Archive for the ‘Assorted’ Category

25 Nov

Traits of Narcissistic Parents:

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , .

Pixabay: Fanette

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From https://bandbacktogether.com/master-resource-links-2/mental-illness-resources/adult-children-of-narcissistic-parents/

Traits of Narcissistic Parents:

While these traits may not match all Narcissistic Parents, what follows are some common traits of Narcissistic Parents:

1) A Narcissistic Parent has difficulty understanding the emotions of empathy and how to create meaningful connections. As the personal needs of Narcissistic Parents dominate, these parents have little room for the needs of anyone else. It makes it almost impossible for these Narcissistic Parents to relate to the feelings and meet the physical and emotional needs of their children.

2) A Narcissistic Parent owns the successes of his or her children. In a Narcissistic Parents mind, he or she has been sacrificing everything for his or her child – the child must retaliate by performing at or above expectations. These childhood achievements are then owned by the Narcissistic Parent as their own, “he’s a great soccer player – it’s my genetics. I was always athletic, too.”

3) Narcissistic Parents must be in control. No matter what. A Narcissistic Parent controls his or her children by dictating how these children should feel, should act, and the decisions to be made. This can lead to adult children of Narcissistic Parents being unsure of what they, themselves, like and want out of life. These Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents never learn to be autonomous and make his or her own decisions.

4) Narcissistic Parents emotionally blackmail their children. A Narcissistic Parent often is indulgent, kind, and sweet if a child is behaving in the way their Narcissistic Parent wants. However, the moment a child is disobedient, a Narcissistic Parent becomes enraged and cruel. This show of “I love you, go away,” creates insecurity and dependency among children of Narcissistic Parents.

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My two cents: I can check everyone of those boxes as part of my childhood.

Funny, how books explain all my deficiencies, my lack of autonomy, the damaged self worth, inability to trust, and the need to avoid and isolate for protection.

Childhood suffering turns into adult vulnerability, we are always behind, chasing a way to be normal or at least out of the relentless pain that follows us.

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24 Nov

What abused children Become

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: Soledadsnp

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From Dr. Nicholas Jenner on his onlinetherapist.blog

“I am convinced that codependents come into adulthood seeking the basic connection with others that they failed to find with their parents.

In a process of compulsion repetition, they engage in relationships with people similar to their caregivers, trying to solve the original problem.

In the specific case of codependency, this means controlling the environment and the people in it to gain reassurance and emotional security, mirroring childhood.

As we know, this means sacrifice, martyrdom, victimhood and the main principles of the drama triangle, fixing, anger and self loathing.

Codependents feel they need to be in a relationship to feel secure and once they are, will do all they can to stay in it.

Our logical mind often tells us that we need to make changes in our lives.

This is often overwhelmed by the emotional part of our thinking that holds fear, shame and reminds us how difficult change might be.

This protective thinking is the main reason we become stuck when deciding what to do.

It protects us from our primary fears, not good enough, abandonment, fear of commitment, rejection.

The thinking we listen wants us to stay exactly where we are so we don’t face these fears.”

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My two cents: In early adulthood I was extremely vulnerable.

I stayed after a public betrayal by my first love, first girlfriend in college.

Staying was humiliating publicly and extremely damaging but I was paralyzed like this article says.

Sad, abused kids need to suffer more in adulthood without knowing why or how to fix it.

Oh yes. We have enormous rage and resentment for all abusers in our life.

We battle an invisible monster, a caregivers treachery, for life.

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23 Nov

Tips for navigating the mechanical side of PTSD

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.turningwithin.org/fight-or-flight

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Serious PTSD sufferers live with an elevated nervous system, some underlying agitation is always present.

For me, the fight or flight exploding was like getting shot in the solar plexus, intense, an electrifying jolt.

Those are the easy times to know the condition of our nervous system.

Bringing more awareness to my inner world, I have noticed a few things.

First, my baseline activation is higher, my nervous system has more agitation at rest than a normal person.

I have learned my nervous system, or anxiety level can be raised to an excited level without me recognizing it consciously.

When intrusive thoughts are active, then I notice my agitation consciously. I guess it needs to reach a certain intensity before I become aware of it.

Being sensitive to smaller levels of activation helps us navigate PTSD much better.

An elevated nervous system depletes our energy, wears on our emotional stability.

This is the mechanical, the physical part of PTSD that we can learn to calm.

They teach Navy Seals to handle fear (high anxiety), their fight or flight mechanism, using their breath, focusing on elongating the exhales.

Yes, slow focused breathing can dissipate adrenaline and cortisol while activating our parasympathetic nervous system, the breaks, bringing calm.

I have learned that fear, it’s physical embodiment, our adrenal stress response (fight or flight mechanism), contains no fear.

Fear is added by our thoughts. I choose to focus on the body sensations, taking my breath into the middle of the agitation or unrest.

While hiking with my chronic pain, I would summon my fight or flight mechanism to fire, then use the Adrenaline and Cortisol for my workout energy.

