Posts Tagged ‘ACCEPTANCE’

The Journey for abused Kids

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In the beginning, healing was always slow, an amazing amount of time and effort are invested for a small return.

Healing was so subtle I did not notice for months, small improvements were underway.

A trauma event as an adult, brain fully developed, is much different than childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma has a depth, a plethora of unknowns, seemingly unending instances of more abuse.

This creates some big issues.

An adult endures abuse or a horrible accident and develops PTSD. He/She knows what a normal non-traumatized existence feels like.

He/She has a finite, one-off trauma to deal with. Healing is much quicker, much easier with good tools and effort.

His/Her brain is developed and handles trauma much differently than a kid with a brain incapable of handling life.

An abused kid has never experienced a normal life, never known life without emotional or physical abuse.

An abused kid’s brain is altered from that trauma, smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala, and compromised prefrontal cortex.

Our brains are injured and trauma is mixed up with brain development. As an adult, we fail to realize we need in-depth counseling or maybe in-house therapy.

We do not have a basis to understand our life is screwed up.

We have never experienced normal, how do we know what life is like for others.

My friends think I am just crazy, weak, and stuck. They have simple fixes, then question me for not being brave enough or skilled enough to live life as they do.

I wonder how they would have survived my childhood, my dad.

I did not seek help until I was about 60.

We are similar to narcissist, how can we see something wrong with us with nothing to compare it to. Life has always been like this for us, we have not experienced support or attachment or normalcy.

Childhood abuse is a well with no bottom, no end, no hope.

That is how it feels and looks to us at times.

None of this allows us to give up trying to heal.

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I struggle with Forgiveness

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How do we forgive, I have prayed for peace, healing, and forgiveness, inserted compassion, and opened my heart?

I have accepted, surrendered, forgave silently, verbally out loud, and written it down.

Cognitively I know forgiving benefits me, frees me but the damaged feelings persist, the scenario keeps playing as I battle to extinguish it.

Forgiveness is different than integrating triggers, unplugging the fight or flight mechanism, or handling other symptoms like hypervigilance, avoidance, or agoraphobia.

Where is the crack in this armor of trauma, forgiveness does not happen with my words, actions, or intention so far?

Forgiveness has resisted all my tools, all my skills so far, and all my effort.

How do I get that memory to stop playing, stop haunting, stop ruining my life?

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Jousting with Forgiveness

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Healing is unpacking old habits, then repeatedly and persistently inserting new healthy habits.

Like staying present instead of dissociating or letting go of thought instead of ruminating or following body sensations instead of the emotion.

Not forgiving is a huge impediment to my healing.

I replace it first with my mantra, “Forgivness is for me”.

Slowly as I delve deeper into finding ways to forgive, resistance is stiff at times, but other times the path is open.

One big change, I have decided to forgive, I will find a way.

My inner critic has received the message and recognizes I am dead serious.

Know thy enemy.

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The Tug of War: Ego vs Inner Critic

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My vicious inner critic has close ties to my male Ego, constantly reminding me of past wrongs and failures.

My inner critic loves using blame to fuel his dominance in my conscious life.

What better way of dominating our mind than bringing highly emotional, judgmental thoughts.

Trauma explodes when we grasp this rope.

PTSD is fueled in this scenario.

I have spent countless hours blaming and punishing Abusers in my visual recreations.

A total waste of time and energy, somehow we have to forgive and surrender or be owned by our abuse (abuser).

This is a tug of war, grab the rope with only one arm and the whole body is attached.

Compartmentalization does not work with trauma.

I have run from forgiving in the past, now I plant my flag and engage forgiveness.

Follow me or let me be your test dummy.

My male ego needs a revision, a spiritual awakening of sorts.

My inner critic can kiss my ass.

Sorry for that raw emotion.

Sarcasm is my vehicle of choice on this journey.

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Healing is counterintuitive,

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Healing is counterintuitive, fighting PTSD is not what you think.

Instead of battling trauma, we accept, surrender and hopefully forgive to wage our war.

Being humble then vulnerable is needed to improve or heal.

That’s not the gung-ho battle charge we see in the movies.

The war with trauma is internal, intuitive and irrational.

Forgiving frees me, forgiveness is for me.

I am praying for the strength to forgive.

Funny to ask, do I have the courage to forgive?

Never thought of it like that, it takes so much courage to forgive, far more than resist and hate.

I have faced so many demons, why is forgiveness the hardest?

Many others were cortisol filled with a perceived threat but forgiveness is a different foe.

Hard to attack forgiveness like intrusive thoughts.

We want to annihilate intrusive thoughts, shut down our fight or flight mechanism, calm our nervous system, mindfully follow our body sensation, but what the hell do we do with forgiveness.

I wanted to get rid of all of those things, but forgiving I avoided, it scared and enraged me.

Forgiving exposes us to what we fear about the abuse (abuser), frozen from the shame, we avoid forgiving out of survival, we think.

The battle with forgiveness has begun for me.

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A Canary in a Cage,,,,,,,,,,,Awareness

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This idea is from “Forgive what you can not forget”, we need an awareness as keen as a canary in a cage as we go down into the coal mine, to the depths of our abuse.

