Posts Tagged ‘ACCEPTANCE’

Rudid96 asks am I afraid of my triggers?



I am not afraid, I have chased my triggers down, brought my meditation practice physically into the center of that mechanism.

I sat in public places while my fight or flight fired, then used my focused breath to dissipate the cortisol and adrenaline.

My fight or flight calmed and stopped firing because of any trauma trigger.

I do avoid though, pick and choose where I go, not out of fear but more discomfort or lack of reward.

I do not fear my triggers but that did not restore my trust.

Ptsd has altered the way I exist, how few I trust.

Ptsd has changed and matured for me, gone is the high anxiety fear, replaced by the thoughts and depression.

I can navigate life, choose where and when I participate.

My fear is more from the unknown about to happen, I do not trust life.

If you were born into narcissistic control and violence, it is hard to think things will turn out alright anytime in your life.

Looking back the loss of trust has done the most damage.

The risk of betrayal is what I fear, Rudid96.

I have never felt safe around people, my existence is shallow.

It has shaped my personality and narrowed my life.

Navigating pain and suffering, does it Fluctuate



Whether we experience chronic pain or strong emotions, their intensity and duration fluctuate.

How long does a strong emotion last, ten minutes, an hour, a day, or longer?

How about chronic pain, it can last a lifetime, but it fluctuates, intensity spikes, then recede with stimulus.

I have found the biggest influences are attitude and thoughts. Being sedentary, acting like a victim, increases suffering.

For me, being part of a 15 person chronic pain group highlighted this importance.

For instance, if I fear my pain, it gains power.

Pain lasts longer and becomes more intense, more problematic.

My thoughts are the big influencer, for good or more suffering.

Let’s take my chronic pain: I do not fear my pain, I know it fluctuates and does no damage until it reaches an intolerable pain level.

This lets me ignore my pain 95% of the time.

The less I entertain thoughts about my chronic pain or PTSD, the more enjoyable my life becomes.

How about you, ever think of how your thoughts increase suffering?

Ptsd pain reacts the same way.

Our tightly held thoughts and emotions have a great impact on suffering or lack of suffering.

Updated: THE PAIN PARADOX from “Trauma Sensitive Mindfulness”.


There is one more idea in Buddhism and MBSR that shapes our orientation to mindfulness: the notion that our avoidance of suffering can exacerbate it.



Mindfulness experts John Briere and Catherine Scott referred to this as the pain paradox—the observation that our natural tendency to escape, deny, or withdraw from pain only intensifies and prolongs the distress.

What we resist, the saying goes, persists.

This paradox was key to Kabat-Zinn’s introduction of MBSR to the medical community. (

When he originally approached doctors with the idea of having patients meditate, Kabat-Zinn was advocating for a fundamentally different approach to suffering—one that lay at the heart of the Buddhist tradition he’d trained in.

“From the perspective of mindfulness,” he wrote, “
nothing needs fixing.

Nothing needs to be forced to stop, or change, or go away.”

Perhaps not surprisingly, this idea raised eyebrows.

Western medicine was built largely on helping alleviate people’s pain, offering interventions such as medication or surgery.

Mindfulness ran completely counter to this paradigm. How could paying closer attention to one’s pain alleviate it?

Yet doctors were also open to the idea.
Each of them had patients they couldn’t cure and who were resistant to conventional treatment approaches. Doctors and their patients had little to lose.

The first MBSR studies thus began with those who were suffering from chronic pain.

Kabat-Zinn wanted to see whether they could mobilize their own internal responses to the suffering they were experiencing. “We invited them, paradoxically,” he said, “to put the welcome mat out for whatever sensations they were experiencing, just to see if they could attend to them moment by moment and ‘befriend’ the actuality of their experience, even briefly.”

The results were successful. Patients found that their relationship to pain shifted positively when they practiced mindfulness.

At times, their pain even disappeared. Patients also reported discovering that the vexing sensations that lived inside them were transient and shifting.

Rather than being constant throughout their day, the pain was shifting over time—a huge realization for those who felt perpetually burdened by their bodies.

Mindfulness was helping people relate to their pain differently.

For some, it was even opening a door to a freedom they had forgotten or had previously not known.

Use the creative side of the brain to heal

The cognitive side of the brain wants to handle complex things, accelerate to hyper speed, even multi-task at times.


Ptsd and depression power up using thoughts, thinking, ruminating, and anxiety.

Meditation/Mindfulness slows the mind down, focuses on the breath, allows the body to go at warp speed as the mind empties of thought.

Thought drives the cognitive side, always running, always creating more and more thoughts.

Solving the world’s most complex problem, like Einstein inventing E= mc2 does not necessarily lead to a happy life.

Thoughts and happiness can be estranged concepts.

I am happiest when thought has ceased and simple clarity reigns, the sight of a flower, the special fragrance brings a smile.

Our thoughts and memories are the problems for PTSD sufferers.

Ptsd memories trap us in our past, thoughts are the vehicle of remembrance, triggers are the physiological consequence.

I am happiest while existing in this present moment, free of thought, worry, doubt and fear.

Thinking can change this instantly.

It’s a razor’s edge when our Ptsd is active.

Thinking is a small part of our mind’s capability.

The creative right hemisphere is expansive, thought is feeble compared to this almost infinite space.

The cognitive side of the brain is a beach ball, the right creative hemisphere is the pacific ocean.

Remember trauma is stored in the amygdala on the right side of the brain.

We can not access the right hemisphere consciously, herein lies the rub.


Our PTSD fear is invisible to others


Others see our fear (triggers) like this, they see no danger while our fight or flight mechanism explodes.

Ptsd fear: When a past event elicits fear, a deep, deep fear, a special memory is stored in a special place, beyond our cognitive reach.

We will have to learn skills enabling us to stay focused, calm and aware when the fight or flight erupts to access these memories

When fully activated by a current visual, a certain smell, maybe a confined space, or the backfiring of a car can fire our adrenal stress response, better known as the fight or flight mechanism.

It’s that sudden, paralyzing jolt in the solar plexus, we humans experience this as fear.

The fight or flight mechanism: Physiological Effects; Tunnel vision, hearing loss, fine motor skills disappear, time is distorted along with blood pressure, heart rate, and pulse spike, finally the stimulants cortisol and adrenaline are secreted.

Thinking can be many things from, unable to think at all, confusion and numbness, frozen unable to move or think, the proverbial deer in the headlights scenario.

I won this battle with Ptsd, the calming of my fight or flight mechanism. The emotional and cognitive healing still eludes me.

With daily practice and application, slowly I started becoming more familiar less afraid of the mechanism.

Over time I could sit in the middle of my triggers exploding.

This is only half the war, integrating the cognitive and emotional part are much easier with the fight or flight acting normal.

Use your strengths, adapt things to maximize healing.

Daily Practice has no Substitute


“I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks 1 time, but I fear the man who has practiced 1 kick 10,000 times.”

My two cents: Healing follows Bruce Lee’s mantra, we take a simple skill, breathing..

Repetition strengthens focus and skill levels, so practicing the breath 10,000 times makes it bulletproof.

When triggers fire, the best defense is a skill that has no connection to thought, no weakness under high anxiety.

The breath has this potential.

Whether 10,000 or 100,000 focused breaths, practice is all that separates us from mastery.

What holds you back?


Awareness, then adapt,

When my childhood trauma exploded a decade ago, I was already disabled physically from a highway triple rollover.



The one thing I had an abundance of was free time.

Trying to heal replaced my career, every day I would invest in reading, meditating, exercising, and applying the learned skills (A minimum of eight hours a day).

My daughter tells me it was way too much, I have identified with my trauma. It is hard for me to deny her allegations.

The books I read have all been about trauma, neuroscience, war, and the spiritual side.

Not a one for pleasure.

I lead a mindfulness group and write this blog.

My life revolves around my Complex Ptsd and depression.

My decade of effort has not separated me from my suffering but connected me to it more.

Now, what direction is the correct pivot?

I am back to my meditation practice, focusing on my breath, calming my being, and opening my heart.

Do we ever break free of childhood abuse and habits?

I find the isolation and lack of autonomy the most damaging scars from my childhood.



My father was a puppetmaster, he told me who I would be, what I would believe in, and who I could be or could not be friends with.

He controlled the depth of all friendships, and others he did not like.

All the stats say community, having support is excellent for healing.

I have no history of community except for team sports and I guess work.

My dad isolated me for greater control, whether it damaged me or not, a narcissist does not give a shit.

I could not function inside my house, how would I survive the outside world.

My dad assumed part of my being, autonomy was too risky for him.

No way he would even let a thought of going against his will survive.

His hair-trigger volatility and penchant for violence against me were always loaded.

To this day I struggle to know who I am or repair my damaged ego.

Abused kids are rarely trusting or open to others, many warm feelings are unknown to us.

What a dilemma!

As an old retired guy, reaching out has become much harder, my trauma erupting has brought suffering and fear.

Writing a blog brings many emotions for me.

Reading some of my latest posts, I am embarrassed, shocked at how hopeless my words convey.


Deep depression does not look good in person or on paper.

Dealing with my childhood abuse, I have done a great job of calming my nervous system and integrating significant parts of my trauma.

I guess I handle anxiety, the firing of my fight or flight mechanism, the symptoms of hypervigilance, fear, and avoidance better than depression.

Ptsd brought desperation but it was for short periods, it was a battle with Ptsd.

My strength is handling the physical challenges, the pain, the injuries, my vulnerability is the emotional betrayals and losses.

In my 60’s, Guilian Beret left me paralyzed from the neck down, ICU for two months, followed by another two months in rehab.

Doctors, physical therapists, occupational therapists all said I would be in a wheelchair for a minimum of a year and possibly two.

Ten days later I got up from that wheelchair and took three very shaky steps.

The doctors and nurses were stunned, I was a devoted meditator and a former pro athlete, this was my element.

As accomplished at physical challenges as I am, it highlights my weakness with emotional betrayal and depression.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and then we have our blind spots.

Betrayal and depression are my vulnerabilities.


For abused kids: Why are we on this Planet?




I have questions that will never be answered, so many of us out there.

Why am I on this planet? Am I paying for a bad past life? Abused kids do not understand why we were born into violence and abuse?

Old age seems as unwelcoming as birth for this abused kid.

As my body deteriorates, my mind slows, becomes forgetful and weaker, my chronic pain increases.

My emotional and physical pain are out of control.

Childhood trauma has an encore for me, the most damaging experiences return with a vengeance.

I do not understand why I suffer, why my mind will not let go of its most painful event, why nothing helps.

Abuse has robbed my brain of wiring in a supportive and safe environment.

Life carries far less value for abused kids.

I do not feel good about life, what has happened to me, how I have been treated, how I have suffered because of others.

When we experience loss, our being is wounded, we sink, recoil, isolate and try to numb the pain.

We have difficulty enjoying life, trauma fills our being with danger and shame.

People have done things to me I will never forget, a mate shaming me publicly has left a permanent stain.

After a horrendous childhood, we are vulnerable to being used by people.

It happened to me in a way that brought suicidal thoughts, feelings of not wanting to be alive.

Who understands?

Why am I on this planet?

My hopelessness embarrasses me but I share anyway.



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