Posts Tagged ‘Abuse’

When do we decide to stay or quit?


In the online Kundalini group, we are working on the inner critic and the goal is to never take what others say personally.

I fail miserably, with my childhood abuse and betrayals, it seems impossible. While the group celebrates, depression takes hold, I can not behave like them, feel like them, or even fake it for a half hour.

Ten people in group celebrate the benefits of letting go criticism as if it were ordering a sandwich.

How can others do what has become next to impossible for us?

Maybe it is the smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala and compromised prefrontal cortex that makes us different, makes us incapable of being normal.

What others do seamlessly, my 🧠 brain can not accomplish.

My criticism is from a caregiver, a complete childhood and his criticism was constant and violent.

It changed my brain, I see it clearly when I join any group.

Joining a group reinforces how different my mind works, how different my thoughts and daily battles are.

I can not even fake joy for short periods.

Finally, at my age, I want the pain to just stop.

I am conflicted, do I stay in the Kundalini group?

Is it doing more good than damage?

How can we decide being inside our traumatized brains.

When we can not perform like all the others in a group, does that separate us more or what?

How do we navigate life, keep going no matter how much we suffer?

At the end of the day I have a decade of therapy, meditation and practice, it has helped tremendously but I still suffer.

I have always been an outcast soul, my father had more control in childhood with me isolated.

Can We change our basic nature?

I have changed some, the evil shit still lives on.




Looking back on the Week


Description of this week: There is an internal war going on, battles are intermittent but intense.

My moods can switch instantly, the morose part brings many emotions, seemingly before thought even starts. Remember the defense mechanism fires immediately, the cognitive side is 5 seconds delayed.

PTSD triggers fire our defense mechanism, called our fight or flight mechanism. This is part of the mechanical, physical side of trauma. Think of that, a trigger fires before directed thought even knows what the hell just happened.

I have eliminated this repressed trauma three times, gaining some freedom for a few days, then it appears again. With my childhood trauma, once a piece was integrated, my improvement lasted.

So part of my day is good, part horrible and then the rest spent distracting my mind.

I have to play solitaire while I watch 📺 tv, it takes two things like this to prevent my mind from ruminating. Having chronic pain and being 69, I do not have the energy to go back to my workaholic distraction.

Much of my adult life, I see now, was spent working or being busy, overloaded to outrun what was chasing me. Spending time alone with my mind was avoided at all costs. Sound familiar?

Fear is not a big part of my PTSD lately, humiliation and shame are far more dangerous and debilitating.

Humiliation and shame have a huge impact on unworthiness.

Childhood abuse brings anxiety, fear and unworthiness at its core. Unworthiness and abandonment were my big fears as a child.

I was going to get beat severely no matter what.

I feared, but never cried, giving that son of a bitch (dad) any satisfaction.

Even as a little kid, there was a apart of me that would not let him think he could hurt me.

That’s hilarious now as he has stolen most of my adult life. I was using my only strength against him, sadly it was not enough.

It was the emotional crap that carried on inside. We all have strengths and weaknesses.

I can endure pain, unworthiness and shame are my weaknesses. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

For me going after the physical part of PTSD first, was using my strengths. I needed to take as much power away from PTSD before I attacked my weaknesses.

Common sense for me, comes from pro ball, how to improve and fill in your weaknesses.

It’s called the off season.



My childhood Abuse haunts me, it was hard wired

I have been watching “Queens Gambit” on netflicks, so I find this pic funny. Yea nothing to do with the post but entertaining for me. That’s an active PTSD brain functioning, I think. The Jethro Tull t-shirt completes the picture.



My childhood Abuse haunts me, it was hard wired into my brain and nervous system before it developed.

It is like a bad dream when it is awakened, it is intertwined with our brains normal development. It existed before some parts of our brain matured.

It is highly irrational by definition and ever so confusing.

I never had a healthy ego, autonomy, or even safety in my entire childhood. There is no core, no resilient piece developed, I functioned in survival mode.

Many healthy circuits are ignored and thus damaging our chances of ever being normal. Survival mode, means high alert, spotting danger replaces any creative endeavors, building deep attachments etc.

If you follow this blog, you have seen me as a crusader of healing and then other times like now, you have also seen me in the abyss of active suffering from PTSD.

It is a battle, those who suffer from childhood abuse, physical, emotional or even rape know the nightmare they live.

Our trauma scares the shit out of us, commandeers our nervous system, then floods our minds with intrusive thoughts.

My healing was like a war zone. Violent exits of childhood trauma that I finally integrated were the best feelings.

Then in a few days more trauma arrived. After five years of daily, 8 plus hours of meditation, reading and applying every healing technique I could find, it was frustrating to have more abuse always surface.

It seemed it was limitless and finding peace impossible.

My optimum space for healing, found me totally focused on my effort.

If things got worse, I practiced more.

Another big advantage, I learned from being a pro athlete.

We worked out five months in the offseason without worrying about results until next season.

Childhood PTSD (C-PTSD) is not going to change much in a day, a week, or a month, so I placed all worry or concern into more practice, more effort.

Worrying is a nasty form of Dissociation, our biggest enemy stopping us from improving.

No great direction in this post. My posts are so different when my PTSD is active or dormant.

It feels a little vulnerable sharing when my ptsd is this active.




Impaired Self from Childhood Trauma

From Public domain pics


Impaired Sense of Self

Women who have experienced childhood abuse often have an impaired sense of self. You may use the reactions of others to gauge how you are feeling about a particular situation.

Because of this, you may be gullible and easily manipulated by others. You may be unable to establish appropriate boundaries, even with your children, and are often the caretaker of others within your network of friends and family.

An impaired sense of self can also increase the risk of revictimization including rape or domestic abuse.

