Orphan Triplets: separated by class then studied




My rational mind has no understanding why a certain traumatic event carries such power and fear.

My rational mind has no control over when and how intense PTSD will erupt or last. All I know is my effort to heal this out of control demon.

The irrational, PTSD part of my mind, runs without input from my rational, cognitive side of my brain.

Cognitively, I know normal people are able to let past memories go and move on.

I understand trauma is stored as implicit memory in the right amygdala and also in the body.

The consequences of these mechanisms changes life forever.

The differences between self image, thought patterns, levels of cortisol, anxiety, fear of people, and trust is massive.

The difference between a severely abused child’s life and one who is supported is drastic.

They have taken orphaned triplets in England and placed them in different households to study the impact of childhood. Some were sent to different economic conditions , one poor, one average and one well to do.

They did not tell the kids or adoptive parents what they were doing. This was a study on the influence of class on kids.

The nurturing of the kids was more important than class. A poor foster dad who was devoted to his kid turned out fine.

These researchers were playing God. The kids met in there 40’s, not knowing they had two other twins.

One of the kids placed in a rich home committed suicide, so class is not the only factor.

It’s between biology and nurturing that decides what life will be.

In today’s environment I doubt if you could do such a study again, playing with life for science.

In real life, birth is the ultimate lottery ticket.



My moods shift, ptsd ignites again

Pixabay: pixel2013



This is my mood right now, by noon it will shift, by six another emotion will rule, life is a struggle, it is painful.

It took me 8 years of intense therapy and meditation to calm all my PTSD symptoms. I was not completely healed but life was good for two years.

I meditated five hours a day for five years, went to weekly therapy, read everything on therapy, trauma, meditation, mindfulness and many spiritual or holistic healers..

It was the only two year period of relief in my life.

Now an old trauma ignited my childhood abuse, my PTSD has fired up again.

I thought it was dead, thought I beat it.

Ten years of work, how can it regenerate like this?

I have not given up but I have lost hope of ever healing, now.

Many people have spoken to me, when they had no response for my old trauma, they said bad shit happens.

It’s like that makes it ok or something, many people suffer the rest of their life after bad shit happening.

Always those without childhood abuse say just move on, it is simple, easy for them.

People are clueless and do more harm, friendships end.

I search and find something new, pour my heart into it, get momentary relief, then trauma eats my ass up again.

No matter how much some of us work, healing will likely never happen.

Sometimes hiking I wish I could just keep going deep in the woods, hike right off this damn planet, be free of what people have done to me.

I wish the pain would stop.



PTSD: what havoc has a year of Quarantine produced?



Having a compromised immune system, contracting covid could of been fatal for me. I have already experienced two viral immune diseases, chronic fatigue and guillian beret, actually being paralyzed for three months.

With Covid, people presented a real danger to my health, combine that with my irrational childhood triggers, and you have a big mess.

In a way quarantine was the symptom of avoidance being enforced culturally. Since my PTSD erupted over a decade ago, some form of avoidance has always been present.

At my low points avoidance turned into agoraphobia. Now, I am close to agoraphobic again.

Five months into this quarantine an old trauma broke loose and entered my consciousness, my dormant childhood PTSD fired back up.

I enjoyed an almost symptom free period of two plus years. Yes I thought total healing was possible. Now I am at a low point again.

Childhood PTSD presents a calculation for every social situation, risk versus reward, suffering versus wellbeing.

There is no clear cut answer, no right thing to do. Therapy says we need community, attachment, I rarely have felt either.

Some risks turn into damage and suffering, some turn into a pleasant experience.

All risk contains anxiety and suffering for me. Many risks have turned out badly and made further risks unlikely.

My daughter is disappointed that her father, the type A driver, the highly motivated and active man has disappeared.

I am wondering how I kept pushing through my trauma, how I persevered in the midst of emotional turmoil.

It’s hard when we do not live up to expectations from those around us.

I feel shame for how compromised PTSD has made my life, my behavior.

Enjoying life is so far out of reach, I would plead just to be out of suffering.

In the midst of all this, I am venturing out today, going to the coast with a friend, to an aquarium.

Exposure therapy was over for me years ago, now life repeats itself.

Childhood trauma is the gift that keeps on giving, it never dies.



Childhood PTSD: Desire rarely outweighs risk



My childhood PTSD, the last decade plus of suffering, depression and agoraphobia has negatively impacted my life. My triggers exploding, the fear of those triggers firing doused any desire to be around strangers, crowds or people.

For a couple years, I could not handle leaving the house, childhood trauma had destroyed my life. My mind became my greatest enemy, I suffered, that’s when my therapist raised my antidepressant to five time the normal dose.

I was on 350 milligrams of Effexor, 75 was the normal dose. After moving to another state, every doctor I crossed thought my Effexor dosage was close to malpractice. A prescribing PhD. Psychologist wrote the script.

For me, I have never felt anything but side effects from antidepressants. I knew a pill would never heal childhood abuse.

Normal life was a thing of the past, all my effort was to stop the pain, anxiety and triggers from firing. Being around people became impossible to navigate, I was part vegetable with uncontrollable fear, my nervous system erupted when it wanted.

Desire receded, taking risks was inconceivable, each day felt like a week. It was easy to see why some committed suicide. For me, my father would win, so suicide would never happen.

Now, there is no geographical destination or event I have any interest in seeing. Desire changed for me, I found a way to exist needing very, very little.

Keeping my life calm is far more important than taking risks around people.

I am not lonely, not bored, and not a victim.

I am frustrated after a decade of intense therapy and practice.

Healing seems so far out of my reach, I will be long dead and buried.

I have overcome chronic pain, guillian beret and chronic fatigue, so my willpower and courage are proven.