While handling my fight or flight mechanism everyday hiking, I became more familiar, more comfortable with that intense feeling.

The more we know about our nervous system the better.

Now I do not fear my chronic pain or my fight or flight mechanism firing.

If you weather the storm sitting quietly, motionless, focused on your breath, your confidence and power will grow.

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22 Nov

Childhood abuse, do we ever trust

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: Myriams-Fotos

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Awareness preempts any change in my humble opinion.

Many habits and patterns go unnoticed right below the surface of consciousness.

Recently, I realized how sensitive or paranoid my behavior has developed.

At all times, in any situation, I am aware of everything around me.

I have always been like this, always knowing where my father was, what mood, what danger existed.

It is second nature to me, my peripheral vision is excellent, I even know what is behind me.

Now I see this as a defense mechanism (PTSD symptoms), where real danger rarely exists.

My behavior has developed from a violent, abusive childhood.

My Survival mode is always activated in some form no matter where I am or what I am doing.

I am not physically afraid, in fact quite the opposite, however emotionally, imminent danger has always been close.

My complete childhood was spent more or less in survival mode.

Spotting imminent danger overwhelmed all other circuits.

Part of it is hereditary, I inherited my mothers nervous system, high strung and anxiety ridden.

When my fight or flight mechanism would fire, it was violent and intense, numbing, almost paralyzing.

Meditation has calmed my nervous system.

Unfortunately now I see my Nervous system does not fire violently, however he is on high alert constantly, spotting danger.

It has been mostly subconscious, nothing overt or any conscious effort.

All this happens automatically without thought or input.

Being able to trust is so important.

How do we trust with only betrayal in our past?

Trust is just something I know nothing about.

How do you start trusting at age 69?

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21 Nov

Childhood abuse destroys a kids ability to trust others or himself/herself

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: GregMontani

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How do you trust when one parent is your violent abuser and the other is his enabler?

Conditioned love from your caregivers, places all self-worth and value as a person, on performance (approval) for the dominant abuser. 

I was conditioned to have no intrinsic value except for the achievements my narcissistic parent picked out as valuable.

My narcissistic father demanded I would be twice as good (at baseball) as any other kid in my hometown.

At five I was informed I would be a great professional baseball player or else.

How does a little boy handle such as outrageous demand. Oh yea, I played six years for the Baltimore Orioles.

Now, is my self worth dependent on being twice as Good? 

You better damn well believe it did in that household.

Sad as a little boy, that’s exactly how my father valued me or I was beat violently and portrayed verbally as worthless.

He did not care about anything else, cold, calculated and extremely violent was his demeanor.

Now, at 69, weakened by chronic pain, spinal fusions, and complex PTSD, my abuse overwhelms me.

Once a strong advocate for fighting for every breath, now my spirit is tired of the humiliation I have endured.

My strength is gone, endurance crippled by a serious car wreck, and my chronic pain grows as I age.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I have read enough, meditated enough and healed enough to understand the mountain I faced from birth.

With ten years of intensive healing under my belt, the mountain of trauma inside my brain keeps pouring out.

My expectations: I thought all my effort would heal me.

I did not expect trauma would never stop haunting me, or would be endless until I die.

For me, life has been filled with abuse, betrayal and suffering.

I think I have fought the good fight, my reward is always more trauma to endure.

I am lost in the middle of this recent eruption of old trauma.

It feels like trauma has consumed my existence, stole my life.

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20 Nov

Navigating a traumatized existence

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/aitoff-388338/

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Stating the obvious, we were innocent, helpless kids without the mental or physical abilities to escape or protect ourselves.

For me, healing looks totally different than a normal person.

Everyone talks about how connecting and trusting, having healthy social relationships are part of healing and wellbeing.

I did the opposite. Socially, trusting people was never going to happen except for an inner circle of a few.

For me, isolating from most people, stabilized my nervous system, so I could heal.

I never trusted people, never.

People betraying me, did so much damage after my childhood, I became a loner.

Finding a way to be happy without many attachments was difficult, but the alternative of a loved one betraying me was never an option after college.

I stayed alive, did not commit suicide, got up and created a private world for myself.

I am alive, I survived extreme abuse as a confused, little boy.

Terror followed me, nightmares, sweats, stomach aches, vomiting, anxiety and fear ensued.

Now, when all this explodes life goes back to feeling imminent danger is near, it exists deep inside my memories.

I can not make sense of my life and all the suffering.

Was I born to be a sufferer?

How should I endure a life filled with suffering.

Where is the worth in my life, keeps nagging me for answers

Abused kids can not escape the damage.

Any insight?

Note: I am not advocating isolating, except from your abusers, even if it is a parent until after you improve.

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20 Nov

My childhood Abuse haunts me, it was hard wired

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/tabor-1546010/

I have been watching “Queens Gambit” on netflicks, so I find this pic funny. Yea nothing to do with the post but entertaining for me. That’s an active PTSD brain functioning, I think. The Jethro Tull t-shirt completes the picture.

