Archive for the ‘Assorted’ Category

PTSD and Suffering

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A friend asked me, what do you gain from your suffering?

I have a hard time applying that to PTSD suffering.

Whether we are a victim or actively trying to heal, suffering is part of our life.

In my opinion, childhood abuse was a sentence of future suffering.

No matter what I did, suffering and loss would be my companions.

My damage and weaknesses were glaring for me.

The best I can do is, try to heal in spite of my suffering.

Feeling I gain something from suffering, brings strong guilt feelings.

I must be doing something wrong to prolong PTSD and my suffering.

Seems to me, having courage and taking action to heal is trying to stop suffering.

An idea arrives. I can offer my suffering up to help Others heal.

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PTSD: what’s it feel like inside?

Pixabay: ninita_7
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I have learned to watch my mind and body. 

At times I can take a step back, be observer, kind of narrating what my being is doing.

It feels like a big fight has happened this week inside my head and heart.

Like always, the details are cloudy, confusing and abstract.

Exactly how our trauma was stored.

My read is accurate, childhood abuse haunts us like a ghost.

I have watched my mind try to convince me unworthiness lives at my core.

A humiliating event is the storyline trauma runs on the projector.

My complex PTSD thinks my soul is stained, damaged, faulty.

Being able to take a step back, gives me a chance to know it,then attack it in due time.

This is a battle people, PTSD wins at times.

That thought of feeling sorry for myself broke my consciousness.

I know life is not fair and others have it harder than me.

We regroup, retool and attack it.

If I have to suffer, I will suffer trying to heal.

It is not easy at times like this.
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Fear of Failing haunts me

Sahar Zulfiqar Ahmad|Personal Development|Mental Health

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My father was a narcissist that liked keeping his target in survival mode. He had much more control. He wanted me to fear him, obey him like a robot.

At 18 in the garage, he got pissed and started coming at me.

For the first time in my life, I clinched my first and took a step backward. He stopped immediately and said you do not kick your old mans ass.

He had beat me for 18 years. As an adult, I regretted not taking the opportunity. All his abuse was emotional from then on.

Fear of abandonment and failure were constant companions.

I would rather die that lose or be humiliated. What was important was dictated by my dads desires. He told me what to think, how to play, who to like and who to hate.

That was not a rational decision but a symptom of childhood trauma.

My dad was not capable of saying a kind word to me. I see that now.

At 69, underneath, deep inside, I always avoid criticism and ridicule.

I think about death and failing.

Yes even death holds a chance of ridicule for me.

My mind Searches every person and situation evaluating the chance of being ridiculed or humiliated. It does it on its own without thought from me.

I avoid places and people, groups to survive even now.

It feels intrinsic, before thought, who I am.

That can not be true, but how much fear and abuse does it take to imprint for life, like this.

What I see in the mirror does not resemble what my friends see in me.

Words do not reach my core.

What do you do when you have done the healing work for ten years and you are still suffering?

I healed once before this repressed trauma from college exploded.

All my tools and skills have not touched this new trauma.

At 69 to be suffering like this, pisses me off.

My PTSD does not scare me anymore, it pisses me off.

I wonder what happened to my father when he died.

Did he have to pay for abusing me?

How do you ruin a life your were supposed to love and protect?

I guess abusers have different thoughts than us.

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Childhood abuse: Formation of our Ego

Dr. Anne Brown

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Our Ego should be carefully created like a resume. A lively rejoice of our great qualities.

Wow, I wish with all my heart.

Resumes do not have any negative words, admission of loss or highlighted weaknesses.

Abused kids create an Ego that is flawed, it has elements of unworthiness, as it creates not only a damaged Ego but a dangerous world.

Our created Ego has never known a time without abuse, he/she never has experienced what normal people think or feel.

Attachments are dysfunctional and abusive in our childhoods.

My low was not thinking I had a right to be alive. True story.

It is insidious as a disease the way it impacts our mind and heart.

I have worked many hours recreating a normal Ego, but stress or crisis brings PTSD and the old Ego thrives.

Our self image was distorted by abuse and criticism, we never felt good enough, this feeling seems to be there from birth for us.

It is haunting not to have a memory where we felt ok, normal, deserving.

Creating a new Ego, working feverishly to heal, has only garnered short periods of freedom from my abused Ego.