Finally, you may have difficulty asking others for help, gathering a support network or taking advantage of support that is available. This can have direct implications for your emotional well-being and your ability to mother.


Avoidance is another long-term effect—one that is at the heart of many of the more serious symptoms. Avoidance symptoms can occur because they help you cope by temporarily reducing emotional pain.

The first type of avoidance is dissociation.

Dissociative symptoms often first appear during childhood, when they become a way to “escape” from abuse or pain.

Adult survivors often describe how they were able to numb body parts at will, or how they would “watch” the abuse from above their body.

Some mothers can still use dissociation to cope with uncomfortable feelings of intense contact with their babies or children.

Dissociation gets to be a problem, however, when they have no control over when this happens.

The Connection Between PTSD and Suicide By Matthew Tull, PhD Updated September 02, 2019

Artur Borzecki Photography/Getty Images



“In the United States, more than 40,000 people commit suicide each year. Although women attempt suicide more so than men, men are more likely to succeed in killing themselves during a suicide attempt. In addition, people who have experienced a traumatic event and/or have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may be more likely to attempt suicide.

Trauma, PTSD, and Suicide

In a survey of 5,877 people across the United States, it was found that people who had experienced physical or sexual assault in their life also had a high likelihood of attempting to take their own life at some point:

Nearly 22% of people who had been raped had also attempted suicide at some point in their life.

Approximately 23% of people who had experienced a physical assault had also attempted suicide at some point in their life.

These rates of suicide attempts increased considerably among people who had experienced multiple incidents of sexual (42.9%) or physical assault (73.5%). They also found that a history of sexual molestation, physical abuse as a child, and neglect as a child were associated with high rates of suicide attempts (17.4% to 23.9%)

People with a diagnosis of PTSD are also at greater risk to attempt suicide. Among people who have had a diagnosis of PTSD at some point in their lifetime, approximately 27% have also attempted suicide.

There Is Hope: Seeking Help

Experiencing a traumatic event and/or developing PTSD can have a tremendous impact on a person’s life. The symptoms of PTSD can make a person feel constantly afraid and isolated. In addition, depression is common following a traumatic event and among people with PTSD.

A person may feel as though there is no hope or escape from their symptoms, leading them to contemplate suicide.

It is important to realize that even though it may feel as though there is no hope, recovery and healing is possible. If you are having thoughts of ending your life or if you know someone who is having these thoughts, it is important to seek help as soon as possible.”

Risk feeling awkward, extend a little farther. Try a little harder, effort is our concern not results.

Risk more than others think is safe.
Care more than others think is wise.
Dream more than others think is practical.
Expect more than others think is possible.
-Claude Bissell

Politicians so far away from any “Mindful” thought or action..

top seven wasteful government projects.
Swedish massages for rabbits ($387,000): The National Institutes of Health paid for a two-year study that involved giving rabbits daily post-exercise rub downs from a “mechanical device that simulates the long, flowing strokes used in Swedish massages.” The goal was to measure the impact on recovery from workouts.
A stoner musical (part of $15,000): The Colorado Symphony Orchestra, which received $14,000 last year from the National Endowment for the Arts, hosted a marijuana-themed musical titled “Classically Cannabis: The High Note Series.” One advertisement encouraged potential patrons to “Smoke up and fill your belly with Manna’s spiced pork, Sesame Seed Teriyaki Chicken, & Filipino Empanadas.” Even though marijuana is legal in Colorado, pot dealers were not allowed to sell product inside the shows.
U.S. Coast Guard party patrols (at least $100,000): The Coast Guard provided free waterway security for private parties on some of the most exclusive real estate in the nation, “just as it does for public fireworks displays such as the Macy’s Fourth of July celebration in New York City,” according to an Associated Press report cited in the Wastbook. Some of the Coast Guard boats used for the events are worth $1,500 an hour, and taxpayers picked up the tab for their use.

A “Tower to Nowhere” forced upon NASA ($350 million to date): Republican lawmakers from Mississippi successfully pushed through an earmark requiring the National Aeronautic and Space Administration to complete work on a 300-foot tower that the agency has no use for. The structure, located at a space center in Mississippi, is designed to test rocket engines that were part of a George W. Bush-era space program that President Obama canceled in 2010. NASA doesn’t plan to develop any new rockets that could be tested in the “Tower of Pork” or “Tower to Nowhere,” as the structure is known.
A new bridge demolished for using Canadian steel ($45,000): The Federal Highway Administration helped fund a $144,000 bridge in Morrison, Colo., that had to be demolished because the American-cast steel in the structure was rolled into beams in Canada. U.S. “Buy American” provisions limit the amount of foreign steel that can be used in federally funded construction projects. Morrison Mayor Sean Forey said the value of the Canadian portion of the project exceeded a $2,500 minimum in the grant contract by $771.64.
Postal Service grocery shipments to remote Alaska ($77 million): The U.S. Postal Service has shipped consumer items to remote villages in Alaska since 1972 at a cost of $2.5 billion since 1972, including $77 million annually in recent years. The “Alaska Bypass” program, which was detailed in a Washington Post report this summer, amounts to a giant subsidy for retailers who receive the goods, as they pay the agency about half of what it would cost them to ship the products commercially.
Synchronized swimming for sea monkeys ($307,500): Three federal agencies supported a study measuring the swirl created by the collective movements of sea monkeys, a tiny variety of brine shrimp. The researchers found that the creatures, along with other swimming plankton, could “potentially influence the circulation of water in oceans.” The National Science Foundation, the Office of Naval Research and the U.S.-Israel Binational Science Foundation contributed $307,524 to the project, but sea-monkey kits can be purchased online for as little as $12.

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