Posts Tagged ‘ACCEPTANCE’

Childhood abuse happens over years and years

Quotes (Inspirational +Motivational+Love Quotes)



Inside my head, childhood abuse (trauma) is extremely confusing, memory extremely spotty, and accuracy is influenced by the terror at the time it was stored.

The duration of time involved, 13, 14 or 15 years maybe.

The incidents of abuse are to many, to varied and to jumbled together to see a clear narrative.

Childhood abuse carries a ghostly quality for us, things did not work out. We will carry certain traits through life because of this abuse.

That is what we face. Know the enemy.

My inward exploration of PTSD has helped me improve.

I know exactly where my trauma manifests in my body.

I take my breath into the center of my solar plexus, observing the unrest with a curiosity.

In due time, my fight or flight mechanism became my friend, trauma did not scare me after that.

Oh it has risen up and disrupted my life, but I am not afraid of my PTSD anymore.

Reflect on your relationship with your PTSD.

You probably have experienced the worst PTSD can do to you already.

We get lost and confused.

Why fear what you have been able to endure for how long, years?

Responses are encouraged, this is not meant to be a monologue.



Believe what your actions tell you, not your thought. . .

Pinterest: YourTango



Every part of us does not have PTSD. I have found areas inside me that are not traumatized.

We all have what spiritual shamans call true self, soul.

It’s the part of us that has been the same since birth.

Thought can not sense it, or feel it. Trauma can never reach it, only we can access it .

Intuition is how I have bumped into it by mistake and then on purpose.

Below cognition, under the Ego exists another world without PTSD.

We can visit, recharge and use this focus to heal a little each day. This soothing space is available to all of us.

Surely I desire that my visits (Meditations) produce total healing, and quickly.

It does not work that way. It works slowly.

Without it I would be dead of a heart attack from triggers firing 15 times a day.

Meditation helped me stop my fight or flight mechanism from firing.

My nervous system cruises at a higher pace than normal people, however it does not erupt anymore.

Most people on this earth have not experienced their fight or flight mechanism firing off like death was an arms length away 15 times a day.

I was a basket case for months. Survival seemed bleak if I did not shut this mechanism down.

That did not happen overnight.

Many hours with no return or hope is what every sunrise brought.

You have to believe improvement is somewhere in the near future.

With all my soul, I believe that.

I have experience of healing where this has been true over and over again.

Believe what your actions tell you, not your thought.



Been Observing my ptsd

The GRATITUDE JAR || Josie Robinson



Been observing my PTSD, trying to be detached, using my ability to focus on my breath, to take a step back.

We need to carve out a space between these trauma emotions and our core (soul, heart).

High emotional danger can overtake us.

Now, I am working on forgiving myself for assuming the blame for others abuse and betrayal.

Guilt was a permanent present my narcissistic dad shared with me over a childhood.

It hides in my subconscious, stealthy, influencing self image.

Forgiving myself for not being brave, not reacting with courage and especially for always feeling unworthy.

I forgive myself for not thinking I had a right to be alive.

My memory has more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese, I have no idea how all this happened in one life.

All we control is our effort and attitude.

I get up each day and do my best.

Will our trauma travel with us into the afterlife?



Origin of thoughts


Exercise: Close your eyes and focus on the breath intently, long slow breaths at first.

Bring awareness to your thoughts from a distance. Be aware of their movement, see how they flow, how they move, how they interact with the thought before and after it.

Now trace the thoughts back to their origin. The Cognitive generator.

Where do thoughts generate from in the brain, the source.

If we visualize a source like this, the idea of the mind mysteriously generating 60,000 thoughts a day out of air collapses.

Thoughts are just air and 60,000 makes a lot of hot air. We definitely are not aware of a thought every second.

Thoughts come from a finite place, just part of the brain, not some power source for our being.

Now that we have picked a spot in our brain that churns out thoughts, can you see the spaces in between thoughts.

Can you see when one thought ends and another starts.

Back away from thoughts content and watch how it lives, acts, arrives then departs.

How long does it stay and why do certain thoughts gain a conscious audience while others we never are aware of.

