Achievement equaled my self worth

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My healing journey uncovered many of the reasons that make me who I am.

In my father’s eyes, I needed to outperform others to have value.

I had no intrinsic value besides my ability to achieve for him.

The constant criticism and violence lay waste to my ego and self-worth.

Now, I realize this has always been with me.

My life is filled with achievements.

I learned to persevere, focus and exert all-out effort over long periods.

Piece of mind, self-worth, or happiness was never connected to any of these achievements.

Achievement brought distraction and momentary joy, then the next test was upon me.

Achievement does not last long, my trophies collect dust.

The fear of loss always came back after any achievement.

I have always searched for self-worth, a calm peace of mind.

Do we ever get there?
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3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on September 16, 2022 at 3:52 pm

    Maybe we “get there” when we refine and redefine our definition of achievement. No matter where I worked or the successes, I always felt ashamed, less than, and eventually, dissatisfied. Someone once pointed out this constant tendency for malcontentedness.

    My journey has felt forever, but in reality, it’s not. As of late, I’m spending time working towards connecting to my body and, in turn, connecting that to thoughts and feelings. Perhaps you think,” been there, done that.” But, I’m painstakingly slow; I’m stumbling into other possibilities of safety, contentment, and life.

    I stand alongside your struggles with my own. Some days, weeks, months, etc., are better than others. We keep trying. That’s the golden star.

  2. Posted by krissyc2014 on September 16, 2022 at 9:03 pm

    I believe we get there. It’s all about working through the painful chapters that exist in your life and often, making sense of them. Sure, some painful chapters will never truly make sense but then you can close that chapter and move forward, knowing that it’s not you.
    A lot of my chapters, I needed to understand.. why did you target me? Why this, why that? Some of them I never got answers for nor do I expect answers at this point. I think having the skills in my toolbox to work through them with my therapist also helped me to discover my self-worth.
    At the end of the day, we are the only ones responsible for our self-worth and that is something that should never be based on what other people think of us..

  3. It’s good to hear success stories

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