He feels so hard wired, I have no remembrance of feeling ok, ever.

How are we supposed to feel? What do kids not abused feel like?

My abuse plays everyday, on its own, it brings not good enough trauma, it brings shame.

Every day I try to distract my mind, try to let the shame go, try to stay present.

I am exhausted and worn down from the constant onslaught of intrusive thoughts.

My mind is attacking my sanity.

It does not care that it harms the host.

That is childhood abuse matured into adult Complex PTSD.

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You, but better: Scientists designing method to remove fear, boost confidence via brain stimulation by John Anderer

Pinterest: Zachary Phillips

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Feb 24, 2021

SEIKA, Japan — If modern science conceived of a way to “pluck” unwanted fears, thoughts, and preferences from your mind, is that that something you would be interested in? It sounds impossible, but a new study on non-conscious brain stimulation may just make it a reality.

Via a combination of artificial intelligence and brain scanning technology, scientists in Japan say they’ve discovered avenues to remove specific fears, boost confidence, and even alter individual preferences.

They believe that in the future these techniques may lead to new treatments for patients dealing with issues like PTSD or generalized anxiety disorder.

All of this is incredibly promising, but researchers admit they haven’t perfected their approach just yet. While the treatment they developed has proven effective with many, some individuals haven’t seen the same benefits.

Crowdsourcing research on the brain?

Continue reading

PTSD uses thought and emotion to gain control

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PTSD uses certain emotions to gain control, yes it’s part of the Thinker, our Ego.

Our Ego wants total control, even in a person with no history of abuse. We are easy targets when the Ego has PTSD as a weapon or when PTSD has the Ego to dominate. Pick your poison.

PTSD brings guilt to our core. Why should we ever feel guilty for being abused, yes it’s all irrational.

PTSD distorts time, memory and our sanity.

Fear of the unknown, what’s going to happen, when is the next tragedy for us, reverberates within traumas thoughts. We are always on guard, danger is close, we sense.

Trauma, PTSD, has created an alternate world that has no safety or wellbeing for us. We live in a world influenced by things out of our consciousness, PTSD.

We can get trapped inside our thoughts and feelings without realizing it. No one is going to understand.

That’s the other sad part about childhood abuse, none of your friends or enemies will ever know the hell we endure. They will feel helpless not being able to stop our suffering.

Then, there is the fear, the doom, the knowing that things have never turned out ok for us.

Our memories are like Swiss cheese. A child without abuse has a vivid memory of childhood.

We have spotty, violent nightmares, emotionally devastating snippets of abuse called memory.

Good memories are not accessible for me, my memories are of abusé, loss and betrayal. If I have good memories, I am not aware of them.

That’s sad, as I read it.

So looking back has nothing but suffering for me and probably you.

We carry all the fear and ways to escape our abuser into adulthood subconsciously.

Anyone who slightly resembles my fathers behavior, jolts my nervous system.

What do you carry with you?

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PTSD is so Violent inside my head

https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

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For now, I am losing the battle with this old repressed trauma exploding.

My effort and skills are better than when I healed the first time.

Impossible to understand how extreme parts of the day become.

Real violent trauma becomes a demon inside us.

Part of my day yesterday, spent as prisoner of my old trauma, playing violently with real danger, a real life destroyed.

Hard to tell it’s not real, the emotions sure are and the storyline happened.

It haunts me, follows me where ever I go, there is no place you can escape your mind.

All my healing skills and effort give me only intermittent peace.

Life is very dark and hopeless in the middle of my trauma.

Hard to wake up and face another day of my mind torturing me.

From that space, I am resolved to endure whatever trauma has left for me.

It has to break sometime.

When it finally recognizes I am not giving up, no matter what it does to me, it will calm.

This is a war, we become helpless to heal it at times, it wins if we quit.

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PTSD: we have to take responsibility for our craziness

https://pixabay.com/users/congerdesign-509903/

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I have two close friends that I have shared my feelings, my day to day details with.

I have worn them out. No way a mind not damaged from severe childhood abuse, can undedertsnd how intense and non stop trauma thoughts can be for us.

I can be an asshole to others when I am wrestling my demon. No excuse a fact.

It is the same storyline for us, repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Each time we die inside, it feels real.