I take everything way to personally, never forget the damage inflicted by others and look to discredit or do damage back.

That canary would be in the emergency room headed for ICU without some awareness.

Looks like I steered a decade of in depth meditation around forgiveness. Five hours a day for five years and forgiveness was coated with Teflon.

If I were Superman this is my kyrtonite, my blind spot, my habit of blaming others, being extremely rigid and shallow.

Whew that’s a harsh assessment, truly expected from my inner critic. My inner critic is viscous.

He is an expert at criticism, a failure at approval, acceptance, wellbeing.

It’s a pessimistic attitude, when I take a step back. That brings a sadness to my soul.

Hard to be reasonable when I am outraged, projecting dads constant criticism to present life.

Man, blinds spots are so obvious to others.

With all my reading, therapy and meditation how did this giant stay hidden.

My therapists never pointed this out.

Or did I never hear them?

This is all good, discovery is awesome, maybe painful but it is the path.

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unresolved pain and unhealed hurts

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From “Forgiving what you can not Forget”

“Have you ever been around someone who personalizes everything?

No matter what you say, they immediately filter it through unresolved pain and unhealed hurts from experiences they’ve had in their life story.

They don’t forget things said to them.

They are always building a case to support their perceptions.

They quickly assign wrong motives and negative interpretations to what is done and said to them.

They believe with all their heart things like, They don’t like me. They don’t think I’m smart, Etc.”

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My two cents: Oh my, I resemble these words, sounds like childhood PTSD talking loudly!

Do you have any of these traits, symptoms?

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PTSD: Love is a thing of depth.


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From “Forgive What you can not forget”


“Love is a thing of depth.

When forced to stay on the surface, it flounders about like a fish out of water.

A fish can’t live on the surface, because it can’t breathe. It breathes oxygen but not from the surface air.

Fish pull water through their gills, which dissolve the oxygen from the water and dispense it into their bodies.

If they don’t get below the surface, they will be starved of what gives them life.

Love is a bit like that.

Love needs depth to live.

Love needs honesty to grow.

Love needs trust to survive.
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My two cents: What do abused kids know about love?

Love was no part of my childhood experience, violence, abuse and turmoil filled my youth.

Now I see my father never forgave, never felt remorse, I did not understand how a narcissist thought or behaved.

I have no idea what love is or how to forgive.

Awareness of our flaws always starts the process of change.

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How to use our Meditation to heal

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“Pray for yourself to find peace and healing, pray for them to do the same, pray for forgiveness to release yourself and forgiveness to release them. Pray for an opening in your ego to allow the heart to temper it all with love and grace.”

My two cents: How do I go about accomplishing these goals?

First by setting intention before meditation.

I was taught to ask for information, knowledge not solutions in my intention.

Asking for different ways, different ideas, outside the box that will help me succeed, has helped me in the past.

It uses the law of attraction and the basic building block of neuroscience, where we place our attention grows, where we withhold withers and dies.

There must be many ways to find peace and healing.

It’s like climbing a ladder, each rung we ascend expands our horizon, our visual reality.

How many ways are there to open our hearts that I have never entertained.

The big issue for me is forgiveness. Praying for the ability to forgive is a unique approach.

Trying to just forgive has not worked for me yet.

The hurt and shame feel alive, present, oh PTSD is so irrational.

That’s why the phrase “Pray for an opening in your ego to allow the heart to temper it all with love and grace” gives me hope.

Cognitively or rationally forgiveness feels impossible, opening the heart seems the only path.

What has worked in your attempts at forgiving the abuser or abusers?

Next post we will craft an affirmation around our goals.

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Coping better is my Goal

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I do not think there is a cure for childhood abuse (C-PTSD), do not think there is a space where we say, I am healed.

It is possible to learn coping skills, navigate life, and find some wellbeing.

Childhood trauma is hard wired while the brain developed, so it is never going to disappear.

There is a huge difference between actively coping with PTSD and being a victim.

Knowing I will never heal is not an opportunity to give up, the journey is the same, the results maybe different than total healing, that’s all.

I am not healed but my life has both wellbeing and suffering.

Coping is using my trauma skills to minimize PTSD’s impact when activated.

When PTSD is dormant, I Strengthen my mindfulness skills, always preparing for the next battle.

It is a precarious existence, often an internal war being waged inside the mind.

Remember our hippocampus is smaller while our amygdala is larger, combined with the left Prefrontal cortex being compromised.

Trauma will explode from time to time as we navigate life.

Our goal is to live and risk in the midst of PTSD terror and enjoy our trauma free Periods fully.

Our challenges come when intrusive thoughts bombard us at a rapid pace, then our fight or flight mechanism fires, how we handle this perceived threat determines life.

Be prepared, develop as many coping skills as possible and practice daily.

There are no guarantees with childhood trauma, life will suck at times, unworthiness and fear will prevail at times.

We do have a choice, resist or give up, deciding not to have PTSD is not an option I am aware of.

We have to be determined, courageous and have the ability to take action in the face of fear and anxiety.

I have learned not to resent my place on this earth, that is a victims stance.

Life Axiom: Sedentary is closer to death, action closer to life.

Healing takes daily action, suffering arrives without effort.

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