Archive for the ‘My Favorites’ Category

This is an Important post, my opinion

Our trauma can take an extremely violent and damaging situation, one event, one sensationalized shaming, and make it all-consuming, all-important.


All else fades into the shadows, invisible, our distortion grows.

All my good times, events and decades of moderate happiness disappear.

Ptsd create blinders, distorts reality, memory, kindles unworthiness, and irrational thought.

How does that happen so easily?

It seems to upset the balance of memory, gain power, discount the rest of my life, blindly.

It is so true for me, abuse haunts me.

It is an invisible prison, a cacophony of depression, a kaleidoscope of suffering, a plethora of worry.

Is there shaming, a betrayal that makes life unbelievable for you?

My PTSD thinks so, I veto that judgment.

I always presumed, rational thought guided me, I was mistaken, PTSD has made life and thought irrational at times.

It is a battle, triggered, I am irrational, calm I am rationale.

Where is sanity, where is healing and is happiness possible?

Please comment, this us not a monologue.

Desires wane as Ptsd matures




Desires wane as Ptsd matures.

Avoidance is a major symptom, we avoid at different levels.

My mental ability to navigate triggers successfully, determines life.

I have carved out a space where I can handle most of my triggers. The rest I avoid like the plague.

My mind brings enough intrusive thoughts at rest.

Certain places and people are dangerous for my emotional well-being.

My mind erupts, anticipation (worry, doubt, fear) of being in danger supercharges my PTSD.

Nothing is gained when our trauma explodes like this.

There is a heavy price to be paid if I trigger some of my scariest hidden compartments.

Desire to do some things will never be the same, other things we will never risk trying again.

After a decade of healing and suffering, this is what remains.

This is a map of my PTSD inside.

It is a balancing act and mine is way out of whack.

Trusting people or even wanting to be around them has waned.

How many things you once desired have you avoided with Ptsd?

Remember, desire and happiness are not companions.

More desire only brings more desire, not satisfaction, not happiness, nothing good.



I always thought my inner child was the weakest most damaged part of me



Childhood trauma has this extra dimension, an inner child who had to navigate abuse while the brain was not developed. We can integrate all the trauma we experienced and still our hardwiring is unchanged.

I saw my abused inner child, as vulnerable and weak, the origin of all the PTSD. My thought was it needed fixing, repaired, made over.

Shifting my focus away from trauma and triggers into functioning in this moment, has brought a massive change in how I see my inner child.

Without knowing it, in a response I wrote to the last post, my inner child became the strongest, bravest part of me.

My inner child had the fewest tools, was the most vulnerable part of my life but he survived the greatest abuse, childhood.

Instead of a meek coward, he navigated his way into adulthood with great strength. As an adult I see he survived where mature Marty would of failed.

Is this thinking outside the box or just Awareness being a reward for my inner exploration?

That inner child had strengths others did not have. He could endure intense pain and still take action.

My inner child developed incredible willpower and never gave up in the face of hardship.

What a paradigm shift from victim to my leading freedom fighter.

Now my challenge is to soothe that inner child in current situations, reparent in a way.

Again, this approach is trying to not handle my trauma, it is about functioning now, in this situation, this moment.

I have danced around the inner child numerous times and have written posts in the past, but something was different this time.

I never thought my inner child was the bravest part of my life.

My perceived weakness might be my biggest strength in reality.

How about you?

Your inner child helped you survive also.

He/She maybe your ultimate strength, not the damaged mess we perceive.



A Childs mind exposed to trauma never feels normal



My mind was hard wired in a different way due to childhood trauma.

Healing happens when I can integrate old trauma and habits to this present moment.

Underlying all of this, below consciousness, my mind automatically scours every situation for danger, then focuses on the danger intently, almost exclusively.

Regular feelings and concerns disappear when a threat enters my consciousness.

Redid96 asks, “Do people with C-PTSD ever become like ‘normal’ folk; social engagement is spontaneous, tools for self-regulation are held lightly, without the life or death grip.”

We never become like normal folk. We can be the best version of ourselves, that’s all!

I can discount the danger my mind always searches out but stopping it from searching not so much. My mind has searched before I can catch it most days.

It has taken a decade of peeling the onion to find this intense concern for future danger hiding deep below everything.

I was never aware this part of my mind even existed, from my earliest memories I always felt like this.

I had a period of a couple years where my mind felt safer, it took many years of therapy and daily meditation.

My successes have a time period to enjoy, then the next piece of trauma appears.

For me, this is the core, the foundation of my childhood trauma manifested around intense fear.

My mind thinks it’s still in an emotional war deep in its basement. Each day brings another battle it has identified.