That makes no sense to anyone else, but I suffer reliving it.

Our trauma is stored in a certain way. That’s how we relive it.

How could anyone understand, who has not lived this nightmare.

Sharing what my mind does everyday to me, has driven them nuts.

Now, I am not sharing with anyone, this blog is it.

It hurts to know none of my friends have a clue, how I suffer.

In a way, I am glad, no way they need to suffer.

People can not fix us, that compassion turns to frustration.

Better to suffer in silence. My opinion.

Sharing my life, my trauma, is not safe with regular folk, now.

Life has quiet, silent moments now, part of me is not of this world.

I am attached to so few human beings, now.

The quiet brings solace to my damaged soul.

Happiness happens when I am alone, at least I can find it.

Being safe or trusting others will never be part of my life.

Being severely abused as a kid has life long consequences.

People will always be dangerous for me.

Navigate that childhood terror.

Why others read my blog is a mystery.

I hurt to my very core.

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When PTSD is percolating: What’s it like?

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What is a day like when PTSD is active, alive and percolating.

In as little as five seconds it has grasped our consciousness with an old, traumatic, intrusive thought.

My head drops, the strong emotions churn my stomach, somehow they are alive and intense.

Some days this happens multiple times each hour, others days it can run constantly without any input from me.

No way to unring that trauma 🛎 bell.

Best I can do is limit its duration.

When active these thoughts, fear and humiliation haunt my consciousness.

My damn mind, in an insidious way, is enthralled with my worst trauma.

I beat it back, let it go, focus and meditate but he is always right under the surface.

Maybe in due time, I will Succeed but for now life has suffering.

I have come to the point where I accept my suffering.

Running from it or denying it exists, brings more grief.

Accepting my suffering, let’s me not give up. I do not not have to run, get upset or react.

Or make it any bigger.

Each day I meditate with all my intensity, taking physical actions to heal.

That is the utmost of importance.

We do not control results.

We control effort and attitude. That’s it.

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Updated: Awareness: know your trauma Patterns

An example of what a functional MRI scan looks like. Brain activation is averaged across 20 PTSD patients compared to healthy controls in an emotion regulation task.

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Yes, I am drawing a pattern out of only two episodes of trauma in my life.

Here are a few patterns I notice.

The obvious, my trauma buries itself quite deeply for decades.

This pattern allows trauma to have subconscious impact without anytime spent trying to heal.

My childhood abuse did not erupt until I was in my fifties.

Secondly, the first couple of months are extremely intense.

My nervous system is agitated and intrusive thoughts seem to come at a rate of a Gatling gun firing.

I see that my whole personality changes.

One of my symptoms brings the feeling of imminent danger to my being.

It is irrational and very confusing.

Imminent danger for me is not physical, I fear the annihilating of my ego, emotional death in a sense.

I am intense, consumed and out of my gourd for a couple months.

You have witnessed this in my recent posts.

I sound and act like a victim, hopeless, helpless, it is embarrassing but sharing will help others push through their humiliating thoughts.

At my lowest, agoraphobic, hiding in my dark garage during the day, I thought something was going to come through the tile roof and do something worse than death.

Look how abstract that fear is. I have no idea what is coming through the roof, man, animal or alien.

My danger does not need a gender or even an origin but it is what I fear most, the unknown.

PTSD has that unknown quality about it.

The tragic memory is incomplete at the time trauma happens.

If it happened in childhood, the brain has not fully developed, storing an incomplete, distorted memory.

Somewhere in our background we need that skill that does not give up when all Common sense says it is the prudent choice.

At my lowest, Agoraphobic, contemplating suicide, a moment of clarity and strength surfaced for me.

From somewhere deep inside my head, the words, my abuser, my dad wins if I give up.

That may seem a feeble judgment by some, but every fiber in my body would not allow him to win.

In a crazy moment of crisis, I accepted my suffering, decided I would rather sit and suffer than let my dad win.

I did not realize this was a pivotal moment on my healing journey, inside my ego, that inner voice knew I would never give up.

Healing from PTSD is a war zone, expect the turmoil as part of the journey.

Ironically, surviving my fathers abuse developed the traits that helped me heal.

We have to fight for our wellbeing, fight the demons our childhoods created.

Thoughts?

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