idea PTSD was alive inside me until a crisis later in life exploded into my consciousness.

Older and weakened this onslaught had drastic consequences.

I have experienced PTSD EXPLODING from a crisis, then year’s later a hidden trauma, a betrayal deeply buried changed my life forever.

There are so many hidden traumatic memories, cloudy experiences from the past, and a sort of haunting beneath the surface.

Even if I win these battles, happiness, and peace of mind are complete strangers.

A crisis does not cultivate happiness or trust.
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29 Jun

..Is PTSD real? Is PTSD fear real?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@jontyson


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Is PTSD real? Is PTSD fear real?

The firing of our defense mechanism along with the chemicals cortisol and adrenaline being secreted is real, and powerful.

How about our trauma, and intrusive thoughts, are they real?

They were real at one time and now exist as implicit memory. Are implicit memories dangerous?

We get triggered when our implicit memories surface, so yes we fear them, we try to avoid them.

Think back to when a trigger fired violently, how real was the fear?

Seems like a flawed defense mechanism that leads to avoidance, hypervigilance, and suffering.

The more vulnerable we feel, the stronger our PTSD symptoms become.

No one else can feel or see what lies inside us.

A frightening trigger is a mundane event for a normal person.

What I may sense as life-threatening, holds no danger for the masses.

A strange mental illness, childhood abuse.
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27 Jun

PTSD: Narrowing of life

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@garunn


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Life changes drastically when PTSD explodes, when hypervigilance and triggers unleash their chemical fear responses.

For the last decade, since PTSD exploded, I have avoided and isolated, made decisions for safety over any other desire.

Desires are suppressed amid PTSD danger, seems cortisol and adrenaline destroy it.

Our fears are more subconscious, abstract like shame, humiliation, and ridicule.

We fear anxiety also, triggers firing out of control.

We fear what the universe will do to us next.

Yes, in childhood we knew life sentenced us to violence and abuse.

Why would we think as adults that things would change?

Life has always been violent and abusive for some of us.

That’s why we avoid.
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11 Jun

Distorted Time

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/vojta_kucer-7696229/


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Yesterday was a tough day.

PTSD feels like distress, time is distorted, and nerves are frayed.

It is not geographical, we can not run from it, it is attached to us.

PTSD overrides all other cognitive functions, life stops, it is called survival mode.

The war is inside my head.

This war occupies enormous amounts of time, the chance to be happy never gets enough time or energy.
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30 May

PTSD: Sensing Danger

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@katiemoum


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How do I describe my nervous system, my mood swings, or my behavior?

PTSD is the reason, the cause, the driving force behind my mood swings, intrusive thoughts, and distrust of this world.

Having attachments is not a priority, safety is number one, avoiding failure and humiliation number two.

I get this foreboding sense of danger, it’s spooky, abstract of course, nothing I can see or touch.

It is not someone shooting me or knifing me, it’s the dark unknown, out there in the mist.

Going out seems risky, I find myself hiding, on edge, and anxiously depressed.

This is like the Mafia going to the mattresses.

This is anxious downtime, days lost in a dark fog, clutching the safety of isolation.

Happiness is a dream, an unknown commodity, like love and trust for abused kids.

Complex PTSD does not end, I am 70, still battling for my sanity.

This is my life.
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27 May

PTSD: Is Happiness possible?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://unsplash.com/@cooljonez


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I have read and studied PTSD in the military.

Many soldiers who went through a war unscathed by PTSD develop trauma symptoms later in life.

For me, it took a family crisis for my childhood abuse to explode at 55.

I can not tell you if it is better or worse to get PTSD immediately or 50 years later.

My symptoms functioned under the radar, I avoided without knowing it was a symptom.

My take on this: Serious childhood abuse and the gore of war always follow the victim through life.

The severity depends on many factors.

I never thought about seeking help (therapy), I did not know I had Complex PTSD.

The quicker you address trauma the better your chance at healing.

PTSD does not get better with time, it deepens its devastating hold on the host.

Being a senior is said to be the happiest time in life.

Complex PTSD changes that happiness into a battle for sanity.

Happiness is a strange, almost scary concept for me.

Are we failures without happiness?

PTSD brings challenges, pain, suffering, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, avoidance, and fear, and happiness has very little time and space to blossom.

Are you happy, and healed from your childhood abuse?
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11 May

The ACE Study

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/about.html

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Beginning in 1994, the “adverse childhood experiences” (ACE) Study, a partnership between the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente assessed the relationship between adult health risk behaviors and childhood abuse and household dysfunction.

  • The study began with a sample of 9,508 individuals representing a 70.5% response rate.
  • Respondents were given a score of one for each ACE category that they experienced.

Findings showed that people who experienced four or more adverse childhood events had:

  • increased risk for smoking, alcoholism and drug abuse
  • increased risk for depression and suicide attempts
  • poor self-rated health
  • 50 or more sexual partners
  • greater likelihood of sexually transmitted disease
  • challenges with physical inactivity, and severe obesity

A follow-up sample combined with baseline data for a total sample of 17,337. Additional findings show that ACE Score is associated with:

  • likelihood of attempted suicide across the lifespan
  • increased risk for broken bones
  • heart disease
  • lung disease
  • liver disease
  • multiple types of cancer

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Check out the blog: https://ccsme.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/ACE-Chart-and-ACE-Score-Questions-Feb-2011.pdf

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29 Apr

PTSD: The Internal Dialogue

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

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We enter situations with past fear of failure and distrust looming inside us. This is the battle we face every day, engage and risk or choose safety and isolate.


Navigating some situations and people requires mental and physical preparation combined with an enormous amount of energy.

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https://pixabay.com/users/another_simon-3189124/

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It is an internal dialogue, sometimes an internal battle, an immense distraction to the flow of life.

While we carry on a conversation, this dialogue runs in the background. We are distracted, confused while trying to respond intelligently.

Before we reach a destination, a party, a class, a meeting, etc., we weigh the risk assessment, then devise a plan if possible.

People and places can hold special danger from past triggers.

Can we leave, and retreat if things go wrong? Do we have an escape plan? I do!

We multitask inside our minds, two thoughts, and two conversations run simultaneously.

Reacting quickly is difficult, our intake needs time to decipher both dialogues.

If we reach the firing of our fight or flight mechanism, we freeze.

It is beneficial if we can find a safe place to participate.

I have ventured out joining two groups lately.

It is not easy, nothing worthwhile has ever been easy, has it?
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27 Apr

Trust can sneak up on you

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .


I was triggered yesterday in the online Kundalini group. We have a daily online group at 7 am During the week and at 8 am on weekends.

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https://pixabay.com/users/jplenio-7645255/

We have a WhatsApp group chat to facilitate sharing and community.

I experienced the PTSD upset, a sense of danger, the physical reaction, intense sweating, and intrusive thoughts.

Instead of isolating myself, I shared my experience with the group.

Inside this group, I feel respected and safe.

That sounds like trust.

It can sneak up on you when you least expect it.

Sometimes we have to lean in more, risk a little more and do the opposite of what PTSD wants us to do.

Instead of the usual aftermath of being triggered, isolated and upset, I feel part of the group, calm, and included.

They supported me and gave me great feedback and empathy.

PTSD still rages at times but as Rudid96 says, I will continue swimming upstream for a while.

P.S. What a pain in the ass I must be. I am a lightning rod for discussion, never at a loss for topics.
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