My mind is not the eternal optimist, he feels wounded, vulnerable and unworthy at his core.

I can not disown his wayward ideas, trade this mind for a healthy one, the only escape is healing.

My goal is to unplug all this emotional fear.



Looking back on the Week


Description of this week: There is an internal war going on, battles are intermittent but intense.

My moods can switch instantly, the morose part brings many emotions, seemingly before thought even starts. Remember the defense mechanism fires immediately, the cognitive side is 5 seconds delayed.

PTSD triggers fire our defense mechanism, called our fight or flight mechanism. This is part of the mechanical, physical side of trauma. Think of that, a trigger fires before directed thought even knows what the hell just happened.

I have eliminated this repressed trauma three times, gaining some freedom for a few days, then it appears again. With my childhood trauma, once a piece was integrated, my improvement lasted.

So part of my day is good, part horrible and then the rest spent distracting my mind.

I have to play solitaire while I watch 📺 tv, it takes two things like this to prevent my mind from ruminating. Having chronic pain and being 69, I do not have the energy to go back to my workaholic distraction.

Much of my adult life, I see now, was spent working or being busy, overloaded to outrun what was chasing me. Spending time alone with my mind was avoided at all costs. Sound familiar?

Fear is not a big part of my PTSD lately, humiliation and shame are far more dangerous and debilitating.

Humiliation and shame have a huge impact on unworthiness.

Childhood abuse brings anxiety, fear and unworthiness at its core. Unworthiness and abandonment were my big fears as a child.

I was going to get beat severely no matter what.

I feared, but never cried, giving that son of a bitch (dad) any satisfaction.

Even as a little kid, there was a apart of me that would not let him think he could hurt me.

That’s hilarious now as he has stolen most of my adult life. I was using my only strength against him, sadly it was not enough.

It was the emotional crap that carried on inside. We all have strengths and weaknesses.

I can endure pain, unworthiness and shame are my weaknesses. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

For me going after the physical part of PTSD first, was using my strengths. I needed to take as much power away from PTSD before I attacked my weaknesses.

Common sense for me, comes from pro ball, how to improve and fill in your weaknesses.

It’s called the off season.



My breakthroughs have always been simple

Pixabay: Care2 is the world’s largest social network for good, a…



An exercise of visualizing me as near perfect in the future has opened a 🚪 door.

First I examined my nervous system. Marty, calm, confident, relaxed, enjoying people. Oh my, that feels warm, soothing.

Could I visualize an open heart, connecting to others without effort.

I saw myself as being whole, healed, without worry, doubt or any unworthiness for the first time ever.

This felt like an important change but it was all abstract.

Then a trauma thought of betrayal, an emotional nightmare for me, my worst trigger, played in my consciousness.

My mind would wrestle, resist, challenge and then just suffer for an hour or so.

Then I switched into that new perfect me.

I was in observer mode, feeling detached from the upsetting emotions.

This new me could let all this fade without effort. I froze for a second, is this real.

Can this work?

I was amazed. For six months this trigger had haunted me everyday without mercy.

All my other skills failed to integrate this piece of old trauma.

Breakthroughs are amazing moments for those of us who suffer from PTSD.

My mind did not bring that trigger up again the rest of the day.

It had lost a little power.

Healing has not come easy or without feeling helpless and hopeless at times.

A wise man would assume it is part of the healing path for PTSD suffers.

PTSD has always presented itself as extremely complex.

Healing skills have been extremely simple, focus on the breath and creating a future perfect me.

PTSD has weaknesses, we need to find the small cracks and exploit them.

Always keep searching, never give up, never give in.



Updated: PTSD: Can we ever be happy?



Being abused in childhood, impacted my mind permanently. I am not saying this abuse rules my mind but it will at least lay dormant until I die.


Happiness was impossible, imminent danger lived inside my home and I was his only target.


Survival and shame dominated my thoughts, helped formulate my unworthy self image and destroyed my nervous system.


I always knew something was wrong, like I was flawed, unworthy, not like other people.


Then one day in my 50’s a family crisis ignited my childhood trauma. It was alive, bringing that terrifying jolt to my solar plexus, cortisol and adrenaline, PTSD’s scare drugs.


Took me 6 years to heal or improve, for the suffering to curtail and life to have a little lightness, some contentment.


When I improved or healed, the suffering dissipated, the intrusive thoughts lost power without attention.


For 60 years I enjoyed momentary joy from accomplishments, however happiness was a stranger.


To heal or improve, I had dedicated five hours a day to meditating and healing.


On this journey, while entering into mundane tasks, (a mindful practice) I found happy moments.


