Posts Tagged ‘ACCEPTANCE’

Fear and worry arrive before Thought


My kid brain was always grappling with fear, worry, and doubt, always receiving negative feedback from my caregivers, always anxious, and on edge.

This made a lasting impact on early habits, the fear must have been off the charts to emblazon such a permanent trait.

Worry, doubt, and fear were my dominant emotions, I hid back then, trying to avoid failure.

I find myself at 70 becoming aware of this negative river flowing under the surface, in my subconscious.

It is all abstract, the mind’s pattern of thought, our neural network, what comes out of the ether.

What’s the point?

To attempt change, awareness is the first necessity.

How do you change that which precedes thought, and consciousness?

My fear and worry show up before thought.

So far my successes have come from discounting the fear and worry after they enter consciousness.

I am at a loss to change my worry and doubt in my subconscious, sort of changing the wiring of my brain.

At 70 is that even feasible.

Healing starts with awareness.

“Buddhas Brain”: the Self

“Thoughts, feelings, images, and so on exist as patterns of information represented by patterns of neural structure and activity.

In the same way, the various aspects of the apparent self—and the intimate and powerful experience of being a self—exist as patterns in the mind and brain.

The question is not whether those patterns exist.

The key questions are: What is their nature? And does that which those patterns seem to stand for—an “I” who is the unified, ongoing owner of experiences and agent of actions—truly exist?



Or is self like a unicorn, a mythical being whose representations exist but who is actually.”

My two cents: Follow any thought, the concept of “I” back to its source and you will find a mirage.

We create “I” from our childhood, what we think of ourselves combined with how the world treats us, then we roll it all together and call it “Marty” or “I”.

“I” is a creation, a magical being we invent for identity.

Rick Hanson: The Brain

“The brain is the primary mover and shaper of the mind.

It’s so busy that, even though it’s only 2 percent of the body’s weight, it uses 20–25 percent of its oxygen and glucose.

Like a refrigerator, it’s always humming away, performing its functions; consequently, it uses about the same amount of energy whether you’re deep asleep or thinking hard.

The number of possible combinations of 100 billion neurons firing or not is approximately 10 to the millionth power, or 1 followed by a million zeros, in principle; this is the number of possible states of your brain.”


“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.”

Eckhart Tolle.

My two cents: I strive for equanimity.

Shaila Catherine describes it like this;

“Equanimity is steady through vicissitudes, equally close to the things you may like and the things you do not like.

Equanimity contains the complete willingness to behold the pleasant and the painful events of life equally.“

Let it go to voicemail

“When the past calls, let it go to voicemail, believe me, it has nothing new to say.”

– Unknown –


My two cents: A motto to live by for PTSD sufferers.

The past holds suffering for us, it is the freeway of pain.

The present moment holds opportunity and freedom.

The past triggers me.

PTSD: Memory

Childhood abuse clouds my already sparse memory.

Large swaths of time are absent, my memories are distorted and sequentially hard to decipher.

Traumatic memories (triggers) on the other hand are clear, vivid, and powerful.

We all slow down on the interstate to see the grizzly accident, watch the nightly news dominated by sensational crimes and tragedies, while the mundane or normal parts of life go unnoticed.

The traumatic incidents we endure are stored in a special space, we label them implicit memories.

These memories are offline or not reachable consciously, stored in the right amygdala.

So trauma or implicit memory has an abstract quality, PTSD fear is a reaction to a perceived lethal threat.

I know my triggers are more benign than dangerous.

I still do not trust people, avoid crowds and carry an enormous amount of worry.

That’s powerful for what I consider a benign symptom.

Does anyone understand this?

PTSD: The Internal Dialogue


We enter situations with past fear of failure and distrust looming inside us. This is the battle we face every day, engage and risk or choose safety and isolate.

Navigating some situations and people requires mental and physical preparation combined with an enormous amount of energy.



It is an internal dialogue, sometimes an internal battle, an immense distraction to the flow of life.

While we carry on a conversation, this dialogue runs in the background. We are distracted, confused while trying to respond intelligently.

Before we reach a destination, a party, a class, a meeting, etc., we weigh the risk assessment, then devise a plan if possible.

People and places can hold special danger from past triggers.

Can we leave, and retreat if things go wrong? Do we have an escape plan? I do!

We multitask inside our minds, two thoughts, and two conversations run simultaneously.

Reacting quickly is difficult, our intake needs time to decipher both dialogues.

If we reach the firing of our fight or flight mechanism, we freeze.

It is beneficial if we can find a safe place to participate.

I have ventured out joining two groups lately.

It is not easy, nothing worthwhile has ever been easy, has it?

Swimming Upstream

For abused kids, PTSD happens way before we have any understanding of trauma.

For me, PTSD came into my consciousness around 55 after a family crisis.

Many subconscious symptoms had become habits, under the radar during those 50 years.

I always avoided, isolated without knowing the reason.

We call ourselves homebodies, a pleasant way of saying, loners.

My circle of friends was small, trust was always an issue in my life.

As I peruse my life at 70, this is the landscape.

I can change some things and strive to improve what is possible.

Even if we have to swim upstream, we have to swim or suffer.

We just do not get as far as regular humans.

I never expect to be normal, my expectations are grounded and doable.

We all can improve, that is our daily challenge.

This is our daily battle of doing the work, the road less traveled.



It is easy to give up, to numb ourselves, to act like a victim.

Being scared, vulnerable but still taking action is our goal.

PTSD is a very personal disorder, our sanity is at stake.

Trust can sneak up on you

I was triggered yesterday in the online Kundalini group. We have a daily online group at 7 am During the week and at 8 am on weekends.


We have a WhatsApp group chat to facilitate sharing and community.

I experienced the PTSD upset, a sense of danger, the physical reaction, intense sweating, and intrusive thoughts.

Instead of isolating myself, I shared my experience with the group.

Inside this group, I feel respected and safe.

That sounds like trust.

It can sneak up on you when you least expect it.

Sometimes we have to lean in more, risk a little more and do the opposite of what PTSD wants us to do.

Instead of the usual aftermath of being triggered, isolated and upset, I feel part of the group, calm, and included.

They supported me and gave me great feedback and empathy.

PTSD still rages at times but as Rudid96 says, I will continue swimming upstream for a while.

P.S. What a pain in the ass I must be. I am a lightning rod for discussion, never at a loss for topics.

Do you feel understood, safe, and respected by people?..


People think Healing is a simple action, we are weak in their minds.

All we have to do is not think about the abuse or abuser.

People do not understand Complex PTSD, serious childhood abuse, or us.

If it were a physical wound, a big nasty boil, or maybe us in a wheelchair, people would treat us differently.



Tell a woman who was sexually molested by her dad to just stay present and not think about it.

In my mind that is cruel and damaging, uninformed.

We are failures in their judgment.

I know I am for some of my former friends.

I know better than reacting but I get triggered, then anger seeps in.

Navigating people is an adventure and not a pleasant one most of the time.

I wonder if they know the damage that is possible.

I doubt it from their words.

How do we attach to and navigate people, strangers, friends, or enemies?

No wonder we isolate, we want to feel safe, understood, and respected.

Do you feel understood, safe, and respected by people?

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