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My childhood Abuse haunts me, it was hard wired into my brain and nervous system before it developed.

It is like a bad dream when it is awakened, it is intertwined with our brains normal development. It existed before some parts of our brain matured.

It is highly irrational by definition and ever so confusing.

I never had a healthy ego, autonomy, or even safety in my entire childhood. There is no core, no resilient piece developed, I functioned in survival mode.

Many healthy circuits are ignored and thus damaging our chances of ever being normal. Survival mode, means high alert, spotting danger replaces any creative endeavors, building deep attachments etc.

If you follow this blog, you have seen me as a crusader of healing and then other times like now, you have also seen me in the abyss of active suffering from PTSD.

It is a battle, those who suffer from childhood abuse, physical, emotional or even rape know the nightmare they live.

Our trauma scares the shit out of us, commandeers our nervous system, then floods our minds with intrusive thoughts.

My healing was like a war zone. Violent exits of childhood trauma that I finally integrated were the best feelings.

Then in a few days more trauma arrived. After five years of daily, 8 plus hours of meditation, reading and applying every healing technique I could find, it was frustrating to have more abuse always surface.

It seemed it was limitless and finding peace impossible.

My optimum space for healing, found me totally focused on my effort.

If things got worse, I practiced more.

Another big advantage, I learned from being a pro athlete.

We worked out five months in the offseason without worrying about results until next season.

Childhood PTSD (C-PTSD) is not going to change much in a day, a week, or a month, so I placed all worry or concern into more practice, more effort.

Worrying is a nasty form of Dissociation, our biggest enemy stopping us from improving.

No great direction in this post. My posts are so different when my PTSD is active or dormant.

It feels a little vulnerable sharing when my ptsd is this active.

Thoughts?

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19 Nov

The Mayo Clinic shares this:

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/couleur-1195798/

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“Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you’re not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.”

Recent studies have shown that 6% of the population have experienced clinical NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) at some point in their lives. But many more experience non-clinical symptoms.

From my work, I believe that narcissism is far more prevalent than this, and adult children of narcissists are all around us, yet they don’t know it or recognize it because they aren’t taught about this disorder or hear about it in the normal course of their lives.

There’s much to say about the damaging effects of narcissism, but I’d like to focus today on how it effects us in our careers.

Below are the hallmarks and signs that you might have been raised by a narcissist and learned some damaging lessons from it. But I need to share that it’s critical for your well-being that you don’t turn around and begin blaming (and hating) your parents if indeed they are/were narcissists. Everyone is doing the best they can in life, and their disorder most likely stems from their own damaging childhood and upbringing that was in need of healing, which they never received.

So we’re not blaming here, but shedding light on this critical problem so that if you’ve suffered from being raised by a narcissist, you can recognize the problem immediately, get some help, and navigate through the challenges successfully.

Below are the nine traits of narcissism outlined in the powerful book Will I Ever Be Good Enough, by Dr. Karyl McBride (which I’m finding extremely helpful). A true narcissist will have some of these traits, not all, and these traits are on a spectrum with varying degrees to which these will be demonstrated:

The narcissist personality:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance, e.g. exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.

3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high status people (or institutions).

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.

6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.

7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of her.

9. Shows arrogance, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

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18 Nov

My Blog: Is it worth the aggravation

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/

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Yesterday, I kind of lost it over an encounter that was similar to being on the PTSD discussion board.

Someone who does not have PTSD or know anything about the subject, needed to spread their bullshit in a response to yesterday’s post.

Having a recent betrayal trauma explode, I am extremely sensitive to anyone messing with me right now.

I have witnessed people trying to harm others and get them to have a breakdown or worse as a prank on the PTSD discussion board (Dailly Strength).

My in person mindfulness group was blown up by a manipulating alcoholic right before Covid.

I was shocked someone could violate a meditation group for selfish reasons without remorse.

Yes, I have meditated a lot, have PTSD, however behavior that resembles my father’s abuse gets a big reaction.

I was pissed and verbally confronted him in not so kind words.

People do not realize how deeply we take others trying to manipulate or dominate our space, like our abuser did.

Volunteering for free, I thought extending myself to help others would not have assholes taking advantage.

Boy was I wrong. There is no sacred space.

Today I am evaluating the aggravation running this blog brings to my doorstep.

Is it worth it to expose myself like this?

Why do some have to try to damage and destroy things like a PTSD blog?

Would they go on a rape victims blog and act the same way?

I welcome comments, hope to get them, encourage honest difference of opinion and a sharing of ideas.

My posts are part of me, real, lived and heartfelt offerings to hopefully help others.

Sad grown adults behave this childish.

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14 Nov

Mothers – Daughters

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/milucernochova-1555503/

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“Self-trust,

self-love, and

self-knowledge

can be taught

to a daughter

only by a mother

who possesses

those qualities herself.”

Dr. Karyl McBride, from Will I Ever Be Good Enough

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