Saying that, childhood PTSD resists all my concerted efforts.

What percentage heal from serious childhood abuse?

The ACE study says we suffer and die early not heal.



Childhood PTSD lasts a lifetime



My childhood PTSD has three heads, the first deals with the consequences, subconscious and overt over my lifetime, the second encompasses all the therapy and effort trying to heal and lastly the effort to function in this present moment.

The second phase of trying to heal from childhood abuse did not start until my mid 50’s. My father considered therapy a sign of weakness. The main reason: I had no idea something needed fixed, no clue PTSD was an issue.

When my PTSD exploded in my mid 50’s, trying to heal consumed all my energy and focus. My trauma was living under the radar, in my subconscious, until a family crisis set it loose.

On the healing path, the consequences of PTSD are numerous. I can give you examples where my life was devastated by traumas curse. Our memory, our past haunts us, it is cloudy and confusing and extremely scary.

It never totally disappears and has a habit of exploding when stress visits me.

Now my time is spent trying to function in this present moment. Life is a minefield, mood changes and triggers abound.

Life has never been free for me, always guarded, PTSD changed my personality and wellbeing.

There is no celebration over what I have overcome. Shame, humiliation, physical harm and unworthiness are the gifts childhood trauma gave to me.

If you are looking for a storybook ending, childhood trauma is the wrong place to search. From the Adverse Childhood Experiences, we have more cancer, addictions, suicides, chronic diseases, other mental disorders and early death.

We are not normal. I feel that to my very core.

Ask any abused kid if he would want to experience childhood again or the life after it.

I am not alone, life does not feel safe for some of us, we do not trust people.



I am an ACE kid: Adverse Childhood Experiences (https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/about.html)




I am in the midst of new understandings about my inner world.

Yesterday at the podiatrist my blood pressure was somewhat high.

My reaction brought a shift. I always thought any physical flaws or body disabilities were a weakness, my failure.

For the first time, I felt no guilt since childhood.

My father’s demand for perfection, subconsciously manifested in feeling guilt with any flaws.

So much of my angst and anxiety emanated from these subconscious judgments.

My mother was strict catholic, guilt was her weapon of choice, my atheist father wanted a superstar, he used criticism and violence to enforce his demands.

It sounds embarrassing for a grown man to say, for the first time I have no guilt for having high blood pressure.

Funny, I had some resistance writing that from inside, a queasiness of sorts.

Remember, let the narrative go, feel the body sensations, be present, let go.

What a journey lately a for this old man.

Any thoughts?

All of you out there have subconscious judgments that influence present behavior.

For me, I am an Ace kid, Adverse Childhood Experiences (https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/about.html).

Severely abused as a kid, my body has contracted chronic fatigue and guillian beret, two viral, immune deficient diseases.

So we get sick more, suffer more and die younger.

That’s what childhood abuse does to us.



PTSD is in Flux: Yeah?




A couple of things happened recently, an on-line session with my therapist and my kundalini teacher exposing me to ideas outside the my narrative.

I always thought my childhood was a curse, Jennifer offered the idea that having my father may of saved my life.

Now that concept was way out of the box. Never had I envisioned my childhood being a positive.

Then I saw my trauma, trying to heal trauma, clouded my whole existence.

Working on integrating my childhood, my triggers, my PTSD, neglected my inner child, my self worth and my functioning in the world right now.

Childhood PTSD is extremely complex, we get lost in that abuse forest at times.

PTSD is irrational, illogical, confusing and frightening.

We need to continually assess our path and focus.

My days are spent working on this moment, not past trauma anymore.

The change in itself feels like a breath of fresh air.

My intrusive thoughts have calmed.

I have always faced my challenges with resistance, force, not responding with strength would show weakness.

That’s my Unworthiness manifesting in blind action.

Finally I see a space, an opportunity to change.

Inner work is finally paying off.



Different times





Goodness this is so true, we are addicted to our phones, technology .






Funny concept these days.





Thoughts have been my downfall, judgments, comparisons, complaints, etc.



Zen Things also trauma healing things



Live simply, focus and make awareness a strong habit.




Both posters are about living in the moment, letting the past go and making the mundane important.




Nature knows the way.


I always thought my inner child was the weakest most damaged part of me




Childhood trauma has this extra dimension, an inner child who had to navigate abuse while the brain was not developed. We can integrate all the trauma we experienced and still our hardwiring is unchanged.

I saw my abused inner child, as vulnerable and weak, the origin of all the PTSD. My thought was it needed fixing, repaired, made over.

Shifting my focus away from trauma and triggers into functioning in this moment, has brought a massive change in how I see my inner child.

Without knowing it, in a response I wrote to the last post, my inner child became the strongest, bravest part of me.

My inner child had the fewest tools, was the most vulnerable part of my life but he survived the greatest abuse, childhood.

Instead of a meek coward, he navigated his way into adulthood with great strength. As an adult I see he survived where mature Marty would of failed.

Is this thinking outside the box or just Awareness being a reward for my inner exploration?

That inner child had strengths others did not have. He could endure intense pain and still take action.

My inner child developed incredible willpower and never gave up in the face of hardship.

What a paradigm shift from victim to my leading freedom fighter.

Now my challenge is to soothe that inner child in current situations, reparent in a way.

Again, this approach is trying to not handle my trauma, it is about functioning now, in this situation, this moment.

I have danced around the inner child numerous times and have written posts in the past, but something was different this time.

I never thought my inner child was the bravest part of my life.

My perceived weakness might be my biggest strength in reality.

How about you?

Your inner child helped you survive also.

He/She maybe your ultimate strength, not the damaged mess we perceive.



%d bloggers like this: