. It has been a while since I posted. I needed an emotional break.
Recently, while examining my behavior and habits, fear of failure was always under the surface.
Even retired, my fear of failure influences my behavior and emotional state.
I would say many professional athletes compete out of fear of failure.
We feel it’s a trial of worthiness, every challenge, game, or tournament.
If it’s a team sport, we fear letting our teammates down.
In sports, a lack of performance leads to firing, death to who we thought we were. My mother told me God made me to be a professional baseball player. Who can I be now at 71?
Some athletes have considerable difficulty losing their supposed true identity.
Fear of failure is jet fuel for worry.
Self-worth has an enormous influence on every aspect of life.
My work is to be aware of fear’s influence, then adjust letting these emotions release.
The more that I can stay present, the better chance for equanimity.
“Equanimity is steady through vicissitudes, equally close to the things you may like and the things you do not like.” By Sheila Catherine . .
. . My online kundalini teacher passed away yesterday. She was only 51.
There was something special about Jenn, a quality, a fearlessness, and a selfless way of living. I found her meditation group online during covid.
After five years at a zen center, no one resembled her. I sensed a special being, a selfless warrior who placed herself in the middle of others’ trauma without fear for her mental health.
Meticulously I showed up every day trying to understand how she became who she was. Somehow, someway, she elevated her being.
Jenn had a way of making you feel safe. She would make time between appointments to talk to me. I always felt better after our conversations.
Jenn was the purest person, charismatic to a fault that I have ever come across.
She always had a different perspective, outside the box.
Here is an example:
“Pray for yourself to find peace and healing, pray for them to do the same, pray for forgiveness to release yourself and forgiveness to release them. Pray for an opening in your ego to allow the heart to temper it all with love and grace.”
We all feel blessed to have known her and feel a void now that she has passed.
Our fight or flight mechanism firing is what we think of normal fear.
Cortisol, adrenaline gets dumped into our bloodstream along with bp, heart rate, and respiration increasing.
That deep thud in our solar plexus freezes us temporarily.
Some of PTSD fear uses the same mechanism when a trigger fires.
Other PTSD fears are more abstract, they are connected to past violent trauma
I think these are implicit memories, subconscious and abstract.
“Implicit memory relies on structures in our brain that are fully developed before we are born. Because it’s an unconscious, bodily memory, when it gets triggered in the present, it does not seem like it’s coming from the past.
Instead, it feels like it’s happening now.
Thus, we react as if we are back in the original situation.”
From These Invisible Memories Shape Our Lives Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.
This is why PTSD feels so alive, so ever-present. . .
BPD (sometimes called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, or EUPD) is a lifelong mood disorder which can affect how someone thinks, feels, perceives, and relates to others.
People with BPD may struggle with a fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviour, intense emotions and relationships, and an unstable self-image.
Although there’s no single cause, research suggests genetics and brain chemistry may make someone more susceptible to the condition.
BPD often stems from prolonged childhood trauma, which can also increase someone’s chance of developing PTSD. PTSD is a psychological response to a traumatic event (which of course might include childhood events).
The symptoms of PTSD can include flashbacks, depression, anxiety, shame, anger and relationship problems.
Can someone have both BPD and PTSD?
It’s thought that between 25% and 60% of people with BPD also have PTSD. This could be because living with a mood disorder can both increase the risk of experiencing a traumatic situation, and make it more likely that experiencing a traumatic event leads to PTSD.
When someone has both conditions, the symptoms tend to be worse than if they had BPD or PTSD alone.
PTSD can increase the likelihood of dissociative, intrusive and suicidal thoughts in people with BPD.
That’s why it’s so important to get the correct diagnosis.
Making a correct diagnosis for BPD or PTSD
BPD can sometimes be mistaken for PTSD or C-PTSD, and vice-versa.
C-PTSD is a subset of PTSD which is associated with long-term or chronic exposure to trauma – much like BPD.
Both can cause emotional distress, mood swings, flashbacks, anxiety and anger.
It’s thought there are some generalised key differences to look out for, but of course, everybody is different:
Although both conditions can lead to problems maintaining personal relationships, people with BPD tend to fear abandonment, whereas people with C-PTSD may avoid intimacy or relationships altogether because of ‘feeling somehow unlovable or undeserving because of the abuse they endured’.
People with BPD are more likely to self-harm, than people with PTSD or C-PTSD.
‘While both those with BPD and C-PTSD struggle with emotional regulation and often experience outbursts of anger or crying, those with C-PTSD may experience emotional numbing, emptiness, or a detachment from emotions.’
Someone with PTSD may be calmed by going to a familiar environment and being reassured that they are safe. This might irritate someone with BPD, who may respond more positively to being told their feelings are valid.
People with PTSD are more likely to be triggered by a specific external trigger and think and behave rationally outside those triggers.
For people with BPD, the triggers tend to be internal thoughts and feelings, which can be less predictable.
Unfortunately, because of the overlap in symptoms, and because some differences appear similar from the outside, some people with C-PTSD end up being misdiagnosed with BPD, or vice-versa.
Sometimes someone will have both conditions, but only one is picked up.” . .
“Social anxiety disorder, also known as social phobia, is a form of anxiety that causes intense fear and embarrassment in social situations.
For example, it’s common to feel slightly nervous when meeting new people or speaking in public. People with social anxiety disorder can experience a paralyzing fear that makes it hard for them to live everyday life.
We now know that social anxiety disorder affects more than just relationships, work, and other daily activities — it also affects the brain.
Researchers have found that critical areas in the brains of socially anxious people function differently. These areas mainly involve processing emotion, danger, and social cues.
What causes social anxiety?
It’s still not clear exactly what causes social anxiety. Research from 2022 suggests that genetic and environmental influences cause social anxiety, such as upbringing and life experiences.
Research has revealed certain areas of the brain that play a role in fear and anxiety, and we know that genetics affects their function. But researchers don’t yet know which specific genes those are.
Children of controlling, overprotective, or intrusive parents are more likely to develop a social anxiety disorder.
Stressful life events such as sexual or emotional abuse also increase the risk of developing the disorder.
The hope is that by studying how the brain is affected by social anxiety, researchers can develop more effective treatments for the disorder.”
PTSD - A Way Out.com 