Defense or survival tops all thought in importance.

Our PTSD must have great influence on what thoughts we grasp.

Thoughts have great power on our PTSD.



My mind has certain tendencies.

Pixabay: QuinceCreative



Living my childhood in survival mode most of the time, impacted the way my mind would work the rest of my life.

Repeated abuse hardwired the way my mind reacted to the external world.

Maybe you share some of these traits.

My mind does a deep dive when PTSD trigger situations confront me.

Friends are shocked how long I focus on an event.

Thoughts never slow down when PTSD activates, worry is always present.

This type of fear was generated before my mind developed so it has a ghostly quality.

Some abuse happened before the parts to heal in the brain were formed.

I spend time trying to figure the cause, then ways to escape this nightmare.

Some of us lost the birth lottery.

My trauma thoughts make my nervous system rev higher than normal people.

Subconsciously my mind is on guard, sort of an invisible danger sensor.

I have observed my mind and nervous system act when no real danger existed.

I work on being gentle with myself now

Yesterday meditating I visualized me at 10, then I surrounded him with kindness and approval.

My mind also gives effort each day to heal a little.

We must resist.



Subconscious things we practice from childhood abuse

The Minds Journal

Choices: loner, loser, lover. I am a loner
Loser no way, lover, I have no idea what love is.



Daily childhood abuse made an imprint. Everyday in childhood, the unknown danger would materialize. It was real, concrete and painful.

I had no ability to influence my abuse or abuser.

Each week would bring more terror, more pain. Then an uneasy feeling became permanent, I felt like something bad was going to happen.

In childhood it did.

This morning, I felt that uneasiness. My awareness noticed this was a subconscious trait that has gone unnoticed.

It is nothing like childhood, it is the remnants of that time, the residual of abuse on my nervous system and brain.

I have found many subconscious things running from my childhood.

They were all mechanisms to survive the moment but do more harm now.

We have to unplug these.

My body fearing the unknown like this, has been practiced at least 65 years.

Many are very subtle, stealthy, not thought, an uneasy feeling, abstract nothing concrete.

I have tried to unplug this invisible prison many times.

Everything goes along well until a crisis hits, then all hell breaks loose.


Childhood abuse: Formation of our Ego

Dr. Anne Brown



Our Ego should be carefully created like a resume. A lively rejoice of our great qualities.

Wow, I wish with all my heart.

Resumes do not have any negative words, admission of loss or highlighted weaknesses.

Abused kids create an Ego that is flawed, it has elements of unworthiness, as it creates not only a damaged Ego but a dangerous world.

Our created Ego has never known a time without abuse, he/she never has experienced what normal people think or feel.

Attachments are dysfunctional and abusive in our childhoods.

My low was not thinking I had a right to be alive. True story.

It is insidious as a disease the way it impacts our mind and heart.

I have worked many hours recreating a normal Ego, but stress or crisis brings PTSD and the old Ego thrives.

Our self image was distorted by abuse and criticism, we never felt good enough, this feeling seems to be there from birth for us.

It is haunting not to have a memory where we felt ok, normal, deserving.

Creating a new Ego, working feverishly to heal, has only garnered short periods of freedom from my abused Ego.

He feels so hard wired, I have no remembrance of feeling ok, ever.

How are we supposed to feel? What do kids not abused feel like?

My abuse plays everyday, on its own, it brings not good enough trauma, it brings shame.

Every day I try to distract my mind, try to let the shame go, try to stay present.

I am exhausted and worn down from the constant onslaught of intrusive thoughts.

My mind is attacking my sanity.

It does not care that it harms the host.

That is childhood abuse matured into adult Complex PTSD.



PTSD: we have to take responsibility for our craziness



I have two close friends that I have shared my feelings, my day to day details with.

I have worn them out. No way a mind not damaged from severe childhood abuse, can undedertsnd how intense and non stop trauma thoughts can be for us.

I can be an asshole to others when I am wrestling my demon. No excuse a fact.

It is the same storyline for us, repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Each time we die inside, it feels real.

That makes no sense to anyone else, but I suffer reliving it.

Our trauma is stored in a certain way. That’s how we relive it.

