Posts Tagged ‘Anxiety’

My mind has patterns, some good, some harmful!

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My mind has patterns, some good, some harmful!

From the earliest memory, my mind and nervous system would lock on to my dad’s behavior, that’s where imminent danger lived for me.

My nervous system was always alert, ready to go to Defcon five in seconds.

This was reinforced every day I lived in that house.

To this day, my mind will lock onto imminent danger, (perceived imminent danger) my mood races to extremes, reacting subconsciously to its perceptions.

My mind, my stored implicit memory, thinks I could be gravely hurt by the current stimulus.

It’s called PTSD and our mind and nervous system are wired differently, hard-wired in extreme survival mode.

My childhood was 17 plus years of daily criticism, physical and emotional abuse.

My brain subconsciously scans the horizon, spotting danger, navigating around people.

My attachments have always been shallow, I always depended on myself, made my own decisions.

My PTSD brain is rigid, anxious, and aggressive, that is a male trait I believe.

I do not understand how people can trust, risk betrayal, or worse.

It is beyond avoidance for me, I do not trust or have a desire to trust.

There is nothing in my memory bank that reinforces attaching to strangers or anyone else.

Emotional safety is the foremost consideration before I leave this house for anything.

I hate it.

I could take anyone afraid of heights up to the top of the Empire State Building.

All the focus and breathing and thinking will not shut that fear down.

You will not be able to calmly analyze anything, think about a dinner engagement, or have a happy-go-lucky experience.

You will be tense, muscles, tendons, nervous system scared to death. You are frozen, parts of the cognitive thinking are offline, rational thought is impossible.

Think you could do some algebra or thread a needle?

Is happiness a choice right now?

How long will a mind be upset from a near-death experience? Hours, days, weeks?

That’s what an intense trigger felt like for me.

That’s PTSD.

Do not focus on limitations, find a small specific goal to relentlessly pursue.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/846958273680956350/

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PTSD confuses the mind it inhabits with symptoms that prepare him/her for an imminent threat. This scenario is part of survival mode, a highly charged emotional state of danger, followed by an avoidance, a denial, or a numbing freeze state of existence.

All this is complex and overpowering for any mind to handle.

Those who strive to improve know the limitations childhood abuse places on their lives.

Out of this complex crisis, we need to find simple, bulletproof ways to battle trauma.

Our rules to improve: Forget about limitations, forget about judgments, forget about healing, focus on one small specific goal at a time.

My goal is to sense and move my PTSD energy around and out of my body.

Healing is not my goal, that is way too abstract and complex.

Our goal should be within reach, practical and specific.

Obtain a goal then move to the next challenge.

Never try to address more than one symptom at a time.

We are using a laser, pinpointing a small specific goal, not a shotgun approach.

Let go of all those judgments and predictions, stay focused in the moment with our goal as our bellwether.

Questions we search for: What is PTSD’s favorite emotion?

What is his favorite narrative?

What are his patterns?

Feel its energy flowing inside, sense its purpose, and roadmap.

Know thy enemy intimately, knowledge is power in this battle.

Know your PTSD micro-energy movements and behavior.

I have a one-word chant, a mantra to open my heart, solar plexus for me, a release word to say when trauma energy is present.

It is Yam, pronounced Yaam, a simple vibration to focus on opening and releasing my PTSD energy.

If nothing else it is something to focus on instead of the narrative.

Simple execution, practice the mantra during the day, then apply anytime we sense PTSD energy flowing.

Simplify the goal, use intense focus and awareness, practice daily with intent.

In my mind I relentlessly pursue my small, specific goal daily.

We need to see ourselves as warriors not victims, not helpless.

Good hunting!

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Rudid96 asks is the Ego bad? ………….No!

From guidedmindclearance.com

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Rudid96:

“Is the Ego all ‘bad’? Is it the repository of false thoughts, feelings, & actions? Or, does it hold some value? I was wondering if all those thoughts were a form of energy gone awry? In the grand scheme of life, even coach roaches hold some value.”

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My two cents: The Ego is created to separate us or identify us from others. I am Marty, you are Rudid96, my rewards and punishments can be properly distributed from society.

One more time Rudid96, my meditation practice, or my ability to focus intently on my breath, allows me to take a step back and observe my Ego.

We are not obligated to ever listen to our Ego.

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Let the Ego identity us, then let loose of those voids, the need for constant approval, the curse of worrying, doubting, and separating.

Stay present, observe what the senses bring to you, refrain from judgment.

In this space, the ego has faded from consciousness, reality is available for us.

Dissociation, thinking about things in the past or future is the highway for the “Ego” to gain control of us.

The “Ego” is a positive creation for normal kids and a damaged one for abused kids.

Our childhood abuse helped create an unworthy Ego filled with shame, failure, and unworthiness.

The next issue to maneuver stems from the Ego never feeling equal to another equal.

That can lead to drama, turmoil, and harsh emotions without proper perspective.