Moments free of any deadline or time apparatus, where thought had curtailed, where things unfolded naturally.


These moments calmed my being beyond any prior feeling.


Looking at nature one day, I saw perfection, was it out of body or was I just one with it?


I believe if I can find some happiness, then you can also.


It is not easy, it takes courage and daily action.





Updated: My path was different, reading and following books replaced failed therapies!



My blog has always been very positive. Lately some have questioned how I have made this journey seem easy. This is a post to share the challenges I faced.



I was read poetry in therapy sessions when I was triggered and my nervous system extremely upset. I would sit shaking from trauma while my therapist read Louis Hayes.



This was not even a good distraction skill.   During my journey, one intuitive would ignite my trauma, having me visualize my little Marty’s, 5,7,9,12 year olds sitting around a big table with my father, my abuser.



I always departed far more terrified than when I arrived.    When we start our healing path we are naive,  clueless.   The time wasted searching for a way out,  cost me five years of my life.



This did damage because no integration was happening. I was paying for someone to supervise me dissociating into my trauma, triggering intense fear without the skill to integrate. Wish I had those wasted ducketts back.




My complex PTSD deepened, intensified as my daily suffering grew.   I was lost and being sabotaged by the  professionals.




This ended with a severe case of agoraphobia, locked in a dark garage, more terrified than any other time in my life.   My professional help took me to a place where my mind was frozen, my body would shake for hours as an unknown fear, worse than death haunted me.




Haunted me!!!!!




My reprieve was my abuser demanded perfection on a baseball field and that taught me skills of persistence, a never give up attitude, and courage.   I was isolated my whole childhood by a controlling narcissist.



Narcissist isolate you for total control.   Healing, going it alone with books did not feel strange for me.   My fathers abuse created the skills I needed to heal.   Ironic, no?



I believe my healing would have taken maybe six months not five years with what I know now.   The benefit was the experience I gained along the way.    This blog was created to fill in the voids I faced.



I turned to books, books on therapy, books on neuroscience, books on war-time PTSD, books on survivor personalities and books on meditation.



I read, practiced and applied with an aggressive type intensity.    This was not drastic for me.   I was a pro athlete, comfortable with all out effort in the off season, over six month periods.

This type of aggressive intensity meant accepting and surrendering, actually doing nothing to fight back. It was extremely scary and brought the most vulnerable feelings of my life.

Funny thing being vulnerable, humble in the face of this terror started to heal me.



I resorted back to my strengths and proceeded to attack PTSD like a competitive athlete would.   Somehow I knew intuitively healing was an internal battle.



Healing like this has given me a command, an insight into this process.


I dug out of a deep hole following my intuitive guide, a very organic journey.

The external world did not change a bit.

Life is much better, not easy or free from traumas eruptions from time to time.

Perfection does not exist in our lives, challenges will always greet us.


Updated: Permanent things: a personal example without thought!

Unbeknownst to me, a special bond, a permanent welding of spirits happened without any thought, knowledge or clue from me.

Having been released from rehab, still recovering from Guillian Beret’s paralysis and destruction of my peripheral nerves, my one month old grandson sat in my lap every morning.

It was all I could do physically for a while. It gave Brighton a secure, elevated place to get acquainted with his two loud siblings.

In the midst of this delicate dance, I became male caregiver.

Our communication can be expressed in a glance, a look, a feeling, a grin or joyous laughter.

It is called attachment in its purest form.

Buddhists describe a parents love for a child as close to real happiness as a lay person experiences.

This bond endures and dominates all other desires I covet.

He is special in a way I can not describe with words.

Thoughts or words had nothing to do with its inception or present existence.

I can feel his presence without visual input, sense his security and safety without thought, instantly.

In a crisis late one evening in the emergency room, Doctors lectured us how we misread him being in danger.

They informed us he was fine, maybe five per cent dehydrated.

We over reacted.

I voiced my concern that they were completely off, he was severely dehydrated and his life force was compromised.

They kind of laughed at this grandpa, till labs came back.

Within the hour, we were in ICU.

I can feel his life force.

Things to do while isolated: Updated: The Breathing Track: Secrets I think? –

This is one of the first videos from years ago.


Alex hogs the show.  We have both been working everyday, amazed at where this is taking us.  Alex, at 70 has changed drastically.  He was a perfectionist, rigid, clinging to thinking and fighting to be able to control life.


He used to worry, thinking about all the ways to please others, so many obligations, no time left for him.  Searching for the self-worth, that a child has hidden away from his constant search, he was lost.  Now, he has gained flexibility, a curiosity for the unknown and the focus to let go.




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