How could anyone understand, who has not lived this nightmare.

Sharing what my mind does everyday to me, has driven them nuts.

Now, I am not sharing with anyone, this blog is it.

It hurts to know none of my friends have a clue, how I suffer.

In a way, I am glad, no way they need to suffer.

People can not fix us, that compassion turns to frustration.

Better to suffer in silence. My opinion.

Sharing my life, my trauma, is not safe with regular folk, now.

Life has quiet, silent moments now, part of me is not of this world.

I am attached to so few human beings, now.

The quiet brings solace to my damaged soul.

Happiness happens when I am alone, at least I can find it.

Being safe or trusting others will never be part of my life.

Being severely abused as a kid has life long consequences.

People will always be dangerous for me.

Navigate that childhood terror.

Why others read my blog is a mystery.

I hurt to my very core.



When PTSD is percolating: What’s it like?




What is a day like when PTSD is active, alive and percolating.

In as little as five seconds it has grasped our consciousness with an old, traumatic, intrusive thought.

My head drops, the strong emotions churn my stomach, somehow they are alive and intense.

Some days this happens multiple times each hour, others days it can run constantly without any input from me.

No way to unring that trauma 🛎 bell.

Best I can do is limit its duration.

When active these thoughts, fear and humiliation haunt my consciousness.

My damn mind, in an insidious way, is enthralled with my worst trauma.

I beat it back, let it go, focus and meditate but he is always right under the surface.

Maybe in due time, I will Succeed but for now life has suffering.

I have come to the point where I accept my suffering.

Running from it or denying it exists, brings more grief.

Accepting my suffering, let’s me not give up. I do not not have to run, get upset or react.

Or make it any bigger.

Each day I meditate with all my intensity, taking physical actions to heal.

That is the utmost of importance.

We do not control results.

We control effort and attitude. That’s it.



Updated: Awareness: know your trauma Patterns

An example of what a functional MRI scan looks like. Brain activation is averaged across 20 PTSD patients compared to healthy controls in an emotion regulation task.



Yes, I am drawing a pattern out of only two episodes of trauma in my life.

Here are a few patterns I notice.

The obvious, my trauma buries itself quite deeply for decades.

This pattern allows trauma to have subconscious impact without anytime spent trying to heal.

My childhood abuse did not erupt until I was in my fifties.

Secondly, the first couple of months are extremely intense.

My nervous system is agitated and intrusive thoughts seem to come at a rate of a Gatling gun firing.

I see that my whole personality changes.

One of my symptoms brings the feeling of imminent danger to my being.

It is irrational and very confusing.

Imminent danger for me is not physical, I fear the annihilating of my ego, emotional death in a sense.

I am intense, consumed and out of my gourd for a couple months.

You have witnessed this in my recent posts.

I sound and act like a victim, hopeless, helpless, it is embarrassing but sharing will help others push through their humiliating thoughts.

At my lowest, agoraphobic, hiding in my dark garage during the day, I thought something was going to come through the tile roof and do something worse than death.

Look how abstract that fear is. I have no idea what is coming through the roof, man, animal or alien.

My danger does not need a gender or even an origin but it is what I fear most, the unknown.

PTSD has that unknown quality about it.

The tragic memory is incomplete at the time trauma happens.

If it happened in childhood, the brain has not fully developed, storing an incomplete, distorted memory.

Somewhere in our background we need that skill that does not give up when all Common sense says it is the prudent choice.

At my lowest, Agoraphobic, contemplating suicide, a moment of clarity and strength surfaced for me.

From somewhere deep inside my head, the words, my abuser, my dad wins if I give up.

That may seem a feeble judgment by some, but every fiber in my body would not allow him to win.

In a crazy moment of crisis, I accepted my suffering, decided I would rather sit and suffer than let my dad win.

I did not realize this was a pivotal moment on my healing journey, inside my ego, that inner voice knew I would never give up.

Healing from PTSD is a war zone, expect the turmoil as part of the journey.

Ironically, surviving my fathers abuse developed the traits that helped me heal.

We have to fight for our wellbeing, fight the demons our childhoods created.




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