We can change the Ego, alter some of the abusive thoughts into more positive feelings.

Our goal is to keep the Ego’s desires in perspective.

In common man terms, the Ego is the cognitive invention, he/she compares everything and everyone it encounters, then adds strong emotions to gain power.

The true self is the heartfelt intuition that arrives from deep inside.

Our intuition is the opposite of thought, it is our true compass.

The Ego is clueless for direction and impact on our life.

The Ego’s behavior is harmful at times, we need to know when he/she goes astray.

Long-time meditating monks navigate life with so much less ego than us.

Does that explain why they enjoy such a euphoric existence?

YES!

I think wonderment happens when we are not involved in thought.

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Thought is not the greatest power of our mind, in fact it is a small part of our capability.

You can not find the Ego without connection to thought.

We should try to think as little as possible. Limit dissociation and suffering, direct thought, never wander into memory.

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Why are intrusive thoughts (trauma memories) so destructive?

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/19632948360919124/

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Childhood abuse (PTSD) changes life, memories are abnormal.

Our memories are experienced (felt) through the emotional prism of worthlessness, damage, failure, or abuse.

Abused kids feel worthless, flawed, or just too damaged for anyone to love or respect.

My intrusive thoughts carry these sentiments, it makes them powerful and scary. As innocent children, we never understood being beaten, raped or emotionally terrorized.

They are not normal memories, highly charged as Stephen Cope describes, “Sometimes we encounter experiences that so violate our sense of safety, order, predictability, and right, that we feel utterly overwhelmed—unable to integrate, and simply unable to go on as before.”

My whole childhood violated my sense of safety, emotionally which has left an indelible mark.

How are we ever supposed to feel safe, normal? We carry a form of terror that changed the size of certain brain organs and functions.

Our nervous systems do not resemble a regular person’s nervous system.

They do not experience the terror, the hyper-vigilance, the flashbacks, the adrenal stress response firing repeatedly, the intrusive thoughts, the emotional deregulation, the avoidance, and the loneliness of complex PTSD.

Intrusive thoughts have the emotional content we felt when abused, they transport us back in time or bring the past to life.

My intrusive thoughts become a rapid, non-stop assault on my wellbeing. It is part of the vapor my brain brings every day, part of the 60,000 thoughts that cross my consciousness daily.

They never stop or slow down when triggered.

Unfortunately, we carry this abuse with us, whether we improve or falter, childhood trauma will always be with us.

I did not have a choice at birth, I did not have any skills as a child to defend myself.

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I have always been afraid of what will happen next, even on my best day.

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When I look back on my life, my memories carry extreme humiliation and worthlessness, they will haunt me till I die.

We can improve, have brief moments of calm but we will never heal, never be free from PTSD exploding.

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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: Symptoms

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/467530005046215647/.

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Mayo Clinic: Ptsd

Symptoms

Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may start within one month of a traumatic event, but sometimes symptoms may not appear until years after the event. These symptoms cause significant problems in social or work situations and in relationships. They can also interfere with your ability to go about your normal daily tasks.

PTSD symptoms are generally grouped into four types: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in thinking and mood, and changes in physical and emotional reactions. Symptoms can vary over time or vary from person to person.

Intrusive memories

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

  • Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
  • Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
  • Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event
  • Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event

Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
  • Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event

Negative changes in thinking and mood

Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:

  • Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships
  • Feeling detached from family and friends
  • Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Difficulty experiencing positive emotions
  • Feeling emotionally numb

Changes in physical and emotional reactions

Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

  • Being easily startled or frightened
  • Always being on guard for danger
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame

For children 6 years old and younger, signs and symptoms may also include:

  • Re-enacting the traumatic event or aspects of the traumatic event through play
  • Frightening dreams that may or may not include aspects of the traumatic event

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Psychiatric Medication Management

Do not pray for an easy life. Have we not all wished for a different childhood?

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From Benson Health Clinic

“Medication Management is a behavioral health service that we offer, in which our nurse practitioners will diagnose, prescribe and manage a medication plan that fits your health care needs.

When is psychiatric medication helpful?

Psychiatric medication can help decrease or eliminate symptoms caused by behavioral health conditions such as anxiety, depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, Ptsd, and bipolar disorder. While some conditions require medication to help with chemical imbalances in the brain, psychiatric medications are not necessary for everyone with behavioral health concerns.”

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This is from the clinic I have an appointment in a couple of weeks.

https://bensonhealthclinic.com/behavioral-health-services-eugene/psychiatric-medication-management/

The intake form has an Adverse Childhood Experience questionnaire with complete history. Almost scary to see my symptoms in writing. I recommend filling the forms out for yourself. It is much different to see on paper what floats in our heads.

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My two cents: This is a glaring void on my healing journey.

The tools of diagnosing a specific medication have arrived.

I know many people who have said they have been in therapy 15, 17, 20 years without ever questioning the meds.

