Fear of PTSD regaining power

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In my mid 50’s PTSD ignited my fight or flight mechanism 15 times a day.

Those years were horrible, avoidance turned into agoraphobia, and I did not leave the house.

Normal life stopped completely, I became a recluse.

Intense therapy and meditation calmed my nervous system and gave me some relief for a couple of years.

Then three things happened, covid quarantine, a prescribed medicine launched my nervous system and an old hidden trauma erupted into my consciousness.

I do not fear my anxiety, but I do avoid triggers, people and situations.

Fear of PTSD regaining power haunts me and scares me.

I handled and calmed my fight or flight mechanism, but it is the symptoms and triggers that do the damage.

PTSD is like living in the middle of a crisis.

Trusting the world or people has never been easy.

Any thoughts?
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9 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on October 5, 2022 at 3:57 pm

    As I read your words, there’s more than one piece. The theme of PTSD eruption is a constant.
    1. In childhood, you experienced significant, ongoing abuse.
    This left you with untreated PTSD and later C-PTSD.
    2. During your adulthood, the untreated C-PTSD left you vulnerable.
    Though your adult self behaved in a relatively functioning manner, in truth, you were completely underdeveloped in handling adult relational issues. This left you vulnerable and raw, and the psychological and emotional fallout was devastating when betrayed. This pattern continued into a martial connection.
    3. Saving yourself entailed shutting down and shutting out the world.
    4. On some level, connections are desired. You battled your symptoms with limited success
    5. Present – the past and present are an endless loop in which you’re trapped.
    You say, “Fear of PTSD regaining power haunts me and scares me.”
    I say – you’re living in the past

    You say “I handled and calmed my fight or flight mechanism, but it is the symptoms and triggers that do the damage.”
    I say turning your focus to not only meditation but strengthening other parts of your life can create momentum if you want that.

    You say, “Trusting the world has never been easy.”
    I say this is a different issue. Lots of people don’t trust. We can live a life on a ‘trust-lite’ diet. This may be an offshoot of the abuse but building more trust, is a different issue.

  2. Very detailed and thoughtful

    I agree wholeheartedly with the description of childhood and adulthood

    I say turning your focus to not only meditation but strengthening other parts of your life can create momentum if you want that.

    This is the difficult part. I have always avoided, as a kid, as a teen, and as an adult

    Avoiding and worrying were always there

    With my dad I was always hypervigilant

    I have done the work with the therapies and supposedly strengthened parts

    How do I not avoid

    How do I ignore the fear, ignore the sometimes constant intrusive thoughts

    I am open to any solution

  3. Posted by Anonymous on October 5, 2022 at 10:11 pm

    With all due respect, your father is gone. It’s time to stop rereading the same chapter and proclaiming this is my book. Whatever your father did or didn’t do, whatever you did or didn’t do is over and done. You can no more reclaim it than you can reach back and will yourself to be 20 years younger.
    “How do I not avoid?
    STOP READING THOSE CHAPTERS
    You make a conscious anti-avoiding plan.
    You decide how much & what kind of connection works.
    You plan how, where, and what will meet those needs.
    Then, DO IT.
    I created a graph for myself. Much like those diet plans that visually display the amount of food groups that people should consume.
    I’m never going to be the social center. When I was, that was trauma speaking. My authentic self is far more comfortable with limited people and not daily. My graph needs a lot more space for recharging & contemplation. My activities are heavier on parallel play.
    AND, the body symptoms a part of me. I’ll always need to use the somatic tools; sometimes more, and sometimes less but that’s part of my story.
    I’m sure you know all this already. The real challenge here is, be honest. What do you really want?
    If you’re content rereading the same chapters, fine. But don’t call it book. It wasn’t, it isn’t, and it will never be anything more than chapters in a life story.

  4. My father is long dead so his death ends the impact of child abuse

    Have you read the ACE study on the lifelong impact on both mental and physical health throughout life

    A young girl sexually molested by her father is cured when he dies? Where did you come up with these theories?

    Where did you get these ideas

    I am not reading anything about my father

    Our issues are the results of child abuse not whether the parent is alive of dead

    Now this.

    How do I not avoid?
    STOP READING THOSE CHAPTERS
    You make a conscious anti-avoiding plan.
    You decide how much & what kind of connection works.
    You plan how, where, and what will meet those needs.
    Then, DO IT.

    Anti avoiding plan

    So all PTSD sufferers can just make this little plan and avoidance is over

    You seem to have special gifts to overcome childhood abuse

    Do you know our conscious words can not reach the right amygdala where our trauma is stored

    The regular laws of trauma must not apply to you

  5. Posted by rudid96 on October 6, 2022 at 1:31 pm

    No, I do not suggest that “all PTSD sufferers” can do any specific action. C-PTSD is as unique as people, and from my own experience, the tools for learning to cope with the past and present are an amalgamation of work that works best for the individual.

    Yes, I have closely read the ACE study. You’re not singular in accessing that material. I acknowledge that my childhood abuse left permanent markers, including but not limited to lifelong hypervigilance and body memories.
    My abusers are alive, and there’s nothing I can do about that. Instead of allowing my reactivity and isolation proclivities to dictate my days, I’ve created a framework. “This little plan,” as you referred, helps me structure my day and notice when I’m slipping into trauma patterns. One survivor attempts to set a better course.

    Connecting with others that understand C-PTSD, exchanging healing information, and learning how to apply the tools for a better living is helpful. I spent my energy responding to your post because you asked a question. I find it interesting that it elicited negative energy from you.

  6. I need to step away from my blog.

    This has become detrimental to me personally

  7. Posted by Anonymous on October 13, 2022 at 2:20 pm

    I am concerned about you Marty, not seeing you posting. You have helped me sooooo much. I respectfully do not believe that you are failing. With your help I have been able to accept that I am wired different. How could I not be? With that acceptance, has come some freedom, and one of those freedoms is to allow myself to avoid toxic people. My social contact may be shorter, but the people I do not avoid are supportive and kind.
    I am thinking of you. I am having trouble with the words to express my sending you good. You can do this, and have helped so many.

  8. Thank you for your gratitude

  9. Posted by Anonymous on October 21, 2022 at 2:08 am

    Thank you Marty for posting. Part of my neural wiring is to immediately go to the worst possible outcome-which is death. I am aware when my stomach falls to the ground, and then…I breathe. Thank you for letting me know you are still there.

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