Few therapists will ever recommend this avenue of healing.

Healing contains both meds and therapy, like body and mind go together.

Check out the website and see if a Practioner is near you.

My healing journey has been way out of balance, all therapy and intense work on my own.

We have to be aware, adapt, and change course many times, we get lost and stuck.

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Control: another side most do not see

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/281543713750855/

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Someone in the Kundalini meditation group commented, that my childhood abuse and betrayal in college, was out of my control.

He thought that was key to absolving me and thus breakthrough healing.

I guess that’s what it looks like from afar.

Actually, having no control over being abused in childhood then betrayed in college, brought doubt, worry, and fear.

I was not even there when my girlfriend had sex with 15 guys, but I damn sure was publicly humiliated.

I controlled the risk of ever being betrayed in a relationship again, I never trusted my future mates. My first venture into love would be my last, I did not even realize you could be destroyed by a mate’s actions.

I guess, abused kids are addicted to control, trying to limit risk and avoid betrayal at all costs.

We sabotage our own lives, make decisions based upon fear, I am guilty. Betrayal thoughts brought intense bodily reactions, strong emotions of anger and hate.

Control has damaged my life, I can not figure out if too little or too much was the cause?

I am always on guard for the unknown betrayal or attack. Feeling safe has never existed for me, I was in danger around my dad, everyday.

Normal people think they have a certain amount of control in their lives, that delusion lives a lifetime for them.

We have no control.

Remember that tsunami in Japan, where a small village on the coast was wiped out, two in the morning, residents asleep in bed, thinking they were in control, safe.

Childhood abuse exists in my earliest memories, I controlled nothing, I was innocent, a kid, he even tried to steal my thoughts.

Billionaires can get cancer, have a mental illness, lose family and suffer just like us, no control, they just have more influence and protection.

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Escaping trauma: Is it possible ?

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/2744449763904914/

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Lately, intrusive thoughts have bombarded my consciousness, strong negative feelings add to the awkwardness of enduring this onslaught.

At some point, I try to escape, looking for help, looking for any skill that can curb the pain.

I want to scream for help!

At all costs refrain from sharing Ptsd with friends, hide as much as possible, act as normal as possible.

Smile and act like everything is peachy, squash triggers, and act strong, deny you have PTSD.

They will never understand, they will insult your suffering in the end. Normal people need to believe everything can be fixed, repaired like new in their world.

Rain on that parade and they will attack you.

My blog is the one safe place I can share my experience.

Yesterday, I sat in the middle of my trauma, not moving, not trying to avoid or fix it.

I have tried everything else.

Maybe it will get tired and collapse.

My willpower against traumas.

Who knows the winner of this, not me?

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Simon Biles: Is this a Ptsd teaching moment

https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/350436414736916943/

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Let’s look at how amateur athletes are treated, then female athletes, finally sexually abused athletes.

We better hide our symptoms and have courage and perform like nothing is wrong.

Remember, Larry Nassar, the United States gymnasts physician who molested hundreds of our top female athletes.

Simon Bikes was his most famous victim, lest our great men sports writers forget.

Look at how they eviscerate her. She was triggered, we understand triggers can happen at anyt time. Especially under high stress and fear.

Three articles: Piers Morgan suggests Simon Biles is “pathetic, gutless, cowardly” for quitting.

.https://www.rawstory.com/piers-morgan-simone-biles/

https://spectatorworld.com/life/simone-biles-tokyo-olympics-gymnastics-quit-mental-health/

https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2021/07/27/jason_whitlock_simone_biles_is_a_coward_i_dont_like_the_lack_of_expectations_for_greatness.html

She said it feels like the weight of the world is on her.

She stepped down to take care of her mental health.

She was triggered going back into her trauma environment and high pressure.

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Do you think other girls will want to compete?

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Did she do the correct thing for her well-being?

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Childhood abuse is much more than beatings and criticism.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/386394843007801323/

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I was programmed intentionally by my dad, he wanted his desires to be my desires, it was life and death, he beat me to make sure I understood.

He enjoyed beating me, making me afraid of him, he got a release out of it. Why would you beat me once a week for puking lima beans throughout childhood?

The pressure to perform held all my self-worth, he pounded that into me.

Some things could be worse than death in his eyes.

He demanded I be twice as good as everyone else, all my self-worth he granted me was connected to performance. I did not generate much self-worth on my own in this abusive atmosphere.

No wonder I was good, fear is a great motivator.

I did not understand I was a separate being, autonomous with my desires.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/12525705203642314/

My dad did everything to kill my self, he wanted total ownership. That’s hard to comprehend for most people.

When you look at this from the lens of a narcissist, it makes sense.

His empathy centers are not working, the only thing he sees is the benefit he has wanted since I was born.

My dad failed, got his girl pregnant at 16, dropped out of high school, then resented the shit out of me for complicating his teenage years.

Having sex does not make you a parent.

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